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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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it's sort of everybody's opinion. you can't really ask advice on this. you have to make up your own mind. i don't think that-- i think you ought to act your age and i just think i look in the mirror and i say, "well, you're old." [ laughter ] "you're old." i don't make a thing of it. and i-- but i don't make a thing of trying to be a kid. >> yeah. >> because i don't think-- and i-- people-- sort of the things that happen to you. you know, you have a belly ache and you can't hear very well. i don't like the people that sit there in a conversation and they-- somebody's talking and then at the end of the talking, they say, "what did you say?"
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and then you -- and guy's going again and he said, "what did you say?" i can stand so much and then i say, "look! get one!" [ laughter ] they work! [ applause ] >> big deal. >> what did you say? [ laughter ] put that in! put that back here! what did you say? were you-- i'm going to wait until you get that. oh, excuse me. [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah. >> let me ask you a question, now. were you reluctant for a while to get that? >> yeah, yeah, of course, that's a natural thing. but i noticed it. around gloria a couple years and i noticed i found that gloria was always
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and she didn't say anything about it-- the thing is, i didn't hear it. >> didn't hear the telephone. >> so i went to a doctor and he said, "well, yeah. how do you know that your hearing is gone?" and i said, "well, i can't hear the telephone bell and my wife has to answer the telephone." he said, "well, get a louder bell on the telephone." [ laughter ] and this worked for a while. >> yeah. >> except, we started waking the neighbors. [ laughter ] >> when it started sounding like big ben, that was too much. >> yeah, so i-- so i cut that out. so i went to a fellow and it's been all right. >> yeah, i understand you have-- and you have given them before-- you have another poem for us. >> well, i have a poem-- you have to explain it a little. >> yeah, it needs a little -- >> gloria and i and our twin daughters, judy and kelly,
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and gloria and i take still picture. we have a lot of them from our trips to africa. and we thought maybe we'd get a moving camera for the twins. >> right. >> and so i got one-- this was quite a while-- but eastman had a thing called super 8. >> oh, yeah. >> eight millimeter film. >> right. >> well, we went to africa and the twins loved it and they really got it with the-- it was good weather and everything. they got a wonderful thing we got up real early to get the sunrise and i couldn't find the movie camera. and finally, judy said, "oh, i'm afraid i left it outside." i had it in a leather case and she left it outside. and the hunters said immediately, "okay, so you left it outside." so we formed a ring around the camp and went through the grass
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was the zipper and a hook on it and the lens was broken off the camera. and there were teeth mark-- it sort of looked like leather on the side-- there were teeth marks on the side. a hyena-- and this made sense because a hyena-- lots of times they wander through the camp and i've heard them brush up against the tent. they sort of go and i really thought i heard one ha ha ha laughing once, but boy-- they don't laugh. >> they don't. >> not when they're going through it. >> yeah. >> anyway-- [ laughter ] anyway, it sort of was-- it was sort of too bad and everybody was sort of quiet around the campfire that night and everything. and i decided to write a poem about it. it rained the next day so i had a chance to sort of sit and write my-- you want to hear it? >> i would love to hear it, yes. >> all right.
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i'm a movie camera. i decided to do it from the point of view of the-- >> of the camera. >> camera. >> good. >> "i'm a movie camera. instamatic is my name. i'm eastman's latest model-- super 8. my claim to fame." >> good. >> "i was on a shelf in westwood when an actor purchased me and took me home to 918 in hills the beverly. i remember well, the oohs and ahs, when out of my box, i ta to the actor's girls if i'm not mistaken. and soon, i comprehended what my mission was to be. i'm to photograph the animals in kenya across the sea. they put me in a leather case of rather old design. i wish it was a new one. but this one will be fine. then one day, i found myself beneath a curious chair. we're on our way to africa and we're flying through the air. a few days in nairobi
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to the jungle camp, which seemed to me quite far. then the action started in jungle all day long. there was lots of picture taking and the light was good and strong. but then there came the highlight in the leopard blind, one day. and kelly took a picture as the leopard stalked its prey. they praise my work in camp that night and i just burst with pride. but if the liked my work so much, why'd they leave me he [ laughter ] a midnight wind came through the case and chilled me to the core. and also, there were noises that i hadn't heard before. and suddenly there was a tug upon the leather case and as wind swept across the campsite, we were dragged across the place. and through the grass, they dragged us a dozen yards or so and then we stopped quite suddenly and waited. i don't know.
