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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 4, 2016 11:30pm-12:32am EST

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sights and sounds of raleigh today. >> the gentleman not just playing for fun, but hoping to raise money for homeless vets. a big problem around here. >> yeah, sounds great. >> yes. it does sound great. a beautiful day to be out playing and listening to music. >> was i the only one that saw the ihop and immediately thought of pancakes? i mean i could eat a short stack right now. >> that's 24 hours.
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all right, we have got a weekend. hopefully that you're ready for it as well. temperatures, they will slowly warm up. it'll be cold each morning with the rain overnight. both days are dry and near 60 on sunday. i definitely like that as the pick day of the weekend and then 70s. one, two, three four days in a row next week. >> we cannot wait. we hope you have a fabulous weekend. thank you for joining us tonight.
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>> >> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! whoo! hey! welcome to "the late show!" ( cheers and applause ) hello, everybody! ( audience chanting stephen ) down here, up there, up there, right there, out there! thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show!" thanks, jon, joe, grace, band. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. folks, there is shocking news tonight-- i've got to get
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feud everyone is talking about: donald trump versus the pope. did you hear about this? did you hear about this? this broke today. i am serious, i am not making this up. as america's foremost catholic, let me explain to you what happened, okay? ( laughter ) the pope is in mexico right now, where he was asked about donald trump's plan to build a border wall, and his holiness said: "a person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is not christian. this man is not christian if he has said things like that." ( cheers and applause ) then trump's okay, because he has not said things like that. he has said exactly that. ( laughter ) okay. because donald trump wants to build a wall around this country. i wonder where he could have gotten a crazy idea like that. maybe... the vatican?! ( laughter ) ( applause )
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( applause ) i am in trouble. ( laughter ) of course, donald trump responded immediately. >> so the mexican government fed the pope a tremendous amount of stuff about "trump is not a good person." and the pope just-- can you imagine? i just got a call, as i'm walking up here. they said, "mr. trump, the pope made a statement about you." i said, "the pope? what did the pope say? i like the pope. i mean, was it good or bad? because if it's good, i like the pope. if it's bad, i don't like the pope." ( laughter ) >> stephen: you've got to respect his honesty. it is like jesus said, "blessed are the poor, unless they said something bad about me, then screw 'em." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i want to try to broker a peace between these two men. mr. trump, mr. pope-- ( laughter )
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name. is it possible that you guys are fighting because you have so much in common? after all, you both think you're infallible. and you both sit on golden thrones. and you both wear very silly things on your heads. ( laughter ) ( applause ) of course-- of course, donald trump had to have the last word: >> so i just wrote this out very quickly about the pope. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: not really. because we have got a really great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) first, i'll be talking to the star of "madam secretary," tea leoni, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. then i'll sit down with the lovely amanda peet, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) then i'll be talking to my old friend, triumph the insult comic
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) oh! that-- that band over there is jon batiste and the stay human experience. they are about to kick this off, but before they do, one more thing: a new study found that will make you appear less racist. i don't know if that's true, but that is what my buddy jose said. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes tea leoni! from hbo's "togetherness," amanda peet! triumph the insult comic dog!
