tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC January 8, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EST
tyler perry, wagner moura, comedian iliza shlesinger, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 396! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i love you. oh, you make me feel good. hi, everybody. hot crowd tonight. man, oh, man. [ cheers and applause ]
"the tonight show." this is it. this is why there is a "tonight show," because of a crowd like this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is why. the one and only. so excited. i'm your host, jimmy fallon. now, here's what people are talking about. everybody is talking about this powerball drawing tomorrow night. this is huge. it is now up to $800 million. [ cheers ] the pot's gotten so big, even one guy was like, "i have to buy a lottery ticket. [ laughter and applause ] it's a good business move." [ laughter ] did you see this? at a rally last night in vermont, donald trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a a trump supporter. but several protesters got in anyway. so keep that in mind next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. [ laughter and applause ] "okay, you can come in, but just you guys.
and this week in las vegas, hillary clinton, bernie sanders and martin o'malley shared the stage at a dnc fund-raiser. yeah, i think the three of them might have had a little too much fun in vegas. take a look at this. "hangover 4"? [ laughter and applause ] i mean -- fun. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: went for it. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they went for it. this is interesting, here. i heard an autograph expert has said that hillary clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. for instance, a hillary clinton-signed hat is worth about $1,500, while a a jeb bush-signed hat is worth whatever the hat cost originally minus a few bucks for the jeb bush signature. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] kinda ruined. but then you have it removed and that's a decent hat. >> steve: you'll ruin the hat. >> jimmy: it's a nice hat. >> steve: i was going to wear this. he wrote on it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's an autograph. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: oh, it's been announced south carolina governor nikki haley will be giving the official republican response to obama's state of
it's a tough job, but if you look at the state of the union responses from the last couple years, i'm not sure the bar is set too high. >> the sting of the economy and the frustration with washing -- washington's dysfunction -- >> nothing has frustrated me more than false choices like the one the president laid out tonight. [ laughter ] the choice isn't just between big government or big business. [ laughter ] >> good evening, and happy mardi gras. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's my favorite one. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: why did he start that far back? back here. >> jimmy: you sure you don't want to start closer? you sure you don't -- it's perfect. >> steve: are you sure? that seems kind of far. and now the state of the union response. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good evening, and happy mardi gras. [ laughter ] >> steve: you don't want to slide in?
>> jimmy: you think jindal's entrance was bad, look at his exit. watch this. [ laughter ] that's how he leaves. [ cheers and applause ] he moonwalks. moonwalked off. >> steve: moonwalking. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i can't. i can't. bobby jindal >> jimmy: hey, this is a big story today. the president of mexico announced that the notorious drug lord, el chapo has been caught. [ audience oohs ] so good news, everybody. mexico is completely safe [ laughter and applause ] yeah. we can all go to hang out soon. we got it. don't worry about it. there's this video that went viral, i don't know if you saw this. it made me laugh. it's a kid at disneyland, he was on stage taking part in the park's jedi training academy. and i got to say, the force is pretty strong with this one. [ light laughter ] take a look at this guy. >> very good. oh, that was a good one. that was a good.
friendly fire. whoa, whoa. [ laughter ] easy, i'm on your side. okay. calm down. good job, young man. well done. all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: then darth vader was like, "kid, where is your father?" [ laughter and applause ] did he think candy was going to come out of one of them or something? >> steve: if candy had nuts in them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true. hey, here's some tech news. [ laughter ] segue. yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: over at the consumer electronics show in las vegas this week, a company debuted a a drone that can carry a a person. people were like, "wow, a a helicopter?"