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it came once with a snarl. white fangs tore off the case and left me lying in the grass-- this monster soon defaced. and it was indeed a monster and it's yellow eyes did glare with viciousness upon me-- almost more than i can bear. and his slobbering jaw clamped down on me. oh, if i could only shout. and then it picked me up and shook me. and then it spit me out. [ laughter ] judy found me after dawn. there was moisture in the air. i felt sorry as she sadly looked as i was lying there. the actor didn't say much. he just shook his head and frowned as bit by bit, they picked their movie camera off the ground. there wasn't really much to say as you can plainly see. it seems that a hyena tried to make a meal of me.
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i don't know what the future holds. it matters not somehow. i hope the twins will think of me. i hope the thoughts are good. i'm just a movie camera and i did the best i could." [ applause ] [ cheering ] a poem by jimmy stewart. >> thank you. very touching.
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[ music ] to many americans, i think the-- thanks, doc. [ applause ] now, you see to many americans, the coolest and most visible u.s. official throughout the tense iranian crisis was a man very few people had heard of before--
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and he's the former state department chief spokesman. he's now writing a book based on his father-- a pulitzer prize winning editor. he also teaches at the american university-- lectures at leading colleges. and it's a pleasure to welcome him. the man has been called the new voice of america-- hodding carter. hodding! [ music ] it's a pleasure to meet you. i admired you tremendously somewhat difficult days where you had to face that daily-- daily onslaught of the reporters and the wire services. what's the most difficult job when you have to go out and speak for the state department? is it the adversary relationship that the press shows? >> actually, the most difficult part of it is remembering what you're not supposed to say, as opposed to what you're supposed to say. and when you're talking with the questions coming-- remembering that becomes the one overwhelming thing.
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>> you have to. you have to. if they want a spokesman to do a good job-- whomever they may be, they have to let him know more than he can tell. >> right. >> because otherwise, he is going to inadvertently lie or inadvertently make a mistake. >> so you have to self-edit as you go along? >> very carefully. >> are there certain reporters-- some of them are really kind of vitriolic. are there certain reporters that gave you more problems than others? that you felt sometimes, they were trying to put you in a very defensive position? >> i think one time or another, he has got a hold of something and which is really worth pressing you. if he's any good-- >> right. >> he's going to press you anyway. but no, as a matter of fact, in those 3 1/2 years, i don't feel there was any one reporter who had some ax-- >> right. >> that he had for my neck uniquely. i had one, generally, for all spokesman's neck. not just for my neck. and it was a really good relationship, actually. >> when you get a debriefing, most of us know so little about the inner workings of the government. it's kind of giving it--
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>> when you go out there, what you have before you go out is a clear idea-- in my case, the secretary of state. >> right. >> what the major lines are supposed to be. you have, from all over town, actually, guidances, as they call them, which is supposed to set the limits for how you go. >> mmhmm. >> actually, there's no way to anticipate what the 50 reporters are going to ask you. so you go out knowing what you are supposed to say-- thinking you know at what questions they will actually ask you. >> that's a very delicate position, isn't it? >> sometimes. >> to kind of tread that light. >> yeah, it can be. it was also one in which it required, happily what i got, which was several months of no real crisis before you began being pressed. if i had had to go out there the first couple of months, then deal with the subjects i later had-- >> right. >> i think i would've had us, if not into world war iii and the total embarassment right away.
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kind of build up to the major-- major crises. >> the other part of it was the reporters knew they had one ignorant silly hick from mississippi, so they sat there and said, "we'll give him about two months and then we'll kill him." [ laughter ] and that's -- >> you think there always seems to be-- there always seems to be that attitude in government for a while, that when somebody new comes in, they give him what they call the honeymoon and then all of a sudden the honeymoon seems to disappear. whether it's president or a spokesman or any government position. >> if i hadn't had that honeymoon for those few months, i would've been divorced by that secretary no, it's true. and it should be that way, as a matter of fact. if people elect the president to come in and do a certain kind of a job, i think for the moment that's he's in, those first few months, he deserves that time to see what he intends to do to put his program before the people. and then naturally, being in a democratic system-- >> right. >> they start going at you and johnny carson starts talking about you and-- >> yeah, got to keep them on their toes. we'll take a short break.
