tv Campaign 2016 CBS News Coverage of Election Night CBS November 8, 2016 7:00pm-11:00pm EST
? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ? ? good times ? for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer
or e.g.f.r. gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo, nivolumab. opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer versus chemotherapy. no biomarker testing is required with opdivo, though physicians may choose to do so. opdivo can cause your immune system to attack normal organs and tissues in your body and affect how they work. this may happen any time during or after treatment has ended, and may become serious and lead to death. see your doctor right away if you experience new or worsening cough; chest pain; shortness of breath; diarrhea; severe stomach pain or tenderness; severe nausea or vomiting; extreme fatigue; constipation; excessive thirst or urine; swollen ankles; loss of appetite; rash; itching; headache; confusion;
as this may keep these problems from becoming more serious. these are not all the possible side effects of opdivo. tell your doctor about all your medical conditions, including immune system problems, or if you've had an organ transplant, or lung, breathing, or liver problems. a chance to live longer. ask your doctor about opdivo. bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians
yeah, i'm glad we're finished with that. finally got the storm windows in place, michael. yeah. man, will you look at that snow out there? it's like a miracle. now, what's so miraculous about a snowstorm? overnight, the neighborhood has gone lily-white. coffee's ready! good morning, everybody. good morning, husband. it's kiss-and-hug time. mm-hmm. when isn't it? thank you, bro-in-law. hey, michael, that's my doughnut. nah. possession is 9/10 of the law.
r wife? hey, baby, you know you don't take no backseat to a lousy jelly doughnut. why, i'd give my life for you, but we're talking custard. oh, keith! just jiving, baby. whoo! give me some coffee! i got to warm up my bones! well, i'm so glad it's just your bones because brazil does not make enough coffee to warm the rest of you. i tell you, bookman -- the abominable snowman. bookman, why are you here? i don't think you heard me. bookman, why are you here? what's the matter? you got twinkies in your ears? good coffee. the man is wearing earmuffs. oh, good. then we can insult him all day. thelma, it ain't no good insulting bookman if he can't hear you.
listen, i got a plan. i got something that will clean all the snow off and make the sidewalks as clean as a whistle. what's it called? august? no. you see, i put this sign out in the door entrance, and it says, "lost on the front step -- 5-carat diamond ring." then watch the people start shoveling that snow. [ telephone rings ] answer the phone. i'll get it, miss evans. bookman! hello? yes, this is mrs. bookman. this is mrs. evans. good morning, mr. collingsworth. why, yes, of course. i'll be there in 15 minutes. mm-hmm. thelma, i won't eat breakfast. i'll get a cup of coffee down at the bus yard. mama, you're not gonna go to work today, are you? listen, half of the regular drivers are out with colds,
why don't you tell them you have a cold, too? now, you know i can't do that, thelma. the kids i drive to school need all the education they can get, and it's my job to get them there. mama, i heard on the radio that they might be closing the schools down. you tell mr. collingsworth that. whoo-wee! close the door. ooh, child, let me tell you something. when all our ancestors was down there in the hot, sunny southland lifting those barges and toting those bales, little did they know that 200 years later, some of their kinfolk would be freezing their ex-cotton-picking tails off in a project. and i said all that to say this, honey -- ooh, child, it's cold outside. hey, miss woods! oh, you're just the one i want to see. i got a bone to pick with you. i asked you to fix my thermostat, and you knocked it off the wall.
red, stumble-footed goofballs i have ever known, you are the worst. you are a buffalo-butted, banjo-behind, reject of the school of losers. you are a disgrace to the human race and the animal kingdom included. i have no idea why noah let you on and off, honey, because i don't know where they fit the elephant butt you got in there. ? sleigh bells ring ? you are so ridiculous. ? are you listening? ? i was just getting ready to insult him. oh, flo, penny is bent on going to school today. are you planning on driving the bus? sure. aren't you going to work? you know i got to go to the boutique, but i don't know who's gonna do any shopping. i don't know many eskimos with credit cards. [ laughs ] let's go. i feel like king tut in a sauna.
a little bit of snow scare me. it never did when you all were little, and it sure won't start now. yeah, i know those kids will appreciate it as much as we did. wise guy. have a nice day, y'all. hey, michael, thelma, did you hear that jive radio announcer in there? no, man, what'd he say? he said, [ deep voice ] hey, all you sleek and slicky music freaks, this is bad cat bill, ha ha ha. man, it's so cold outside... how cold is it? man, it's so cold outside, even the flashers are just showing pictures of themselves. ha ha ha. and, man, the snow is getting he-ea-ea-vy. so just lay back in your sack, and if you want some real delicious fatback, save your mama for better things. call harry's pick-a-rib -- guaranteed not to leave a grease ring.
[ normal voice ] i was just trying to cheer you all up. yeah, well, it's not working 'cause i'm still worried about ma driving that bus in that snow. thelma, it's not that bad out there. besides, you know your mother can handle herself. yeah, but it seems like there's something we can do. [ chuckles ] i was just thinking of that. but seeing that we're stuck with michael, i think we better do something that includes the three of us. i'm sure glad you didn't say hide-and-go-seek 'cause knowing the two of y'all, you sure enough wouldn't come looking for me. come on. come on. hit me.
ew. everybody okay? kim, alex, penny? i guess so. this place is scary. we're gonna die of scariness! now, now, now. nobody's gonna die of anything. i guarantee you that. if you die first? nothing scares me. i'm not scared of anything. not even tarantulas. what are they? i don't know. that's how come i'm not scared of them. i think they look like that bug on your shoe! [ screams ] [ laughs ] alex. gee, aunt florida, maybe we should have stayed on the bus.
at least we got room to move around in here. we won't get drowsy and fall asleep. i'm cold. we're gonna die of coldness-ness! hey, those buildings are boarded up. how come nobody lives in them? well, it's an abandoned redevelopment project. i'm hungry! i want me a big mac! well, i think you're gonna have a little bit of a problem finding one in a neighborhood like this. i ain't never heard of no neighborhood where you couldn't walk to a big mac place. you can't walk anywhere. the snow's 4 feet tall. cool. we'll have them deliver. they can't do that. but i'm hungry! we're gonna die of hungriness! now, look, kids, just stop and think how lucky we are.
i bet they're searching for our bus right now, and they know we're somewhere nearby. we'll be home in no time flat. we didn't stay on the regular bus route. well, of course i did. oh, no, aunt florida. remember when you told me that we were turning off the regular bus route because of the snow? [ sotto voice ] penny. oops. sorry. oh, we're gonna die of lostness-ness! [ crying ] hey, i know what we can do to keep warm. let's all do a little jogging. say what? jogging? what are you, some kind of health nut? maybe you'd like me to warm the seat of your pants, young man. that's what i said, miss evans. let's jog.
ne, two, three. [ whistle blows ] and hut, two, three, four. hut, two, three, four. hut, two, three. move it! hut, two, three, four. hut, two, three. hut. i said move it! "gone with the wind." right! my charade. my charade. come on, brother. let's see what you got. [ hums ] [ grunts ] song? old song. um..."old man river." um..."old folks at home"? "that old black magic"? "my old kentucky home"? come on, man. okay, three words. second word. sounds like, um... wife? girl? pal! pal? sounds like thelma, right? your -- your... my gal --
[ grunting ] you might as well do the whole alphabet. "my gal al," bal, cal, dal? "my gal gal"! yeah, right. wait. how about -- i heard this police report on tv -- shut up. you're bothering us. hal. i think i got it! "my gal sal"! right. "my gal sal"! look, there's this police report -- there's no such song, bookman. if you keep on interrupting, i'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich. if you want to play, play, but otherwise get out. [ all talking ] okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. you. people? living person. seven words. sounds like... sounds like...lizard! longer. longer. uh, uh, wizard! wizard. no. gizzard? george gizzard? chicken george? thelma: four words? four words. sounds like...kiss! kiss.
? let's dance across the floor ? ? let's do it, let's dance ? kim, you can't go to sleep. come on. now, listen, we're all gonna clap and sing so loud, they're gonna hear us on michigan avenue. and if the police don't find us, motown records will. come on now. but, miss evans, i'm sleepy. we can't do that, honey. come on.
? let's do it, let's dance ? ? let's dance across the floor ? ? come on, let's do it, let's dance ? ? let's dance some more ? together: ? come on, let's do it ? why haven't they found mama's bus yet? thelma, why don't you just do something constructive to keep your mind off your worrying? yeah, michael, i guess you're right. baby, please don't make no muffins. i don't want no muffins. just wait till the blizzard is over, the ice thaw out, and we can run away. ooh. hey. i should have known better than to try to get to work today. stranded three hours on the bus. only got four blocks. willona, i know you're freezing. not necessarily.
another half an hour, i might have been engaged. but anyway, the bus stop -- hey, what's the matter? i've seen happier faces on shrunken heads. willona... there's something we should tell you. what, honey? well, um... why don't you have a nice cup of coffee just to warm your system up? that is an ingenious idea. ingenious. here you go, willona. coffee's nice and hot. mm-hmm! there you go. now, what is it? well, um... it's like this, willona. um...you tell her, thelma. uh, willona, would you like some sugar in your coffee? okay, sweetheart. good idea. okay. willona, don't you take two teaspoons? oh, no, one's enough. what is it? what is it? well, it's really not that bad. what you mean it's not that bad?
[ laughs nervously ] well, willona, we know you're a cool, calm, and totally together person. that's right. you're not the type to get hysterical if you hear a bit of bad news. okay, now, come on, somebody. please tell me what it is. all right, tell me. well, it's just a little thing. what, hon? penny and ma are lost in the blizzard! willona, now, just stay calm, all right? keith: willona. i'm cool. collected. willona? yeah? you okay, willona? willona, you all right? i want another "cof" of "coofee." another -- willona?
i'm afraid i'm gonna need a little help down here -- nothing fancy, no frills, strictly economy-class. but, lord, i want you to help me get these nice little kids home to their warm beds. [ thud ] now, lord, i know you work in strange and mysterious ways, [ thud ] who's out there?! donald: who's out there?! aunt florida, is he a heavenly messenger? no, stupid. he's either ernest or julio. the name is donald, and you've been disturbing my beauty rest all day.
in my townhouse. our school bus got stuck in the snow. man, i'm freezing. your place sure is cold. [ scoffs ] not when you carry your own antifreeze. oh, beg for pardon. pardon my ill-mannered self. have some? we're not quite ready for that yet. well, i am. you got a match? match?! don't you know what the surgeon general said about smoking? [ coughing ] you see what i -- [coughing] -- mean? gee, that's the worst smoker's cough i've ever heard. yeah.
mister, we don't want to smoke. we want to build a fire! ahh. some matches from my favorite pump room, where i get my favorite chitterlings ala flamb?. it's empty! now, you just be patient. i live here. i know what i'm doing. now, look, kids, there are only two matches here, so let's gather up all the wood you can. hurry. hey, wait a minute. what y'all doing with my palatial home here?
stop these kids here! what's wrong with y'all? is that all the wood you can find? that's it -- the whole enchilada. oh, my lord. there's a bunch of old junk in the room next door. no, no, no! not my winter furnishings. please! well, it's either that or us. go get it, kids. now, wait a minute. hem fools, huh? oh! there goes my breakfast nook. and my bedroom suite. hey, that had a lot of value to me. my dear old daddy slept in that bed. are you crazy? i hope these still strike. give me that match. i'm gonna light the first one. after all, i insist.
oh! give me that last match. what's wrong with you? hey! now we can get warm. yeah, so can i! did you hear what they called ma? the most courageous school-bus driver in chicago. honey, i had no doubt in my mind they'd be saved. yeah, that's why you were catatonic. i was not catatonic. can we join the party? [ cheering ] aunt florida saved our lives. she built a fire, and she even made us do the freak. the freak?
? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?
ma, where's the house? well, it's at 63rd and wilson. not exactly one of your high-rent districts. no, matter of fact, the neighborhood's so tough, the welcome wagon is a tank. j.j., it can't be any rougher than it is living here. ma, when can we see it? well, you can see part of it right now. j.j., where did you get that doorknob? i went to pull the door open, and the knob came off. then the door fell off.
only she can't afford to make the payments. it's been vacant for three months. except for the rats, but they're doing a great job with the place. instead of putting the place down for what it is now, why can't you see it for what it could be, what we can make of it? i guess you're right, ma. i was so busy trying not to build up our hopes, i guess i was tearing down our dreams. you know, it's really not a bad $15,000 house. and we're getting it for a real steal for $25,000. that's a steal? well, honey, in this crazy, inflated housing market, homes are selling for two and three times what they're worth. but i still can't believe it -- our very own home. [ laughs ] well, now, thelma, let's not get carried away. you know, a house is like the harvest moon. it looks so close you can almost touch it,
we've still got to get that loan. you know, ma, that's not gonna be easy, especially with this red-lining business. michael, what's red lining? that's when the white bankers draw red lines around black areas and don't give up no green. well, michael, there's more than one way to skin a cat. you know, to qualify for that fha loan, we only have to come up with 3% down. hey, 3% of $25,000 -- that's $750. if this cat ever blows a fuse, we're in deep trouble. it shouldn't be hard to raise a down payment 'cause we've all been working. i've been doing very well driving the school bus. i have saved $250. yeah, well, i saved $50 from my box-boy job down at the supermarket. yeah, and keith's doing well driving the cab, and me working at the boutique. you know, ma, we've saved $350. oh, honey, that's wonderful.
added to keith and thelma's $350 -- that gives us $650. all we need is $100 more. [ laughs ] all right, j.j. where's yours? hmm? i said, what about you? you've been painting signs for that department store downtown. oh, yeah, ma, i did paint 25 fire-sale signs. all right, j.j. where's the money? well, i never got paid. i made a mistake of putting up the signs two days before the fire. you've got some extra cash stashed away somewhere. now, give it up, man. come on, you got to help me with this. [ all shouting ] take it easy. take it easy. take it easy, now. i want everybody to turn their backs and close their eyes. no peeking allowed. stop kidding, man. now, turn your backs, now. come on.
all right, michael. here you go. my entire life savings donated to the evans house fund. $3? brother j., you will be sleeping on the porch. j.j., what happened to all of your money? i had a big date with heavy-duty hannah, and i needed something special. something that would make a real impression of my masculinity, but something subtle. so i knew when i saw this jumpsuit that this had to be me. lord have mercy. j.j., where did you get that? at tarzan's garage sale? $110?!
we need the money for the house. you better take this back before it bites somebody. [ screams ] now, now, wait one minute. what is this? hey, willona, take it easy. this happens to be our down payment on our new house. house? flo? flo -- flo, you found a house? mm-hmm. [ sobs ] i'm happy for you, flo. oh, flo, i'm gonna miss you so much. oh, girl, i'm gonna miss you, too. oh, okay, now, look. tell me about the house. willona, it's just what i always dreamed of. it's got a private backyard where i can grow my own fresh vegetables and then a big kitchen where thelma can cook them.
well, well, well. so the evans family is buying a house. bookman, how did you know that? nothing gets past these ears. nothing gets past that stomach either, buffalo butt. so where's this house? 63rd and wilson. mm-hmm, knowing that neighborhood, that house is gonna need a lot of work. just like the projects, huh? when things break down, ain't gonna be nobody to fix it. just like the projects. just last week, i put a brand-new light bulb in your refrigerator. oh, now, come on, bookman. you know, if you haven't been sticking your old big head in there all the time, we wouldn't need no new light bulb. you know what i'm gonna miss about you, j.j.? no. what, bookman? nothing. i'll tell you what. if you like, i'll go over and inspect the house. i'll check out the wiring, the furnace, the foundation. you'll do that for us? hey, what are friends for? oh, bookman, you're full of surprises.
you're friends, i'll only charge you $10 an hour. out. $5. out! how about a sandwich or something? out. out. isn't he something? well, i got to be going, too. but look. congratulations. and keep me posted, okay? oh, flo. i'm so happy for you. you know what? i've always wanted a house of my own and a garden of my own and a man of my own. i could do without the garden, you know? [ laughs ] well, i'm gonna see you all later, okay? bye, willona. bye-bye. i'm gonna miss that girl. not half as much as i'm gonna miss you. all right, ma. what's the next step on our new house? well, first thing tomorrow, we've got to put down a deposit.
but remember, everybody, the payments are gonna be high and it's gonna be a struggle. but with us pulling together, we can make it work. don't worry, ma. it's gonna be a pleasure to struggle for something all our own. keith. keith, guess what. ma and j.j. went out today and they found a house. we are really buying a house. and all this time, i thought it was just talk. i didn't think we could do it, either but we finally found one we can afford. yeah, and we're all chipping in. ma's using all of her savings and so is michael and j.j., and we're throwing in ours, too. what do you mean we're throwing in our savings? yeah! we need it for the down payment. otherwise, we can't get the house. i guess you can't get the house,
john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month.
and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so.
i want thelma and i to have a place of our own. that's why we're saving. keith, we will. but going in with the family right now, it's just temporary. as temporary as lake michigan. after the down payment, you've got the taxes, the insurance, the mortgage. we'd never have anything to set aside for our future. i understand, keith, if that's what you want. maybe you're right, keith. you know, we could be living with the family for years and years, but -- no, you don't, thelma. j.j., please. you know, keith, man, i guess we weren't thinking, counting you in without even asking you. you know, keith, when i look at you and thelma, i see me and james just starting out, all full of hopes. i only wish i had the money. i'd buy you two that house tomorrow. you would.
hey, what's the matter? aren't i a part of this family? count me in. say what? i said, "count me in." see, in my family, it was always everyone out for themself. nobody gave anything to anybody. i guess i'm not used to a family that gives like this one does. that's the only way we can live. it's why we ain't got nothing now. well, you've got one thing, and that's love. and i am a part of this family, so if you need our money for that house, you've got it. thelma, we got plenty of time for our dream. oh, keith. all right, kids, i want you on your best behavior.
what you doing, fool? thelma, the hidden camera's up there. i want to make sure they get a good shot of me just in case there's a holdup. j.j., with that face, you're liable to set off the alarm. you got some nerve with your old coyote face. i don't want to hear that. get out of here, you old pumpkin head. all right, you two, stop it. people are beginning to stare at us. hey, what's happening? excuse me, we need to apply for a loan. yeah, winfield, uh-uh. those executive desk exercises you showed me are great for getting rid of tension. yeah, i do them every chance i can get. mm-hmm. oh, yeah, right. uh, about the loan.
uh-huh. good. then i'll put it through right away. fine. mm-hmm. give my love to bambi. bye. now, what can i do for you people? $6 million? i think we're in the wrong place. we only want a small housing loan. oh, no, no, no, no, no. this bank gives the same consideration to the little man as we do to the big corporations. well, in that case, we'll take 10 mil in small bills. will you please take a seat? oh, uh, just sit down. hmm? now, who's applying for the loan? well, actually, it's a joint venture. uh-huh. all right. then who is the head of the household?
here's the information we got from the real-estate agent. uh-huh. well, let's have a look at this. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. you know, i'd really like to give you this loan. i can see you're really wrestling with yourself. oh, don't mind me. i'm just getting rid of tension. well, i hope you can get rid of some cash just as easy. now, i see that the house is one of the more lived-in areas, hmm? yeah, the newest house there is a cave. however, you seem to have made a very good buy. does that mean we get the loan? [ grunts ] is that [grunts] -- "yes"? or [grunts] -- "no"? it's [ grunts ] -- "i think i hurt myself."
n't. why not? what i mean is that this is a little too risky for the bank to handle, so i think that we should go through the fha. now, that would be $25,000 at 3%. that'll give you $750. that would give me $750-- we've got our own model right here. all right. now, the loan procedure is really very simple. it's not that hard. j.j., will you stop it? now, first, we'll have to verify your credit. so how about a list of creditors? we don't have any. if we can't pay cash, we do without. shh, shh, shh. what are you saying? that could ruin the entire american economy. i mean, where would this country be if we didn't all owe more than we could pay back?
l over town. i owe 15 big ones to larry and 35 big ones to fist-face mcgee. well, i'm afraid those don't count. tell them that. yes, well, mrs. evans, maybe we can pass this loan on your record of employment. how long have you held a full-time job? well, we all work part time. i work 25 hours per week. i work 20 hours a week. and i work 15. 16 hours a week. all added together, that's 88 hours a week. that's more than johnny carson works in a whole year. well? [ sighs ] i hope you're just exercising, man. no, no. i really would like to help you folks, but the fha regulations do require full-time employment. i'm sorry. i don't make the rules. but you do interpret the rules.
between us, we have twice that amount. i don't recall a rule that covers this particular situation. oh, boy, i'm beginning to feel stress. and since there is no rule, that means that you have the power. well, one could say that, couldn't one? here's five of us saying it now. let's make that six. m gonna pass this loan as fast as i can. all right. what kind of tension does that release? racial. j.j., what kind of wine did you get? well, thelma, when mr. rutherford called and told us we had the loan, i spared no expense. look at this. "shadow bonaduce --
j.j., brother, don't you mean the slopes? no, it's slops, michael. they own a pig farm. party on the road now! oh, willona. oh, i'm so glad you came. florida, we got a present for your new house. oh, thank you, penny. isn't that a beautiful welcome mat? i guess you know you two will always be welcome. all so much. oh, penny, i'm gonna miss you, too. and, willona, what am i gonna do for some hot gossip? who am i gonna tell it to? no need to worry. 'cause when willona woods talks... ...everyone listens. all right. well, look who's here. the poster boy for save the whales.
