tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) thanks so much for being here, everybody! thank you! thank you very much! i don't know if you're happy to be here or just clapping to keep warm! i'm stephen colbert. and i am a huge fan of science. it's given us the moon landing , the polio vaccine, heated car seats, you know? (applause) mine has six settings on it. i keep it down to two because i like to cook my ass low and slow. (laughter) (applause) by the time i get home at night, it's falling right off the bones. don't even need a fork.
a potato, couple of carrots, amazing. bottle of wine, set for the weekend. but every once in a while, science can be a real buzzkill. just ask pluto, which used to be a planet, or cocaine, which used to be a medicine. the latest thing being ruined by science? spiderman. (audience reacts) i'm going to pretend you're more upset than that. let me try it again. it's spiderman! (audience reacts) yeah, i thought you would be upset. because a new study from cambridge university says that according to their calculations, spiderman should not be able to climb walls. (audience reacts) yeah! yeah. yeah. boo! boo! now, i'm not questioning these scientists' credentials -- i think they're the ones who tried
be a broadway show. but... we didn't listen! (applause) but no wall-climbing? that's one of the main things he does! without that, he just shoots goo and is radioactively guilty about his uncle. according to the study, the largest animal capable of wall climbing is the gecko.kirsten dunst wants to kiss one of those upside down. i mean, that's a lot of tongue., that's what they say. they catch flies with their tongue, see. s the case so obviously spiderman will some of the things a spider can climbing walls, that's in other things, jury's out oh well
(cheers and applause)ate show sense is tingling, because we've got a super show for you tonight. (cheers and applause)ank you very much! first, i'll be talking to new golden globe winner christian slater. (cheers and applause)e fella. he stars in "mr. robot," a show about hackers trying to take down big corporations.etwork... until hackers decide it doesn't. (laughter) then i'll be sitting down with "how i met your mother's" josh radnor. his new show "mercy street," he plays a civil war doctor.
an arm and a leg. (laughter)e a musical performance from punk icon iggy pop. (cheers and applause) so we're gonna find out if cbs censors male nipples. (laughter) (applause) oh, your ears do not deceive you.ue) that is jon batiste and stay human. say hello, everyone! (cheers and applause)e about to get it started, but before they do, one more thing: jamie foxx rescued a man from a burning car this week. so if you're looking for a way t how committed you are. ht...
you know who said that? i don't.eans i'm a genius. this is "stephen colbert's hot takes!" (cheers and applause)ople love hot takes. it's a fan favorite! (cheers and applause) first, the hot takes promise:ents i made before i learned the facts -- and then once i learned the facts, didn't change my judgment.n i saw this graphic and decided it looked like a flaming meteor and not something you set on fire in a bag and leave on an enemy's porch.ake: "sesame street." i've always been a fan of "sesame street." it taught me so much. w to make friends with angry men in dumpsters. but sadly, i can no longer tellet to
moved.you by the letters h, b, and o. not surprised.en full-frontal nude. (laughter) you have to look closely, but it's all there.esame street" had to move. sesame streeoss for a number of years, in part due to a "dip in licensing revenue from toy makers and dvd sales." at one point, it got so bad that tickle-me elmo had to change his name to "do-anything-to-me-for-twenty- dollars elmo." (applause) sad. tough city. (laughter) and "sesame street" has changed more than its address. it got gentrified.grouch has ditched the trash can for a compost bin. big bird has a big tree house
what's next?onster's gluten-free? bert and ernie adopt senegalese twins? will the count finally seek treatment for his o.c.d.? displaced desire to control my life! mwa ha ha! one! no! two! stop me! three!s!" my hot take? i don't like it!sorry, "sesame street" -- i never thought i'd say this, but after 45 years, i'm going to stop watching. from now on, i'm gonna learn my colors from "orange is the new black." next hot take: nature. i love the outdoors. but lately nature has gotten downright weird. according to the u.s. geological survey, "85% of male smallmouth bass in waters in and around nationale northeast have developed eggs
that doesn't seem right.a smallmouth bass that feels that you were born with fish eggs where your testes should be, in which case, i support your journey. (applause) as deer hunter shot what he thought was an eight-point buck, but was actually so much more. >> independence county man bags . or at least, that's what it looked like on the outside. >> he hunted down an unusual doe, with antlers. >> didn't have the male parts. they were female parts.
