tv North Carolina News at 500PM CBS November 9, 2016 5:00pm-6:00pm EST
come on. i'll buy you an ice cream. captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? come on, now. it's all right to take it out on me
what happened. well, first, all i had was a soggy tuna sandwich for dinner, but could i even enjoy that? no! because there was some 200-pound matron who was deciding whether she wanted a washer-dryer in guava yellow or pistachio green. incidentally, she was one of only five customers that walked into the store all day today. the fifth was a wino who stumbled in to use my facilities... and wound up using the pistachio green washer-dryer. tell me, walter, was the wino a short man? yes. well, you see, if you'd taken my advice and ordered the model that loads from the top, that wouldn't have happened. anyway, sweetheart, i know you're in a rotten mood-- you're in a rotten mood, but i'm not gonna let it upset me, because once i tell you this bit of news, you are going to be in the best mood ever. guess what doctor who's your best friend and his wife are just back from their honeymoon and are coming over to play bridge tonight?
honey, arthur doesn't know a thing about the 200-pound matron and the pistachio green wino. if arthur steps one foot into this house after what he did to me, i'll kill him! oh, c'mon, walter. i'll kill him! walter! now, what is going on with you and arthur? carol: for the last time, phillip, no. but i wanna see it! that's too bad. you can't. why not? oh, come on, now, will you two stop? what's the matter now? nothing. i told phillip i'd take him to the movies tonight to see bear country. he insists on seeing the exorcist. yeah! bobby cappelletti saw it. he said it was great. he threw up twice. bobby cappelletti is only 12! yeah, well, bobby cappelletti is big for his age. besides, if he was 12 when he got in line, by the time he got in the theater, he was probably 17. now, let's see. honey, you know you can't see the exorcist.
back! i can't tell you how good it is to be back! hey, maudie, take a look. take a look now. i'll bet you can't tell what we've been doing on our honeymoon. look at our faces! we've been sitting under sun lamps for two weeks. in our bathroom in t hot. when you shut the door it turned on a sun lamp in the ceiling! you mean that you've been stuck in the bathroom for two weeks? maude, don't be silly. two weeks in a bathroom. we could've, vivian. there was a telephone in there. trouble is i never got the urge to call. arthur, why don't you get out the bridge table and set it up? viv and i have a lot of catching up to do. walter, we're waiting for you! c'mon, viv, tell me all about it. oh, maude, it was just wonderful. it was very romantic, extremely tender. and tax-deductible.
akron, ohio? at the surgical supplies convention. honeymoon in akron. arthur, i think that was a mistake. what do you mean mistake? well, i mean, once you've honeymooned in akron, what, what do you have left to look forward to? oh, yeah. yeah, i know what you mean. oh, there's so much to do in akron! there must be a million bowling alleys! fascinating! through a tire factory. oh. ( laughing ) but, oh, the best part of all, we stayed in the presidential suite at howard johnson's. of course, the president's never actually used it, but if he's ever in akron, it's there for him. well, he'll be delighted to know that with a gas shortage there's a winter white house in akron. arthur: hey, walter! hi, vivian. hi, walter. hey, i missed you, old buddy.
you do and i'll break both your arms. same old walter-- a laugh a minute. i'll get the chairs. hey, you should've been with me in akron, walter. remember the last time we were there? ( laughs ) 1944. we were in the service. walter and i both picked up a couple of carhops outside of wimpy's. walter was lucky. he got the cute one. i got one that looked like telly savalas. arthur, you actually went out with a girl who looked like telly savalas? only twice. for cryin' out loud! now, let's sit down and play cards, arthur. as long as we have to play, let's do it. uh, look, walter, honeybunch, would you come into the kitchen and help me carry out the potato chips? potato chips? you know how heavy they are. don't mind walter. he's upset. he had to spin dry a wino today.
