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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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with cleto and the cletones. and now, you may or may not know, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you to all of you for coming to visit us here. in beautiful hollywood, california, where awards season is upon us. the academy awards aren't until next month but there is a major controversy. this year for the second year in a row all the acting nominees are white. some of them are very white, like -- some of them are like
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and so jada pinkett smith made a video complaining about this, spike lee wrote a lengthy facebook post. even the usually mellow snoop dogg is upset. >> i'm not going to watch the [ bleep ]ing oscars. no, why do i watch that [ bleep ] for. it ain't got no [ bleep ] nominated. all the great [ bleep ] stealing from us, [ bleep ] you, [ bleep ] you. >> jimmy: he doesn't mean us. he means them. you is them. he likes us. still upset about getting you know? for that. so anyway. so there's a lot of anger directed at the academy right now whose fault is this? is this the academy's fault, actors? is it hollywood's fault for not giving them enough roles to warrant more consideration? [ laughter ] it -- [ cheers and applause ] -- is on him. to get a sense of what's going on with all this we have academy of motion picture arts and
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bloom with us to talk about the controversy via satellite. hi, there, stewart. first of all, thank you for joining us. >> thank you for having me, jimmy. >> jimmy: i know this is a big issue for you. something you take very seriously. what will the academy do now? what action will it take and which action is it taking? >> well, our plan is to make this right. not just in the future, now. >> jimmy: how will you do it now, how will you make it right now? >> well, we're modifying many of the oscar nominated films to be more inclusive. >> jimmy: what does that mean, modifying? >> well, for instance, "the big short" nominated for best picture is being changed "to the big shouty." >> jimmy: i think you mean shawty, right? >> shawty, yes. it's like the song "buy you a drink shawty." >> jimmy: yeah. is that little bow-wow? that is little bow-wow. >> that is little bow-wow, yes,
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add little bow-wow to the movie itself? >> through cgi, jimmy. you can do anything. >> jimmy: all right. i see, all right. >> i just -- here's another one, we added some flava to. >> jimmy: you did? >> yes. the film "room" starring brie larson and jacob tremblay. it becomes "crib." starring queen latifah. and kevin hart. >> jimmy: isn't that wonderful. "room" is not a comedy. >> "room" is not a comedy, yes. you're correct, but "crib" is and it's hilarious. >> jimmy: okay. >> kevin hart is good as 5-year-old kid. i think he can win this one. >> jimmy: is that it? what else are you working on? or is that the extent of it? >> no, no, no. we have "the revenant," that is going to become "the revenant al sharpton." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you know, jimmy, his hair is like that because he got attacked by a bear. >> jimmy: i've always wondered
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makes sense. >> oh, and "the martian" becomes "the martin." >> jimmy: i like that. okay. >> and did you see the movie "steve jobs"? >> jimmy: i did, yes. >> for purposes of award consideration that will now be called "steve harvey." >> jimmy: okay. doesn't that completely change the movie though? >> well, in the new version steve accidently announces the iphone 5 instead of the iphone 6, then he has to go back and apologize. >> jimmy: all right. that's even more fun in a way. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] stewart, do you think these changes will solve this problem? >> oh, jimmy, i am sure of it. in fact, we are launching our own hashtag, it's #gettingjiggywitit. >> jimmy: great. actually -- thank you, stewart. i appreciate that. i tell you something, if you work on a problem you come up with a solution.
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[ cheers and applause ] hey, you know, the governor of new jersey chris christie was in council bluffs, iowa, he's looking to drum up support ahead of the iowa primary. and he did that by holding a town hall meeting in a restaurant where an 11-year-old boy grilled the governor about school lunch. >> what are you going to do about the lunches, because, okay, it was fine when mrs. bush was the first lady but now that mrs. obama is the first lady, they've gone down. and i used to eat all the lunches, like crispito and square pizza. not gluten-free stuff. >> jimmy: the first thing is we have an 11-year-old who says he -- his school lunches were better when laura bush was the first lady which was the bush's left office seven years ago which he would have been, best case scenario, 4 years old.