wall-to-wall carpeting? oh, bookman, we know about your great deals. this is legit. what is the square feet of the house? we don't know, but why don't you come down there and stand next to it so we have something to compare it to? y'all stop picking on bookman. that's all right. let them insult me. that's the only way i know they love me. yeah, and when you come over to visit us, we'll tell our neighbors you're our pet water buffalo. i think that's enough love for today. [ knock on door ] come on, bookman. oh, come on in, mr. rutherford. join the celebration. hey, everybody, let's have a big toast for mr. rutherford, who paved the way for us to get the loan from the fha. no, no. uh, please. please, mrs. evans. oh, call me florida. i can imagine what you're gonna call me when i tell you the news. uh-oh. i thought you said the loan was approved. well, the loan was approved,
i don't know how your real-estate agent slipped up. that area's been scheduled for urban renewal. some developers are gonna construct a shopping mall there to try to lure the suburban middle class back to the inner city. well, if you tear down our houses, where are we urban lower class supposed to live? i'm afraid nobody's solved that problem yet. i can't tell you how badly i feel about this. flo, honey, i'm sorry. i am, too, ms. evans. [ loud sobbing ] michael, it's all right. don't cry. i'm not crying, ma.
you did the best you could. we all know that. i know, but it's -- it's just not fair. you're such fine people. you get one step ahead, and they push you back two. [ sobs ] look, mr. rutherford. this family has faced disappointments before, and we always come through. yes, but you deserve a better house than this. f we have over our heads, it's the family under the roof that counts. you're all so, so brave. [ sobs ] mr. rutherford, you've got to find yourself another line of work. look, everybody. turn on the music. now, we may not have a party,
? well, we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? to a deluxe apartment ? ? in the sky ? ? we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? we finally got a piece of the pie ? ? fish don't fry in the kitchen ? eans don't burn on the grill ? ? took a whole lot of tryin' ? that hill ? get up ? just to ? now we're up in the big leagues ? ? gettin' our turn at bat ? ? as long as we live ? ? it's you and me, baby ? ? there ain't nothin' wrong with that ? ? we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? to a deluxe apartment ? ? in the sky ?
your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. and if you have more than one liberty mutual policy, saving you money on your car and home coverage. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. these are for the party. it's them things. yes, and these, too. we have to keep this thing a secret.
her surprise party is tonight. why? her birthday is next tuesday. isn't this jolly fun? i have enough to think about. you ain't helpin'. i have to pick up weezy's present at the jeweler's, then find an excuse to get weezy up to your apartment. say you miss your friends the willises, and you'd like to visit. it's got to be something that won't make her suspicious. you ever see anything so goofy? yeah. i'm lookin' at it. now where were we? we need a pretense to get louise to our apartment. i have it!
tell her your husband dropped something behind his desk. while retrieving it, he knocked his noggin and was rendered unconscious. an emergency situation like that precludes any hesitation. isn't that splendid? it stinks. you're right. it would never work. i've got a better idea. you get her there. think up a fish story. he been tellin' them for years. how's the party planning coming? it was good until now. am i invited to this party? of course. mr. jefferson didn't say that. you're just like a friend to weezy. you deserve to be there. thank you, mr. jefferson. besides, you got to serve cake and clean up afterwards.
your fault. helen, did you order the cake? yes. we can pick it up this afternoon. i've got things to pick up. what? some confetti, some serpentins, and six more of these fellows. everybody else is contributing something. i'll do my part. your part is to pick up the champagne. i mean at the party. i'll sing oh promise me. that's sung at weddings. the only other song i know is what a friend we have in jesus. sing oh promise me. oh promise me you won't sing at all.
how come you're home? the doctor took me early. what's going on here? going on? why we were just-- tell her, helen. we were having a tenant's committee meeting. about what? about what? tell her, tom. how was your checkup at the doctor's? all right, i guess. thing ok? fine, george. what's this? that's my kazoo. i brought it to the meeting. why? why? why? because from time immemorial, the kazoo has been the instrument of protest. [battle hymn of the republic] hearing that, wouldn't you protest? music stirs men's souls.
[battle hymn of the republic] ? glory, glory hallelujah ? ? glory, glory ? mr. bentley, quit while you're ahead. where you goin', weez? to get an aspirin. you gave weezy a headache. go ahead with your meeting. keep the meeting going. i feel the management of this building has been lax in many areas. tom, they're in the kitchen. right. let's go! no. louise might get suspicious. right. let's stay. the only way to handle this-- tom. shut up. here. these will make you feel better. no, it won't. there's somethin' you ain't telling me. you worried about what that doctor said.
is it real bad? awful. then you got to tell me, weezy. i can take it. what did the doctor say? he said i'll probably live to be 100. oh, my god! what did you say again? he said i'm in perfect health. did you ever hear of anything so terrible? it's terrible he told you you'll live 100 years and you come home and scare me. you don't understand. i'm facing a long, empty life. i know what's worrying you. you scared you'll live longer than me, right? no. no?
i'm doing absolutely nothing with my life. i'm not going anywhere. i told you i'll take you to atlantic city. i would like to be doing something worthwhile. being my wife ain't worthwhile? you don't need me anymore. my son is all grown up. i don't do anything! you worked hard all your life. this is your reward. it's like being put out to pasture. i'm not a horse, george. i'm so tired of being a nothing! you're something, all right. who got me out of that mess when ben was about to retire? you.
you. when i work all day and come home uptight, who puts up with me? oh, george! don't be kissin' me while i'm talkin'! lots of people ain't nothin'. you ain't one of them. you are something. you through talking? yeah. thanks for cheering me up. i'll go finish this meeting. elp. no! i want to help. i'm feeling better. then i move we adjourn this meeting. wait a second. i have a second. all in favor, say "aye." mr. bentley, i-- the aye's have it. wait. what's this meeting about?
weezy, you don't need to get involved. we'll take care of everything. mr. bentley, aren't you needed at the u.n.? i like to think so, but-- like now? you're quite right. toodle-pip. you don't have to go, do you? yes, we do. we have another committee meeting-- the citizens for police brutality. he means citizens against police brutality. can i come? no. it's a closed meeting about the campaign. if they need volunteers, i'll help. we don't need volunteers. we're up to our-- tom. oh. bye, louise. bye. i'm going. where? to the gourmet shop.
i know, but i enjoy browsing. besides, it'll go faster with two doing the shopping. don't you trust me? of course. but i was thinking-- your job is tellin' me what to do. my job is doin' it. i don't need nobody looking over my shoulder. i'm sorry. ok. you should know by now how sensitive i am. well, bye, weez. where are you going? to work. it's saturday, ain't it? why don't you stay home today? i got a problem at work. what problem? rose johnson. she's got husband trouble again.
i can't remember. you can't remember? that's why i got the wrong number. let's go to the willises. i don't want to go. if you're good, you can feed the fish. i don't want to. something else might give you a lift. a ride up on the elevator. the elevator is going down. you need the exercise. weezy, those fish might die. i ain't never heard of a floating surprise party. we'll just have to bring the party to mom. when i say "three," everbody yell "surprise." one, two--
one, two, three. we need some light. no! why not? the fish will think it's daytime. they'll want breakfast. they ain't had dinner yet. well, here we are! what are they? talking fish? aren't you going to feed them? in a minute, weezy. george, you're being ridiculous. what are you looking for? the fish. behind the sofa?
i don't have to feed no fish, then. you said they'd die. i hate fish. where are they? maybe george got louise upstairs. we would have seen them. not if they took the stairs. they're probably up there. let's go. florence, you take the cake. yeah, i do. here comes the elevator. let's surprise them right here. everybody get ready. surprise!
i was taking the jeffersons' picture. you can't fool me, buster. you tell my wife, "better luck next time." i'd have given him a print if he'd asked for it. wasn't that congressman-- i'll never vote for him again. your poor camera. is it going to work? florence. what's going on? we're waitin' for you and mr. jefferson. mrs. jefferson! louise! where did you come from? we walked down. where y'all been? looking for you. george, what is this? it's a surprise birthday party for you. one, two, three. surprise! surprise! surprise!
's part of the surprise. this is fantastic. i had no idea. you almost spoiled it, coming home early this morning. that wasn't a tenant's meeting? no. we were getting ready for tonight. and now, it's presents time! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? happy birthday. many happy returns. happy birthday next tuesday, weez. thank you, all of you. this is wonderful. what's the matter, girl? everybody is giving me things. on my birthday, i only complain when they don't.
you can give me some help with the cooking. your cooking needs some help. i don't see you gettin' no skinnier. you don't see me gettin' no fatter. only around the mouth. i'm not talking about doing the cooking. i'm talking about doing something with my life. i've had it with you feeling sorry for yourself. you got plenty of time and money. use it. you ain't spoiling this party. i'm going to get some ice. i'll come out, and we'll have a party. is he short-tempered! and bullheaded.
there's nothing stopping me but myself. i can do anything. right. what do you want to do? i want to-- i don't know what i want to do. hey. hey, mom. you used to ask me what i wanted to be. you wanted to be a pirate. a pirate? i asked you the same thing. yeah. you wanted-- to be a nurse. do you still want to? sure. then be one. what should i do? walk into a hospital and say, "i want to be a nurse"? there's a nursing program at school.
do you think i could do it? you can do anything. you're right. how about a toast for the birthday girl? you mean to nurse jefferson. say what? i'm going to study to become a nurse. isn't that great? why? i ain't sick. it's a sensational idea. wait a minute. it is a sensational idea. you don't object? i'll be studying a lot. i don't object, weez. oh, george. you're so unselfish. i know. you can get me all the contracts to clean the nurses' uniforms-- george!
? well, we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? to a deluxe apartment ? ? in the sky ? ? we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? we finally got a piece of the pie ? ? beans don't burn on the grill ? ? took a whole lot of tryin' ? that hill ? get up ? just to ? now we're up in the big leagues ? ? gettin' our turn at bat ? ? as long as we live ? ? it's you and me, baby ? ? there ain't nothin' wrong with that ? ? we're movin' on up ? ? movin' on up ? ? to the east side ? ? movin' on up ? ? to a deluxe apartment ?