arthur gave me a stock tip before he left on his honeymoon. hmm. from the look on your face, the stock went down. so sell it! to who? the company went bankrupt! walter, how much did you lose? a few dollars. walter... a few dollars. maude, it's the principle of the thing! arthur insisted that i invest. he promised me i wou-- i would double my money in a month. but you lost a few dollars! it's not the end of the world! maude... now, how about arthur? he obviously lost money, too. ining. he's a doctor. he's loaded. he could drop a million dollars and get it right back. two hernias and a house call. now, look. walter, when arthur gave you that tip, you knew it was a gamble. i mean, that's what the market is. look at my father. fifty years ago, he bought ten shares of at&t at a dollar a share, held it for two years, and then sold it for a dollar and a quarter.
hur guaranteed me we would both make a bundle. come on, now, honey. arthur and vivian are honeymooners. they're deliriously happy. now, please, don't burst their bubble. let them do that themselves. okay, okay, i won't spoil vivian's happiness. i won't say a thing. look, maude, i'm gonna play one game of bridge, excuse myself, go upstairs, and cry myself to sleep. look, walter, honey, if it'll make you feel better, l arthur that you're not happy about losing the money, but be nice about it, walter. honey, remember he's your friend, and a friend isn't something you can just pick up at the cheese counter at safeway. although with arthur-- no, maude. i'm not gonna mention that stock, not one word, otherwise, i know i'll have to kill him. all right. do it your way.
there they are! well, let's play a little bridge. maudie, you deal. walter, pass the potato chips. don't give me advice, you fink! the stock went right down the drain! walter, go upstairs and cry yourself to sleep. what are you talking about? you know what i'm talking about. that stock you talked me into. the company went bankrupt! oh. arthur, you gave walter a stock tip? that's right, love dove. so walter lost a few dollars and who cares, right, arthur? right! who cares? ( hisses ) you're not helping, arthur. and arthur, you told me yourself, "walter, we can't lose. it's a gold mine. we'll make a fortune off it." listen, pal, i feel bad about this, too, you know, but i got the tip from an impeccable source, the president of the company. he was laying right under my own knife. it was an emergency appendectomy, and just as he took his last breath before he went under the anesthetic,
he gave me that tip right from his guts. now, come on, walter. the subject is closed. yes, come on, let's play cards! i really feel guilty about this, old friend, but that's the stock market, you know. c'est la vie! i'm married to a man who's bilingual. don't forget do-jnt, vivian. walter, you see arthur's attitude? casual. it's just one of those things. ( mimics maude ) just one of those things. just one of those things. walter, will you stop whimpering? it's unbecoming. so it's unbecoming. i lose $3,700 and he thinks i'm worried about-- one club. walter, i'm supposed to bid first. one diamond. two clubs. three hearts. uh, may we review the bidding?
if it was such a good investment, arthur, how come you didn't get in on it? i have my reasons. you'll just have to accept that on face value. besides, i'm a doctor. i don't know anything about business. you knew enough not to invest. and don't tell me you didn't have the money, doc-tor! what is that supposed to mean? oh, come on, arthur. everybody knows that doctors have loose cash lying around in shoe boxes. just what are you implying, fella? i am not implying anything! if the shoe box fits, wear it!
ors thieves, you...appliance dealer! phony money-back guarantees, advertising bargains he hasn't got to lure poor, innocent victims into the store! arthur, how dare you talk that way to walter? anybody who's stupid enough to lose 3,700 is not smart enough to lure innocent victims! thanks, maude! i never cheated anyone in my life, and that includes you! then give me the money back on the defective waffle iron! you've had the thing for 13 years! see, he's already got a cop-out. harmon, you're a chiseler and a crook! and you're a whimpering s.o.g.! just a minute, arthur! who do you think you're calling... s.o.g.? yeah! son of a gun! now, wait a minute! now, wait a minute! okay! put up your dukes, arthur.
