tv CBS Overnight News CBS November 15, 2016 2:07am-4:00am EST
can you say tax write-off? anyway. [ laughter ] orson welles' pants also went to the smithsonian. [ some laughter ] th-they're the dustcover for the rotunda. did you know that-- [ laughter ] [ chuckling ] i'm working like a lounge comic tonight. [ laughter ] some sad show business news. uh-- yes. >> what? >> marie osmond is having a-a trial separation, uh, from her husband. [ collective "aww" ] case you folks don't know what a trial separation is, first you separate, then you go to trial. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] [ chuckling ] boom! >> i like that. you really need a rimshot. >> we don't fool around. here's a joke. bing! [ some laughter ] no, i like that marie. she's, uh, very conservative, though. you know, on her wedding night, she made her husband wear oven mitts? [ laughter ] that's--
[ chuckling ] anyway, i certainly enjoyed this little get-together. we have a-- we have a good show tonight. robert blake is here. [ cheering and applause ] we have-- we have a new, young comedian on the show. first time. louie anderson is with us. [ applause ] and... and i haven't seen this gal for a long time. i-- but i know her, quite well. a writer and an actress. miss selma diamond is with us, tonight. [ applause ] so, stay where ya are, [ "tonight show" theme ] [ cheering ]
did you know, earlier today, mcdonald's, uh, sold their 50 billionth-- >> yeah. >> hamburger? now, a lotta their competition-- wonder how they exactly knew, but i suppose they figure they've been in business so many years, so so many bur-- and they-- this-- 50 billion hamburgers. >> mmm. >> do you know how many million that is? that's 50,000 million hamburgers. anyway, the mcdonald's chain-- the mcdonald's chain has released some interesting facts. i know you are waiting to hear these facts. [ laughter ] >> oh, boy! >> annually, they sell 435 million pounds of ground beef. they say equal to a herd, each year, now. to a herd of 435,000 cows. >> mmm. >> each year! uh, mcdonald's, annually, sells 32,000 pounds of pickles, equal to the weight of five saturn v rockets. [ laughter ] reagan likes those things.
a saturn rocket. [ laughter ] [ applause ] all right. they sell three point four billion buns, enough to circle the globe [ imitating reagan ] eight point seven times. [ laughter ] now, here's a-- here's a strange statistic. a new mcdonald's opens every 18 hours, somewhere in the world. >> wow. >> in the time it takes to say this sentence that i'm reading, right now, mcdonald's has sold about 2000 hamburgers. just in that period of 10 seco the original ronald mcdonald-- do you know who that was? >> no. >> i did not know. >> it's on a trivia game. >> nbc "today show" weather man willard scott. [ some laughter ] was the first-- >> yeah. >> wouldn't willard be a little large to be ronald? >> yes. >> now, if you invested in mcdonald's, some years ago, you are a very bright person. in 1965, 100 shares of mcdonald's stock were worth $2250.
$190,000. >> mmm. >> now, we found some interesting facts, relating to mcdonald's-- and to the fast-food industry, in general. >> yes! [ chuckling ] [ some laughter ] >> if you piled up one million mcdonald's hamburgers, you would have a stack over one foot tall. [ laughter ] [ applause ] oh! [ laughing ] >> you're gonna get a call about that, fred? [ laughter ] mr. de cordova-- "i told him not to do that! [ laughter ] they're gonna call!" >> all in jest. >> it's all in jest. this is a jest, mcdonald's. [ some laughter ] tell the lawyer that, when he shows up. "this is a jest, too!" [ laughter ] the 40 billionth burger was served to tip o'neill. tip was also served
and every one in between. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] the idea for mcdonald's popular new chicken item came from pete rose-- not generally known. one day, as he was playing first base, ball took a bad hop and hit him. as he fell, he screamed, "oh, my mcnuggets!" [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter continues ] recently, los angeles passed a clean-air ordinance for fast food restaurants. on hot days, bob's big boy is required to put his arm down. [ laughter ] >> speaking of that, the original bob's big boy statue was not a success. it had bob holding a tray of sheep-neutering tools.
they said, "get that down!" [ laughter ] the biggest big mac of all time was 20 feet in diameter. the biggest whopper was when reagan said he wouldn't raise taxes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, i dunno how many mcdonald's franchises there are, around the world, but the toughest-- the toughest mcdonald's franchise, in the world, is on the waterfront, a cow and a chicken are each given a switchblade, and the loser is served out through the drive-thru window. [ laughter ] more interesting facts. wendy's spokeswoman, clara peller... was once arrested, for hiding inside baseball pitcher jim palmer's underwear drawer and screaming, "where's the briefs?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] interesting fact. more wom-- more men-- more men than women order
and, if you wait in a grocery line long enough, every one of those guys will stand an inch from your face and bitch about the rams. [ laughter ] over seven million tons of brylcreem... stain the little paper hats worn by fast food clerks. [ laughter ] the original speaker, at jack in the box, was shortened several feet, when a carload of librarians complained about talking into a clown's groin. [ laughter ] the-- [ applause ] the international house of pancakes lives up to its name-- the managers are american, the kitchen help is mexican, and the owners are japanese. [ laughter ] the famous bell ringer, quasimodo... opened a kentucky fried chicken outlet, in france,
because of its slogan, "hump-lickin' good." [ laughter ] >> whoo! >> a person could easily survive on a diet of nothing but fast food, and any guy who is married to a jewish princess does. [ laughter ] [ applause ] in 1949, a female clert-- clerk let ronald mcdonald have it his way, resulting in the first mcperni-- paternity suit. [ laughter ] >> and those are a few facts-- p-paternity. [ cheering ] >> all in jest. >> all in jest. >> all in jest. >> now. look. lemme do-- ya hate-- ya hate to have to do a disclaimer about something that people, i think-- an intelligent person would realize, is in jest. >> yes. >> but, sometimes, when you're talkin' about companies, their sense of humor evaporates-- >> yes. >> right? [ chuckling ]
[ music ] [ applause ] you're on the phone. [ chuckling ] what... [ applause continues ] what were you on the phone about, fred? >> well, we were moving a commercial-- >> oh-- >> which has to do with fast food. >> there was a commercial, directly adjacent to this piece of material we just did. we-we moved, just to-- [ laughter ] >> it was for burger king. [ laughing ] >> which is good-- a good place, also. they're both fine. >> yes. >> they're both swell people. >> yeah. >> and both have fine
>> whom have great senses of humor-- >> yes. >> so i'm sure we won't hear from them. actually, go out and start my car, will ya? i'm coming-- [ laughter ] my first guest is a good friend. i like, uh, uh, robert blake. he's a-- he's a wonderful actor. he won an emmy, for "baretta." he is currently working in a two-hour tv pilot called "hell town," which will air, right here on nbc-- >> yeah. >> sometime, as they say-- they never say when. networks do not like to commit themselves, too far in advance-- is in january. >> right. >> would you welcome robert blake? [ music ] [ cheering ] well. tell ya. i'm kind of honored. the black suit, tonight, huh? >> ah, as to whether or not it airs-- >> what's that? the-- >> we leave that open to question. >> well, it'll air. >> may be sold to hbo.
