tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 27, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. very nice. thank you. hi, everybody. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. i want to admit something right up front. i'm only going to be -- very nice. appreciate it. i'm going to be paying about half attention during the show tonight because i'm distracted because the world series is on. game game one of the world series, kansas city, royals versus mets. guys over here in royals jerseys. the building. it's a long overdue match-up. the last time royals or mets won 1986. the games preempted new episodes of "who's the boss" and "matlock." it's been a while. my cousin sal and i had the
misfortune of being born mets fans. this is sal on our flight home from brooklyn this weekend. one of our producers, trevor, is from kansas city, so he's a royals fap. he made the grave mistake of falling asleep on the plane with royals cap on. sal saw and decided to strike, doused him with water. he's been planning to do it for years. there was a brief wrestling match. sal was taken into custody. hoping he will be out by thanksgiving. i made a bet with aaron from "modern family." if the mets win i get to shoot him with paintballs from a bounce house. if the royals win, he does. either way, someone gets shot with paintballs in a bounce house. i feel good about the mets' chances. i've been searching for just the right bounce house for eric. i'm thinking about, this one comes with -- i could really hunt him in something like this.
is the royals, this would be a nice -- it would be nice to have a castle for him to romp around in, right? the game is going on right now as we tape this show, which is killing me. i asked our friend yaya to give us updates throughout the show. i can't give a broadcast because fox pays a lot of money for them. there he is, yaya. yaya, do you know what sport they're playing? >> playing baseball, between kc and new york. >> jimmy: that's right. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's happening in the game right now? >> 1-0. >> jimmy: is it really? >> yeah. i think the guy, he went -- >> jimmy: daniel murphy hit a home run? >> murphy won, i don't know. >> jimmy: you better not be screwing with me. are you sure about that? >> i'm not sure. i don't understand the game very good, you know? >> jimmy: gee. try to learn more about the game and i'll check back with you.
>> okay, jimmy. >> jimmy: is it really 1-0 right now? does the score say 1-0? >> i don't know. maybe 1-0, 1-1, i don't know. >> jimmy: i might need to send you back there to help. as you know, saturday is halloween. you better get ready. you know, i feel like facebook and instagram have added a lot of pressure making sure your kid has a good halloween costume. when i was a kid i was the wolf man every year. every year i would put on a flannel shirt and glue some hair to my face and i was the wolf man. now you can't get away with that. nowadays you let your kid wear the same costume seven years in a row you will get a visit from child protective services. we're carrying on what is one of our most beloved, maybe our most beloved annual tradition this year, halloween candy youtube challenge. for the past four years we got
they ate all their halloween candy. and it's wonderful. we post the results to youtube. we've seen so many funny videos over the years, like this one. >> last night we ate all of your candy. >> why? >> because it was good. >> you ruined my life! >> jimmy: i hope he was able to bounce back. and here's another one. >> i told you not to. i told you. you never ever, ever eat the candy. >> jimmy: she did tell you but you can never ever listen about candy. that's your problem. so tonight i'd like to officially announce that once again we are inviting parents to take part in our now fifth annual halloween candy youtube challenge. you know what to do. shoot the video. upload the video with the title, hey, jimmy, i told my kids i ate all of their halloween candy.
good luck. let's make this a halloween your children will never be able to forget, no matter how hard they try. let's go back to yaya. yaya. >> yeah, jimmy? >> jimmy: figure it out? >> yeah. kc, 1-1. >> jimmy: what? >> kc win. the guy number two, he throw the ball and he run. now the guy number 18 -- >> jimmy: he threw the ball with the wood? >> yeah, the one with the ball. >> jimmy: this is a meta conversation we're having here. >> i don't know. great. what does the score say? >> the score say 1-0. is winning? >> i think kc. >> jimmy: okay, but the mets -- what? he is? >> kc. >> jimmy: what happened to murphy hitting a home run? i'm going to tell you something right now, yaya, you better get that score changed the next time
meanwhile meanwhile, all right, meanwhile, in other sports news, this is me trying to care about the show. the republican side of the race for the white house is tightening up. dr. ben carson for the first time ever, dr. ben carson leads donald trump in a new national poll. according to the new cbs news/"new york times" poll carson at 26%, donald trump is in second place with 22%. jeb bush only has 7%. jeb bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the bush family, even below billy bush. trump today, i don't know if you release this today but i saw it for the first time today. cover of his new book called "crippled america, how to make america great again." what a friendly face that is. that is not the cover of "oprah" magazine, folks.
