tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, jessica, thank you so much for being here. >> of course, my pleasure. >> stephen: i want to tell you, i'm a huge fan of your honest company. i use your products all the time. >> thank you, that's so great. >> stephen: you know what's so great? your shampoo. e >> really? is it working out for you? >> stephen: you bet! whoa... ( laughter ) that's amazing. >> stephen: yeah. i also take your prenatal vitamins every day. >> why would you need those? ( laughter ) ah... is it a boy or a girl? >> stephen: it's a burrito.
>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, jessica alba, bradley whitford and george takei, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) oh! woo-hoo! man! ( cheers and applause )
thank you very much! welcome to the "late show." thank you so much. please v a seat! thank you so much. you're very kind! welcome to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. the first presidential debate is monday, september 26. we will be live. join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be a lot of fun. but, last night, they held like an appetizer debate. an amuse douche, if you will. ( laughter ) it was called the "commander-in-chief forum." hillary clinton and donald trump answering questions about national security. it was the first time the two of them were in the same room since trump's wedding. ( laughter ) it took place right here in new york, on the aircraft carrier "intrepid." it was a great night. once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were
bon voyage! ( cheers and applause ) bye-bye! (piano riff) say hi to the somali pirates! ( laughter ) now, officially, it wasn't a debate. hillary clinton was interviewed for the first half hour, and trump the second. in her half, she accused trump of lying about opposing the iraq war, and then later trump fired back. >> i hapd against the war in iraq. i was totally against the war in iraq. from a-- you can look at "esquire" magazine from '04. you can look at before that. >> stephen: now, we did look before that, and there are audio recordings of him saying he did support the war, as well as some pretty damning recordings of everything else he's ever said. ( laughter ) but the biggest question of the night was how the candidates
everyone's time. >> you said this: "we're going to convene my top generals, and they will have 30 days to submit a plan for soundly and quickly defeating isis." so is the plan you've been hiding this whole time, asking someone else for their plan? >> no. but when i do come up with a plan that i like and that perhaps agrees with mine, or maybe doesn't, i may love what the generals come back with, i will convene -- be, i don't want to-- look, i have a very substantial chance of winning -- make america great again. we're gonna make america great again. >> stephen: just to recap, he has a plan he hasn't come up with, but if the generals bring him a plan that is similar to the plan he doesn't have, he may go with that plan, which he can't tell us about because it's a secret plan that he does not have-- make america great again. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: is it all there? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: is it all of it? i think that might have covered all of it. but since last night was not technically a debate, there's no real winner. but many have declared a loser: matt lauer. the subject was national security, and the "today show" host was an obvious choice for moderator. here he is, weighing in on military intervention in syria. last night, twitter tore him a new tweet hole with criticisms saying, "matt lauer's interviews of clinton and trump were a complete disgrace to journalism." which i think is unfair. come on. a complete disgrace to journalism would be matt lauer dressing up as paris hilton. ( laughter ) although, paris has more foreign policy experience. ( laughter ) many critics slammed lauer for asking hillary clinton the same
"could you hurry up already?" >> this is an important issue. i will talk quickly. >> i'm fast running out of time. as briefly as you can. >> but i just want to say just >> i've got 30 seconds left. >> stephen: many critics slammed -- >> stephen: it's like pizza delivery, if you can't get your answer out in 30 seconds, russia gets ukraine. and if last night's forum made you think about voting for a third party, you might want to re-think that thinking because this morning libertarian presidential candidate gary johnston was on the msnbc and he had a little trouble answering a
>> what would you do, if you were elected, about aleppo? >> about? >> aleppo. >> and what is aleppo? >> you're kidding. >> no. >> aleppo is in syria. it's the epicenter of the refugee crisis. >> okay. got it, got it. >> stephen: got it. got it. aleppo. aleppo. i thought you said "a leopard." i was like, "what would i do about a leopard? probably run away from it." but let's talk about tyr town of alpo-- obviously, that's where they make the dog food. next question. ( laughter ) that is embarassing. i haven't seen someone go blank like that since i was asked, "who is gary johnson?" >> jon: whoa, whoa! (piano riff) ( applause ) >> stephen: i've interviewed him four times. seriously, who is gary johnson?