he means the doe's antlers. though given what's been going on, it's only a matter of time. by the way -- (laughter) by the way -- actually, very attractive. no denying it. by the way, the man who bagged "danny beaver." (laughter) (applause) and here's the- very late we heard the name danny beaver and i said, well, obviously, we have to make this graphic to represent that man. and then when we saw the footage
what the guy looks like and it's not this, so i said we have to the guy as the man beaver, and i said, no, you have to show it to people. (applause) i were named danny beaver, i wouldn't want to look like this. maybe this is what he looks like under a full moon. maybe he's a were-beaver. my hot take? i not like!going on? is god drunk again? last time that happened, we got the red-lipped batfish. remember this, god? now, according to scientists, the likely reason for theseis endocrine disrupting chemicals such as herbicides, fungicides,
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.irst guest tonight just won a golden globe and a critic's choice award for his role as the mysterious leader of a clandestine group of computer >> when you come right down to it at its core, every choice is zero. you either do something or you don't. you walk out that door, you decided to do nothing. no, which means you do not come back. you leave, you are no longer a part of this. you become a zero.
(applause) ask about the golden globe's? >> not at all. >> stephen: they don't nominate shows like this -- and (laughter) the funniest thing in the night,ould be one adult in the room. is it a fun evening? >> yes. >> stephen: when you win, obviously. >> that definitely helps. but, no, people go.g it too seriously. it's likely fun. they kind of let their hair down. >> stephen: are you sit on a fun table? >> i was sitting withlek and the creator of the show. it was the "mr. robot" table, i guess. >> stephen: was it an enormous surprise to you that you won? mean, you know... (laughter) you never know how those things are going to go, so i had -- you know, i worked a little bit on anecause i thought -- i didn't want to be
is all hysterical. so i figured least do that and also let me work on my loser face, you know. >> stephen: can i see your loser face? >> oh, of course. (applause) >> stephen: that's way more emotion than losers usually show. face. say and the winner is -- >> and the winner is jimmy jimmyaughter) >> smile and get through it. the camera's off, out to the car. (laughter) you had a nice moment are harrison ford. why did you moment on stage? >> i was sitting at the table
win because it was a round table, they put me up against the wall, so i had a wall behind of desserts right next to me. >> stephen: you were pinned in. it was let's give slater that seat, he's not getting up anyway. (laughter) yeah, so they said my name and iy, wow, great. and i got up and made the approach to the stage and you have to weave through all the around and the first person i made eye contact with was harrison ford. so i'm, like, hi,n... wow. so the whole thing was surreal and wonderful. >> stephen: well, congratulations again. (applause) so you are theu are "mr. robot." you're the leader of this
information becoming public. as somebody who grew up, you were a child star.he public eye. do you think the rest of us are babies worrying about our privacy because everything was known about me?y much an open book. but, look, nowadays, everybody is sort of under a microscope so much more today than back in the '80s and '90s when i was (laughter) >> stephen: yeah, mm-hmm. that's weird to say. >> stephen: yeah. we had to fax each other naked pictures of ourselves. >> exactly! yeah, that rugged tone you would hear on the computer... i remember just waiting. >> stephen: are you a technical well, after doing the show, i've gotten a little more technical, but when we were making the show, there were all these terms and technology stuff idea what was going on.
o i relied a lot on wikipedia and google and i looked up terms and the firsto do was eight page scene we shot at coneyplause) yeah. >> stephen: we ship in people from coney island every night just for local color. he best. a great ride. a wonderful place. but, yeah, so we had the scene, and all these technical terms, and i wanted to impress my extensive knowledge, so i memorized all these terms. because it's an ever evolving to shooting the scene, every term i had learned was completely outdated. >> stephen: within writing andithin three days. no less than edward snowden praised the show for being more this normally are. >> yeah, however you feel about him, the guy does know something about hacking. >> stephen: he does.
