tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
boom! welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) you can feel it. >> jon: it's hot. you can feel it. you can feel it! >> stephen: thank you, so much. thanks, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. welcome to "the late show." thank you so much. thank you. i'm not sure, i think we might be serving alcohol to the balcony tonight. i'm not entirely sure. you can feel the excitement in the air right now, can't you, jon? >> jon: oh, man. it's intense. >> stephen: and we all know why everybody is excited because
the iowa caucus, and i have election fever. i think that's what it is. every time i think about the candidates, i get a little queasy. i think it's a fever. and with time running out, all the candidates are cranking out the ads. donald trump has a new one. so now you can hear about trump during commercials-- the
last part of t.v. that wasn't about him before. and one ad that really caught my attention is this one from bernie sanders. take a look. we'll marry our fortunes together. i've got some real estate here in my bank. counting the cars on the new jersey turnpike. we've all come to look for america
all come to look for america ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: tune him up! tune him up! >> stephen: that is a blatant attempt to manipulate our emotions. (choking up) and it worked!t go wrong with simon and garfunkel. they have the great lyrics. they've all come to look for america.k contrast with donald trump's
message on immigration: >> they've all come to look fort out! the call's coming from inside america! get out. senator sanders is looking ton of voters, and nothing says youth vote like a song from 1965. ( laughter ) and no matter what your political leaning, you've got to love that song.
of us together. of us but garfunkel. don't even try. but paul simon's got a hugengs. his music, i think, could work for any candidate. would love to see governor chris christie put out an ad with "bridge over troubled waters." ( cheers and applause )isn't getting a lot of news coverage these days. "the sound of silence" would be fitting.t rand paul, who's polling below 2%, probably "homeward bound." and donald trump? i'm going to say, "diamonds on the soles of his shoes." no, wait.about "fifty ways to leave your lover."
wait a second. "still crazy after all these years?" >> jon: that's a goodtephen: one of those. definitely not "me and julio down by the school yard.d luck to all the candidates. this is the home stretch. we've got a great show for you tonight here in the edr. my first guest is tony- and emmy-winning actor laurence fishburne. a really big guy. things, including "the matrix,," of course. he's very famous for that. a red pill and a blue pill. and no matter which one he takes, he'll enjoy it, because they're both skittles. ( laughter ) museum of natural history, i'll sit down with dr. michael novacek. he's here to talk about their
ever found. but you know what they say: ( cheers and applause ) but you whant they say-- it's not the size. it's how you display it. then we'll have a perforet dive. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: magnificent.ff their upcoming album "side pony." which reminds me. never let your main pony find out about your side pony. ( laughter ) ( band playing ) oh, hey! i. that is the tink ling joy of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! they are about to make the jump to jazzerspace, but before they
scientists at the university of tokyo have grown a functioningof a rat. but before you say, "that's disgusting," remember, it can hear you! lcomes laurence fishburne. ontologist dr. michael novacek. plus a musical performance by lake street dive. featuring jon batiste and stay human. now it's time for "the late
lause ) n: a little trail-off. that's very nice, jon. thank you very much. ( cheers and app: as i said, we're we were talking before, you can feel the energy in the room. you can feel the wave of popularction rising behind you, because we are only six days away from the voting in iowa, which means this is the last week cbs will let me sayn the air. ( laughter ) caucus. i'm a child. and last night in des moines, the democrats did something wehem on a week night. and it wasn't some boring
it was a town hall.the average working iowanians, they each made a great case why the next president of the united states should be, really, any one of them.hillary clinton, and i respect hillary clinton. >> i obviously respect senator sanders greatly. >> i'm honored to be able to offer my candidacy in thenton and senator sanders. >> hillary clinton is a very good person. martin o'malley is a very decent guy. >> stephen: wow. ( laughter )m, guys. ( laughter ) they are really trying to get every last vote, including each other's. the only ones being ruthlessly nice. the audience of iowa voterso ask the tough questions, didn't show up. but these friendly folks did. >> i think you've introduced a lot of progrt of people. my question is, realistically,
>> good. >> i'd like to know what issue you think should be most important to young voters and why. >> thank you. >> madam secretary, before i ask my question, i have a quick comment, and that is that i was a lukewarm person for you before the benghazi hearings. hours, every second of it, and came away from that a gung ho supporter of yours. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you.id eventually get to his question, which was, "secretary clinton, why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) the thing about town halls is there's no conflict, and you don't really learn anything new. but i think it's great.see them get out from behind their podiums. it really humanizes them. make myself seem human.