election. hey, do you guys remember ammon bundy? the guy who lead a standoff with police at an oregon wildlife refuge. well, he is headed to court and it sounds like he has a good lawyer-- because they are fighting for his right to dress like a cowboy at his trial. yeah, why shouldn't he be able to dress like a cowboy? the judge gets to wear a cool wizard's robe! ( laughter ) a-guilty! expect-o some jail time! ( laughter ) according to his lawyer, if bundy can't dress like a cowboy, he won't seem authentic and the jury won't believe him. yeah. same way john wayne gacey never would've been convicted if he showed up to court wearing the
personally, i think bundy should be allowed to go to court dressed like a cowboy, so long as his defense team is made up of a construction worker, an indian, a cop, a soldier, and a biker. all right? ( cheers and applause ) mix it up. i haven't been to a wedding in a while. ( laughter ) this is easily the biggest legal battle over western wear since our drummer right to play jazz while dressed like a sheriff. ( laughter ) jazz cowboy! ( applause ) jazz cowboy! jazz cowboy! the cattle rustlers is coming to town. you gotta fight them off with syncopation. ? ? ? jazz cowboy! jazz cowboy!
h-yah! ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show tonight. jessica alba is here. and when we return, i will be talking about a man named donald trump. stick around. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) jazz cowboy! fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. going to the skate park today? maybe... you can make it gr-r-reat! ?
? i don't think that's how they're made. klondike hooks up with tasty flavors... the best ice cream bars ever conceived. i thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. wearing depend underwear has allowed me to fully engage in my life and i'm meeting people. unlike the bargain brand, new depend fit-flex underwear is now more flexible to move with you. nnect with the life you've been missing. get a free sample at depend.com. nnect with the life you've been missing. ha-ha-ha! um-hmmm! hey! nikki! what are you doing here? you tell me, stephen. what? i'm snapping. you've been streaming my videos all morning. now you're with this thing? no! it's not you! it's verizon! they limit my data. i had to choose. come on, girl. let's get us a man with unlimited data. why pay verizon more for data limits?
hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. bob kidder, owner, new england shirt company:
this over sixty people here making shirts labled made in america. but donald trump's brand of shirts come from china, his suits from mexico, his coats from india. trump's products have been made in twelve other countries because he says there's no place in america that he can make them. well there is. you know donald trump says he'll make america great again while ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody!
human"! ( cheers and applause ) let me ask you folks here... any of you guys go to trump university? one guy? ( laughter ) you will never forget those college memories. and you really shouldn't forget. they're important for the lawsuit. a couple years back, trump u. was being investigated for fraud. there were so many complaints from former students that even florida was considering an investigation. and their state seal is someone dumping a body. true story. it's true. we didn't make that up. that's true. ( applause ) but florida's attorney general and stepmom, who can't understand why you don't warm up to her, pam bondi, decided not to investigate trump u. nobody knows why, but now it's come out that, right before she made the decision, a pac supporting her campaign received
now, attorney general bondi has denied that her office's decision not to join the lawsuit against trump university had anything to do with the money. and i am sure it also had nothing to do with the fact that trump held a fundraiser for her right after she dropped the investigation. so one thing's for sure: pam bondi is the first person ever to make money from trump university. ( applause ) other than donald trump. other than donald trump. now, i don't know attorney general bondi, and i don't know if she has questionable ethics, so i googled her and found this old article: "pam bondi stole my dog." ( laughter ) okay! that seems bad. but let's hear whole story. apparently, after hurricane katrina, the humane society rescued hundreds of dogs, and bondi adopted one of them in
( audience reacts ) yeah, there's more to the story. ( laughter ) because a year later, the family that originally owned the dog traced it to the tampa bay area, but bondi didn't want to give up the dog, which led to a 16-month fight with a family of katrina victims. but hey, everyone hates katrina victims, right? ( laughter ) perhaps the worst detail for bondi in this case that she changed the st. bernard's name to "noah," from "master tank." that dog had the greatest name in the world and you changed it! seriously, what sounds better, "time for dinner, noah!" or "the meat-feast is arrayed before you, master tank. take what is yours." ( cheers and applause ) i just want to point out, refusing to give back a dog to flood victims but naming the dog after the most famous flood victim of all time is cold. "hi, i'm pam, this is my
