tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> we believe in hillary clinton. so we made something for her and for you. enjoy. this is for hillary. ? dum-dum-dum like a small boat ? on the ocean sending big waves ? drum-drum-drum bass ? hi-hat bass >> stephen: ? i want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs ? this is our fight song take back my life song starting right
>> i did not agree to appear in this. i was just told to wait here with these things on my ears. no one mentioned this is part of the weirdly earnest a cappella song for clinton. awful. >> what the hell! we talked at the a cappella meeting. i was going to have the hat and the hair >> ? this is our fight song ? >> again, i did not agree to be part of this. this song is going to irritate people. >> it's the "late show" with tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver. jai courtney. and charlamagne tha god. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 democratic national convincing. death, taxes, hillary.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." hey, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, paul. thank you, mark. what's up, jon? what's up, joe? what's up, jon? what's up, joe? hey! hey, everybody! oh! you've got to love it. it's electric. wooo! you can feel it. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. welcome to "the late show."
i'm your host stephen colbert we are live on night three of the democratic national convention. ( cheers and applause ) last night, hillary clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party. ( cheers and applause ) it was-- yay, pretty exciting. you really felt it. it was an historic moment covered by all the papers. i've got them right here. let's see. first up, "the "wall str journal," had "hillary clinton wins nomination. and the photo. wow, there she is. hillary really looking presidential there for some reason. similar thing on "the washington post." "historic nomination for hillary clinton right there." then there's the "seattle times." "houston chronicle." "pittsburgh post-gazette."
all with no photo of hillary clinton. if she wins, i expect her inauguration coverage to read, "justice roberts performs historic swearing in of unidentified woman." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do with all this newspaper on the floor. i think that's a fire hazard. now, the democrats had big names tonight. my old friend joe biden gave a moving speech. ( cheers and applause ) a moving speech that posed the eternal question: why can't joe biden be the nominee?" and uncle joe wasted no time going after donald trump. >> he's trying to tell us he cares about the middle class? give me a break! that's a bunch of malarkey! ( applause ) >> stephen: what?
joe, please, don't drop the "m" word. we're live. next he's going to say fawlderal, i can't believe it. and he closed with a rousing call to optimism. >> we are america, second to none! and we own the finish line! don't forget it! god bless you all. and may god protect our troops! come on! ( cheers and applause ) we're america! thank you! >> stephen: come on! come on! let's do this! come on! you gotta be kidding me! what are we doing! it's ridiculous, is what it is! what are we doing? oh, hey! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ?
now, joe, joe loves loving. and the theme of the night was love, which seemed to resonate a little better than the r.n.c. fear festival last week. it's almost as if-- and i'm just guessing here-- it's almost as if an audience wants to hear something other than their country is a giant flaming turd pile. some people like being told "we love each other, and everything is going to be okay." that's why, when you skinned your knee in 2nd grade, your mom didn't say, "we'reke isis is coming to kill us all." ( laughter ) ( applause ) my mom didn't. i don't know about. ( cheers and applause ) also tonight, hillary clinton's running mate virginia senator and loose-fit khakis model, tim kaine was there. the thrilla who's vanilla! now, see if you can guess which demographic they're hoping tim
( speaking spanish ) >> stephen: they're pushing this spanish thing so hard that tonight they introduced him by breaking him out of a pinata. ( laughter ) ( applause ) finally, finally-- and finally, the moment we all were waiting for, president barack obama who- - gave a great speech. did you see it? amazing speech. he reminisced about his time in office. >> you fell for my brilliant wife and partner michelle. ( cheers ) who somehow has not aged a day. ( cheers ) i know. the same cannot be said for me. >> stephen: it's true. he has aged. jimmy, can we see a photo of him in 2008? there you go.