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we'll get some more
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[ music ] we're talking with hodding carter. one of the things that i admired-- and i think a lot of reporters did too, when you were under the gun. if you didn't have the answer to a question, you used a phrase that you don't hear too much in washington. you'd say, "i don't know." which is not a bad answer if you don't know. because most people are-- skirt around it and do a lot of gobbledygook and say nothing. you'd simply say, "i can't ar >> that would happen to be the truth. which helped a great deal. >> did you ever have something that you knew so, this must be very tough when you're privy to the inner secrets. that you couldn't tell your friends-- it was very difficult for you to sit and talk, thinking that you might say something that you shouldn't? >> every now and then. i don't want to pretend to you that i was one of the walking repositories of top secrets of the government, because i wasn't. but yes, obviously, all the time. there were things that when you went out, you didn't talk about a great deal.
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but not-- yeah, i want to tell you. among the many things i was among the last to know, was the raid in tehran. i wasn't walking around with that secret in the back of my head. >> yeah. >> as a result, i was able to go out, speak to the american newspaper publishers association the day before the raid and assure them, because i believe that no force was going to be used. as i flew back from hawaii from that day, the stewardess walked over, shook me and said, "i'm so sorry." and i said, "so sorry t she said, "the raid." i said, "what raid?" >> oh. >> this was a spokesman for american foreign policy. [ laughter ] >> i suppose, there are certain things that that is a fine line to draw. what should the government tell the public and what should they not tell them. there are certain things, obviously. that the more people know, the less chance you have of keeping a secret-- there have to be secrets. do you feel that the press or the media sometimes presses too hard to find out things that maybe the public should not know?
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there are real secrets that ought to be kept and they must be kept. there is also great body of information that's classified, which is about as important as the fact that i have on a blue tie-- i.e. it has no business being classified. >> right. >> if you threw out about half the classification, you could keep the secrets that are important a lot better. >> right. >> the way things are now, when everything is classified, people believe that none of the classification makes sense. >> yeah, there's no value in anything. >> there's not value in any of it and that's a problem. >> how do you a or the media, generally? do you think-- they should, of course, have that adversary relationship with the government. do you think sometimes they overstep their bounds? >> it's inevitable that there will be times in which the combat, which is sort of written into the constitution, becomes outside the bounds. but i have to tell you again, i would like to sit here and complain and say one of the terrible things in the last four years was an adversary relationship with the press-- that wasn't. they did their job and
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of unfair shots at us. >> right. it balances out fairly well, i guess. >> it really did. >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back. [ applause ] for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk or egfr gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer versus chemotherapy. opdivo works with your immune system. opdivo can cause your immune system to attack normal organs and tissues in your body and affect how they work. this may happen any time during or after treatment has ended, and may become serious and lead to death. see your doctor right away
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[ music ] we wish we had a little more time tonight. it's fascinating. >> it's been great. >> i thank you for coming tonight, hodding. >> thank you. my pleasure. >> jimmy, thank you for coming. the special is "mr. krueger's christmas, " which will b t around the country in syndication. tomorrow night, we have richard pryor will be with us and richard benjamin. have a nice night. [ music ]
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i'm humbled by that applause. - can't believe it. what is wrong with people? - helen, what's the matter? - my wedding dress. it's supposed to have three-quarter length sleeves, and buttons down the back, but it's got cap sleeves and a zipper. my wedding's three weeks away-- - helen, helen, helen, calm down. i just go to my happy place. you know, i imagine that i'm lying on a tropical island, and all my troubles just melt away. don't you have a special place where there are no problems and everybody's always happy? - actually, i do have a place like that. (brady bunch theme music)
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see you after school. - hey, greg, you think you could pick me up from football practice? - i'd like to, peter, but i'm meeting a groovy chick after school for a soda. (laughter) - gee, greg, you always get all the girls. - well, thanks, peter. but the important thing is, i always find time to do my homework. (laughter) - hurry, marcia, we're gonna be late. - coming! 498, 499, 500. ready. - gosh, marcia, you look swell. (laughter) - marcia, marcia, marcia! (laughter) - well, come on, everyone, let's get in the car. - oh, i'm not going with you guys today. i'm ridin' with the captain of the football team. - he's dreamy! - i know. (laughter) (door bell chimes) (laughter) - hi, marcia. - hi, joe. - so, ya ready to split? - far out. - hey, joe, great game last week.