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human!" and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! well, i'm so glad you guys are here. there is nothing more important to me-- and i mean this, there is nothing more important to me than being honest with my audience. and i learned my lesson, the night i tried to pass off a mop with sunglasses as leonardo dicaprio. ( laughter ) though it worked out for the mop-- he is dating kate upton now. so i want to be up front with you right from the beginning, and admit that, occasionally, we get paid to feature a sponsor's product on the show. but i have the same high standards for product placement as i do for appearing nude on camera-- it has to be integral
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choice. tonight, one of those things is true. but i think we have managed to make it so organic, you might not even notice. now, on a completely unrelated note, i am feeling a little thirsty right now. you know what would really hit the spot? my favorite beverage... the 2016 mini clubman! taste the steering wheel! with six doors and a massive trunk, the clubman is the biggest mini ever. its surprisingly spacious interior we can fit: civil war re-enactors from opposing sides. that's two confederate soldiers in the front, because they started it, and three union soldiers in the back. they're five brothers from the same family, which is extra tragic. but there's a happy ending, because there is so much room in the clubman, they do not need to fight. because as lincoln never said, "a mini clubman divided against itself cannot stand, but they
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that space to sit." war is hell, but this car is heaven. and that was tonight's commercial integration. ( cheers and applause ) but there are just so many stories out there, i can't possibly decide which to talk about. luckily, i don't have to decide any more because i'm relinquishing editorial control of my show in this new segment: >> audience: wheel! of! news! >> stephen: here's how it works. we have installed a giant spinning wheel on the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater-- ( cheers and applause ) with categories like "entertainment," "politics, "sports," and "guacamole." ( laughter )
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that is fifty cents extra. and when i pull this lever, the wheel spins, then i talk about whatever category the wheel lands on. but, here's the thing. i didn't give the guys enough time to finish the dome. totally my fault. so here's what we're going to do-- okay, this guy right here, come on up here. this guy holding the pole-- this guy holding the pole, right here-- ( cheers and applause ) this is brendan hurley. say hi, brendan. say hi to brendan, everybody! ( cheering ) brendan is frequently under my desk; matter of fact, if you saw the bernie sanders sandwiches thing the other night, he was actually under the desk feeding me sandwiches the entire time, on plates. ( cheers and applause ) okay, and brendan is also a scenic here, which means he makes things for the show, and that dome up there is actually
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okay? and it was all supposed to be up there, based on this, but that's not working, so we're actually going to use the model it's based on to do this tonight. all right, so i'm going to spin the wheel and when it stops, i will do the thing, okay? i'll do the thing. you guys ready to play? ( cheering ) show business! ( laughter ) all right, and-- no, you have to make the clicky sound. >> okay. tick tick tick tick tick... tick... tick. >> stephen: keep ticking! keep ticking. >> tick tick tick tick tick... tick... tick... >> stephen: oh! it landed on "cheese news." ( cheers and applause ) ding, ding, ding? >> ding, ding, ding, ding! ( laughter ) >> stephen: the latest hard or even semisoft news about curdled dairy.
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from the parmesan wars, because the u.s.d.a. revealed that some cheese suppliers of grated parmesan cheese have been adding wood pulp. that's right. ( audience reacts ) that's what i said. it turns out, your parmesan has been sporting wood. now they explain this wood pulp is just cellulose which is used as an anti-clumping agent. and sure, i'm sure you're saying, "a little anti-clumping agent never hurt anyone." but it turns out, it is a lot of it. a sample of parmesan from one grocery chain was 8.8% wood pulp. but on the plus side, your lasagna is as sturdy as an ikea bookshelf. ( laughter ) now personally, i am outraged by this breach of trust. i don't check on what goes into my mouth, but i have always assumed that someone does. now! ( laughter ) more news!
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okay. why don't you spin it, you spin it. hold on. hold on, ready? you spin it. do you have anything i can pull as the lever? give me your other hand. you spin it with that hand, give me your other hand. okay, ready? >> tick, tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: oh, oh, oh! oh, looks like it might be "mini clubman integration." and, oh, it lands on "mental health." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, great. mental health is a topic that is not covered enough in our media, and it is important to take a moment to shine a light on it. a beautiful light like... the interior ambient lighting molded into the 2016 mini clubman doors! ( cheers and applause ) and that's it-- that's it for "mental health." let's spin again! >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick!