yikes! oh! that's without the makeup. that's without the makeup. you didn't see that? you have to see him without his makeup. that's what he looks like. he wasted no time building up hillary clinton's credentials. >> you know, nothing truly prepares you for the demands of the oval office. you can read about it, you can but until you've sat at that desk, you don't know what it's like to manage a global crisis or send young people to war. but hillary's been in the room. >> stephen: and i'm pretty sure she used to sit at my desk when i was asleep. ( laughter ) ( applause ) gotta-- things would move. things would move around. ( cheers and applause ) adjust the chair.
obama was joined on stage by a surprise guest, hillary clinton. that is nice. that is a really lovely moment. and maybe tomorrow, you know, she'll be on a newspaper. ( laughter ) it's nice for her to get in there. of course, tonight's theme was "working together," which they stole from vladimir putin and donald trump. because, in case you haven't heard, in case this is news for you, the latest in the d.n.c. email scandal is that. is the f.b.i. suspects russia. and it's easy to imagine putin and trump teaming up. after all, what's annexing crimea if not a very aggressive real estate deal? putin fans here tonight evidently. of course, we don't know for sure they're colluding. all we know is that the hacking
bear." cozy bear and fancy bear? hold on, wait a second. jimmy, put up a picture of vladimir putin. cozy bear! now put up trump. fancy bear! oh, my god. it all makes sense! even more suspicious-- even more suspicious than that. even more suspicious, putin was recently spotted hunting trump's next hairpiece. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but there's absolutely no proof that donald trump is colluding with russian intelligence in secret. he's doing it in public. >> russia, if you're listening, i hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. >> stephen: also, those boner pills didn't work the way you said they would. ( laughter )
if anything-- if anything-- if anything, they made my hands even smaller. ( laughter ) still, still, i gotta say, it would be great to see hillary's deleted emails. and, russian hackers, while you're at it, see if you can dig up donald trump's tax returns. ( cheers and applause ) stick around, everybody. we'll be right back. with a very special announcement. ? ? ? what's up schumer? okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sister's kids (makes farting noise) and they like keep talking about back to school shopping? back to school is like our red carpet. just go to old navy. they have like the coolest back to school clothes up to 60% off.
ice! don't say "noice." sounds stank! no... stop. okay. um. guess what! we're going to old navy. who's excited? who wants to go shopping? america thought our pancakes were pretty special. but we knew we could do better. so we did. we made denny's new pancakes 50% fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. if you disagree, the cakes are free.
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welcome to the live show. it feels alive. welcome to the live "late show" everybody. after the third night of the national convention, before we go any further. jon you have very special guests. >> jon: we have rock 'n' roll hall of famer, grammy award winner, hip-hop legend, d.m.c. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for b thank you so much. folks, i'm really enjoying these live convention shows. you liking them? ( cheers and applause ) they're electric. and one moment that i really enjoyed last week was the return of "stephen colbert," the host of the "colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) i'm glad you liked it. i'm glad you enjoyed it. i'll tell you, you know who didn't enjoy it so much? corporate lawyers.
immediately after that show, cbs's top lawyer was contacted by the top lawyer from another company to say that the character "stephen colbert" is their intellectual property, which is surprising. because i never considered that guy much of an intellectual. so it is with a heavy heart that i announce that, thanks to corporate lawyers, the character of stephen colbert, host of the "colbert report," will never be seen again. >> audience: no! (booing) >> stephen: i understand. i understand. listen, i feel the same way, but what can i do? the lawyers have spoken. i can't reasonably argue i own my face or name. ( laughter ) and as much as i'd like to have that guy on again, i can't. so instead, joining me now, live via satellite from philadelphia, please welcome, stephen colbert's identical twin cousin,
give it up, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello. >> stephen: thank you for joining me, stephen. >> you're welcome, stephen. hello, america. hello, colbert country! stay strong! be brave! >> stephen: now, i just want to be clear here, are you not the guy who had a television show for a decade. >> absolutely not, stephen. that's my twin cousin. this is my first appearance on television ever. how am i doing, america? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're doing great. now, identical twin cousin, how does that work? >> it's simple, stephen. our moms were identical twins who married identical twin husbands. then had sex at the exact same moment and gave us the same name. >> stephen: okay. that checks out. ( laughter ) but let's just make sure you're definitely not him.
