tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC March 17, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EDT
clive owen, nia vardalos, comedian jimmy carr, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 435, salt lake! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, welcome! i love you! oh, oh! i love ya! welcome to "the tonight show"! [ cheers ] i'm your host, jimmy fallon
[ cheers and applause ] it is st. patrick's day, everybody. [ cheers ] that's right. i just want to take a moment and thank all of you at home for passing out with your tv on nbc. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] so much. it means a lot to me. but really i'd like to wish everybody a happy st. patrick's day, which means if you're irish, raise a glass and if you're not irish, raise a glass anyway. >> tariq: jimmy. can we wish everyone a happy st. paddy's day, too? >> jimmy: yeah. sure, tariq. yeah, sure. >> tariq: can we do it in an irish accent? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i would be disappointed if you didn't. [ laughter ] >> tariq: okay. [ clears throat ] [ in irish accent ] happy st. paddy's day! [ laughter ] >> may the luck of the irish be with ya. >> may you never pee into the
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't think that's something people say on st. patrick's day, mark. >> well then, would you prefer to be telling folks to pee into the wind? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, but why don't you just forget about going to the bathroom and just wish everyone a happy st. patrick's day? >> fine. happy st. patrick's day -- [ cheers ] and don't forget if it's windy out there -- [ laughter ] and you've had too much to drink and you need to relieve yourself, just turn your body away from the wind. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm not going to bother. what about you, james? you're obviously excited about st. patrick's day. [ laughter ] >> st. patrick's day? [ cheers ] >> jimmy: you didn't know it was -- yeah, i guess you didn't know it was st. patrick's day. [ laughter ] he's so -- >> steve: he just wore that. he just wore that to work and went, "oh, wow, it's
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've never seen anyone so happy to do that comedy bit. >> steve: look how happy he is. >> jimmy: he's so happy to do that bit. >> steve: that's my christmas card. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, james. let's get to the -- let's get to some politics here. let me have that little hat. let me see that little hat. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aw. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: irish. >> jimmy: let's get serious for a second. [ light laughter ] get to some politics here. [ light laughter ] no one's gonna take me seriously at this point. why should they? i'm a comedian anyway. yeah, they shouldn't take me serious. >> steve: more fun with a tiny hat. >> jimmy: thank you. #tinyhat. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: this isn't good, you guys, the hacking group anonymous has apparently declared war against
[ scattered cheers ] of course, hacking him shouldn't be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] "truuuuump." as it becomes more and more inevitable that trump will be the republican nominee, people have been wondering who donald trump's foreign policy advisers are going to be. well, he finally told us where he's getting his information from yesterday. take a look. >> who are you consulting with consistently so that you're ready on day one? >> i'm speaking with myself, number one. [ laughter ] because i have a very good brain and i've said a lot of things. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good brain. i've said a lot of things. yep. seriously? that answer wouldn't even work at a job interview at wendy's. [ laughter ] "got a good brain. i talk a lot. so --" [ laughter ] his main consultant is himself. people were like, "is that really a good idea?"what do you think, donald?"
[ laughter ]yuge." trump said "i'm speaking with myself, because i have a very good brain and i've said a lot of things."etty crazy, but we actually have the technology to actually look inside his brain. it's fascinating to see how it works. take a look at this. to my hands -- if they're small, something else must be small. i guarantee you there's no i guarantee you. [ laughter ] >> why isn't it working? >> let me try! >> let me do it. get out of here! >> jimmy: that's perfect. [ applause ]see this? ted cruz was just featured in "us weekly"'s "25 things you didn't know about me" column. yeah. and on the list, he revealed he n octopus at the beach and got terribly ill. [ light laughter ] then the octopus said, "yeah to recover, too." [ laughter and applause ] lose-lose situation. cruz also revealed that in high school he was in "the sound of music" twice and that he can quote
bride."er ] a whole bunch of interesting check these out. first up, as a child his family moved six different times, but he kept finding them. [ laughter and applause ]rseverance. >> jimmy: perseverance. next, in high school he went to prom with the lunch lady.ght she friends. [ applause ] i didn't know that. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i didn't know that i didn't know that about him. >> steve: learned something sounds like a fun dude. check this out. after that he said he microwaves cod in the office break room, just because he likes the smell. [ applause ] >> steve: wow. jimmy: next up, he was so cool in high school at lunch the other students gave him a a table all to himself. [ applause ] >> steve: oh. l he was. and finally, he used to have an imaginary friend until it ran off with his imaginary girlfriend. [ laughter ]esting things. 25 of those things. >> steve: 25 of them. each one more interesting than the next. >> jimmy: yeah. get this.h, fresh off his win in the ohio primary, said that if you can't
president.washington said, "what the hell is ohio?" [ laughter and applause ] other big news this week, president obama's nomination of merrick garland for the supreme court. i read that some people are criticizing obama for nominating a white, moderate the supreme court, saying it lacks diversity. then the president said, "i'll try to do more to promote isn't the first black president of the united states!" [ cheers and applause ] for eight years! oh, oh! here's some news from overseas. apparently a british professor just won a $700,000 prize for so equation. apparently the answer was, it takes three licks. >> steve: really?
