tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 1, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT
>> the night i dined with the first lady and today i drove to work watched a man dressed like spiderman. >> you made him cry? >> i made him cry. >> you refused his sexual advances? ♪ [ male announcer ] for our families... our neighbors... and our communities... america's beverage companies have created a wide range of new choices. developing smaller portion sizes and more low- & no-calorie beverages... adding clear calorie labels so you know exactly what you're choosing... and in schools, replacing full-calorie soft drinks with lower-calorie options. with more choices and fewer calories,
>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, with a word from propel zero fitness water and america's number one dance game, "just dance 3," who teamed up this weekend for a showdown between "dancing with the stars" stud maksim and "jimmy kimmel live" stud, guillermo. take a look. ♪ >> guillermo: are you ready to do this? >> i'm ready to do this. are you ready? >> guillermo: honest, i'm nervous. >> no, really? meditation, yoga, calms you down. you should do what i do. ♪ >> guillermo, look within yourself to find what propels you. i like mandarin orange, guillermo. guillermo, guillermo, guillermo, wake up! >> where did that come from? >> don't worry about it.
let's do this! ♪ ♪ jump on it ♪ ♪ jump on it >> i've never seen those kind of moves before. that's amazing. >> hey, kid, drink this. >> dicky: visit justdanceplanet.com to create and submit your dance routine in the "just dance with propel" contest for your chance to win $20,000. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with vanessa williams, jonny lee miller, and music from andrew bird. find me a store that sells organic mushrooms for my risotto. [siri] this organic market looks pretty close to you. how many ounces in a cup? [siri] this might answer your question. oh, i knew that. and remind me in an hour to put the gazpacho on ice.
[cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for visiting personally. everybody okay? everybody doing well tonight? no problems? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nice to be home. i was in washington, d.c. this weekend. [cheers and applause ] i had a very good weekend. on is the night i dined with the first lady of the united states. today a drove to work and watched a man dressed as
spiderman, urinate into a slurpee cup. [ laughter ] i hosted the white house correspondent association dinner on saturday night. and the entertainment was me and president obama. he was very funny, made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about it. personally, i feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. get what you can out of it. it was kind of like a loweroast. i made fun of the enormous governor of new jersey, chris kristy. kim kardashian laughed at what i said about her. one person who didn't laugh was barbara walters. i did a joke about her that i thought was innocuous, but apparently she was unamused.
>> if you looked at me,ivities laughing too, but i did not like jimmy kimmel, who is very funny. but i did not like what he said about me. take a look. >> 16 years is a long time. 16 years ago there was no facebook, google and a tweet was something barbara walters gave her dog. [ laughter ] >> how did you feel? >> you have to admit, they were talking about you. so it's actually a compliment to make fun of people. >> they made fun of us on saturday night live. let me test her, say the word treat three times. >> treat, treat, treat. >> good, barbara. >> jimmy: perfect. was that really offensive?
i didn't mean to upset you barbara. if it offended you, i'm very sorwee. everyone loves a good insult as long as it isn't them being insulted. i made a joke about marshall bachman with his wife. he runs clinics to turn gay people straight. west ham united he in the hair club for men cling, not only the president, i'm also a client. [ laughter ] anyway, i did a joke about him that was apparently worthy of serious analysis. >> he burned more bridges than madison county. he has more pink slips than marcus bachman. too soon? if you're not familiar, he plays cameron on the show modern family. stand up. where are you, marcus?