you're raising your hand. did you have a question? >> yes, stephen. rapids. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> i was just wondering, are you also willing to take questions from your audience?'s a great question from you, a true hero. thank you. it's an honor to answer your question. am answering a question right now. and i want everyone here to the vision and leadership to take further questions. yes, you, sir, with-- is it aat you have? yes, you. >> hi, stephen -- >> yes, it's very hard to talk with a beard that fuzzy. i question? or perhaps your beard has a question? i'm a netflix subscriber from
do you think martin o'malley was asked any unfair questions? and do you have any jokes about it?k you very much. that's a perfect question and i love you, and right now i want to crawl inside your beard and live in it like a trembling little bird. i do remember the unfairas requested by chris cuomo of martin o'malley. >> as you know, there is a 15% rule in a lot of these don't have 15% of the caucuses in that room, those men and women have to go to a different candidate. so if you don't have that, and now have to go somewhere else, the people that support you, what is your suggestion to them? >> stephen: i thinks way out of line. chris cuomo why not just ask marredin o'malley, "after you your 10-speed bike." thank you for your question.
words "thank you" as you sit down.m, right over there. >> thanks, stephen. i'm a part-time c.e.o., full-time mom, currently serving in afghanistan.r your service. what's your question? >> do you have a clip of hillary clinton that you'd like an audience member to help you setthat is the greatest question ever asked. if i was making a clone army of philosophers, i would use you as my baseline d.n.a.p, we have all seen bernie sanders' inspirational america ad, haven't we. last night, cnn made sure too? too. >> i think that's great. i think that's fabulous. i loved it. ( applause ) >> stephen: that is tough.
smile through her opponent's ad. really went too far when they made her watch the entire benghazi movie. >> pull over for inspection. >> i'm sorry, circ i can't do a u.s. ambassador at risk. >> we are the only help they have. that's great. i think that's fabulous. i loved it. ( applause ) >> stephen: that is the be film has ever received. yes, yes, the young lady with the bangs there. >> hello, stephen.al audience plant from des moines. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> thank you. i do have a question. i brought my own footage. you roll that? here's martin o'malley taking off his jacket, rolling up his sleeves, and loosening his tie. why would he do that? >> here's what happens.es will
all right. ( cheers and applause ) it makes them see more relatable or hard working.'ll even-- they'll even roll up a sleeve like this, or maybe put their foot up in a position that no one would normally stand in. andeers and applause ) just roll up his sleeves.lause ) this is-- it lets-- it lets the the audience know that they're just ordinary folk, ready to get to work, who have not skipped leg day.ust take a beer and crack it open and-- mmm! that is domestic. ( laughter )r, right there. you look like you have a
>> yes. i didn't watch last night's town hall.g to say about that dog that ran aen: yes, that's an issue that's affecting a lot of people's facebook feeds this morning. happened. it's a true story. in alabama, a bloodhound named ludivine was let out on a peeof the yard and ran a half marathon and finished 7th. it's a true story. it's a story of hope. it's a story that reminds me of the time i tried to go to the gym and ended up makingstake and winning best in breed at the westminster dog show. ( cheers and applause )e for one last question. the tall african american gentleman in the back of the room.
( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. mr. colbert, i'm an actor from hollywood, california. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> thank you. i'm wondering, my question is, planned for the rest of the show tonight? >> stephen: that's an incredible question. you're an amazing person. i will tell you what i intend to do. i intend to be right back with stick around, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) the more you move the more you sweatse technology keeps you fresh with every move. it has unique microcapsules that
friction breaks the capsules...s of freshness all day. whether you're meeting a deadline... ...grabbing a bite...for the night. motionsense, protection to keep you moving. degree, it won't let you down. ig bull. i think that's old cyrus. 1800 pounds of do whatever the heck i want. ong way, huh? thank you cyrus. a 2016 lincoln mkc for $289 a month only at your lincoln dealer. carriers make families share data. not t-mobile! switch now and get four lines
and no sharing.st thirty-five bucks a line at t-mobile. when you have a lot of followers, here. they want to see the world through your eyes or your stomach. or your stomach. falls, the duck boats, pthe sheep and sweaters made from sheep all i need is one card and pfor rewards...for the services and protections of membership... for the journey... carry the american express
welcome back.ny- and emmy-winning actor now starring in "black-ish" on abc. >> sound like money trouble and no wonder the way you two spend-- the latest jeans,h-top sneaker boot tennis shoes. when i was growing up all you needed was black leather pants and a denim shirt. that's yi moved to l.a. l.a. because of that hit and run. >> this is not about me!come laurence fishburne! ( cheers and applause ) phen: that's nice. >> yes! >> stephen: i like the bow to the audience of respect before we get started. >> reverence for the audience,>> stephen: you've got to. i noticed tonight so many people in the audience were really, physically attractive people, did you notice that? >> they were, gorgeous people.