lorrena. >> stephen: he went to dartmouth. >> i applied to dartmouth. >> stephen: okay, so totally different guy. >> totally different guy. also, pretty sure he's gay. nothing wrong with that. just saying he talked about it a lot. where there's smoke there's fire. >> stephen: i'll take your word for it. >> most of all, stephen, i want you to know i'm happy to be here tonight to save this country and join " >> stephen: wait a minute. so you want to be a permanent part of this show? >> stephen, whenever you need me, wild horses, ridden by corporate lawyers, could not keep me away. >> stephen: well, you're a good man. >> yes, i am. >> stephen: thank you. stephen colbert's twin cousin. stephen colbert, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> have a great show, everybody! you're a damn fine looking man, by the way. >> stephen: he's a good guy. he's a good guy.
but it would have been great to have that other guy with the tv show. i really like some of the bits he used to do. but, again, what can i do in the face of corporate lawyers? which brings us to tonight's werd: the lesser of two evils. folks, the two weeks of political conventions are drawing to a close, and we now know one thing for certain: we know this november it will b hillary clinton against donald trump. and polls show that many of us have already chosen the outcome we really want. we want neither. both clinton and trump have historically low approval ratings. in fact, 52% of trump supporters say they're only voting for him because they don't want hillary to win. and i don't blame them for that soft support. donald trump is a hard man to
meanwhile, 56% of hillary supporters say they just don't want donald trump to win. hillary's critics see her as untrustworthy, selfish, and too willing to bend the rules. ( laughter ) meanwhile, donald trump's critics say he's prejudiced, unprepared, and has the wrong temperament for a president. think about it. it's not like anyone's going to change their minds about these two. decades-old brands. if you don't like wonder bread, you're not going to like president wonder bread. same goes for the new mcdonald's angry meal. let's face it, let's face it. ( cheers and applause ) both candidates know it. that's why this is expected to be the most negative campaign in american history. hillary clinton will say things.
trump will attack hillary's integrity. ( laughter ) this negativity could likely turn away voters from the polls. but there is another option. ( cheers and applause ) since many americans can't bring themselves to vote for a candidate, this year, i say, we should change the system. n against the candidate you don't want. then at the end of election day, we just count all the "against" votes, and the candidate with the lowest score becomes president. it makes voting like golf-- if-- on the outside chance they do not institute my plan, no matter how you feel about the candidates, please, you still have to go to the polls on
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>> stephen: welcome! i didn't mean-- i know-- >> absolutely right. >> stephen: i didn't mean to interrupt your dance break. i know at heart, you're really just a hoofer. >> i speak with my body. when my body feels the beat, it expresses that beat, and it does that with whatever this is. >> stephen: okay, did you watch- - did you watch the convention tonight? >> i did, i did. i've just been watching it backstage. where are my kaine-iacs in the audience. that is the view of tim kaine in america. "oh, yeah? he spoke tonight?" i don't know if you saw him, if he's going to be america's step- dad, that was an exemplary performance. the dad jokes and expressions that came out of that man's soft
he is a tall glass of lactaid. his donald trump impression doesn't just not sound like donald trump. i don't think it sounds like anybody. ( laughter ) i would buy-- he even-- he did a dad flex at the end where the only thing he was flexing was his face. he went... we did it! ( cheers ) that guy. tim kaine. that's the star of the evening. >> stephen: yeah. >> forget the president. tim kaine is where it's at. >> stephen: did you watch joe biden? >> sure, but again, i can't-- no, no, tim kaine -- >> stephen: no joe biden. >> joe biden was fine. >> stephen: feelings. >> i nevermented to be called scamp by someone as much as i have. >> stephen: hey, sport. >> bedtime, scamp, late. >> stephen: assistant manager of a local hardware store? >> exactly. here, i'll open your beer. i'd rather you drank it here with me. >> stephen: so he's the cool step-dad. >> he's as cool as could possibly be.