[ laughter ]mazon just filed a patent for technology that allows customers to pay by selfie. where customers can verify purchases by taking a selfie.ed news, the kardashians just went bankrupt. [ laughter ] we have a great show! give it up for the roots, everybody! lause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, fantastic crowd. mood. happy st. patrick's day, everybody. good to see you, higgins. we had a great week so far. there's more ahead. krasinski will be here. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to play a game of "word sneak", so be sure to tune in for that.rself, melissa benoist will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] and we've gomike posner. that's tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] what does he sing?iza"? >> steve: in ibiza, yeah. >> jimmy: "i took a pill in
that's great.great show tonight. he's a fantastic actor. i just love the guy, man. you can see him in the new movie, "the confirmation." show. [ cheers and applause ] we love clive owen.us, from the highly-anticipated sequel, "my big fat greek wedding 2", the very funny nia vardalos is here! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ]: and one of my favorite stand-ups. we have stand-up from comedian jimmy carr is on the show tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he's fantastic.'s time for "tonight show" hash tags. here we go. hashtags >> jimmy: hey! you guys are on twitter, right? are you on twitter? [ cheers ] fun. we use twitter on our show every single week. so if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday
things based on that topic. so since president obama an as his pick for the supreme court this week, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called #dontjudgeme. don't judge me. yeah.ys to tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing that you're not ashamed to admit. we got thousands of tweets. was a a trending topic in the u.s. [ cheers and applause ] so thank you for the tweets. now i thought i'd share some of tweets from you guys. here we go. the first one's from @kittykat88. [ light laughter ]: they're already judging. >> jimmy: they're already judging, yeah. she says, "sometimes when i'm sick of doing laundry i just fold my husband's dirty clothes [ laughter and applause ] that's his problem. >> steve: yeah. you want them clean, you would have donimmy: exactly. he says, "i alternate between two different mcdonald's for lunch so the employees don't think i eat there every day."use ]
>> jimmy: hey, tiger!a cute one. it's from @josieabowen.d and i sometimes wake up our one-year-old daughter in the middle of the night because we miss her." [ audience aws ] >> steve: yeah. i would do that. >> jimmy: that's cute. yeah, but they could --irst one, yeah. >> jimmy: they need their sleep. >> steve: they don't need to sleep that bad. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] they are cute when they're one year old. in the air. [ laughter ] >> steve: little, sleeping like that. wake up! wake up! i do that with my 16-year-old. >> jimmy: that's how you wake up your baby? >> steve: yeah. wake up! [ laughter ]e in one hand, scotch in the other. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: fireworks. >> steve: fireworks under my arm. >> jimmy: those little snaps. >> steve: those snap things. around the crib. >> steve: you'll learn! [ laughter ]rthquake! i'm just testing you. >> jimmy: i'm just testing you, to see if you're ready. >> steve: i'm one year old. one's from @passthepino. >> steve: yeah.
