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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians involved in opdivo clinical trials. [ music ] all right. [ applause ] it's been a while since we've seen my next guest. i'm a big fan of his. tony will be appearing on "a night of 100 stars." do we have the list of the other 99? am i reading-- no. it's a three hour special.
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that's way too long. oh, it's on this network? >> oh, it's a great special. >> you should do four hours. >> yeah. >> it airs right here on nbc-- a big three hour show. it will seem just like four! [ laughter ] that's on may 21st. would you welcome mr. tony randall. [ music ] [ applause ] well, my my my. [ cheers ] it has been-- it has-- >> hello. >> it's been a passel of years, hasn't it? >> since we've been together? >> yes, almost. i don't know what a passel is-- it's a midwest term. a passel of years. >> passel is a little pass
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a passat. >> i thought that was a passat? [ laughter ] you know the guy told me who was out here? mr. kaufman a moment ago? he says, "i met mr. randall backstage and he knows about frogs." and i said, "that does not surprise me," because you have a vast knowledge or a working knowledge of a lot of different subjects, don't you? seriously. >> my knowledge of frogs is mainly culinary. >> wow. [ laughter ] you know, a family of five could eat off one of those legs. [ laughter ] for a long time. >> a lot of people t >> i'm not a-- >> but i will. >> i'm not a fan of frogs. >> you don't like it? >> not really. they always say it tastes like chicken, right? it's always what people say. >> and chicken's better. is that true? >> so i eat chicken. >> yeah. >> if something tastes like chicken, why should i eat a frog? [ laughter ] well, is that true? >> yes! >> if you like chicken, why fool around with a frog? >> that's right. >> so. >> you have a well taken point there-- about that. >> well taken,
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but, if it's well taken or not well taken. actually-- >> do you watch the commercials on your show? >> yes, why? >> i don't believe you. >> i watch them if i'm watching the show at home. i don't normally watch them while we're in the studio, here. >> no, you're busy. >> extremely. >> well, your first commercial tonight was the john deere commercial. >> oh, yes. for the lawnmower. >> yes. and i hadn't seen it this year. but the onst year- do you remember it? [ laughter ] >> i usu get brought up to date these things-- [ laughter ] in the john deere commercial. i just missed it this week. >> yeah. >> what was it last year? >> you were on the grounds of a convent. do you remember that? >> no. >> yes. and the mother superior stood near the camera talking and the background, a nun was mowing the lawn in her john deere machine.
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"since we've gotten this new john deere power mower, sister peaceful can mow the lawn in the time it used to take four men to do it." and then she would-- the sister in the back would drive up to the mother superior and say, "mother superior, how long will this machine last?" and the mother superior said, "no man knows, only he does." [ laughter ] that was the commercial. >> you must be a very lonely person. [ laughter ] you know. to spend your time-- >> that's the truth. >> to spend your time just logging these memories in your-- and that's what you do at nights? you sit and look at commercials and then come up to somebody a year later and say, "do you remember the john deere commercial?" >> yeah. have you seen-- >> you have a very retentive
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>> oh! yes! >> yeah. >> yeah, the lady sang, "i want to get caught on the bus." >> that's right! >> and hope that it doesn't kick in-- boo-ah! >> yeah! that's the one i meant! [ laughter ] >> she says everything but that. >> yeah. >> you know. >> yeah. the guy says, "what? me take a laxative? sure. and have it kick in on the bus?" [ laughter ] not a pretty sight. not a pretty sight. >> oh, yeah. that's what they're trying-- >> yeah. >> that's what they're trying to conjure up-- >> yeah, yeah. >> i'm sure. >> and then one of them is a school teacher, "hope it doesn't happen in class." >> that's right. >> yeah. >> yeah. well, the advertisers prey on your fears. >> that's right. >> that's why they sell products. >> that's right. >> do you use a deodorant at all? >> yes. >> now, why do you use a deodorant? >> i don't know because i-- >> most people-- now, i'm going to just-- most people do not need to use an underarm deodorant if you take-- aww, listen to me.