that's already been invented years ago. we're good. >> steve: got it. >> jimmy: shoulda googled that. yeah.adgets this year is the virtual reality headset. everyone's talking about that. one company is actually coming out with a virtual reality porn. be pretty realistic, so check out this guy trying it out for the very -- [ laughter ] for the very first time. watch this. naughty america v.r. porn content in here. i'm gonna go check it out. here's your first threesome. whoa, whoa. ] i am a porn star. i am a male porn star. oh, my -- oh, my god. they are really right there. what do you want? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i just hope he's not
he's like, "stop it, stop it. what do you want?" [ laughter ] we haven't turned it on yet." we have a great show. give it up for the roots right there. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, roots. that was fantastic.again next week. this is big. the two current leaders of the 2016 presidential race, donald trump and hillary clinton will be here on the show.lause ] plus, kevin hart, danny devito, khloe kardashian and ray romano will be joining us. >> steve: oh!use ] >> jimmy: but first, we have a a fantastic show tonight. he's one of the most successful entertainers around. what a nice guy and so talented.talk to him. i love this guy. gentlemen.
show's crushing it. he's just a good guy.going to play "spin the microphone" with some special surprise guests later on in the show. that's right. plus, he's golden for his great work in the netflix series "narcos." he's amazing in this show. wagner moura is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's so good. have stand-up from one of my favorite comedians, iliza shlesinger is going to be here tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she's good. she's funny.iday, right? >> steve: yeah, it is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: today's friday. friday is when i usually catch know, check my inbox, return some e-mails and of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm running a bit behind, so i thought if you guys 'd like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? is that all right? [ cheers and applause ] you guys are the best. thank you. hey, james, can i have some riting music,
>> steve: oh, he's sly. >> jimmy: a sly dog. >> steve: he's a sly little fox. >> jimmy: a sly little fox. >> steve: ooh. look how cute he is. >> jimmy: he's a sly little [ laughter ] [ growl ]ear's resolutions, for being the easiest way to let everyone yourself. [ laughter and applause ]ing. yeah. no more chocolate for me. >> steve: yeah, that's it. >> jimmy: oh, you don't like that? licans and mustard, for being the only things that come in mild, spicy, brown, and yellow. [ laughter and applause ]teve: yeah, come on. >> jimmy: just thought of that. yeah. thank you, man accused of robbing an art museum in aling a a sculpture of abraham lincoln's hands. the suspect is described as
>> steve: oh.pplause ] yeah. somebody's thinking it. >> jimmy: that one got laughter s. >> steve: boos. yeah. [ laughter ] a couple. just a couple. >> jimmy: just a couple. >> steve: just a couple boos. not a lot. >> jimmy: i'll take em. i'll take em. that's nice. thank you, wall street investors, for worrying about how low apple stock is dropping. or as apple put it, "it's lighter and thinner than ever?" good thing, right? [ laughter ] ry clinton, for saying this week that we may have already been visited by aliens from space. and raising the question, if o say that out loud, what the hell were you hiding in those e-mails? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aliens?mething was in there. >> steve: weird. >> jimmy: guys, this is the
tonight. and i don't know if you guys ay, david bowie released a music video. he's got a new album out, called "blackstar." yeah, it's great. but in the video, he's sort of doing my thank you notes move.his. yeah. [ laughter ] that's my move. >> steve: yeah, that's your move. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: he lifted it. >> jimmy: yeah. well today is his 69th birthday, so in honor of hought we'd do our first ever thank you note from outer space. so please welcome from the international space station, the space oddity himself, and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] ol is this? how cool is this? >> can i have some thank you music, james? ice. >> thank you, living in space for a year, for being the best
invites. [ laughter ]nd applause ] >> jimmy: how great is that? >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those are my thank you notes.scott kelly, all the way from space. [ cheers and applause ] oh, i love him. we'll be right back with tyler perry everybody! [ cheers and applause ] some flavors are so good, you get hungry just thinking about 'em. and at red lobster's big festival of flavors you can savor 2 of 7 new and classic creations15.99. like delicious new maple-and-bacon grilled shrimp, because c'mon, what doesn't bacon go with?kick with these new ghost pepper bbq grilled shrimp. because if you like it spicy, garlicky, or cheesy, trust me you'll like this.last flavor is too
[ cheers and applause ]immy: oh, welcome. our first guest this evening is one of the hardest working performers in the world. he's an actor, writer, director, producer, best-selling author, probably o. his show "the haves and the have nots" is one of the most popular cable series on television. and you can see it tuesdays at wn. everyone, please welcome the multitalented tyler perry, ladies and gentlemen!