that man. >> stephen: he can do it. he can do it. >> i think he must have been frisked on the way out. "tell me you do not have it with you, tim." they want to hear it. i promise you, they don't want to hear it. we'll slap it out of your mouth. >> stephen: that's your impression of hillary clinton? >> that's right. i will open hand slap it out of your mouth. i so wanted to him hear say, "i hereby accept the nomination for ? ? ? ? i accept the nomination ? >> except my impression of a harmonica is more like a tim kaine impression because it sounds nothing like a harmonica or anything. >> stephen: that's because you're trying on play your fingernails but you can't do that. >> like a stubby flute. >> stephen: did you watch last week? did you watch the republican convention last week? did you enjoy that? >> i did. i think that's why i needed tim kaine so badly. i just needed a break from
this has been 18 months of hell, and i needed step-dad to come in and tell me it was going to be okay before flexing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what was interesting to me was that this week from the democrats, they-- they did the thing that you always do in a political convention that the republicans forgot to do, which is to say, "great country. it's going to be greater." >> it's an incredible thing to forget to say for four days. ( laughter ) to get to the end of four days and go, "we definitely said we loved america, right? check the tape. we must have said it. we say it all time. why would we not have said it." >> stephen: i thought you were going to say it. >> you definitely said it. >> stephen: i was going to say a flaming poop pile. >> someone said it, i'm sure. we must (no audio) we said it. >> stephen: one think we didn't say is "s" "h" because this is
>> stephen: thank you for being here for my last broadcast. what an honor you're my last guest. >> because of hbo, you got off lightly with that curse word. it could have been a lot worse. >> stephen: you've have some great shows lately but one of the things that stands out for me is that you actually use the power of your perch. >> yes. >> stephen: to help a russian warlord find a-- >> chechen warlord. it's a geographical gray area. >> stephen: the russians-- >> putin would say you'r >> stephen: well, vlad and i go way back. you actually helped a warlord try to find his cat. >> well, what happened was-- ( laughter ) so a chechen warlord lost his cat, and he's, apparently, very active on instagram, which is objectively ludicrous. so we thought we would help him find his cat. >> stephen: and he tweeted you-- he instagrammed you. >> his account-- this is a chechen warlord's instagram
and again, think about that sequence of words and now nonsensical it should be. and he's very angry with me. >> stephen: why, you helped him find his cat. >> no, he's still not found it. >> stephen: and he blamed you? >> what we did was tell people if they saw any cat anywhere tweet and instagram him and say, "is this your cat?" ( cheers and applause ) he didn't-- he has -- in just a second because we're up against a hard break because we're live. but i understand you have this amazing news is that "gilmore girls" is launching. i'm a huge "gilmore girls" fan. >> who isn't. >> stephen: this was in the teaser trailer for "the gilmore girls." ? if you lead i will follow ? any, anywhere ? >> do you think john oliver would find me hot? ( cheers )
now? >> the answer is, yes, i do find you hot. and i'll tell you why. i'm a red-blooded male with an in-built heat detector, and my heat detector registers you as en fuego. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you know who would sound good saying that? tim kaine. john oliver, everybody. "last week tonight" airs sundays on hbo. we'll be rightk courtney from "suicide squad." ? ? ? ? bud light party here to discuss equal pay. women don't get paid as much as men and that is wrong. and we have to pay more for the same stuff. what? yeah. cars... what? dry cleaning... what? shampoo. what? you pay more but get paid less? that is double wrong. i'm calling everyone i know and i'm telling them about this.