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>> tick... tick... tick... >> stephen: "a recent study!" according to a recent study, people who are significantly overweight may perceive distances as being greater than they actually are. which explains the old joke "yo mamma is so fat, her depth perception is wildly inaccurate." ( laughter ) and let's spin again! ( cheers and applause ) >> tick, tick, tick... >> stephen: "clip without context!" jim? ( hillary barking ) let's spin again! let's spin again! i will love you forever for being with me at this moment. which one is this one? "switchblade laws!" like most knife news, this one comes from wisconsin:
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to paper today to sign new legislation lifting the ban on concealed switchblades. the governor says it's a measure protecting freedom supported by the constitution. the ban on switchblades had been in effect since the 1950s. >> stephen: that's right. scott walker has lifted wisconsin's 60-year-old ban on concealed switchblades. i applaud the governor; switchblades are the important issue of 2016. because let's say you are just cruising down to the malt shop with your best gal, only to run into some toughs who want to race you for the pinks to your t-bird. you have got a constitutional right to take out your blade and slice that letter right off his varsity jacket. remember, rumbles can happen at any time, anywhere -- sock hops, five-and-dimes, the old aqueduct, the quarry, jimmy's garage where they let you smoke after school. without your blade, you could end up deadsville, daddy-o. keep in mind, if you are new to it, it is important to toss the
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ooh, ready, ha, easy action! that way they never know which hand you are coming at them with. give me some news, brendon! ( cheers and applause ) >> tick, tick, tick. tick, tick, tick... >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> tick, tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: "national monuments!" >> national monuments? tick, tick, ding! ( laughter ) >> stephen: the national park service says a philanthropist is donating $18.5 million to help restore the lincoln memorial. hopefully, that is enough to make lincoln stand up and talk-- like he does at disney world. personally, i think the money would be better spent on the washington monument. that thing looks nothing like him. oh, there you go. there you go. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) let's pretend i spun it!
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>> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: "five second saxophone solo!" hit it, eddy! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: more news! "a recent study!" it landed on "a recent study," let's say. another recent study says humans and neanderthals inter-bred 50,000 years earlier than previously thought, proving something else is 50,000 years older than we thought: beer goggles. ( laughter ) want to try? want to try? we're going for entertainment. >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick, tick... tick... tick... tick, tick... >> stephen: i've gone around all
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i don't think it's on here! >> ding! >> stephen: there it is! "entertainment!" ( cheers and applause ) the oscar producers are now promising that this telecast will be "the most diverse ever." that's right, people of every race, color, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wins. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, that's it, folks! let's give it one more spin! is it on here? it better be on here! it's the out to this whole act! i don't know! ( cheers and applause ) there it is! ready? zzz-zzz-zzz! oh! "commercial break!"
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leoni! so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why?
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( band playing )
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welcome back, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back! my first guest tonight is a star of television and film, who now plays the lead role on the cbs drama "madam secretary." please welcome, tea leoni! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: lovely to have you on! lovely to have you here. >> thank you, so much! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's some lovely bling you've got there. >> thank you. it's all real. >> stephen: i thought it was a dollar bill. i couldn't quite tell what that symbol was there. well, congratulations on "madam secretary." >> thank you. >> stephen: you know, no secret to you, when a lot of people see this, they think she's playing hillary clinton, right? >> yes. >> stephen: secretary of state, blonde. >> blonde. >> stephen: powerful. >> blonde. >> stephen: yes.
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>> they do, but i promise you, i-- i didn't have hillary in mind. >> stephen: really? i think she maybe had hillary in mind. and i'll prove it to you. we had her on a couple of months ago and this is what she said. jim, can you roll the clip? >> stephen: what do you binge watch? do you have a-- have a show you really like? >> i do like "madam secretary." >> stephen: oh, you do? >> i do. >> stephen: don't just say that because it's a cbs show. >> no, because i watch "madam secretary" and i watch "good wife." >> stephen: all right? >> wow. now that's good. >> stephen: there you have it, there you have it, okay? >> now, i would be lying if i said i didn't play that clip over and over again. ( laughter ) >> stephen: have you learned anything about the state department, playing this role? do you think, because-- >> oh, yes. >> stephen: because people don't think about the state department a lot. they think, it's sort of like the part of the government we forget about. >> i think that's true, i do think that's true, and actually i think maybe the greatest compliment that i got was from madeleine albright, former secretary of state, who said, "thank you for making foreign policy less foreign." and i thought--
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>> that was-- i took it. ( cheers and applause ) and i think that's somewhat true. >> stephen: she consults on the show, right? >> well, she was on the show, yes. and we got some stories out of her that were pretty great. >> stephen: does she think that what you're doing is accurate? is she like, "ahh, it would be like..." >> well, sometimes she gets a little mad at me. >> stephen: for what? >> just for, you know, not doing it right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what-- what are you doing wrong? >> i-- i occasionally-- >> stephen: "that's not how i would ask for a drone strike!" ( laughter ) >> no, listen, she would-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are you doing wrong? >> oh, gosh, i don't know. she's very picky, you know. she was secretary of state. she knows the gig and-- >> stephen: you don't get that gig without-- >> --and she'll say, "no, that would never happen." >> stephen: what have you done, that would never happen? >> oh, you know-- >> stephen: because the show actually holds-- >> i have been blown up, already, season one. >> stephen: oh, yeah? well, you look fabulous!
