tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
down multiple jobs, including secretary of homeland security, secretary of veterans affairs, and ambassador to italy. true. i have to say i love the idea that trump offered him an ambassadorship to the country that has the best food. [ laughter ] i know you're disappointed we didn't pick you for vice president or attorney general, but how would you like to go to the country that invented pizza? [ laughter ] trump this morning met with carly fiorina, who was a bitter rival during the campaign. trump is supposedly considering her to be director of national intelligence. here's what carly had to say on her way out of trump tower. >> it was such an honor to meet with the president-elect. first i have to say he has really cool stuff in his office. all these athletes have given him this incredible memorabilia. i was particularly taken
o'neil's shoe. >> jimmy: shock o'neil, the guy from the movie "kazam." president-elect trump was in grand rapids over the weekend as part of his thank you tour where we slowed him down to half speed for this meandering and merry edition of "drunk donald trump." [ tape playing slowly ] >> you spoke very well. i was very impressed with you. she didn't sleep for about six months. i will tell you that. but what a -- and merry christmas, everybody, merry christmas! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's almost christmas. christmas is less than two weeks away. i was talking to my daughter jane about santa claus, she's almost 2 1/2. we've been holding the present thing over her head to get her to stop saying no to everything. her answer to every question is no. you wa
she repeats. do you want to go to gymnastics class? no, i do not want to go to gymnastics class. very charming. anyway, she was being bad. so i asked, are you gog to be naughty or nice? she thought about it for a second, she said, yes. [ laughter ] at least i got one yes. santa is a great way to keep your children in line. he's an enforcer, really. so it's no wonder some kids are scared of him. with that said it's time for what has become one of my favorite holiday traditions, a game we're going to play together, it's very simple, i will show you a photograph of a child, you have to guess if the child is on santa's lap or getting a flu shot. [ laughter ] let's play "santa's lap or flu shot?" [ cheers and applause ] let's look at our first screamer. all right, so santa's lap or flu shot? all right, everybody says santa's lap. maybe one or two dissent. and it is? flu shot.
that's right. next up -- you see how it works. santa's lap or flu shot? santa's lap. no, that is a flu shot. all right, next up we have -- all right. all right, let's see. it is -- santa's lap. santa in pajamas. is this santa or the doctor? >> santa. >> jimmy: i love the passion in these guesses because they're based on absolutely nothing at all. this one is -- santa, yes. two kids crying now. keep them coming. santa's lap? or flu shot? or maybe that ponytail is too tight. let's find out. it is santa's lap. santa looks like he's about to cry too. all right. santa's lap or?
santa might be pinching this kid. let's see. it is -- flu shot. and one more. grief-stricken child, santa's lap? or flu shot? and it is -- yeah, that's right. santa claus. thank you for playing and a happy flu season to all. this is fun and festive too. this is home video of a parade, north carolina, a christmas parade. normally i don't like parades at all. i find them to be interminally boring. but the woman who shot this video, if she was hired as the announcer, i would watch every parade i could get my eyes on. >> oh my goodness! >> all right! all right, y'all! ha ha ha! all right, y'all! oh, all right, now. okay, okay, okay! okay! oh, oh, look at that!
oh, look it -- go minnie, you go girl, you get it, man! oh, look at this, oh, you better go ahead now, what? oh! hey! all right, y'all! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nothing against matt lauer. the holiday shopping season is in -- this is that magical time of the year when we buy stuff nobody needs for people we don't like with money we don't have. americans are expected to spend an average of $936 on gifts this year. which is interesting because jesus preached against the accumulation of material possessions. but he also said, blessed is the new gears of war 4 for x-box 1, for it shall add a variety of awesome new characters and special effects. it's a nuanced message. i still
list. it's hard because you want to give people something they like, you also might not want to spend a lot of money. that is where television comes in. every year thousands of great low-priced products are advertised on tv. to help you with your shopping we whittled them down to the best of the best. with that said it's time for our fifth annual "as seen on tv" gift guide, enjoy. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> your hands are so tied up you can't even shake. go have fun with the go plate. the go plate is perfect for barbecues, tailgating, or even perfect for a corporate event or elegant party. >> are you tired of putting holes in your wall from opening doors too quickly? can you not fit furniture into your room because your door doesn't give you enough room? introducing the knob gobbler, the revolutionary new product designed to solve pesky door problems. >> introducing
that fits on your toilet. >> i'm a big guy and i have hemorrhoids. my secret bidet is perfect. >> tired of your bunching blouse, tucking in that tail, stretching your shirt to make layers lie flat, only to end up looking frumpy and bumpy? now there's peek a blouse. check this out. it gives you the look of a real blouse without extra fabric in the front or back. >> bring the living word of god into your home with a divine time clock. >> i can do everything through him. >> each hour you will hear a different inspirational verse from the bible reminding you to keep the love of god in your heart and mind. >> do you love cats? then you'll color colorama cats and kittens. enjoy hours of stress-free fun while you color playful kittens. perfect for personalizing home decor or giving as a handmade gift they're guaranteed to treasure. >> i love coming home from work, have a nice glass of wine, and my husband and i like to color together. >> are you embarrassed about your broken, crooked, and missing teeth? introducing million-dollar smile by perfect smile.