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normally, only a few people have that problem. that's true. oh, come on. you see? you've been brainwashed. >> that's right. >> you've been brainwashed. or arm washed. one of the two. [ applause ] that's true. if you bathe-- >> that's right. >> and then take normal hygienic procedures, it's not necessary to use a deodorant. >> and some of us think that people smell better without it. [ cheers ] >> the smelly group up here-- what do you think? [ laughter ] how did we get on this subject anyway? since you've been here? >> no. >> oh, yes. what? >> no. a couple years. >> five years. >> you know how many-- no, no, no. >> somebody said it was 1985. >> that's right. with you. >> that would be five years. i know you were here one night when i was ill. >> yes. >> and you were here with jay, i believe. >> do you know how many times i've been on? >> i would guess-- let me just take a little guess-- 50? >> ninety-five. [ applause ] >> it only seems like 50.
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is that right? >> yeah. >> first, somebody told me it was 1965. >> that's right. >> was that the year you started? >> no, we started in 1962. >> no, i was on your first year. i think. >> okay. >> i may be wrong. i may be wrong. >> no, you're probably right. >> no, no. >> you know these things. >> no, no. >> if you remember a john deere commercial a year ago-- [ laughter ] i'm not going to argue about the first year you were on the show. got a new word for me tonight? usually you come in-- you are-- what is a lover of words? what is-- is there a word for that? who loves vocabulary? who loves words and the meaning of words? >> yes, i suppose logophilia. i dokn >> a little sapphire is a great-- whatever it is, you know. >> oh, yes. he's great. >> a marvelous column. >> i found a marvelous word for you. >> all right. >> if you-- you might be able to figure it out. but it's a cruel commentary on the human race that this word is obsolete. >> now, that's a clue, obviously, right. >> no. >> is that the word, obsolete? >> no. >> oh, i see. [ laughter ] damn! i had that one. what is the word? >> it's easy to figure out what it means. imbellious.
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well, the prefix is i-m or e-m? >> i-m. >> meaning not possible-- not bellious. bellicose? >> that's right! >> not war-like. >> not war-like and that word is obsolete. doesn't that hurt? >> imbellious. >> yeah. >> yeah. there's no need for that word in our civilization. not war-like. >> now, that's interesting. >> yeah. thank you. [ applause ] >> what else is happening? >> did you figure it out? >> well, if you get the prefix-- >> yes. >> sometimes, that helps. >> bellious sounds like bellicose. >> yes or imbellic. imbellic or imbellious. >> or imbellicose, i suppose. is there such a word? >> umbellicose? >> imbellicose. >> no. >> i see. you couldn't say imbellicose. >> i suppose you could. >> but you'd be wrong. >> it wouldn't matter since it's obsolete. >> someone might mention, "but it would be wrong." [ laughter ] too far back. >> you asked me once-- >> you got to be careful. you got to be careful. you never know. you never change.
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>> so do you. >> you never seem to age. >> no, i don't. [ laughter ] >> you mean you really don't age? >> no. >> are you going to pull a dorian gray someday? and all of a sudden, just over night? >> no, i have no sense of it, whatsoever. you ask me what i'm up to. >> i thought you went into a seance or just for a moment. [ laughter ] well i knew you were going on broadway? >> i was on broadway. >> not a "madame butterfly." oh, that closed but that was-- >> i understand you were marvelous. >> well, that's not for me to say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> were you marvelous? >> i don't know. i really don't know. i do know that it was the best i've ever been. in my whole life. >> well that's-- >> that does happen. an actor finds a role that just suits him. it just was-- >> but you've had great success in a lot of mediums. radio. >> mm-hmmm. >> motion pictures.
