tv CBS Overnight News CBS November 18, 2016 2:07am-4:00am EST
now, that's weird! [ booing ] oh, come on, i'm just-- gasoline prices are-- [ laughter ] are goin' up, again. d'ya know that? yeah, they're goin' back up. i went to see my favorite gas station attendant, today, mr. goodshaft. [ laughter ] and-and, uh-- did i tell ya about him? surly man. i said, "would ya clean the windshield?" she spit on it and turned on the windshield wipers. [ laughter ] i said, "my tire's flat." he said, "only on the bottom." [ laughter ] anyway, tonight-- you're in a good mood, 'cause we've got a-- we got a couple people [ applause ] [ cheering ] uh, you're welcome to, uh-- we have two big names, tonight. i'm reluctant to even mention who's first, because the other person will say, "hey, he-- you mentioned his na--" you got a coin, on ya? >> yes, sir, i have. >> well, we'll flip. because, you know, billing is very important. >> there you go. >> 'cause we have big names,
[ music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] oh. if you just joined us-- >> you missed a great monologue. >> thank you. we've got sylvester stallone and steve martin with us, tonight. i saw "rocky iii," last ni good picture. he did it again, by golly. well, as you know, this is the time o' year-- the past-- yes. >> before you do that-- >> oh, yeah, i've got somethin' i wanna mention. >> doc and i have something that we should mention. >> yeah. excuse me. uh, doc is gonna be, uh, leaving town, tonight. uh-- [ some applause ] [ laughter ] >> and just in time! [ chuckling ] >> by popular request. no, he's, uh-- [ some laughter ] doc is going to be appearing, uh, saturday-- which is tomorrow-- may 22nd, with the charleston west virginia symphony, uh, tomorrow af-- is that afternoon or evening,
in the evening. [ some laugher ] but wait, i better check with tom. [ chuckling ] >> uh, that's tomorrow. and, in lexington, kentucky, he will be at the university of kentucky, with his, uh, group, uh, zebron, on monday, may 24th. [ applause ] that's the jazz group. that should be fun. that'll be a good trip. and you've got a trip, comin' up. >> yes. i'm doing a little, uh, moonlighting. one of your other scouts is out, on tuesday night. >> you and tim conway. >> yeah, we're hosting a show-- you know, a lotta the shows are called "special." >> yeah. >> this is special. >> oh? >> because it is the study of commercials, for the last 30 years. and it really is studying us. it's like our morays, how the times have changed, how our styles have changed. >> i see. >> it's interesting. very lovely show. >> thank you, very much. >> i'm very pleased with it. so, look in, tuesday night, 10:00. >> what? >> over most of the same stages. >> is it on this network? >> yes, it is. >> good. okay. yes. i wouldn't give a plug like that, for another network. >> well, speaking of television-- and we just were-- >> yes. >> if you were paying attention. [ some laughter ] lotta-lotta shows, have been popular, left-- you know, barney miller,
be back. uh, uh, what are some of the other shows that've-- >> "m*a*s*h" is ending. >> "m*a*s*h." finished, after 10 years. it's too bad, 'cause a lotta those were very, very good shows. and this is the time o' year that the networks have already announced their shows, for the programs, for the fall season. [ some laughter ] no, i'm gonna give you a sample. th-these are-- on nbc, they have a show called "night rider." it's "a series about a champion of the underdog--" i love the publicity things. >> mmm. >> "a champion of the underdog, who fights crime, with a-- aid of a special, indestructible black car, the most incredible automobile ever invented." >> mmm. >> now, that's the premise. there's a show called "silver spoons," with ricky schroder. stars as "a lad, more mature, in years, than his rich but irresponsible father." we have a show called "gavilan" coming out, "about "a former cia operative who can't get dangerous living out of his system. a man who uses many gadgets to keep him out of trouble."
the night that goes on, won't ya? >> yeah. >> i wanna see that. [ laughter ] >> "the power of matthew star." this is about "a seemingly ordinary high school teenager, who is actually from another planet and possesses telekinetic powers." an-- "bring 'em back alive." now, remember-- >> right. >> who that was? >> frank buck. >> "based on the exploits of big game trapper frank buck." uh, "mama malone." oh, that's on cbs. the "bring 'em back alive." they also have "mama malone." this is about "theow who broadcasts an offbeat television cooking show, from the kitchen of her brooklyn apartment." [ some laughter ] let's see. they also have a show called, uh, "the good witch of laurel canyon." [ some laughter ] "a lighthearted drama about a pair of married private detectives, whose lives are complicated by her unpredictable psychic powers." psychics are in, this year, i think. on abc. ron glass, from barney miller.
"the odd couple." the new-- it's called "the new odd couple." let's see. [ laughter ] here's one called "star in the family," "a comedy about an ambitious young pop singer and her crusty, softhearted father." >> oh. [ some laughter ] >> notice that they're always "crusty" or-- >> yeah. >> but vulnerable. here's one, here-- "brass monkey." now, this one-- [ person applauding ] [ some laughter ] you know something about this show? >> yeah. >> do you really? i'm gonna give you the premise of this show. thisfr that they send out. "set in the south pacific. it's about a daring cargo pilot, who battles sinister nazis, a villainous but beautiful eurasian princess, and larson's rogues, with the help of his one-eyed dog and a gorgeous american spy." [ laughter ] >> mmm! [ chuckling ] >> those are some of the programs you can-- a one-eyed dog! somebody said-- [ chuckling ] >> one-eyed dog. >> somebody said, "hey! harry, we haven't used a-- one-eyed-dog show,
with an eyepatch." [ chuckling ] >> well, those are the shows that were considered good enough, by the network, to get on. you can imagine the shows that they saw that could not make it-- >> could not make it. >> for one reason or another. >> i'm sure you've got a couple to tell us about. >> the producers of these unfortunate shows that didn't make it were kind enough to send us some publicity stills. [ some laughter ] and we may be able to explain why these shows were not selected to be seen, in the fall. if you watch the monitor-- [ chuckling ] you'll-you'll know, along with us. there was a special medical show, filmed right here-- filmed right here, at nbc, called "dr. tolmein nagucci, commissary coroner." [ laughter ] didn't get on. >> didn't get on. did not get on. >> there was a celebrity golf tournament, with a religious theme. [ laughter ] this was called "the-the reverend moon open." [ laughter ] [ applause ]
now, barnum and bailey, who, you know, put on a show, every year, sponsored a three-hour white paper report on a medical problem sweeping the circus world-- clown herpes. [ laughter ] didn't get on. now, here's a show that just didn't have a chance. was called "fantasy outhouse." [ laughter ] d, in this very opening episode, mr. rourke's secret fantasy comes true, a lumberjack's men's room. [ laughter ] and that-- they thought that was bad taste. from the makers of "the streets of san francisco" comes "the streets of san juan capistrano." [ laughter ] about two detectives who try not to get their hats soiled, when the swallows return. [ laughter ] somebody saw no-- this was probably the worst. possibly most boring new drama
bad shaver." [ laughter ] >> didn't get on. >> tried to make a show, outta that. [ some laughter ] now, this-- ya know, lawrence welk went off, after these low-- these many years, and this show was supposed to appeal to laurence welk fans. it's a musical show, featuring maestro chubby florin, who sits in a bathtub filled with flat champagne and makes his own bubbles. [ laughter ] [ some booing ] i know. i agree with you! you're absolutely right. and that's why it didn't get on! when that was presented, people went, "oh, no!" >> "oh, no." >> now, here's a sunday-morning religious show that didn't come close, host-hosted by this man, the reverend ernst areacode, [ some laughter ] who believes that, from anywhere in the continental united states, for less than three fifty-five on weekends, you can dial god, direct. [ laughter ] they said no, to that. and so did you.