for mandolin picks. we don't know what they're gonna do. [ laughter ] >> i see you have that wonderful, positive attitude, as you usually do, about your work. anyway, what, uh-- what's the occasion? >> this is, uh-- well, i've just rushed over from the set! [ laughing ] >> how many times have you heard people say that, when they come on the show? >> "just didn't have time to change." >> "i just have a minute. i'm sorry i can't stay on the couch. i've gotta get back to the set." [ laughing ] >> you don't have to get back to the set, huh? >> no, i've got, uh-- i've got, uh-- as a matter of fact, there's a guy, downtown, with a black suit, [ both chuckling ] >> okay, now-- >> i'm doing this project called "hell town." [ laughing ] you see. and i'm playing a priest-- >> now-- >> you see. >> before you go any further-- >> before i go any further-- >> i-- >> get the lawyers. >> i know-- i know, i think, what goes on your-- in your head, at times. >> you do? >> even though you don't. even though you don't. >> i want you to talk to my head, man. [ chuckling ] >> i know. even though you don't, i think-- >> oh. >> we're sympatico. [ chuckling ] that's true. >> you told me, here, two or three years ago-- after you finished "baretta," you said, "i will never,
series, for those guys in the suits." >> yes. >> right. now, you're doin' a series. >> well, you see, what happened was... i went off, to be a movie star-- >> right. >> and i blew that. [ laughter ] then, i decided to become a gentlemen of leisure and enjoy my millions, and i got divorced, which blew that. [ laughter ] uh, probably, you have some-- >> empathy? ym some empathy. [ laughter ] >> so, when the bread went-- [ laughing ] i found myself back down at 5th and los angeles, leaping from building to building in a single bound! >> of course! you go where the work is, right? >> that's right. >> right. >> well, you know, i'm gonna have, uh-- >> but that's not-- >> hollywood stars? >> yeah. >> only, i'm gonna have mine down at 5th and los angeles. >> that would be nice! >> with a little wino barf on it. [ laughter ] >> that'd be nice. you could start a whole new thing, for real mavericks in the business. you put your star down,
>> something like that? >> mayor ugatz, i want a star at 5th and los angeles. [ chuckling ] so, your leading-- >> that's-- he's the mayor of 5th and los angeles. >> now-- >> that ain't the mayor of los angeles. > >now, you've, uh, pl-- you've, uh, played a, uh-- an undercover agent. you played a detective-- joe dancer. >> yes. >> right? and, now, you're playing a priest. >> a priest. yes. >> is that, uh-- >> i'm playing a priest. >> a great departure, from you? >> well-- >> i will-- i will venture you played a priest, undercover, on "baretta," once. or a clergyman. >> yes. i-i probably have been a priest, undercover, off the camera, to i-- see, i was-- i was-- i'm very familiar with, uh-- one o' my first failures, in show business, was as an altar boy, you see. i never made it. >> were you-- that's right, you are catholic. >> i tried. but, uh-- >> aw. >> i couldn't remember the latin, and, uh, i dunno. i ate all the wafers, or somethin'. i did somethin' wrong. [ laughter ] anyway, i didn't make it. i didn't make it. i just-- it was time-- >> you ever been to the beverly hills catholic church? >> uh-- >> they have a wine list, at communion. [ laughter ] >> i just wanted to sneak that in. anyway. >> "may i see your wine list?"
>> all in jest. >> that's all in-- now, wait, a minute. >> all in jest. >> wait, a minute. while i'm doing copouts, that's also in jest. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> the catholic churches also has very big lawyers. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> also has a great sense of humor. [ chuckling ] >> this may happen, all during the show, tonight. just-- [ some laughter ] so, did you like being an altar boy? >> uh, no. i mean, i failed at it. >> aw. >> i never got to--- > aw. >> to sunday. i failed, somewhere on friday rehearsal. >> aw. >> but, uh, i'm playin' a priest named... noah "hardstepve and it's a show called "hell town." and, uh, there's no point in pluggin' it, 'cause it may never get on the air, you see. >> don't say that. no, no, you must think positive >> well, i must also tell the truth, or, uh-- >> well, why do you say it might not get on the air? >> well, because, you see, we have several problems. >> i sound like merv griffin. [ imitating merv griffin ] "why do you think it won't get on the air?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] "hmm, hmm, what?" griffin does that, all-- "why doesn't it get on the air? >> the network is yelling.