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so, marcia, got a date for the prom? - i do now. (laughter) - marcia, marcia, marcia! everything always works out so great for marcia. (brady bunch theme music) (laughter) - thanks, i do feel better. - good. (soft hubbub) - helen? - yes? - heard about your dress. - oh, joe, that's so sweet! (soft hubbub) - helen, helen, helen! why does everything always work out so great for helen? (laughter) (comedic flourish) (lighthearted music) (knocking) - hey. brian and casey are comin' in any minute. - oh, great, good. hey, lowell, would you mind finishing that outside? - oh, i'm sorry. is this some sorta private meeting?
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, aren't i family? (laughter) - well, actually, no. (laughter) - oh, really. oh, when ya shot me down for a raise last year, you said, and i quote, we are all part of the sandpiper family. what was that all about? - that was about lying straight to your face so i could save three bucks an hour. (laughter) - well, i hope your happy, joe hackett, 'cause you've made me cry. (laughter) - you know, hon, i'm a little nervous about telling them. - oh, it's not gonna be that bad. besides, brian and casey'll get over it. you know, joe, once we're married, there's gonna be a lotta things that we feel uncomfortable about. the important thing is we do them together. - you wanted to see us? - actually, joe did. (laughter) - what's goin' on? - well, okay, here it is. helen and i have decided to move in together. - whoa! (hands smack) wow! (laughter)
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before you get married, and you decide to live together. you so craazy! (laughter) - no, no, stop, no, no. that's not, we were just thinking that if we move in now, then when we get back from the honeymoon, we'll be all settled. - oh, that is so sweet, the two of you starting your lives together. i am so happy for you. - wait, wait, wait. don't you get it? one of us is about to get chucked out on his or her ass. - oh, no, and they wouldn't, it's me isn't it? (laughter) oh, i don't believe this, you can't just throw me out in the cold! y, during the day, is warm and dry, and at night, underneath the pier is a very popular spot. - (laughs) why don't you stay there? - ah, i don't have to, i'm not the statistic. (laughs) - actually, - [brian] (laughing) - brian, we thought casey would move in with you. - hah, hah! huh? (laughter) what makes you think that i would want her livin' at my house? - well, 'cause if ya don't, i'm gonna rent my half of the house to scary mel from the fuel dock. (laughter)
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that thing he keeps in the box, missing mother, casey. (soft laughter) i'll go with scary mel. (laughter) - come on, she's not that bad. - excuse me, you're talking about me like i'm not even here, i mean, i think i have a say in this. - alright, casey, i'll tell ya what, for every dollar you kick in for rent, you get a dollars worth of say. - i'll be outside if you need me. (laughter) - so, what's it gonna be, brian? - "what's it gonna be, brian?" what, like you're givin' me a choice? i'm gonna do it, obviously, and i'm never gonna forgive ya. (door opens) (door slams) - well, it was rough, but we got through it. (laughter) (lighthearted music) - honey, i'm home. (laughter) - oh, then, that's so cute! oh, that's all you brought? - yeah, well, i'll get the rest later, it's a little hard to pack with two people tryin' to hit ya. (laughter)
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na do on our first night together in our house? - oh, let's see, i thought maybe we could... (kisses smacking) (soft laughter) - um, helen, helen? has this chair always been like this? - uh, like what? - it's got grapes all over it. - so? - it's a fruit chair. it's covered with fruit. - and that means? - it's feminine, i mean, no man is gonna buy a chair like this. - oh, sure he would. - oh, come on, helen, no guy's gonna walk into a furniture store and say in fruit! (laughter) - okay, i tell ya what, since fruit is feminine, tomorrow we'll go out and we'll buy a couch that has little pictures of stephen seagal on it. (laughter) okay. if the chair bothers you, we'll lose it. this is our house, and i want you to be happy. - great. and it'll give me more room when i set up my tv. - you gonna, we gonna put a tv in here? - no, i'm gonna come home after a hard day's work, plop down on the couch and stare at that fruit chair.
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cial place to sit and talk, it's not a place to veg-out and watch tv. you know, that's what the bedroom's for. (laughter) - helen, you know what, i'm not sure if this is gonna work. i mean, we should just consider moving into my house. - oh, yeah, that's how i want to start my married life, at delta lambda hackett house. (laughter) trust me, there ain't enough potpourri on this earth to cover that smell. (laughter) - hey, ya only notice it when ya first come in. (laughter) - okay, we can't live at my house, can't live at your house, - well, wait a minute, that's not a bad idea, i mean, if you sold this house and brian bought me outta mine, we'd have enough money, we could get a pretty good place. - we could. alright, let's do that. it's settled. house hunting tomorrow? - great. so, what do you want to do now? - oh, let's see, i'll get an idea. we could go upstairs to the bedroom-- - oh, yeah, the tv's up there! (laughter)
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well, that was a total bust. - where have you two been? - we were out all morning house hunting. - we covered the entire island, came up with absolutely nothing. - nothing, well, helen, that is not exactly true. that last place we saw was great, it had a big, big yard, lots of bedrooms, and the owner was desperate to unload the place. - i told you, i'm not living next to roy. (laughter) according to an article i read in guns & ammo... (laughter) newleds should never live anyplace that either of them have lived before. too much emotional baggage. (laughter) - you read that in guns & ammo? (laughter) - alright, ya caught me, it was ladies' home journal.