"marcus winsus, dummy doctor." [ laughter ] >> "dummy doctor." >> that's right. from the producers of "little house on the prairie" comes a more adult drama-- "little hooker on the ten-speed." [ laughter ] [ applause ] didn't make it. >> didn't make it. >> this was probably the worst sitcom ever made, about a bachelor luncheonette owner who has a very unusual mom. it's called "my mother [ some laughter ] i knew this was going to get absolutely nothing. >> and you were right. >> this was a made-for-television movie, very loosely adapted from the classic movie "how green was my valley," about a water skiing cow-- uh, cowboy and his horse, called "how wet was my gelding." [ laughter ] this was a spin off of the miniseries "inside the thd reh." remember when that was on, last week? >> mmm-hmm. >> called "inside the third booth." [ some laughter ]
[ applause ] >> i know. he's not expecting this. >> don't tell me this is rocky iv. >> no. [ laughter ] he just thinks that-- every day i go to work, i always come home with bloody noses and bruises, and he wanna know who does it. and i said him. [ laughter ] >> is this your-- is your boy? >> yeah. yeah. >> hi! what's his name. >> this is sage. >> hi, sage. how are ya? >> fine. >> nice to meet you. you didn't know where your dad went, when he went to work. >> no. so, say goodbye, sage. [ laughter ] >> see ya later, sage. [ chuckling ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ laughter ] >> i wish someone had done that to me. [ chuckling ] >> yeah! nobody ever did that, at your age? took ya out in public and said, "hey. here's-here's my kid," right? >> yeah. >> how old is he? about, uh-- six? >> he's about six years old,
>> good-lookin' boy. >> yeah, he's fine. fine kid. >> does he go to see, uh-- >> uh. >> the pictures? is he too young to understand, uh-- to separate the reality, from, uh-- >> he was, up until about a year ago. truthfully, he-he thought i was a fighter and a boxer, and-- i guess it's because my wife is always beatin' up on me, anyway, so it's-- [ laughter ] it wasn't that much different. so, now, he has, uh-- he's much more interested in, uh, steve martin. he says, uh, "there's a man--" >> sure. >> "i'm interested in." [ laughter ] >> that always figures-- when you're-- when you're a celebrity or a star, and you have your ki >> oh, sure. >> 'cause you're just dad, that's all. and that's the way it should be. i saw your movie, last night. i enjoyed it. >> oh, thank you, very much. >> you got another winner, there. you really do. >> well, i hope so. i really feel responsible for the third one t-- you know. >> yeah. >> it's like living up to your two older brothers. >> yeah. >> and hand-me-downs. you say, "oh, i don't wanna go out there, do something that's embarrassing." so, a lotta people put a lotta work and love and-- i don't wanna sit there and get maudlin about this, but i-i hope everyone likes it-- >> yeah. >> 'cause we're very proud of it. >> i'll tell ya somethin'. you've gotta be, after making
in hollywood. [ cheering ] 'cause every one of 'em-- they-- [ applause ] i mean you-you gotta go into training, not only in the scenes to film it, but you gotta be in shape, to do the s-- do the fight scenes. >> well, the-- this fight is, uh, kinda like, uh, a metaphor for the way, i think, that people have to constantly be changing their lives, alter their philosophies, to stay one step ahead of the game. >> right. >> so, what johnny is talking about-- in this fight, i lose about 30 pounds from the other "rocky"s. it's-it's quite different, visually. >> right. >> and it took about 10 months, to-to do all that-- and working out with professional bodybuilders, professional boxers, and professional torturers-- [ laughter ] >> you probably get this question i'm asking-- after all these scenes and doin' all the work, from the gym training-- you think you could step in, with a-- oh, let's say a pretty good club fighter, now, and, uh-- >> funny you should ask that. um-- >> yeah. step in the ring. we-- i'm talkin' about-- i'm talkin' about champion, but a good club fighter. >> well, i think,
and will was in order-- no, le-- i-- lemme give you an example. >> yeah. >> i thought, this time, "wouldn't it be interesting to take a real fighter and bring him into the film--" 'cause i-i need a new opponent, at the end-- "and just teach him how to act, a little-little bit? that'll save a lotta time." so, the first one is earnie shavers. [ chuckling ] now, earnie shavers is about-- i dunno-- 59 fights and about 56 knockouts. well, i got into the ring, with him-- and you have to really begin to believe, you know, "i'm pretty hot, you know." >> uh-huh. [ some laughter ] okay. he hit me on the elbow, and knocked my wind out. [ laughter ] okay? hit me here-- >> yeah. >> and got a concussion. [ laughter ] then, he got me in the corner-- >> you're not jokin'. >> no. i s-- >> you know, i'll tell you why. years ago-- w-we'll come back. i didn't wanna-- years ago, the late rocky marciano was sitting, in new york-- and we were talkin' about fighters-- and he used to hit guys, on the arm. >> oh! >> and, just from not-- covering up-- and what you just said-- would absolutely-- >> my arm-- it started, and then it
and then-- >> yeah. >> shakin'. then, he looked at me, and there was a certain voracious hunger, like i was a t-bone steak, and-- [ some laughter ] he had-- he had been marooned, on an island, for years. and he proceeded to-- like 17 body punches, and i-i-- and i said, "do i-- what is that screechin', in the background?" it's the producer, saying, "save my boy!" [ laughter ] "save my boy! there goes my--" >> he's a professional fighter. that's the only he knows how to-- >> but he was great. and-- he was great. and i thought he really hit so, i said, "maybe i'll go to someone a little easier." joe frazier. [ some laughter ] true. we're in the ring, and we're boxin'. all of a sudden, i feel somethin' warm. "this-this can't be nerves. what is it?" and i look up, and i say, "either i'm bleeding, or someone has just dumped marmalade on my head." and what it was just a quick, little butt that was accidental, and, uh, i said-- "here i am. one man beats me to death. i'm bleeding."