81-year-old mother that fferent internet so she stopped emailing me cat pictures." [ laughter ] that's mean, that's mean.'s mean. >> jimmy: waking up the kid, that's -- >> steve: yeah, come on. that's kind of pino-ish. [ laughter ] >> j @sammyjaner. she says, "i shake my step counter every evening to make it look like i beat my target." "ah, looks like i took, uh -- [ laughter ] oh, 10,000 steps, honey!" [ laughter ] >> steve: don't, don't. don't say anything! shut it! shut it! nothing. move on.er ]old is your son again? >> he's 16. >> jimmy: 16? yeah. how many steps has -- >> steve: he gets about
[ laughter ] applause ] ust walk a lot. >> steve: yeah, he walks a lot. [ laughter ] in his room. >> jimmy: yeah, interesting. >> steve: laps.. >> steve: laps. >> jimmy: this one -- [ laughter ] >> steve: he doesn't really. one's from @djjazzyjen. she says, "my kids make fun of me because we were talking about an internet meme and i pronounced it 'may may.'" [ laughter ]e grumpy cat may may? [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, yeah. watch me whip. >> jimmy: watch me may may.grumpy cat and total may may [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one's from @ultrafaring13. he says, "i told my kids that cy so i didn't have to share it." that is horrible! but it's smart.ffiemurrow. she says, "i keep a fork in my purse just in case cake happens." [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah, come on! [ applause ]: that's the best one
that is a t-shirt. steffie murrow should make a teve: cake happens. >> jimmy: cake happens, dude. >> jimmy: this last one here is from @miaf. she said, "i had a steve harvey birthday party for my 15th birthday.pictures." >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: i love that! i want to have a steve harvey birthday party. i love steve harvey! there you have it. thos show" hashtags. [ cheers ] to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. stick around, we'll be right back with more of "the dy! [ cheers and applause ] (boy) ma, pa - why do we settle for cable? (mom) because we're settlers and that's what we do. (girl) but with directv and at&t,ur tv and wireless service from one provider. (dad) are not we your providers? do we not provide you wi pie?
and a sii every harvest moon? (vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward cardirectv. how do they make starburst taked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. can't get unlimited data for your family? don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! get three lines of unlimited 4g each, and get a fourth line, free! only at t-mobile. hello! who? these dresses are fantastic. they're old navy. thanks. old navy?!e oh i have to go,
suggestions for the show. they're always great. with you right now. these are real letters from real kids, we do not make this up. omes from rhiannon. she's in fourth grade, she my name is rhiannon from the stevie nicks song. [ laughter ] my mom and i love to watch your show and the roots are awesome! [ cheers and applause ] my mom -- my mom thinks you're adorable. she's 49 and wants to be your cougar. whatever that means." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: whatever that means. >> steve: whatever that means. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll let your mom explain that to you, rhiannon. >> steve: rhiannon. >> jimmy: "even though my mom thinks you're adorable, she having a cocktail with james." >> steve: ow! [ laughter ]e ] >> jimmy: this one is -- next one is from caroline, she's six jimmy.
on your show. please? p.s., you're so funny. p.s., guess what, chicken butt. [ laughter ] my mom and dad love you."ess why, chicken pot pie. [ laughter ] this one is from trevor, he's eight years old. my man trevor.jimmy, my sister christie got married. at the wedding they had a photo booth.funny glasses and a hat for his whenever we show anyone the picture, they think it's you. [ laughter ] your pal trevor." he included the picture, let's take a look at it. [ laughter ] and applause ]off. i understand.nt to see my face. good for you, trevor. thank you.
age nine. "i think that jimmy should do a a segment completely focused on jokes written by kids. i don't know how it would work there's some great jokes. here are some of them." and she -- she sent a few example jokes with photos and everything. they're really funny. [ laughter ]st one. "if you go to the ham contest, what will the man say?" answer, "youare not allowed." [ laughter and applause ]? >> jimmy: here's the next one. "what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? [ laughter ] here's another.all a tiger with glasses on? a scientist tiger." this is making me laugh. the last one is my favorite. "guess how many snakes there are?