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>> yes. >> how many people get to work all those different-- what is the word i want? media venues? >> did you work much in radio? >> no, i was a disc jockey, but i did not do the kind of stuff you did where you actually appeared on dramas and serial shows-- >> yes. >> and that type of thing. playing various characters, no. >> yeah. >> but those days are gone. you don't hear that stuff anymore. although, some stations here in california will play from time to time, the early radio shows-- >> i know it. >> late '30's and-- >> i'm on them and we don't get any royalties there. [ laughter ] >> well, i know those-- i "i love a mystery." >> i remember. >> and that's on all the time on these radio stations and-- >> do you get a kick out of listening to them though? >> no. no. >> really? >> no, i never appreciate-- i just-- >> you don't live in the past, huh? >> no, not a bit. but in radio, there was a firm in new york named air features-- do you remember that? >> no, i do not. >> well, they had 17 soap operas on. >> and it used to be written-- all a lot of them by one couple.
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>> irna phillips. >> it was a team and-- freddie? do you remember? freddy was there when they had drums. [ laughter ] when the only method of communication was that you'd hit drums and freddie-- >> well, if you worked for this firm, you might work on all 17-- >> yeah. >> of their soap operas. >> do you run from one studio-- >> yes, and you could make a good living just from that. but if anyone of their directors didn't like you, then you were fired from all their shows. >> well, that's-- yeah. >> they had a director named martha atwell and i'm sure many of my contemporaries remember her. she was a difficult and frightening woman. >> yeah. >> and you rehearsed for an hour-- that's all. >> right. >> and she would sit looking at the clock. and as it ticked to the moment when you started, she'd say, "page one." she wouldn't look at you as you came into the studio. if you came in one second after that tick, next day someone else was playing your part.
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at the time? >> yep. >> so, she terrified people and i had a friend, carpenter and he acted on all of these shows. he was drafted and within six weeks of being drafted, he was in combat. that's unusual-- >> right. >> but it happened. and he was in the battle of the bulge and he was in a fox hole and it was filling up with water. enemy tanks were going right over his head. and the sergeant kept yelling,"d and you can-- not matter-- the fact that war is going on around you after 24 hours, you'll fall asleep. >> yeah. >> and the guy kept yelling, "don't fall asleep!" but he fell asleep and he woke up with a screaming nightmare. he dreamed he was late for a xxmartha atwell-- [ laughter ] >> that's a tough lady. [ applause ] that's funny. we're going to pause. stay right where you are.
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[ music ] [ applause ] okay, as i mentioned earlier-- miss, uh-- this next young lady is one of the stars of "twin peaks," which is a very interesting, intriguing night time mystery-- some people might call it a soap opera. would you welcome please lara flynn boyle. lara! [ music ] [ applause ] nice to see you! you were supposed to be with us the other night but we ran long so i thank you for coming back. >> oh, gosh. it's the chance of a lifetime. >> oh, i've seen "twin peaks" a number of times. it's a very interesting, almost bizarre in certain aspects-- >> you've seen it? >> oh, yeah. yeah. sure have. you enjoy it? >> yeah, it's quite an experience. it's a nice large cast. we have a lot of fun shooting it. >> and you are-- you play the girlfriend of the girl that was--
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>> and it all revolves around that, doesn't it? it's a continuing kind of drama. >> pretty much so. pretty much so. but considering there's such a large cast-- >> yeah. >> it varies. >> it's a good show. >> yeah, so far, so good. >> didn't the season finale just finish-- or it's coming up? >> no, we have, i think three more episodes. >> three more? >> yeah. >> i'm right on top of things. [ laughter ] yeah. do people stop you and do the silly thing, "well, you look just like you look on television?" or "you look different than you look on television?" >> i'm pretty different from donna hayward, yeah. >> yeah. >> we look a little bit alike, but she dresses differently. >> yeah. >> that's about it. >> where did you start your career? you're only what-- 20 years old? >> i'm 20. >> yeah, where did you start your acting career? >> well, i've been wanting to do this since i was three. i started in chicago. >> right. >> yeah. >> but in local theater? >> in local theaters and then i went on to performing arts high school. >> yeah. what did you do-- we talked to tony a lot about what do actors and actresses do when they're not working. they always usually hold strange jobs or sales clerk or they work at mcdonald's or they sell door to door or-- >> well, i did some waitressing.