accurate? >> well, sam ishmel, the and snowden said he was impressed how accurate and current it was. >> stephen: thanks for being on the show. "mr. robot." >> thank you >> stephen: the ot" is streaming now. christian slater everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) grooves are the perfect union of a cheez-it and a chip. you mean like they got married? umm... i guess... you'd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. oh, it's a lab coat so...e's getting married! bam bam ba bam. oh, i'm not. we take time for our
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heating up. can you feeliowa caucuses are just 11 days away, which means we're talking about iowa for another four years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen:miss you, iowa! and with iowa just around the corner, latest polls show donald trump in the lead. (audience booing)u know what? i like him, too. (laughter) to get used to him. but to seal the deal he needs evangelical voters.o liberty university-- the largest evangelical college in the world, and wooed the crowd by praising their favorite book.ers, like "the art of the deal" -- everybody read the-- who has read "the art of the deal" in
everybody. say, a deep, deep second to the bible. the bible is the best. the bible -- the bible blows it away.e blows it away. it goes bible, then "art of the deal", then like "fifty shades of grey." they're all good. all good books. trump loves the bible so much, he doesn't even need to read it, apparently.e trouble with the name of one of the books of the bible, second corinthians. >> i hear this is a major theme right here. right, two corinthians 3:17. that's the whole ball game. "whereright? "where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty." is that the one? is that the one you like?: yeah! that is the one they like!
>> jon: yeah, i do. you ever hear anyone call it "two corinthians?" >> jon: never in my lwhat is it called? >> jon: second corinthians.at's right, second corinthians. that's like saying the book of job.ans come in to our country and steal our book of jobs." (laughter)xpress didn't stop there, because while he was at liberty university, trump sat down with the christian broadcast network's david brody, tough questions. >> i'm curious, have you cried before? >> no, i'm not a big crier. i'm not a big crier. i'm not somebody that goes around crying a lot. that. i know plenty of people that cry.
but i have not been a big crier.g crier. nothing can make him cry. not when bambi's mother gets shot. ls where the grandpa has to go live with his daughter, and the granddaughter lays out all his favorite kinds of cheerios. (crying) not the end of "homeward bound: the incredible journey," when the old dog "shadow" falls in the hole and breaks his leg, sod the other dog says "come on shadow, you can do it, don't lie down, shadow! don't lie down!" (audience reacts) the pointr) real men don't cry, and donald trump is a real man. how do we le. >> at the trump museum he got endorsed by the late actor's daughter. >> if john wayne were around heing by me. >> john wayne would be proud of
it's an honor and we love johnen: that's right with his new-found spirituality, trump has reached with his golden hand through the veil of death and dragged back theent of john wayne. the duke, the toughest man not alive! wasn't really john wayne. it was john wayne's daughter in front of a wax statue of john wayne and what appears to be adonald trump. (laughter) but for anyone out there who doubts this endorsement, consider this -- if john wayne were alive, he would be an-old white guy and that sounds like a trump voter to me. (applause) we'll be right back with josh
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>> my point being, i know more of these than you do. from wrong, and i can tell when i'm talking to somebody who also knows the difference. >> you want to challenge me onot our concern. >> isn't it? no, we keep men alive. so what i am asking -- you see every soldier as equal no matter what side he fights on. >> this is a union facility for union a hospital for sick people! ease welcome josh radnor. (cheers and applause) >> wow! i love what you've done with the place. >> stephen: do you love it? brightened it up a
>> stephen: good to see you. thanks for having me. >> stephen: in "mercy street,"ar doctor, which side in. >> well, i'm a union loyalist from a slave-holding family. so it's complicated. >> stephen: which side do you come down on that war, the right >> i do, i do. nothing against our southern right. >> stephen: just wanted to (laughter) what is in your doctor's bag? saws and -- >> bone saws, people have an issue with the morphine. >> stephen: delicious. morphine? you take one, too. heroin to get people off morphine. >> stephen: rot worked throughout history. (laughter) >> stephen: how do you train to be a doctor?
