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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  January 29, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EST

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>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his
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tyler perry, wagner moura, comedian iliza shlesinger, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 396! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i love you. oh, you make me feel good. hi, everybody. hot crowd tonight. man, oh, man. [ cheers and applause ]
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"the tonight show." this is it. this is why there is a "tonight show," because of a crowd like this. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is why. the one and only. so excited. i'm your host, jimmy fallon. now, here's what people are talking about. everybody is talking about this powerball drawing tomorrow night. this is huge. it is now up to $800 million. [ cheers ] the pot's gotten so big, even one guy was like, "i have to buy a lottery ticket. [ laughter and applause ] it's a good business move." [ laughter ] did you see this? at a rally last night in vermont, donald trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a a trump supporter. but several protesters got in anyway. so keep that in mind next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. [ laughter and applause ] "okay, you can come in, but just you guys.
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and this week in las vegas, hillary clinton, bernie sanders and martin o'malley shared the stage at a dnc fundraiser. yeah, i think the three of them might have had a little too much fun in vegas. take a look at this. "hangover 4"? [ laughter and applause ] i mean -- fun. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: went for it. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they went for it. this is interesting, here. i heard an autograph expert has said that hillary clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. for instance, a hillary clinton-signed hat is worth about $1,500, while a a jeb bush-signed hat is worth whatever the hat cost originally minus a few bucks for the jeb bush signature. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] kinda ruined. but then you have it removed and that's a decent hat. >> steve: you'll ruin the hat. >> jimmy: it's a nice hat. >> steve: i was going to wear this. he wrote on it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's an autograph. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: oh, it's been announced south carolina governor nikki haley will be giving the official republican
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it's a tough job, but if you look at the state of the union responses from the last couple years, i'm not sure the bar is set too high. >> the sting of the economy and the frustration with washing -- washington's dysfunction -- >> nothing has frustrated me more than false choices like the one the president laid out tonight. [ laughter ] the choice isn't just between big government or big business. [ laughter ] >> good evening, and happy mardi gras. [ laughter ] one. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: why did he start that far back? >> steve: i'm gonna start from back here. >> jimmy: you sure you don't want to start closer? you sure you don't -- no, no, i got -- yeah. it's perfect. >> steve: are you sure? that seems kind of far. and now the state of the union response. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good evening, and happy mardi gras. [ laughter ] slide in? [ laughter ]
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entrance was bad, look at his exit. watch this. [ laughter ] that's how he leaves. [ cheers and applause ] he moonwalks. moonwalked off. >> steve: moonwalking. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i can't. i can't. bobby jindal >> jimmy: hey, this is a big story today. the president of mexico announced that the notorious drug lord, el chapo has been caught. [ audience oohs ] so good news, everybody. mexico is completely safe again. yeah. we can all go to hang out soon. we got it. don't worry about it. there's this video that went viral, i don't know if you saw this. it made me laugh. it's a kid at disneyland, he was on stage taking part in the park's jedi training academy. and i got to say, the force is pretty strong with this one. [ light laughter ] take a look at this guy. >> very good. oh, that was a good one.
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that's some friendly fire. friendly fire. whoa, whoa. [ laughter ] okay. calm down. good job, young man. well done. all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: then darth vader was like, "kid, where is your father?" [ laughter and applause ] did he think candy was going to come out of one of them or something? >> steve: if candy had nuts in them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true. hey, here's some tech news. [ laughter ] segue. yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: over at the consumer electronics show in las vegas this week, a company debuted a a drone that can carry a a person. people were like, "wow, a
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[ laughter and applause ] that's already been invented we're good. >> steve: got it. yeah. one of the big gadgets this year is the virtual reality headset. everyone's talking about that. one company is actually coming out with a virtual reality porn. it's supposed to be pretty realistic, so check out this guy trying it out for the very -- for the very first time. watch this. >> there's some naughty america ent in here. i'm gonna go check it out. here's your first threesome. whoa, whoa. [ laughter ]ar. i am a male porn star. oh, my -- oh, my god. they're right there.y right there. what do you want? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i just hope he's not like that with actual women.
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what do you want?" [ laughter ]y're like, "we haven't turned it on yet." we have a great show. give it up for the roots right there. [ cheers [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, roots. that was fantastic. guys, come back again next week. this is big.t leaders of the 2016 presidential race, donald trump and hillary clinton will be here on the show. [ cheers and applause ]nny devito, khloe kardashian and ray romano will be joining us. >> steve: oh!e ] >> jimmy: but first, we have a a fantastic show tonight. he's one of the most successful entertainers around.so talented. i can't wait to talk to him. i love this guy.
