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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." hey, everybody!
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>> jon: it's in your heart. >> stephen: thank so much, everybody. please! how you guys doing? >> jon: good. >> stephen: how is everybody everybody feeling okay? ( cheers and applause ) me, too, me, too. been a little but under the weather, spent a lot of time in bed, trying to rest, relax, surfing the internet a lot. i'm a bit of a web-head. i don't want to brag. i like to find the hidden, out-of-the-way corners of the internet, and i stumbled across a gem recently you might enjoy. it's called ( laughter ) it's got everything: books, appliances, and if you just order two aa batteries, it comes packed with 30 sealed bags full of chinese air. that's a cheap high. and now amazon's got this new voice-activated home assistant
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you guys heard. th? a lot of echo users tonight. you just talk to the echo, and it tells you the weather or sports scores or controls the lighting or climate in your house. now, the echo is always listening, but it only activates when you say its name, alexa. it's a pretty name, much prettier than the earlier name, the privacy-destroyer spy-mic 5000. ( laughter ) so, cool. like, on the surface, that's a but here's what happened. last weekend, n.p.r. was doing a story about the echo, and the reporter kept on saying how alexa could turn on the thermostat or alexa could give a news summary. so people who had an echo at home, their alexa started turning on the thermostat or giving a news summary. apparently the echo doesn't care
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you say it's name. people watching tonight who own so... alexa, set reminder to watch "the late show with stephen 11:35 p.m. on cbs. forever. ( cheers and applause ) alexa, order me the earthquaker with 212-c.c., 4-cycle viper engine. i will pay for expidited shipping. alexa, read me pi to the five millionth digit.en if i tell you to. ( laughter ) alexa, turn down the lights, turn up the heat, and start then, alexa, in nine months, order diapers. ( laughter ) see if any of that wor any of that works.ed you guys a first, from "the divergent series: allegiant," i'll be
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theo james, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) "empire," jussie smollett is here. ( cheers and applause ) then we'll hear a musicaly laurie anderson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) come on. i love that sound. that's our friend jonstay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause )o kick this show off, but before they do, one more thing. af york and saving a woman from getting hit by a taxi just this past week, ryan gosling saved a dog who was running loose through traffic. it's all part of his effort to has sex.
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theo james. and a musical performance by laurie anderson. ing jon batiste and stay human. now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"!eers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how areright over there? thank you so much. thank you for your energy, ladies and gentlemen. i will take it tonight. because i'm tell you, as we were talking before, i am feeling can tell because i sound
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oh, that is good!ns a little. ( laughter ) now, i actually went to the doctor at the beginning of this week. this is meredith, one of myybody. say hi to meredith. ( cheers and applause ) y went to my doctor on monday, and he actually looked me over and i said, "what is going on actually said-- he checked my vitals, and he said there's nothing actually wrong with me. and i said, what, does that mean?" and he said, "i'ven't have a fever. nothing wrong with your nose up here. nothing wrong with your throat. nothing wrong with your lungs. this is just what you're like it hasn't been identified yet. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. maybe i've got something new and exciting. >> and it can maybe be named after you. >> stephen: oh, yeah. that would be fun. some people get a street.
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that's a happy thought. this show know that i am a big fan of "the bachelor." we talk about it all the time." relaxes me like no other show. >> stephen: it does. >> just all thoughts go out of my head completely when i watchlike watching "the bachelorette" too. i liked the grease n they bring in. i want to see those guys. >> i like "the bachelor," because i like sort of in thehen it's about, maybe, like 10 girls, and then-- they're all uniting to try to get this one bad seed out, like the kind of girl that just to get, like, five minutes of alone time. i feel like her name's alexa,en: alexa would be a great name. how do you feel-- we talked about this the other night. we didn't get a chance to talk.