and well spoken, >> stephen: congratulations on "black-ish." >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: when we will get to in just a moment. >> sure. >> stephen: but you've got an amazing history inrted-- you were in "apocalypse now"-- >> 14. >> stephen: 14 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have to lie to get in the movie because you played a soldier. >> i lied but they didn'te. they knew how old i was but they just kind of thought, "oh, yeah, he's the guy." >> stephen: how long did it take to make the movie? >> two years. >> stephen: so you weren't even 18 when it was over. came out, i turned 17 the year it came out, '79. >> stephen: so you've been tv since you were 14 years old. there's a lot of talk about diversity in hollywood right now. >> yeah, sure. >> do you think it'sgotten better or worse. >> it's >> stephen: it's gotten better. >> it's gotten better. we still have a lot of work to do but it's gotten better. >> stephen: what do you think of the oscar people aren't getting nominated? >> it's a very, very complicated thing.
wait to see how chris rock handles it as the host of thethat's what i'm looking forward to. ( applause ) called "black-ish." >>phen: you can explain that title to me? is there a difference in being black and beingevel of nuance i'm not entirely sure of. >> as the white man in this situation, steve -- >> i'm the white man in almostn every situation. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: yes, what i talk about diversity, i realize it is the pot calling the kettle you're in the position of authority. so i don't know. you tell me. >> stephen: am i in a position of authority? >> absolutely. >> stephen: because i'm sitting at this desk. >> indeed!ere's the thing. i like the show. i don't think i'm black. is there a chance i'm blackish? >> definitely. >> stephen: really! >> definitely. look at your band. look at yourhen: really?
>> your band makes you blackish.pplause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, jon. black. >> truly! one drop. >> stephen: oh, sure, sure, in the day, one drop. >> stephen: warren g. harding. now, you play-- you play-- this is surprising to me. becausee essentially the same age. >> yes. >> stephen: but you play a grandfather. >> i play grandpa. >> stephen: how do you feel about playing a grandfather. >> i love it.eally? >> yeah. >> stephen: does he have to be a sexy grandpa or something like that? >> no, listen, listen, i am not 35. and i'mtry to pretend that i'm 35. i am 50-something years old. i'm happy! i love being this age! i mean -- >> do you remember your grandfather? >> yes, i do! you kind
this is a totally new grandfather? >> no, i'm doing whatever i'm doing, and i'm bringing all of my years of experience and theave with guys that were older than me, because cats. so i'm just bringing, you know, my life and mying 50-plus makes me grandpa eligible. i mean, i could have >> stephen: i am sure. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm sure-- i'm sure-- i'm sure it was in the cards. >> i am digging where i am at in terms of my age. i'm trying to age as possible, and stepping into this -- >> you're pulling it off very well. >> they say 50s are the age oft trying to be an elegant man. i'm just trying. >> stephen: i was not preeppedz for my elegance to be so pairhter ) so, yes, very nice. very nice.
love to be able to get away with that i can't. >> tell me, tell me. >> stephen: and i think it's because i haven't embraced my. you say the, cat, unironically you said cat, and dig it. >> dig that. >> stephen: daddy-o, can i dig daddy-o, not only that-- when you do it, you will be so cool, that you will be straight from the fridge. ( cheers and applause )en: i need to learn some more. i need to learn some more fromound a little bit? we'll be right back with a little more blackish from laurence fishburne.
go. ah man, who invited these guys? hey clay, it's cool if we order some delivery? it' s time for you guys to make the right call. no pizza, tfresh-baked in my own oven. t okay. it' s not delivery, it' s digiorno. rom one of those major carriers. straight talk wireless uses the same cell towers they do. but we don't build or maintain them. so we can offer you the same great,r half the cost! out here... ...and here... and here. would be weird. the world needs more straight talk. best phones. best networks. half the cost. get a samsung galaxy unlimited talk, text and data is just $45 a month.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want you back here every night for my preshow warm-up. that's what i need. >> yeah, man. >> stephen: i need a little bit more of the blackish. a little less of the i think so. can i ask you something about your family name. >> yes. >> stephen: fishburne, that's kind of an unusual namely name.at's not actually my real name. my real name is kantrowitz. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, they call me fishburne be fish. >> stephen: so it's a nickname? you burn fish. >> you've played the dozensphen: i know what it is. >> the dozens. >> stephen: i've heard of it. i know what that is. >> it's that.
