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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 11, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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er (cheers and applause) (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you! thank you, everybody!
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(cheers and applause) thank you so much! have a seat, everybody! welcome to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. i was just enjoying my late christmas bloat. it set in later than usual, either that or my suits were september to the cleaners. (laughter) you know, a lot of people want to be president, but little known fact: we still have one. (laughter) and tomorrow night is obama's last big event, the state of our union. and this year, the president's -- (cheers and applause) huge state of the union fans here! and this year's a little different. the president's speech is going to be what his aides are calling "non-traditional." so i assume it's maybe barefoot.
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linen, rolled cuffs, and instead of a state of the union cake, maybe cupcakes. that's fun.and congress is even writing its own vows. "we promise to not do anything you propose for ever and ever." and yesterday, the white house chief of staff said this is going to be, quote, "a big optimistic" speech.*qwell, of course, it's optimistici by they guy who's lea\i (cheers and applause) yeah! he's in a great mood! i feel really great! "my fellow americans, after eight years of getting attacked on all sides, the state of our union is feeling pretty good about next year. the state of our union is really looking forward to curling up in a hammock and getting through a novel without being asked to authorize a drone strike. and the state of our union is going to spend some time with its family. the state of our union is also thinking about getting a convertible! the state of our union has always wanted a convertible and
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our union has earned it.]' in conclusion, the state of our union is... really ready to stop being called a secret muslim hitler. that really doesn't make any sense."xd5ai%9 so that's something to look forward to, and we've got a great show for you tonight. to the very funny jane lynch. (cheers and applause)kolpqu`{k%q&riiwdrastic, yeah. in her new show "angel from hell," she plays a guardian angel. lly, but i actually do believe in jane lynch. (laughter) i'll also be talking to the u.s.nd urban development, julian castro. (cheers and applause)jf
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money and buy a railroad. (laughter)mance by indie w "return to the moon." it's based on the true story of neil armstrong forgetting his keys. (laughter)ing) the reason you are currently dancing is the music of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everyone. we're about to start the show, buthing: a woman in california found a bloody fingertip in her applebee's salad. that's crazy!ebee's and orders a salad?! (band playing)i...
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and a musical performance by el vy!ing jon batiste and "stay human"! now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ptioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you, jon! you, stephen! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you so much! get the big news out of the way: i did not win the powerball this weekend. but you know who really lost the lotto?
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second most lucrative drug empire. -- after pfizer.roin gave you an erection instead of just making you not care. chapo" mexican authorities, six months, after tunneling out of prison it's good they put him on a helicopter. makes the tunneling a little more hazardous. here's the official arrest photo. a lovely choice. (laughter) putting him in strong competition with khaleed sheikh mohammed for worst arrest fashion choice. at least waxed, is what i'll say. (laughter), the unpredictable el chapo had been on the run,
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and to find him, it took another unpredictable man who looks like : sean penn. (laughter) now, sean penn acts likebeen hiding in a jungle more than el chapo. el chapo looks like he's been hiding in a disco for sixr) that's nice. okay. because the day after el chapo's published a secret interview penn had done with el chapo months before that is filled with humanizing details about the misunderstood drug lord. as penn writes:ny of his counterparts who engage in gratuitous kidnapping and murder, el chapo is a businessman first, and only resorts to violence when he himself or his business interests." see? he's a pretty good guy.