now, bondi did eventually surrender the dog. that family must have made a huge contribution. i don't know. ( laughter ) but let's get back to the other shaggy beast, donald trump. ( laughter ) he said "yeah, i cut the check, but it's only because i like her so much. i'm not the kind of guy who expects favors in exchange for political donations." which makes me wonder-- who's this guy? >> i give to everybody. when they call, i give. and you know what? when i need something from them two years later, three years later, i call them. they are there for me. and that's a broken system. well, i'll tell you what, with hillary clinton, i said, "be at my wedding," and she came to my wedding. you know why? she had no choice, because i gave. i've given to everybody. because that was my job. i got to give to them. when i want something, i get it. when i call, they kiss my ass, okay?
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! nice to see you, too! >> stephen: how are you? i'm great. >> stephen: what is this? wrist. i'm sorry. i just saw that. it caught my eye. >> yes, you did, didn't you? that was called my first breakup. >> stephen: really? who was that with? >> this guy. ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's move on. is that his name? >> no. no. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> it means the manifestation of spiritual beauty.
and i felt like, after i broke up with him, i, like, found myself again. it's, like, unnecessary to talk about this. he's, like, a famous actor ( laughter ) >> stephen: doesn't sound interesting at all. ( laughter ) okay. besides being a famously tattooed person, now, you are a movie star. you're a name above the title movie star, and you went and founded your own hair what would you call what you do now? what is the honest company? >> it's a cpg company. >> stephen: what is cpg. consumer package goods. >> stephen: how is that different than another company? aren't all packaged goods for consumers? >> yes, but that's the category they put them in. >> stephen: okay. i make laundry detergents and floor cleaners. >> stephen: like you do if you're a movie star.
star to, you know what? i'm going to make laundry detergent. >> when i was pregnant with my first kid more than eight years ago, i actually had an allergic reaction to a laundry detergent and i was horrified someone like me could have alreaction to something that wasmaticked for babies. my mom recommended i use it. i googled what the heck was in this thing that could cause this type of reaction and i learned about a lot of ingr toxic chemicals and potentially harmful chemicals. >> stephen: this is actually meant for a baby, to, like, toughen up the baby? ( laughter ) >> there are certain products that are marketed to people who have babies, and i just didn't realize that, you know, there te are potentially harmful chemicals in everyday products you can get off the shelf at your regular stores. so i was, like, i don't want to
things that could cause an allergic reaction. so i had an idea to come up with this company that had clean ingredients but performed well, affordably priced, beautifully designed and delivered to your door! >> stephen: nicely done! just rang all the bells right there. ( applause ) how on earth -- your web site is honest.com. >> yes. >> stephen: how on earth did you get honest.com? that had to have been taken by a that. who did you take that from? please be honest. >> luckily, it wasn't an adult site, but there was someone who was just sitting on it and waiting for someone to buy it. >> stephen: they were, like, it's jessica alba! >> they didn't know it was me at first. >> stephen: uh-huh. i don't know if the guy ever knew it was me. >> stephen: he knows now. it was not cheap, by the way. >> stephen: you could afford it now. it's over a billion-dollar
other people have put on my company, but -- >> stephen: i just put a billion dollars on it right now. i'm about to make it a $2 billion company by the end of this interview, if you just play your cards right. >> everyone go on and get some products! >> stephen: you're a big mogul, okay? you're a cpg mogul, okay. does that affect the decisionous make about what kind of movies you want to do? because you're still making films, statham called mechanic resurrection. it's different because it's like do you want to go to thailand and do a fun action movie with jason statham for ten days? i was, like, sure? >> stephen: maybe get another tattoo. >> maybe not. it's just less dramatic.