was mid colonoscopy or so. he got an endorsement from this gentleman. >> hillary or bernie? >> excuse me? >> hillary or bernie sanders? >> neither way. you're endorsing trump, essentially? >> i would, yeah. >> jimmy: that's it. donald trump has mike tyson's vote. unfortunately mike tyson thinks you vote by throwing salami into a mailbox. is being endorsed by someone who has half a face tattoo good or bad? believe it or not donald trump had big celebrity endorsements. in fact, there's a new ad run that goes through quite a few of them. >> donald trump, a businessman you can trust. >> we are going to make our country great again. >> donald trump has the endorsement of dozens of winners, winners like nba champion dennis rodman, dr. charlie sheen, wrestling hall of
sensation tequila, world heavyweight champion, mike tyson, mr. las vegas, wayne nut on the, alex brother, steven, bussey. >> taking redirection, understanding massive power. >> but there's still one endorsement donald trump needs, yours. vote for donald trump and tell the world i agree with gary busey. >> i'm going to pull your endocrine system out of your body. >> paid for by hillary clinton. >> jimmy: that's money well spent, i think. this is interesting. in england, this is true, a cracker from a life boat on the titanic that somehow managed to survive for more than 100 years just sold at an auction for $23,000. for a cracker. this is why you never go to an auction hungry, because you make purchases -- this is a cracker,
it was in a life boat survival pack. they say it's the most cherished piece of titanic history that your toddler will eat when you're not looking ever. had he thought to float on it could have saved leonard do dicaprio's life. it was reportedly purchased by a buyer in greece which might explain why their economy is what it is. but it's hard to imagine a cracker selling for so much money, but, in fact, the truth is, there's a big underground chak cracker market right now, especially for celebrity related cracker. hey, now, i don't know what happened there. but here's guillermo has stolen a cracker from carrie underwood and is now exchanging it with an actor dressed up as some kind of a criminal. and now -- where is guillermo?
he's supposed to be -- [ applause ] oh. hey, guillermo, what's in the briefcase? >> guillermo: nothing. >> jimmy: let's check back in with yaya because i really don't give a [ bleep ] about any of that. yaya. >> yes, sir? >> jimmy: anything happen? >> now the guy number 8, i don't know his name. kc. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and the guy from new york throw the ball. >> jimmy: yeah. >> his name harvey. >> jimmy: okay, yeah, matt harvey. >> matt harvey. the guy look at him so mad. i don't know what's happening. his face. >> jimmy: great. all right. thank you, yaya. thank you. we're going to take a break. when we come back, more cover ran of the world series, plus we have a special halloween themed pedestrian question. we find it if people outside the costume shop are going to be sexy or scary this year. stick around.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. julie bowen and carrie underwood is on the way. as i mentioned before, halloween is just around the corner. before long it will be on our doorstop knocking and asking for it was twizzlers. the amount of fabric on your halloween costume is directly proportioned to your self-esteem. i thought it might be a good area for tonight's pedestrian question. we sent a camera crew to hollywood toy and costume just down the street from us. we asked people costume shopping are you going to be sexy or scary this year. what we're going to do, we'll see someone, introduce him or
herself, together based solely on that introduction we will guess if the person is going to dress up sexy for halloween or scary, okay? you understand? [ applause ] thank you. let's play. here we go. our first halloweener. >> i'm j.t. fletcher from panama city, florida. >> j.t., this halloween, are you going to be sexy or scary? >> jimmy: is j.t. from panama city beach going to be sexy or scary? everyone says sexy. the answer is -- >> sexy. >> where is your shirt? >> halloween. >> jimmy: whoever heard of aware wolf with no body hair. next up? >> olivia from seattle but i go to usc. >> olivia, what are you going to be this halloween, sexy or scary scary? >> jimmy: olivia, sexy or scary? mostly scary, a few sexies in there. let's find out.