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gentlemen.e ] show's crushing it. he's just a good guy. tyler and i are going to play "spin the microphone" with some special surprise guests later on in the show. plus, he's golden globe-nominated for his great work in the netflix series "narcos."this show. wagner moura is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's so good. and we have stand-up from one of my favorite comedians, nger is going to be here tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she's good. she's funny. guys, today's friday, right?s. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: today's friday. friday is when i usually catch ff, you know, check my inbox, return some e-mails and of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] hind, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? is that all right?e ] you guys are the best. thank you. hey, james, can i have some thank you note writing music,
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ly. >> jimmy: a sly dog. >> steve: he's a sly little fox. >> jimmy: a sly little fox. [ laughter ] >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: he's a sly little fox. [ laughter ] [ growl ]s resolutions, for being the easiest way to let everyone know what you hate about yourself.use ] kind of interesting. yeah. no more chocolate for me. >> steve: yeah, that's it.n't like that? thank you, republicans and he only things that come in mild, spicy, brown, and yellow. [ laughter and applause ]: yeah, come on. >> jimmy: just thought of that. yeah. thank you, man accused of robbing an art museum in g a a sculpture of abraham lincoln's hands.ibed as
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>> steve: oh. [ laughter and applause ] yeah.it. >> jimmy: that one got laughter and a couple boos. >> steve: boos. yeah. uple. just a couple. >> jimmy: just a couple. >> steve: just a couple boos. not a lot. >> jimmy: i'll take em. i'll take em. that's nice. l street investors, for worrying about how low apple stock is dropping. or as apple put it, "it's than ever?" [ laughter and applause ] good thing, right? [ laughter ] thank you, hillary clinton, for saying this week that we may have already been visited by e. and raising the question, if you're willing to say that out loud, what the hell were you hiding in those e-mails? [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aliens? >> jimmy: something was in there.
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thank you note for tonight. so please welcome from the international space station, self, astronaut scott kelly, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] cool is this? how cool is this? >> can i have some thank you music, james? : very nice. >> thank you, living in space for a year, for being the best excuse to click no on facebook invites. [ laughter ]pplause ] >> jimmy: how great is that?n. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those are my thank you notes. my thank you to scott kelly, all the way from space. [ cheers and applause ] oh, i love him. we'll be right back with erybody!
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[ cheers and applause ]oh, welcome. our first guest this evening is one of the hardest working
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director, producer, best-selling author, probably other things, too. his show "the haves and the have nots" is one of the most on television. and you can see it tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on own. everyone, please welcome the ler perry, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] aving you back on the show. >> are you kidding me? i love being here with you, man. >> jimmy: oh, you're the best. >> yeah, you're my man crush. >> jimmy: i am?an crush. man, i just love you. >> jimmy: i'll say it right back. i love you. >> thank you bro. thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: right back at you pal. about all sorts of fun things. but one thing i know that you do that i don't think i know
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have a collection of beautiful airplanes. >> yeah, little, tiny r.c. planes. it's pretty awesome. >> jimmy: yeah, little tiny -- i have a picture your newest -- >> my newest r.c. plane.. >> jimmy: all right, i want to talk about this 'cause, you know -- [ laughter ] >> ain't that crazy? >> jimmy: and that's a remote control plane?airbus a380. i got it bad, man. it started off like a nice little hobby. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. >> now it's like cocaine. i can't stop. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like "narcos." >> yeah, right, complete "narcos." complete "narcos." >> jimmy: complete "narcos." >> love that show.-- oh, yeah he's fantastic in it. but, where do you fly it? >> i have a place in georgia that i fly it. ? [ light laughter ] >> yeah, it's legal, because it's under a certain weight. so it has to be under a certain weight to be legal.r away does it go? >> as far as you can see it. >> jimmy: that's what i was gonna say. you have to -- you look on an you're flying? >> no, you look as far as you can see. if you're watching it in air, you don't want to look at an ipad and fly that.