i wanted to make sure it was on a global scale and a franchise, and now i just want to have fun. >> stephen: what is a tent pole franchise? like a circus movie? >> it reaches multiple demographics and it's kind of a movie for everyone across the world. >> stephen: does business just come naturally to you? because you seem to have an understanding of how businesses conversation we've had now. >> i weirdly approached hollywood as a business but now i have an actual business is that but you're the product as an actress, constantly selling yourself. >> that's true. ( laughter ) absolutely, it's true. >> stephen: yeah. for me, as an actress, in movies, i was never control of the distribution, the marketing, the final cut, the edit, so so much of my life really was in
so it was quite frustrating to try to be -- because i like to control things -- so to try to control my destiny as an actress. >> stephen: let's talk about the things you're controlling now. >> in products, i can do other things. >> stephen: here are some of the products. >> we launched a beauty line called honest beauty. we're in yo ulta beauty storts. >> stephen: what do we have here? >> sea salt spray. >> stephen: tasty? no, no, don't put it in your mouth! >> stephen: that's really salty. want some? come on, i had some. >> no, no! >> stephen: tastes like sea halt. >> there's hem layian sea salt in there. >> stephen: so it's honest. there's nothing harmful. it's the honest company. >> no, no, no, not allowed to do that. >> stephen: put this on popcorn. >> not no! >> stephen: jessica alba says you can put it on popcorn.
ya, the flavor stays with you. ( laughter ) okay. what is this right here? these are a new line of diapers. >> we did a limited edition collection of diapers. there are bipartisan diapers. there is so much craziness outs there in the world. >> stephen: they have donkeys and elephants on them. >> holding hands. >> stephen: isn't that sweet? babies don't see blue or red, colors, race, all they do is >> stephen: you've given them a symbol of our democracy for them to poop on. ( applause ) >> touche! >> stephen: one of our producers' kids use these. he says they're great. >> a lot of people want us to make them in your size. ( laughter ) not you, but, you know, big size. >> stephen: you talked about
it out. >> stephen: they're holding hands. >> they are. >> stephen: why? because they just love each other. ( laughter ) >> stephen: not because they're about to jump off the cliff together? >> maybe so. >> stephen: well, listen, i'm always needing a little bit of help up top. >> a little volume? >> stephen: the ladies love the volume. can you fluff me? >> can i come behind? >> stephen: sure. i get to play hair dresser. i love this. i'm going to put some sea salt spray. >> stephen: all right. a bit of that. >> stephen: while she's doing this -- ( cheering ) thank you. what are you putting on my head? >> volumizeing spray. doesn't it smell good? >> stephen: it does. fan t.s.a. a -- fantastic. >> i wanted the hair products to
to go to a resort to have you do this. ( applause ) >> look at that. >> stephen: that's fantastic! let me put my glasses on and see what you've done. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: why, miss alba, i'm beautiful! >> hipster millennial! ( laughter ) >> stephen: stand up and we can be together. you sit down. i'll do your hair now. the honest company's "love today" diapers and everything else are available on honest.com. jessica alba, everybody! we'll be right back with bradley whitford.
esurance does auto insurance a smarter way. like their photo claims tool. it helps settle your claim quickly, which saves time, which saves money. and when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world. esurance, an allstate company. click or call. esurance does insurance a smarter way, which saves money. like bundling home and auto coverage, which reduces red tape, which saves money. and when they save, you save. that's home and auto insurance for the modern world.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to my volumized hair already in my next guest is the emmy-winning star of such shows as "the west wing" and "transparent". he now appears in the movie "other people." please welcome bradley whitford!