>> a sexy boxer. >> jimmy: she's also endorsing donald trump. next? >> how are you today, from los angeles, california. >> jason, this halloween are you going to be sexy or scary? >> jimmy: does the fact that he's wearing a blue tooth play any role in any decision? is jason going to be sexy or scary? his name is jason. >> i'm dracula. >> why do you think he is so fascinated with vampires? >> because the blood we suck. >> what? >> eat, die. >> i answer understand. >> jimmy: who else do we have? >> i'm from san francisco. >> brooklyn, what are you going to be this halloween, sexy or scary? >> jimmy: everyone says sexy for brooklyn from san francisco. let's see. >> sexy cop. freeze [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's not the
language we expect from -- we see a lot of sexy cops. never see a sexy mailman or anything. do you? next up -- >> john booker. i live right here in hollywood. >> john, let me ask you. this halloween are you going to be sexy or scary? >> jimmy: john from hollywood. most he ly sexy. let's see. >> sexy french maid. >> jimmy: french women aren't world. who else? >> my name is valentino. i'm from italy. >> this halloween are you going to be sexy or scary? >> jimmy: is -- everyone says sexy. guillermo, what do you think? >> guillermo: sexy. >> jimmy: let's find out. >> motto sexy. >> jimmy: is that what -- is that what doctors look like in
italy? medicine is very different there. next? >> vanessa, hollywood. >> vanessa, what are you going to be on halloween, sexy or scary? >> jimmy: everyone says scary. all right. maybe it's the pantera t-shirt. all right? >> i'm scary satan. >> a demon. >> jimmy: scary satan. seems like just satan is fine, it's efficient, right? next? >> my name is jonathan welling wellington from california. >> jonathan, what are you going to be on halloween, sexy or scary? >> jimmy: does jonathan strike -- sexy, okay, all right. >> sexy. >> jimmy: jonathan has an unusual definition of the world sexy. all right. i believe this is the last one. >> gabrielle pollack from south africa. >> gabrielle, this halloween are
>> gabrielle from south africa. most everyone says sexy. let's find out. >> scary! >> transformation. >> jimmy: all right. thanks to everyone for playing. and thanks to our contestants for changing on the street. should we get another world series update before we go? yaya, are you there? >> i'm here. >> jimmy: okay. what's going on? >> actually the guy's name is steve, number 7. he cannot push the ball. catch it from kc. >> jimmy: thank you, yaya. we'll come back to you later. tonight on the show, carrie underwood is here. we'll be right back with julie bowen from "modern family." get the new iphone 6s at t-mobile. the network that's doubled its
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combine it with another costume. tonight is claire dufne of the always excellent "modern family." please say hello to julie bowen! how are you? >> my nom is going to be so happy. >> jimmy: why would she be happy? >> because i'm wearing a long lady dress. usually when i'm on your show i sit and the first thing i do is this. i'm like, hi, mom. how mom's unhappy. sorry, mom. now back to the lady dress. >> jimmy: that's the thing, when you feel like your mom might be
happy you have to ruin it for her. >> you have to ruin her happiness. >> jimmy: you have kids. you know this? >> they're like demeantors from "harry potter," i'm sucking the fun out of your life. are you having fun or dinner? not anymore. >> jimmy: we have a baby at home. when we mention maybe we might have another baby, people sometimes will say, don't. and they get real serious about it. do not have another baby. >> i can tell you, i can tell you my take on this. i have three children. now, the two of them twins so i didn't really have a choice and i love them. i love all my kids. >> jimmy: right. >> however, you go to a bar. you have a drink. you feel good. you have a second and you are on fire. that third, you're throwing up. you are throwing up. you're making bad decisions. >> jimmy: kids are like cocktails. >> have a second. that's what i say. >> jimmy: if you ever write a
cocktails" is a wonderful title. if i was at the airport and i saw it, i would buy it immediately. >> kids, they're like cocktails. i know. >> jimmy: is this a busy week for you with halloween and all of this stuff going on? >> yes, it is. i bought their costumes really early this year. and now they're fighting me wildly. >> jimmy: ah. you can't buy the costume toos early. >> i know. they're like, mom, we're not into pac-man anymore. >> jimmy: what year did you buy them, 1985? >> i took them to an arcade. coolest thing. we're so in to pac-man. done. there were tuns of them. go figure. there were not too many -- there wasn't like a run on the pac-man costumes. we have the furry chewbacca like sweatshirt sweatshirt. we have two chewbaccas and a storm trooper. however, i don't have a costume. >> jimmy: you will dress up? >> no. you may as well -- your opening segment. my son takes an im rrks mrks
advertised as, is your son class clown, troublemaker, bring him to improv. we came down to this improv class. store. >> jimmy: the costume shop? >> costume shop, good commitment. are you getting paid? pay back from the shop? though. people i think thought you were bringing your kid into a stripper store. store. my kid goes, mom, look. halloween costumes. and drags me in there. i'm like -- and he's like holding things up. is it for a pirate? i'm like -- allow the tassel to be your guide. >> jimmy: i see. i see. >> undeterred. undeterred. >> jimmy: of course not. >> try it on. >> jimmy: he wanted you to try it on? >> yes. he both wants to kill me. by the way, i heard about your bet.