burns!" ( cheers and applause )h, stephen? >> stephen: please, let's do it. sure, let's do it.t feel to be the part of the mermaid no one likes? >> oh mama, that's a fish burn! >> betafish, i bet you never laid-a-fish. >> stephen: i can try? okay. hey, yellow perch, you know where i perch? on your mom! >> burn, comma, fish! >> stephen: this is. >> you know what they say about small mouth bass? small penis bass! >> one fish, two fish, red fish, burn fish!en: hey, clams, guess what? no one's diggin' you.
that's a clam slam! oh! hey, grouper, you're so ugly that when you're on the menu, people order chips and chips! >> what time is it?! >> stephen: wow, we really said some terrible things to fish there, laurence. about that? >> no, no, stephen because they've got it coming. they've got it coming. >> your service. >> my pleasure. "black-ish" airs wednesdays at 9:30 on abc. fishburne, everybody.
charged up. by design. trade is all about seizing opportunity. so i' m going to take this opportunity to go off script. so if i wanna go to jersey and check folio, what' s it to you? or i' m a scottish mason whose assets are made of stone like me heart. papa! mine! or perhaps it' s time to seize the day. don' t just see opportunity, seize it!
playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. you know, i don't know about you guys, but i love to dointernet because there are so many great things you can learn out there, sp some of the best ones are these things called life hacks. little shortcuts on daily tasks that can save you a ton of time. for instance, here's a clever way you can turn a bag ofetos.
it's that simple. it's convenient and makes youor wedding gifts at a gas station. ( laughter ) or this is an actual one from savvy travel lee. >> here's a way to make sure that your bags are never lost. you go to target, and you buy a starter pistol. so when you're checking in, you, "i'm declaring a firearm in my bag." they don't know if you have an ak-47 that's legally purchased and registered or a starter pistol. it doesn't matter.e way. >> stephen: yes, you'll be able to locate your bag, and when t.s.a. hauls you off the plane for a promise, they will locate your sack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but despite-- they're verythey're very thorough. blue gloves. but despite all the clever tips and tricks out there, there areoblems
this is "life hacked!" first up, do you worry about your car being stolen because it doesn't have an expensive alarm? not anymore. whenever you park it, simply setire. now if someone tries to steal your car, they'll catch on fire and the amublance's siren will act as a car alarm. life... >> stephen: pretty good. are you being driven crazy nearby construction site? wait until they leave for the night, then finish the building yourself! life... >> audience: hacked!er ) >> stephen: desperate for some cuddling but allergic to cats? here's a helpful tip-- maybe you're noto raccoons. just lie in your yard, rub a
wait for your new best pal to show up. hacked! >> stephen: losing custody of your kids during your divorce?, become their nanny, and win back the respect of your wife, sally field. life... >> audience: hacked!: someone spill red wine on your new white carpet? go to your kitchen, grab a knife, and stab them. they'll never spill again, and the blood will cover up that unsightly wine stain. life... ( laughter )de your marijuana farm from police helicopters? just plant it in the shape of the words "normal farm." life...acked! >> stephen: looking for a way to get out of a bad relationship? walk slowly and silently into the ocean. shhh..., that's what the
, plus up to $300 to spend at sea. come seek the royal caribbean.ruary 15th. this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. not again. e. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. finally, something tha it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. we brought you here today to get your honest o to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay.
lause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. dinosaur hunter who works here in new york at the american museum of natural history. he's here to introduce us to the titanosaur, the largest dinosaur ever found.r. michael novacek. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first of all, thank you for being here. and how did you get a job likeb that every six-year-old wants? ( laughter ). >> a little bit of luck. some guy r really? >> at the museum. >> stephen: is it who you know in paleontology? >> no, not really. i had to compete for the job.re very few jobs in this field. it's difficult to find a job,
american museum of naturalery lucky to get a job there. ( applause ) a fantastic museum. >> stephen: it's one of the jewels of new york city? >> it's an i >> stephen: tell me about the titanosaur. let's give some people a sense of the size of this animal let's see, john, you can put that up-- there's the head over there. and then there's the body that goes around. but even this is nowhere near the size of it, right? >> no, yeah, it's about four or more, actually. >> stephen: because the actual titanosaur would not fit inside this theater. >> it would not. >> stephen: let's have a shot of what it would look like if it was walking down that would be the size of the titanosaur. now, where was it found? >> in argentina, a lonely place in a patagonian desert, south buenos aires. >> stephen: this is how you found out about it.