we haven't g-- i haven't passed the audition, yet, and i'm ready for traction." >> so, that's when-- >> so-- >> you decided maybe not to go with a professional heavyweight. >> no. and i-- so, we went out, and i found the fella, on tv, who was throwing midgets. [ laughter ] um. >> now, you may have seen this guy. i knew who it was, when i heard the name. they call him mr. t, right? >> mis-- yes. uh, i-i was really hung up on who to find, as an opponent, because i really believed that, in a-- any kinda combat, you're only as good as your competitio i needed someone who was really an interesting nemesis. and we looked around, and the-- uh, the casting director named rhonda young finally said, "you should see this guy on television, mr. t. he's throwing midgets, and he's breaking doors with his forehead." i said, "this is my kind of man!" [ laughter ] i like him. he's got style." and i looked, and he had a mohawk and eight earrings, and-- >> mmm-hmm. >> and all the jewelry-- it looked like an explosion, at-at cartier. >> yeah. >> it's like boom, all--
so, he really is, uh-- is a godsend. >> yeah. >> he really is. he's fantastic. >> we gotta do a commercial. we're gonna come back and talk some more about it and other things. then, we have a-- there's a wonderful sequence, in the thing, where you-- >> oh. with the-- >> for a charity match, within the framework of the story-- have a bout with a boxer-- uh, with a wrestler-- professional wrestler. >> yes. >> and i think we have a little-- >> thunder lips. >> thunder lips. we'll take a break. we'll be right back. [ applause ]
[ applause ] we have returned. thank you, doc. okay. you, uh-- before we show the film clip, you shot part of this in philadelphia. isn't it true that, when you were a teenager, you were, uh, you were expelled from a couple schools, in philadelphia. [ clearing throat ] >> yes, i was-- >> i heard that >> i was asked to-- >> asked to leave? >> evacuate the hallway.
difficult time, trying to, um, adjust to school, in general. i dunno. it just seemed that, at that time-- i dunno how the school board conducts its business, today, but it seems as though you-- i was always forced into subjects that i felt didn't have any relevancy, like algebra and xmsg accelerated geometry. and i was just thinking, "how do i get this hickey off my neck?" [ some laughter ] i mean-- the-the two didn't seem to jive. >> yeah. >> uh, but i guess the priorities today have-have changed-- sorry. [ chuckling ] >> yeah. uh, let's-let's show this little film clip. this is, uh-- who's the fella that you, uh-- you do this with? >> his name is hulk hogan. he is, uh, another fellow that i saw, one night, on television. i was lay-- had insomnia, and he came on, and he beat up four wrestlers, at the same time. and he was a giant. he's about seven feet tall, about 350 pounds. and i thought, "how interesting." if rocky were to have a charity match, everything was supposed to be nice and sweet,
and they're all out there, with their balloons. >> kinda fake a show-- >> yeah, we'd fake it. we'll move here, we'll move there. and this man decides to show the world that he's gonna turn rocky into a little wet spot. >> okay. watch the monitors. here's a little excerpt, from, uh, "rocky iii." [ cheering ] >> slugger, from philadelphia. [ yelling ] >> better shut up! break you in a half. >> how much do you think he eats? >> 'bout 202 pounds. >> weighing 202 pounds, the reigning heavyweight champion of the world, rocky balboa! [ cheering ] >> we love you, rocky! rocky, rocky, rocky, rocky! >> come on! >> come to the center of the ring, please. >> okay, come on, mickey. [ applause ] >> all right, you guys. you know this is for fun,
and give 'em a good show. >> listen, uh, after the match, how 'bout, uh, we get a polaroid together, okay? [ growling ] >> you're in trouble! [ crowd reacting ] i'm gonna break you in half, like this! >> seems like, lately, everybody wants to beat me up. >> get balboa! >> stay awake! make faces! pull around the ring! got it, kid? all right. >> here's the ring. >> i get nervous, every time he t [ bell ringing ] [ yelling ] >> whoa-oa-oa. you move pretty fast, for a big guy, ya know that? listen, why don't we just move around, a little bit? you know, like, give 'em a good show. first, i'll chase you, and you chase me , 'kay? how's that? all right? here we go. okay? that hurt? all right. how's that? okay. not bad, huh? [ applause ]
>> thank you. thank you, very much. >> i'll tell ya. [ applause ] tha-- [ chuckling ] that sequence goes on, for about three and a half or four minutes, and it really is funny. it really is hysterical. [ chuckling ] >> yes. it's easy, for you to say. >> easy, for me! [ laughter ] yeah. we oughta get that guy on a show. what's his name? >> uh, well, i-- >> never seen him before. >> hulk hogan. >> whew. >> yeah, he's a-- >> you're in good shape, and then this comes out, and it's like-- ya know. >> his dimensions, he-- his arms are 24 inches around. my thigh is 21. [ laughter ] okay? his chest is 62. around the shoulders, he's close to 70 inches around. >> that's a large-- that's a large person. >> okay? i mean, his-- >> large person. >> his size is-- his neck is 23. [ laughter ] and he eats 5'10" italians. [ laughter ] >> were you hurt-- w-- d-- were you hurt, in any-any phase of makin'
caught-caught one? >> yes, your honor. >> yeah. >> yes-- oh, yes. uh, usually, it was my fault. the, uh, hulk, here-- the only time he hurt me is when i-- when he would l-- there's a lotta falls that go on. i'd leave my arm out, and i'd forget. and he'd land on it. and then, i'd bring it back, and it-it would be a postage stamp. [ laughter ] >> big pancake. but, with mr. t, in the end, i felt that, uh, the-the difficult thing is really-- since "rocky i" and ii-- the fights have been set up, in such a way-- in 'rocky iii?'" >> right. >> so, we decided to really let it loose, you know, last round. and what people will see, from the middle of the last round on, is it's full-fledged. >> it looks well-well done. >> thank you. >> yeah. well done. okay, we'll take a break. mr. martin will join us, shortly. [ applause ] right after this.