>> have you ever been hit with a paintball? >> jimmy: i have, yeah. >> it hurts like hell. where were you hit? show me. >> jimmy: all over my body. i went to paintball with my son. and i did have a weird moment where i was looking through a scope at my son's head and i -- >> i'm thinking, yeah. >> jimmy: no, i was thinking, no, no. and he fired at my head. and i fired a million shots at his head. >> okay, so the same child that lovingly encouraged me to try on sexy cop, sexy -- sexy ups worker, sexy ketchup. >> jimmy: did you try these things on? >> no. he kept going why not, mom, why not. how do they move? i'm like, forget it, buddy. the same child, 8 years old. i love him so much. >> jimmy: i would hope so. >> conned me into doing -- like tiny convict paintball this summer. we were in montana. so like running through the woods. amazing. we're on the same team. it's a good bonding, mother/son experience. we're behind a blind.
i'm looking down, i think we got them all. we're -- we're the only ones left. i said, i think we got them. suddenly like a -- like thor and his hammer came and hit me in the head and i'm on the ground. i'm like who in the "f" from the other team just snuck us behind us. and i hear, sorry, mom. from here. >> jimmy: friendly fire. >> friendly? it was like two inches in the back of my head. when i can't remember anyone's name, like in four minutes, it's his fault. i love you however but it is your fault. >> jimmy: wow, what happens? >> i just lay there on the ground. i said, i understand this was a peak moment. i know we've done some bonding so i'm not going to yell at you. he goes, i thought -- well, you got in my way. just as he is making the excuse, the gun goes off in his lap. yeah, right there again. i was not in the way. but i guess the moral of the story is don't play paintball with 8 year olds. >> jimmy: you don't play
paintball i think is the moral of the story. >> you just signed up for this. >> jimmy: i know. >> you have that much faith? >> jimmy: eric is not going to have a paintball gun. >> where is it? >> jimmy: the mets are losing. >> he has monitor. >> jimmy: it's not a monitor. it's a tv. everyone has those, don't they? it's 1-0. the royals are winning. >> i sincerely hope -- actually eric doesn't take a punch well. >> jimmy: he doesn't? >> no, he's a tough guy. he is generally -- he is a bear. >> jimmy: big man. >> a bear. i don't know how to pull a punch. and he'll he he he does not care for that. >> jimmy: really? >> his reflex is not so much that he's hurt as that he's like -- >> jimmy: he's going -- >> he will take a piece of you right on down. >> jimmy: he's going to be trapped in a bounce house so he won't be able to get out of the bounce house and i have pretty tight security. >> who is win again? i'm just saying. right now you have this happening at you.