aving you back on the show. >> are you kidding me? i love being here with you, man. >> jimmy: oh, you're the best. >> yeah, you're my man crush. >> jimmy: i am? crush. man, i just love you >> jimmy: i'll say it right back. i love you. >> thank you bro. thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: right back at you pal.bout all sorts of fun things. but one thing i know that you do that i don't think i know anyone that does this, but you have a collection of beautiful remote control airplanes. tiny r.c. planes. it's pretty awesome. >> jimmy: yeah, little tiny -- i have a picture your newest -- >> my newest r.c. plane. my little tiny plane. >> jimmy: all right, i want to ause, you know -- [ laughter ] >> ain't that crazy? >> jimmy: and that's a remote control plane? >> a remote control airbus a380. i got it bad, man. it started off like a nice little hobby.yeah. yeah. >> now it's like cocaine. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like "narcos." >> yeah, right, complete
complete "narcos."te "narcos." >> love that show. >> jimmy: but where -- oh, yeah he's fantastic in it. but, where do you fly it? >> i have a place in georgia that i fly it.'s legal? [ light laughter ] >> yeah, it's legal, because it's under a certain weight. so it has to be under w >> ji >> as far as you can see it. >> jimmy: that's what i was gonna o -- you look ipad or somethin you're flying? >> no, you look as far as yo can see. if you're wat you don't want t ipad and fly >> jimmy: no, no. >> so i've got my remote, watching it in the air to see a pattern that i fly. i have so much -- i have much woods around me something h a tree rather than hitting something. i want to get more exciting g a plane. >> yes. >> jimmy: since i have last seen you, you have a baby. >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: congratulati a 1-year thank yo and so do yo saw you have two. you >> jim babies. last ti you said you're going books. i said, "no," and you kind of made fun of me. so, did you read books? >> and none of it works. i read all this information, how to -- threw it all out the window, man. it does nothing. >> jimmy: it does nothing.
i'm sorry to all the book writers out there.mething you have to learn. you have the information, but until you start to learn and watch yourself, it's like asking a man to read directions. we don't want to do that. don't want to do it. it doesn't happen. you go, this is not the way the book is telling you. but, have you learned anything from having a 1-year-old baby? >> yes, not to buy toys with noise. man, i'm telling you, those freakin' -- >> jimmy: it is un -- >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: no, it's unbelievable. >> everything makes noise. i'm like, dude, we got to do ere. we can't have you with all these toys that make noise. when the batteries start to go dead, it's scary. cause if they say, it starts off -- i love you ery, right? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> the batteries start to go dead. you kick it in the middle of the night. it goes, "i loathe you." [ laughter ] it's scary, man.vil elmo. >> the devil elmo. >> jimmy: the devil possessed elmo like, "tickle me!" [ laughter ] >> right, right. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. tickle me. >> "tickle me, black man!" [ laughter ] no, man. >> jimmy: "tickle me, black man," is not what it says. tickle me, black man. >> "kick your ass out of here,"
>> jimmy: i want to talk about the show "the haves and have nots." >> yeah. >> jimmy: giant hit. >> huge hit on own. huge hit on own. >> jimmy: tuesdays at 9:00.s premiere was tuesday night's number one show in all of cable. >> jimmy: i mean, that's insane. congratulations on that. >> thank you, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's super cool.ppy. we're very happy. >> jimmy: you work hard on that stuff. >> we work very hard. i write every episode myself. you know, we're happy. oprah's happy. it's really great. and oprah is the -- also the godmother to your son. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: does she give nice gifts? >> she gave the best gifts. her [ laughter ended up being a problem. she gave me a basket of books for him. so being the godmother, she gave me a basket of books that'll take him fr till off to college. so he has his own book club. no, really. >> jimmy: he does? >> it's called "imman's book club." >> jimmy: that's so great. >> yeah, but now he wants me to read everything to him in the basket. ng all night. >> jimmy: so it is noise. >> it is noise. >> jimmy: in a weird yeah. >> in a weird way. >> jimmy: which i love you