[ music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> thank you, we are back. talking with robert blake. selma diamond will be here. louie anderson. now, your new show, the fact that you, uh, messed it up, as altar boy. >> well, uh-- >> yeah. >> just-- lemme explain why it may not go on the air, you see. >> all right. >> just briefly. uh-- and i'm not pluggin' the show, like i say, 'cause it ain't gonna be on, till 1999, and maybe not at all. but, somehow or other-- >> this must make the people who're putting the money up, on this project, rather-- >> yes. that's my friend brandon. >> oh, bran-- mr. tartikoff. >> you know my old friend brandon. >> oh, sure. >> hi, brandon. [ laughing ] anyway. [ some laughter ] brandon decided to unleash
on, uh, television. and, somehow or other, some member of my company-- my entire staff who works for me-- neglected to send a script to standards and practices. >> i see. >> now, you know what they are. >> yes. it's like a-- >> they count bullets and do all those things-- tell you what you can't see, because you're invalids, and you have to be watched. anyway. [ some laughter ] >> somehow or other-- >> i think it actually says that, in the-- in the contract. [ laughter ] >> they didn't get a script. so-- >> youyo go get 'em, huh? [ laughing ] >> we wound up shooting, and, all of sudden, standards and practices-- after i been shooting for a week or so-- they got the script. and they said, "well, this priest can't punch people in the face. he can't drink beer. he can't kiss the girl." >> priests do drink beer, right? father jack? >> oh, yeah. yeah, they-- [ laughing ] >> who're you talking to? >> father jack is up, watching. "are they on?" [ laughter ] >> so, that's why. i mean, they don't know
>> right. >> and, when they get it, they'll look at it. >> right. >> and they'll say, "now, what is he doing? is he just kissing her, or is he literally swapping spit with her, or something like that? [ laughter ] we gotta check these things out, care--" not li-- not figuratively, but, i mean-- >> yeah, i understand. >> so, that's why no one will know, until it comes out. >> well, why would-- why would this priest punch somebody out? isn't that a little, uh-- >> well, the truth o' the matter is, this is based on a lot of reality that goes on, downtown east l.a., and in new york. i know a priest, down there, that the cops call, when there's gonna be a gang war. i mean-- just serious, for one second, because there are kids, out there, shootin' each other, and stuff like that. >> right. >> they call this priest. say, "father--" >> to intervene. >> "will you go down there?" and he goes down and gets in the middle of 'em, and he does what has to be done, to keep people from dying. and that's his commitment-- >> right. >> to his parish. and, if he grabs a guy by the collar, or steps 'em back, that's what he does. >> all right. >> uh, in-- you know, religion,
place, because the world's very busy. so, father hardstep is that kinda guy. i like what i'm doin'. >> right. >> you know i wouldn't put a year and a half in, on a project-- >> i know that. >> and say, "well, this is a joke." it ain't a joke. you know? >> i know that. >> i mean, i've lived a long life, down there, in those streets, and i grew up in those streets. and, uh, that's all. but, i mean, standards and practices-- they'll survive, some way. they don't have any bullets to count, on the show. you know, i mean-- >> yeah. >> "a-team" must keep 'em busy, day and night, just countin' bullets. [ laughter ] i don't have any o' those. [ applause ] no offense! [ laughter ] >> all-all in jest. that can make a new series-- "a bullet for brandon." >> "a bullet--" [ laughing ] >> now, lemme explain. now, lemme explain. >> all in jest! >> let-- all in jest. >> all in jest. >> brandon tartikoff is the president of nbc entertainment-- >> was, yes. >> also has a great sense of humor-- >> was president at the beginning of this show. >> and knows every lawyer in town. [ laughter ] >> and probably has another job, waiting, so we won't worry about him. [ laughing ] >> okay, when you... when you--
>> what can he do? >> between mcdonald's, the catholic church, and brandon, i may not be back tomorrow night, either. [ laughter ] so. anyway, uh-- what was i gonna say? i know i had something. >> what were you gonna say? >> uh, have you f-- you finished this pilot, now. >> no, no, we are-- >> oh, no, no-- >> in the middle of shooting it. >> in the middle. >> they may cut the money off tomorrow, and it'll be a very short pilot! [ laughter ] >> well, i think it's gonna be a winner. >> i hope so. >> yes. >> i hope so, 'cause i need a job, and i need the money, and i need all the love i can get. [ laughing ] well, we all do. >> yes. >> yeah. >> amen. that's why we're in front o' the box. the love you-you need? >> uh, no. i'm still on the retention program. i'm not gettin' any love. [ some laughter ] >> are you out, com-- out, comparison shopping, or what? [ laughter ] >> i don't know. i just-- >> well, you know, you meeting ladies, now? you're single. >> i just don't know how to do it, john. i mean, i-- you can't-- >> how 'bout, "hello. how are you?" [ some laughter ] >> well-- but, i mean, that's all right, that works. and then, you wind up in bed, and you say hello, goodbye, and whatever. but, i mean, i just-- to go off, in the sunset, with the candles and that old-fashioned, square stuff. i mean, you know, i just-- i'm still lookin' for
you don't know what that is, but that's from the old-- and i can't-- >> you're a romantic, at heart. >> yeah, i really am! >> yeah. >> i really am. >> once you find a girl that just like to s-- go to a candlelight dinner-- a candlelit dinner-- or l-- candleloot dinner, or-- [ laughter ] >> candlelight-- a candlelit dinner. uh. candleloot dinner? what am i talking about? and just talk about, uh-- whaddya talk about, when-- >> maybe i was just born to play this priest. i dunno. i think-- sometimes, i think-- [ laughter ] >> have you thought of becoming a priest? >> i need to go out with a woman about 80 or 90 years old. and then, go to bed with her granddaughter. [ laughter ] work out just right. >> good-- that's-that's good-- that's good thinking. [ some applause ] that's good-- [ chuckling ] >> no, i mean, i-i-- just very quickly-- i got so many miles on me, from startin' when i'm two years old, that, literally-- i mean, i need old people to be with, to talk about the things that i'm talkin' about. >> yeah. >> and-and, when you get somebody my age or younger, they ain't really been where i been and done what i done. >> why don't ya, on a weekend,
[ laughter ] >> and wait for her granddaughter to come and visit. >> "hey, granny! hey! look at the car!" [ laughter ] i'm just tryna make suggestions. you know that. >> it's-- that's my problem. i find a woman that just really looks beautiful, and i'm attracted, and all, like, that stuff. and i walk up, and, in 10 minutes, we're outta conversation. >> oh. >> whereas, if i could get around, you know, helen hayes, or i dunno how old-- somebody who's been where i been.>> but how many people-- >> yeah. >> were-- i mean, i was working during the depression. i was working, durin' the depression. >> winnie ruth judd woulda been good for you. >> yeah! [ some laugher ] >> we'll take a break, and we'll be right back. >> moms mabely'd be great. >> that's right!