"jefferson's cleaners "announces the opening of its corporate offices." no. this part. "look for our stores "in chicago and los angeles." you don't have stores there. i didn't say i had stores there. i said look for them. i'm surprised you didn't put in a big picture of yourself. that's a great idea! it's just the right size for wrapping the garbage in. now you won't have to run from store to store. the store managers will come to me. i remember your first office. you had a table in the bathroom. i was the only executive with a chair that flushed.
get it? chain. gong, florence. get it? i want to see your new office. i wish everyone would hurry. me, too. i want to give you a sneak preview. a sneak show-off. it's the american dream. 10 years ago, i was a little guy with one store. now you're a little guy with seven stores. nothing can make me mad today. give me a raise. no. see? i was happy to turn her down. george, finish dressing. they'll be here soon.
only if it ain't worth telling. i won't tell you. it sounds juicy. i got george a present to celebrate the opening of his new office. you just ran out of juice. it's a gold watch. helen is picking it up. i'm all set. you don't know anything. i could have told you that. do i look successful enough? tailor-made suit, monogrammed shirt, new silk tie. is that a tie? i thought your tongue was hanging out. who asked you? that's just what i thought. if i paid you to think, you could cash your check at a penny arcade. that's where i cash it now. i got to change.
what do you mean? lionel is joining the business. when did he decide to do that? in an hour from now. george, he always says no. [doorbell rings] he ain't going to say no this time. i got all 50 of the papers you wanted. what is all this? i wanted a few copies of my advertisement. you got enough there to paper-train king kong. it was a pleasure, sir, even though they are heavy. i'll help you. here, weezy. this is for you. you're too generous.
anything you need, just let me know. would you like me to get that spot out of your pants? weezy, why didn't you tell me? what are you doing? take these to my store. you can't walk around like that. ha ha ha! what are you laughing at? your legs. i've seen fatter toothpicks. i happen to like george's legs. where else would you put knees like that? i saw knees like that once. on an ostrich. are you finished? i got one more.
florence, you look so nice. i do, don't i? you're dressed for my opening. i'm going to choir rehearsal. everybody's going to my opening! the lord ain't. he's going to choir rehearsal. not if he's heard you sing. [doorbell rings] that ralph is fast. greetings, mr. j. on your new office. are you fred astaire? i understood the occasion demanded formal wear, but i see it's sporty. my pants are being cleaned. i haven't worn this since the funeral. poor aunt amelia. i'm sorry. she was very old. how old was she? she'd have been 112 if she were human.
it runs in the family. it wasn't aunt amelia's funeral. it was for her poodle fifi. those pet funerals seem kind of silly. it was touching. fifi was buried just as she had lived-- with the london times in her mouth. why don't you sit down? i can't. i just came for the address. i have an errand to run. it's in the brockhurst building. i won't be late. ta-ta. do it, baby! i wonder where my pants are. [doorbell rings] it's about time! hey, lionel. it's you. you don't have any pants on.
ooh, i love your legs. and they move real fast, too. there must be a reason why pop isn't wearing pants. he gave them to ralph. isn't your dad overdoing the tipping? weezy, we need bigger towels. [doorbell rings] it's about time. oh, no. what's the matter, george? you lose your bagpipes? no wisecracks from you. about what? i think your towel looks nice. you need cuffs, though. where have you been? i ran all the way. the watch won't be ready until 3:00, and you have to go down
let the party begin! mr. jefferson. your limousine's waiting downstairs. did they send everything i asked for? yes. the limousine's black and the chauffeur's white. let's go, everybody. we got to pick mama up. florence, we're leaving now. have a nice time. that's easy. you ain't comin'. you the limousine driver? yeah. i'm george jefferson. we don't need any more drivers. i hired you to drive. oh! you're that george jefferson. i got people sitting in the car. if you're the chauffeur,
hey, mr. jefferson. i saw your ad. oh, yeah? your getting up there in the old chips. i'm getting too big to hide it. between you and me, how much are you worth? how much is rockefeller worth? them big guys never tell anybody. what's good enough for rockefeller is good enough for me. hey, bartender. yes, sir. is that guy really that loaded? is he loaded? he owns a chain of cleaners. does he come here often? yeah. he lives right upstairs in 12-d. 12-d, huh? that's a lot of money for one guy. yeah.
this is my office. all right, george! this is beautiful! us big tycoons like big offices. oh, george. what about it, weezy? oh, it's... expensive. what do you think, ma? it's lovely. i'm proud of you. behind every successful man is a good woman. that's why i'm proud of you. you did it anyway. hey! let me give you a guided tour. this desk is fabulous!
there was no louis xix. that's why it's so rare. what's this? a sailfish. it took me 6 1/2 hours of pain to land this beauty. you've never been fishing in your life. i know, but for $500, that's the story i'm tellin'. i'm really impressed with your office. how do i look sitting here? like the king of the pygmies. george, there's something wrong with your desk. what? you have louise's picture, but not mine. i'm getting one.
hey! that's real nice, ma. it's my favorite one. i look so young. is this the one taken during the civil war? hey! come on, everybody. this is a grand opening. lionel, open the champagne. george jefferson? present for you. oh, thanks. it's from lionel and jenny for your new office. a rubber tree. thanks, kids. it's nice. be careful. the last time you drank champagne, you could hardly walk. that's because i had to carry you. mama. if this excitement's too much, you can go rest. perhaps you're right.
i'll go drink a toast to him. that sounds great, ma. not that. your father means more to me than that. ladies and gentlemen, i would like to propose a toast to the man of the hour, george jefferson. all right! this man made it against all the odds. he didn't graduate from high school, he's not overly intelligent, he's not handsome-- get to the point. certainly. i forgot it. never mind. i got something important to say.
it's yours. what? i want you in the business. i'm an engineer. they ain't given you no raise or promotion in over a year. you pushed lionel the hardest to get his engineering degree. so the world would know he's educated. now show me you're smart. pop, you know... he loves the idea! i hate the idea. you're outnumbered two to one. welcome aboard, lionel. i didn't say yes. you better not. stay out of this. i'm his wife. that ain't my fault. mr. jefferson, a rubber tree for you. what? us! tom, helen. you shouldn't have.
i already got one. you could mate them. you can always use a new set of tires. louise, it's almost 3:00. you better go get the watch. i almost forgot. i have to leave. lionel, don't make any fast decisions. where are you going? on a little errand. lionel, sit down at your desk. what would i do in your cleaners? about $35,000 a year for openers. 35,000? yeah. dollars? that's right. lionel. remember, we agreed. we don't care anything about money. sure, jenny. $35,000? a year?
mr. jefferson, lionel's on his own, now. nobody can tell him what he can and cannot do. you're not taking this job, and that's it. jenny, you're being domineering. lionel has a right to his opinion. in my opinion-- shut up, tom. yes, my angel. i'm offering you top dollar, an executive position, and all of this. i just don't know. i'll buy you a fish. did you ever think that lionel might like his job? a man can like many jobs. you're only considering the money. you're being bought for $30,000. i resent that, jenny. it's $35,000.
who said $50,000? coming through. what is this? doesn't anybody send candy anymore? this place looks like dog heaven. it's from the vice president of your bank. he should have sent money. that's green. this is nothing to fight about. it's a lot to fight about. but not now. instead of arguing, sit down and discuss it. what do you say? i'm sorry, lionel. me too, jenny. you were right, lionel! no one's right. everything's not black or white. it is in your family. mr. j., here is your officewarming present. what is it?
i didn't know you collected rubber trees. i don't collect them. you won't need a secretary. you'll only need a gardener. there, penelope. play with your friends. your office is smashing. you like it? yes. it's functional, yet it has that je ne sais quoi. not anymore. the exterminator was here. success, mr. j., and many prosperous years. thanks. hey, lionel. shall we tell bentley the good news? my son lionel is joining me in the business. oh, that's marvelous. hold on, pop. i didn't say that. i didn't say that.
that's close to yes. [telephone rings] where's the phone? it sounds like it's in here. that's class. jefferson and son. that's him speaking. say when. what? when. when. when. is this a joke? yeah, i'm listening. yeah. yeah. what? where am i going to get-- hey, hey! wait a minute. hello. hello. what's the matter, pop? weezy.
? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? ? girls were girls and men were men ? ? mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again ? ? didn't need no welfare state ? ? everybody pulled his weight ? ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?
on a perfect car, then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should've done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claims centers are available to assist you 24/7. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. terrible news for you. i got enough of my own, edith. somebody swiped my lunch box on the subway today. somebody swiped your lunch box? oh, look at this. bad news always brings more. do you mind? oh, my, then you didn't have no lunch. no. i went across the street to liebowitz's kosher deli, you know. but wouldn't you know,
dinner's ready! oh, great, i'm starved. let me tell you something, meathead. i'm going to eat you under the table tonight. wait a minute. wait a minute. what do you call this here, huh? chicken chow mein. i made it myself. i don't see no chicken here. that looks like corned beef hash to me. well, it is. we didn't have any chicken. well, what the hell is this other stuff here? it is spaghetti. we didn't have any chinese noodles. what the hell is chinese about this slop? the name, archie. chow mein. oh! come on, daddy. try it. it's good for you. it's kind of tasty and it's very light. well, i'm glad to hear it's light.
edith, go out in the kitchen, will you, and get me something i can eat. get me my cheerios or my cocoa puffs or something. meantime, i'll watch old pinko cronkite on the news. wait a minute. where's the guts to my tv? hey, edith! what's the matter, archie? s the guts to my tv? oh, they couldn't fix it here. they had to take it to the shop. they say it needs a new picture tube. it's going to cost $75. oh, edith, i ain't got that kind of money. gee, the whole world is out to get me today. me, too, archie. i lost grandma's gold locket today. you got the nerve to mention that old hunk of junk in the same breath as my tv?
what worth? an old piece of tin from the civil war? it's old enough to be an antique. ah! i wore it into mr. snider's jewelry shop last year and he saw it and offered me $150 for it. $150? you never told me nothing about that. it ain't the money, archie. you know how i loved grandma. now i ain't got nothing to remember her by. e can get you something a whole lot better to remember her by. what do you mean? listen, that homeowner's insurance policy we got. that'll cover that locket. oh, archie, money can never replace that locket. oh, money ain't gonna replace the locket, edith. the locket will be replaced by a brand-new color tv. what new color tv?
the insurance company's gonna give you for that locket. but mr. snider said the locket was only worth 150. ah, but, edith, you're forgetting your sentimentual value, there. that brings it up another 150 bucks. now, get the policy and don't say no more. but, archie, i-- you're saying more. now, get the policy, huh? ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha! well, it looks like today and i could eat my cocoa puffs here if i had my milk and my bowl and my special spoon from the world's fair. i'll get it. double-header today, huh, arch? what do you mean by that? you're going to cheat the insurance company and ma. why don't you mind your own beeswax, huh? here you are, daddy.
om the world's fair. what's the difference? there's a lot of difference, little girl. what's so special about a spoon? because that spoon happens to fit my mouth. the same way your foot fits your mouth. now, will you go get the world's fair spoon? all right, but it's silly. you know something? i bet you that if i blindfolded you rt. you'd lose, wiseguy. you want to put a quarter on it? you want to lose a quarter? i'll put a quarter down. come on, put it up. you want a bet? there, you got a bet. all right. gloria, blindfold your father. i don't need no blindfold. i can just close my eyes and tell. what's going on? i bet him he can't tell the spoons apart. i got my eyes shut. put the spoons in my hand. no, no, no, no. you'll be able to tell the spoons by feeling the handles. gloria will hold the spoons. you feed him, gloria. go ahead. all right, daddy, you keep your eyes closed.
no peeking. no peeking. okay, open your mouth. ah. well? uh... hah! you can't tell the difference. wait a minute, will you, meathead? give me a chance with the other one there. go ahead. okay, daddy, here's the other one. gloria! don't force him to eat that if he don't want it. that's the one! i got it. that's my spoon. pay me off the quarter. wrong! i've been holding your world's fair spoon the whole time. you owe me a quarter. pay up. you ain't gonna get the quarter. the bet is off. because why? because you are a lousy crook.