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assume this kid is some kind of genius who got into kindergarten when he was 2 and has fond memories of the crispitos and square pizza he used to eat when his baby teeth were still coming in. with that said -- how do you as chris christie respond for this mini doogie houser's request for more unhealthy school lunches? >> the first lady has no business being involved in it okay? i mean, really. she has no business being involved in it. but using the government to mandate her point of view of what people should be eating every day is none of her business. it just isn't. so i want people to eat more healthy. i'm trying to eat more healthy. we all should be trying to do that. it makes us better, live longer, better quality of life, all of the rest of it. but in the end, it's your choice. >> jimmy: if kids had a choice they would eat nothing but skittles all day. [ laughter ] they would have skittles for breakfast and slurpees for lunch. what kind of position is this? by the way -- why in the world
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comment on this subject? this is an enormous man. he's taking a stand against healthy school lunches? just from a pure pr standpoint, chris christie standing up for crispitos and pizza is like bill cosby doing an ad for lunesta. it makes no sense. [ audience moaning ] [ applause ] oh, thank you. do you think once you have a rubber band surgically tied around your stomach maybe you would shy away from a subject like that. to me seems pretty clear, chris christie is in the pocket of hot pockets. [ laughter ] donald trump got a major endorsement today from none other than sarah palin. she agreed to endorse him and he agreed to let her shoot that fuzzy animal off of his head. trump called palin a "high-quality person," which is important, you don't want one of those low-quality crappy people who kronk out right after the warranty expires endorsing you. but here's sarah palin in iowa
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>> you quit footing the bill for these nations who are oil rich we're paying for some of their squirmishes that have been going on for centuries, where they're fighting each other and yelling allahu akbar, calling jihad on each other's heads forever and ever. like i said before, let them do you believe it out and let >> jimmy: is she still talking? [ applause ] by the way, in case you don't know, a squirmish is what happens when squirrels go to war. it's called a squirmish. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yassid tarot -- i hope i'm pronouncing his name right. but the world's oldest man, he's not anymore. he passed away today. he was 112. i guess in retrospect the surprise party was not a good idea. but there he is. pretty sure he's the one in the middle.
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overdo it. and i don't know, isn't living to 112 kind of the definition of overdoing it? his dream, this is very sweet. his dream was to live long enough to see the movie "ride along 2" and he made it. he made it. [ applause ] it's bittersweet, i know. television history was made this weekend. "sesame street" which has been airing on pbs public television for free for the past 45 years, on saturday officially made the move to hbo. new episodes will air first on hbo and reair on pbs after that. of course "sesame street" is a family show and hbo has a very adult audience. we did something to help them satisfy audiences of all ages. we combined the audio from "girls," the hbo show, with the video from "sesame street" and the result is everybody wins.
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himself? also, real quick before you start, i told you so. i just want to get that out of the way. >> you didn't tell me so. >> beg your pardon? >> you didn't tell me so. >> i'm sorry. i seem to recall actually saying to your face that your father was a homosexual. >> yeah, but you think everyone's a homosexual. >> most people are. >> you told me barack obama was gay. >> he reads "bi." [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. i like it. we have to take a break. when we come back the worst online passwords of the year have been announced. yours is on the list. and i had a sleepover with barbie which i will share after
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. zach gala fa knack dis, aubrey plaza, and music from weezer is on the way. i don't want to bring everybody down, but -- "penthouse" magazine which has been in business since 1965 will no longer continue in print. for those of you who were too young to remember, magazines were like paper versions of the internet except instead of clearing our browser history you would hide them under your mattress. "penthouse" magazine will still be available online, same deal as "playboy" who is going to stop printing soon. they were very different magazines. "penthouse" you couldn't even pretend you were reading it for the articles. "penthouse" was more of an anatomy lesson. they've both been banished to the worldwide wide web which is sad for me because i guess it means my "dear penthouse" forum letter is never going to get published. it was all lies anyway. it's okay. there was a twitter outage this morning.