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how far it's going. and i just ha i fly. i have so muc something happens, it hits a a tree ra something.more exciting news than getting a plane. >> yes. >> jimmy: since i have last seen you, you have a >> yes yes. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> yes. a 1-year-old.e ] thank you. and so do you. >> jimmy: yeah, i do. >> i saw you have two. you have two now. >> jimmy: i have babies.about it, you said you're b i said, "no," and you kind of made fun of me. so, did you read books? >> and none of it works. ll this information, how to -- threw it all window, man. it does nothing. >> jimmy: it does nothing. >> it d writers out there. just, this is have to learn.nf until you sta asking a man to read directions. we don't want to do t >> jimmy: no you don't want to do it. it doesn't happen.the way the book is telling you. but, have you learned anything from having a 1-year-old baby? >> yes, not to buy toys with noise. [ laughter ] man, i'm telling you, those freakin' --- >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: no, it's unbelievable. >> everything makes noise. i'm like, dude, we got to do something else here. these toys that make noise. when the batteries start to go
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cause if they say, it starts i love you right? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> the batteries start to go dead. you kick it in the middle of the night. it goes, "i loathe you." it's scary, man. >> jimmy: the devil elmo. >> the devil elmo. >> jimmy: the devil possessed elmo like, "tickle me!" [ laughter ] tickle me. >> "tickle me, black man!" yeah. no, man. >> jimmy: "tickle me, black says. tickle me, black man. >> "kick your ass out of here," is what it says. you did not miss out, man. >> jimmy: i want to talk about and have nots." >> yeah. >> jimmy: giant hit. >> huge hit on own. huge hit on own. >> jimmy: tuesdays at 9:00. as tuesday night's number one show in all of cable. >> jimmy: i mean, that's insane. congratulations on that. >> thank you, thank you.e ] >> jimmy: that's super cool. >> we're very happy. we're very happy. >> jimmy: you work hard on that stuff. >> we work very hard. i write every episode myself.happy. oprah's happy. it's really great. >> jimmy: yeah. and oprah is the -- also the godmother to your son. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: does she give nice
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her toys didn't make noise. [ laughter ] but, but, but it ended up being a problem. she gave me a basket of books for him.er, she gave me a basket of books that'll take him from the crib till off to college. so he has his own book club. no, really. >> jimmy: he does?imman's book club." >> jimmy: that's so great. >> yeah, but now he wants me to read everything to him in the basket. so it's like i'm reading all night.oise. >> it is noise >> jim yeah. >> in a weird way. >> jimmy: which one is i love yo >> you know, that's me. >> jimmy: tickle me at's my kid's favorite book. >> tickle me, black m >> jimmy: absolutely. [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah. that's the hit right there. >> jimmy: that's something, right?ed to do. read nursery rhymes. >> jimmy: we got to present that, right? >> that's right. read nursery rhymes. nted for our kids. mine is going to be called, "tickle me black man." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> yeah, you got to come up with a few. >> yeaddy, st it's going to be gr [ laughter ] >> "daddy, what was that noise i heard coming out of the bedroom from you and mommy?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's a good book.oo. every time -- >> this could go on for hours,
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>> jimmy: i know. i know. almost too long. i'm going to get out of it.in the bedroom it go on for a long, long, long time. >> jimmy: in some cases, yeah. as you said. [ laughter ] t story. >> short story. short story. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. it's not a picture book, thank goodness. >> no, no. [ laughter ] see where i take it. you come on, we always -- we do remote controls, and do something fun like that. but tonight, i want to switch it up. >> okay. to test your singing skills. >> i so want you to do that man. because i saw adam levine. i saw -- all these people. ariana grande, she was killing it in this chair.why the hell doesn't he ask me to sing something? i don't have to know keys. i don't have to have a great [ cheers and applause ] let's do it. >> jimmy: tyler perry and i are playing "spin the microphone" with surprise guests when we come back everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ssup? i'm hannibal i'm gonna use samsung pay to get a katz's deli pastrami sandwich. (katz's employees) hey!!! you mean like apple pay?
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no like samsung pay. kind of works everywhere. even on this janky old thing. ne. whadda ya want hannibal? i want to pay with my phone. don't look at the cameras mike. you ready? it doesn't work. watch me. boom! samsung pay is here and pretty much everywhere else. adventures from $599, at sea. come seek the royal caribbean.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, everybody.uper talented actor, director -- >> singer! >> jimmy: producer -- >> singer! >> jimmy: supermodel -- >> singer! >> jimmy: tyler perry, right gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] and we're going to find out if we can add singer to that list, because we're going to play a a game called "spin the microphone."re going to meet two more people to play with us. so, please welcome to the stage the stars of "broad city" on glazer and abbi jacobson.