here's the policy, archie. good. now, first thing monday morning i'm gonna take this policy down to the guy who sold it to me, joe peterson, an old vfw buddy of mine, and he's going to take care of yours truly, personally. uh, i'm going to have to ask you a very important question, arch, and be careful how you answer. was the locket lost or was it stolen? uh, what's the difference? 300 bucks. huh? ocket was stolen, you're covered. but if it was lost... stolen, stolen, stolen. that's lucky, arch. for a minute there, i thought you'd said lost. no, that's just my way of talking, you know? anytime an item gets stole from me, i always say it's lost. it sounds nicer. yes. agnes, make a note for me to call ed wagner at ben franklin mutual later. wagner's an old buddy of mine. any claim i send over to wagner...
okay, arch, you want to give me the details for the record? yeah, well, edith was out shopping, see. she was wearing the locket then all of a sudden she looked down and there, hanging from around her neck, was no locket. arch, that wouldn't cut no ice. it could've fallen off. no, no, it didn't fall off. it was stolen, joe. yeah, i know it was stolen. but i'm afraid we'll need a few more details. like, uh... like, uh... who could've stolen it. did she see anybody suspicious nearby? yeah. yeah, i was just coming to that, joe. good. go ahead. uh, just before it happened, edith was looking over her shoulder, see, and there, running like hell around the corner, was the neighborhood mugger. neighborhood mugger? yeah. every neighborhood's got one. did, uh, edith describe him?
you mean he ran away too fast before your wife had a good look at him. you took the words right out of my mouth. and did you report this to the police? uh... you got to do that? yeah, if you want to collect. oh, jeez. you didn't do that? you'd better go right down to the police station and make it official. guess i'd better go right down to the police and make it official, yeah. but don't go until you sign the form. yeah. oh, ain't that a shame, joe? i thought i could walk in here and walk out with the check. well, i'll get it to you friday night at the latest. i'll bring it over to the house personally. oh, gee, joe, that's awful nice of you there. by the way, uh, tell edith i'm sorry. about what? about the locket. oh, yeah, about the locket. oh, well, see, we look at it this way. like we, uh, didn't just lose a locket, see.
what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.
well, let me get this straight, ma. the police found the locket? yeah. wasn't archie smart, reporting it, huh? yeah, they made me go down to the police station and identify it. it was so exciting. well, where'd they find it? in a man's pocket. huh? yeah, the pocket of a man called red delaney. he's the one that stole it. they took me in to see the lineup, oh! 'course, they didn't really need me to recognize him because they knew who he was already. it was a lot like in mannix, only the cops wasn't as good-looking. where are you going now, ma? oh, i forgot to do the shopping, i was so excited. it'll just take me 15 minutes. i'll tell you all about it later. okay, ma. oh, gloria! hi, ma.
what's wonderful, michael? gloria, what is wonderful is that we have the house all to ourselves for 15 minutes. let's celebrate. wait a minute, michael. wait a minute. what are we celebrating? they found ma's locket. oh, fantastic. okay, let's celebrate. good. [door opening] oh, look at this. adam and eve nipping at the forbidden fruit again. supposed to do that behind closed doors, you know. it was closed until you opened it. all right, fellas, bring it right in. right this way, here we go. gloria: daddy, what's going on? i am taking delivery on a new tv set. put it right over there by the wall, fellas. feast your eyes on 24 inches of living color. right over there by the plug, boys.
a ball game is coming on. daddy, there's something i hate to tell-- let me enjoy myself. you know, there's about three great moments in a man's life. when he buys a house and a car and a new color tv. that's what america's all about. look, arch, you better listen. leave me alone. there you go, mr. bunker. all set. will you sign here, please? oh, yeah. just show me where to put my john handcrock, here. there. there you go. . thanks. - daddy. - i'm busy, little girl. uh, here's a half a buck. take care of your buddy. look at this, angelo. a whole half a buck. why don't you tell him what he can do with it? i'd rather see him do it with the tv set. oh, look at this.
let me tell you something. i saved myself 120 bucks buying that right off of the floor. daddy, they found ma's locket. what? that's what we've been trying to tell you. what do you mean they found mom's locket? arch, you can't accept the insurance check to pay for this. i got to accept the insurance check to cover the check i just gave them two guys. daddy, you better get that check back or it's going to bounce. oh, holy jeez. hurry up. get them! hey, fellas! hey, fellas! there goes the truck. sure, that's delivery men. coming and fast leaving. let me call the bank. maybe i can put a stopper on the check. arch, you can't do that. you already accepted delivery on the tv. you can get in trouble for that. that's right. now what am i gonna do? get away from me, will you? let me think. wait a minute, wait-- where's your mother? well, she's out for a few minutes. listen, if joe peterson gets here with the check before your mother comes back, i don't have to tell him your mother got the locket back. yeah, but she did. but she didn't tell me that. well, so what? we told you. you!
now, i'll handle this, see. gloria, gloria, come on now. come on. be a good little girl. do daddy a favor, huh? here, get your coat and put it on. now go out in the street and run up and down there, see. when you see your mother, just head her off. daddy, you won't let ma in her own house because you know she won't lie for you. i don't want her to lie for me. i just want her to stay away and keep her mouth shut for me. arch, it's the same thing. it ain't the same thing, meathead! it's like the all-american horse trading, see. a guy goes in to buy a horse. he don't ask if it's blind in one eye and the owner don't tell him. see, that ain't lying, that's business. that's right, arch, that's business, and it starts right at the top with our own government feeding us lies. if your government tells you a lie, it's for your own good. like what i'm doing here is for your own good. leave me alone. go on, do what i told you to do, huh? i got to call joe peterson. daddy, what do you mean, "for our own good"? was the itt scandal for our own good?
i'm worrying about saving a tv, and they're screaming at me about a little bugging. a little bugging? arch, that's an invasion of privacy, a right guaranteed us by the constitution. people have fought and died for that. come on, arch, you should understand that. you, of all people. why'd you go out and fight the nazis? i was drafted. now will you get out of here and do what i tell you, huh? [doorbell rings] no, wait a minute, wait a minute. there's the bell. that could be peterson at the door. i don't want you talking to him. , no, arch, we're going out the front way and we're going to keep going. we don't want any part of this. come on, gloria. don't you say nothing there. uh, mr. bunker? no, no, he's right over here. the good, old-fashioned american horse trader. come on, gloria. how do you do, sir? i'm from benjamin franklin mutual. uh, well, where's joe peterson? oh, i'm handling this claim myself. oh, i get it. you're the buddy, wagner. no, but mr. wagner works for me. my name is fairchild
well, you got the check? right here, mr. bunker. oh, well, mr. fairchild, as you can see, i was just going out the door. so why don't you slip me the check and i can be on my way. well, not quite that fast, sir. you see, i have a couple of questions to ask. may i come in? yeah, well, mr. fairchild, you know, i really-- i ain't got much time. well, this isn't going to take much time. may i sit down? you see, mr. fairchild, i'm an awful quick answerer, so couldn't we just have a little give-and-take standing up here? well, actually, mr. bunker, you see, it's your wife that i want to talk to. are just one or two points in this claim that are a little fuzzy. yeah, mr. fairchild, but, uh, if you think you're going to unfuzz them by talking to my wife, you're wrong. [doorbell rings] a-ha! that may be mrs. bunker now. no, no, my wife always got her own key. wait a minute. it's one of the neighbors. i'll only be two minutes. wait here.
shh! i know that, edith. take a walk around the block, huh? what for? what for? i don't know. count the fire hydrants or something. why? ah, mrs. bunker? yeah. won't you come in? are you coming, archie? i'm mr. fairchild from the benjamin franklin insurance company. oh, yeah. how do you do? how do you do? itchen and i'll be right with you. mr. fairchild, sit down in the chair. i want to tell you something about my wife. don't be asking her too many questions because she's a very nervous person around strangers, see. come, come, mr. bunker. that locket wasn't stolen. it was lost. it was stolen, mr. fairchild. fairchild: stolen? yeah. then in that case, would you please give me a complete description of the man who took it?
oh, yeah, i can. he was 5 feet, 6 inches tall, brown hair, blue eyes, very thin, and a fever blister on his lower lip. don't overdo it, huh? you wouldn't happen to know his name, too? no, no, no, she don't know his name. oh, yeah. red delaney. mr. bunker, why didn't you tell this to mr. peterson? well, listen, i mean, i would have done that, rag the truth out of my wife. i don't know how you done it. you must got a way with you, you know? would you just give me a few moments to add these new facts to your claim and i'll be right with you? yeah, you take all the time you want there. edith, come here a minute, will ya? come here. are you all right? yeah, i'm fine. why? i ain't never seen you lie before. archie, i wasn't lying-- shush. shush. he swallowed that baloney hook, line, and sinker,
just quit while you're ahead, huh? fairchild: now, mrs. bunker, your claim seems to be in order, so if you will just be kind enough to sign this right there. sure. what is it? oh, it's just a simple statement saying that your locket was stolen and you know nothing of its whereabouts. just sign the statement, edith, and we get the check. but i do know where the locket is. huh? yeah. no. yeah. no! yeah. the police have it. aw, jeez. the police? yeah, they're holding it for evidence till after the trial. the trial of red delaney? yeah, the trial of red delaney. "the trial of red delaney." oh, that sounds just like a movie, don't it, archie?
well, that is that. i'm sure you must be very happy, mrs. bunker. i know i am, and the company will be delighted. oh, i just love happy endings, don't you, archie? now, you just call me anytime you want me, and remember, benjamin franklin is there when you need us. goodbye. goodbye, and thank you. archie, can i ask you a question? of course you may, edith. did you really think i was lying? oh, edith. i mean, with $300 waltzing out the door that way, do you really think i give a damn?