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>> thank you. mother. >> yes. >> stephen: would you rather state, with vladimir putin or with teenagers? because, they can be like terrorists. ( laughter ) >> yes, it's true. i think i could negotiate with putin, because i have teenagers. ( applause ) >> stephen: they're relentless. >> yes. i have a 13-year-old boy. putin's a breeze. >> stephen: nothing, exactly. >> yeah. >> stephen: i understand that your son sort of convinced you to take this gig. he said, "mom, you've got to go, get out of the house," or what was it? ( laughter ) >> yes, well, you know, he said, "i think that you can--" i hadn't worked in a few years and he said, "you know, i've got this"-- he's 12 at the time-- >> stephen: i'd like you to leave. >> yes! in essence, it was, "listen, go back, get out there, you know?" have this experience-- >> stephen: i want this for you,
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>> yes! and i took that as, i really, i thought it was this very beautiful moment between us and i said, "okay, here i go!" you know, and i did. i went-- i returned. and you know, you have your ups and your downs. it's hard. you work these kind of hours and-- actually, i thought it was going very well, i will tell you this, until halloween, and my son, i said, "so, baby, what are you going to be for halloween?" he's not too old. he said, "i'm going to be an old-fashioned lobster." ( laughter ) and the first thought, i thought, "that's creative, that's good." i thought, "oh, my god, i'm not there! he's smoking dope!" ( laughter ) like, this is a disaster! and this rage of guilt, like, i'm always working and he's clearly-- it's probably coke! ( laughter ) and i'm thinking, and then i'm running and driving home and
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old fashioned lobster, of course there will be the oven mitts, that part's obvious. what's the rest of this thing going to be? and i walked in and he was an old fashioned mobster! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and so, phew! >> stephen: did you tell him you thought lobster? >> no. >> stephen: no? don't ever tell him you thought lobster. >> i will never tell him, and he's not watching because he's not impressed. >> stephen: good. he's going to go, is she smoking dope? ( laughter ) well, stick around, i'd love to talk to you a little bit more. we'll be right back with more tea leoni.
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( band playing )
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>> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented tea leoni! ( cheers and applause ) i understand, one week from tonight, you are turning 50 years old. congratulations. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: what? >> i'm turning 59. >> stephen: you're turning 59 years old? wow! ( cheers and applause ) wow! well, i mean, still congratulations, but-- i mean you look great for any age, but amazing! ( laughter ) >> here's the thing... i've figured out that women lie about their age-- you should not lie about your age. but they lie the wrong way! ( laughter ) >> stephen: are you not going to turn 59? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're actually turning 50? >> maybe. ( laughter ) my point is-- >> stephen: so the point is-- >> if you lie, like women going the wrong way--
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40. >> wow, if you're turning 40, you look like crap. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. >> and if i say, i'm turning 59, people are like, "wow! you look pretty good for 59!" >> stephen: well, you look pretty good for 50! you look pretty good for any age! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: did i understand your plan was not to be an actress, that this thing was sort of a happy accident for you, that you were going to be an anthropologist? >> yes. >> stephen: like, what kind of anthropologist-- there is a lot of different anthropology out there. like, were you going to study, like, native peoples? >> i-- yes! >> stephen: really? >> and i was really-- i was very, very good at it. >> stephen: you were good at anthropology? >> i was really good at it. >> stephen: oh, man, i have the anthropology game down! ( laughs ) i can deal! do you want to anthropolojize? >> i'm telling you-- >> stephen: let's do it. let's throw down, anthropology. like, how do you get good at anthropology? i don't understand! i totally get your tribal crafts! ( laughter ) >> you are so wrong! >> stephen: like, what, what is