he's a comedian. he's making his first appearance on national television. and he's gonna be opening, tomorrow night, in las vegas-- the new comedy store, at the dunes hotel. and he'll be there through sunday night. would you welcome, please, louie anderson? louie? [ music ] [ cheering and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. i can't stay long. i'm in between meals, so bear with me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] i was just at mcdonald's, and all those statistics just changed, so. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i went shopping, today. what's this "one size fits all" stuff? [ laughter ] bein' in california, bein' fat. tryin' to get into this california life.
every time i'd lay down, people would push me back into the water. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] "hurry up. he's dying!" [ laughter ] and the bums, down at the beach! always comin' up to ya, those guys. "hey, buddy. could ya help me out with a sandwich?" "well, sure. where is it?" [ laughter ] of course, what brought me to california was the olympics. i was, uh-- tried every event, for the olympics. try that pole vault? i drove that sucker right into the ground. [ laughter ] i did a good thing, though. i straightened out those uneven parallel bars. [ laughter ] [ applause ] broad jump? killed 'er.
[ cheering ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] oh. sorry i'm sweating, but, if i don't, i'll explode. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] my favorite thing is when you go over to someone's house, and you're fat. they-they overcompensate. and sit down here, on this concrete sofa. [ laughter ] or the reinforced steel lawn furniture." [ laughter ] you know what i do? head right for that wicker. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] oh, boy. people say, "louie, why you do those fat jokes?"
he knows he's that big?" [ laughter ] like i woke up, one morning-- "oh, no. [ laughter ] honey, get in here." [ laughter ] i am from minnesota. any minnesotans here? [ applause ] [ cheering ] could i get a ride home with ya? [ laughter ] "oh, where would we put him?" [ laughter ] i love minnesota. we go back, every year. it's a great outdoor state. do a lot of camping. the bears put their food up in the trees. [ laughter ] i had a ve-- i had that very strict, midwestern upbringing-- a very strict father. the kinda guy who hates everybody. you know, my dad-- we'd be in the family car, driving down the street. he'd spot somebody, walkin' down the street that was a little different? oh, he'd slow that car down. [ laughter ] "look at that.
[ laughter ] get my rifle." [ laughter ] or he would-- he would say things that made no sense to ya, when you were a kid. he'd be drivin'. the traffic'd get rough. "ya know, if i was the last person on earth, some moron would turn left, in front o' me." [ laughter ] [ some applause ] and when he'd say that, too-- "if i was the last person--" you'd always turn to your brother and go, "wish he was, don't you?" ug my dad-- "i heard that, damn it! you kids wanna walk home, from here?" "well, yeah, it's only a block." "don't get smart, with me! or i'll drive ya 10 damn miles and drop ya off. [ laughter ] that's how far i had to walk to school, every damn day." [ laughter ] [ applause ] and-- and my brother would chime in-- "and ya didn't have any shoes, either, did ya, dad?" [ laughter ] [ some applause ]
the wrong impression of my father. he never hit us. carried a gun. [ laughter ] well, he never shot it. he'd just go-- [ making gun cocking noise ] very effective. i'll tell ya. [ laughter ] i loved hassling my parents. i had a younger brother, of course. that's the easiest way. 'cause you don't have to hit them, or anything. you just get up in the morning, and go down to breakfast. you look across the table. you do this. [ some laughter ] you do that, you'll hear this, every time. "mom... louie's looking at me, again!" [ laughter ] and you love that, 'cause you go, "oh, is it against the law to look at people? [ some laughter ] look it, mom. does this bother you?" [ laughter ] you keep it up, all of a sudden, you hear-- [ making gun cocking noise ] [ laughter ] "is he home, today?" [ laughter ] [ applause ]
[ music ] [ cheering and applause ] we are back. selma diamond is here, tonight. uh. selma diamond is one of the, uh, few ladies i know who writes comedy. she's also a very, uh, skilled comedy actress, and she can be seen in the hit movie "all of me," with steve martin and lily tomlin, and also nbc's comedy series "night court," which is on thursdays, at 9:30.
[ music ] [ cheering and applause ] >> how are you? hi. >> how are ya, selma? >> oh, i'm makin' it. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i do the best i can, with what i have-- >> yeah. >> and that's, uh-- >> you been around comedy a lotta years. isn't it nice to see some young person, like-- i know you saw the young man, just out here. >> oh, yes. he's very good get that kinda reaction? >> yeah. except that he has an advantage-- he's fat. [ some laughter ] for some rea-- i'm sorry. [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] what i mean-- what i mean-- no, let-let me explain that. we, unfortunately, are living in a society, where, when people look at you, they see fat, they see black, they see old--
a personal identity. >> right. >> i mean that! and i resent it. i actually resent it. of course, when we look at you, you're cute. >> i-- see? right away. >> yeah. >> but isn't that-- no. isn't that true? [ some laughter ] >> how old are ya? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] >> thirty-nine. when benny died, he left me the 39. >> his age? [ laugng >> ah, good to see ya. >> oh, i'm glad to see you, too. >> been a few years. >> you've been having an exciting life. >> isn't it, though? it's just, uh, a laugh a day. >> yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] how you been? >> i been pretty good. i been goin' from one career to another. you know, working. >> yeah. >> uh, it's fun. i like it. >> your voice hasn't changed. i remember, when i first met you, you got that, um-- >> yes? >> fred allen-- fred allen once wrote a wonderful line, and it reminded me, tonight, when i heard you, again. said, "had a voice that
on a blackboard." [ laughter ] >> you know, so far, he's asked me how old i am-- [ chuckling ] >> and you made a crack about my voice. nothing is happening, here. [ laughter ] but go ahead. it's your show. [ laughter ] >> "so, go ahead. what's to lose?" >> yeah. >> "what's to lose?" no. this is supposed to be the cheery holiday season. you get depressed, when holidays come along? >> no. >> lotta people go into a-a blue funk. >> no. >> yeah? >> i don't get depressed about anything. because, uh-- and i mean this-- when you're depressed, nobody cares. so, uh, i-i'm cheerful. like now. oh... [ laughter ] >> you mean you're on a high, now? [ laughter ] >> this is it. >> what-what is a down trip like, for you? i mean-- [ laughing ] >> that's gotta be-- >> no. i don't go down, abs-- >> you know, you-- you know, you're right, about being depressed? everybody's got