l [ laughter ] that's my kid's favorite b >> tickle me, black man. >> jimmy: absolutely. [ laughter ] >> o that's the hit right there. >> jimmy: that's something, right? >> that's what we need to do.mes. >> jimmy: we got to present that, right? >> that's right. read nursery rhymes. our own books that we invented for our kids. mine is going to be called, man." >> jimmy: yeah, yea >> yeah, yo with a few. >> jimmy: i'll come up with something. "daddy, stop drinking." i [ laughter ] >> "daddy, what was that noise i heard coming out of the and mommy?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's a good book. that's a good book too. every time -- >> this could go on for hours, you know. >> jimmy: i know. i know. i'm going to get out of it. >> especially if it in the bedroom it go on for a long, long, long time. >> jimmy: in some cases, yeah. [ laughter ] short story. short story. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. it's not a picture book, thank goodness. [ laughter ] see where i take it. >> jimmy: every time you come on, we always -- we do remote something fun like that. it up. >> okay. >> jimmy: i want to test your singing skills.
man.am levine. i saw -- all these people. ariana grande, she was killing it in this chair. i'm thinking, why the hell doesn't he ask me to sing something? i don't have to know keys.have a great voice. [ cheers and applause ] let's do it. we're going to sing. >> jimmy: tyler perry and i are playing "spin the microphone" with surprise guests when we come back everybody!lause ] meet tim mahoney. tim thinks you need to be some sort of mastermind to do your own taxes.ermind george smoot to help him. ok, what does it say there? it says, "did you buy a home?"? yes. well then, press there. (cellphone tone) ok. thanks. turbotax. taxes done smarter. if you're trying to be a little better... things just got introducing entrees loaded with flavor, not calories. applebee's grill & bar favorites
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, everybody.he super talented actor, director -- >> singer! >> jimmy: producer -- >> singer! >> jimmy: supermodel -- >> singer! >> jimmy: tyler perry, right d gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] and we're going to find out if we can add singer to that list, because we're going to play a a game called "spin the microphone." to meet two more people to play with us. so, please welcome to the stage the stars of "broad city" on comedy central ilana glazer and
>> jimmy: get ready. thank you, thank you. guys. thank you, thank you for being here. [ cheers ] okay. now, here's how the game works. it's basically a musical version of spin the bottle. one of us will spin the microphone.ands on will have to sing a song selected for them at random. >> what if you don't know it? >> jimmy: if you don't know it, that makes it more fun. >> makes it fun. >> jimmy: you have to wing it and just go for your best. try your best. if the mic lands on you twice, you can choose to have someone else sing the song for you if you want.nds on you once? can i choose to have someone -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's not -- you have to sing. now, everyone take your positions. here we go, we're gonna start. be fun. all right, here we go. since i'm the host, i'm going to spin first, all right? >> of course, you're the host. >> jimmy: that's right. here we go. all right., come on. no whammies. no whammies. no whammies. no, yes! not going to be me. [ light laughter ] congratulations.