i talked to some people. (laughter) >> stephen: what are the sort of things you had to learn about being a doctor back then? it reallying off legs. >> it's not like four years in medical school and four years in tell you in ten minutes what they knew. >> stephen: what did it take to be a doctor then? doctor around for a few months and then he said, congrats, you're a you would hear some lectures and they would say, congrats you're a doctor! it wasn't even prestigious. my character brought shame to being a doctor which is not how it is today. >> stephen: no. did anyone in your family want you to become a doctor? my father was a doctor. >> stephen: my father was a doctor but i don't have the science for it. >> i don't either.
science for it? >> i can approximate.ngs about medicine on the show and i always do this with my hand. >> stephen: i'm good at like it. >> you have a couple of bone sauce, a few drugs, that's it. >> stephen: that's when men were men and dead at 32.ht! >> stephen: actually, you gave a ted talk -- >> a no -- >> stephen: a india and it was about spirituality and the way you wanted to use your career to growat does that mean and why does it sound like you're starting a cult? >> because i am. (laughter)he midwest, so i didn't want to come out and be a hollywood, you know, the cliche of that. >> stephen: what is the cliche
kind of loses touch with reality. >> stephen: oh, hollywood people. i thought you meant midwestern >> no, that's "come on in, we made enough for everyone!" the spirituality is, there'sr) just kind of remembering where you came from. >> stephen: where in the midwest, specifically? stephen: why, oh, why did you ever leave ohio? >> because i had to come out for show business. been doing this since you were a child? >> no, i started acting in high school musicals when i was in highphen: very important. you try to act in high school musicals afterward you will get arrested. >> that'sen: josh, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you.
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joshua homme!) iggy, josh, thanks for being performing and first released your album in '69. josh people know you from the age. (cheers and applause) how did you get together? your new album called "post pop depression," no one even knew about it till right now. this is thehe project happened. (cheers and applause) secret. how did you get together? how did it start? >> i proposed to him by text from my flip phone. >> stephen: what did you say? iaid -- it's called a rugby because you can drop it and it doesn't break. >> stephen: you just said let's do an album? thought maybe we could write something and record it.
and neither did he. >> stephen: uh-huh. o for me it was, like, don't box it and for shhh! keep it secret. >> stephen: keep it secret, keep it safe. >> we corresponded by text and prose poem for a stephen: that's nice. i write poetry. >> stephen: i know. it's a wonderful way to get to know somebody,>> stephen: send poetry? you should try it. >> stephen: i did. we got married. how did you keep it secret? >> joshua tree. >> stephen: thank you, that's how many people live there.keep a secret when there's no one there to tell. it's lovely because you have a chance to sort of make mistakes and figure things out and find when you make a record, nobody
kind of making it for each other and you're kind of there toe each other. >> stephen: how long did it take? >> i don't know, i wasn't -- (laughter) three weeks.ter that he did a lot of work making it better through string players. >> stephen: were you living out what's iggy like as a roommate? >> it's a wonderful experience to have iggy as a roommate.you know, i'm such a huge fan, and to be a huge fan of iggy and see him in the morning in a kimonor) >> stephen: that is more clothing than is usually associated with him. to leave something to the imagination,
>> before i made the trip, my wife was worried about that sot me some pa jam mas. she said, you don't want people there seeing you walkinglike footy pa footy pajama? yeah, and french long johns as well. she chose them. those with gene, the guitar player, so we bonded. he got into my longr) >> stephen: you're often called the godfather of punk. (cheers and applause) that word gets thrown around very casually. punk, punk rock. >> yeah, boy. >> stephen: what do you think it is, or by asking the never understand? >> at this point i will say,
charles bronson movies wheree out all the bad guys? the bad guys were alldy wrote, make 'em punks. in new york city, bad guys are not skinny, they're burly. you have to be burly to be a bad guy. like punks are a lot of people that just kind of got a bad rap, you know, and couldn't fit in too iggy, you invented crowd surfing. when's the last time you did last year. (cheers and applause) i don't do it as much as. >> stephen: don't do much? >> no, because i'm all like rubber bands. >> stephen: well, don't snap >> no, here. stick around for a performance by iggy pop.
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