the amazing removable, reusable veneer that instantly gives you the look of perfect teeth you'll be proud to smile about. snap them on in the morning and be proud to smile all day long. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're welcome. we have to take a break. when we come back my cousin sal spreads holiday mischief as the worst gift wrapper in the world. stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ come on! why doesn't verizon offer unlimited data like t-mobile? is it because their lte network was built six years ago? six years ago? that's like a hundred... in phone years. their lte network is older, slower, and they limit you. switch to t-mobile. the newer, faster, and unlimited network. we cover 99% of the americans verizon covers. get 4 lines, just $40 a month.
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according to aaa, about 86 million americans will drive to their holiday destination. almost 3 million americans are expected to fly. which is already kind of terrible. and might be about to get worse. the department of transportation is considering a proposal that would allow passengers to make phone calls on the flight. because the person sitting next to you wasn't annoying enough. honestly i'd rather there be snakes on the plane than people talking on the phone. when this happens i will be making prank calls. [ laughter ] i'll be calling other passengers, i'll be calling other planes. i'll pretend to be in the cockpit messing around with the controls. no one will rest. speaking of pranks, from time to time we send cousin sal out in the world with hidden cameras to stir things up, to wake people up. since it is the holiday season i sent sal to the grove, the mall not far from our studio. you know gift wrapping stations they set up? we set o
sal to work. >> live from the grove in hollywood, it's cousin sal's christmas wrapping spectacular starring cousin sal, his helper pat, and our very special holiday victims. >> you want me to wrap this empty box? >> yes, please, i'd like you to wrap it as well as the lid. >> are you kidding me? >> no. is that okay? >> what do you have? you have nothing in it? >> i'm going to put something in it, i just don't have it with me. >> oh, we can't do -- we have to see what goes in there before we wrap it. >> are you serious? >> yeah. i just need something in there, maybe your belt? yeah, give me your belt. just in case there's a question. hold on. let me take your tie too. >> where is your manager? >> he passed away. [ laughter ] >> do you want me to wrap this? >> yes. >> okay.
gel crayons, nice. okay. could you hold this? thank you. just pull it back towards you. all right, almost done. i'd be very careful with crayons. all right. all right, i think you're all set. there you go. do you have it? there you go. happy holidays. >> really? >> really, yeah, yeah. maybe she could push the stroller, i don't know. you should have maybe thought this through better. >> oh, wow. >> push, use your core. hope she likes the crayons. >> is this like being donated anywhere?
>> are the services being donated anywhere? >> i don't think so. >> no, no, i'm okay, i'm okay, really. how about this. i'll take my boxes, you can keep that there, okay? >> no, no, here. i'm really close. here. >> just keep the socks. why? >> because you're getting -- wing sauce all over the socks i'm going to give to somebody -- >> i don't think i am. let me put it in your bag. here. >> you can put it in the box. >> okay. >> that's better. >> okay. >> put it in the box. >> excuse me! is there a security guard here? >> oh, my god! >> excuse me? >> excuse her! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, thank you cousin sal. tonight on the show music from phantogram. be right back with jennifer lawren
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i almost h >> i got an x-ray. my breasts are uneven. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did the doctor tell you that? or did you figure that out for yourself? >> yeah, the doctors knocked on my door, jennifer, we have something really serious to tell you. no, i figured it out. >> jimmy: you figured it out. it took a trip to the doctor's office to figure that out? >> yeah, which i think is kind of flattering. >> do you go to the doctor a lot, are you a hypochondriac? >> oh, yes, huge. i love medicine, i love googling, i love being an alarmist. >> jimmy: me too, yeah. >> i love panicking people. >> jimmy: i'm not a hypochondriac in that i feel i accurately diagnose myself. that's not a hypochondriac, if you're right. >> if you're right, i think you're correct.