"i feel lousy," they say, "i don't care." >> oh, they-- i'll tell ya another thing. there were times, in new york-- you know, it's a cold day. you walk along the street, and you bump into somebody, and they say, "how are you?" and i say, "i'm freezing to death." and they say, "gee, that's great." nobody listens! >> yeah. >> people don't listen, anymore. >> they just wanna make some kinda contact. >> yeah. >> how are you enjoying "night court?" >> i-i-i like it-- >> a lotta people applauded, when i mentioned that. >> yes. >> yeah. [ cheering and applause ] >> except-- a strange thing. i walk along s and people come over and say, "i love you, on 'people's court.'" [ some laughter ] now, do i look like judge wapner, usually? [ laughter ] right? >> wapner. >> but they get the-- it mixed up. >> yeah. >> and ours is a c-- not that his show isn't funny. ya know. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> but ours is-- >> some o' the cases are pretty funny. >> yes. but ours is, uh, written funny. >> yeah. >> yeah. and we got cute, fresh people, on it. >> yeah. >> that harry anderson,
>> i did magic, for many years. >> yeah. well, he, uh-- >> he's very clever-- harry anderson. >> oh, he's darling. >> very clever, and funny. >> also, he's a nice person. >> yeah. >> i'm glad to say i don't think he's gonna become, ya know, one of these stars who is in business for themselves. >> yeah. >> he's not. i consider him my leader. i really do. >> that's nice for you to say. >> i like him. i like his wife, i like his kid. >> are most of your friends in the entertainment business? >> no. >> really? >> the-- i'll tell ya some-- >> why, do you find people in the entertainment business too-- >> not everybody. >> yeah. >> but i find that the women that are actresses-- i always have to wait for them. it seems, when you're an actress, you can't go out, unless your hair is done, and you've got makeup on. now, i'm ready, all the ti-- i'm on-- i've only done this, for your show. i can't wait to get home and wash my face. >> i see. [ laughter ] >> but actressy women-- you have to wait for them. >> yeah. too much ego. too much self-, uh-- >> no. >> perception?
that's the-- they're protecting their image. >> yeah. >> now, i know-- i walk around, like i did when i was a writer-- a slob. >> yeah. >> ya know. [ laughter ] but i know-- it doesn't bother me. >> yeah. >> what do i c-- i've made my impression on the public. >> yeah. >> this is it, fellas. >> how 'bout male-- how 'bout male friends? >> yeah. >> most out of the business? >> some are, and some aren't. >> yeah. >> i have no trouble-- it's-- i dunno why you have trouble with women. i don't have trouble with men. i mean, i-- there are plenty of neurotic contemporaries of mine still around. >> right. >> that's what i am. i'm a neurotic contemporary. that's why i have trouble with women. >> yeah, well, that's what i enjoy. >> oh, yeah? how old are ya? [ laughter ] >> thirty-nine. >> thirty-nine. >> i'll tell ya, because, first of all, i have no patience with anybody born after world war ii. i'm not gonna start explaining that. [ laughter ] >> you don't want-- >> you don't wanna go through the battle of the bulge, again. >> oh, gee. do you know-- [ laughing ] >> and-and the-- >> that's your cutoff point, huh? >> oh, that's it. [ laughing ]
to explain everything, see? now, i have many women friends who enjoy that. >> yeah. >> ya know, that young stuff. [ laughter ] they don't know anything! they really don't know anything. >> i said to somebody, ya know, uh-- [ stammering ] i saw the patton story, the other night. ga-- uh, g-george patton. and they said, "who's george patton?" >> isn't that scary? >> and you go onto the next thing and says, "well, ya know, eddie fisher is now, uh, singing." "who-who's eddie fisher?" >> that's right. >> and you say-- "mickey mouse? does that ring a bell?" [ laughter ] and they go, "oh. mickey mou what it is. the young people-- and i don't care if you all get mad at me. the way you all voted, i'm not too thrilled, with the way you went. [ laughter ] but-- [ applause ] they're not thinking. they-they are a-- only know what's going on now. they have not bothered to worry about what happened before and the effects it's having now.
? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? three is company, too. ? you finally did it-and it was actually easy. who would have thought? you did what dad taught you to do- you took care of business. you made up your mind. got it done. and that's a load off your shoulders. that's how it feels to get
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jack passed the written exam but today he has to take the cooking part. this afternoon we'll know if he's going to graduate or not. and you know he will, so we will and you will, won't you? i will what? come to the real party we're giving him tonight. weren't you listening? i think the drain is clear, but my head is clogged. i'll just connect this pipe back up here. chrissy? yeah? you turn the water on when i say when. okay.
can i ever get a moment's peace around here? we'll make it up to you. sure. when? ( groaning ) what a party. i swear, i will never drink again. why does... why does my chest hurt? don't you remember? no. last night after everybody else left you stayed up trying to suck an olive through a straw. aspirin. where are the aspirins? they're in the cabinet. i'll get some. hurry up, chrissy. my head's pounding. no, it's not your head. it's furley. he's working on the drain. huh? he's fixing the sink. oh, hi, jack. the girls told me you'll be graduating soon. congratulations. thanks. in a few days i will be a full-fledged chef and you know what that means. you can wear an apron over your dress?
t back to work here. here you go, jack. thanks, chrissy. i'll be making steady money and we'll pay the rent on time. time. what time is it? uh, it's a little after 10:00. oh, my god, i'm late for my test! i got to go. oh, good luck. oh, yeah, good luck! and so, class, after three long years it's come down to this. d now as i look at your smiling faces i say, what are you so happy about?! cooking is a serious business. so wipe off those stupid grins. that's better. oh, dean! dean! dean travers, my alarm didn't go off. the bus was late. i missed my stop. i had to run five blocks. tripper, just say you're sorry. i'm sorry. that's not good enough. now get to your place. yes, sir. excuse me.