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which is scary because, you know, the only social media outlets we had for six hours was facebook, youtube, snapchat, instagram, and vine. i thought of something very clever this morning. i was forced to share it with my wife. didn't even get a like. it was terrible. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i actually think -- i actually think it's good when twitter goes down. it's nice. i think it would be great if all social media went down at random times for a few hours every couple days just to remind people there's a world, like a real one where hashtags are pound signs the way god intended them to be. this is good. [ applause ] toronto raptors beat the orlando magic in a special nba game they played in london. it was the third time now that raptors guard demarco rosen played in london. before the game he took time out
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here 1 -- 1-3. >> 1-3? >> this will be my third game here. 1-2. you know what i mean. >> no, i don't. >> you played two games and you add one, that means -- >> three games. >> but you said 1-3. >> if we win -- >> 1 for 3. >> 1, 4, 3? >> 1 for 3. >> that's what i meant. >> usc, baby. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those two guys are a show. i have some important information regarding your cyber security. the annual list of america's worst passwords is out. once again the worst passwords of the year are 123456, and "password." who does that? these must be the same people who have children name their teddy bear teddy, right? this year some passwords inspired by "star wars" made the list including solo, princess, and "star wars." "star wars" which i guess it makes sense when you think about
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movie is about a stolen password. but experts are saying do not use the word "password" in your password, and definitely do not make your pass board 123456. as a general rule, this is a good thing to remember. if you can remember your password it's no good. [ laughter ] speaking of online freakiness, this is something -- may i have that? i mentioned this. this is the hello barbie. this is a new doll from mattel. it connects to wi-fi. it actually interacts with your kid. it records your child's voice in realtime. sends it over wi-fi to the cloud in a bank of some sort of artificial intelligence servers generate a response to what your kid is saying. it gets sent back and spoken by barbie. like this. hello, barbie. >> hello. hi. i was just playing around with different hairstyles. can you help me pick out the perfect one for today? >> i think the one you have is fine. >> thank you so much.
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how do you think i should wear my hair today? >> jimmy: anyway. so it's -- it makes me nervous when a toy comes to life because when a toy comes to life you don't know if you're going to get like a buzz light year or chuckie, you know? i've been spending time with hello barbie and she interacts but i wish she interacted a little bit less. remind me to take your car in tomorrow morning. >> what's something you would enjoy about being a vet? >> jimmy: about being a what? >> helping animals is a really terrific goal. have you always been so helpful? >> jimmy: i said recollection mind me to take your car in in the morning. >> hey, you know what? let's pretend that there's a sick puppy and i will be your veterinarian's assistant. okay. here we go. oh, dear.
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puppy. his eyes are watering. his nose is stuffed up. and he just looks so tired. what's wrong with him, best >> jimmy: that's really how you would talk if you were my veterinarian assistant? >> hey, i just thought of a song about being a veterinarian. check it out. >> jimmy: no. no songs. you grow up you're going to be a vet you've got the right stuff so you'll make it i bet everyone will want to bring you their pet so don't worry if you're not quite there yet there's plenty of time to live your dream whether saving animal or eating ice cream tomorrow is coming quick and let's hear it for the vet and let's show it meow meow meow woof woof woof [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] tonight. we have music from weezer,
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zach galifianakis. [ cheers and applause ] [richard] we're handing out 32 million dollars, a thousand dollars at a time. a thousand people win one thousand dollars. every single day. get in on this!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here on the show, tonight, from the new movie "dirty grandpa," aubrey plaza is here. then, their new self-titled album comes out april 1st. it's self-titled but known as "the white album," weezer from the samsung outdoor stage. you can see weezer live on tour with panic at the disco all summer. tomorrow night, casey affleck will be here, vanessa hudgens will join us, and we'll have music from savages. and on thursday, zac efron, malin akerman, and music from ben harper and the innocent criminals. please join us for all that. our first guest tonight is a very talented actor, comedian out of north carolina. he has a great new show called "baskets" that premiers on fx on thursday night at 10:00. please welcome zach
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it's very good to see you. it's been a long time since i saw you. >> it's been a few years since i've been here, jimmy. >> jimmy: kind of a long time. you had a baby since then. >> yeah. i have -- [ cheers and applause ] i have a 2-year-old son. i forget his name. but, yeah, it's fun. my son likes political humor. >> jimmy: he does? >> yeah. this is one of the jokes that i do for him. do you mind if i -- >> jimmy: not at all, no, go ahead. >> it's a usual. you just be the -- >> jimmy: i'll be the -- >> yeah. okay. knock knock. >> jimmy: who's there? i didn't know if he was speaking or not. >> sorry. >> jimmy: start over again? >> take again.