that were real. it was really painful. everyone's like, nothing's wrong with your stomach. what had happened was i stressed myself out so much that my intestines started bleeding. but it was -- i know, i can do that with my mind. >> jimmy: isn't it amazing what you can do? >> i'm super, super blessed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i had appendicitis once. >> that's my dream. [ laughter ] you lucky bastard! >> jimmy: give it time. and i looked it up, i was feeling a pain, i think, on my right side. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it was very specific. and i went in -- i called my doctor, and i said, i pping i have to have my appendix removed. he laughed. i went in and he checked me out and he goes, well, i have to tell you, congratulations, you're the first patient i've ever had that's correctly diagnosed himself. >> yeah, i feel like me and my doctor are more like colleagues. [ laughter ] but good for you. >> jimmy: i was happy about it. >> i have an unrealistic fear. i have to go to china and i'm like, i'm going to get
>> jimmy: in china specifically? >> yeah, and i've convinced myself of it. last night i started to fall asleep, my eyes shot open, oh, no! i just keep thinking about it. >> jimmy: it makes you wonder why is the appendix even in there? why don't they just pull that out with the tonsils? adenoids, appendix, tonsils, get them out. >> wisdom teeth, get them out. have you ever -- you don't google image bacteria, do you? >> jimmy: bacteria, no. rashes i've done. >> there's this adorable bacteria. >> jimmy: what is it? >> it's called giardia. >> jimmy: is it all over our seats? oh, you have it on your phone? >> yeah, i've been planning this for days. >> jimmy: you're one of those. >> no, he's so cute. looks like the kool-aid guy. >> jimmy: do you mind if i show this? oh, it is kind of -- it does look like a pixar type -- >> isn't he cute? >> jimmy: he's adorable. do they all look like that or just that one? >> no, staph apocalis is a mean bacteria. >> jimmy: you're not kidding
>> giardia? because i thought i had it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you put this on other people too? i for instance will diagnose my wife and always correctly. >> but you're always correct? >> jimmy: always right. >> that happened to me. >> jimmy: she hates it. >> i was bothering somebody about a mole and i was like, that mole is bad news. the person was like, you think everything's bad news because you're psycho. and i said, yes, but that's a bad mole. they didn't tell me when i went -- when they went to the doctor, because i was so crazy and the doctor said i saved their life. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: their life? the doctor would say that. >> which made everything a lot worse. [ laughter ] one of my friends called up, was upstairs, she's like, jen, come look at this red bump on my butt. i was like, well, i'd love to! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: isn't it weird to get that feeling of satisfaction, when somebody's
noel is cancerous. >> i was right! >> jimmy: that's great. i know, i like that stuff too. i feel like we about our bodies. my wife is pregnant right now. and i see things forming and i feel like we should know about them. i even ask my doctor questions like, i want to know -- >> how it happened? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and who it happened with? [ laughter ] but like if you eat a pizza, how long does it take for that pizza to turn into fat in your body? >> right. >> jimmy: is it like a month? or does it happen like as you're eating it? is it going bup bup bup, could i eat ten pizzas and gain 14 pounds in one sitting? the answer to the first part of the question is yes, i could eat ten pizzas. [ laughter ] >> wow. you've given me a lot to think about. you started with your wife is pregnant and ended on i can eat 14 pizzas. >> jimmy: i always bring it back to myself and my accomplishments. >> are you worried your wife is getting fat? >> jimmy: no.
>> i meant because -- >> jimmy: i forbid it strictly. [ laughter ] no, i'm the only fatty allowed in this house. of course that was a joke, please don't write letters, thank you. [ laughter ] >> i know. i've been apologizing a lot. >> jimmy: have you been? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you feel like you have to sometimes? just to get people to stop? >> no, i just feel like i just didn't -- i'm just like, arrgh! i would never want to ever offend anyone on purpose. or be like mean. >> jimmy: you're just having fun. >> yeah, well -- you know. we're just -- you know. arrgh! >> jimmy: everybody's ready to pounce at all times. because you know if you criticize somebody for saying something that you think is inappropriate in some way, it makes you feel like you're the good person. i would never say anything like that, and shame on you. >> god, is it bad that i literally never felt that way? [ laughter ] is that a bad sign? >> jimmy: we should go right to the doctor.
doctor has to say. >> jimmy: it's a serious bacterial condition. there's something negative i want to discuss with you when we come back. >> oh, good. >> jimmy: jennifer lawrence is here. her movie is called "passengers." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ 3,2,1... lumière, action! ♪ when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. liberty did what? yeah, with liberty mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila!