from lowly student to illustrious alumni. what's the matter, tripper-- two at home aren't enough for you? yes, sir... no, no, sir. no, no, look. what i mean is... ( loud humming ) i didn't know it was loaded. i'm sorry, sir. excuse me, it was an accident. tripper, you're an accident. now, you'll all be preparing the same dish for your final. any implements or ingredients you'll need you'll find at your usual stations. i will now announce the dish you'll be making. this is the moment you've all been waiting for. the envelope, please. and the dish is... "coller de salmon"
and, of course, no talking. uh, mr. travers? if you were trying to attract my attention, tripper you've succeeded. i just wanted to know if there was a time limit. yes. now, you'll have an hour and a half our dish for the oven. okay? get on your mark. get set. cook! hey, jack, how many? how many what? onions. i can't tell you. you heard the dean. do you grill the mushrooms or saute them? leave me alone, please! all i want... i can't tell you!
ch i've appreciated you being my teacher. well, i'll accept that. now, no more talking! fini. jack, can i borrow your finger for a minute? if you play your cards right you can have the whole body. it's for my apron-- it's come undone. oh, sure. ...and i'll tie the bow. yeah. thanks. my pleasure. sheila? sheila, sheila?! tripper... do you know what the teapot said to the teacup? no. what? i'm getting steamed. yeah, excuse me, sir. can i get my finger back? it just got caught.
never... not another word. finished at last. oh, janet, what do you think of my sign? "congraduations"? chrissy, you made a mistake. no, no, no. i was going to say "congratulations on your graduation" but then i ran out of room so i just wrote "congraduations." think jack will get it? yeah, if you sign it. i can't wait to give jack his present. me either! i got to show you what i got him. i'll show you what i got, too. i know this is the perfect gift. okay, what do you think? well, one of us is going to have to take their hat back and get something else. well, that's a great idea.
( doorbell rings ) i'll get it. hey, why should i...? what? was there a sale or something? i don't believe it. you got jack a chef's hat, too? no. this is chef's hat "three." ( laughs ) all right, look i've got a bottle of champagne back at the apartment. i'll give him that instead. okay. jack! he's coming up the stairs! get in here! him. okay, let's hide. leave the hats on! all: surprise! i guess he didn't like the hats. ( sighs ) hey, jack...
nothing. i just failed my final exam. what?! ( gasps ) you failed? how? by flunking. that means i'm not going to graduate. oh, no! oh, jack... i'm sorry. hey, this is not the end of the world. ( chuckles ) you can take that test again next year. janet, i cannot afford to go on being a student forever. i'm not going back to school. wait a minute. you're very upset, and rightfully so but don't go making decisions till you think it over. i have thought it over. i'm going to forget about becoming a great chef. you know what you ought to do? i know. i ought to take off. hey, great idea! that's it! take a vacation! when you get back, jack everything will look better. you don't understand. i'm not coming back.
jack! oh, listen, jack we want to talk about this. i just wanted to give you my share of the rent before i leave. well, okay, um... where are you going to go? i don't know. i may go home and help my father with his business or something. there's just nothing for me here. ( doorbell rings ) well, jack, we're here. what about us? surprise! hi, jack. what's cooking? mr. furley... i guess i really bowled him over, huh? hey, why the long faces? jack failed his cooking exam, and he's going to move out. move out?! it's a good thing i showed up when i did. jack, it's time you and i had a talk.
what's all this about you running away? don't you know that when the going gets tough the tough get going? so you failed. big deal. look at me. i've failed almost everything i've ever tried. i've never really amounted to anything. my whole life has just been one big failure after another. ( voice breaking ): i'm the laughing stock of my family. the only reason i have this job jack, if you can wait until tomorrow i'll go with you. i'm so depressed. that's it. i'm going to go pack. hey, hey, wait a second, jack. now, look, maybe you didn't fail. maybe they made a mistake.
st can't understand how. i mixed all the ingredients. i wrapped the salmon in the dough and i put it in the... sheila's apron! you should have put it in the oven. that must have been when he did it. i should never have turned my back on him. i wouldn't turn my back on a guy named sheila either. not sheila. ben. i turned my back on ben when i helped sheila tie her apron. ben must have switched his dish with mine. i knew it! oh, i knew that you couldn't fail. look, all you have to do now is tell dean travers and then you can graduate. forget it. i can't prove it. i didn't actually see him do it. he'd never believe me anyway. there must be something we can do. wait. i got it. what? what? look, all you've got to do is get ben to admit in front of dean travers that he pulled the switcheroo on jack. you're home free. that's a wonderful idea. glad i could help, huh? hold it, hold it.
how do we get ben to confess? can't you figure these tiny details out yourself? oh, thank you, larry. he was a big help. oh, yeah. no, he was. he was. i know how to do it: by using my secret weapon. what secret weapon? you two. what? what? jack, how do i look? whoa, you look sensational. t. you're right about him, he is a letch. when i invited him to come over he practically jumped at me through the phone. you've got to remember to keep dean travers in the kitchen. i don't want ben to see him before chrissy gets him to confess. i don't know if i'll be able to do it. of course you will. just play that word association game. it will trip him up. he won't suspect anything? i had sheila call him to arrange the date with you.
nothing will go wrong. i'll be close by. where? i'll be in the bathroom. good luck. you'll be great. the bathroom?! okay. ( clears throat ) well, dean travers. i'm so glad you could come. ( snickering ) come in. well, uh, gosh, i hope you don't think it was too forward of me to phone up and invite you over that way. ( snickering ) that with jack having moved out it was time you and i got to know each other better. really? did you say jack moved out? yeah, just today. oh, i'm sorry. you remember chrissy? ( snickering ) ( doorbell rings ) i'll get it. uh, gosh, that'll be chrissy's date. why don't you and i go into another room so we can be alone. you mean...? yes. the kitchen.