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jimmy: get ready. thank you, thank you. i love you guys. thank you, thank you for being here. [ cheers ] okay. now, here's how the game works. a musical version of spin the bottle. one of us will spin the microphone. whoever it lands on will have for them at random. >> what if you don't know it? >> jimmy: if you don't know it, that makes it more fun. >> makes it fun. >> jimmy: you have to wing it and just go for your best. try your best. if the mic lands on you twice, you can choose to have someone or you if you want. >> what if it lands on you once? can i choose to have someone -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's not -- you have to sing.our positions. here we go, we're gonna start. this is going to be fun. all right, here we go. since i'm the host, i'm going ight? >> of course, you're the host. >> jimmy: that's right. here we go. all right. come on, come on, come on. no whammies. no whammies. no whammies. not going to be me. [ light laughter ] congratulations. congratulations.
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>> you know, i love going first. >> jimmy: you love going first. >> love it. the best thing. you feel so comfortable. >> it's my dream. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's see what song you're going to do first. >> oh, my god. >> this -- oh.on't want to wait" by paula cole. the theme from "dawson's creek." >> do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here we go. go over there. >> let's do it. let's do it.e you go. roots, whenever you're ready, roots. >> yeah, girl. >> jimmy: yeah, there we go. >> wow. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> a ballad., yeah. almost. that's the way paula did it. she would hint -- open up your morning light say a little prayer for i you know that if we are to stay alive in every eye do do do do do do do do do do >> jimmy: dawson! she had two babiesnths
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i don't want to waite over i want to know right now when will it be will it be i don't want to waitto be over will it be yes or will it be sorry [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's like seeing paula cole -- >> paula cole., live right there. that was a treat right there. come on. >> that was a great paula abdul. that was great. [ light laughter ] i mean paula cole, sorry. [ laughter ] since you just went, you can spin. it's your turn to spin. great job. >> your turn abbi. >> jimmy: come on, come on. no whammies. abbala. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: abbala. >> it's gonna go for a while. >> here we go. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.-- let's see what song you'll be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ] the weeknd. "i can't feel my face."
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right there. >> that's a high song. high note.o bring me in. >> jimmy: great song. great song. [ cheers and applause ] know you'll be the death of me at least we'll both be numb and she'll always get the best of me the worst is yet to come at least we'll both be beautiful and stay forever young this i know this i know me don't worry about it she told me don't worry no more >> too high.me you'll never be without it she told me you'll never i can't feel my face when i'm with you
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i can't feel my face when i'm with you >> drake! but i love it >> do the drake. but i love it e ] used to call me >> jimmy: you drake'd it. [ light laughter ] you drake'd it. >> thank you, thank you very much. thank you. thank you. remix. that was fantastic. >> next time we'll drop the keys somewhere. [ boing ] what was that? >> jimmy: you know what that sound means.. tell me please quickly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was that you? >> i thought it was you. >> jimmy: it's a very exciting performance. nd. that's right. so whoever the microphone lands on this time gets to choose a a partner to sing with them, okay? buddy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's go. let's do it. what's the song?
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first, sorry.s ] we can do it. i know this one. >> you got it. >> jimmy: bell biv devoe.l or biv part, but i know the devoe part pretty well. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] girl i must warn you i sense something strange in my mind looks serious let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time it's driving me out of my mind for me to find can't get it out of my head miss her kiss her wrong move you're dead that girl is poisonbig butt and a smile
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can we do one more? >> killer, killer. hey, killer. >> jimmy: that was fantastic. come on, pal. >> killer. never trust a big butt and a a smile.'s my partner. here we go. here we go. and yeah. >> come on. >> jimmy: congratulations. someone? >> cool. me and you. [ cheers and applause ] never trust a big butt and a a smile. what are we doing?right, what's the song? what song are we doing? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] going to pass on this one. >> jimmy: you can't pass on this one. >> you do high.ss part. there's a boy i knowaming look into my eyes take me
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how will i know don't trust your feelings how will i know will i know how will i know if she -- >> jimmy: give it up, everybody, right here. that's all the time we have for "spin the microphone."erry, abbi jacobson, ilana glazer. stick around. we'll be right back with wagner moura, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the microsoft cloud allows us to access information from anywhere.d allows us to scale up. microsoft cloud changes our world dramatically. it wasn't too long ago it would take two weeks to sequence
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nd applause ] >> jimmy: oh, you guys ready for our next guest? [ cheers and applause ]ne time? can i get a two times? our next guest recently earned a golden globe nomination for blo escobar in
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series "narcos." which currently airs on netflix. , please welcome wagner moura! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wagner. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: wagner. thank you so much for being on the show. >> dude, you kidding me? so good to be here. [ light laughter ]: i'm glad, i'm happy that you're happy to be here. this is great. yeah.s that acting? >> no, no. >> jimmy: oh, ok. for a second, i thought you went to a dark place. >> jesus christ, no. no, no. >> jimmy: this is good. everything's cool.. >> jimmy: now, i know -- you still, do you live in brazil? >> i do. i live in rio. have you been there?