okay. i, uh-- i forgot to ask you one thing. uh-- has your picture officially opened, yet, around the country? >> no, it's next friday, the 28th. >> next-next friday. because the gentleman who's coming out-- picture, i think, officially opens today, does it not? [ applause ] yeah. uh. the picture is called "dead men don't wear plaid." [ chuckling ] and here's steve martin. [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheering ] [ laughter ] >> look a little smug?
>> picture opened, today. >> did it? [ cheering ] >> you know the feeling? it'll come. i have no idea how it's doing. it's-- >> yeah. >> i know it's funny. i know they're laughter. >> right. >> but, beyond that, i could care less! [ laughter ] people ask ya how to get into show business, a lot? >> do they? oh, sure! you get that, don'tcha? >> yeah, i get it, but i won't tell 'em. [ laughter ] >> there're too many of us in show business, now. >> that's right. >> we have to weed people out. >> i think people think-- >> yeah. that we won't tell. actually, there is a secret-- i figured this out-- to being a game show host. this is gonna change the f-- >> that what you wanna do? >> no, no. it's not what i wanna do, but i think, if people want to become one-- >> right. >> this is the secret. all you ha-- you don't have to have experience. you don't have to start small, in the business, and work your way up. >> right. >> all you have to do is learn to laugh, when you talk. [ some laughter ] just-- what you're saying doesn't have to be funny. >> right.
"well, we have two contestants, [ chuckling ] so let's play the game!" [ laughter ] [ applause ] "and, okay, who invented the sewing machine?" [ laughter ] >> "we'll be right back, after--" [ laughter ] oh! >> that's right! >> yeah. >> you're absolutely right. you must-- "and how's-how's your mother?" yeah, anything at all. just keep talking. >> yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> ya know, i am really tired of being funny. >> you're tired of being funny? >> funny, all the time. >> yeah. >> ya know? was backstage. i came in, early, and they're dying. the crew is laughter and laughter, but-- >> yeah. >> seems like, out here-- this is the one place where i don't have to be on, all the time. [ laughter ] >> you can just be you. >> yeah. >> yeah.
>> you know, this is the first time-- usually, when you do "the tonight show," you get all excited, and you're really charged up, and, when it's over, you just collapse. and this is the first time i've collapsed in the middle of a show. [ laughter ] i just timed it a little bit wrong. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> woke up a half hour early, this morning. >> yeah, that sets your whole day off. yeah. >> oh, pretty good. oh, what? [ laughter ] >> we, uh-- we had your, uh, writer-- co-writer-- or one o' the writers-- and director on, >> carl reiner. >> mr. reiner. >> yeah. >> said nice things about the movie. >> well, it's-- you know, the mo-- i don't wanna-- >> i know you don't wanna talk about it-- >> see, i don't wanna-- >> 'cause you get embarrassed. >> right. >> let me plug it. [ chuckling ] no. i really did-- >> have you seen it? >> no, no. my brother saw it, at a screening. [ laughter ] and my brother is-- no, no. my brother thinks "rocky" is the worst film he ever saw, so he's really critical, okay? he really, really flipped, over your movie. >> well. >> he did. [ applause ] [ cheering ] and it takes a lotta guts,
>> that's right. >> i think that's good. [ laughter ] >> gimme the five. [ chuckling ] gimme the ten dollars. [ laughter ] >> i haven't seen "rocky iii," but i heard it was great. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> wanna go steady? >> now, my picture, "dead men don't wear plaid--" you said that was good, too, then. >> what'd you bring it in, for? >> yeah. [ mumbling ] >> really? [ laughter ] don't wear boxing gloves?" we'll do a sequel together. >> are you gonna stay, a while, or do you have to really-- just-- no, i mean-- >> he has to go? >> he mentioned, a while ago, he's got a plane, because he's out doin' s-- >> i got a plane to catch. >> oh, sure! [ laughter ] >> sure. [ applause ] the old plane-to-catch ploy. >> the minute i come on-- "oh, i have to leave." [ laughter ] [ some applause ] >> i knew this was gonna happen. i knew it. >> you can go. go ahead. and we won't make fun of you,
[ music ] [ applause ] we're back, talking with steve martin, sylvester stallone. now, i know-- i know this embarrasses you. >> mmm-hmm. >> but i me-- 'cause i remember when y-- we were talking about, uh, "the jerk," or something, and you said, well, money wasn't important. >> no, i don't wanna-- i don't wanna talk about the money. i'll tell ya why. when you make a film, s-- have you noticed i haven't really talked about the movie, tonight? >> that's true. >> because i think it's a disgrace to come on a television show,
and show a clip. [ laughter ] >> really bad. [ applause ] >> see, i make films, for art. >> for art! [ laughter ] >> and i do it, for the fun of it. and, once i see it-- once i see it play, with an audience, i know that it works, i could care less the kind of money the picture makes. >> right. [ phone ringing ] >> that's why i-- excuse me. [ laughter ] yeah. [ applause ] yeah, how'd we do? [ chuckling ] oh, beauty. beauty, beauty, beauty, beauty, beauty! how 'bout buffalo? [ laughter ] that's good! [ laughter ] how's the onesie, in albany? [ some laughter ] beauty. okay, we'll take it back to ya. but-- >> as you were saying. >> i'll tell you what. and, see-- and, also, when you come on, to promote a film, you know the audience knows that you're only gonna show the good side or tell about
and you're not gonna-- even if it does have weak parts-- which it does-- you know, you're not going to-- but the audience thinks, "well, they're just doing the best." so, i thought what i'd do is i would whisper the plot to you. >> ah. >> and, that way, we can talk intelligently about the film, but it won't sound like a hype, to the audience. >> sure. >> okay? >> or-- just very quickly. >> okay. so, anyway... >> yeah? >> the movies... [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah? >> and so, what happened, after that-- >> yeah? >> is another guy comes out-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's funny. >> the funniest thing! 'cause what he does-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] roll the clip! >> roll the clip! >> roll-- [ laughter ] roll that clip! >> roll the clip. [ music ] >> mr. altfeld?