watch where you're going, you flea merchant! who are you calling a flea merchant, you quack? watch it, walter! you're just lucky i'm a surgeon, and a surgeon's hands belong to mankind! now, what about the hands of a butcher? hands or no hands, nobody calls dr. arthur harmon a butcher! down! ( vivian yells ) oh! oh! did you see that, maude? did you see that? he tried to hit me. he actually tried to hit me! stay, walter! but--but he tried to hit me! i've been known to kill, walter! come here. oh, you really-- you're saving his life, vivian! walter: oh, yeah? arthur: yeah! well, you're lucky i'm a lover and not a fighter! that's right. and you're out of shape for both. ( panting ) honey, i don't blame walter for being angry with you! vivian! not only did you not invest,
at is not true! i gave him a very good reason. what? it's none of his business. oh. well, look, arthur, i'm your bride. you can tell me. all right. it's none of your business. arthur! i wasn't hiding anything, maude. i mean, i was gonna tell you about the investment. i was gonna surprise you when i doubled the money! c'mon, walter, you're lying! i can tell by the expression on your face. what expression? you only have one expression, walter. heartburn. e years we have been married, never once have you kept anything from me... successfully. will you stop exaggerating, maude? how about the time i sent that extra $900 to my first wife and i didn't tell you for six months? you never told me that. it'll be six months friday. ( crying ) vivian! we've only been married for six weeks,
lollipop-- you said you wanted to share every part of your life, but now look at me! what am i? just a bedtime toy? vivian! that is no way to talk in the kitchen! arthur, listen. a happy marriage is based on mutual trust. just--just look at walter and maude. they've had five trusting, marvelous years together. i am tired of being a second-class citizen! i am your equal, walter! have i ever said you were silent? god'll get you for that one. but sugar-poo... problems of finance are not for your cute, teeny brain to worry about. i mean, all that my late wife agnes
arthur harmon, i am not agnes. i am a woman whose honeymoon is over! oh, nonsense! we left the convention early. tax-wise, it carries us through monday. ( screams ) that's enough! ( china breaks ) vivian! that is a side of you i have never seen before! oh? how about this side? ( china breaks ) vivian! oh? two can play at that game! ( china breaks ) i can't believe this is you, walter! ( china breaking ) you live with a man for five years-- one day you wake up with a total stranger! and dishes breaking all around you! ( china breaking ) what the hell is going on in there? ( china breaking ) and another thing, vivian! arthur! what?! would you believe it? vivian is jealous of agnes's funeral. oh, i am not! vivian, if you can't stand the heat, maybe you-- oh, shut up! well, i can see the honeymoon is over. no, not quite, maudie. tax-wise--
sten! just because you had four honeymoons-- now, just a minute, vivian! don't you scream at me because that nitwit husband of yours-- hold it! pay no attention, vivian! just because maudie marries for quantity instead of quality-- hold it! arthur, just because your marriage is breaking up, don't try to break up mine! and to think i once considered you my best friend! i am your best friend, vivian, but that's just because i am your only friend! that's telling her, maude! listen to me! my husband is no nitwit! oh? and what would you call a man who constantly goes out with girls who look like telly savalas? no! take that back, you fire hydrant! what? you heard me!
oh. good lord. what are we trying to do to each other? ( vivian laughs ) old buddy, i didn't mean to bust up our friendship. i'm sorry about the dishes. oh, forget it. we can always get new dishes. arthur, i think you better tell us why you didn't invest. oh, well, at least, tell maude and walter. i'll just go outside or somewhere, if you want. hang it up, vivian. arthur, what could it be that you can't tell me? well, i could tell you, walter, but it's vivian. me. no, no, no, no, vivian. cutlet... you don't understand. i know. i know. i know you think i'm that... that... super successful, highly intelligent, superior, debonair,
but the truth is i'm not. the simple truth is i didn't have the money to invest. arthur, you didn't have the money? i lost it all. i don't understand. i lost it-- all the cash i had. i invested very heavily in a real estate deal down in costa rica. i thought i was gonna be a banana king. i own 1000 acres of swamp. i'm a mosquito king. oh, arthur. uld've taken you on a tax-deductible honeymoon to akron, ohio? but, arthur, that doesn't matter. i love you! ( vivian crying ) c'mon, you two, before my mascara starts running. come on. let's play cards. okay, come on! let's all play cards. you know, i really did think you were gonna make a killing on that stock. you gotta believe that. well, i believe that, old buddy. as a matter of fact, i have been so strapped for cash, that i was gonna ask you if you could loan me a couple of thousand for a month or two.