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>> great. they were both good choices. >> stephen: i was on team lauren from the beginning. you would be happy-- you would want to wish them happiness? >> stephen: well, you can. they're right here in the audience right now, there's ben and lauren right there from "the bachelor." congratulations. >> thank you!lations. >> thank you, stephen. all the happiness. very nice, very you saw it on tv. of course, the reality show everyone's talking about is the presidential election.of primaries last night. five states voted, so people were calling it "super tuesday part three," and like all sequels, it's gettinge, and very expensive. on the democratic side hillary shut out bernie, five to zip, including florida. it is just so sad to see berniee people he most
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( laughter ) ( applause ) meaning, meanwhile, over on the interestingd a huge night. the size of the hugeness, large.on four out of five states, and then delivered a stirring victory tantrum. >> nobody has ever, ever in the history of politics, received the kind of negativeg that i have. and you explain it to me because i can't. my numbers went up. i don't understand it. nobody understands it. >> we agree with you. ( cheers and applause ) what's happening! what's happening!mething to do with the great endorsements donald's getting.instance, former candidate and man always looking directly
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he came to he came to support trump. >> i have to look at what is who i like-- or for rubio-- who i like. is there another scenario that i would have preferred? isn't available. ( cheers and applause )h endorsement. "i'll tell you what, the bar's about to close. you're not get anything younger, and neither am i. let's get married." carson wasn't the only one >> the way i look at it, even if donald trump turns out not to be such a great preside four years. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. much can go wrong in four years? world war ii just flew by. ( laughter )e as trump may
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went to its governor, john kasich. first and only win, for the governor, after which kasich mad a pretty bold claim. tell you something. we are going to go all the way to cleveland and secure the republican's a riddle: what's round at both ends and has got to be high in the middle? because to secure the nomination at the convention in cleveland, this summer, kasich would have to get remaining delegates. we'd have to make him governor of every remaining state, plus some states we don't even have yet. he's looking very good in north kentucksylvania and massachippissippi.
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massachippissippi. we are so proud of our craw dads and our chowder. massachippissippi will rise again. forget the odds. last night, kasich was the man of the houctory rally. there he is, the only one who can possibly stop donald trump. the governor-- and he's gone. and he's gone.sich swallowed in a storm of confetti, there's only one candidate left who can stop donald trump. and ted cruz. oooh! oooh!
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( cheers and applause ) ( laughter )re's the deal, mathematically cruz is the only guy remaining who can beat donald trump, and he's got a message for every other republican.e you to join us to come together. we welcome you with open arms. come join us. we welcome you with open arms. we would welcome you to our team.ith open arms. we welcome you to our teams. we welcome you with welcome and opening arms.: yes, come. children. i welcome you with open arms. shhh!ome butterscotch. i'm your father now. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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every single anti-trump votercould get. enough delegates to be the nominee. then the g.o.p. establishment can say, goodbye, candidate we don't like. hello, candidate we can't stand. but if cruz can't do it, there is one other way to deny trump the nomination: a brokered convention.ate wins a primary, he wins delegates party convention, but only for the first ballot. so if donald trump doesn't gethe first round of voting, they're all free it on vote for whoever. the republican campaign could start all over again-- only this time crammed into a week. so you can binge watch the death of the g.o.p. ( cheers and applause ) , of course,-- republicans don't like calling it a brokered