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>> thank you.pplause ] from -- >> brazilians nearby? >> jimmy: we only allow two [ laughter ] >> i know. >> jimmy: nbc thing, sorry. the olympics, yeah. here you are now. on your way, you went to las vegas for the first time. >> yeah.now for the first time, what was the experience like? did you enjoy it, was it odd? >> i didn't understand it. >> jimmy: no. >> i'm still like trying to figure it out.ly different. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> i tried to gamble a little, but i just didn't understand the rules.gamble. they don't have gambling in brazil? >> it's forbidden. >> jimmy: it's forbidden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, i didn't know that. >> it is.d the macarena. [ laughter ] the forbidden dance. you did the forbidden dance. >> i did a forbidden thing.for me. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> the easiest one was the ? the 21. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess so. >> and i didn't understand. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you didn't
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>> i tried, and my friends, lp me out, because i just couldn't. you have these things you have to do with your hand, like this and this. [ laughter ]don't wave. no one waves. >> and i was trying to be cool. >> jimmy: like driving. >> it didn't work really well.e thing." >> jimmy: waving. yeah. you lost money. >> i lost 60 bucks. [ laughter ]>> jimmy: no, no, no. in america -- no, no, no. in america, that's an appetizer. in america, that's an amuse-bouche.ot even gambling there. >> i didn't want to go further. >> jimmy: you go with the amount of money you want to lose. but i did something really cool there. because i've been -- i'm married, but i never got married. i have been living with my wife for 15 years. >> jimmy: yeah.ee kids. and we never got married like properly. >> jimmy: oh.
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is -- >> jimmy: bad idea. this is a bad idea. this is an awful idea. >> so, i thought, they said it's kinda cool there, the elvis presley thing -- >> jimmy: please. oh, no. i want to talk to your wife. >> so i proposed. >> jimmy: you proposed to your wife? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did she say yes? >> no. >> jimmy: she said, "no." >> she said "no." she said, "are you ridiculous? don't "-- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're not having elvis marry us.nking?" yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, good. all right. well at least you got it out of the way. you proposed and she said "no." >> she said "no."hat's perfect. yeah, so at least you have a a good relationship. you have it figured out. [ laughter ] if you don't wanna get married. >> she said "no," yeah.py -- >> she refused. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, it happens. look, sometimes you have a a match, and sometimes you're married for 15 years and not really married.. >> that's what i think, too. >> jimmy: i want to talk about "narcos," because, congrats on the golden globe nomination. >> thank you. >> jimmy: of course you're nated.
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it's so great. you're so great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i wasn't familiar with you as an actor, which i should have been, but i -- we channels in the united states. [ light laughter ] in my household, but i watched this thing, and as soon as i saw you, i go, "who is this guy?"ble. you must always speak spanish. >> it was the craziest thing, because the first idea was to english. and i thought that i could speak english with an accent. i could do that.u get -- it's hard, yeah. yeah, how did that cast you? >> i think this is the most, i mean, this is a big case of miscasting.: yeah, it is, yeah. >> one of the biggest miscastings. >> jimmy: i totally disagree. you did not know how to speak spanish? >> i was super skinny.nds lighter. and i didn't speak a word of spanish. so when they decided to do it, se guys are
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>> jimmy: you're playing pablo escobar.ok like that guy. you can't have a new character, "hi, i'm pablo escobar, and how's it going? [ laughter and applause ]ine? [ laughter ] what's going on?"l person. >> what i did is i flew myself, etflix didn't even know i was being considered to play the part. but i flew myself to medellin, to colombia in order to learn spanish.the university, in a spanish course for foreigners. so i was in a class with japanese teenagers. [ light laughter ]crazy is that. how much weight did you gain? >> 40 pounds. >> jimmy: wow. >> which it's like being in learning things and eating [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wagner moura, everybody. season one of "narcos" is currently available on netflix.forms stand-up for us next. stick around, everybody.