arthur, in the interest of our friendship, walter and i would be delighted to lend you the money. oh, that's very nice of you, maude and walter, but i-i'll get on my feet. couple of house calls here, couple of hernias there. no, arthur. by scrimping and saving, walter and i have managed to put away about 4,000 in our vacation fund. we'd love you to have it. i mean, what the heck? it's only money. right, walter? two clubs. oh. would you excuse me? ( yelling ) my vacation fund!
donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ?
oh, come on, now, honey, you and chris have been planning this trip for weeks. besides, phillip won't be alone. we'll be with him. and is that any way to pack a suitcase? mother, i am perfectly capable come on, now. of packing my own suitcase-- don't be upset. that's what mothers are for. i'm sure henry kissinger's mother does his packing. no wonder he looks so frumpy. ( banging ) now what? phillip, i told you to clean the room, not wreck it! if you'd gotten an exorcist like he asked, this wouldn't be happening. mother, for the last week phillip has been acting like a holy terror. stop apologizing for him. i'm not apo-- carol, a deck of cards and a see-through nightie? when i was your age i would have taken one or the other. as a matter of fact, if i had taken the cards,
well, he can't go around swearing at his grandmother. you want me to handle this, carol? well, maybe you should. it's obvious i can't. hold it, king kong! you touch that child, and so help me, all your friends will be dressed in black and driving with their lights on. i'm not gonna let you go in there and apologize to him for what he said to you. mother, the boy has to be punished. we can't let him go around swearing at people-- all right, all right! i'll do it walter's way. since you both insist on corporal punishment i'll--i'll beat the child! i'll beat him till he's black and blue. phillip...honey... sweetheart, much as i hate to say this... ( sighs ) because of your behavior your grandmother's gonna have to punish you. ( sighs )
wait a minute, phillip. can we talk this out? will you go ahead and spank me so i can make my sandwich? honey, you're really angry, aren't you? yes. yeah. are you angry enough to scream? yes! yes? would you like to scream and scream and scream? oh, boy, would i. okay, okay, come on! ( screams ) ( continues screaming ) go ahead, spank me some more, grandma. well, i beat the child. i hope you're satisfied. it's breaking my heart. ( continues screaming )
thanks a lot. all right... now, phillip, just drink your milk. you'll grow up to be big and strong like mark spitz. and make a lot of money on television for saying you drink milk. mother-- maude-- all right, all right, i didn't hit him. i used psychology, good old-fashioned psychology, and it worked. i mean, he got rid of all his hostility, and he's in there now drinking his milk like a kitten. phillip: i hate milk! ( glass crashing ) there goes all his commercial money. i'll handle it. phillip! honey, clean it up like a good little boy, okay? it was just a little accident. the glass slipped out of his hand and then hit the wall. ( doorbell rings) hi, people. all: hi, chris. hey, i'm sorry. i need a shave. have you ever tried to drive down here
am i glad to see you! ( disposal whirring, glass grinding ) what's that? you wanna know what that is? i'll tell you what it is. it's the last straw! no... walter! you lay a hand on that grandson of mine and so help me, it's the last thing of mine you'll ever lay a hand on. chris, he is impossible. he is absolutely impossible. really? what you've been doing, walter? some broken glass got into the disposal. well, that does it-- mother, that is not an accident-- that does it-- you're not gonna hit that child ( all shouting ) walter: i'm not gonna hit him with the belt but i'm gonna-- you'll scare the hell out of him okay, hold it! look, i mean, it's obvious from what carol has been telling me over the phone that phillip has some little emotional problem. so why don't you let me go in and talk to the boy. after all, i'm a pediatrician. i'm involved with children all the time. i understand them.
oh, go. okay. you see, walter? love and understanding. now please, put your belt on before your pants fall down. i'm in no mood to be reminded i'm married to a man who doesn't have matching knees. oh... eating a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, huh? well, i used to love cream cheese and jelly sandwiches when i was a kid. i used to eat them four times a day, nothing better than cream cheese and jelly. they used to call me the cream cheese and jelly kid. this is peanut butter and jelly. i like that more. look, um... phillip... i understand you've been a little unhappy lately. care to talk about it?