>> here we go.ove going first. >> jimmy: you love going first. >> love it. >> jimmy: it's the best thing. you feel so comfortable. >> it's my dream. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's see what song do first. >> oh, my god. >> this -- oh. >> jimmy: "i don't want to wait" by paula cole. the theme from "dawson's creek." >> do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here we go. go over there. let's do it. >> jimmy: there you go. roots, whenever you're ready, roots. >> yeah, girl. >> jimmy: yeah, there we go. >> wow. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> a ballad., yeah. almost. that's the way paula did it. she would hint -- open up your morning light say a little prayer for i you know that if we are to stay alive peace in every eye do do do do do do do do do doo do >> jimmy: dawson! she had two babieshs one was three
i don't want to wait for our lives to be overknow right now when will it be will it be i don't want to wait be over will it be yes or will it be sorry lause ] >> jimmy: that's like seeing paula cole -- >> paula cole.yeah, live right there. that was a treat right there. come on. >> that was a great paula abdul. that was great. [ light laughter ] i mean paula cole, sorry. >> jimmy: all right. since you just went, you can spin. it's your turn to spin. great job. >> your turn abbi. >> jimmy: come on, come on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: abbala. >> here we go. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ]yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
see what song you'll be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ]. "i can't feel my face." >> that's high. >> jimmy: that's a high note right there. >> that's a high song. high note. you guys got to bring me in.great song. great song. [ cheers and applause ] and i know you'll be the death of me at least we'll both be numb always get the best of me the worst is yet to come but at least we'll both be beautiful and stay forever young i know she told me don't worry about ite don't worry no more >> too high. she told me you'll never be without itu'll never be alone i can't feel my face
i can't feel my face when i'm with you >> drake! love it but i love it [ cheers and applause ] you used to call me >> jimmy: you drake'd it. [ light laughter ] you drake'd it. >> thank you, thank you very thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: that's the drake remix.ic. >> next time we'll drop the keys somewhere. [ boing ] what was that? >> jimmy: you know what that sound means. >> no, i don't. tell me please quickly. >> jimmy: was that you? >> i thought it was you. >> jimmy: it's a very exciting performance. it's time for the duet round. that's right. so whoever the microphone lands s to choose a a partner to sing with them, okay? >> i get to spin it? >> jimmy: you get to spin it, buddy. [ laughter ] fair? >> jimmy: let's go. let's do it. what's the song?
first, sorry. [ audience oohs ] we can do it. >> you got it. >> jimmy: bell biv devoe. i don't know the bell or biv part, but i know the devoe part pretty well. [ laughter ] lause ] girl i must warn youmething strange in my mind situation looks seriousause we're running out of time check it out it's driving me out of my mind's why it's hard for me to find can't get it out of my head miss her kiss her love herg move you're dead
anat girl is poison [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can we one more? killer. hey, killer. come on, pal. >> killer. never trust a big butt and a a smile. >> jimmy: that's my partner.my partner. here we go. i'm spinning. >> come on. >> jimmy: congratulations. someone? >> cool. me and you. [ cheers and applause ] never trust a big butt and a a smile. what are we doing? >> jimmy: all right, what's the song? doing? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i think i'm going to pass on this one. >> jimmy: you can't pass on this one.high. i'll do the bass part.
look into my eyes take me to the clouds above how will i know don't trust your feelings how will i know know how will i know know if she -- >> jimmy: give it up, everybody, right here. that's all the time we have for "spin the microphone." my thanks to tyler perry, lana glazer. stick around. we'll be right back with wagner moura, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we stop arthritis pain, so you don't have to stop. in go. onward.
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a golden globe nomination for his role as pablo escobar in cclaimed new series "narcos." which currently airs on netflix. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome wagner moura! lause ] >> jimmy: wagner. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: wagner. thank you so much for being on the show. >> dude, you kidding me?re. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm glad, i'm happy that you're happy to be here. this is great. that was -- was that acting? >> no, no. >> jimmy: oh, ok. for a second, i thought you went to a dark place. >> jesus christ, no. no, no. >> jimmy: this is good.l. >> come on, no. >> jimmy: now, i know -- you still, do you live in brazil? >> i do. i live in rio. have you been there? [ scattered applause ]
i've just seen -- >> thank you.lause ] >> jimmy: we allow two people from -- >> brazilians nearby? >> jimmy: we only allow two brazilians to each show. [ laughter ] >> i know.ing, sorry. gearing up for the olympics, yeah. here you are now. on your way, you went to las vegas for the first time. >> yeah.to know for the first time, what was the experience like? did you enjoy it, was it odd? >> i didn't understand it. >> jimmy: no. >> i'm still like trying to figure it out. different. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> i tried to gamble a little, but i just didn't understand the rules.n't gamble. they don't have gambling in brazil? >> it's forbidden. >> jimmy: it's forbidden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, i didn't know that. >> it is. >> jimmy: so, you did the macarena. the forbidden dance. you did the forbidden dance. >> i did a forbidden thing. it didn't work well for me. >> jimmy: what did you do?ne was the blackjack, right?