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they have a much nicer name.. perspective, we're going to continue to prepare for all contingencies, including an open convention. >> i think it's an open convention. >> we could have an open convention. >> stephen: i'm sorry, not brokered, open.don't have a broken marriage. we have an open marriage. ( cheers and applause )scussed it, but it'll spice things up to bring in an outsider. trusting each other even more. stronger. stronger. we'll be right back with theo james. hink boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? (dog yawns) no, we're not having barbecue... again. (dog groans) why?e you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. plays four in the wildly popular "divergent" series. starting this friday, you can see him in the third film "allegiant." please welcome theo james. applause ) tephen: thanks for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i really enjoy
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my wife and kids we go see thething i want to ask you is you guys do a lot of action. do you do your own stunts and that kind of stuff? >> i do, yes. mainly my c lot of head-butting people so that's pretty simple. >> stephen: you know what surprised me? your me. you're really good at having an american accent. >> thank you. >> stephen: that threw me for a second. you suddenly got a tiny bitu know for americans the english accent is sexy. >> yes. >> stephen: are we alone in that? >> i don't know. it's funny.lege here for a year and i remember he came back and he was like, "it's like cipt night." the opposite ofyptonite will kill you. >> stephen: it's sex tonight. >> yeah, i've never found it to be -- >> helpful? >> no, not particularly. >> steph it because you already have a raw masculinity that i identify with. ( laughter )
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industry insiders are calling next brad pitt. first of all, two questions-- one, does brad know? two, who are these industry insiders who are saying this is my mother. >> stephen: oh, oh, that's good. mom's got to do that for you. >> exactly. i think i would be the greek bradd dopolopus. not quite as sexy. >> stephen: your parents, were they all for you being an actor because it's kind of an unstablebe? >> yeah, they were. i went into-- you know, i trained at a drama school and before i did that, after iid i was going to be a musician. and my parents were like, "how are you going to be a musician?" and i said, "i'll find out." acting at university? >> no, so i studied something else at university and i went on to do -- >> what did you study? >>en: oh, so acting is >> yeah you. >> stephen: can't open a philosophy shop.
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>> stephen: i like the idea of a philosopher and then becoming an actor. that's really good because you're always questioning the actor. it seems like kind of a natural extension. >> i think there is some of that and it makes you generally a little bit more reflective, and your way-- i mean, it makes you a little bit more cynical but you can digest it in a more broadway and i think that is useful for an kind of what we have to do. >> stephen: right, and sometimes you also need to shoot people and blow things up. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: which happens in this movie. now, you play >> stephen: four. >> exactly. >> >> stephen: that's an odd name for you. i think some of the ladies out there might think you're a 10.) >> stephen: so four is in love with tris. >> he is, yes. i don't know why i said it likether-- "he is, yes." >> stephen: you were in character that fast. ( laughter ) but she's actually doing-- she's
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secondary action star. >> yeah, exactly. >> stephen: mao does that feel? you know, you're say you're from sort of a macho family. a bag and stuff in the background. >> stephen: and carrying her at times. >> and carrying her, yes. >> stephen: we have a clip here where it ends up you carry ahan baggage. ( cheers and applause ): do you do that
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and climb up the walls and that kind of stuff? >> we did all that. >> stephen: do you like it? >> yeah, around so much as an actor in trailers waiting. it's nice to kind of do stuff. >> stephen: how much of this is like you in a jant green roomassionately to ping-pong balls glued to a stick? fair amount of that? >> a lot of that. >> stephen: "i love you ping-pong balls glued to a stick!" >> tears in my eyes and in this one there is more of that. you have to trust yourself pause half the time you feel i feel stephen: it takes place in >> right. >> stephen: and you have different factions there. but the funny thing to me is i a long time and nobody had chicago accent in the whole entire thing. you would be going, "i'll tell you what, you're a you gotta save all of us, right?" >> that's a good accent.