[ laughter ] thank you for the jokes. katie, you got a career. yeah. >> steve: arthur -- >> jimmy: come right to show, yeah. 13 snakes.e ] i get it. >> steve: how many? >> jimmy: i get it. last one is from mazy, age seven -- she's seven and a half r, fallon." [ laughter ]llies from high school. yeah. [ laughter ] "i really like your show, well my mom does, but she lets me watch you on youtube. you are very funny, but i really like the roots because they play music.riter. i thought it would be an honor if the roots would play one of my songs. here's my best song." let me read cs, here. "i know you think i'm crazy but you are wrong. i know you think i'm sad or mad but you are wrong. you're here, i'm not mad or sad that you're back. but you are wroooooi meang." [ laughter ] hold that -- you know what, macy, today is your lucky day. the roots liked your song so much, they put music t the world premiere of "i know you think i'm crazy."
from mazy and the roots. guys?pplause ] i'm crazy but you are wrong but you are wrong i'm glad you're here i'm not mad or sad but you're back i'm crazy but you >> jimmy: that's it. [ cheers and applause ] that's all the time we have for kid letters. thank you to all theletters. if you want to see yours on the show, email them to email@example.com right back with clive owen, everybody.
we got another one. i have an orc-o-gram for an "owen." that's me.hire stacy drew. she wants to change the world with you. she can program jet engines to talk and such. her biggest weakness is she cares too much. thank you.d really wants a job at ge. mine too. i'm a wise elf from a far off shire. and sanjay patel is who you should hire. thank you.riously though, stacy went to a great school and she's really loyal. you should give her a shot.
award winning actor. he stars in the new movie, "the in select theaters and on demand this friday. everyone, please welcome clive owen!nd applause ] >> jimmy: good god. come on they love you. clive owen. [ laughter ] thank you for being here. >> raging.pplause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming back to the show. >> appreciate it. >> jimmy: i'd like you know i love having you here. a happy st. patrick's day. >> oh, look at this. >> jimmy: there you go. yeah, yeah, yeah. cheers. this freshly -- >> oh, looks like a good pint. >> jimmy: a freshly poured >> i thought we'd do the show and then go for a pint. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, we just do during the show now. yeah. >> cheers. >> jimmy: why not.o cares. >> you want? >> jimmy: no, no. stop. [ laughter ] i have more of the show to do. yeah, yeah. or else, yeah. or else, i'd take you on. guinness is your jam, right? >> i love guinness. >> jimmy: is it well done?
tasty. that's a very good guinness. >> jimmy: it's a good guinness. uinness. >> jimmy: do you really -- do you know your stuff? >> i do, yeah. >> jimmy: right, cause -- >> wherever i shoot around the world, i always try and find the bar that has the best guinness. >> jimmy: have you ever --ness. >> jimmy: you must have been to ireland. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, have you had the best guinness in ireland? >> i was told to go to a pub nes, which is reputedly to have the best guinness in dublin. and i was standing there with a a friend, and suddenly two pints came over, and the guy said they're from this woman came over and she was head of pr for guinness.you obviously know your guinness, because this is one of the best pints in dublin. >> jimmy: is that right? >> so i said to her, what makes ness? you know. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> and then -- >> jimmy: that's opening up a a can of worms. >> there is a lot of things. of things, yeah. >> it's a lot of things. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i've been taught. >> it seems like the most important thing is the turnover.ot of pints. if it sits in the barrel for too long, that's not good. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but also, if you clean the glasses in the same thing you clean the food plates, that's not good. >> jimmy: oh, is that right? hat
how often they clean the pipes -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's a whole science. >> jimmy: yeah, and it's in the shape of the glass.plete science. >> but this is good truth. >> jimmy: then there's the pull and then there's -- >> not having anymore? no? >> jimmy: of course. [ laughter ]ter we show you a clip, we'll come back and it'll be empty. >> it's some personal -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and then -- [ talking over each other ] mustaches, yeah. yeah, yeah. but ireland is where you and -- where you met your wife? r wife? >> actually, well, no, it's not where i met her. we -- we did a european tour of "romeo and juliet" actually, and we did it for seven months, ind of fell for each other. but it was a little strange because it was --as if romeo and juliet get together, and then it goes a little strange or pear-shaped, the rest of little weird. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, romeo and ke each other. but either way. yeah, you guys get the idea of this play. >> so, but about halfway through, yeah.elfast. >> jimmy: belfast, yeah. now how many years have you been married?