>> jimmy: all i know is when i am firing on eric in that bounce house, i would like your son to be at my side firing at him as well. yes? >> you definitely want to seep him in your sight. do not let him go behind you. >> jimmy: he will be in front. julie bowen is here. "modern family." we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of " jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by jetblue. watch now at
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come on, why aren't they transferring to me? i look just like you. maybe i don't have the scent right. a few weeks ago i found a nest of duck eggs. i lovingly nursed them. and then by some sick fluke claire was the only one there when the ducks were born. so they imprinted on her. >> oh, i didn't do it on purpose. >> then make them come back to me. >> julie bowen on "modern family." >> i love seeing ty. >> isn't he the best? i saw that clip earlier today and i thought, that line on paper is not at all funny. and yet it's funny when you -- >> they can hear you. the writers can hear you. >> jimmy: i'm not blaming them. they had so much confidence in
him. >> he could read segments of the phone book or takeout menu and it's hilarious. and he is so funny all the time. those ducks -- >> jimmy: the ducks, they weren't funny? >> they're not. >> jimmy: they're not funny. >> they are -- i can't blame the ducks. the ducks in that actual scene i'm cuddling with them and they start to crap. i don't know what they feed baby ducks but it's like the poop could poop, that's what they're feeding them. it's the poop of poop. it's that bad. it's like a metallic, maybe of a meth head pooped and they pooped, metaly unpleasant smell. they said, really get in there, julie, really snuggle them up. you bet. it's vial. and then they can smell on me the fact that i was brought up like getting nra badges and duck hunting. >> jimmy: they know you're a hunter. >> i am not. i have to say, i'm a terrible -- i can hit a target. like you, guy that's sleeping,
yeah. oh, he woke up. hi. you, yeah. i could nail him right between the eyes. the minute though someone is alive or flapping, as my dad used to say when we would go duck hunting, i can't hit the side of a barn. >> jimmy: we have video. >> -- of -- yes. it's from an episode two weeks ago explains how i'm having my tippy moment being attacked by birds. >> jimmy: let's have a look. >> okay. okay. oh, it's in my shirt. >> i was gone for 30 seconds. >> oh, god, it's my shirt. >> what are you doing? >> jimmy: what is happening? are those stapled to your coat? >> there's one -- at the very end you can see. they're tied with little tiny very -- animal safe, very humane. >> jimmy: sure, it looked safe. >> bird handcuffs.
a lot of animal wranglers and tieing them on. gabby, next time you go to the -- the bird handcuff shop, get a smaller size. like that's a place, by the way. a bird handcuff shop. >> jimmy: you've got to take your son there. >> i know. it's probably in the back of that, of that stripper store. but they tie them on lovingly. and they actually are union pigeons. practically on a smoke break. flying there and they go action. there are outtakes that i don't have that they just lay there. they don't do. they don't care. >> jimmy: they know to come to life. >> no. when they say action and i have to stir them by doing this. so i did but there's one on the back when i turn around he said, you're not fooling me. he's just lying there like -- they said i got a break, i'm taking it. >> jimmy: you have a very interesting life.
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>> jimmy: we're back. our next guest is a bona fide superstar of country music and one of the nicest people who has ever sung songs about murdering people you'll ever meet. she's won 7 grammys and sold more than 58 million albums. her latest came out last week. it's called "storyteller." please welcome carrie underwood! [ cheers and applause ] that's some dress you got there. >> no. >> jimmy: no, sorry. how are you doing? what is that? what is that made out of? >> some angel hair. >> jimmy: oh. >> angel -- >> jimmy: more than 30 angels
dress tonight. >> no angels were harmed. on. you sang the "national anthem" and the world series and the super bowl both. >> i've done -- i've sang some national anthems, yeah. nerve-racking as it gets when it >> yeah. you know? >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> and you know you know it. but -- >> jimmy: but you kind of don't know it. >> it's not something you sing that. songs. >> jimmy: do you really? >> that i have sang a thousand times. something that your don't, you know, don't sing every day. >> jimmy: and the echo you have there in the stadium. >> and people start singing along, like half a second behind you so you have to ignore them. >> jimmy: it's hard. and yet when somebody screws up we make nothing but fun of them. >> we do. >> jimmy: sometimes we get mad at them. >> i always ask -- because i feel like nowadays people might not know the words as much as -- >> jimmy: do you think fewer
people know the words to that song? >> i think perhaps because we used to sing it in school all the time and stuff like that and we don't do that so much anymore. but, yeah, they have the words usually somewhere in the stadium. >> jimmy: that's right. >> so i say, where are those going to be? i don't need them -- >> jimmy: that way you can sneak a peek? >> but where would they be. >> jimmy: just on the off chance you want to make sure you know that rockets have a red glare, yeah, yeah. that makes sense. you know people gamble on the length of the national anthem at the super bowl. >> they do. i do know that. >> jimmy: i personally have gambled on the length of the national anthem at the super bowl. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah. actually on you. >> did you win? >> jimmy: i did win, yeah. >> really? i kind of -- i didn't mess up at the end. it wasn't my fault. i knew that because guys were like asking me the day before. there was this like presuper bowl party, these guys were like, do you think that's going
1:27. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> but then when it was actually happening i kept thinking because they have the planes like fly over and everything. they're not here. i'm getting close to the end of the song. they should be here by now. maybe i should slow down? do i do that because i would really hate to like finish and then like 30 seconds later. but then -- so i think i slowed down just a little bit. >> jimmy: that's who would know. those are the guys to ask, the air force pilots doing the flyover, the stadium. >> new strategy this year. >> jimmy: i think i might. believe me, i can get ahold of that information. sometimes they pull the bet because it seems like somebody knows something like a rehars sal. >> i was doing ak a cappella. i should have bet. >> jimmy: you could make mormon money money, bet on yourself and slow it down. nothing illegal about it.