oh, there he is. [ laughter ] >> i have a question. >> that was wrong. >> thank you, don. at least someone has a sense of humor. >> jimmy: making jokes about the secret service while they were ten feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. president obama made jokes about them and he didn't get much of a reaction either. >> just to set the record straight, i do enjoy attending these dinners. i have more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their curfew. >> probably laughing on the inside. >> jimmy: strange development in the secret service prostitution
saga. they issued new rules of conduct on friday and on some trips, they will send shap rons to make sure the rules are enforced. these are the chap rons. they're going to make sure there's no funny business. am i nuts, or is this weird? we have to give the secret service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex? we should make them travel with their moms. they will be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute. tonight they managed to find the only thing to make ballroom dancing more exciting and that's classical music. did you know beethoven
specifically wrote his simpony in the hopes irkel would quick step to it? maria mean you knows on got their perfect score of the season. they finished in first with 57 out of skikt. low score went to melissa gilbert with 47 points. she might be here with us tomorrow night until her little house on the prayers are answered. this is a pair we need to get on "dancing with the stars." a video of a woman shopping at target with her grandson, and she came up with a fun new way to get around the store, dragging the kid behind the rascal. i wonder if she even knows he's there. [ laughter ] they just went down the aisle. target should pay them for buffing the floors for them, especially what they're doing. arnold schwarzenegger is back in the news. he's shooting movies again, but he's also keeping himself in the
world of politics. he was on bbc news talking about the fact that republicans and democrats can't agree on an energy plan. he's not lost his step. >> there's no action in washington. democrats and republicans are not working together to -- they're stuck in their idealology corner. >> jimmy: english language wins again. that happens when he breaks his two syllable rule. now on to the future governor of california, metta world peace. the lakers are in the playoffs now, up 1-0 on the denver nuggets. they didn't allow the player formerally known as ron artest to play. he's still answering questions
about his elbow to the head of james harden. he's serving a seven-game suspension. here he is describing it in his own words. >> it was a brutal elbow. i seen it. i'm like, oh. it seemed like anger, but it was a lot of passion involved. i didn't lose it. it was bad timing for me. physically, it was timing for mr. harden. >> jimmy: bad timing all around. [ laughter ] this is from dr. oz. he has a thing on the show where he asks audience members to reveal their most personal and sometimes embarrassing secrets. on friday he had a show called tmi, too much information, your shocking and intimate questions answered. the stars of that show, bernie and beth. >> welcome to the show. >> what's your tmi question? >> my question is, we were having sex, and we broke his penis. >> how do you know you broke his
penis? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: fortunately his penis was still under warranty. did you know that could happen, guillermo? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: what's that noise? guillermo, a lot of times he's up early taking care of his five-month-old son, but on sunday he tweeted watching real madrid game, having cookies and coffee. great gameo far and great cookies. then at 3:57, he tweeted, i wish they delivered pizza 24 hours a day. the cookies weren't filling you up? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: he tweets more about food before 9:00 a.m. than most people do during the whole day. at 4:10, guillermo tweeted time for the second half and more
cookies. holler, madrid. what's that mean? >> guillermo: that's what they say, holler, madrid. >> jimmy: i think your stomach needs a chaperone. then he tweets, happy royal wedding anniversary, wow, time goes fast. is that wow? w wao? two minutes later he tweets poach eata mexicana, can you cook breakfast for me? did they just legalize marijuana in your house? what's happening? >> guillermo: i was half asleep. >> jimmy: one hour, tweeted about soccer, pizza, cookies and the royal wedding. you're like the mexican "view." we have quite a security team at
our show, an interesting bunch. sometimes it's fun to talk to them. in light of the recent secret service scandal, they're sworn to protect the president even if it costs them their life. so today we asked my security team if they would, indeed, take a bullet for me. >> would you take a bullet for jimmy? >> no. >> not at all? >> not for $10 an hour i wouldn't. >> would you take a bullet for jimmy? >> anything delivered to him, i give it to him. >> would you take a bullet for jimmy? >> yes. no, are you crazy? he knows that, though, we had that conversation. >> i work for him. i do security for him. i would. >> would you take a bullet for jimmy? >> no. >> jimmy: guillermo, you wouldn't take a bullet for me? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: guess i have to have you replaced then.
let's bring in emily, everyone. meet my new security guard and take the old one out of here. emily, congratulations. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and thank you, emily. i'm not sure if you're loyal or insane, but either way, i like it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: one more thing, on the subject of profstitution, you se these guys standing behind the president. it's hard to imagine them doing anything really except for standing there. it's a scenario, though, that has inspired tonight's edition of our audience participation game. tonight's pedestrian question is, have you ever paid for sex? we went on hollywood boulevard today to ask people if you've ever exchanged money for sex. we'll see someone introduce themselves, then stop the video and try to guess the answer. >> my name's mark.
i'm from l.a. >> well have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everyone says yes. >> no, i've never paid for sex. >> have you ever been paid? >> twice. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, next. >> terrell, from new jersey. >> have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much? >> jimmy: oh, everyone just -- everybody's yelling yes and no. okay, let's find out. >> yeah, like a dollar. >> it was worth it? >> it was worth it. >> jimmy: a happy customer. who else do we have? >> frederick, from los angeles california. >> and have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much?