good for you, buddy. [ cheers and. i'll drink to that. >> jimmy: cheers to that. i'll drink to that.ebody here you said your daughter, hannah, watches my show every morning. >> every morning. >> jimmy: yeah, and i -- n. >> jimmy: and i said -- >> they're both going to college, so things she does, she gets and watches the show from the night before. >> jimmy: and i said hi, hannah. >> and eve as well? >> jimmy: an yeah. i don't forget eve. sorry, eve. eve, please. eve, thanks for -- we have a a relationship that she goes without saying. she gets a hi fr hi. yeah. [ laughter ] but -- but did they watch? >> they did watch, yeah.led. and also i think a friend, because i mentioned ethan, her friend as well. so he >> jimmy: hi, ethan. [ laughter ] now this is getting ridiculous. you have -- i have to honor 29 kids. [ laughter ]inking of kids, i'm psyched, i'm happy that they watch the show. and they see it on the internet? >> yeah, they love it. yeah. >> jimmy: oh, that's it. come on, that's awesome.- you're a cool dad, right? you're like mister -- you're clive owen.
ve you. >> no, i've got very low status in my house. [ laughter ] i'm you know, very low status. i'm not -- i'm not cool to them at all.ly? >> no, of course not. >> jimmy: well, this is -- i mean you could be, you're on "the tonight show." >> i mean i'm cool if i could get to you say hi to them during the show. -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. no, you know, come on, please. do you embarrass them at all? wouldn't they understand? yeah. i've embarrassed them lots of times. i think one of the things that we often laugh about is i took a huge liverpool fan, football. and i took them to -- i think it was their first game. and it was against fulham, and we were guests of the fulham hierarchy.e and they started chanting for liverpool and i'm like, guys, guys, keep it down. we're guests of the other team. don't keep shouting for liverpool like that.important game towards the end of the season where we were going for the and then last minute of the game, we scored and i went crazy. [ laughter ]tinctively jumped up, shouted. at one point, i was like -- >> jimmy: take your shirt off.
embarrassing." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dad, you're the worst. [ laughter ]f you're a movie star. eww, get out of here! [ cheers and applause ] clear a doughnut, dad! eat some doughnuts. [ laughter ] good -- you're a a stud, you're a movie star. "the confirmation," you play a a carpenter in this film. s in real life? >> not at all, no. >> jimmy: no. me, too. >> terrible, terrible, terrible. >> jimmy: i like the toolbox you have. >> yeah?ve a truck and i forgot -- i keep thinking what i need for my truck and i want one of those plastic toolboxes in the back. even though i have nothing to hter ] but it's a good gift for if anyone's looking to buy me a a gift. [ laughter ]plastic containers where they keep the -- you lock them up and then you got a secret little cubbyhole. >> the old beautiful wood tool kit is just a box --no. the plastic one -- [ laughter ] the box that gets stolen in the movie. i don't care about that.ic thing that --
that.eah, i'm a a man, dude. [ laughter ] i got tools in the back of my truck. that's awesome. yeah.nt one of those things. i just -- after watching the movie, i'm like, "that's what i need. for my next thing." i don't need anything, but i do need that. yeah, that's --y movie. the kid who plays your son. >> he's amazing. >> jimmy: that kid is charming. >> that kid is unbelievably good. >> jimmy: what's his name? >> jaeden lieberher.of the best times with this kid. i mean -- >> jimmy: it looked like fun. >> he's a freak of nature. he's already -- no, he is. fully formed. 11 when we made the film, and every day was a joy. because the kid is unbelievably good.ly. 13 and how many steps does he do a day? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we have a clip, herehe confirmation." take a look at this. >> that sounds better. sounds pretty good. >> it does sound pretty good. let's go find my tools. ike
you feel kicked to the curb you feel beat to the ground bleep ] >> where'd the brakes go? [ horn honking ] >> oh, yeah.. [ horn honking ]got. mom said the brakes were starting to go out., oops. oops, i forgot to mention that. clive owen, "the confirmation" opens in select theaters and on break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60
that's right. just announced.rer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable.s america's best but hurry, 0% financing for 60 monthsmited time offer. see your ford dealer today. raspberry. made with the perfect balance of raspberry ice cream, luscious raspberry sauce, and belgian chocolate.m chocolate pleasure. ho is that? hello! who? these dresses are fantastic. they're old navy. thanks. old navy?! 40% off. oh i have to go, to old navy right now. mple: always. our lunch and dinner hours: same. our value menu is
romantic comedy of all time. [ cheers and applause ]now she's bringing us the eagerly awaited sequel, "my big fat greek wedding 2," which really made me laugh. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lovely, the talented nia vardalos! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is a white wedding. hi, you look gorgeous. >> hi! >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. e i don't know how much time we have to talk to you. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'm a big fan of yours. but i want you to tell the rue mcclanahan story. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: you know what i'm talking about? >> okay, sure. >> jimmy: yeah.re doing -- there was a one person, one-woman show. >> i had written an screenplay to "my big fat greek wedding", and i couldn't get it read, pped me. she told me i wasn't pretty enough to be a leading lady.