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♪ >> warning. gravity failure. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that's jennifer lawrence in "passengers." [ cheers and applause ] it opens on december 21st. i like that movie. >> thank you. >> jimmy: really good. >> thank you. i really don't want to talk about it. >> jimmy: you don't want to talk about it at all? >> no, please, for the love of god, i can't talk about this movie anymore. >> jimmy: let's just say it's
>> it is really good. >> jimmy: you're in it. >> it's not that it's not good. >> jimmy: chris pratt's in it. >> you can see his butt. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you do see his butt. >> yeah, it's original material which is really rare. we're talking about it, i guess. >> jimmy: you're talking about it. let's talk about christmas. >> people don't usually fork out money for original things that aren't fantasies or books. [ laughter ] it's such a good movie, though. i really do mean it. for the love of god, just go see it. stop asking me about it! >> jimmy: appreciate your candor. what's the plan for christmas? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: are you a good gift giver? >> probably not. >> jimmy: do people tell you if they don't like your gifts? >> i think i'm a terrible gift giver. >> jimmy: oh. >> i gave, you know, a toddler that lives in an apartment building in new york a rabbit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> a live rabbit. >> jimmy: did you buy the rabbit? >> yeah, well, i adopted it. like his owner had died. she was like an old lady. so i was like, you should go to
>> jimmy: that's not adopting it. >> no. >> jimmy: that's taking it and handing it to somebody else. >> it's better than the pound. i thought when i was little, we were just -- i was like, a rat snake! it wasn't a big deal. i forgot the kid would be too tired to catch it. not tired, scared. sorry, i'm tired. just too tired to keep talking. >> jimmy: so will you spend it with your family? >> yeah, spend it with my family. >> jimmy: very good. >> i don't know what they're getting. >> jimmy: do you remember last time i saw you was at the u2 concert. here in l.a. it was about a year or so ago. >> i forgot. >> jimmy: bono mentioned me on stage. i have to say it was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me in my life. then after the concert we went back into an area to stand there nervously to tell bono that he was great. and you said, "i can't believe bono mentioned you." and i said, "i know, i can't believe it either." and you said, "i mean, of all the people here."
"you were probably the least deserving of any of them." >> why did he mention you? answer me now. >> jimmy: i still don't have an answer. >> why? i was there! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think that was the subtext. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: now this is the negative thing i wanted to show you. >> oh, good. >> jimmy: i know you're not necessarily on social media but chris pratt, who is on social media and he's on instagram and twitter and all that stuff, has been tweeting on the press tour, tweeting photographs, actually posting them on instagram. and so in each one of these instagram photos -- >> it's always a bad sign when chris seems sincere about something. [ laughter ] like, would you care if i took some photos for my social media, i think it would be good for boosting the movie. i'm like, of course. >> jimmy: he's setting you up.
finally got that selfie with jen you all wanted. here's another one. this one, just hanging with my bestie jen. here's jen and i. [ laughter ] this is another day down with me and my best buddy jen. [ laughter ] #passengersmovie. there are a lot of them. i whittled them down somewhat. that's you i guess. now, what kind of person are you? i mean, are you the kind of person who's going to take this? just let this sort of thing happen? let chris heap this kind of abuse on you? or are you going to do something about it? >> [ bleep ] it. i'm going to do something about it. >> jimmy: you are going to do something about it? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: great, you should do something about it. wait, where -- what -- [ cheers and applause ] where are you going? all right, well -- we should probably follow her. she's the only guest we have tonight. you know what, let's
find out what jennifer lawrence is going to do about it. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ n. ok. now, there are many right ways to fill out this tax return. and the irs will accept them all. one of them gets you the most money back. isn't that the one you want? that's the one i want. that's the one you want. mmm... you touched all these. don't just get your taxes done, amy. get your taxes won. o romeo, romeo! wherefore art thou romeo. call me but love, henceforth i never will be romeo my love is deep, the more i give to thee. a thousand times goodnight. ♪
that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi.