? boy, the way glenn miller played ? ? songs that made the hit parade ? ? guys like us we had it made ? ? those were the days ? ? and you knew where you were then ? ? girls were girls and men were men ? ? mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again ? ? didn't need no welfare state ? ? everybody pulled his weight ? ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?
how was your day? lousy, edith, lousy. the world out there is full of nuts and fruitcakes, and sometimes i think i'm gonna go the same way. oh, no. oh, be prepared, edith. if i got to ride them subways another two years, you're gonna have to check me into a rubber room. oh, ain't that funny? bertha-- i was coming home-- i'm talking, edith. i'm coming home tonight and it's sardine time again. here's a guy pressed up against me so close, his buttons are making permanent dents in my flesh, see? so there we are. we're riding nose to nose, and he starts talking to his daughter. well, what's the matter with that? she wasn't there, edith. then on top of that, the bum behind me had beans for lunch.
i could tell by the way he smiled at me. oh. why ain't supper on the table here, huh? well, can you wait a little while? gloria ain't home from work yet. aw, jeez, there's another one that lost her nuts and bolts. it's bad enough she's married to the meathead. now she's got to go working his way through school. edith, where's the aspirin? i have a head coming on. it's upstairs. and downstairs when i'm upstairs? can't you never organize nothing, edith, huh? oh, well, i'll get it. no, no, no, don't bother. i'll get the aspirin. get supper on the table, huh? jeez, one of these days i'm gonna come home from work and i'm gonna reach out my two hands to get the things that i need and i want and i'm gonna find them... oh, hello, gloria. how was your day at work? lousy, ma. i'm telling you,
to begin with, it was sales day at the store. do you have any idea what 50% off does to nice, normal women? it turns them into raving lunatics. did you ever see a size 18 fatso trying to zip herself into a size 10? no, but i remember-- ma! i'm talking, ma. now, if that wasn't bad enough, rdine in a can. and lucky me, i got to be standing right next to a groper. he made me feel like a fresh loaf of wonder bread. oh, my. i tell you, the only good thing about getting on a bus nowadays is knowing that you're getting off again. hold it, hold it there, little girl. i could hear them complaints all the way up in the toilet. listen, you ain't been working long enough to know, but when you come home at the end of the day,
you come in with a cheerful word and a smile. don't be bringing your burdens in here and dumping them on your mother. will you get supper on the table? mike ain't home yet. oh, good. maybe we'll get a chance to look at the food now before it disappears. in the meantime, can you bring me a beer over here? oh, sure, archie. ma, why isn't michael home yet? did he say he'd be late? no, i don't think so. he's got to help me move that refrigerator out there. i got to fix a pipe that's leaking behind it. gloria: hi, michael. hi. how was your day? lousy. ah! what's the matter? ah! no, nothing. it's just a little bit of a twinge. it's your side again, isn't it? it's that dumb appendix. yeah. that's why i'm late. i've just been to see dr. nelson about it. oh, hi, mike.
michael, i told you months ago you should have that taken care of. well, gloria, dr. nelson said it's just a typical grumbling appendix. there's no emergency. yeah, but it could flare up at any time. but he said i could have it out whenever i'm ready. michael, i think you're ready. yeah. i just don't like the idea of being cut. ah, face up to it like a man, will you? jeez, i had an operation. nobody heard me hollering around. right, edith? oh, no, no, archie. you fainted. who asked you? i don't need an operation. i mean, i can continue with the ice pack. why rush into these things? but, michael, if it's gotta go, it's gotta go. why hang on to something that's useless? that's what i've been asking you ever since you married him. maybe the appendix ain't useless. maybe god put it there for doctors to practice up on for more serious operations.
well, nobody's going to practice up on me. i mean, when i decide to have this operation, i'm gonna have the best. dr. nelson recommended the best surgeon he knew. he called dr. mckenzie. well, you know who i think we should call? who? chicken delight, edith, because we ain't gonna get no supper out of you. i'll help you, ma. michael, i think you should have that appendix taken care of right away. gloria, i'm not ready yet. besides, where's the money coming from to pay for it? our savings account. oh, no, no, no. that's your money. michael, that's our money. we each contribute in our own way. that's right. you contribute deposits. he contributes withdrawals. daddy, our marriage is an equal partnership. we share everything. well, tell your equal partner he's gonna share some work with me tonight after supper. gonna move that refrigerator. michael, don't you move anything, not the way you're feeling tonight. don't be getting him out of work, will you? he gets out of enough work himself. all right, arch.
ah! ah, ah, no, no, no. ah, jeez, what's this supposed to be now? it's a pain. i got a-- i got a sharp pain right here. you're giving me a dull pain right there. ah, leave me alone, will you, arch? gloria! yeah? will you get me an ice pack, please? oh, is it worse? yeah, it's worse. oh, gee, maybe i'll have to have that operation after all. i don't know how we're gonna pay for it. soup's on! od. it's about time, too. jeez, we're all starving over here. what kind of soup you got, edith? oh, we're not having soup, archie. well, what the hell are you yelling "soup's on" for? it's just an expression. it means dinner's ready. well, why can't you just say, "dinner's ready"? all right. dinner's ready! ah, no. not now. here you are, michael. here's your ice pack. you'd better take off your pants.
chael: why not? mixed company here. mixed company? your mother don't want to see him standing in his drawers. arch, it's for my side. yeah, your side, your side. it's for your lower side, which ain't supposed to be seen except behind bedroom doors. now get upstairs. here's some water, and i'll bring your plate. you don't have to sit up at the table. oh, that's all right, ma. i don't feel like eating, anyway. hold it, hold it. what's this i hear? he don't feel like eating? you're gonna have me believing he's really sick. you, meathead? you really feel bad? yeah, that's what i've been trying to tell you. i feel terrible. oh. oh, jeez. well... i better eat. michael, i think you should have that operation soon. gloria, do you know how much dr. mckenzie charges? 350 dollars. 350 dollars?
why do you think they wear masks when they operate? gloria: wait a minute. wait a minute. why don't we ask audrey stern to do the operation? audrey stern? remember? she worked with us on the youth vote registration campaign. dr. audrey stern? oh, yeah. she did mary goodwin's appendix for only 150 dollars. why don't i call her tonight? well, i-- i don't know, gloria. it doesn't sound ethical. it sounds cheaper. it sounds stupid. what do you mean, stupid? i mean, little girl, that i wouldn't let no doctor by the name of audrey fool around with me. you take my advice there, meathead. you stick to a man. you get yourself an older guy with experience, like mckenzie. daddy, how do you know how old dr. mckenzie is? you never even heard of him till five minutes ago.
who didn't have savvy. so you're saying you'd rather be operated on by a doddery old man than an efficient young woman? that is right, little girl, because a woman doctor's only good for women's problems, like your "groinecology" there. for a man's problems, you need a man doctor who knows his way around in there. nobody wants some nervous dame foostering around there. cut the wrong string and the poor guy's keister would fall off. daddy! what about you? what kind of a wife are you? ain't you got no concern for your husband? he don't want to be operated on by no woman. all right, daddy, that's enough out of you. michael, what do you think? should we call audrey stern? i don't know, gloria. i was just thinking, uh, i don't know if i like the idea of a friend operating on me. are you saying that a woman's reflexes
well, then it must be that men are smarter than women. is that it? bull's-eye, little girl. bull, period, daddy. you hear the lip on your daughter there? mm-hmm. well, michael? is that it? are men smarter than women? gloria, i didn't say that. yeah, but you meant it. admit it, michael. you're as bad as daddy. gloria, this is my appendix. it's my operation, so i want to pick my doctor! and pay him with my money. oh, now it's your money. a minute ago, it was our money. all right, michael, our money, but that means at least i have a say in how we spend it. yes! when it's your appendix, you'll have a say. oh, listen, michael, this is-- no, you listen-- aah! michael, what's the matter?! that's it. it's flaring up. call the doctor. call the doctor. ma, call the doctor.
oh, i think i'm running a temperature. edith: i'll get the thermometer. yeah, i'm burning up. i'll get you a cool cloth, michael. archie: yeah, well, when are you gonna hear shush, will you? i'm on the line here. excuse me. yeah? yeah, well, all right. well, when he comes in, have him call us, will you? as quick as possibly. yeah, thank you very much. daddy, why did you go and call dr. mckenzie? you knew i wanted dr. audrey stern. how could you do that? arch? what did dr. mckenzie say? i didn't talk to him. don't worry. they're trying to find him. he's gonna call us as soon as he comes in. thanks, arch. thanks?
well... i mean, you know audrey stern and you like her, right? right. and she's a good surgeon? right. so? so i'm glad archie called dr. mckenzie. daddy, this is all your fault. listen, little girl, one of the facts of life is that doctors are supposed to be men. men invented medicine, didn't they? men made up your hypocritical oath there. women, if they want to be something, let them be nurses. that's a ridiculous argument, daddy. oh, thanks, ma. can i get you some more ice for your side? no, this is fine, ma. michael, we could get audrey stern here in a flash and save ourselves $200 at the same time, but no, you won't trust a woman. [mumbling] gloria, that's not the point. i just want a good doctor! he's absolutely right. mckenzie costs more because the best always cost more. that's how you tell what's good in america. it costs more.
and you can't get better than him. maybe we ought to turn on the tv, edith, and welby will jump out of the set and help us. daddy, mckenzie gets more than audrey stern because women are always underpaid. look at ma! what are you dragging her into it for? she don't work. oh, no? what do you call housework, a vacation? well, it ain't work. no, you sure don't see ma paid for it. no, i sure don't see me being paid for it. will you stifle yourself over there? well, housework is an important job, archie. it's just as important as your job. that is a whole lot of baloney there, edith. the man is the breadwinner and you women have your bread won for you. that's the way it is all over the world. you're wrong, arch. there are plenty of tribes
well, there's a tribe in new guinea... don't be bringing the i-talians into it. god made women to stay at home. how do you know that, archie? because it's in the bible, edith. look it up, huh? all them old bible guys, they was always out there hunting and fishing. the women stayed home and had babies, which they called in them days "begotten," for religious reasons. and in between all the begotten, the women was sweeping up the tents, they was milking the cows, polishing up all the idols... 102. as many as they had. no, that's my temperature. yeah, i don't feel good at all. oh. gloria: michael, what's the matter? oh, i don't feel good. can i help? i'm sick. get out of the way! what is it? michael!
i better pack a bag for the hospital for him, just in case. what did dr. mckenzie say? i didn't talk to him, edith. they're trying to find the man. he could be on any golf course in town. well, maybe we should've called dr. stern. she would've been here now. she's in the neighborhood. so is thomas eddy, the butcher, but i wouldn't call him for an operation. ma? michael threw up. he's really sick. i'm gonna call audrey stern right now. [telephone rings] no! hello? yes. this is mrs. stivic. oh, my husband is really sick. he has a temperature now of 102 and he just-- the receiving room in a half an hour. yes, we'll have him there. thank you very much. was that dr. mckenzie? no, that was his nurse. she said to get michael to the hospital right away. i'll pack the bag right now.
know how we're gonna pay him. have you thought about that? yeah, i thought about that. you ain't gonna pay him. what? i am. but daddy, you can't do that. now, don't be telling me what i can't do, little girl. but, daddy, it's such a lot of money. yeah, i know it's a lot of money. all right, youse pay me back whenever you can. i'll put it on the meathead's tab. daddy, that's so sweet of you. don't be slobbering me like your mother, now. now, wait a minute, wait a minute. wait a minute. come here. now, don't tell michael nothing about my paying for that. i don't want him to know nothing about it. but, daddy, michael should know. i mean, you're doing such a nice thing for him. well, after all, you know, he's, uh... the only meathead you got, right? daddy, sometimes i could just-- and then sometimes you're-- thank you, daddy.