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>> jimmy: who's there? >> benjamin netanya -- >> jimmy: benjamin netanyahu? [ cheersrsnd applause ] >> jimmy: he likes that. wow, that's -- do you feel like you're a good father? >> yeah, i like being a dad. it's a lot of fun. >> jimmy: what's the best part about being a dad? >> just getting up and making breaeaast with him and i'm trying to get him to be a triathlete right now. >> jimmy: you are? how do you do that? >> just force him to do it. >> jimmy: it's only way. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's the worst part of being a dad for you? >> just getting up and the triathlon, that whole thing. >> jimmy: it's tough. >> yeah, it's tough. >> jimmy: can i just -- real sorry. i don't want to say anything. your eyebrows seem -- [ laughter ] they seem fuller than i think the last time you were here.
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>> it's showing a bit? i'm half greek so that's probably it. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah, because i mean -- really, it seems like they're -- i don't know. maybe you could use like a trim or something like that? >> all right. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> i'll just be honest with you. beards got really popular, and i was trying to set myself apart. and my stylist -- my stylist and eyebrowist told me that -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have a eyebrowist? >> i have an eyebrowist. and they're a team. they told me to, you know, let it grow out. and this is the new look that's -- that's going to be sweeping the nation. >> jimmy: so your team. and did they split like each take an eyebrow or how does it work? >> i have four people for each brow. >> jimmy: you do? [ laughter ] i was thinking a two-man. >> no, in all seriousness, this whole thing, i didn't know it was going to show up. i'm a little embarrassed. >> jimmy: it does read on camera.
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>> they told me it wasn't going to read. but it's a side effect for some medication that i'm taking. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i didn't mean to -- >> i have body dysmorphia. >> jimmy: you do? that's where you don't like certain parts of your body. >> well, i think i'm short. >> jimmy: so you think you're short? >> yeah, i think i'm short in real life. i know i'm not. in real life i'm like 6'5" but this condition i have i think i'm short and i take this medicine called -- i can't remember the name of it. >> jimmy: you can't remember the name of the medicine? >> that's another one of the side effects. >> jimmy: it is, really? loss of memory? >> yeah, loss of memory. i have sausage toes. >> jimmy: oh, no. it sounds delicious. >> rainbow shaft. >> jimmy: you have rainbow shaft? i'm so sorry. i didn't -- >> candy ass of the penis. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. do you want to -- maybe we
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feel like i've traveled into territory i shouldn't have. we'll let it all out. don't worry. zach galifianakis is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] crawfish shorts i like your style hooked it just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) don't open that cellar door epic comeback starts right here lucky shot. mmm mmm mmm mm mmm mm mmmmm
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>> they do not have that. >> tab, that's fine. >> just a tab then. >> no. >> no. >> pepsi lime? >> pepsi lime? >> we have coke. >> they have coke. >> new or classic? >> new or classic? >> regular coke. >> just a schweppes then. >> just a schweppes then. >> did you say -- schweppes? >> yeah, schweppes. >> you're breaking up, say it one more time. >> schweppes. >> i thought i heard two people. >> okay. say it again. >> schweppes! >> zach galifianakis, brand new show called "baskets" and premiers on thursday night on fx. so last night i got the screener copy of the show and i was intending to watch one so i knew what was going on before you came on. and i watched all five of the available shows. >> are there five of them?
