tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) show time! hey, jon. how are you? good to see you, my friend? how you doing? >> jon: good, good, solid. >> stephen: how are your hamstrings, jon? >> jon: yeah, they're nice and stretched. >> stephen: i have to stretch mine out before i do anything rough tonight. welcome to "the late show," everybody. life is good, isn't it? ( cheers and applause ) it's not all bad news out there. some of it is absolutely fantastic. for instance, it's getting warmer. spring training right now upon down in florida. i just saw this heartwarming story of a baseball bat flying at a child's head. ( laughter )
pirates is up to bat, takes a chop at it, the bat flies out of his hands-- apparently they have not gotten to the part of spring training where they are trained to hold on to the bat-- and it goes straight for the skull of an eight-year-old boy in the stands. and check out how his father protected him with his forarm. look at that! ( applause ) that dad-- that dad-- there's your season m.v.p., and the season hasn't even started. the dad's name is sean cunningham. his eight-year-old son is landon. and this photo is all over social media, and believe it or not, some jerks have criticized the boy for not paying attention because he's looking at his phone and the photo. which is totally unfair. it's not the boy's fault that baseball is so boring.
he's just looking-- and here's the thing. i am feeling a little inadequate as a father right now. and i think a lot of fathers are. not just because of what the dad did. check out his forarm. it's like seeing the bat next to i can't compete with that. hold on. ( cheers and applause ) you take this. okay.here we go. this is-- i want to show you my forarm, okay? here's my forearm. okay? here's my forearm, ready? here's azed bat. my forearm. now you see the it. now you don't. ( cheers and applause ) now you see it, now you don't.se ) can we please go back to
( laughter ) it's really depressing. for you tonight. i will be talking to oscar-winning actress, thelen mirren is here, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause )be talking to the director of "star trek" and will be sitting down with us tonight. sir j.j., why not.ill have music from d.m.a.'s! ( band playing ) over there, in left field, that's jon batiste and stay human, say hi, everybody. they are about to gun the "late show" camaro and jump it overut before they do,
>> stephen: here you go! mmm! mmm! i'll tell you one of the things, one of the reasons that story of the kid almost getting hit in the head with the bat really when i was a kid, i really liked to throw the bat after i hit the ball. possibly-- i'm not sure where i learned it, but possibly because i had seven the youngest, and i learned how to bat from them, and they were always showing off in the backyard. so if they hit the ball in our backyard, they would hit andt fly, like a gladiator throwing away his sword after he decapitated hisid i used to always hit the ball and let the ball fly-- let the bat fly. it would just go off look a towards the stand.
"don't do that! don't throw the bat!" and one day i was playingall at my school in james island, south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) serious, james island, south right, there are some good people out there from james island. and they know it's all just sand out there if you dig down more than an inch because it's justith trees on it. and i qot a nice hit, i got a nice hit, and i let the bat go and it starts flying away and i almost take the first i remember, "oh, yeah, coach says, don't throw the bat." and i turned around in time to see the bat, still in air, still just whipping around, and make perfect a kid my age, like fourth grade, right there, sweet spot, right to sweet spot. and to my dying day, i willet the image of the kid just going bop, like a
backwards like a duck at ank shooting gallery. and i didn't know what to do until, of course, the crowd started yelling, "run! take your base!" and by the time i got on, and by the time i got back to home, i think they had dragged him off by his ankles. i'm sure he was fine. i'd like to say i'm sorry toas, if you ever recovered. ( laughter ) hey, i'd like to do a quick check-in with the audience right now. i do this every so quick poll about presidential candidates. is anybody here feeling thepplause ) thank you, thank you, that's fine. thank you. i have my sampleyou very much. well, brace yourself. i've got some shocking news because yesterday during a rally in michigan, senator sandersll about burning down.