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make money off it. penn employed an elaborate series of security measures, including: "tracphones, or burners, one perlevels of encryption, mirroring through blackphones, anonymous e-mail addresses, and unsent messages accessed in draft form." wow.'s elaborate! when i was in college, if you wanted to contact your dealer, you just paged the guy. (laughter)e thinking you could never pull off that level of secrecy without getting tracked. don't worry. sean penn couldn't, either.an law enforcement official says el chapo's secret interview with actor sean penn for rolling stone magazine helped authorities locate his whereabouts.omehow authorities were able to track one of the world's biggest celebrities. note to edward snowden: cancelholas
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(laughter) mm-hmm.d applause) but you can't blame sean pennapture, because a lot of this is on el chapo. as penn explains, "guzman agreed to a meeting because he wanted lucrative life of drug-dealing." yes, his own biopic. presumably starring danny de vito and a large black caterpillar. (laughter) (applause) uh-huh. uh-huh. i believe this arrest only makese el chapo movie will happen. especially once he escapes to direct it. so i want in.l chapo, i've already prepared an audition tape for
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enjoy.hhh! i'm el chapo. i run this mexico. never take me live, coppers. el bango, el tell the d.e.a. chapo stole the millennial facken, for good this time. let's go, chuy!u mean my donkey ate the drugs? i told you to get a droll mule! carumba! nine, ten -- supposed to be 11 heads in the duffle bag! who took tex tray head? donkey! thank you. i'molbert, i live in the new york area, available on weekends and i can drive stick. iand applause)
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pretty dark subject matter, but that does mean we're show-in tolden globe for best comedy next year. we'll be right back with the great jane lynch! (cheers and applause) crawfish shorts i like your style hooked it just a little bit alarm sounds) don't open that cellar door ck starts right here lucky shot. m mm mmmmm video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over
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(cheers and applause) wow! welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is one of in hollywood. she now stars in "angel from hell," right here on cbs. >> so you have been protecting me my whole life?he time you were kicked by the cow, because i also wanted to see what would happen if you pulled its tail. >> if you're an angel, do you are flightless which technically makes us poultry.? to people at apple talk to tim cook? >> what would people be surprised to know about angels.
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to us.t mean? throw me something. whoa! not bad. >> my job is to protect you, and if i miss something, i've failed >> impressive. so you're like an unpaid body guard. >> we don't just guard, we teach lessons. welcome, jane lynch. (cheers and applause) lovely to see you. lovely to see you, stephen. >> stephen: one of my favorite things to do is to stand at the top of a flight of stairs andou get to the top, because i was lucky enough to be
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the night you won the emmy for that was so exciting for me to be the guy to give it to you. >> it was exciting for me because we've known each other a really long time. >> stephen: back in chicago. although inng companies, we were there at the same time. it meant a lot. it was great. i'm very proud of you. you're doing so well. >> stephen: i'm very proud of you. well. >> thank you (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, listen, thank you for stopping by. it was great to see you. >> yes, thank you so much! >> stephen: what are some of your memories of "second city"? >> i remember the smell of stale beer andghting each other. >> stephen: do you remember the floor at second city? because second city was a cabaret theater and had been there since 1959, still isas it carpet org a sticky floor? >> stephen: it was as hard add as concrete and i thought it wasted there for a long time. >> you did? >> stephen: i was a waiter,
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in the box office.orked your way up. >> stephen: i came right you have the rat lines. >> yeah! (laughter) >> stephen: i thought it was concrete until imething on it and there was a little knapp on the wall, but it wa you imagine the germs and bodily fluids from 1959? >> stephen: that's what the bleach was for. >> yes, they just pour bleach >> stephen: you and i now both work for the great cbs corporation. >> we do. >> stephen: one of the nice things, though we work forave to talk about the fact that we -- >> that we work for them. which is the nicest thing. >> stephent to talk about the show? >> no, i don't have to talk about the show at all. >> stephen: we probably should. when is it on?:30 thursdays. and that seems to be enough,
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good. all right. i love this show. i want to talk about it.d love to talk about it. >> stephen: i love the idea of a guardian angel. >> do you think you have one? >> stephen: without a doubt. do you believe in guardian >> i've never seen one, but there are times you're about to do something and something beyond your logical mind will right we're guided. >> stephen: i think i might try some delicious meth! >> wait! hold on!e allergic. >> there you go. >> stephen: what does your guardian angel look like? >> i don't know that i'ven or anything like that, but i will find myself, you know, about to do something and maybe you don't do it, or, i don't know, it'sy, if we can get a little deep right now -- >> stephen: sure, that's what we do here. >> i was newly sober many years ago, and i was and in