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divergent series" and "terminator genisys." he is now in the star-studded "suicide squad." >> mind games. >> what's that? >> they're not real, mate. they want to trap our minds. >> how do you know this? >> just trust me. i know. now, i'm gone. because i've got a life to live. the question is, are you coming? >> yeah. >> smart. >> stephen: please welcome, jai courtney. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: all right, i want to
that's-- that's typecasting. ( laughter ) boomerang. they could have called you captain kangaroo. i mean, you're australian. >> they couldn't call me captain kangaroo. yeah, and, listen, i'm glad it went to an aussie. we spend so much time trying to steal roles off the americans. it wouldn't have surprise me if they sort of flipped the switch there. >> stephen: did you actually train with a boomerang? >> of course,. >> stephen: will is there a trick-- without killing anybody in the room, what's the trick. >> i >> stephen: you can't. don't throw it. how are you supposed to hold this damn thing. >> you hold it like that. >> stephen: like this? like that? >> like that. and hopefully-- well, you know, hopefully you hit your target. but if you don't, you want to hope that it comes back. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i've got a question for you-- there this movie there are people who can shoot flames for, like, 100 feet with their hands, and guys who can shoot you at, you know, 4,000 feet.
( laughter ) does he-- >> he throws boomerangs. ( laughter ) >> stephen: give me that. give me that! give me that! i understand-- is there-- i've been talking to a couple of other cast members. intense training program. david ayer, the director, put you guys through an intense regimen both physically and mentally. what did he do to you guys? >> he had us in martial arts training. we were interrogated by detectives. >> stephen: really like interrogated? >> kind of. it's all part of this process. and there were these sessions that were happening and people were kind of walking out of them like it was some bizarre sort of therapy. and everyone was saying, "did you see the police guy?" and, you know, there's -- >> is he-- is he running a cult? >> i mean, he might be. i don't know. i'm in, though. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you guys actually become close, the-- >> yeah we became very close.
it's kind of-- it's a little cliche, but it's kind of good to be promoting a movie where you're not, you know, falsifying the fact that you really all got along. >> stephen: i wouldn't know, i wouldn't know. you have lied often in interviews? >> never, never. >> stephen: i'd believe anything you said to me right now. >> i get along with everyone. for real. we're good friends. that's the truth! that's the truth! >> stephen: i can't tell now. i can't tell now. how about the fans? do you guys just did comic-con. you did the big room, haul "h," right? >> it's wild down there. >> stephen: did you have fun interactions with the fans? did they let the fans at you? >> they do a little. there was a great competition. a costume-- i should give a shout-out to ricky. he won the comp for his captain boomerang. the lengths people went to. >> stephen: did he do an australian accent, too? >> no, his accent was-- was--
accent? >> it's all right. >> stephen: give it a shot. >> no way, man. >> stephen: come on. i'll try australian if you try american. i'll try it, okay? ( cheers and applause ). >> people pay me a lot of money to do an american accent on film. >> stephen: what! that's good. okay, i'll try. outback steakhouse is the best. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so are our bloomin' onions. that's not a knife. ( laught >> that's good, that's good. i'm impressed. that's not bad. >> stephen: you are good at lying. you're very good at it. congratulations. i can't wait to see the movie. >> thanks, man. >> stephen: it opens next friday. >> we're excited about it. >> stephen: jai courtney, thank you for joining us. "suicide squad" opens next friday. we'll be right back. thanks, man.