totally housebroken. his name is ramon. he's yours. >> get out, thief. >> i'm not stealing your daughter, mr. altfeld-- just borrowing her, for an important case. >> don't call me and my daughter again. don't try to see her. and don't phone her. >> can i use her underwear to make soup? [ laughter ] >> get out. >> mr. altfeld, it's true that, by helping me, your daughter's life is in danger. she may save hundreds of other lives. you wouldn't stand in the way of that, would you? >> why, certainly, i would. i'd frame you or kill you, if it would protect my daughter. >> and i brought you a puppy. something you never had, as a boy. >> now, get out!
you don't deserve a puppy. >> wait! pick that up. [ laughter ] >> it's all soft and steamy. >> pick that up! [ laughter ] >> you're a sick man, altfeld. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can make me pick up dog dirt, but you can't stop me from seeing jimmy sue. want a puppy? >> i'd love a dog! thank you! >> here's something for you, too. [ laughter ] >> thank you! [ laughter ] [ cheering ]
>> today. >> yeah. >> it opened, today, and, hopefully, it'll be around, for several more days. [ laughter ] >> and "rocky iii" opens, friday, around the country, right? >> next week. >> good. [ cheering] thank you, both, for bein' here. >> thank you. >> sage? nice to have ya here. d'ya enjoy the show? [ chuckling ] uh, next week, we've got suzanne pleschette, johnny mathis, glen campbell, diane carol, uh, danny thomas, uh-- [ music ] lots of other people. thank ya, again. have a nice weekend! [ applause ] [ cheering ]
? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?
you're going to san diego? if i can borrow larry's car. do you want to come with me? i would love to, but i'm supposed to work. that's too bad. my mom thinks the only girls i know are empty-headed playmates. what made her think that? when she met them. anyway, she's always on my case to forget the looks and find a girl with brains.
you are skating on thin ice, jack. jack, janet you'll never guess who i ran into today! chrissy, you left the door open. that's okay. my friend darlene is paying the taxicab driver. you'll never guess in a million years. your friend darlene? how'd you guess? who's darlene? i told you about her. i went to high school with her. remember that girl i told you about who was always so miserable ver thought she'd get anywhere? that was darlene? no, that was me. darlene is the one who told me i had as much brains as anybody else and i better use them or lose them. so what did you do? i listened to her. oh, darlene was always so smart. all the kids in school used to call her einstein. oh, that's wonderful. yeah. she was captain of the debating team
and our class valedictorian. gosh, chrissy, what did she do for fun? she sang in the church choir. she sang in the church choir. i can't wait to meet this one. you're going to meet her real soon because she's going to be staying with us. what?! she's supposed to be in town for a convention but the hotel lost her reservation. so you invited miss einstein to stay here. well, it's only for a few days. it's crowded enough with just the three of us. it's no big deal. she can sleep here on the sofa. chrissy: yeah. the sofa? i won't hear of it. chrissy's friend can stay in my room. oh, hello. who's that? i want you to meet my friends. this is janet and this is jack. how do you do? chrissy, chrissy, chrissy. how come you never told us about darlene? don't listen to him. chrissy talks about you all the time. especially about how you helped her. has she told you how she helped me?
ver would have graduated with honors. i probably never would have cracked a book my whole senior year. what did she do? she stole all my boyfriends. ( laughing ) ( raucous laughing ) could i have my hand back? i'm sorry. i'm getting so forgetful. excuse me. i warned you about jack. come on, chrissy didn't i offer to let darlene use my room? oh, no, i couldn't ask you to do that. well, actually, it's a rather large room so i thought... jack. i thought that i would sleep on our friend, mr. sofa. right there. why don't i go straighten up my room... i mean, your room. see what i mean? yes, but you don't have to worry. he's really quite harmless. yeah, and he's funny. you should see some of the tricks he pulls on us. on second thought
i'll keep that in mind. mm-hmm. isn't she terrific? you're the one who's terrific. why? if i ran into an old high school friend dressed like that-- the gucci bag, romano boots, the dior blouse-- i would be green with envy. and you're not the slightest bit jealous. is that really a gucci bag? ( raucous laughing ) you remember, darlene, if there's anything you want and i'm talking anything at all. jack, you are very kind. kind of nauseating. darlene: is there a telephone here that i could use? oh, yeah. it's right over here. oh, um, is that the only phone? how many do you need? no, chrissy. i think darlene means she'd like a little privacy. let's go heat up some coffee. darlene, i will get the number for you.
nal. oh, i'm sorry. here you go. oops. hang on. low bridge. you got it? yeah. thanks. i'll just... put your suitcase in my... sorry. hello, doris. hi, it's darlene. i can be reached at 555-6350. are there any calls? who? fred jones? how come all the johns are always named jones? yeah. how much? are you kidding? listen, doris, you tell him that if he wants me my price is $100, you got it? great. i'll talk to you later. are you free? what? i just, uh... i just thought you might like to go down to the regal beagle. the regal...? it's our pub. now?
cure for jet lag is a little glass of vino. i don't know, jack. i haven't had a chance to talk to chrissy... you guys will have plenty of time together. we'll be back in 20 minutes. what do you say? well... good. hey, where are you going? uh, darlene wanted to see the regal beagle. well, what about us? you've seen it lots of times. so then... ( coughing ) janet and chrissy asked me to move in with them. and except for a few minor irritations everything's worked out perfectly. oh. and there's nothing going on between you? no, that's one of the irritations. say, darlene, how would you like to drive down to san diego with me tomorrow? san diego? yes. see, it's my mother's birthday and i was wondering... we-we-well. hello there.