my life when i was very younge ) >> stephen: woooh! woooh! why are we cheering? because he smoked pot? he only smoked twice!is is admission is on brand for bernie. senator, do you know who your supporters are?ou this much, they've smoked marijuana twice... smoked marijuana twicence. i for one am shocked by bernie's admission.his track on us? as i went walking that ribbon of highway i saw above me that endless
>> stephen: he recorded a reggae cover of a socialivelynd expects us to believe he only smoked pospottwice? was one of those times for 10 years, senator.n i can think of that the senator from the people's republic of vermont has only sparked up twice is that maybe bernie thought it clashed with his political beliefs.ass the dutchie on the left hand side, the bottom 10% of people to the right are getting 80% less dutchie than the elite 1% on dee left hand side. i promise in my administration there will be equale dutchie." ( cheers and applause ) isne he would say. ( laughter ) of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression.ld use a prescription? every voter in america, because
brutal.ght and then the candidates fall, everybody just thirsts for their blood. it's terrible. hunger games." no, it's worse than that. it's "the hungry for power games."e ) welcome! power games"! tributes, assemble!ain. you can barely count them on one of trump's teensy little doll hands. ( laughter ) tribute fell, as retired neurosurgeon and ambien-american announced he was leaving the race. >> now that i am leaving the campaign trail-- >> no!re a lot of
they just won't vote for me. >> stephen: oh, well, oh, you know the old saying, "love means never having to say you're sorry you voted for ben carson." but his fall was not unexpected.ingle state on super tuesday-- or on average wednesday-- and carsono path forward." doctor, with your eyes closed, you can't see anything forward.e ) oh, oevment!s going flat! where's my voiceless eunuch! this is andro.ess
andro, make happy bubble now.pplause ) more! more! good. shhh! shhhh! shhh! no need to thank me. no need to thank me. back in the pit. back in the pit, andro.pplause ) ah, yes. yes. now that has all thethat ben carson lacked. where was i? where was i? yes, yes, yes, yes! oh, yes! doctor announced his campaign, he set the tone with a rousing battle cry: >> i'm not a politician. i don't want to be a politician. >> stephen: wish granted!e ) mmm! surprised he didn't put up more
story of a childhood knife fight.ng knife, and i tried to stab him in the abdomen, and fortunately he hadt buckle on under his clothing, and the knife blade struck with such force that it broke, and he fled in terror. ( laughter )just don't trust someone who is bad at murder. so let us bid farewell to the fallen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night, sweetght. that is, assuming you were ever awake.
pain from your day can haunt you advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. be? an oven-baked digiorno? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy?ttle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. do you think i'm gonna crack under pressure or conquer the field? defy expectations any day with always infinity. made with flexfoam.
i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. her life's work has been about breaking barriers. and so would her presidency. which is why, for every american who's not being paid what they're worth... who's held back by student debt or a system tilted against them- and there are far too many of you- she understands that our country can't reach it's potential... unless we all do. together.
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.an oscar-winning actress, whose new film is "eye in the sky." >> i need legal clearance right now. >> a >> yes. >> so this is no longer a capture situation? >> no, we have two suicide vests with explosives inside that house so can you clear me to a higher c.d.e.?s a very time-sensitive target. do i have authority to strike? the rules of engagement you're operating under only allow for low >> the explosives inside that house bring it to a potential high cde. >> and since the explosives are in there, i can see alegal objection. >> we have two suicide bombers and three very high-value individualsed in that house. >> and you want them off your
kill scenario. >> stephen: please welcome dame helen mirren.cheers and applause ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> if i didn't do it them i'd never get to do it, so, you know, i have been dreaming of doing that 15 years. so-- i just grabbed my chance. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. >> stephen: i suddenly can't remember anyat is one of the nicest
given me. >> your lips are very soft.know what you're doing. ( laughter ) you really know what you're doing. thank you so much for being here! can you imagine the number of people who are jealous of me right now? >> including me when i watch it. i'll be going,dn't i do more?" >> stephen: well, i'll tell you what, the night is young, dame helen. ( laughter )tely a fantastic actress, a capt vaight woman. and on a level i never imaginedhter ) and-- and you're a dame. >> i am. >> stephen: another i have interviewed some sirs-- they never cizzed me.e. >> not even iain mckellan? >> stephen: not even iain mckellan.