the 21. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess so. >> and i didn't understand.
understand -- >> i tried, and my friends, they had to help me out, because i just couldn't. you have these things you have to do with your hand, like this and this. >> jimmy: you don't wave. no one waves. >> and i was trying to be cool. >> jimmy: like driving.k really well. they're like, "do the thing." >> jimmy: waving. yeah. you lost money. >>
i lost 60 bucks. [ laughter ]immy: no, no, no. in america -- no, no, no. in america, that's an appetizer. in america, that's an amuse-bouche. even gambling there. >> i didn't want to go further. >> jimmy: you go with the amount of money you want to lose. >> but i did something really cool there. because i've been -- i'm married, but i never got married.ve been living with my wife for 15 years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> we have three kids. and we never got married like
>> jimmy: oh., maybe this is -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bad idea. this is a bad idea. idea. >> so, i thought, they said it's kinda cool there, the elvis presley thing -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: please. oh, no.o your wife. >> so i proposed. >> jimmy: you proposed to your wife? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did she say yes? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she said, "no."" she said, "are you ridiculous? don't "-- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're not having elvis marry us. >> "what are you thinking?" yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, good. all right.u got it out of the way. you proposed and she said "no." >> she said "no." >> jimmy: so that's perfect. yeah, so at least you have a a good relationship.red out. [ laughter ] if you don't wanna get married. >> she said "no," yeah. >> jimmy: i'm so happy -- >> she refused. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, it happens. look, sometimes you have aetimes you're married for 15 years and not really married. and it happens. >> that's what i think, too. >> jimmy: i want to talk about
>> jimmy: of course you're gonna get nominated. it's so great. you're so great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i wasn't familiar with you as an actor, which i , but i -- we don't get brazilian channels in the united states. [ light laughter ] in my household, but i watched this thing, and as soon as i saw you, i go, "who is this guy?"ievable. you must always speak spanish. >> it was the craziest thing, because the first idea was to do it in english.at i could speak english with an accent. i could do that. >> jimmy: how did you get -- yeah, how did that cast you? >> i think this is the most, i mean, this is a big case of miscasting.it is, yeah. >> one of the biggest miscastings. >> jimmy: i totally disagree. you did not know how to speak spanish? >> i was super skinny. pounds lighter. and i didn't speak a word of spanish. so when they decided to do it,
crazy."you're playing pablo escobar. you have to look like that guy. you can't have a new character, "hi, i'm pablo escobar, and [ laughter and applause ] and you got any cocaine? [ laughter ] what's going on?" like, no, he's a real person. i flew myself, even before net -- netflix didn't even know i was being considered to play the part. myself to medellin, to colombia in order to learn spanish. and i put myself in the university, in a spanish course for foreigners.ass with japanese teenagers. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how crazy is that. how much weight did you gain? >> 40 pounds. >> jimmy: wow.ke being in school. learning things and eating delicious foods. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. freshman 15. yeah, eating ice cream and . >> that's what i did.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. i've been -- i've been corrected. forbidden dance. [ laughter ] it's the lambata i was thinking about. is forbidden in my house. [ laughter ]to do it. guys, check us out next week. donald trump, kevin hart, danny devito, hillary clinton, and ray romano will all be here on our show.lause ] so please join us. we're joined right now by a a very funny comedian. on february 5th you can see her e mohegan sun in connecticut. please welcome back to the show iliza shlesinger, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. this is my third time on "the tonight show." and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ]st time i was here, i told you all the legend of the party goblin.