a character actress. like she didn't say, you're not she said you're not fat enough. thank you! thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they just made --jumped up on stage and a one-person show. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and john ratzenberger from "cheers" came. and i was so excited she was in the audience. girl in the audience. >> totally. so cool. so her assistant came up to me and she said, "rue would like to have you over for dinner." she said "can i have your number?" poster. that's the number you called if it was our home phone number. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. because i'm not cool.ing there and my husband ian is a new yorker. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm from canada.ive and understand -- i was like, i believe rue mcclanahan wants to have us over. we're driving over there and ian, the new yorker, is like "why are we going there?" [ light laughter ]mcclanahan saw my show and she wants to have us for dinner." so, the assistant had called me and they wanted to do a whole greek dinner.
everything. so we get there, the assistant rue and like susan rattan and people were out, estelle getty were out on the patio having drinks and i was like, "oh, my god. i'm so excited to walk out there.takes my arm, takes me to the kitchen and there's all of these ingredients set out and she goes "okay, here's the greek ingredients, start cooking." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ]er ] >> jimmy: that's my favorite story. it's so funny. what's your husband --n't want to look at my husband, because i could feel his hot eyes boring into the side of my face. [ light laughter ]right, and opening up the phyllo pastry like, "first you butter it." [ laughter ] i was just like "oh, my god." >> jimmy: do a demo. >> so, i make the dinner.i meet the people. they come in, they have dinner. nobody is talking to us. it's just awkward and quiet. and like, this is weird. ian's looking. so i finally thought, we should go. we stood up and we said, "having us, i guess we're going to go" and i guess rue mcclanahan, i felt she must have sensed something
because as we walked to the -- "wait, wait, wait, can you give estelle getty a ride home?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the best part of the story.gets in the back of your car? >> no, she gets to the front seat. estelle getty is in the front seat and i'm in the back, just like, "oh, my god." and i don't want to look at ian. this, "i don't get it, are you a chef?" she's saying to me in the back seat. and i was like "no, estelle getty, i'm an actor and i have a greek show." and you cook in it. laughter ] >> jimmy: the best thing is you gave estelle getty a ride home. >> the best. >> jimmy: that's my favorite story, ever.dding" is the highest-grossing romantic comedy of all time. did you know that? [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. l done. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: and it's so funny. [ cheers and applause ]one can't wait for it. it's super funny. there's so many bits, and they just really to show a clip. here's nia vardalos in "my big fat greek wedding 2." take a look at this. aughter started to pull away, i should
too close.unteering at her i wanted her to think i was cool again. >> oh! >> then i remembered -- i've never been cool. >> here comes the principal. my husband has always been cool. he just has it. and he always knows the perfect >> you okay, babe? >> uh-huh. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> jimmy: just coming in. >> wind. yeah.got the beyonce wind machine. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's got to be psyched. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i asked, we normally never show two clips from a a movie.ked for this clip. because gosh, it really made me laugh. it's you being very funny. you're a very funny physical comedienne.a vardalos at a doctor's, waiting. just watch.