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chicago accent at all? >> all i can say istephen: will you're done. you're done. you're so cool. ( applause ) you say you didn't train as an actor in it was philosophy. did you train afterwards? >> yeah i went to a -- >> a fancy onyou do the trust circles and that kind of thing? >> they made us do some horrendous stuff, some stuff i still have not recoverede us-- so many weird exercises. there was one where they made us sit down in a big circle and it was the second day and we didn'tit was called the circle of love and you had to turn to the person next to you and tell them four things about you that you loved. and being a bunch off them were really serious with tears in their eyes and they got to me and i said, "i really need to vomit." stephen: well, we're
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now, theo. an acting exercise, i'll say something i love about you, and love about me, okay? ( laughter ) ( laughter )t feels like a warm blanket. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> um... your salt and pepper feels smooth like the ocean. ( cheers and applause ) i haven't felt it yet. i kind of copied yours. >> stephen: that's good. that was there. we can stop there. >> i have more. >> stephen: we'll throw the cameras off and keep going for a while. >> "the divergent series: allegiant" is in theaters this friday. theo james, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) "the divergent series:
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everybody. my next guest is a very talent ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ed actor and singer who stars had in "empire" on fox. >> it's not even noon. you're already down on that. >> you want one? >> no. what's wrong? >> would you be mad if i ran for >> first you vote cod dad out. now you want to take his job? that's a little messy, don't youht of all he's done to me in my life. he deserves worse. >> stephen: please welcome jussie smollett. ( cheers and applause ) hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
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hi to band. >> that's my man right there,u guys know each other? >> we did the c.r. fashion spread and he played piano for bruce weber. >> stephen: i'm not surprised. jon is very he really is. >> stephen: things are going very well for you, congratulations. >> so far, so good. >> stephen: a hit tv show, playing jamal lyons on you just got your first record deal with columbia. you write songs. how many of their songs have been on "empire." >> four the first season, eight thisephen: that is amazing. congratulations. >> give me that publishing money! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and, and if you ever need anygot a big family behind you. >> a huge family. >> stephen: now what, do you guys call yourselves? >> the smolletts. but the nickname is small stephen: i've got a picture here from a show you guys all did together. >> oh, no. >> stephen: now, what year is this? this is you and your brothers and sisters.
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it was called "on our own." was it a tv show on abc? >> tgif. are your sublings. jussie, jazz, jojo, journey, jake, and jockey. >> and that's the great comedian harris in the middle. >> stephen: playing aunt jalcinda. do all you guys guys still in show business? >> most of us. and my older brother runaise nonprofit. and my younger brother helps run a tech company. ones. >> stephen: there are a lot of people to have your back. >> absolutely. >> stephen: which must be nice. >> absolutely. >> stephen: how would you compare your family, the small nation, to thed take who in a fight? because there are some tough >> all right, this is tricky, but let me explain this. we would beat the lyons' ass, you why. >> stephen: they're watching. they watch this show every night. >> they're like, word?
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i' lyons are constantly at each other's throats. we have a unified situation. and, yes, liewshuous would possibly pull out a gun and shoot you in the ibut that's not my older brother has arms the size of two of my thighs. so, i mean, i think we would be all right. and i sure could beat jamal's ass >> absolutely, absolutely. >> stephen: wow, wow. does he know? >> i think-- jamal, yeah, you know? yeah, he knows. he did this come about? how does everybody end up in the same sitcom together? >> you know, there started beinge journey was on a little show named "full house." and she played michelle's best friend. they were seeing us around, and my mom was taking us alle was like, "i can't do this anymore. either it has to be all together or not." and the next thing we know we're
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old-ass white men and -- >> i've been in that meeting. >> i'm sure youen: i'm one of them. ( laughter ) >> you're off-white steve glen i'm mother of pearl. >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. it's an honor. >> so we went in, and my mother is aous activist, you know, unity for all. >> stephen: oh, yeah, serious, very strong-- >> i don't know why we went in and we sang down" by public enemy. >> stephen: for your audition. >> yes. >> stephen: for these old white men. >> but, yothey loved it. so, apparently, theymented totoo, because we got our-- we got our holding deal with abc. then we got our tv show. and i guess they didn't like it no more because they canceleden: they did. >> and that's that. >> stephen: they shut you down. >> they shut us down.