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- morning. so, how'd it go last night with brian? - surprisingly well. i had a lovely dinner, and then i read a little, then i just fell right to sleep. (footsteps stomping) - you! (laughter) - what? - you recall sometime around two a.m., a loud banging at the front door? - well, i was sleeping pretty soundly, but now that you mention it, yeah, i remember hearing some noise, i thought it was the wind. - (laughing) oh, the wind. (laughter) i lost my key, let me in you redheaded nightmare? (laughter) - hey guys, isn't that creep lewis? - oh, yeah, you're right. oh, god, let's hope carlton's not coming to meet him. - who's carlton? - his uncle, carlton blanchard. - hey, hey, hey, hey, i think we agreed never to speak that name in my presence. - what's so bad about him? oh, he is the meanest, cruelest, most obnoxious little old man
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who can stand him. - he's the devil. (laughter) - sad news, island people. (soft hubbub) my uncle carlton is dying. (laughs loudly) (laughter) - antonio? - [antonio] yes? i'm sorry, maybe i heard wrong. (laughter) what did you say? - i said my uncle carlton is dying. - (laughs loudly) it's even better the second time. - i came to be by his bedside. the doctors don't think he'll make it through the night. where can i get a candy bar? (laughter) oh, wait a minute! i see somethin' sweet right here. (laughter) - you must hear this a a lot. (makes retching sound) (laughter)
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ter) - so, lewis, about carlton dying? - yeah, the minute he dies, i get everything. the whole kit and caboodle. lots and lots o' stuff. it's a very hard time for me. (laughter) - yeah, i can see that. - well, how can i live around all those reminders of my dear uncle carlton? that's why i've decided to sell it all at low, low prices, (laughter) - wait, wait, wait, what exactly do you mean reminders? - please, while my uncle carlton is clinging to his life? how can i even discuss selling his cherished '68 barracuda, mint condition? (laughter) - '68, that's one of the all-time-great muscles cars! you know, ah, maybe i should just come over later tonight
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me. - i'll bring my checkbook. - that would mean even more. (laughter) - yeah, ya know, maybe i should come over and pay my respects to ol' carlton, too, any chance his estate would include some really nice pieces of furniture? - when sorrow comes, it's hard to remember two credenzas, an armoire, and a biedermeier table that seats 14. (laughter) - oh, i'd kill for a biedermeier. - you won't have to, his pulse is down to 30. (lighthearted music) (soft knocking) - hello, lewis. - hi lewis, we thought we'd come by and pay our respects. - well, i take great comfort in that. - hey, big boy, you break that, ya buyin' it. (laughter) - what's roy doing? oh, my god, he's shopping! now,
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(laughter) - you know, helen, we weren't exactly friends with carlton, but i'm glad we came here today. - yeah, it was the right thing to do. you know, when my time comes, i wouldn't wanna be alone in a big ol' house with high ceilings-- - yeah, it's really sad. - gorgeous woodwork-- - poor guy. - and a fireplace. (laughter) - helen what are you doing? are you checking out this house? - alright, i know, you're right. i'm sorry. alright, we came here to pay our respects, so let's go upstairs and do that. and on our way, if we just happen to measure a few bedrooms, where's the harm? - oh, you know what? i am not jumping on this bandwagon. in my family, we were raised not to cash in on other people's misfortunes. - hey, is carlton dead yet? (laughter) just wanna find out when the car had its last oil change. - would you please show a little respect? - i am.
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why don't you just run over him in his own car and bury him under his solid oak floors? - hey, you could get into trouble for somethin' like that! (laughter) couldn't you? - alright, that's it, i'm outta here! - wait, wait, i don't want you to get the wrong idea! here, look. all i want is for my uncle carlton to get well so he doesn't have to see his beloved home go for not a penny less than that. (laughter) this is terrible, this is definitely in the ball park!
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