>> my colleague, mark nurle, at museum, i woke up one morning, checked my e-mail-- i was actually out of town. he didn't say anything in the e this photo. and i said, "wow." right away, we knew that it was about the biggest thing ever found. and i said, "well, we gotta get gotta get something of that at the museum." >> stephen: what makes the titanosaur special? >> well, titanosaurs are probably the biggest lane know of, that ever lived. i mean, they're smaller, probably, than blue whales but this thing roabl weighed 70 blue whale can weigh in around 80 or 100 tons. but it's being suspended in water. these things are walking ond like to see ( laughter ) and when you find a pile of bones like this. >> yeah, this was a big pile.ou know ( laughter ) how do you know you're not just
bones, and going,un,"s like that?" how do you know the way it goes together? there's no instruction manual. >> i'd like to say that isn't a but it is. >> stephen: oh, it is? >> sometimes some mistakes have been made. >> stephen: what's a famous mistake people have made? >> oh, well, at our museum, we had the a dinosaur for years. we realized that -- >> is this the bront sauer you're talking about. >> the >> stephen: when i was a kid, the bronto sauer was like the titanosaur. and then it disappeared and they said there's no such thing as auer? >> some are claiming the name is valid again and there's some argument going back and forth. it has to do with the measurement of the skull and theey say, oh, no, brontosauer is a valid name. but names go back and forth and
name a different species or same species. it's a formal term in taxonomy, in naming things that there are two categories of people-- the and the splitters any time they see something knew, they say we have a new species. and the lumpers who build their all those names back together. >> stephen: so are you a splitter or a lumper? ( laughter ). >> depend. depends on thehen: i believe you're called a waffler. does this thing have a name yet? >> it has a name. a 't tell you what it is -- >> why not? >> because it's part of an unpublished manuscript that was submitted to a journal, and you a name until it's published with a paper with a description and the illustration of the specimen. >> stephen: you can whisper it? >> no gliat it is. i'll just act if i like it or not. you can't say anything? i'm going to say it's allen. it's call allen. >> stephen: close?
>> stephen: no clues? ( laughter ) wow. >> can't do it. >> stephen: code of silence among i'll be in big trouble. >> stephen: incredible. >> i'll be in big trouble. >> stephen: incredible. can we expect we're going to find anything bigger than that out this? have we reached the limit? can you do the math and say nothing bigger than that can>> we know something is bigger than this. something older. >> stephen: the daddy. >> we just haven't found it.something bigger out there, and there's a lot of competition-- my dinosaur's bigger than your: yeah, there's a lot of that in the rock locker room, there sure is. are we ever going to be able to clone these guys. >> no. >> stephen: are you sure? >> ) >> stephen: if we could, do you think we should? >> well, it would be kind of interesting to see.>> stephen: it would be a blockbuster.
>> it could be an interesting experiment or the end of all humankind. i mean -- >> either way, pretty >> pretty interesting. that's what science is all about. but it's technologically impossible to do that right now. >> stephen: presently. >> prokay, well, that's comforting. well, doctor, thank you so much for being here. >> it's my pleasure. >> stephen: pleasure to meet you.ael novacek, ladies and gentlemen! the titanosaur is now on display at the american museum of natural history. we'll be right back. why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. beth, i hear you calling... but i can't come home right now... me and the
do... [siri:] message. pick up milk. oh, right. milk.ing the newly redesigned passat. from volkswagen. i filed my taxes online with h&r block for $9.99. na na na?my lil' phone. huh? na na na. [announcer] file state online for $9.99. federal is free. hrblock.com. cheese, yes please. introducing new melty mozzarella sticks at mcdonald' s. made with 100% real cheese. served hot. dip ' em in zesty marinara deliciousness. s mcpick 2 for $2 menu. ers make families share data. not t-mobile! switch now and get four lines with up to six gigs each. and no sharing.just thirty-five bucks a line
hellonna bite you just want a light you got me wishing that i never said hello don't wanna fight youht to this is what i get for being civilized i apologize i'll let you go in a minute if you want a goodbye to say took my salutations and threw 'em away call off your dogs i know there's something wrong with the limits we got turned around, but we could spin it what's with the wall? if we're strong, we can win it one word can begin it hello i got a right to call you, baby i got a right to say hello remember when you used to like
this is what i get for being civilized i apologizeinute if you want a goodbye it's not what i want to say and threw them away so call off your dogs give someone a callthing wrong with the limits we got turned around, but we could spin it call off your dogs what's with the wall?we can win it one word can begin it hello
hello hello hello so call off your dogs give someone a call i know there's something wrong with the limits we got turned around, but we could spin it call off your dogs? if we're strong, we can win it one word can begin it hello your dogs give someone a call i know there's something wrong with the limits we got turned around, but we could spin it call off your dogs? if we're strong, we can win it