michael: oh, boy. michael, are you feeling a little bit better now? yeah, a little bit better. the ice pack is helping. oh, good, because we're gonna take you to the hospital, right away. huh? just come on. sit down right over here. ma's getting your bag. here it is, all packed. well, i don't know about going to the hospital. i mean, i feel better now. oh, it's just like going to the dentist. when you know you're going, your tooth always stops aching. yeah. i wish this were a tooth. oh, no, mike. it would be much more serious if there was a tooth down there. what was that, ma? well, you would have to have swallowed it like a cherry pit, and it would've got stuck in your appendix. stop, ma. when mrs. wiedermeyer had her appendix out, the doctor said it was an apple seed stuck in there.
and the doctor got to it just before it blew up. i think i'm sick again. all right, we're all set. i called a cab. it'll be over in a few minutes. oh, gee, i'm not looking forward to this at all. don't worry, sweetheart. i'm gonna be right there with you. ma, did you remember to pack everything? uh, his toothbrush and his razor? ah, he won't need no razor in the hospital. if there's any shaving to be done, they know where to do it. i think i got everything. did you remember his teddy bear? stop it, daddy. i'm only trying to cheer him up. his pajamas. i forgot his pajamas. i'll get them-- aah! michael, wait! michael, what's the matter?
is he all right, doctor? yes, he's fine. he'll be coming around any minute now. any problems with the operation there, doc? no, no problems at all. that appendix came out like a loose cork. but you didn't get him here a minute too soon. we had to rush him straight onto the table. oh, my. it's lucky nobody else was lying on it. yeah. archie, don't mike look well? first time i ever seen him his mouth wasn't working. i can't thank you enough, dr. mckenzie. uh... oh, i'm not dr. mckenzie. i'm the anesthetist. dr. mckenzie will be here any minute. oh, here she is now. are you really dr. mckenzie?
[giggles] it's very nice to meet you. i'm mrs. stivic. how do you do? what's so funny? oh, forgive me for laughing, doctor, but my father though that you were an old man and i'm glad you're not. so am i. daddy, would you come over here for a second, please? i have to talk to you. what? come here. i-- i just want to know what you think now. i mean, the operation's a success,
any. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. [??] announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape
oh, uh, barney? william krebs, a.k.a. bingo. what's happening with the world? i'm not sure, mr. krebs. he was, um, he was mugged while entertaining a crowd of moviegoers outside the tivoli theater over on houston. what man? i'm afraid you were the third clown to be assaulted in this precinct in the last two weeks. i didn't have the heart to say it. uh, well... they also got a mime and a juggler, couple of one-man bands. you mean there's some guy running around out there who only picks on people like me? i'm afraid so. [ telephone rings ]
filling out forms, measuring dents, having to talk with people who were basically very unhappy, just like me. i can imagine. and then one morning, i woke up. i quit my job. i left my wife and my three kids. and i became this -- bingo, the clown who brings joy and laughter to a world hungry for both. on behalf of the entire planet, thank you. [ horn honks ] okay, mr. landry, right this way, please. i hope you guys realize you have ruined my party. oh, that's okay. you can cry if you want to. you would cry, too, if it happened to you. [ laughter ] i got the album. what album? uh, sir, this is mr. andrew landry. charges include disturbing the peace, destruction of private property, and solicitation of prostitution.
i heard a lot about you in the car. what happened? well, when we got to the hotel, uh, the night clerk led us directly to, uh, mr. landry's hospitality suite. well, we found old landry, here. he was hosting a stag film, while, uh, assorted trollops served cocktails to the guests and, um, the food fight just raged on in the master bedroom. apparently the first pizza roll was hurled when the boys from bed-stuy accused manhattan south y precinct. there were cops there? yeah, about 30 of them, including, uh, these two. well, barn, you see, um, uh, mr. landry here -- he's, uh, in town representing the burgeoning metropolis of mesa city, new mexico. he's, um, he's trying to find himself a police department. a police recruiter, sir. thank you, levitt. i'm sorry if things got a little out of hand, captain, but you know how cops get after a couple of drinks.
oh. well, then maybe you'd like to sit down and have a chat over a cup of coffee. mr. landry, you don't -- you see, captain, mesa city is not just on the lookout for patrolmen. mr. landry -- we also have several high-paying positions of leadership available for men in command positions. book him. whoo! uh, mr. landry. oh, no. he's -- he's spoken for. oh? yeah. you want to just, uh... but, now, he's available. now, the thing is, sergeant, mesa city offers a unique blend of social and cultural opportunities that is tailor-made for the young man on the go.
i mean, we have our own symphony, the jubilee dinner theater and ballet, several prominent art galleries, a rodeo. oh, yahoo. inside. but, uh, but on a more personal note, sergeant, as a minority member, your opportunities in regard to community leadership and rapid advancement within the department are virtually limitless. so i'd be it, huh? well, i'll have to check that. mm-hmm. sir, you wanted to see me? uh, yes, levitt. come in. come in. sit down. sit down, sir? yeah. thank you. it's my mother, isn't it? huh? my deaf sister.
it's just about the medal of valor. oh? yeah, i, uh, i opened the mail. i came across this letter from the citation board. was the, uh, medal enclosed, sir? you're not getting the medal, carl. they turned you down. didn't you tell them i saved the life of a small boy at considerable risk to my own? well aware of that. oh. well, then, did they offer a particular reason, or are they just kissing me off for kicks? i'll read you exactly what they wrote. "board acknowledges that the actions "taken by officer carl levitt on november 12, 1981, "were noteworthy, "well in keeping with the high level of excellence "maintained by the new york city police department. however, request denied." well, that certainly explains it.
shut your mouth. hey, a clown. is he for us? stick with your party. what with my nebulous status to begin with, and now... excuse me. uh, there's something out here i think you should know about. excuse me, levitt. it's okay, sir. i'll just sit here quietly and maintain my level of excellence. all right, what do we got? gilbert doyle, edward crenshaw, and vincent royer. your boys didn't even let us finish our dinner. me too. barn, when we got to the cafeteria, there was about 20 of these creeps going crazy in the food line, stealing trays, not paying for them, tipping over tables, pushing people around. hey, we were celebrating. what were you celebrating? we just got out of jail. today? tonight. tonight? an hour ago.
they woke me up. uh, barney, there's an assault in progress at the magnolia theater over on 3rd. that's mr. jingles' corner. all right. you and, uh... i'll go, sir. thank you, levitt. and when i get back, you can begin to process my resignation. i'm quite sure they'll approve that. landry: uh, excuse me. okay, cowboy, you got a deal. great.
all right, let's get on with this. what's with these guys? what's with levitt? wojo. barn, you must have done something. i didn't do anything. [ sighs ] they turned down his medal. oh, you're kidding. what medal? can we get on with this, please? yeah, sure. okay. according to these guys, they were all doing time at rikers until about midnight tonight,
the buses were waiting. it was really weird. i mean, i'm relaxing in my cell, fighting with this dope dealer over my blanket. next thing i know, boom, i'm being piled in a bus with 100 other cons. they dumped us on wall street. it was madison, fruit ball. oh. i saw a wall. that's when a bunch of them decided to celebrate bastille day by wrecking the cafeteria. when we got there, they all scattered. these were the only three we could grab. yeah, lucky us. processing them. dietrich, get on to rikers island. see if you can find out what's happening. right. vinny, come on. does this mean i have to finish my sentence? hey, man, shut up. your what? well, i could be wrong, but according to my calendar, i should still be in jail. me too. really?
dietrich. i'm on it, barn. all right, woj. all right, get over to the desk. put out your valuables. we know the procedure. then get on it. barn? uh, this thing with levitt. oh, wojo, please. not now. okay, then who is this guy? andrew landry, land of enchantment. you, uh... you like turquoise? so then, around '65, i couldn't make up my mind whether i wanted to go straight into med school or work in a hospital first, get some practical experience. uh-huh. so i robbed a shoe store and bought drugs.
them in the cage. i put in that call to rikers. the guy should be coming down soon. all right. something else? yeah, well... yeah, well... thinking about, uh, levitt -- the medal and all that. yeah. it's all politics, isn't it? yeah, that's what it is. you think he's gonna quit? i don't know. how about that libyan hit team, huh? i'm just trying to lighten things up.
[ horn honks ] did you call me? i did. i'm sergeant dietrich. sergeant, gordon kaiser, new york city department of corrections. right. you know any of these guys? well, let's take a look. well, you know, i really can't be sure. i just woke up. hold on. i'll get the captain. hi, mr. kaiser. what the hell are you doing in there? wrecked a restaurant. what? it happens. but you promised me you'd be good. you'd get on a bus and disappear. aw, how about that? mr. kaiser, i'm captain miller. captain miller, it's a pleasure. well, what seems to be the problem? well, according to these gentlemen, they were yanked out of jail, put on a bus, and dumped in the middle of manhattan. ah. ah. that's true. that's true, but not entirely accurate.
uh, excuse me. excuse me, sergeants. you guys haven't even touched my brochure. well, we, uh, we've been busy. the point is, captain, what with rikers being so hopelessly overcrowded as it is, we decided that it would be a very innovative concept to, uh, prune back on our misdemeanor offenders. "prune back"? second-story men, petty thieves, et cetera. and thereby making valuable cell space available for the far more despicable and deserving criminals. if this is such a great idea, mr. kaiser, why'd you sneak them out in the middle of the night? sentimental reasons. [ laughing ] look, captain -- mr. kaiser, what is it you want of me? it's no big thing.
just ignore the charges? just forget about the fact that they practically destroyed a restaurant? okay. captain, i don't think you fully appreciate my situation. now, if this little incident out here ever leaks to the press, it will not only prove embarrassing, but may jeopardize an otherwise very progressive and successful program. maybe. all right, come on, duncan. step inside here. weren't you in charge last time? just get in here. that's him. that's the guy who robbed me. hey, you must be mistaking me for some other clown. clown! [ laughing ] ooh, sorry. captain, if you could just, for a moment, put yourself in my shoes. wrong size, mr. kaiser. what?
yeah? you, uh, you remember arthur duncan here. back again, duncan? what was it last time? ripping off the salvation army, wasn't it? mm-hmm. and before that, uh... assaulting the handicapped. right. so, you're all looking well. what happened? well, when we drove up in front of the theater, we found arthur here pinned against the ticket booth by one mr. jingles and woof-woof the wonder dog. wearing a derby -- very funny. so you're up to clowns now, huh, duncan? well, i can't help it. my -- my father never took me to the circus. well, maybe it was the boat show. take his statement. uh, circus boy, take a seat over there, huh? yeah, sure. right. sir, if you won't be needing me for anything else. levitt. officer levitt, if you'd like to get the ball rolling,
ll you just shut up?! um, captain. [ sighs ] not now, mr. kaiser, please! sir, sir, i don't mind. i got some paperwork. pencil okay? landry: fine. as i was about to say, captain, i just spoke to the boys. now, they've given me every assurance that if you release them in my custody, they promise to straighten up and fly right. barney, i just checked out the boys. two of them, royer and doyle -- they're both short-time burglars. this guy on the left, crenshaw, truck a month ago. he's doing 10 years. what? really? yeah, i just got in line. well, that is a turn of events, but i see no reason why one slight little oversight should deter you from releasing the other fine men. sure, why not? wojo, turn them loose.
all of them. all of -- all of them! come on! turn them loose! you too, mr. duncan. you're free to go. why not? why not?! they're gonna be out of here in a couple of days anyway! let's face it, wojo. all we're doing up here is spinning our wheels, pretending that what we do means something, and it means nothing! and why? somebody explain why. why do we do it? the respect? recognition? that wonderful feeling of achievement we get as we watch a bunch of punks laughing their way through the system? [ telephone rings ] sir, if it'll make things any better around here, i'll stay. no, levitt, i think you should go. i really do. i think we should all go. i think we should all just pack up and get out of here!
because, let's face it, we're in the way! barney, i got dispatch on the line. about 15 guys just crashed an after-hours club over on 19th. really? barney, we still here? [ sighs ] yeah, that's everybody. all right, we're on our way. good for you, barn. come on, duncan, let's go. get in the cage. let's get some cars. nice speech, barn. harris: come on. come on. sir, you're not getting rid of me that easy. i'm gonna go downstairs and grab some uniforms. hell in a handbasket? it's late. captain, maybe i better go down with them just in case. i'd appreciate that, mr. kaiser.