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what kind of anthropology? >> well, yes, that sort of classic anthropology. i was doing it in college, i was very good at it. i was very curious about people. >> stephen: so why didn't you go for it? >> i was going to go for it, and then my dad said to me, "before you become an anthropologist, you should go to a cocktail party with a bunch of anthropologists." ( laughter ) >> stephen: what does that mean? what does that mean? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought, oh! you know, academics-- no offense-- but it was sort of-- i wasn't really cut out-- >> stephen: so you went to a cocktail party? how did you find one? >> no, i-- you know what? ( laughter ) second problem-- >> stephen: there is no craigslisting for-- for anthropologists. so, you went, you hung out with these people-- >> no, i didn't have to. i got it. i got it. when dad said, i knew what he meant. i was mad, you know, because i was on this- i thought i'd found it, you know? >> stephen: so your fall-back position was "actress?" ( laughter )
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>> no, that was just a little trick i played on my dad. but i think the advice that he gave me, he said, "don't do something because you're good at it. do it because you're passionate about it and you will get good at it." and that was really smart. that was great advice. ( cheers and applause ) so, i don't know, i mean, i still, to this day-- >> stephen: yep? >> i do think i would make a better anthropologist than an actor. >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah, i think i'd be great. >> stephen: give me your favorite, like, "not a culture that you grew up in" that interests you. >> the tiwi indians of new guinea. >> stephen: i knew it! >> i nailed that! ( laughter ) right? >> stephen: i knew immediately, yeah, yeah. you would have been an extremely sexy anthropologist. >> wow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you really would have. you really would have. >> thank you. >> stephen: you could have played yourself later. ( laughter ) well, tea, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: it's really been a pleasure. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you guys. >> stephen: "madam secretary" airs sundays at 8:00, 7:00
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tea leoni is 73 years old, everybody! we'll be right back! ( band playing ) pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
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why can't i buy this weird, shaved-meat sandwich with my phone? why can't my battery last long enough to navigate me through these scary woods? ugh. eh, probably fine though. [lightning strike] why doesn't my phone work after i pour this expensive champagne all over it? how am i 'sposed to show people how rich and carefree i am?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is now starring in "togetherness" on hbo. ( baby crying ) >> what happened! what is this? oh, god. can you not put the carton back? ( screaming ) >> stephen: please welcome amanda peet! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> hi! hi everyone! >> stephen: what an amazingly beautiful dress. >> oh, well, thank you. >> stephen: it looks like it's stitched together with flowers. it's amazing. >> it's like a big quilt. a big doily. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's lovely. exactly. >> why do i-- yeah, i should just stop talking. >> stephen: no, not at all. you have to keep talking for the next seven minutes, at least. >> oy, oy. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of
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>> thank you! >> stephen: and i really love the show, "togetherness." >> i'm a huge fan of yours. >> stephen: that's very nice. we can just keep this up for the next seven minutes and i will be absolutely happy as a clam. >> we'll bore everyone to death. >> stephen: you have kids of your own, right? >> i do, i have three kids, which is sort of like three million kids. >> stephen: are you going to go for a fourth? >> what!? >> stephen: you're already in a zone defense. you're already maximally inconvenienced, so go for a fourth. >> no! i'm 44 years old. i'm actually 44. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tea leoni is 85 years old! >> wow! she looks hot! >> stephen: she moisturizes! >> something! >> stephen: it's amazing! i've got to get some of that! >> no, there's no more time to have any more children. >> stephen: but you just had-- you've got, like, a one-year- old. >> i know, and by the skin of his teeth he made it here! ( laughter ) he's a little miracle baby. >> stephen: "skin of your teeth" is not how you make a baby.