>> jimmy: so we're out on hollywood boulevard. jennifer lawrence is here. she's very, very angry right now. guillermo, are you angry also? >> guillermo: yeah, i'm angry. >> jimmy: we're all angry. at what chris pratt has done on instagram. >> bring it in! >> jimmy: what are we bringing in? >> you'll see. >> jimmy: did you have anything to do with this? >> guillermo: no, jimmy. >> jimmy: okay. i see what's coming in, all right. yeah, bring that in. this is taking so much longer than i imagined. hi, everyone. oh, oh! see, now. oh, wow, wow. this is really bad. maybe i should help with this. hi, guys, how are you doing? oh, this is -- this is what he
gets for being foolish, you know? >> did i get it? >> jimmy: i have an idea here too. >> what are you doing? >> jimmy: look, i have "ass" here. oh, okay, good. >> guillermo: can i help you, jimmy? >> jimmy: you can help if you want, guillermo. look at that. >> yeah. now it says "chris rat." >> oh, nice, ratt. >> jimmy: yeah, okay, a two-t'd rat. >> black, black. there we go. >> jimmy: there we go. >> i feel better. >> jimmy: yeah, you did the right thing here. you look lovely. we got "ass" with the arrow pointing to chris. maybe that will be a good lesson for him. >> i should have given him devil eyes. >> it's not too late. let'
quick. and maybe a little devil moustache as well. and a devil beard, yeah, look at that. all right, chris. well, you know what? >> is this tagging? >> jimmy: yeah, we did just tag. you guys want spray paint? there you go. there you go, enjoy. do it to all the movies that might be competing with this one. all right, very good. there you go. don't spray us, all right? well, there you go. i want to thank jennifer lawrence, you did a beautiful thing here. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: i want to thank guillermo, what a coincidence that you would have all this spray paint here on hand. "passengers" comes out december 21st. we'll be right back with phantogram!
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> dicky: "the jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought you by the dick's sporting goods foundation. go to sportsmatter.org to help save youth sports. why are you checking i want to see if it changed. credit scores don't change that much do they? really? i'll take it! sir, your credit... is great, right? when was the last time you checked? yeah, i better check my credit score. here, try credit karma. it's free. alright, no more surprises. credit karma. give yourself some credit.
>> dicky: "the jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by the dick's sporting goods foundation. go to sportsmatter.org to help save youth sports. >> jimmy: i would first and foremost like to apologize to matt damon because we did run out of time for him. thanks to jennifer lawrence for being here. this is their album. "nightline" is next but first, their album is called "three," here with the song "same old blues," phantogram! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and this is nothing new it's just the same old blues
nothing left to lose ♪ ♪ you can never break my heart everything will fall apart you can never save my soul ♪ ♪ i think it's time to let me go ♪ ♪ i keep on having this dream where i'm stuck in a hole and i can't get out ♪ ♪ there's always something that's pulling me down down down ♪ ♪ ♪ and this is nothing new it's just the same old blue and this is nothing new ♪ ♪ it's just the same old blues ♪ ♪ today i lost my future to the past ♪ ♪ i got nobody
♪ i'm going newspaper fast ♪ never getting far away enough like a shadow on the sidewalk i can't shake it off ♪ you can never change my mind ♪ ♪ i think i'm running out of time ♪ ♪ you can never save my soul ♪ i think it's time to let me go ♪ ♪ i keep on having this dream where i'm stuck in a hole and i can't get out ♪ ♪ there's always something that's pulling me down down down ♪ ♪ my heart is down on it's knees so i try oh i try but it's too late now ♪ ♪ there's always something that's pulling me down down down ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ i keep on having this dream where i'm stuck in a hole and i can't get out ♪ ♪ there's always something that's pulling me down down down ♪ ♪ my heart is down on its knees and no one is hearing me screaming ♪ ♪ there's always something that's pulling me down down down ♪ ♪ and this is nothing new it's just the same old blues ♪ ♪ and this is nothing new it's just the same old blues ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i don't like staying at home when the moon is bleeding red woke up stoned in the backseat ♪ ♪ from a dream where my teeth fell out of my head ♪ ♪ cut it up cut it up yeah everybody's on something here my godsend chemical best friend ♪ skeleton whispering in my ear ♪ walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss ♪ ♪ do you feel l
i wonder how far down it is ♪ ♪ ♪ nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ♪ ♪ used to take one now it's takes four you don't get me high anymore ♪ ♪ runnin through emergency rooms spinning wheels and ceiling fans my hand shake cellophane landscape ♪ ♪ mannequin fakin it the best i can ♪ ♪ it's cadillac cadillac red no hands on the steering wheel i'm crashing this save-a-ho puppet show ♪ ♪ ufo obliterate the way i feel ♪ walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss ♪ ♪ do you feel like letting go
♪ nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ♪ ♪ used to take one now it's takes four you don't get me high anymore ♪ you don't get me high anymore ♪ you don't get me high anymore ♪ ♪ come on put your hands up ♪ walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss ♪ ♪ do you feel like letting go
this is "nightline." tonight, mega lawsuit. burt ramsey, brother of murdered beauty queen jonbenet, suing cbs for a whopping $750 moun, in response to a docuseries that he says portrays him as his sister's killer. we're breaking down the evidence. so what's his case? plus, smoking hot. they're the biggest popstars of the moment. chart-topping songs and addictive tracks, but who are they? we're getting closer with the chain smokers. ♪ ♪ but first the "nightline" five.