. i'm larry jack's best friend, his buddy and his pal. larry, get lost. see what i mean? darlene, this is no friend of mine. don't listen to him, darling. that's darlene. darlene-- what a lovely name. whatever do you do, darlene? don't you think that's a touch personal? you're right. i'll wait until we're alone. hey, larry, knock it off. the bartender just told me this terrific joke. seems this traveling salesman stopped by this farm house... darlene doesn't want to hear any off-color jokes. gotcha. seems this traveling minister stopped by this farm house... larry, will you knock it off? i have to be going anyway. i'm expecting a phone call. and not a moment too soon. listen, darlene, i'll walk you back. oh, no, jack, stay. i can find my way back, really. okay, well, what about san diego tomorrow? oh, um, i'm going to have to let you know. okay. good-bye, larry. no, not good-bye. until we meet again... without jack.
serves you right. move over. san diego, huh? you sure do move fast, pal. larry... hey, look, i know this nice quite rendezvous... will you cool it? she's not that kind of girl. oh. as a matter of fact, she used to sing in a church choir. that's no problem, jack. this place is way out on the beach. no one will hear her. yeah, and all through high school english and my history and my algebra. well, how nice. i helped her with the really important things. yeah? like what? i taught her how to say no. ( phone ringing ) chrissy? chrissy?
fred jones? huh? what do you mean, "what do you get for $100?" hey, is this one of those game show quizzes? yeah... huh? well, what do you expect for $100? what? hey. hey! hey! listen, fred, you're a creep! i think that's for me. hello, fred? yes, this is darlene. no, no, that was a new girl. fred... fred, give me the number of your hotel room and i'll meet you there after the party. fine. i'll see you then. bye.
i didn't mean to shake you up. who, me? why would you shake me up? it's none of my business. then you're not going to tell chrissy? who, me? tell chri... tell chrissy that someone she's been bragging about that she really likes is a... a... a... the matter? can't you even say it? not to chrissy. i don't think she could handle it. mm. but you can. oh, sure! definitely. i mean, you know i feel that, well, you're old enough to know what you're doing so i'm not going to make any moral judgements. thank you. if you want to throw your life down the gutter that's your business. it's just...
any guy? yeah. what do you think i am? a hooker? ( nervous chuckle ) hooker, call girl, what's the difference? hookers don't drive ferraris. oh. oh! oh-ho! you know, though chrissy said that you were real bright. you know, everybody called you einstein? that's right. well, couldn't you have found a better job? i mean, a girl with your brains... ...is smart enough to know where the real money is. i'd love to chat with you longer but i really have to get ready for work. so soon? i was hoping we could talk. i want to hear all about your job. why don't you ask janet? well? well?!
we're out of coffee. i'm going down to furley's to get some. can't you tell me first? no. why? because there's not much to tell because it's not really much of a job. yeah, but what about all those guccis and puccis? well, yes, yes. she does make a lot of money. how? how? uh... huh. well, see, chrissy you know how at big conventions a lot of men and they're lonely and darlene just helps them relax. yeah. she's, uh, kind of a hostess. oh, you mean like an airline stewardess! yeah, like an airline stewardess. she gets around a lot. i mean, she does a lot of traveling. really? oh, really. it's a real hustle. hassle! real big hassle, chrissy.
okay. wow! you look beautiful. you think it's too much, chrissy? not for your job. what? well, janet told me all about it. oh, i didn't think she'd say anything. why? i think what you do is wonderful. you do? yeah! in fact, i'd like to take a try at it myself. what?! i know it would take a while for me to get the hang of it but if you just let me watch you work i know i could do it. um... chrissy, i don't really think it's for you. hey, it can't be any more difficult than what i'm already doing in my own job. you ought to see some of the things my boss asks me to do. especially when we've got out-of-town buyers. i never would have believed it. at least you get paid for it.
chrissy, you sure have changed. haven't we all? ( sighs ) touche. hey, darlene let me go with you tonight. i know i can do it. well, i don't know, chrissy. if you're really serious... i am! i am! let's go, okay? okay. whoa, hey! what's the hurry? we can't talk, jack. we have to go to work. darlene's taking me to the convention. have fun. darlene, are we on for tomorrow? d to it, jack. "yes... and i'm looking forward to it, jack." ( falsetto squeak ): ah! ? i want a girl ? ? just like the girl ? ? who married dear old dad. ? hi, mom! this is jack. no, i wasn't crying, mother.
i'm coming down to see you. yeah, yeah. and i'm bringing someone special. her name is darlene. ( glass breaking ) she's the kind of girl you've always wanted me to bring home. she's a kind of small-town girl very sweet and very... safe? very nice. in fact she's a lot like you. listen, mom. i don't want to sell her to you over the phone. you'll be able to judge her tomorrow. i'll see you later! i gotta go! bye! you mind explaining yourself? was it so important that it couldn't wait? darlene is a hundred-dollar- a-night call girl. i don't care! when a guy's talking to his mother...! a call girl! that's right! she can't be! i mean, miss einstein. so? she's a smart call girl. i don't believe it! believe it, jack. she told me so herself
ready know she's about to find out. what do you mean? she went off to work with darlene! what?! they left two minutes ago! ah! ooh! we have to go get her! wait, janet, wait. what are we getting so excited about? chrissy's not about to do anything crazy. right. she's a sweet, nice, innocent girl which is exactly what those guys at the convention are looking for. you get larry's car, i'll get my purse. let's go. oh... and janet, grab my jacket. larry, just in time. darlene's a call girl. run that by me again. she's a hundred-dollar- a-night call girl. there's no time to explain please, larry. i need your help. gee, i'd love to, jack but i'm down
hi! oh! is anybody here lonely? yeah! yeah! yeah! you, uh... think you can help us out? well, that's what i'm here for. oh, then you're working here tonight. well, yes and no. paid. you're not? no. this is my first time. have some champagne. yeah! thanks. where is she? i don't see her. jack, please. calm down. i am calm! ( yelps ) i, uh... i'm sorry, miss. i seem to have lost my nametag. you don't need a nametag, mr. swackhammer. oh, thank you. follow me. excuse me, miss.