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arms go around me. yeah. >> stephen: so, i --his point? >> yes, stephen, i was so alone, and that was part of the pain. >> stephen: oh, wow, that's a very sweet story.en: mine looks like a little -- it's like a kid about this tall and floats behind me about three feet up and threee. >> yeah, i see him. >> stephen: golden light. yeah, the golden light. >> stephen: i'mre certain things i know aren't true but i believe them anyway. it's crazy for me to believe in the guardian angel but i totallyup there. >> i do, too. that's what amy is for allison. >> stephen: allison is the young lady. >> played by maggieen: right. you might say why would an educated, brilliant dermatologist, somebody doing well in life, need a guardianed, she does. i think we all do. >> stephen: your angel is the
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not the usual angel.hael landon or roama downey. >> stephen: she's to teach youing things happen to you. >> she's a bit of a drunk, creme de menthe, a fan of the stephen: do you think there is drink in heaven? a glass of wine in heaven? >> i don't know. but at least for amy, she loves being in human form, and she that is carnal and primitive and dirty and sexy and sugary, she loves the whole human experience and she wants enjoy the whole human experience. >> stephen: but isn't that the message of the devil? >> indeed! >> stephen: are you the devil? i am the devil from heavelay on -- >> stephen: did that just blow your mind? >> it did. we just came up with it. we didn't prep this. >> stephen: what worries me is
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>> that's a tough one. >> stephen: meth diet coke. do you find it sometimes i want nothing more than a diet coke. not water -- >> stephen: i want to point out, there is in no way sponsored by diete will expect a couple of cases when we get home. >> stephen: i better. you're such a busy person, not only do you do theom hell," but you're also a -- >> game show hostess. >> stephen: hollywood gameesday nights on nbc. >> stephen: right. (applause) >> it's a total blast. it's just fun. party. i love throwing parties. i don't necessarily like going to parties. >> stephen: you're well known out in hollywood, everybody. do you go out at night and do the party thing? >> i'm in bed by 6:40 p.m. >> stephen: come on... like a the
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>> i go to a nice restaurant for dinner and i'm there right as they're opening the doors for stephen: 6:40? yeah, i just love getting into bed alone with my two dogs ver alone, your guardian angel is with you. >> holding me tenderly. >> stephen: how do you go to sleep that early? >> i usually don't fall asleepake wake up at 4:00 with nothing to do. >> stephen: we should probably get you out of here before you nod off. this is really late for you now.ly is, yes. >> stephen: jane, thank you so much for being here. >> it is such a thrill to see you. >> stephen: also, you're doing a touring show. sing, a cabaret show. in june, we'll be all over this fine country, but i have a smattering of dates. kateity person, and she was meredith the drunk in the offers, and we do crazy stuff with a five-piece out.
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>> stephen: can i get a little kiss? >> of course! "angel from hell" 930time thursdays, cbs! jane lynch, everybody! we'll be right back!ause) fortifying the adventure-collecting... friend-connector... fortifying the going-places... off-to-the-races...g... you. you're strong. and we're here to help you stay that way. new special k nourish.n flakes with quinoa, apples, almonds and raspberries. new special k nourish.ify. with h&r block for $9.99. na na na? na na na.
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ause)r >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, to our continuing coverage of things that happen in mexico last week. escaped yet? no? all right, just checking. what about sean penn? is he still at large?s lucky to
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because no less an authority than antonio vasquez, mexicani they have those, i think it's a cabinetr position -- predicted at his annual press conference/tarott "authorities will decide to kill el chapo instead of arresting him.warlock's defense, he could be talking about the "next" time el chapo escapes. is he gone yet? lemme know.asn't the headline coming out of his tarot press conference. no! "el warlock mas grande" had ahat means it comes with cream cheese. (laughter)k mas grande" had a startling prediction about the u.s. presidential election. and notably, a mexican grand
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election. and i paid attention, because this grand warlock "was right presidential election, and mexico's triumph over cameroon" and he predicted hugo chavez's the grand warlock correctly predicted hugo chavez's death -- armed with only the knowledge that chavez had cancer and a severe respiratory infection.nd warlock looked at his tarot cards and predicted: "two triangles of spades!e the republican candidate. the man has countless problems. and see, here is the devil himself!" that's that is right! (cheers and applause) grand warlock says donald trump won't be the republican nominee. and this tarot card reading must
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why else would a mexican havesay about donald trump? and there's more! "and there's more! i'm certain that in december, trump will fall into a nervous crisis and will probably have to be sent to a psychiatric hospital." ladies and gentlemen... if the warlock is right, trump will soon be surrounded byple. and this time not because he's hosting "celebrity apprentice."y, but as good as he is, i don't believe a mexican grand warlock should be weighing in on our presidential candidates. warlock.