>> yes! >> jimmy: the dark side, okay. >> 250. it was a flat rate. she asked me if i wanted the happy ending, and i said, yeah. >> jimmy: no wonder he was in the costume. all right, who else? >> france. >> have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much? >> jimmy: this is tough because she's french, and they do weird things. and she's a woman and they don't usually do weird things. no way? let's see. >> pay for the sex, no, and no. >> jimmy: wow, that's surprising. all right. who else do we have? >> my name is dickie do and i'm
from mobile, alabama. >> have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much? >> um -- >> yes! >> jimmy: you think he do pay for sex, or think he don't? i hear a lot of noes. >> i never paid for sex. no. >> jimmy: did you pay to make your head look like that? >> well, i don't know. this is what i do everyday. >> jimmy: that's weird. all right. >> from los angeles. >> and have you ever paid for sex, and if so, how much? >> no! >> jimmy: this one seems to be split half and half. >> no. >> never?
>> never. >> have you ever been paid? >> no. >> have you ever had sex? >> no. >> never? >> no. >> high-five. >> jimmy: thank you for that. [cheers and applause ] ->-> jimmy: tonight on the show -- from the new tim burton movie "dark shadows," jonny lee miller is here. we have music from andrew bird, and we'll be right back with vanessa williams, so stick around. [ female announcer ] it figures...on your busiest day
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jonny lee miller is with us. and then a terrific singer/songwriter with music from this album called "break it yourself," andrew bird is here. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by the latest cast-off from "dancing with the stars," and have music from civil twilight. and later this week, scarlett johansson, eva green, william h. macy, and music from brad and roger daltrey. join us for those shows, too. if our first guest keeps her head down, plays nice, and avoids any eye-contact for the next two weeks, she just might make it out of wisteria lane alive. she has a new memoir called "you have no idea," and two more episodes of "desperate housewives," starting sunday night at 9:00. please welcome, vanessa williams! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look fantastic.
>> well, thank you. >> jimmy: how's everything? >> everything is good. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about something. >> what? >> jimmy: but i'm going to have to unfire guillermo. i'm sorry, emily, but we're going to have to let you go. bring guillermo back in here. this is a trial period that you're back for, okay? >> guillermo: okay. >> jimmy: guillermo was excited because he said he ran into you in traffic. >> on our last day of shooting last thursday, we were leaving universal where we shoot. it was my white van, i was in the front seat. we were stopped at a light right bee the universal entrance. i see this guy stopped next to me, and i'm saying, i recognize that guy. and i roll down the window, and he looked up, and we saw that it was guillermo. >> jimmy: he actually told us the story about 40 or 50 times that day. so much so that we put together a little reenactment.
this is his account of -- we hired actors to play each of you for the events as they occurred. >> okay. ♪ >> hi, guillermo. >> hi. >> i'm going to be on the show, monday. see you then. >> guillermo: okay, see you then. >> jimmy: wow, that's incredible. [cheers and applause ] the van detail, he didn't tell us about the van. >> and he also said the person who recognized him was eva longoria. [cheers and applause ] >> yeah. she was sitting behind me on the bench seat. i said, doesn't this guy look familiar? and she said, that's guillermo! >> jimmy: why didn't you explain that? >> she was too short. >> you made her day.
>> jimmy: it's ashame you didn't have that story for your book. >> i would have been the end. >> jimmy: you have done something very brave, something that very few people would be bold enough to do. you've written a book with your mother. >> i know. it's crazy. and we didn't kill each other in the process. >> jimmy: your mom's on the front of the book. >> yeah. we actually wrote our sections separately. >> jimmy: got you. who's idea was this? >> it was mine. i pitched it because, you know, i'm 49 years old. i have a -- [cheers and applause ] >> thank you. and now i have a career to look back on and say, this is what i was singing for the grammys, this is when i was nominated for a tony. this is my emmy-award winning show that i was involved with, so i have like almost years of work to look back on and also abstackels that i've gone through with my mother. >> jimmy: what are those?