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them, yeah. you're in all of them too. >> wow. >> jimmy: it's very funny. my wife was angry with me. she came home from dinner and said, i watched all five and i watched them all without her so we're going have wait a month and half to catch up. >> it's a strange show as i have hair glued to my eyebrows. where i play -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that your own hair? >> yeah, from other parts. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: it looks -- >> i got an applause break. >> jimmy: it looks like you're going through some sort of radiation treatment now. >> sorry. >> jimmy: oh, now, that's better. >> that looks better? >> jimmy: you look like you should be in the new star trek movie. >> but -- what were we talking about? oh, the tv show. >> jimmy: the show. >> it's about a weird -- it's a weird show about a bitter rodeo clown who studies clown theory
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clown. louie anderson plays my mom in it. >> jimmy: i was going to ask you about that because louie anderson, the comedian, best known perhaps from his performance on the celebrity diving show "splash." >> i heard about that. yeah. i didn't see that. >> jimmy: he was great on that. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: he plays 84 mother and he plays it very straight. he's, you know, a woman throughout the whole show. >> yeah. and we -- i couldn't figure out who to cast in it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then louis ck's the producer. and i said to louis ck, i don't know, i just keep hearing a voice in my head. i imitated the voice. louis cs said, you know like louis anderson's voice? and i said, yes. he said, should we call him? i said yes. that's how he got cast in the show. so, we're lucky to have him. >> jimmy: is this the first show you worked on with louis ck? the first project you've done together? >> yes.
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remember this but he called me to go across country with him and his dog. to doing that. so now we're just -- >> jimmy: instead you're doing this? >> we're doing this instead. >> jimmy: who is the woman that plays your friend/assistant in the clip? >> her name is martha kelly and she's the worst improv actress i've ever seen in my life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think she's fantastic in the show. the show. she's a friend of mine. we used to do open mikes together in culver city. i just -- through the years i've always wanted to try to use her in something, she always would say no. but i think she said yes to this because she was living with her parents in torrance. [ laughter ] and that kind of motivated her. >> jimmy: solid reason. >> yeah, yeah. lucky to have her, very lucky. >> jimmy: why do you say she's the worst improv actor? >> because when i will do an improv, usually you're supposed to -- the tradition is you take
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you move it. this is martha. i would say a line and she would go, "well, um --" and that would be it. that was her improv. but we kept a lot of the well, ums. >> jimmy: she's got a lot of that going on. she's the voice of ambien. >> jimmy: of somehow it works out well. you and louis have known each other for how long? >> well, i mean, he -- he was kind of established comedian in new york when i was first starting. so he was -- i think he was writing on the david letterman show and i would see him and gigs and through the years i would see him and he called me to do this and i didn't have any confidence in doing it and i still don't have any confidence now that i've seen it. but it's -- i'm just real lucky and happy that it's just this weird show that, you know, i'm kind of even trepidatious if people will like it or not. it's weird enough that people will think it's interesting enough to think it's
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america it's not going to be the "big bang theory." but ihought it was unbelievably funny. >> thanks, jimmy, very much. >> jimmy: i consumed it like raisinettes. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: not just for the movies, either. you can have them at home. >> what are raisinetes, old raisins? they have chocolate over them? >> jimmymy they do have chocolate over them. you don't know raisinetes? >> i knew the california raisins years ago. >> jimmy: those are different gangs. >> i used to hang out with them. >> jimmy: no, no, no. those guys are totally different guys. >> they had drug problems. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. i'm so sorry about your health problems. >> thank you. thank you for understanding. thank you guys for understanding. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: zach gala fa knack dis. watch his show. it's called "baskets," it premiers thursday night at 10:00 on fx. we'll be back with aubrey plaza.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, music from weezer. our next guest is yet another funny person. we are so #blessed tonight. you may know from seven seasons on "parks and rec." starting friday you can see her doing things to robert deniro and with zac efron in "dirty
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aubrey plaza. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, well, that's nice. how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: that's really nice of zach. he's got rainbow shaft. it's hard for him to do that kind of thing. this is an injury. not an affectation? >> that's right. >> jimmy: what happened to you? >> i tore my acl playing basketball. i had knee surgery. and i'm recovering. and -- >> jimmy: are people nicer to you now that you have a cast? do they have sympathy and do they react in a positive way? >> yeah. they -- i think they feel weird, like they -- i don't know. i don't know. no. >> jimmy: you don't know. >> no. >> jimmy: you brought a photograph.