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(audience chanting) yes! (doorbell ringing) (laughter): my apologies. took a warlock a little while to get in touch with his spiritoorbell ringing) (doorbell ringing) (laughter) yes, i am the american grand warlock. i not only dabble in the arts, but i also dabble in the dark "crafts". look, it's the devil's name in -- macaroooooni! ooh! oh, yes! oh, yes!er will put this on her refrigerator and she'll never have the heart to throw it awayyyyy! and when she dies, the devil will find it and say "look what she kept.."
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so let me consult my tarot cards -- a little tarot music, please, anyone. the spirit world predicts for the 2016 presidential candidates. the six of wands!failing to get the nomination, gov. chris christie will leave politics and work in a bowling alley where he can close lanes whenever he wants. (laughter)s and applause)h! spirit world is angry at my beard strap. (laughter)
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oh, oh!card of blockbusting! someone crack a window. (laughter)ng the rapture, mike huckabee will raise his arms to the heavens, screaming, "god, take me now!"ong awkward silence during which god will pretend to look at his cellphone. (laughter) oh, oh! the dreaded $15 itunes gift card! always a bad omen. it means the spirit world put no thought into your gift.at a cyborg h.p. three-in-one printer fax machine will be sent back from the
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fiorina. ahh.tephen: no! baltic avenue! (laughter) i see, through the mist -- i mist -- (laughter) in a bid to get more ratings, c.n.n. will host a debate monkeys wearing donald trump masks. (laughter) oh, yes, what are the spirits oh, yes, what are the spirits telling me now... hendersons" trading card! i want to take a moment to say these actually exist, harry and the hendersons tradinge) they have the story of harry and the hendersons on the back. when this film was released, evidently they were so sure people were going to wanty're not collectibles, they're trading cards.
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barter system, an economy based of harry henderson. oh! in orderhis home state of florida, a shirtless marco rubio will smoke bath salts and have a chain fight in a waffle house. what's ooh, my cbs i.d. badge! this is only mean that stephen colbert will be forced to go to a commewith julian castro. (cheers and applause) no! no! hello, nice to meet you. melda. i'm john. we invited you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all t so, what do you think it is? i would say lexus. maybe acura. feels like a bmw. let's look at the interior. de of my friend's lexus.
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siri, open maps. nice. wow.e. someone really took their time laying this out. yeah. this car also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seatbelts are buckled.nd could use that. i'm very curious what it is. what price range would you put this car in?ive. the eighty-thousand dollar bracket. well, what if i told you this is the 2016 chevy malibu? this is a malibu?heck it out. no way, it's a chevy! oh, wow. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. \ gasp! what? oh wow.pressed. yeah. i mean with all this technology? that's a game changer, really. i want one. i'll take the house, too. rd work... time in the service... community college... it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant workperience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. a single connection.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the secretary of the u.s. department of housing and urban development. please welcome julian castro!"n (cheers and applause) {_iw'p: all right, sir, the last time we met, you were the mayor ofiic
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>> stephen:retary. what is the nicest thing about being in the cabinet? do you get to go to the state of3oirow night or are you thex'dtuk theyr there if something terrible happens? are you the continuity if the worst happens or can{_ you go to the speech?it to go to the speech. >> stephen: who getsiso3 sequesterserred? >> that's thei designated survivor and we won't find out stephen: and that person is not allowed to drink during the speech? >> i hope not. >> stephen: you won't know till the last minute. >> stephen: so it could be youw >> they've already told him her. i hope. because what if they didn't show up to work or something?when the obama cabinet doesn't show to work? >> stephen: i'm taking a personal day, the country will understand.>> stephen: fair amount of the republican candidates say you're on the list, get rid of hud.