know, your party goblin is a a small creature that lives in rain. and she is responsible for all the poor decisions you make when you're drunk. [ light laughter ] she's the one back there like, eat that sandwich out of the garbage. [ laughter ]ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off. and you know it's your party goblin that got you by the you wake up the next morning. i drank so much the other night, i slept for 15 hours. i slept so long, i almost died. [ laughter ]a point at around 2:00 p.m. where my soul was like, should i just go? [ laughter ]ow it's your party goblin that got you when you wake up the next morning and the first thing out of your mouth is, "oh, my god. i'm sorry." [ laughter ] i talk a lot about drinking. that's because my generation drinks a lot. we are a generation of drinkers because we are the worst. [ cheers ] yes.nials. we cheer for ourselves. yes.
great. good job, guys. we're entitled. i don't want to be an intern. i just to wanna like blog from a toilet. [ laughter ] and make a lot of money doing but the truth is, we inherited this situation from our grandparents. they started this wave of entitlement. here's a history lesson. so your grandparents had to they had no choice. okay. they had no choice. it's not like today where people are allowed to be disenfranchised. in fact, our country does such fending us, if you don't like the war going on right now, unlike it on facebook. [ laughter ] grandparents had no chose. they were straight up drizafted. when your grandpa came home from cracking skulls in okinawa, all he wanted to do was live the american dream. to do have a life, have a family, be like a little racist, and live the american dream. [ laughter ] it's not like -- they came - they came home, they got right to work.
no one's grandpa came home and was like, i just want to backpack around oregon and find myself.lause ] no one's grandma came home from helping on the front lines and was just like, i just wanna make jewelry and be a mermaid. [ laughter ]lack -- snuck up on me. i think that we lack the mental capacity to fully appreciate buted because now they're old. right? and we look at them and we think they're cute. oh, my god, cause they're tiny, year, pick em up, put it on, they don't like it, right? and the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you've assigned like a weird kitten like nickname to your grandfather. [ laughter ]randpa anymore. it's like this is my nim-nam. [ laughter and applause ] this is my nippers. oh, my god, you guys, double tap. he's so cute. look at my pip-pop. aw. sometimes at christmas when lls asleep, we like
bows. [ laughter ] silly pip-pop. pip-pop got 53 confirmed kills. [ laughter ]lause ] show some respect to pip-pop.g generation. our generation is not strong. and women get the garbage end of the stick because we're not even physically strong. which is the only strength that omes to defending yourself. women aren't even physically strong. we're only physically strong when it comes to child birth. and it's really not useful the e. like it's insane the fact i could, if i chose, push a small human being through my vagina. [ laughter ] yet i lack the upper body ute 20 proper push-ups. that's insane. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]ve to be strong because we put up with a lot. it's hard to be a girl. i haven't been a guy in like a a while. [ laughter ] but we have to withstand a lot
right?art you are, or accomplished as a woman, our looks are always the topic of discussion, our bodies. i can only think from the perspective of an upper middle n, but being thin has been expected of us for way too long. being gaunt to the point of extinction. here it's like, what up, bitches, find me, right? [ laughter ] it's hard. it wasn't until the last olor and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable to have the body of a grown woman. jennifer lopez came on to the e of a a brontosaurus. que paso? [ laughter ] [ applause ] and it became sexy. white women we'll take it.e us. black women have an unshakable sense of self esteem. they want -- you can tell her anything you don't like about her, she won't believe you. white girls. they're like, i don't like your hair. how can i fix it chad? [ laughter ] please don't get out of the
like something about her. first of all, i dare you. [ laughter ] she won't buy it. like your jeans. she'll be like, bull[ bleep ], i see you looking. [ laughter ] thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ]oh, my gosh. iliza shlesinger right there. [ cheers and applause ] come on. mohegan sun february 5th. we'll be right back, everybody. hit a homerun pal.
[ cheers and applause ]love that. my thanks to tyler perry, ilana glazer, abbi jacobson, wagner moura, iliza shlesinger, right there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] phenomenal. >> jimmy: and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching.kend. i hope to see you next week.