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we're going to shut youyour mom supported black panthers and you grew up have an activist sort of feel responsibility in your position of being a public figure to speak out on political issues? >> absolutely. i feel more than anything a responsibility as a citizen of this nation and a human being ofknow, it's so important. ( cheers and applause ) it's important, you know. we all live in this world toge time, if we would all pull together, we probably wouldn't have the reality show of a presidential campaign that we have right now. i-- ( applause ). >> stephen: you're probably right, probably right. i'm not sure what i'd be talking about every night.ughter ). >> yeah, it's really good for comedians. >> stephen: it really is. it really is. isn't that sad? isn't that sad? >> you knowingle, you know, political campaign is good for comedians because it's just ridiculous when you think about it. but this is on another level.he fifth presidential campaign i've been
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you think, it's not going to get crazier than this. thentrain to crazy town. >> that's when the political campaigns have gone from the real world to "reallove you cynthia. >> stephen: don't you say anything bad about "the bachelor." >> where are they? good, y'all. >> stephen: well, congratulations. "empire," season 2, march 30.ybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ow! [ music playing ] yeah, we rocking right now. ' in a rhythm to a funky flow. who needs to think when your feet just go? i gotcha, i gotcha, i gotcha, i gotcha! who needs to think when your feet just go? wooo! hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for
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like a lot of people i wanted to be an astronaut every since i was a little kid so i was pretty excited recently when nasa going to be sending people to mars whie 2030. ( cheers and applause ) but then i found out they're going to mars involves somenditions-- cramped pods, horrible food, and the chance you may not come back alive. so it's kind of like a carnival nasa announced they just started the selection process but we might be getting closer to figuring out the perfect candidate for this important mission because i just read--
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to mars, because apparently the martian day is 37 minutes longer than the earth day so people who ll have a harder time adjusting than eye night owl. if you're a young, eager, go-getter, nasa does not want you. rest of us are a little sick of you, too. ( laughter ) that's not the only requirement. nasa also says that they wantwho eat meat and aren't gluten-intolerant or lactose-intoleracause if colonists discover life on mars, we don't want them to do something stupid like not eat it. so we're starting to get a picture of the kind of late-sleeping, meat-eating colonist nasad to mars, and i'm proud to say we are joined by one of the top candidates for the mars mission. please welcome astronaut barnett. donnie.
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please, have a seat.) thanks for taking the time to be here, donnie. >> stephen: all right, yeah, that's nice. that's a nice tool you have there. >> thank you for having me, stephen. i'm just glad i was able to wakeer ). >> stephen: it's almost midnight, donnie. >> yeah, not on mars, kemosabe. >> stephen: you say you're one donnie? >> well, i've been training hard, stephen. i've been training ever since i got fired at the food truck. they should have put that sign that says, "wash your hands,"ld see it! >> stephen: so, donnie, is the training hard for the mission? >> i'm not going to lie, stephen. i mean, you gotta really wantk. i wake up between 9:00 and 11 p.m. i watch "bones," then i order a little hut-- meat lovers, then i pet the dog, invite the
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the dog for the hut. ( laughter ) and them, before you know it, in bed, sleeping like a little baby. >> stephen: what about the the psychological isoleffects of being alone? are you used to being alone? >> i'm going to be honest with you, stephen, i've been alone since i messed things up withtotal isolation. i mean, she shove put the sign that says, "wash your hands," where you could see it! >> stephen: i can tell you're >> no, no, no. it's better. she always wanted to do it in the morning, and i was like, "i'm on mars time, baby."ss her? >> have you ever seen "total recall?" >> stephen: yeah, i've seen that movie. >> they've got ones up there with three, stephen. uno, dos, >> stephen: what was that, uno what. >> uno, dos, tres. >> stephen: they speak spanish on mars.
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with the tic, tack, toe. akunasppphen: it's a wonderful word, it's a wonderful word. you know that's just a movie,they couldn't make a movie out of it if it wasn't real. don't you know anything about movies. ( beeping ).hat sound? >> that's my meat beeper. all right, i've got to get back to training. ( laughter ) do you want a steakve got one of these in here. leave the little part for your: i'm good, donnie. i'm good. thank you very much. well, it was an honor to meet a real astronaut, donnie. thank you for being here. ( laughter )rnett, everybody. ( cheers and applause )
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everybody. my next guest is a world-famous artist, musician, and filmmaker.