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everybody.-- i've been corrected. i'm sorry. the macarena is not the forbidden dance. [ laughter ]as thinking about. this is -- but this, however, is forbidden in my house. [ laughter ] not allowed to do it. out next week. donald trump, kevin hart, danny devito, hillary clinton, and ray romano will all be here on our show.pplause ] so please join us. we're joined right now by a a very funny comedian.can see her performing at the mohegan sun in connecticut. please welcome back to the show iliza shlesinger, everybody. lause ] >> thank you. thank you.rd time on "the tonight show." and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ]was here, i told you all the legend of the party goblin. and for those of you that don't
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the back of your brain. and she is responsible for all the poor decisions you make when you're drunk. [ light laughter ]back there like, eat that sandwich out of the garbage. [ laughter ] text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off.know it's your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. i drank so much the other night, i slept for 15 hours.lmost died. [ laughter ] like, there was a point at was like, should i just go? [ laughter ]t's your party goblin that got you when you wake up the next morning and the first thing out of your mouth is, "oh, my god. i'm sorry."ow you know. [ laughter ] i talk a lot about drinking. that's because my generation drinks a lot. we are a generation of drinkers [ cheers ] yes. we're the millennials.es.
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[ cheers and applause ] great. good job, guys. we're entitled. we're lazy, right? i don't want to be an intern. blog from a toilet. [ laughter ] and make a lot of money doing it. but the truth is, we inherited this situation from our they started this wave of entitlement. here's a history lesson. so your grandparents had to fight in a war. okay. they had no choice. it's not like today where people are allowed to be disenfranchised. such a good job of defending us, if you don't like the war going on right now, unlike it on facebook. [ laughter ]choice. they were drafted. they were straight up drizafted. when your grandpa came home from cracking skulls in ed to do was live the american dream. all your grandpa wanted to do family, be like a little racist, and live the american dream. [ laughter ] it's not like -- they came home, they got -- they came to work. it's not like us. no one's grandpa came home and
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backpack around oregon and find myself. applause ] no one's grandma came home from helping on the front lines and was just like, i just wanna make jewelry and be a mermaid. [ laughter ]e lack -- snuck up on me. i think that we lack the mental preciate what they contributed because now they're old. right? and we look at them and we think they're cute. ny, shrinking, ever year, pick em up, put it on, they don't like it, right? and the whiter you are, the ce there is that you've assigned like a weird kitten like nickname to your grandfather. [ laughter ] not just grandpa anymore. it's like this is my nim-nam. [ laughter and applause ]pers. this is my pip-pop. oh, my god, you guys, double tap. he's so cute. aw. sometimes at christmas when pip-pop falls asleep, we like istmas bows. [ laughter ]
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pip-pop got 53 confirmed kills. [ laughter ]e ] show some respect to pip-pop. a strong generation. our generation is not strong. and women get the garbage end of the stick because we're not even physically strong.rength that counts when it comes to defending yourself. women aren't even physically strong. we're only physically strong comes to child birth. and it's really not useful the rest of your life. like it's insane the fact i could, if i chose, push a small human being through my vagina. [ laughter ] upper body strength to execute 20 proper push-ups. that's insane. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] women have to be strong because we put up with a lot. it's hard to be a girl. i haven't been a guy in like a a while. [ laughter ]tand a lot of criticism.
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no matter how smart you are, or man, our looks are always the topic of discussion, our bodies. i can only think from the perspective of an upper middle ut being thin has been expected of us for way too long. being gaunt to the point of extinction. being the kind of thin where e, what up, bitches, find me, right? [ laughter ] it's hard. it wasn't until the last 30 years that women of color thnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable to have the body of a grown woman. jennifer lopez came on to the ide of a a brontosaurus. que paso? [ laughter ] [ applause ] white women we'll take it. you can criticize us. black women have an unshakable sense of self esteem. can tell her anything you don't like about her, she won't believe you. we'll take it as white girls. they're like, i don't like your hair.it chad? please don't get out of the kayak. tell a sister that you don't like something about her.
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[ laughter ] she won't buy it. be like, i don't like your jeans. she'll be like, bull[ bleep ], [ laughter ] thank you so much. e ]my gosh. iliza shlesinger right there. [ cheers and applause ] come on. february 5th. rybody. hit a homerun pal.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, i love that. my thanks to tyler perry, ilana glazer, abbi jacobson, wagner moura, iliza shlesinger, dy. [ cheers and applause ] phenomenal. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen.e ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week.
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