helin mckellan sandwich? does it come with anything cool being a game daim? >> it comes with a very nice, glittery star you can aware functions. on the invitation it says-- not honors, but it says you can wear your thing. >> stephen: if it's a very special event itwear the thing. >> yes, you can aware the thing. >> stephen: we don't have that over here. >> you should. because so many americans do >> stephen: they do. >> for their country, for thur community, for all kind of reasons and there really should be some form of recogen we would need a monarchy and we're at least nine months away from that. ( cheers and applause )nk? don't you think? >> i would prefer it to be a monarchy. i don't think it would be a monarchy. i think it would be a dictatorship, which is a veryg. >> stephen: it could be, it could be. we'll see. we'll see. you know a little thing or two
played a queen of some part, or eight times, right? >> possibly, yes. i haven't counted. >> stephen: you played elizabeth ii twice. you have played queen sharl poptzabeth i. >> yes, yes. queen margaret. >> stephen: queen margaret. >> cleopatra. go all i watt through putting the apse on your breast? >> yes, we had a real one that escaped into the theater. >> stephen:e a real aspe on stage? >> absolutely. obviously, it wasn't a poisonous one. we don't know. >> stephen: don't break thet break the illusion. >> yeah, it came out of the box all like this. and then it escaped one night. and it's probably still in the theater somewhere. >> stephen: well, did you learn anything from playing any sympathy for them? >> i'm not a monarchist. i really appreciate and respect our present queen elizabeth,
you know, long, dedicated dutiful job for her country. i think it's really amazing what but i'm-- i'm not a monarchist particularly. >> stephen: for those who don't understand what, do theyughter ) because i don't really mean to belittle. i don't understand necessarily what they do. to americans they're love the royalty. >> what do-- they just have to be incredibly nice to people all day long, every day. ( laughter ) and then, of course, people are very nice to them all dayery day. >> stephen: until they're not. until they're not. they get savaged in the press. >> i think when td that must have been a real shock to the system for them because they really weren't used to that. but, you know, you watch the queen at work, and it's justjust endlessly shaking hands, smiling at people, encouraging them.
that's what she always asks, you come from?" and then really doesn't listen to the answer at all. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the easy part of therom mars and i live in mars, and, yes, i am an alien. >> stephen: how delightful. >> how very interesting.o the next. >> stephen: well, your majesty, you can hang on for a second. we have to take a little commercial, and if you deign to give us your presence, we would be very honored. we'll be back with more helen mirren. only those who dare...e world forward. introducing the first-ever
to severe crohn's disease is tough, but i've managed. except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor,mira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease.ical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission.ability to fight infections, serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers,ma, have as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure.get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start hu. ask your gastroenterologist
would be nice to have a cup of tea. >> how >> is it bags?>> stephen: no, it's brewed teas. >> teas. >> that's lovely.too much? tell us about the movie. >> a little milk here. >> stephen: in the movie you play colonel. >> i: who is using drones to spy on terrorists. >> not to spy on -- >> not spy on. >> to attack. >> stephen: okay, but doesn't she have to spy, need something? >> i want more tea. >> stephen: more tea. you told me to stop. i was pouring and you told me to the milk in, and then there was too much milk and now i have to put a bit more tea to make it right. 'm getting another kiss at the end of this one. i've really grown bloen it. the movie is-- she's having-- there's conflict in command whether you can kill someone and have collateral damage and whether there is a
action which it lethal and the and as the the this woman, who is the commander, who is very hawkish, is sort of a surprising figure because we don't think of this in america, we don't thinkle military figures as being sort of hawkish and ready to kill. >> i'm sorry, but anybody who is in the military by nature is aat's the nature of their job. you don't want a dove. not. >> at least the head of the: when you were working on the character, is there something different for a-- the idea of a woman being a hawk as opposed to a man?i think that, obviously-- it was incidentally. >> steph changed to a woman. >> stephen: they said, "helen helen mirren is available, let's--." ( cheers and but it wasn't just-- the director said that it just gives-- it doesn't become a man,
it broader human sort of perspective, really. but yes, it's about-- it's-- you kind of a court drama with the audience as the jury. i'm really hoping that doesn't cause any divorces because of movie that when you come out of people will have very fierce opinions about the issues, about what's right, what's wrong, what would do youosition what, you wouldn't do in that position? >> stephen: is the technology in the movie accurate? they have these little drones-- little beetles, tiny little>> it is. >> stephen: smaller than a humming bird, smaller than a beetle flying into people's houses and spying on them. >> that'snology is at that point and it's going to go much further beyond that point in the next 10 or 15 years. that's what's soean, obviously a lot of this is-- i'm sure it's sort of secret in a sense -- >> not anymore.
>> stephen: thanks a lot, helen>> have we done something. >> stephen: can i ask what that-- that tattoo? is that okay to ask what that is? >> yes what, ityes, what does it mean? it's sort of two "v"s inverted against each other. >> it kind of means equal and opposite. soferent from you as you can possibly imagine but have equal value to yourself. that's the overall idea of it. i used to tell people i got it in prisonex change. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, they did a very, very good job, let me just say. >> yes, it was very expensive.ot my tattoo when only hell's angels" and tattoos. >> stephen: in the 70s? >> exactly right. i got it done here in america. >> stephen: really? >> yes, with a safety pin. >> stephen: with a safety pine of ink or something?