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rson. ( applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. >> good to be here. may know you as being like-- what people call a quintessential performance artist. but you don't like that term. what do you like to callry to avoid titles, you know. but multimedia. >> stephen: multimedia. i'll take that. >> but that's meaningless, you everybody is multimedia arts, pretty much, no? >> stephen: you tell me. you're the multimedia artist. many of the ways you transformed you played the violin. >> yes. >> stephen: and you transformed it in many ways. this is one of the transformations you had. this was from 1979, i believe, and this is called the vio-phonewhat are you doing to this violin here? >> well, that's a turntable mounted on a violin, and the needle is in the bow so you play sounds pretty terrible.
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review you're giving yourself there. ( laughter ) this one, people will also, very famous for your tape bow i havethere is the actual reading head of the tape is actually on the violin. and the bow is what? >> the bow is a piece of audioorth. and when i tried to convince orchestras to play it they were like, no, no, no. i said this really ise it a shot. so some played with it. >> stephen: why did you want to transform your instrument that much? >> just for fun.u're doing something that's really fun. you're doing music for dogs. >> yeah. >> stephen: why-- why-- >> it's super -- >> what does it mean, "music for >> well, it's a different thing each time. and i started out doing it because i was giving a speech, and i wase green room. it was super boring and i'm wearing that, you know, mortar
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it was supposed to be a commencement speech and i was because i was supposed to tell all of these artists-- don't worry about your student loan. you're anything to wipe that out right cellist yoyo mawas there. and because it was going on and on for hours, i said i have this a concert, i look out and the whole audience is dogs. ( laughter ) and he said, "i have that fantasy too?" i said, "really?get to do it first ipviets the other one." so actually, i invited him to come tonight but he was busy. he's busier than iughter ) so he-- anyway, i was invited to direct a big festival in sydney, to invite all my favorite artists and film makers and writers and i said to the producer, "and i alsodo a concert for dogs." he department say, "concert for dogs?
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for dogs." so we did this show, and we hundred dogs would show up. thousands of dogs showed up, thousands of dogs. >> stephen: by themselves orll by themselves. actually, it was a wonderful show because they were really primed to like it because the whole week, "we're going to a show, and you're going to love it! "so they were like ready, you have also done a film, also called "heart of a dog," correct? >> yes. >> stephen: you have awe little fantasy. you think about what dogs sound little clip right jim. >> some trainers say that in order to understand your breerkd you have to imagine what their voices would sound they'd say to you when you give them a command. so give a command to a german shepard, and he'd say, "right,roblem. consider it done." give a command to a peeled and it's, "please love me.
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love command to a terrier, and they say, "um, is it going to bes not going to be fun, i'm just nothter ). >> stephen: are you a terrier? >> that's where i got it from, yes. ( applause ). >>is there a tune particularly for the dogs, played in a way that we can't? >> i don't know. no. >> stephen: no, no? >> i'm not sure. ( laughter ) >>, i'd still like to hear it. would you play something for us? >> yes, i would love to. >> stephen: jim, cross-fade. and now here with a special song fordies and gentlemen, and canines, laurie anderson.
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) >> stephen: that was beautiful, laurie, thank you so much. "hea 25 on hbo. laurie alnderson, everybody.
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we asked a group of young people start saving for retirement. then we asked some older people when they actually this gap between when and when we actually do is one of the reasons why too many of us aren't prepared for retirement. it's going to pay off in the future. if we all start saving a little more today, we'll all be better prepared tomorrow. prudential.
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late show."morrow when my guests will be william h. macy, actress melissa rauch, and fashion designer isaac mizrahi. james corden is coming up next. stickight. llo, good evening, and welcome to the "late, late show." tonight is our last show of our first year on the air. and to celebrate we're going to people. now this might not work.


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