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and in chicago every year they have the taste of chicago. >> right. >> and we used to go and-- work at the taste of chicago, which is about 100,000 people come-- >> right. >> through the weekend and you serve them food. but i was very fortunate-- i'm very close with the owner of the restaurant. >> right. >> so i could spill food in trays and food-- >> just hang in there? >> just sort of laugh and say, "sorry!" you know. >> that's not a bad training job if you want to be an actress, you get close to a lot of-- >> i guess so. >> different people. >> i guess so. >> now, when did you come to los angeles? or did you come here first? i promised my mom that i wouldn't come here until i graduated from high school. >> good move. >> yes. >> would you find young ladies-- you always-- you probably get letters from people. you know, they told me i was in a school play, i should come to hollywood for fame and fortune or new york. you say, stay through high school-- at least that, right? >> well, i don't know-- if i didn't have my mom, i probably would've moved out. >> yeah. >> right away. >> your mother said-- >> yes. >> don't leave high school. >> right, so i stayed in chicago and then i graduated from high school and then i left the next morning and moved to la.
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>> well, i moved out by myself and my mom said she would come in a few months and i was-- i stayed for about three weeks and i kept calling her and crying on the phone. >> mmhmmm. >> "please come out." so finally, she came out a few weeks later. >> it's awful tough coming out to this town like this and trying to find work, isn't it? >> well, it's not as tough finding work but it's tough keeping a family and keeping friends-- >> yeah. >> because hollywood can really offer you a lot of things for a short period of time. >> you're right. >> well, you know, it's if you're a young girl and you're talented-- >> right. >> and you're cute, you know-- >> yeah. you're all of those things. >> well, so far. but you know, they're willing to tell you how great you are and that. it's nice to have your family around who are honest with you. >> yeah, can you tell the people who are giving you those kind of flattering accolades that they're not sincere. >> producers. people, you know, who say they can get you a job or you know. >> yeah. did you ever do a commercials? we were talking about commercials.
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ads and i did a commercial for fruit roll-ups or something and-- >> fruit loops? >> fruit roll-ups. yeah. and i was out there-- >> you probably remember that, don't you, tony? [ laughter ] the only man that would know the commercial fruit roll-ups-- but you missed that one, huh? >> no, no. >> you remember that? >> yes, yes, of course. >> no, you don't. [ laughter ] >> i almost bought that. so you did a few print things? >> yeah. >> what was your first television work? >> oh, i did a miniseries called "america." >> yeah, i did that. which is pretty amazing because i had never done anything, you know, in tv-- >> right. >> and they cast me in and told me to pack up my bags for nine months. >> right. >> you know, the day after i got it, so. i've been very fortunately. >> yeah. now, is your mom still out here or are you on your own? >> she's in the green room. yes. >> oh, is she really? >> yeah, there's about six people just praying that i didn't trip when i walked out. [ laughter ] >> tell me something-- so somebody said you've got a dog but i didn't understand this. >> yeah, i-- >> it has it's own--
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and she has several little stuffed animals and i was in new york once and i bought her an $80 stuffed animal. and i went up to the cashier and i said, "you know, this is really horrible, but this is for my dog." you know. but she has a little chick that she carries around and she licks them. she thinks they're her babies. >> i think it's-- because i thought he had a live pet. >> oh, no! >> and somebody said he had his own pet and i said, "boy, that's really status." >> no. [ laughter ] >> dog has another dog. >> she might someday. >> that was my thinking! what did you think when you heard that? dog has his own pet? i thought it was like-- [ laughter ] no, not a chicken. [ music ] oh, we'll be right back. i'm a little goofy. we'll be right back.