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you were in a wheelchair for a while. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long were you in a wheelchair? >> i was only -- basically i tore my acl and the day -- the next day i went to a bachelor weekend for my gay best friend and we did wine tastings. so they put me in a wheelchair and if you've never done a wine tasting in a wheelchair you should try it. >> jimmy: seems like the best way to do it. >> yeah, it's great because you don't know how drunk you are because you don't have to stand. so you just -- >> jimmy: why may i ask is he dressed as santa claus? >> he's dressed as santa claus. first of all, he wanted to go to mexico and we surprised him and we told him to just pack bathing suits and flip-flops but we actually took him up north where it was very cold. and then we packed him another suitcase with just a santa costume in it. and that's all he had to wear all weekend. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> so we were -- yeah. he was wheeling me around. and people were very afraid of
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>> jimmy: i would think they would be, yeah. >> they stayed away from us. yeah. >> jimmy: by the way, you're very funny in this new movie. >> "dirty grandpa." called "dirty grandpa." >> jimmy: how would you describe your -- you're in it. you're attracted to robert de niro. >> that's right. >> jimmy: how old is robert de niro? >> i believe bob is 73. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, bob. i didn't have sex with him on film. >> well, i did, so. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and describe that experience. >> well, you know, the movie is -- my character of lenore is -- for me it's a love story. we're soul mates, you know. i'm going to spring break with my friends. and robert de niro's character lies and says he's a professor and my character has an obsession with having sex with a
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so i zero in on him and i'm going to [ bleep ] you, he's like, i'm going to [ bleep ] you, too. and then we do. >> jimmy: spoiler alert. but, yeah. >> what was the question? >> jimmy: i think, you know, i think it was -- well, it's crazy to see robert de niro in a situation like this where you're really saying very, very filthy things to him. >> yeah well, it's kind of like that's his character, you know? it's kind of like he's met his match with me. he's a dirty grandpa and i'm a dirty girl. >> jimmy: young lady. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have a sex scene with him. >> we do, yeah. it was fun. >> jimmy: was it fun? >> yeah. >> jimmy: people always say it's not fun. but it was fun? for you it was fun? was it fun for him as well? >> i can't speak for him. you know, we -- it was a long day. they allotted an entire day for it. >> jimmy: they did, really? like how many hours? >> i would say about nine, a solid nine, maybe ten.