>> yeah. >> jimmy: really isn't. halloween, you have a baby. how old is your baby now? >> 8 months. >> jimmy: 8 months old. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's fun. what are you going to dress him as? >> he's going to be a fish. >> jimmy: that's cute. a fish, huh? >> yeah. well, my -- our last name is fisher. and my husband's nickname is fish, so we have big fish and little fish. >> jimmy: will your husband be a fish as well? >> no. i don't think he will be home. >> jimmy: oh, okay. do you answer the door for trick-or-treaters? >> i have, yeah, because we have cma stuff coming up so i will probably be like down at the arena doing all that stuff. >> jimmy: i see. >> i have. i did like this grim reaper costume. i was like covered from head to toe. i could see out but people couldn't see my face and i just didn't talk. i handed out candy all creepy like. >> jimmy: they don't know you live there? >> oh, no. they do. >> jimmy: they do? >> we live on the worst street for trick or treating.
a couple of houses at the end of it. we're kind of grenchy on my street. we participate. >> jimmy: kids don't want to walk up the hill for that candy. it would be a great thing if they did but they don't. >> but they do. >> jimmy: but they do come up your hill? >> because they know where i live. >> jimmy: oh, they want to go to carrie underwood's house. and you have to give out good stuff or you will be branded. you can't just give out smartees or something crappy like that. >> no, got to like give them the real deal. >> jimmy: you're going on tour -- when does your tour start? >> end of january. >> jimmy: end of january. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you started in florida? >> we will, yeah. >> jimmy: is this -- bring the baby on tour with you? >> yeah, he will come on the road. we kind of got our bus outfitted for him. >> jimmy: for babies? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how do you outfit a bus for a baby? >> there's a crib that's in the back. >> jimmy: that's good. >> it's like built in so it's like sturdy. it's not going to be flying all over, you know, the bus.
and there's a lot of drawers and doors on buses. >> jimmy: babies love drawers. >> they do. there's like a trash chute and laundry chute. >> jimmy: babies love trash chutes. >> we had to put locking mechanisms on everything. >> jimmy: to keep the baby out of the trush. >> to press a button and everybody locks. >> jimmy: that's good because babies never press buttons. >> the buttons are taller. they're not where he can get to them. >> jimmy: he's not walking yet, right? unless he's a weird super baby. >> no, he's pretty strong but he's not walking. >> jimmy: is he going to play hockey, do you think? >> i don't know. i think he will be like sturdy like his dad. but we'll see. i don't know. fish. >> yeah. just a little fish. you. what song are you going to do for us this evening? >> we're going to do "smoke break." >> jimmy: "smoke break" is coming up next. this is carrie underwood's cd called "storyteller" out right now.
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank julie bowen and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, this is her album " storyteller." here with the song " smoke break," carrie underwood! she's a small town hard working woman just trying to make a living working three jobs feeding four little mouths in a rundown kitchen when you're never taking nothing and doing nothing but giving it's hard to be a good wife and a good mom and a good christian she said i don't drink but sometimes i need a stiff drink
glass let the world fade away she said i don't smoke but sometimes i need a long drag yeah i know it might sound bad but sometimes i need a smoke break he's a big city hard working man just trying to climb the ladder first generation to go to college instead of driving a tractor never had nothing handed to him on a silver platter it's hard to be a good man good son do something good that matters he said i don't drink but sometimes i wanna pop that top take a swig and make the world stop and watch it fade away he said i don't smoke but sometimes
i wanna light it up yeah when things get tough sometimes i need a smoke break so here's to you and here's to when the day gets long go ahead i understand if you wanna take a load off i don't drink but sometimes i need a stiff drink sipping from a highball glass let the world fade away yeah and i don't smoke but sometimes i need a long drag oh i know it might sound bad sometimes i need a sometimes i need