m sorry, but you can't get in without one. you let that guy in. mr. swackhammer? he's chairman of the board. ( slurring ): wonderful party! oh, great, having fun, buddy? just great! how about you? i'm fine. uh, listen why don't we step outside for a breath of fresh air? jack? jack... ( clears throat ) jack! ( nervous chuckle ) what do you know? i didn't leave it upstairs after all. oh, go right in, mr. blake. mr. who? jack, there she is. oh, good. hi, there. hi. can i help you? i'm looking for a girl. you certainly came to the right place. mercy. pardon me, miss but have you seen my wife? no. good! i'll buy you a drink. are you here to have fun or to find chrissy? what? there she is.
ve been waiting to meet you! uh... top vice-president of sales! that's me. and the biggest phony of the bunch! what?! wouldn't even answer my phone calls! now, what the hell happened to that shipment i ordered? shipment? oh, oh! tomorrow your shipment will come in or my name's not... uh... uh, "charlie blake." it better be there. you got it. are you here to make business deals or to save chrissy? cut it out, janet! oh, look! look, jack! there she is! e winner is... room 104. that's my room! ha-ha! let's go. where are we going? nowhere! come here, chrissy. game's over, mister. now, wait a minute, buddy. you're not taking her anywhere. hang on, hang on. hey, it's not for me. mr. swackhammer sent for her. swackhammer?! what are you guys doing here? chrissy, come on! you have to. it's past your bedtime.
i'm sorry we didn't get to see your mother. uh, yeah, well... it's too bad she got bitten by that old flu bug. i though it was arthritis. oh, yeah. well, that's where it bit her-- in her arthritis. janet: darlene darlene, your cab's down there. here you go. don't you think i should wait and say good-bye to chrissy? no. she's going to be gone for a very long time. when she goes shopping, she's off for hours and hours. yeah. hi. my, how time flies. oh, i'm so glad i got to see you before you left. you really have to move into the hotel?
u to know i really had a good time last night. everyone was so friendly. "friendly." isn't she priceless? yes, she is, and she's going to stay that way. ( horn honks ) oh, well. it's time to go. well, good-bye. have a good time at the convention. chrissy... yeah. bye. oh. poor darlene. she does? oh, come on! she may have fooled you two, but she didn't fool me. she didn't? no! she's not really happy doing what she's doing. she's not? well, of course not.
two, three... - is this really supposed to make you feel better? - come on mrs. roper you are doing great. here, here's another one. now walk. there, that wasn't so bad was it? - no, that was easy. - okay girls now our chest exercise. and we must, we must, we must increase our bust! care to join us mister roper? - forget about mister roper he does not believe in doing anything strenuous. - i don't believe in wasting time, all that running and jumping does not get you anywhere. - oh, i don't know about that. jeffrey runs 2 miles every day. - where does he wind up? - right back at our house. - you see, all that exercise doesn't get you anywhere. - mister roper, regular exercise is just a way of
believe everyone should respect their body like a temple. - not stanley. he treats his like a museum. - okay, back to work mrs. roper. [doorbell rings] here is one that will make a new woman out of you. - good, try that one helen. - very funny. - roper, your car is blocking the driveway. i had to push it out of the way. - what? - i just like to know how you ct running. - you're going to have to try a little running yourself. - why? - i didn't put your brke on. - you didn't put my brake... - one, two, three, four. - very good, very good. i'm off to work ann. - you think we look pretty good huh? - no, pretty good, no you look marvelous. of course you're doing it all wrong.
- it doesn't matter, who is going to notice? - you for one. - no, really we would like to know the right way to do it. - yeah. - all right, if you insist. you see ladies it is really quite simple. and follow me ladies. and one, two... arrgh! - i don't know if i can do that. out again. - oh how terrible. [jeffrey groaning] - sometimes it lasts for hours. you can hear him all over the neighborhood. [jeffrey groaning] - what do you do? - i usually go to a movie. - but what do you do now? - i get his pills. - no, no, no you don't, the last time i took those pills i got so spaced out i tried to walk across the neighbors swimming pool.
- i can't move! - sure you can. see! - now i really can't move. - maybe jenny can help. she fixed my neck, remember jenny? - i suppose it couldn't hurt. - that's easy for you to say. - just relax mister brooks. ow, ow, oh, oh... - there, how does it feel? - that's completely better. it actually feels. ow, ow, my neck, my neck. - i'll get his pills. - what's he doing here? - oh, he threw his back out. - good, now i'll throw out the rest of him. - no, you will do nothing of the kind. - helen he pushed our car into the neighbor's lawn. - it doesn't matter, he can't be moved. - is that true? - yeah, he can't even get out of his chair.
- oh that's terrible. [doorbell] - momma! - ethel! - it's helen. - where? - me, i'm helen. - oh yes. - oh stanley, it's momma. isn't that a lovely surprise? - yeah, lovely. - i can only stay a feys - stanley, get momma's bags and pay for the cab and we insist that you stay longer than just a few days. - no dear, i'm only planning to stay in town long enough to see you and your sisters and to make out my will. - your will? - make out your will? sit down mother, make yourself comfortable. i'll go get your bags.