driving you insane. >> driving me insane. >> jimmy: your mom wrote that she has a list of people that she hates. >> yeah. she doesn't let go. i'm one of those people that i can get through life. that's the only way to get through life, to forgive and move on. >> jimmy: these people on your mom's list, joan rivers on the list. >> i love joan, but she was relentless back in the day when i had gone through the miss america scandal and then publishing of the photos that got to them without a release. there was a whole huge lawsuit. joan was unrelenting. >> jimmy: your mom never forgets. >> and remembered every word. >> jimmy: the ladies of "the view" are on your mother's list. >> that was particularly joy. she had a problem with joy. because i was playing a nun and she had a problem with me playing a nun. >> jimmy: joy had a problem with you playing a nun. >> yeah, she had some disparaging things about my
character, which my mother never forgot. >> jimmy: johnny carson is on your mother's list. >> this was 1983. you would think it's progressive, but i remember i was -- i just won first appearance at the plaza hotel. and i was watching the -- i won a saturday. monday night the carson show comes on. and his opening monologue, did you hear, we have the first black miss america. everyone said, yeah, yeah, yeah, mr. t was one of the judges. and i said, oh, yeah, oh is >> jimmy: i see. >> that was my first introduction to -- i don't know who wrote it, but my mother blames johnny. >> jimmy: now, mother teresa is on there. >> no, no, no. she's fine. >> jimmy: you mentioned that scandal which almost seems quaint now in this day and age. >> i wrote the book and i called it, you have no idea, because a
lot of people judge and assume. when i won, i was 20 years old. i was a junior at syracuse major in musical theater. i was a girl that had lived life. when i won miss greater syracuse, it was almost like a dare. i performed my entire freshman and sophomore years. i performed in everything. they scout the talent and they asked me time and time again to be in the miss greater syracuse pageant. i said no. i was supposed to do an equity production. it got canceled. i asked mom, what do you think? she said, you can use the scholarship money. so i won miss greater syracuse and my friends when we got back to my apartment, drinking rolling rock beers, and they said, they have no idea who they just chose. and it just is a nice title to
show that you never know who is behind the facade. >> jimmy: but isn't it more appropriate that we chose a miss america who is getting drunk and smoking weed in her dorm room? [cheers and applause ] >> speaking of which, my mother is proud that she still has my pipe. she won't give it back to me. she still has my pipe. >> jimmy: maybe she'll leave it to you in the will. >> exactly. >> jimmy: more with vanessa williams when we come back. [cheers and applause ] today, we stand against the tyranny
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gone. are you sad about it? >> i was lucky. i did two years on it. it's an iconic show. marc cherry i got a chance to surprise him on our final night. we did our last scene. it was in linnet's kitchen, around her kitchen table where we all have coffee. and the girls did the last scene. he said some words. he's a huge sond him freak. so i sang, send in the clounds for him, and he lost it. >>. >> jimmy: did he cry? >> i know how to make people cry. >> there's a story about the governator on his last dinner. >> jimmy: you made him cry? >> i made him cry. >> jimmy: you refused his sexual advances? >> no! he's a good friend. maria had asked me to sing for him. and i did. >> jimmy: that was a bad idea.
>> and i did, so long, farewell, a parody of all the stuff. she said his favorite song is silent night. i said, okay, how can i make this different? and i sang it in german. and he looked at me and just got all teared up. maria said, how can you make him cry? 25 years, i can't make him cry. and you make him cry. >> jimmy: i think she made him cry eventually. [ laughter ] you met every president. there you are with ronald reagan. >> president reagan called me after a won. >> jimmy: high called you? >> by the time i got off the runway, he called and said it was a great thing for our country. >> jimmy: there you are with president ford. >> they had a luncheon at emory university and i was there.
>> jimmy: here you are with president carter. look how happy these guys like with you. >> he's a lot like my dad. my dad loved to farm. he loved to farm. really smart guy, but very chill. >> jimmy: this is the bush family. >> the bushes. i met the w. probably -- they're not on the list, but my mom is quite vocal with her views and i said mom, if you meet them, keep walking, shake their hand, don't say a thing. and she did. got to respect the office, mom. >> jimmy: there's president obama, looks pretty happy to meet you. >> that was actually before he was elected. i was up on the hill campaigning for special olympics and i had a meeting in his office at the time. >> jimmy: and finally, look at the look on that face. [cheers and applause ] was he shaking your hand or
dragging you somewhere? [ laughter ] >> no, no, no. president clinton is a neighbor of mine now. >> jimmy: he lives near you! >> yeah. >> jimmy: be careful. be really careful. it's great to see you. two weeks left of "desperate housewives". sundays at 9:00 p.m. on abc. "you have no idea" is available now. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] every day, thousands of people
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11th. >> beautiful machine. wouldn't you agree? >> i just like it for the -- this. >> there's nothing worth stealing i'm afraid. >> that's what i was looking for. >> what are you? >> i'm about to do something so repellent, it sickens me to my core. >> jimmy: "dark shadows" opens may 11th. please say hello to jonny lee miller! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you.