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good to see you again, my fellow south carolinian, my palmetto state. >> absolutely. thank you for having me again. >> stephen: i wish i had boiled peanuts. >> i had them over memorial day weekend. >> stephen: people who aren't from down there don't understand about boiled peanuts. i make them and i give them to my friends and they say, "oh, great, here comes colbert with more of his damp food." all right, so you have called, as i said, the last time you were on here you called yourself the prince of pissing people off, the ruler of rubbing you the wrong way, and the architect of aggravation. so i assume you are a trump supporter. >> no! >> stephen: he does all those things, too. he loves doing those things. >> no, absolutely not. i think donald trump is an insult to america's
i watched the republican national convention last week, and i'm watching the democratic national convention this week and i'm looking at all of these bright, experienced people at the d.n.c., whether it's joe biden, barack obama, michelle obama, elizabeth warren, bernie sanders. and i'm thinking, these experienced people are trying to convince us that they can run the country better than the star of "celebrity apprentice?" like, something's off about that. it's like kim kardashian telling i can play basketball better than lebron james and make the n.b.a. great again." ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: listen-- but you put her in the outfit, she might get some good ratings for trying to do it, you know? >> yeah, i can see that. >> stephen: trump it all about getting attention. >> and kim's ass gets attention, and trump's an ass, so makes sense. >> stephen: "a" equals "b" equals "c." you also pride yourself on
question that people aren't asking. what's the obvious question for hillary clinton that people aren't asking? >> the obvious question for me would be if i was hillary don't you want to look at america sometimes and say what the hell is wrong with you all? i clearly have the most experience out of this guy and i have to, once again, convince you all that i'm the person that can run this country? you know? >> stephen: she has trustworthiness problems. >> she does. >> stephen: why do you think-- her husband is like demonstrably, you know, disloyal and has said a few things that aren't true. why do you think he skates when the idea of untrustworthiness sticks to her? >> because bill clinton came out on arsenio years ago and played the saxophone. so that-- that really humanized him. and, you know-- >> stephen: but, honest to god, he skates by because he's charming? that's what it is? >> because he's charming and he has a lot of dirt on him in the white house and everybody remembers lewinsky. that humanized him as well.
and he got in trouble and people like him for it and why don't they like hillary for it. >> because guys can understand a guy getting some fellatio. >> stephen: is that okay? we're all good. >> i feel like hillary should talk about those things. it worked for beyonce. beyonce talked about her husband's infidelities. and we could say, "you know what, hillary, we feel you." >> stephen: she should drop her own lemonade. what about trump? what's the obvious question for trump that you would ask? >> how long have you had erectile dysfunction and the reason i say that only a man-- a man that is that angry and that hateful has to suffer from erectile dysfunction. there's no other excuse for it. >> stephen: what about barack obama? this is sort of his swan song. this was his last big speech tonight. he did a great job. he killed it.
years in office. >> i think barack did a great job, but i would say to barack-- ( applause ) -- do you feel like you made it look so easy that donald trump feels like he can do it? ( laughter ) you know what i'm saying? >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> or did you do such a bad job in somebody like donald trump's eyes he says, "you know what? i can do better than him," which is insulting to barack obama. >> stephen: there were some rough patches in there. it wasn't an easy eight ye you saw how he looked like eight years ago and now. >> absolutely. it's the presidency of the united states of america. it's not going to be easy. it's not going to be easy for whoever gets in the white house next. >> stephen: what was the highlight of the convention for you this week? >> the highlight of the convention for me? michelle obama's speech. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i think-- i think-- i think michelle obama is the epitome of what we call black girl magic. you know, she's --
>> yeah, she's beautiful. she's intelligent. she's got a great... what's serena williams got and beyonce got-- can i say ass? she's got a great ass. sorry, president barack obama, she does you know. >> stephen: know he can hear everything you are saying. he's got those big ears. he also has an army. so i would watch out i mean that in the nicest possible way. >> i mean that in the nicest possible way. she is the epitome of everything that is beautiful about black women, michelle obama. >> stephen: do you think she should run? >> no, i don't want her to age like barack has. she hasn't aged at all yet. but as soon as she becomes president, because she could win, she'd start aging like a white woman. i'm sorry. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. that is the architect of aggravation. "the breakfast club" is available on iheartradio.
charlamagne tha god, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ? ? ( applause ) i got shot down over vietnam and spent eleven months in a pow camp. what donald trump said about our members of the military being captured is a disgrace. he's a war
hero because he was captured. i like people that weren't captured. when you fly over enemy territory, the odds might be against you being able to come home.