>> a big theater you have here. >> stephen: isn't it a beautiful theater? the ed sullivan theater. very lucky to be here. >> yes. >> stephen: i may be volumized but you are really outdistinguishing me tonight. >> it turned white when trump got the nomination. >> stephen: all over? all over. ( applause ) >> stephen: you're like anderson cooper head to toe. >> yeah, yeah. i have our -- the closing night party to have the colbert report. >> which was amazing. you came and sang with everybody at the thing. >> when franco was going through all the stuff. >> stephen: with the koreans trying to kill him and everything. >> i go out there and i notice weird security people, and then i realized this is henry kissinger, and i was standing right next to james franco, and
trouble in southeast asia. >> yes, in different ways. >> stephen: exactly. now, at the after-party, you may not be aware of this, but there were a lot of photos taken with you and some of the talented young women who worked for my show. >> yes. >> stephen: and here's the thing, this is what they remember most -- >> oh, no. >> stephen: other than the fact you are unbelievably charming and they love talking to you -- i want to get the "freeze your eggs, it's more affordable than you may think." i'm going to give you an opportunity to respond -- to yourself. what was behind this one, brad whit? >> i think these women often come up to me and talk about their infertility issues. ( laughter ) and i think i stand behind that statement. >> stephen: good.
besides being somebody who was on the west wing for many years, people -- ( cheers and applause ) you were involved in politics. you care about politics. do people come up to you and say, you should run? >> they do. which is change. my standard answer is i have no desire to act that much. ( laughter ) because i've seen that up close, and it's tough. >> stephen: i've seen it close, too. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. this is a very interesting election. >> stephen: it is, yeah. fascinating. >> stephen: the chinese saying, live in interesting times. >> yes, because you go out on a talk show and your publicist says, don't talk about politics too much, and i think she's right, i think actors should not express their political views in public. i think we need to leave it to
( laughter ) don't you think so? >> stephen: i throatily agree. this is an astonishing election to me. i'm sorry to be partisan. >> stephen: no, don't be partisan. >> can i be a little partisan? >> stephen: do you have another option? >> no. ( applause ) no, i'm a huge hillary fan from way back. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: are you pausing? i' i'm a performer. >> stephen: okay. her motivation, as long as i've known her, is to get healthcare for people, get healthcare for children. that's what she spent her life doing. the other guy has spent his life accumulating money on bankruptcies, and i just have to say one more thing -- my publicist is going to be really upset -- >> stephen: is she back stage now opening a vein?
>> i just have to say, this is somebody who says that the president of the united states was not born here, which is un-american! >> stephen: all these things he doesn't know. >> that's un-american and it's racist! i have to say. ( cheers and applause ) with a big r! >> stephen: your publicist just enrolled in a convent. ( laughter ) let's talk about the movie. c >> yes. >> stephen: but a clip here that i want to show, it's about a family dealing with a mother's cancer. >> yes. >> stephen: and yet it's a comedy. >> well, it is -- there are very, very funny moments. there are very difficult moments. what i loved about this movie is a guy named chris kelly who's
based on his experience. and it's i have been through losing my parents, and i just thought this was the most honest, including the humor. i have to say, molly shannon in this movie gives the most unsentimental, brave performance. i think she should be nominated for an oscar. i want everybody to see it. i think she's heartbreaking in it, and hilarious. >> stephen: there's a scene, you play the husband,he is there and you are discussing what happens after she dies. jim? >> i want to be frozen. is that an option? i take the frozen option. >> like a pea? yeah, exactly, like a pea. i want to be frozen and propped up on our couch in our living room to make sure to watch you so you don't want to cheat on me when i'm gone. >> you won't have eyes, because you donated them.