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i don't want to shock anybody. i'll write it down for you. see, you get the thing and the thing goes like that, yeah, that's how it works. ( laughter ) that's exactly how it works. kind of works that way. anyway, we'll have this up on the web site later. ( laughter ) just click the "i'm over 18" button, and i'll show you the little drawing. ( laughter ) i didn't know, you could have adopted. i don't know. >> i have a really bad cough, and i was like, "oh no, he's going to make me laugh! and then i'm going to have to--" >> stephen: you have a bad cough? do you want a-- do you want a-- do you want a ricola? >> sure! >> stephen: ricola! ( laughter ) there you go. you know, you could just tear off part of your dress. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there you go. i haven't touched it. there you go. there you go. glamour. such glamour. >> what has happened? >> stephen: what? >> what has happened? >> stephen: we're just having fun! >> okay. >> stephen: we're just having fun! now, your-- your--
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( laughter ) >> stephen: your illustrious husband is one of the creators of "game of thrones." >> he is, yes. >> stephen: do you ever want to be on that show? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: i want to be on that show, too. >> are you serious? >> stephen: oh, man, yeah! i have-- the thing is, i haven't watched much of it, i've read all the books. and i'm saving it until i finish all the books, before i watch any of it. but i watched one episode, but my kid was in the room and i was like, "i cannot watch this episode." >> no, you can't. >> stephen: but, what would you want to be on the show? >> i just-- i want to be a swordswoman. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) >> what do you want to be? >> stephen: i want to die a really horrific death! >> yeah, me, too! >> stephen: i want to die like this, going, "please, my lord, no!" >> right, with blood gurgling. >> stephen: blood gurgling out of my body. >> should we do it? >> stephen: you and i could fight together on the show. >> and maybe david would put you on the show. >> stephen: that would be fun. >> can you die with an english accent? ( laughter ) >> stephen: please, me lord! not me guts! ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> david, david! >> stephen: that's pretty good-- that's good enough. that's good enough, come on! you're on another hbo show, called "togetherness." which, as i said, i really love that show. i had one of the-- i had the duplass' over here the other day. your character, a lot of these people are in their mid-life crises, in their 40s. >> yes. >> stephen: well, you have a lovely life. what do you know from the mid- life crisis? is this a stretch for you? >> no! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you don't look like a person in crisis to me. >> i-- i-- you know, 44 is really-- it's quite something. how come all the women on the show are talking about their ages tonight? >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. ( laughter ) so what was your crisis? >> well, it's ongoing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so, i'm catching you mid-crisis right now? >> yes. but, you know how some men hit middle age and get a motorcycle? well, i had a baby. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> my son henry-- >> stephen: he's like your
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motorcycle. >> stephen: that's lovely. that's lovely. well, what do you-- >> he keeps me-- >> stephen: what do you worry about? i mean, like, mid-life crisis is often like "face your own--?" >> i fear death. >> stephen: death? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. well, maybe-- let's-- >> i wonder about-- >> stephen: we all die. we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. ( laughter ) it's a late-night talk show, keep it light. keep it light. maybe you'll go to heaven. maybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help, because you're catholic, right? >> stephen: i am, i am. >> and i'm jewish, so we're the same. ( laughter ) >> stephen: kind of, yes, catholics are the jews of christianity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> well, what do you believe?! >> stephen: so what do you need? >> i need to know what to believe in! >> stephen: like what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! >> stephen: well, ah, i-- >> i want to haunt my children! ( laughter ) you're marrying who?!
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like that, i want david and i to be ghosts, in the-- >> stephen: like in, like "beetlejuice!" ( laughter ) do you know what, i don't know what happens. i've got the whole-- i kind of believe, i kind of want the pearly gates and all that. >> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want all of that. i want classic. give me classic coke heaven, is what i want. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that-- honest to god-- i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and-- and-- and-- this really happened-- i go to heaven, and heaven is like, instead of crossing the river styx, you had to cross a really nice hollywood pool and there was a row boat being pulled by dwayne "the rock" johnson! ( applause ) ( laughter ) no, that's what happened! and all i could think about-- and all i could think about is that-- i was worried-- do they have diet coke in heaven? because i really have a diet coke problem. >> stephen, this is really not inspirational. >> stephen: not helping? ( laughter ) well, amanda, this has been lovely, so nice to have you here. please come again, when you're feeling well.