[ chuckling ] god, you're good. thing is, i've already brought so much happiness and good cheer to the people of this city, it occurred to me -- maybe it's only fair that i move on and bring my gift of sunshine to other people in other places. uh-huh. where'd you say you were from? baltimore. oh. we're back. all right, inside, harris. hey. it's habit. how'd it go?
so we, uh, busted in, we rounded them up, and we headed them out. i read the brochure. the, um, paddy wagon took them all over to manhattan south, and, uh, mr. kaiser just went along for the ride. fine. look, uh, it's almost the end of the shift. uh, why don't you guys run that bunch downtown and head on home? all right. uh, sir, i'd like to say something before we adjourn into the dawn. yes, levitt. well, it's just, uh, i think i speak for all of us when i say that no matter how tedious or frustrating or unrewarding the job may seem at times, it's the privilege of serving under an officer of your caliber and dedication that somehow makes the whole wacky ball of wax worthwhile. right, guys? yeah, right, levitt. i got nothing to add.
good morning, gentlemen. levitt. captain in yet? afraid not. i was hoping he'd be here when i posted this. why -- what is it? oh, it's just the promotion bulletin announcing the candidates for deputy inspector spring '82, heading the list of which is the name miller, bernard j. oh. harris, that's what the physical's about. you got to have one when you're up for a promotion. thank you, wojo. morning, gentlemen. sir. barn. something going down?
deputy inspector list came out. you're on it. oh. [ chuckles ] [ telephone rings ] they called from downtown. you have an appointment for a physical at noon. oh, thank you. okay. disturbance in washington square. uh, you and harris. uh, sir, i'll post this, along with the lesser announcements. fine. once again, my heartfelt congratulations on your nomination. thank you.
neckoy zebib matchkda. yeah, well, um, let's keep a good thought. [ chuckles ] there's no talking to her. what? doctor i talked to said it's some kind of gibberish she invented. she's a resident of the eastside psychiatric center. she wandered off during the fire drill. somebody's coming over to pick her up. okay, you want to step right in here, please, mr. bishop? well, that's all we ask. what have we got here? his name is philip bishop -- trespassing, creating a public nuisance. he chained himself to the fence over on washington square. we got him unlocked and told him to go home, and, well, you can't talk to this guy. i wanted to be arrested. glad we could be of service, mr. bishop. he was screaming at all the food venders.
trying to get me to eat something. you see, mr. bishop is on a hunger strike. they kept saying things like, "eat a hot dog." "try a falafel." one guy even had chestnuts roasting on an open fire. but i didn't give into them, and i'm not going to until things are set straight. what things would those be, mr. bishop? here, show him the list. mr. bishop has drawn up a list of demands which are certainly food for thought. i want to put a halt to the nuclear buildup in europe. i want the camp david agreement put back on track. i want an immigration visa for andrei sakharov. and i want my cleaning deposit back. apparently, mr. bishop has a bone to pick with the owner of his apartment building. you're darn right. look, i have kept that place spotlessly clean.
oh... and now, all of a sudden, they're telling me that my deposit is nonrefundable. well, look, i happen to be a person of integrity, and i'm telling you -- i'm telling you -- take it easy, take it easy. i'm sorry. i-i got a little dizzy. i was hallucinating this morning. how long has it been since you've eaten? i have not put a morsel of food in my body go ahead. eat in front of me. i don't care. you want one? i'll eat a doughnut when europe is nuclear free. might be gone by then. so might europe. now the good old boys over at the pentagon are thinking they can have a limited nuclear war and win it.
it's got to be stopped. okay. so what are you gonna do about the russians and all of their missiles? i wrote them a letter. they haven't gotten back to me yet. [ knock on door ] mm-hmm? i finished the defalco report. oh, thank you. oh, listen, if you want, i'll handle things here while you're taking your physical. it's okay. , i don't mind. it won't be necessary. i'll sit out there. [ knock on door ] yes? excuse me, there's a dr. packer here. don't you think that we, as psychiatric professionals, are in a better position than you to deal with ms. smith's mental condition? no, i don't. i happen to have a phd and a masters degree in abnormal psychology.
you got it on you? uh, doctor, i'm captain miller. i'm dr. michael packer, eastside psychiatric center. problem, dietrich? no, just a little professional disagreement. uh, i've been trying to explain to your man here that ms. smith suffers from an acute form of schizophrenia. and, therefore, she is totally unresponsible for her actions. i don't buy that. he doesn't buy that? i talked to another doctor at the hospital. she's been institutionalized for over 20 years, shuffled from one place to another. maybe nobody ever really tried to treat her. and maybe that's because we've determined she's untreatable. i think she has the ability to communicate. dietrich. as i've already explained to sergeant dietrich, the gibberish she uses is what we in psychiatry refer to as verbigeration. it's the repeating of senseless rhymes and phrases.
eans absolutely nothing. we should look into it a little further. captain. what is the status of ms. smith's arrest? the florist is pressing charges. i'm afraid, doctor, that ms. smith will have to remain in custody until bail is posted, at which point she will be released immediately. sergeant dietrich will give you all the details. thank you. fine. mail call. why, sir, it's almost quarter to the hour. any of that stuff for me? you'll be late for your physical. i'm not going! i'm not going because i've decided to remove my name from consideration for deputy inspector.
no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so.
i waited 10 minutes. and i appreciate that. uh, dietrich went out. he said he was going up to columbia to talk to somebody about mrs. malaprop. and i promised him that i'd stall the doctor until he got back. okay. fine. look, if you'd really rather not talk about it -- i'd really rather not talk about it. okay. look, i just decided i'm not gonna let them jerk me around anymore. three times i've been passed over for this thing -- '75, '78, '80. i mean, what's the point of putting myself through it all over again?
i'd just as soon forget about the whole thing, save myself and liz and everybody else a lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of disappointment. [ sighs ] oh. come on, barn, i know how you feel. i mean, what with losing that lawsuit and my writer's block and all, but i didn't. i kept on writing, even though i knew i might fail, even though my work might be rejected, and i'm gonna keep on trying. and you know why, barn? 'cause i really need the money. harris. hey, look, don't get me started. yes, wojo?
d to fill you in on the details. okay. uh, you still want me to take bishop down to the tombs? why not? he's still on his hunger strike. he'll eat sooner or later. well, i don't know, barn. see, he keeps talking about the -- the nuclear buildup over in europe. you know, he's saying that one of the nato generals could fire off a missile in the field, start world war iii. what do you suggest, wojo? and make sure they get the salt talks started again? it would take your mind off things. oh, no. please, not over here. mnogo upav den? oh, yes. well...
tea... some valium? svet? a svet? why, thank you. oh. good idea. oh, a spare svet. no, no. they'll think you're playing favorites. [ laughs ] excuse me. excuse me. i have ms. smith's bail ticket. oh, do you? yes, i'd like to get her into a more therapeutic environment as soon as possible. well, i'm afraid sergeant dietrich is out. well, can't you help me? well, uh, sergeant dietrich and i sort of have an agreement.
and he hasn't let my people go. uh, captain miller, i have arranged for ms. smith's bail. fine. set her loose, harris. why thank you, barney. [ speaking native language ] no, no. don't worry about it. captain, this is joseph obrockian, picked him up in a deli on 2nd avenue. what did he do? nothing. played this tape i made of ms. smith for a friend of mine in the linguistics department. yeah? i had a hunch she might be speaking some language. he said it sounded like a bunch of gibberish. that sounds familiar. however, he sent me over to a professor in slavic languages. now, this guy said he wasn't sure, but it sounded like a dialect spoken in greece and yugoslavia. i went over to some greek coffee shops and markets, started playing the tape around.
about you not trying for deputy inspector? he doesn't want to get shot down again. but you got a good chance this time. we've kept our noses clean. you haven't been in jail for almost a year. you can't just give up on yourself. you got to think positive, keep plugging. go for the gusto. wojo already said that. you're kidding. gentlemen, i appreciate your concern, but i have really thought this out, and i have come to the realization maining a captain. well, maybe we're not. sir, i realize you've been somewhat preoccupied wallowing in your own predicament, so i guess it's not surprising that you might overlook the fact that you're screwing it up for us, too. he's right. i mean, you know, as long as you stay stuck in there, we're stuck out here.
it's just not fair, barn. it's been going on like this for eight years. yeah, it's getting boring. all right. i didn't realize you felt this way. well, sure. 'cause you're always sitting in there... on your padded seat. and you forget you're sitting on top of me and harris and dietrich. you can imagine how i feel. well, i'll have to give this some thought. you can use your office. i rather enjoyed that.
g. thank you. i don't need food. i have resolve, an inner strength. a breatharian, huh? what? a breatharian is a person who believes that food is merely an unnecessary addictive substance and that the breathing of air is sufficient in itself to sustain life. really? mm-hmm. [ inhales deeply ] don't stuff yourself. okay, thanks a lot. hey, mr. bishop. yeah? you said that if somebody did something about your demands that you would eat. so?
no, not yet. is sakharov on his way? no, i got your cleaning deposit back. oh. i called them up and explained the whole thing, and they said that, uh, they'd have a check in the mail in the morning. i really would have preferred the missiles out of europe. you got to start somewhere. all right. you know, uh, maybe i'll have one of those doughnuts now. they're all gone. oh? excuse me. do you think that i could possibly have a part of your sandwich?
harris. this is the second-shift manpower request. i'm checking out a little early. heading someplace special, are we? home. oh. but for everyone's information, i'll probably be a little late in the morning. at last, i can start planning. it's just the first step. i mean, i haven't made deputy inspector yet. you haven't even passed the physical yet.