>> stephen: you're you were something of a carnival barker when you were younger. there's a different name in england. >> i was at the convent school so i was a good girl -- >> you were at a convent. >> stephen: you can ever think about taking the orders? >> you know, i did. when i was about 11 or 12. >> stephen: oh, you would be such trouble on those young teaching. it would have been so hard on them. >> it was an all girls' school. but anyway, it was a sort of saturday job. yes, i worked as a barker in thecause i grew up in the sort of the british equivalent of coney island. it was a sort of seaside resort carnivals and rides and stuff like that. so i worked in the carnival for a while. >> stephen: what did you do? sort of like, step up!e walks, she talks, she crawls on her bell as a reptile. gorilla, gorilla! come inside! >> i 91 as blagging.
>> stephen: exactly, like-- like a carnival where you throw the darts and stuff like that. >> so i had to get people to the stall, my stall, as opposed to any other stall. >> stephen: was it like hit the balloon and win a doll ores. >> stephen: was it a total rip-off? >> yes. >> stephen: so you were a con man! >> yes, and i blag -- >> anvent who spent her time tay convent school. >> excuse me. sir, did you park at the gate? did think you did? could you come here a second? i just want to ask you something. did you park in the gate? >> jon: yes. >> oh, good. come over've got a very good stall here. >> jon: yeah, over there. >> stephen: she got you. jon, helen. helen, jon: hi. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> jon: she got me. >> that's blagging.
is that froms exactly the same! you're so right. >> stephen: yeah. >> that was when my career began. i never thought ofhelen mirren, here. it was an absolute pleasure to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) opens this friday. helen mirren, everybody. we'll be right back. there is a dangerous instinct that lives within you. you like chaos. and in these times, we need that. rush in, when everyone else is running away. ing the jeep renegade,
whatcha gonna do when you get outta here? i' m gonna have some fun! what do you consider fun? tural fun! yeah, we rocking right now. a party over here. hey, i' m in heaven. hello my love! the flame is out... ugh...today the flame is out, tomorrow my attitude... your mother... antonio. antonio. que? it's not working. campbell's microwaveable soups.
you, other than the fact that you're a damn nice guy? >> what's that, sir? love hearing stories, and you're like the consummate storyteller. >> that is incredibly kind, and now i'm on the spot. have to tell a story. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: i wouldn't mind knowing and i'm sure people wouldn't mind, do you have a philosophy how you tell stories, though? somewhere you want to start? do you start with a question? do you start with a mystery? >> not really. honestly, every story is a different thing and all you try to do is tell a story that will emotionally. and i think in movies at least, there's a tendency to sometimes go for a visual effects sort of crutch to rely on >> stephen: well, you're very good at that. you're very good at that. >> thank you. >> stephen: not the crutch part, but the spectacle. >> thanks. but anyway... think-- oh, my god. what i think is happening -- >> you like the visual effects? >> it's an amazing place.key is just to try to tell a story that is as
possible, despite all the: we spoke about this once before in front of a live audience for a benefit once, you said that your wife told you to stop with the lensyour wife, katie, said, "that's enough with the lens flares." >> katie's told me to stop with listened. >> but lens flares i was like, okay, i'll stop. she was right. there was one scene in ""star trek" into darkness" that youdn't see what was going on. and it was a very important emotional scene. and alice eve, the actress, was somewhere behind this crazy lens flare glaring, andoked at me and said, "okay, i think this is it. i think at this point you have to absolutely stop doing that." >> stephen: it's like putting on everything you want before you go out, look in the mirror, and take off one lens flare. >> is that what you do? >> stephen: that's what i do.e new movie "10 cloverfield lane." this thing, i can't wait to see it, and you snuck up on people with this.
this coming. and suddenly j.j. abrams is producing a new movie. >> yes, but this was a movie directed by dan not direct the movie. dan did an extraordinary job. it was his first film, which you would never know seeing it. it's a really scary, really weird-- it's a creation and we purposely doesn't announce it. we didn't talk about it for a year, six months, two monthsow do you make a film, a big film-- john goodman is a star. you're a star producer with a big studio. it's like beyonce dropping annesday afternoon. roll. ( laughter ) no. >> stephen: very similar. >> very similar. >> stephen: it's the hips. >> what! no, what happened is it was sort of under the radar.his movie, it just kind of happened, and we didn't announce the title until january. and the fun was to say-- we wanted to try and make it fun for the of saying, "hey in a
or six months," we said in twol come out and people seem to be enjoying the surprise of it. >> stephen: the people in the movie, the characters, do not seem to be enjoying it at all. we have a clip, we have a clip right goodman has rescued mary elizabeth winstead. and she's trying to escape from an underground bunker that he says, "don't go outside. it's not safe." >> it's what happens when you need someone to save you and the person who saves you may bend you don't know. >> it's horrifying outside and it's terrifying inside and what do you do? is what she does. >> come on! >> no! don't!