hi. oh... chrissy snow? yeah. come on in. wow! well, why does a doll like you ( clearing throat ): need a blind date? why, i'm very shy. oh. come sit on the couch with me. well, i'm real shy, too. ah! uh, uh, do you like to play games? uh... that's what i'm here for. well, uh, let's play word association. ah. well. that's not quite what i had in mind. see, i'll say a word, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind, okay? light. um, dark. hot. cold. switch... hitter. that's not right. oh, well, what should i have said?
excuse me, i got to go to the bathroom. jack, it's not working. what am i going to do? uh, uh... flirt with him. flirt with him? yeah, chrissy, you know... i can't do... i don't know how to do... you just flirt with him, get him to confess. hi. did you miss me? yeah, uh... what'll we play next? confession. see, i'll tell you something and then you tell me something. do you want to know what a bad girl i've been? yeah. uh...
and i switched the sugar and the salt. isn't that awful? shocking. okay. now you confess something. well, i confess that i can't keep my hands off you. have some wine. you just say when, okay? as soon as i finish that drink. ah! oh! oh, no, i'll just, uh, clean up in the bathroom. oh, no, uh, you can't use the bathroom. well, why not? because my pantyhose are hanging all over the place. so? well, you can see right through them! dean travers... look, dean travers, i really don't think you and i should rush into anything.
ah! oh...! wait. give me your hand. oh, that's more like it. uh, sit down. okay. ah! you don't have a lifeline. what does that mean? that means give me your other hand. oh, there it is. good. i thought i was dead. whoa! you want to let go of my hands? no. i want to read your future. oh! are you in it? oh, yes! let's see. you will... behave yourself. oh? mm-hmm, or you will experience a lot of pain. ( moaning ) i've got to use your bathroom. no, let's sit on the couch. look, i promise not to look at your pantyhose. no, don't go in there! oh, no! oh, god! oh... ( screams ) ( yells )
h! jack, it's not working. what am i going to do? just hang on. let me think of something. oh, forget it. i'll use my own brains. i'm dead. well, look, i'm hungry. uh, what do you say that we go out for a bite, huh? no! okay, we can stay here. oh... ben... i almost forgot. congratulations. for what? for graduating with the second-highest marks. hey, that's great. how'd you know that? sheila told me. tripper was first sheila was fifth, you were second. tripper was first? yeah. well, how do you like that? he beat me with my own dish.
i... you know, for a gag, i switched dishes with tripper. ( forced laughter ) could you say that again? jack: and louder. what was that? that was me. uh, sometimes my voice goes down into my chest. i don't blame it a bit. just tell me again what you did to jack. why? it turns me on. dean tr... ( yelling ) shh! tripper, what are you doing? i want you to hear something. be very quiet. listen to this. and so i switched dishes with jack. i mean, you know, all that trouble and then travers, that idiot windbag gives my dish the highest marks. idiot windbag, huh?! dean travers! uh... hey, i can explain.
come on, some words from the new graduate. okay, i just want to thank all of you for standing by me throughout my education and i'd like to say although i'll probably be a rich and famous chef and i'll own my own restaurant someday i won't forget you, my dearest friends. does that mean we'll eat at your restaurant free? no, but you'll always be able to get a reservation i promise you. all you got to do is call me three weeks in advance... no, no, no. i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i love this diploma. look at it. it's beautiful. it's the thing i've wanted most of all. well, second most.
- mama's coming from phoenix and she'll be here any minute now. - she was just here. - three months ago. - see, she's making a habit of it. [doorbell] - oh, there she is now. - see, i knew i shouldn't have had that bell fixed. - hi! - hi! oh, it's good to see you. - come on in. - oh, hello hubert. - it's stanley! - stanley, yes that's a very good brand. - you're looking good, mama. - oh i feel good, and thank god my mind is as sharp as a tack, hubert. - that's stanley. - i didn't hear it ring. - mama, why don't you just sit down?
- oh, very nice thank you. oh, that reminds me, somebody called before i left, asking for you. you'll never guess who. - who? - who what? - who called? - oh, tom cummins. - tom cummins? - who's he? - he was a sergeant at the uso where helen worked during that war we had. he was so handsome. - oh yeah. - probably fat and bald now. - tom? oh, i doubt it, he'd never let himself go the way stanley has. - hey, that's me you're talking about! - you? well you're nothing like tom, you're more like stanley. - i am stanley!
- he does? - what? she's a married woman, and beside you wouldn't want to see him anyway, right, helen? - right, did he leave a number? - he's coming to los angeles and he wants to have a little reunion with you. 8 o'clock on the third at the wilshire fairmont hotel. - the third, but that's today. at the office today? - nah, i changed my mind. it's saturday, besides i have something for david i can't wait to show him. ta da! - jeffrey, he'll love that in 10 years when he grows into it. - it's the smallest size they have. now, where is the little engineer? - playing. - playing can't keep his hands off daddy's old train set can he?
and you shouldn't be playing with it. - jeffrey, he's enjoying himself. - where did you get this, we're miles from the nearest garbage dump? - but mr. roper - that's right, i forgot about the dump next door. - jeffrey - oh, that's just like roper, foisting his refuse on an innocent child. - but he didn't, david traded the train set for it. - oh well that's he what? your train set no, he ' door and you get it right back, do you understand? - but i can't. - why? - we said keeps. - oh, hi jenny. something wrong? - i'm just tired of sketching fruit. you can't believe how boring it gets staring at something that just lays there. - oh yes i can.