>> you know what, guys? suck the chocolate off those nuts. [ light laughter ]e ] >> jimmy: that just made me laugh. oh, my gosh. >> thank you. >> jimmy: well done. that was really well done. fat greek wedding 2"! [ cheers and applause ] opens march 25th.with jimmy carr! stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we got another one. i have an orc-o-gram for an "owen." that's me. you should hire stacy drew. she wants to change the world with you. gram jet engines to talk and such. her biggest weakness is she cares too much. thank you. my friend re mine too. i'm a wise elf from a far off shire. and sanjay patel is who you
thank you.y though, stacy went to a great school and she's really loyal. you should give her a shot. sanjay's a team player and uh... windows spotless and clear! go see my big fat greek wedding 2 and learn how to use windex the right way on weird stuff! not on windows!ets? i do! i'm okay! y... what beer we drinkin'? i don't know boss... what about that redd's apple ale? you're a genius, tiny! the bee's knees.
in the kisser! emm. also in strawberry and green apple. cloud allows us to access information from anywhere. the microsoft cloud allows us to scale up. microsoft cloud changes our world dramatically. it wasn't too long ago it would take two weeks to sequencegenome. now, we can do a hundred per day. with the microsoft cloud we don't haver rooms. the microsoft cloud is and re-interpret our business.loud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. dove men+care. like leather, skin is stronger when it's hydrated. that's why dove men+care bodywash has a unique hydrating
ladies and gentlemen. hello, i'm jimmy carr, i should this because my dad is irish and my mum is roger federer. [ light laughter ]nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thin my pen." [ laughter and applause ]mine said, "what rhymes with orange?" i said, "no, it doesn't." [ laughter ]o a proper showbiz party recently and brad pitt was there.eet your heroes, but i think brad handled it really well. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]ooding. flooding is pretty bad. there's been terrible flooding
i was watching the news, i saw news in her flooded kitchen, crying. [ light laughter ] i couldn't help but think -- g. [ laughter and applause ]ou're making matters worse. [ light laughter ] last time we had a white christmas, i made snow angels.d on the ice and took out three pedestrians. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ]okes. [ light laughter ] that's a bad example. that last one happened. but most of them are just jokes. [ laughter ]to a north african girl in her native language for hours. we just clicked. applause ] anthropology jokes, everyone. some comics lie to an audience.y recently broke up with a girl, that she left for another guy. it's a total lie.
is to elicit sympathy from ale audience members, so then after the show they can get talking to them. they've got the sympathy in, and they can try and pick them eep with them. rest assured, i would never do that, because i think it would be disrespectful to the memory ughter and applause ] be held. my girlfriend and i recently had a proper conversation about pornography.e her sentiment. she said to me, she said, "i don't get porn. i've never got porn. why would i want have sex?" i said, "two? [ laughter ] [ light laughter ] you lost me.described, ladies and gentlemen, as a sex symbol. and that symbol is a question mark. [ light laughter ]
when a man changes his facebook status from "single" to "in a a relationship," i think it nder new management." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]don't like spending too much time with my girlfriend's family, because her husband is getting suspicious. [ light laughter ]ung women make a a lot of noise in the bedroom. i guess they're not expecting to see anyone at their window. [ laughter ] i was in bed with a girl recently, and she said to me, she said, "i want tonight to be magical." and it was. after we had sex, i disappeared. applause ]stion for everyone in here. who here has had bad sex?ng it because
[ laughter ]ing you can get, gentlemen, if you have or you perceive that you have a small penis. it's called an audi convertible. [ light laughter ]ve you got an audi convertible there, sir? [ light laughter ] have you? you haven't? she just gave you a look like someth to you. [ light laughter ] and you're saying it definitely wasn't the car. [ light laughter ]ionally get me into trouble. i got stopped speeding recently and the officer came to the window of my car, as they do, do you know how fast you were going?" and i said, "i'm sorry, it was clearly too fast, my apologies." [ light laughter ] [ applause ] common superstition in the world today is the belief
and there's a name for people scopes. they're called single women. [ light laughter ]se ] well that's all i got time for. thank you very much indeed. cheers, good night. thank you.e ] >> jimmy: oh! jimmy carr! [ cheers and applause ] jimmy carr!ycarr.com for upcoming u.s. standup dates. we'll be right back, everybody.
[ cheers and applause ] clive owen, nia vardalos, jimmy carr once again, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]nk you so much. give it up for the roots, right there, everybody, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers."ng. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow.
cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- garner. from "silicon valley," actor and comedian thomas middleditch. star of nbc's "heartbeat," melissa george.8g band with matt cameron. [ cheers and applause ], seth meyers! >> seth: good evening i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. in that case, let's get to the news. today is st. patrick's day, which commemorates the time when st. patrick drove all the drunksd into