last time, you were here, you had eli stone here on abc. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you had a son since then. >> yes. he's three and a half now. his name is buster. >> jimmy: that's a solid name. >> it's a great name. i downicized to that name actually. i love the name and my wife loves it. but i was at the park with him when he was very small. he's kicking a little football around. and it goes off. we're trying to encourage him to go after it. you're like, go get your ball, buster -- buddy. so we had to learn some new language. >> jimmy: yeah. or you get thrown out of the game. your middle name is lee. a lot of famous people have the name lee. david lee roth. tommy lee jones.
kathie lee gifford. >> i think there was a golfer named jonny lee miller. >> jimmy: you weren't named after him, though, right? >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: jamie lee curtis, another one. this might be the secret to becoming well known. >> i'm trying. >> jimmy: how old were you when you came to the united states? >> when i first came here, i was around 15, 16. >> jimmy: was that on a vacation? >> my sister was studying at ucla. >> jimmy: so you came out to visit her? >> i did. >> jimmy: were you hooked? were you staying in a sorority house? >> i wish. i was actually staying on the sofa of one of her male student friends. >> jimmy: okay. >> yeah, it was my first experience. i was using the bathroom in this apartment at one point. there was a knock on the door. i'm using the bathroom. the guy is like, hey, johnny,
welcome to the usa! i'm like, what? i had missed an earthquake. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> there was an earthquake whilst i was in the bathroom, and i was engrossed in the bathroom. >> jimmy: what year was this? >> 1992 or something like that. >> jimmy: wow. maybe you caused it. who knows! >> i have some great stories about your american cuisine. >> jimmy: then you came back and were you an actor already, as a kid? >> i started acting when i was eight years old. >> jimmy: oh. >> not very well. >> jimmy: were you in theater? >> i had done some television when i was younger. then i joined a theater company -- youth theater company and progresses from there. >> jimmy: what did you do there? >> i was in there and then i worked as an usher and tearing
tickets, then i was assistant fire officer. >> jimmy: for the theater? >> yes, in london. >> jimmy: there was an assistant fire officer. there's one guy that is the fire officer. >> there's the fire officer and when he's busy, there's the assistant fire officer. >> jimmy: who do you do for that? >> i unlock the building for the safety. you operate the safety curtain during the interval and you maintain the fire extinguishing equipment. i'm just making this up. i don't know what i was doing. >> jimmy: was there any trouble while you were there? >> never any fire trouble while i was there, but i almost lost my leg during my first shift. the show was miss saigon. >> jimmy: there's a helicopter in that. >> yes. and i got my leg got in some scenery. i was standing in the wrong
place. i was an excellent safety officer. >> jimmy: sounds like it. i enjoyed this movie, "dark shadows." >> thank you. >> it's very funny, and i think the idea people will really like. >> it was a thrill to be involved. >> jimmy: do you remember the american soap opera? >> i was not aware of it, but tim burton told me when i met him that i was very "dark shadows." i'm not sure how good that is. >> jimmy: did you enjoy working with the other johnny, johnny depp? >> tremendously. >> jimmy: when he was not choking you, you got along well. >> yeah, when he wasn't choking me. i always thought it was a good look. if you don't look ugly enough doing like that, try doing it next to johnny depp. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. "dark shadows" opens in theaters may 11. when we come back, music from andrew bird. when we come back, music from andrew bird. [cheers and ♪ strea-ea-ea-ea-e
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♪ go ahead and congratulate yourself give yourself a hand the hand is yours ♪ ♪ when the eye that eyes itself is your eye and the ear that hears itself is near ♪ ♪ then you're getting too close -- you're getting too close -- you're getting too close ♪ ♪ to your source you've done the impossible now, you took yourself apart, made yourself ♪ ♪ invulnerable no one can break your heart
so you break it yourself bringing your own ♪ ♪ break it yourself bringing your own break it yourself bringing your own ♪ ♪ break it yourself bringing your own bringing your own ♪ go ahead and re-ionize ♪ ♪ yourself give yourself a hand the hand is your hand and you go ahead and ♪ ♪ wring it out and you go ahead and stretch it out and you go ahead and ♪ ♪ wear it inside out ah
day trip in the desert makes this boy and girl too wise ♪ ♪ through a raging wall of sand that's one hundred stories high so you re-ion-ion-ionize ♪ ♪ and it's eye-on-eye-on eye-on-eye-on-eye all this time it took to realize ♪ ♪ that you could use some help bringing your heart breaking the shell ♪ ♪ bringing your heart breaking the shell bringing your heart bringing your heart ♪ ♪ bringing your heart