pictures of back when i was in the uso. - oh yeah, let's see. oh, look at you, ooh you were really cuttin lose there weren't you? - yeah well, i guess in those days i wasn't afraid to do crazy, impulsive things. - what made you stop? - one day i went too far and married mr. roper. - ooh who's he? - oh that's an old beau. he's in town and wants me to have a drink with him tonight. - oh look, that's a picture of the girls at the uso, they were all so crazy about tom. - boy, fashions sure were different then, huh? - yeah. - i mean, when was the last time you saw dresses like those? - the last time i looked in my closet. do you think i should go, jenny? - do you want to? - yeah, but after all, i'm a married woman. it might upset
go. - why can't i go out just one night for a harmless reunion? - you can! - i can't. - then don't. - but i want to. - then do. - you're right, i won't. - whatever you say. - make up your mind, jenny! - i'm back. - oh did you drop mama off at ethel's? - oh ? - what's the matter? - i think i need a new set of shock absorbers. - why? - i ran over a pothole and and it shook the co mother's false teeth fell out. - poor mama. - yeah. - well, i gotta get to work. mr. roper, would you mind posing for me? - mind, it would be a pleasure. - good take off your clothes. - what? - oh well, guess i'll just have
- nothing. - oh, i bet you were looking at a picture of that tom guy, weren't you? - no. - well listen, you're not the only one who had a few flings around here. before i met you, there were a lot of women in my life. - yeah, what was her name? - gloria mealy. - that's nice. - let me see that. - ha, ha, yo a guy calling you up after all these years. you're not going to see him are you? - no. stanley, hey, i just thought of something. you remember that little restaurant we used to go to? - restaurant? - yeah you know, the little italian one down at the beach? - oh, the one with the wine bottles hanging over our head. - yeah, and the candles on the tables - oh yeah, we haven't been there for years. - right, well can't we go down
- why? - i just thought it would be a sort of romantic thing to do. it'd be just like old times. - no it wouldn't, they probably charge four dollars for the pizza now. - okay, forget it! - helen, what did i say? - you noticed. - i thought you weren't going to go tonight? - i changed my mind. - i see. what's that? - oh, just some perfume i bought this afternoon.
- it creates a mood stanley, not a miracle. - i know why you're doing this, you're trying to make me jealous. well it won't work, go ahead, go see your old boyfriend, it won't bother me, go ahead. - all right, i will. - you will not. - give me one good reason why i shouldn't go. it. - i said a good reason. - helen - look stanley, i may not enjoy myself tonight, i may even feel guilty, i may be thinking about you the entire evening, but just the same, i'm going! - go ahead, go ahead! two can
want to kiss and makeup? - what? - brooks, it's you. - i know it's me, i want my choo-choo train. - sure. - roper, did you hear what i said? - it's on the table. - i must say, you're taking this is very well. - brooks, are you busy? - well i i - i i want to talk to you. - okay okay - yeah. i've given up on women. - what? - it's not the same with them as it is with men. - what are you talking about? - i'm talking about loyalty and
- i love helen! - well, thank god. - what what happened to good old-fashioned virtues like faithfulness. - oh, i know what you mean. [telephone ringing] wives you give them the best years of your life they turn around and what do they do, they stab you right in the back. hello? message. sta stan stanley roper. you remember, athletic good-looking lot of fun roper, r-o-p we went out a couple of years ago, remember? i think it was 1951. well, we had such a good time that i thought you might want to do it again
- i'm sorry i'm late, but i i almost didn't come at all. - glad you're here. - well you know i've never done anything like this before, not that there's anything to feel guilty about but well after all i am a married woman and tom tom chester. - can i get you something? - yeah, a cab, i want to go home. - come on, let me fix something to relax you. - no thank you. - my own concoction, three kinds of fruit juice and a splash of vodka. - well - i could hold the vodka. - could you hold the fruit juice?
here at the hotel? - no. - then i guess you're here for an affair? - what? - the hartigan wedding. - oh - may i? - oh, thank you. oh dear, i'm meeting somebody and i don't want him to see me like this. - why not, you look lovely. - helen? - oh - oh - how are you? - well, you know - well, if i knew, i wouldn't be here. tonight i'm going to find out all about you, we're going to catch up on a lot of years. - how about a drink? - i'll have the same as the lady's having. so helen i don't have to tell you how great
- you look great, you are still that same sweet, lovely girl i knew back then, haven't changed a bit. [coughing] well maybe a little. so these days, you're uh? - married. - well, i was going to say living in los angeles so you're married. - yeah. - well, what's he like? - your husband. - oh, steven, i mean stanley oh he's the same as usual - oh, that's nice, grab your drink. - oh where are we going? - upstairs, i've booked a private room. - private room? - oh i'm not rushing you if you'd like to finish your drink - no.
go up to your room, i mean couldn't we just stay here and do what we've been doing? - and miss the best part? come on. - tom, i can't, but thank you for asking. - well, what are you talking about you can't, the others are waiting. alan and all the others, the old gang from the uso club. you don't want them to start the reunion without us do you? - oh no no, of course not. - helen, are you feeling all right? - oh oh i'm feeling just fine. well, let's go, we don't want to keep the others waiting.
- can i get you something? - i'm looking for a woman. - you've come to the wrong place. you'll have to ask the bell capt. - i'm talking about my wife. she's got red hair, red dress and smells like desire. - you just missed her. wait for my date. - your date? - sure wish i could remember what she looked like. - how is she supposed to recognize you? - hey, why do you think i'm wearing a red rose? - i'll say this, you sure got
- oh wow, ooh, i love a classy place like this. hey what you gotta do to get a drink around here? - what can i get for you? - a double rum and coke and put it on a tab, i got a free ride tonight. - yeah, some guy i barely remember, called me up out of nowhere. i sure hope he can afford to spring for a good time. - is he supposed to be wearing a red rose? - yeah. - i think you'll find him in one of those booths over there. - oh yeah? - yeah. - i don't see him. - that's funny, he was here a
- hi helen, did you have a good time? - oh yeah, wonderful. we had music and wine, up in his room, just tom and me and 12 other people. he invited the whole - oh. - well, aren't you going to laugh at me? - i wouldn't do that, just hope you learned a lesson that's all. i mean, you can't go back, life moves on. - boy, that sure is the truth. - well, at least we have each
morning. ( screams ) ( chuckles ) why did salem startle me? it's friday the 13th the day black witch cats have the power to scare the daylights out of people. you should've seen your face. i got to stop laughing or milk's going to come out of my nose. here comes hilda. act normal. good morning, hilda. ( screams ) ( laughing ) ah, happy friday the 13th, salem. aunt hilda, a bat just flew out of your mouth. how embarrassing. i have bat breath again. have you been eating pomegranates? i know they don't agree with me but i had such a craving for that juicy, crimson pulp. is it bad?