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to disappear tomorrow? a great example. >> stephen: we'll see if it's great. we'll see if it's great. (laughter) >> i was in san diego a few i met a veteran who had once been homeless, who now bought and rents{_3v/ out parmri>ok are homeless,*e# feet. >> stephen: he can do that without you. >> one of the reasons he's able to do that is because, between 2010 and 2015, we saw veteranss{_ai decline_ii by 36% largely because of hud funding tor{_ local communitiesxdd(cheers and applause) >> stephen: i just saw the big short. i just saw the bigi short. what happened to all thoselosed% is hud involved at all with those houses that were foreclosed on? >> we were involved in trying to get homeowners so be able to
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in fact, one ofss stories of the administration is that over the last few years, through hud's work, through the treasure's work, we were able to than a million folks kept their home either through modifications, refinancing. we invested in the neighborhoodrogram, n.s.p., that helped revitalize neighborhoods, so there are a lot of folks out there, whether in florida, nevada, or, that are in their homes because of the assistance that they got. >> stephen: now, you are not running for anything right now, am not. >> stephen: you sound a little bit like you're running for something right now. >> it's hard to get it out of your system.: you're a very good politician, so is your brother joaquin. you are twins. other? does he ever show up to the
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a dayoff, this day off youl the time? >> i don't think i could stand five minutes in congress. he says aim minute uglier thantephen: he's the younger brother? >> he is. we cannot impersonate each other because he said everybody woul because i'm so much uglier than he is. >> stephen: that's spoken like a true brother. >> yes. >> stephen: someone who finds certain level is hillary clinton because she has floated your name when asked if she got the nomination she consider as president, she said, well, certainly julian castro would be someone we would consider, and there are rumors you'resident training camp. what does that involve other than staying awake behind someone giving state of the union address? (laughter)
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asked or is there any likelihood or new truth to the rumorsproach you on a scale of one to stephen that's flattering to even be mentioned but i have tob i'm doing right now? >> stephen, it's flattering to even be mentioned, but i've got to concentrate on the job that>> stephen: so she asked. she's already talked to you about it. (applause) >> no, not at all. not at you understand you are of hispanic origin but you're second generation. you didn't grow up speaking not. i grew up postally with my mother and grandmother. my grandmother would speak spanish around the the home but i never becameen: are you taking lessons because if you were to, say, run for a national office, it might be nice to speak a little spanish on the campaigndo you want to do a little flash
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>> why not?library. >> stephen: right. the heart. >> stephen: right, exactly. you are the v:, i'm sorry, it says "i am the vice president." you've got to work on that one. >> i got that wrong. it's the spanish i'm still >> stephen: yeah you really do. you really do. (laughter) julian castro, thank you so much for being here. secretary development, julian castro, everybody! who knows what he'll do next! we'll be right back! cheerpdause) to those who deliver dinner... and get dinner delivered. to those caked in flour... in dust... even covered in lava. to those who are up all night... night. to all the beautiful
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rform "return to the moon" off their album of the same name, ladies and gentlemen, el vy. >> scratched a ticket with a leg of a cricket
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twin at the family firing range.e up inside another man's head nobody noticed.senator's a fighter don't tell me nothing's changed. i'm dying. moon please. >> bought a saltwater fish from a colorblind witchoved it. couldn't tell her the part
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but it loved me.d i think you're getting too far from your family's house to find it.you're running away and i touch you you freeze. i'm dying. please. i'm dying. please.
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don't make me wait for yourk. don't make me wait for you. wish i could have been there when you were driving away for californiaf you've got to go somewhere then you better go somewhere far.k i could ever go on without you i'm not a genius. cool in the backseat of your car. i'm dying.
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i'm dying.n please. >> don't make me wait for youpark. don't make me wait for you at the serpentine wall. (cheers and applause): their debut album is called "return to the moon!" el vy, everyone! we'll be right back with another
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be the star of "brooklyn", saoirse ronan, yelp ceo, jeremy stoppelman, directors of "making a murderer", laura ricciardi and moira demmos, and a musical performace by james bay. we go, in honor of the great david bowie, a special performance by our musical
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let's dance,red shoes and dance the blues let's dance,g they're playin' on the radio let's sway,ts up your face let's sway, to an
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