- i've never felt better. - hi again. - oh, you remember jenny? - yes, your oldest. she had your eyes and hubert's chin. - no momma you don't understand, jenny lives with us. - well, why shouldn't she? she's far too young to leave home. oh by the way, i've asked hilda and helen to meet me here. - that's ethel. has five children to take care of. - that's hilda. and it isn't five, it's six. - oh how nice. do you think she will bring stanley with her? - that's freddie. momma, hilda is married to freddie. fertile freddie. how anyone could confuse him with stanley.
stanley, freddie. - what? - shouldn't your wife be here with you? - my wife, no she is going to get some pills. - well it is about time. you should have thought of that three babies ago. - no, no, the pills are for me. - well if you think they are for you no wonder hilda's always pregnant. - no no, arrrgh... - you don't have to bark at me. - here are your bags mother. can i bring you anything else? any coffee? - no thank you. i will get it. i want to give freddie a chance to cool off. - at least let me pour it for you. you know what we ought to put on this wall, that picture of your mother in the gilded frame.
the apartment building. - i just remembered where it got lost. it's in the garage. in front of my dartboard. - ann, don't ever leave me alone here again. - poor baby, you will feel better when you take one of these pills for the pain. - no, i don't want them. i told you what happens to me when i take those things. - but the doctor can't get away. you might have to wait here for a ce - jeffrey! - i'll take four. get me the bottle. - thank you hubert. - it's stanley. stanley brought in your bags. stanley paid your cab fare. stanley sprung for the tip. - yes, and when you see stanley thank him for me. - would you like some cream? - no thank you. - how about some sugar?
money to? - well i haven't made up my mind yet. i want my money to bring happiness. - me too. - i don't want it squandered on lawyers or divorce. - what? - i'm not leaving one cent to any of my daughters who isn't happily married. - but that's not fair. did you miss me sweetheart? - sweetheart? - stanley, have you been drinking? - only the kisses from your lips. you can't be happier than that. - too bad stanley isn't more like you. - how do you feel? - a little better. the pills are starting to work. [doorbell]
howling. - ethel! - helen! hilda's coming. darling! helen, i am so happy to see you. i can't tell you how much i missed you mother. - hilda! - oh hilda, you didn't tell us. - i know, i got tiof - hilda, not again! i think you should get a refund on those pills. - how are you mister brooks? - actually... - mother you and i have got to talk. privately... - i can't move you see i have this severe back problem.
about your will, mommy dearest. - you know stanley, i'm worried. - so am i. i think ethel is going to ace us out of the will. - not about that. i'm worried about momma. i mean, why would she make out a will unless... - come on helen, you know your mother. she's practical. - then you don't think she's really sick? - no she is not sick [doorbell rings] just be our luck shall be around for another 10 or 20 years. - the roper residence? - yes it is. - good, just on time. - hold it. hold it, hold it. hold it! what is this? - hot hors d'oeuvres. cold cuts. - i didn't order this. - no cold cuts?
your mind is beginning to wander. i wanted to have my wake now while i am still alive. so i could enjoy it. - where did you get such a great idea mother? - at my friend sybil wilson's wake. you should've heard the lovely things they said about how nice she looked. she never heard things like that when she was alive. of course she never looked that good when she was alive. - mother just what is it that you're trying to say? things that people have to say about me. i hope you won't be too shy. - well, i for one don't need any excuses to say nice things about my mother. - that's a lovely thing to say. - take my left hand mother it is closer to my heart. - i don't need an excuse either. and you're not even my mother. - that's a lovely thing to say
mother that a daughter could have. - thank you. - and you are an even better mother-in-law. - why you're kind... - you are generous... - you are devoted... - you are wise... - you are, um... - your bill. - oh mother, let me take care of this. - give me that. - what are you doing? - this is my house. - this is my mother. - this is... $385. you're right, this is your mother. - this is the most depss thing i have ever seen. - yes, the way they are eating there will not be any left overs. - i meant this party is morbid. - well it is what momma would have wanted. i mean what she wants. - what mother wants, she doesn't know what she wants. - wasn't this a good idea? - it was a wonderful idea. i
an inspiration to us all. - yes, and i'm sure your wake will be an inspiration too. - it will be for me. - excuse us. stanley, what's the matter with you? - what's the matter with me? do you see the way your sister is buttering up your mother? - i know, it is disgusting. - roper! roper! - the pills made me thirsty. - so? for crying out loud. - hi mister roper.
visiting my son across the way and came over as soon as i heard about mrs. roper's mother. what a tragedy. - pig in a blanket? - oh, no thank you. i thought i might say a few appropriate words to the family. - the family? - about the deceased. - well say them to me. i'm the deceased. - this chicken is delicious. could you give this plate to mister brooks please, thanks. - hi mister brooks. - hi! - would you like a breast or a thigh?
already? - are you trying to tell me that you don't want any of mother's money? - that's right. - i get it. you want her house. if you think that i'm going to stand idly by... - i don't want her house or her money or anything. - is this some sort of a trick? - no it is not a trick. i just don't want a lot of family squabbles. ethel, you're my sister. and i love you and hilda too much to want anything to come between us. - i am so ashamed. here all the time i thought... oh helen, i'll never forget this. you have really opened my eyes. - then you don't want to be in the will either?
ethel. - what? - you must be out of your mind. telling her you do not want to be in your mother's will. would you listen to me? do you mind? - i'm so sorry. - can i drive you somewhere? her condition! - mother! - it takes two to tango honey. - no, i didn't see him drive up behind me. - that's sneaky. and you, you must learn to say no once in a while. and this certainly can't be doing your back any good. - i'm sorry you're a little
- of course not. - oh hilda! what about all the other children? who is responsible for them? - what? oh mother, what a thing... i, i just don't understand you. - poor girl. and she thinks i'm confused. - how about you? can i drop you somewhere. this whole crazy affair? - i love it. - you do? - yes, it's a wonderful idea. - it is? - sure. friends and family gathered here to honor your mother, she's having a blast. what more could you ask? - i'd like to get a peek at that will. - stanley! - you know, it's just like a birthday party. the only thing missing is the presents.
- for ethel, 500 shares of pierce arrow. - that's just marvelous. oh mother i... pierce arrow? mother, they went out of business 50 years ago. this is worthless. - oh no, your father said to hold onto them. and now for helen... - here we go helen. - here is 200 shares of tucker auburn motors. - worthless. - thank you momma. - wait a minute. let me see those. peerless, locamobile, jordan. stoddard dayton. these are worthless. they are all worthless. kissel, trackmobile,
sabrina, it's valentine's day. wear red to the dance. yeah, 'cause no one else will have that idea. sabrina: hey, there's ken. i'll bet he followed you here. stop it. hi, ken. valerie! what do you think? ( valerie giggles ) he loves you. yeah, and that was him asking me to marry him. hey, val, you should get this dress for the dance. that way you'll be ready if, uh... let's see, who might ask you? kenny-poo? this is a great dress. oh, look at the price. ouch. oh, well, my mom's plaid formal has a certain charm.