don't open that door!'s a woman-- >> open the door! it's okay. i just-- i want to come inside! >> she looks hurt. she wants me to let herou can't help her! no one can! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no, i would never. i would never-- i would go backd say, "please forgive me. i can come back into the bunker again?" this is called "10 cloverfield lane." the this a sequel to "cloverfield?" >> the easiest way to look at it is sort of a "twilight zone"y but there's a connective idea -- >> the same world? >> sort of. there's an anthology on the one the hand but there's another we're playing with. >> stephen: there's always another narrative you're playing with. everything is a mystery, everything is a puzzle.
four stripes.hat's got to be something. you're faims for putting conund ra, different puzzles in your work. >> it's not about puzzles. it's the fun of something-- when movie, you don't want to have seen everything in the trailer. when you're watching the film you want the audience to be asking questions. you want people to need to know's not about playing with them. it'sing about btelling a story that's drawing you deeper into it. it's not like an approach. it's what a good story does. >> stephen: i like and applause ) carved into stone and put on the top of mount hollywood someplace. speaking of mount hollywood, you're absolutely standing on the top right now. i want to say, publicly, since your great success, congratulations on "star wars." >> thank you. ( cheers and applause )n incredible thing to
to see everyone working so hard, and then to have it go okay. >> stephen: okay! most successful movie of all time. >> it was really like i know how much it meant not just to me, of course, but the of to thelly thousands of people who worked on that thing. i was so relieved -- >> and the billions of people-- maybe a billion. maybe a billion people were looking ford thatble, right? no pressure. >> all i know is -- >> a billion people. >> for the last month, every day, 100 people say to me,th the pressure? the pressure must be killing you." every day, and i would get in bed at night and think i'm going to have a heart so just the fact that we survived it, i'm grateful. >> stephen: more than survived. congratulations.an of you and a fan of "star wars" thank you. i can't wait to see "10 cloverfield lane." it opens this friday. j.j.l be right back. ( cheers and applause ) u, simply
utterly useless, oxygeion. a darwin-award deserving, selfish cowardly pillock. so stop it. your friends and family thank you, the friends and family of other drivers thank you, your future self thanks you. this is supposed to be fun. cheers. nice and cold. get 30% off every guestevery ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean book today at 1-800-royalcaribbean. misplace your discover card, you can use freeze it to prevent new purchases on your account in seconds. you can switch it right on again. you're back!
beautiful covergirl ireless... ...we believe your tax refund should last. all. year. long. don't waste it on a pricey wireless plan. lose the contracts, mystery fees and overages. talk... ...to get coverage on america's largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. for half the cost. get any of the latest samsung phones or bring your own phone. unlimited talk, text and data is 45 bucks a month. find out more at straighttalkswitch.com. pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil p you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can
night's sleep. our breakfast hours are simple: always. : same. our value menu is prettttttttttttty simple, too. denny's. welcome to america's diner. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. there better be some awardsu are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month.
here performing "delete," please welcome dma's!t about the stars, the sky lucid as the air that blows and light, that shinesay to figure out her when the night is wrongder outside through the rain and snow her don't delete my baby don't defeat her stille quiet of nothing, to the hands of grace don't delete my baby don't defeat her nowmy baby won't you always find
through the rain and snow out her don't defeat my babyll in the quiet of nothing to the hands of graceaby don't defeat her now don't defeat my baby won't you always findmond like you never did gonna show you something i can't be taughtaby i'll find a chorus nowelong to be reflections of myself let it all out
to fight the feeling coming to break don't wait opening the door shift horizons in good time you were there for me let it catch you in the fall i know that you're right ease with me tonight in the dawn you were there for me waking in the dark know i'll meet you in the falle you could be divine know i'll feel you in good time i know that you're right break the moment in the dawn you were there for me waking in the darkk
it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sally field, jerrod carmichael, and a performance by esperanza spalding. now stick around for james corden. good night!captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) are you ready to have some