>> see! >> stephen: that's what i'm saying. >> see? ( applause ) we found the funny in the cremation discussion. the great actor from breaking bad, amazing. >> stephen: and from fargo. well, always great to see you. >> well, end career. ( laughter ) >> stephen: glad i was your last interview. "other people" opens tomorrow. bradley whitford, everybody. we'll be right back to celebrate star trek's 50th with george takei. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) don't just think of it as half off late-night apps at applebee's. it's half off the after party, half off the first date, half off girls' night.
before taking his team to state for the first time... gilman: go get it, marcus. go get it. ...coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1% cash back everywhere, every time. at places like the batting cages. ? [ crowd cheers ] 2% back at grocery stores and now at wholesale clubs. and 3% back on gas. which helped him give his players something extra. the cash rewards credit card from bank of america. more cash back for the things you buy most. the cash rewards credit card from bank of america. it's time for some straight talk. most wireless companies offer no-contract plans, but getting a new phone... usually means getting locked into a contract. there's a better way!
hair, and we're going to leave it this way for the rest of the show. ( laughter ) my next guest tonight is a star of stage and screen, a human rights activist and a social media superstar. but he'll always be sulu to me. please welcome george takei. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> fantastic audience. >> stephen: amazing. welcome back to broadway. >> allegiance was my debut. >> stephen: you've done broadway, star trek. before we get to anything else, who has the nerdier fans,
nerdy in different ways. sci-fi fans are nerdy techies, and broadway fans are star-oriented, from going way back, to today. the broadway fans are actor-oriented. sci-fi fans are techy oriented. >> stephen: okay. they want to see the special effects. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay. ome of the actors special effects, too. >> stephen: while i enjoy broadway, i have to say that i am such a star trek fan, that to be here,eth such a pleasure and honor for me to be here with you, whose work i have enjoyed since i was knee high to a grasshopper, to talk about the 50th anniversary of star trek, one of the greatest shows ever on television. a groundbreaking show. such a pleasure to have you here
wonderful to be able to say, today we're 50! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so what was it like? it was, like, day one on the set with gene roanbury, the creator, how was the show described to you? >> i can't forget that day. it was very special. we all met for a cold read in a conference room, and gene rodenbury and the executive herb we were all introduced and gene explained to us what star trek was all about. he said the starship enterprise was a metaphor for starship earth, and the strength of this starship lay in its diversity coming together. the acronym was infinite diversity.
common challenge we have, confident of our problem-solving capabilities, our genius for invention, innovation, we were going to boldly go where no one had gone before. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so if the different characters, the cast and the guests every week represented the diversity of the earth and how they can solve problems together, what diverse part of earth's population did the sexy, babes in the bikinis represent? >> they were not supposed to be earthlings, although they had two legs, two arms, two breasts and, you know, their bodies are green, and, so, therefore, they were supposed to be aliens. but we also had, as a member of the star fleet team, a person that was half alien, spock. he had green blood, pointy
his mother was an earth woman and his father was a vulcan. >> stephen: so it was an interracial marriage. >> intergalactic, interglobal. >> stephen: but still racy for the 1960s. >> it was. but vol cans mate every seven years. so they weren't very sexy for six and a half years and then they start raging. >> they go into heat. do amoc time! you have to go see tapau. >> oh, you know your stuff. >> stephen: at some point i would love the studio to come under attack so we can shake back and forth and -- >> oh, like we did on the enterprise. >> stephen: exactly. which way would you go first, always left or right first?
there, and he would say left, and we would go like this. your right. >> stephen: okay, left. and he would say right, and in unison, we would go like this. >> stephen: you direct us. jim, you put us on a camera. i'll cry red alert and you tell us which way to go and you shake the camera, okay, john? okay. well, george, let me ask this -- what! red alert! (siren) >> left, right! ! (siren) ( cheers and applause ) >> we have a great audience. >> stephen: i can't wait to go
will be titus burgess, jeff ross, and adam richman. now stick around for our friend james corden and his guests, michael sheen and gavin degraw. good night! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . ? are you ready y'all to have some fun, and feel the love tonight. ? it's going to be all right. ? it's the "late, late show."