'cause i'm your buddy, right? right. hey, hey... we both have a lot in common. carol...i mean, your mother. well, what i mean is... we both got the same girl! she's your girl! hey, phillip... hey, pal, buddy! wait! you're a jerk! well... at least we found out what's bothering the boy. ( laughs ) he hates me.
is jealous of chris. chris is a pediatrician. that's right. he's a professional, an authority on children. he'll know what to do. that's right. honey, in a case like this, chris, what is the best thing to do? darned if i know. hello, folks. all: hi. i just came over to borrow your flashlight. vivian and i decided that during the energy crisis, we're gonna turn off all the lights in the house for one hour every night. oh, it's in there. and you don't have a flashlight? of course i have a flashlight! but i can't find it. it's dar well, can't vivian? i can't find her, either. she's lost. arthur, has it ever occurred to you that vivian is not lost, she's just hiding? arthur, forget the flashlight. we've got a problem. yeah, i think that chris could use a second opinion. arthur, you've been a doctor a long time. i need your professional advice. to put it succinctly, phillip just called me a jerk.
and now he obviously feels he's loosing his best girl. mm-hmm... you don't say. you know, carol, i think chris could use a third opinion. so now the child obviously feels that he has competition and he's rebelling. well, now, to the best of your knowledge, have you ever been overly demonstrative in front of the child? tsk...no. no... or let us say, you're terribly severe with him? no. for his mother's attention? no. no. and yet he called you a jerk. uh-huh. yeah... well, considering all the evidence, has it possibly occurred to you that maybe he has a point? arthur! arthur, are you calling chris a jerk? don't blame me, carol. phillip's the one that brought it up.
ind your brain was radio controlled by a fly. this just some time for you to be kidding about my brain. you really stepped in the old quagmire this time, maudie. it just so happens that a very influential medical journal has asked me to do a paper. "post-nasal drip... nature's safety valve." that sounds wonderful, arthur. next they'll be offering you the medical column in the christian science monitor. oh, yeah? beeswax! ( sighs ) hey, we'd better be running along, too, honey. hey, listen. the perfect solution to our problem-- let's take phillip along with us. tsk...oh, no, honey. your college reunion is no place for a child. look...maybe you better just go along without me. oh, come on, now.
besides, he has to learn to accept these things. it's part of growing up. carlo: but-- honey, i remember you were exactly the same as phillip when you were eight years old and i went away with my fiance, harry. harry? which husband-- walter, walter, please. i was just engaged to harry. he was definitely not the type i ever would have married. one in a million, huh? i think your mother's right, carol. phillip has got to learn to accept our relationship or we'll never be a real family. but, chris, i'd feel so guilty if i left him when he's like this. carol...honey, you can solve the problem when you come back. i promise to keep phillip just as rebellious and hostile and rotten as he is right now... maybe more. now, come on, honey. stop worrying!
honey, how about a nice cheery good-bye for your mom? bye. good-bye, honey. i'll see you in a couple of days, okay? you be a good boy. i love you, phillip. and say you're sorry you called him a name? i'm sorry i called you a name. he's an angel. that's okay, phillip. i've been called much worse. i'll bet. phillip, i'll call you when we get there, honey. good-bye, kids. take care of you, son. drive safe! see you in a few days. see you in a few days, old buddy.
before he starts on me. ahoy, there, matey. do you use an extra hand on the poop deck? no, i can do it myself. oh, come on, now. don't be silly. i'm an expert at this kind of thing, and i love doing it. now, let's see. cement number 83bh, the right aft bumpkin, and number 216, the right mizzen chain plate, to the hull, first making sure double fore stays numbers 224rn and 225sm are in position on fore castle deck. you do that and i'll glue the anchor to the chain. you know, phillip...