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[ music ]
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it was nice having you on the show. >> thank you. >> you said, you've been waiting to do the show a long time. you're a very lovely young lady. >> thank you. >> i wish you much success in your career. you said you're currently doing a picture with clint eastwood? >> yes. >> good for you. >> yes. >> come back and see us. >> i sure will. >> tony, you are appearing on "a night of 100 stars." >> yes. >> who are some of those other stars appearing with you on that three hour show? [ laughter ] >> there are a lot of them. [ laughter ] >> there's so many i suppose it's difficult to-- >> yes. >> okay. >> very good, too. she sings "the man who got away." and then there are 98 others. >> ninety-eight others. thank you, have a nice night. [ music ] [ applause ]
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your attention, please. for those of you flying sandpiper air remember, your carry-on luggage must remain with you at all times and small children must be stowed under the seat in front of you. um... um... obviously, you'd want to keep your children with you and stow your luggage. besides, the average small child wouldn't even fit under our seats. well, not without a struggle.
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announcer: hey, hey, hey, hey. another big saturday night and we're looking for caller number ten. get to your phones, people. we're talking about 5,000 big ones. those boards are lighting up. eight, nine, and caller number ten. your name is... antonio scarpacci. roy biggins. fay cochran. wanda stevens! damn. damn. damn. okay, wanda what's the state bird of oklahoma? ( clock ticking ) why couldn't i get that one? everybody knows it's the rose-breasted grosbeak. no, it isn't. it's the scissorstail flycatcher. trust me. i know my state birds. i learned them on a place mat at stuckey's. ( horn blowing ) sorry, wanda. the correct answer is
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on the last 12. fay, how do you know all these things? did you hear of funk and wagnall's encyclopedia? yeah. yeah. i dated a funk. i can't believe this. what is a hot, young stud like me doing wasting a saturday night with you two when i could be out with any number of beautiful women? let's just count how many things are wrong with that statement. no, wait. i have an idea. we could go in this together and have a better chance of winning. you might have a point. with the ton of useless crap between your ears and my speed dialers we might have a shot at this. yeah, well, why not? besides, what else is there to do on a saturday night in this frozen winter wasteland we call nantucket? is anybody interested in going to the junior high production of jesus christ superstar? oh, no. they canceled it. jesus couldn't make it.
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joe, my nails are wet. quick, get this hair out of my face. what are you doing tonight? thanks. davis is coming in on roy's next flight. you're not doing anything. maybe we can grab a pizza. don't worry. he's coming. pepperoni okay? joe, stop it. you don't like davis because he wouldn't lend you the money it crushed your dreams and ruined your life and yada yada yada... do you think this dress needs a necklace? yeah. you know, the night belongs to macho, lusty hombres like you and me. lowell, why are you talking like a beer commercial? it's a beer commercial life-- fast women, hot cars, and guys who laugh like this. look, i'll tell you what. if you promise never to do that again
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er and i are going to go on a rat shoot tonight. i'd invite you along but you know what they say about rat shoots: two's company, three's cross fire. did you guys figure out anything to do tonight? i'm desperate. want to go to a movie with us? great. what are we seeing? it's a rainer werner fassbinder festival. what? please don't make me say it again. they're showing fear eats the soul berlin alexanderplatz. uh, not that desperate. why don't you go out with helen? she's waiting for lynch to show up. i'll never understand that relationship. what don't you understand? he's charming, romantic, funny and incredibly successful. i used to go out with a guy like him. clearly, you've gotten over that. we'd better get going. the movie starts in 20 minutes. wait one second.