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put some purell on it? ( laughter ) season two of "togetherness" premieres this sunday on hbo. amanda peet, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side representative. 3d touch on iphone 6s respondsto the pressure of your finger. so you can do a ton of stuff in a lot less time. like look at a site without going to it. or watch a video without opening it. you can do pretty much everything faster.
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a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight is one of america's leading canine comedians, now re-inventing himself as a political commentator: >> hey, one question! over here! senator! is it true you tried to shut down the government so you could go to a nickelback concert? >> no way! all right, i'm never going to get to this guy. i can tell.
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( laughter ) hey, cruz! up here! you can't run away forever! >> stephen: please welcome triumph, the insult comic dog. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you very much! thank you! thank you! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's my pleasure! how's the show going? >> stephen: you-- well, haven't you been watching it? >> oh, no, i'm sorry. i-- i was schtooping a cairn terrier backstage. i always do it before i'm on. it's a pre-show tip i got from bill mahr. ( laughter ) a little ritual i do. >> stephen: well, congratulations on the new special-- it's on-- it's on-- ( laughs ) >> thank you! the new special on hulu! here, give it back. on hulu, ladies and gentlemen!
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( laughter ) all your favorite network shows with all your favorite commercials as well! hulu! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, you've got great reviews! >> i've gotten amazing reviews! >> stephen: you've got fantastic reviews. >> incredible reviews, everywhere! >> stephen: are you getting these good reviews just because the show's good or are you bribing these guys? >> wait a minute! after i get a good review, i sent to one critic a nice photo from my personal stash of dog porn. >> stephen: these are actual photos that you have sent to critics-- >> because i tweeted this out to-- who's this one to? >> stephen: --who said nice things to you? this is someone from-- >> stephen: someone from the "new york star ledger." >> oh, the decider. oh, no, this is the sepinwall, alan sepinwall. he was very grateful. i do this to motivate other critics to write reviews, that's all. these are rewards. >> stephen: here's-- here's-- here's one you sent to a blogger. >> yes, the decider. it was an excellent review. >> stephen: and this one you actually sent to judd apatow. this is my favorite one.
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( laughter ) you know, i want to encourage the showbiz community. >> stephen: okay, so you're trying to be-- you're trying to be like an honest-to-god journalist now? you're going out there and-- >> exactly. >> stephen: and you're covering the campaign as if you were a journalist. >> yes. >> stephen: but the jokes you're doing are pretty low brow. you have to admit-- >> oh, really! just think, millions of tvs are tuned in to the show right now because the whole nation fell asleep during "elementary." ( laughter ) >> stephen: you've gotten into the race a little bit later than other people. are there any other people who have already dropped out of the race who you miss? >> yes, i interacted with a lot of them in the special, but since then, chris christie's dropped out. i'm sorry about that. >> stephen: yes, last week. >> i'm worried. now that he's not running for president, i'm worried chris christie might let himself go. ( laughter ) i noticed this-- even though
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scheduled. tomorrow at denny's, by himself! ( laughter ) ( rim shot ) now, see, that's a joke i don't make anymore! that's the old triumph! >> stephen: that is-- that is-- ( laughs ) >> the new journalist triumph! >> stephen: well, what about carly fiorina? >> i never got-- >> stephen: carly fiorina has dropped out as well. >> i know, i'm bummed out because i never got to meet carly face to face-lift. ( rim shot ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: so far everything you've talked about are republicans. are you balanced in your criticism of people? do you have any idea of the state of the democrats? what about sanders? >> bernie, yeah, i don't get it. bernie 2016, that's crazy. the man doesn't look a year over 2000! ( rim shot ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: it doesn't seem like you're taking this job seriously. you seem like you-- have you done your research? >> are you kidding me?! >> stephen: i am not kidding you. >> have i not done my research? do you realize, i went to iowa, new hampshire, i studied every candidate; i read every one of their books! >> stephen: really, every book?

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