her? 'cause she also loves chris. not the same way she loves you. now, this really is glue, isn't it? you see, honey, there's a different kind of love between a man and a woman. it's a...kind of love that makes them wanna get married and spend the rest of their lives together. if married people are supposed to spend the rest of their lives together, how come you've been married four times? you know, i thought you'd never ask. well, you see, honey, in your grandma's case it's really very simple. all your grandmother wants to do is make someone happy. so first, she married a man named barney and made him happy. and then she married chester, and made him happy.
in just seven months. what's gonna happen to grandpa, after you make him happy? well, honey, your grandma really loves grandpa, so he'll never be that happy. i'm not worried. you're the one who keeps talking about phillip, not me. oh, come on, carol. all i've heard is phillip since we got in the car. that's not true. come on, carol. did you come in here to eat or to argue? argue! oh, then you've eaten here before. two coffees. a wise choice. honey, if you're this unhappy, why don't we just go back and get the kid? i am not unhappy! i'm happy! i'm the happiest woman in the world. i'd be happier if you stopped talking about it. yeah, that'd make us both happier. ( laughs )
eh...how many kids do you unhappy people have? one. chris-- aah, some expert. you may be-- i got 11. eleven children? and one in the oven. ( laughs ) pass the salt, please. for coffee? heh, heh, heh, wait till you taste it. look, honey, i'll give you one more chance. no, chris. phillip's place is at home. besides, why would i wanna take him on a lousy trip like this? you know something, mac? your wife is right. she is not my wife. ohh, well, there's your problem right there. i mean, you gotta get married first. no wonder your kid is ticked off. you're not much of an expert. look, mac...
of an expert on, either. yeah, i know, i know. i've been meaning to get one of them, um...vasectomies, but every time i saved up enough money, we have another kid. ( laughs ) ( laughs ) oh, chris, just think what we'd sound like if we had 11 children! hey, come on... let's turn back and get phillip, make him know that he's part of our new family. in new hampshire i told you about. what about your reunion? oh, honey, you and phillip mean more to me than any old reunion. the three of us can have a wonderful time. you're very dear... ( sighs ) listen, i know phillip. he's stubborn. he won't wanna come with us. i know, i'm positive. i insist. you're stubborn, too.
and tell her we're coming back. okay, phillip, all i have to do now is get your red jacket and your galoshes for playing in the snow. oh, come on, honey, they're gonna be here any minute! i'm not going. what do you mean you're not going? they don't want me. if they wanted me along, they would've tooken me in the first place. look, you start that again, phillip, and i'll "tooken" you upstairs and glue you to your dirty socks. honey, come on, now, a marvelous time! phillip, you're going to laconia, new hampshire. you'll be able to go skiing-- i hate skiing. and tobogganing-- i hate tobogganing. but honey, you've always loved skiing and tobogganing. that's how you break arms and legs. you want me to break my arms and legs? well... of course not! i'm not going. i wanna stay here and finish my boat. oh, come on, honey, you can finish your boat when you come back.
see my boat again! all right, captain bligh, over my knee! no! no? in the kitchen you bent right over my lap. i know, but you really mean it this time. you bet your baby bottom i mean it this time. see? nobody loves me. oh, so, that's your trouble, nobody loves you? let me tell you something, young man. your happiness depends on only one person, you. if phillip is unhappy is because phillip has made phillip unhappy. but if phillip wants to be happy, hillip happy and nobody else. now, what do you think about that? big deal! you think that's a big deal-- wait, i'll show you the whole deck. ow, ow, ow! now, look what you make me do? i've never hit you before. grandma, you're crying. no, i'm not. yes, you are. and it's all my f--
it's okay, grandma. it hurt me more than it hurt you. ( sighs ) you're just saying that to make me feel better. hi. hey. hi, mom. hi, chris. i'll be ready in a minute. you're kidding, are you coming with us? sure! of course! i told you, with a little love and understanding, you can work miracles. guess what, mom? grandma just beat the hell out of me! well...sometimes... in order to make a child act like an angel on one end, you have to beat the devil out of him on the other one.