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what? if i tell you his name it will just drive you crazy. oh, he's a name? would i know who he is? can we drop it? drop who? who are we dropping? come on, brian. i don't ask you about the women you've dated. yeah, of course. i've dated lots and lots of women but, uh... nobody famous. lots? exactly how many? exactly how famous? very famous. very many. brian, please. let's just stop this. you're absolutely right. is he a politician? actor? rock star? rock star? i knew it! it's that weasel sting. the hell with this. i'm going home. call me when you grow up. i thought you were going to the movies with alex. so did i. i asked her one little question she went alexanderplatz on me. okay, joe, you win.
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he canceled again. no. his secretary called. she said his meeting with the hong kong consortium ran late. what the hell is a consortium anyway? it comes from the latin "consort" meaning "one who dumps his date for business." this sucks. tell me about it. why don't the three of us do something? i think i'll pass. yeah, me too. i remember a time when we knew how to have fun. remember when we went to that political rally and signed that petition without even reading it? yeah, i'm still tingling. come on. let's get off this rock. let's go to boston-- a city where people do something. a city where people drink for social reasons. all right. what the hell? let's do it. let's go. come on. let's go. all right. hey, joe, you know, you looked a little down before.
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so, i'm all yours. lowell, i already kind of made plans with brian and helen. i see. so, guess i made tucker cry for nothing. that's okay, joe. you just go off with your cool friends. it will just be me, some sad music and a loaded shotgun. so brian, what do you say? okay, yeah. sure. i finally made it. you know, you go your whole life being the odd man out and then one day, a kind, gracious hand reaches out to you. where are you guys off to? oh, for god's sake.
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don't go away, because we're going to have an $8,000 question right after this.
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we'll get through. you know what they say-- the 73rd time is the charm. is brian here? no, he went to boston. damn. when's he going to be back? i don't know, dear. what's wrong? we had kind of a fight. i was hoping to patch things up with him. well, since you're free and, uh... all leathered up why don't you come over to my place and i'll fire up the old hot tub? sounds good. you bring the towels. i'll bring the electric toaster. i don't ask twice. i'll be right back. look, cochran, it occurs to me, with your brains and my speed dialers and 8,000 bucks on the line what do we need mr. green card for? i heard that.
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my friend fay would squeeze me out of this deal you've got another thing coming. she would never, ever, leave me out... jump in any time. oh, right. no, i'm not in without antonio. oh, all right, all right. can't blame me for trying. what do we need him for? we've been to two boring bars. we got kicked out of a nightclub. let's go home. helen, we could have stayed at that last place if lowell hadn't tried to pass himself off as a kennedy. "ask not what your country can do..." shut up. shut up. shut up. look, that bartender said there's a great party in 2d. this is 2d-- let's go. maybe i should call alex.
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st your chops over every innocent remark. there might be a guy who will actually show up for a date. what's behind that door for me, joe? i don't know, lowell. maybe there's a big, fat rat you can kill. cool. look, you guys do whatever you want. i am going in. well, for joe's sake. yeah, just for joe. joe: didn't i tell you i'd find you a good time? okay, huddle up. attractive women all over the field, okay. joe, you go long. i'll go short. helen, available guys here... and here. lowell... um... you're on your own.
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well, that was productive. you're telling me. i got three business cards and an appointment with a podiatrist. we're here to have a good time. who's thirsty? beer me. make mine a beer, too, joe. here's to good friends. it just doesn't get any better than this. do you want to meet him? hi. you alone? it doesn't have to be that way. the person you're looking for could be standing right in front of you. i should tell you that i'm not... gay. i'm not gay-- i'm talking about her. i'm not gay. well, as long as that's all settled...
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pleased to meet you. thank me later. i finally found out what you do well. pick up guys. funny. you better hope i leave some women for you. no way, man. i'm not doing this. i'm not going to cheat on alex. excuse me. sorry. well, hello. look... i don't want to sound full of myself, but... i know what "well, hello" means and before this gets any further i think you should know the casting of a major motion picture. i think you'd actually be perfect for it.
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