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interesting stuff that went down, you know? one thing in particular was the director who's british, dan mazer, who is awesome and i loved him, he -- you know, it was a little bit of like we didn't totally plan out the scene. we didn't know how it was going to go down so there were moments where dan would call me over and be like, in the next take, aubrey, why don't you suck on his nipples, try that. i would be like, you want me to -- on robert de niro? and then he goes, yeah, suck on his nipples. i would go and try to do it and i would try to get in there and suck on his nipples. he was like batting me away. and i didn't know if it was like in character or not because you never -- you never know. >> jimmy: right, yeah, sure. >> and then they cut the camera and then dan called me back and he's like, bob does not like his
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so don't do that. and i was like, great. well, now he thinks that i wanted to do that and -- it was a lot of really fun moments like that. >> jimmy: do you feel like you earned his respect as an actor because i mean, he's one of the all-time greats? >> i don't know. i mean, how could i know? but i hope -- i had a couple moments with him, like i mean, the first half of the shooting process i heard from my agent that -- who had spoken to his agent that he was legitimately scared of me. like i think because, you know, in the movie i'm playing a 21-year-old and i've got like a wig and i'm all like bronzed up and i'm acting like a drunk slut. and i'm not really like that. you know, in real life. and i think every time i was around him it was right before we started shooting so i was all over him and i really freaked him out. but i had a couple of moments with him like there's one scene
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the first take i threw up and then i like tried to kiss him and he -- he really like had a reaction where he was like, uh, like get away from me. and then when they cut the camera he was like, that was very good. i believed that you had thrown up. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's all you can really dream of as an actor is making robert de niro blanch. the idea that the guy from "cape fear" would be scared of you is funny too. >> i am terrifying. >> jimmy: where did you get the cane? is that hospital issue? >> no, actually. my sister sent this to me as a joke for christmas. then it turns out that the joke is on me. >> jimmy: it could be your new thing. >> yeah. i don't know. canes.com, i don't know. the internet. >> jimmy: very good to see you. you're very funny in the movie. it's called "dirty grandpa." it opens friday. aubrey plaza, everybody!
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. sometimes we use k-y ultragel to enhance my body's natural moisture so i can get into it a bit quicker. and when i know she's into it, i get into it and...
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to zach galifianakis, aubrey plaza, and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, their new self-titled album comes out april 1st. here with the song "thank god for girls," weezer! [ cheers and applause ] the girl in the pastry shop with the net in her hair is making a cannoli for you to take on your hiking trip in the woods with your bros that you've known since second grade and you may encounter dragons or ruffians and be called upon to employ your testosterone in a battle for supremacy and access to females glued to the tv and even if you are victorious you may receive many cuts bruises and scrapes and you will require band-aids and antiseptic ointments and tender loving kisses on your stab wounds and when you come home she will be there waiting for you with a fire in her eyes
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in your mouth and that's why you thank god for girls holla jesu christe from tennessee to la thank god for girls on your reckoning day you better bow down and pray she's so big she's so strong she's so energetic in her sweaty overalls thank god thank god for girls for girls thank god for girls thank god for girls i'm so glad i got a girl to think of even though she isn't mine i think about her all the day and all the night it's enough to know that she's alive she says i give her sweaty palms she almost had a heart attack the truth is that i'm just as scared i don't know how to act i wish that i could get to
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in real life would cause the illusion to shatter i carved her name into all the trees sang a song down on one knee looking at the underwear page of the sears catalog like when i was fourteen i'm levitating like a magnet turned the wrong way around i'm like an indian fakir tryn'ta meditate on a bed of nails with my pants pulled down thank god for girls holla jesu christe from tennessee to la thank god for girls on your reckoning day you better bow down and pray she's so big she's so strong she's so energetic in her sweaty overalls thank god
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thank god for girls thank god for girls god took a rib from adam ground it up in a centrifuge machine mixed it with cardamom and cloves microwaved it on the popcorn setting while adam was like woo woo that really hurts going off into the tundra so pissed at god and he started lighting minor forest fires stealing osprey eggs messing with the bees who were trying to pollinate the echinacea until god said i'ma smite you with loneliness and break your heart in two and adam wept and wailed tearing out his hair falling on his knees looked to the sky
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[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> tonight, a baby abandoned in a manger more than four decades ago. >> i was about 5 days old. >> now on a mission to crack his life-long mystery. the trail of faded clues and the emotional celebration. with the family he has never met. plus it was the trial that rocked the country.
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murder --
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