tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs ? >> stephen: good morning, "late show." this is your host. today hu please listen attentively to this morning's announcements. for lunch today, we are having salisbury steak with potato fingers and carrot coins. there will be no dessert. we are having a pep rally for our first-string sponsors in the gym at 2:30. attendance is mandatory. would the following characters please report to my office:
hairspray-braham lincoln; and mr. jellybeans, gorilla-at-law. you've all been cut from tonight's show. ( audience reacts ) and to whoever keeps stealing my precious meow-mories collectable ceramic cat statues: i will find you, and i will end you. and now, as always, we end these "late show" morning announcements by reciting the cbs pledge. please stand. columbia broadcasting system. i will not swear. i will not be lewd. cbs all access is available online for $9.99 across a number of platforms. all hail the all-seeing eye. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!
eckhart, tig notaro, and ron suskind, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! ? ( cheers and applause ) what's up? what's up? what's up, jon? >> jon: you lookin' good! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! please, have a seat! you're very kind. welcome to "the late show," everybody. ( laughter ) i'm happy to say i'm your host stephen colbert. let's get right to it, the only news that matters: the cubs won the world series! ( cheers and applause ) that's right!
for the first time in a century, wrigleyville is covered in victory vomit! ( laughter ) congratulations, chicago! ( whispering ) i mean, congratulations, chicago. i know you just woke up. shhh. lay your head back down on that half-chewed italian beef and snuggle up to the goat you brought home. you earned it because last night -- everybody watch the ge? ( cheers and applause ) incredible! incredible! a grown man, i cried! last night was a storybook extra-innings world series classic-- a lead-off home-run, big leads swept away in seconds, rolling out the tarps in the bottom of the ninth, five hours of grown men chewing and spitting! between the rain delay and the gallons of saliva, joe madden had to go to the mound in water
and it all built up to an insane finale: after working through all their starters, the cubs had to swap out their closer, aroldis chapman, for this guy, who appears to be chapman's 11-year-old nephew who asked to pitch in the world series for his birthday-- but is carl edwards, jr. congratulations, carl. ( cheers and applause ) last night, the announcers gave us some perspective it's been since the cubs' last title. >> the cubs last won the world championship in 1908. who was alive in 1908? al capone was a nine-year-old. >> stephen: wow. al capone was one hard-living nine-year-old. the g-men must have got him on charges of hopscotch racketeering. people are wondering what
the top this year. well, it might have been their lucky stephen. ( cheers and applause ) the cubs were kind enough to come here and invite my friend donnie franks to wrigley. just saying. they hang out with me, they win the world series. it's math. ( applause ) plus, fun fact about meeting the cubs: in person, i am even smaller and weaker. ( laughter ) in addition to me, one of the major reasons the cubs won last night was because of their president of baseball operations, theo epsteen, who now owns the title of most famous theo. sorry, malcolm jamal warner. you had a good run. at the age of 28, epsteen became the red sox general manager and gave them a world series title, breaking the curse of the bambino. which, if you're not familiar with sports, is when babe ruth
boston harbor. the man who i paid to say i'm right says i'm right over there. okay. then epsteen moved onto the cubs, giving them their first world series title in 108 years, destroying the curse of the billy goat-- and the less famous curse of just sucking. ( laughter ) the tough one to shake. and you kne political season and you know who's from illinois and is a big cubs fan is hillary clinton. she's probably happy about this. ( cheers and applause ) could be a nice moment for her. and she could use any good news, since the f.b.i. announced they may have discovered more of her emails. she really should have hidden them wherever donald trump keeps his taxes. because we can't find those anywhere!
and there is some huge donald trump news, and that is that there is no donald trump news. it seems like donald trump is laying low right now. just listen to what he said at a rally yesterday. >> we are going to win the white house, going to win it. it's feeling like it already, isn't it? just-- we've got to be nice and cool. nice and cool, right? stay on point, donald, stay on point. ( laughter ) no sidetracks, donald. nice and easy. nice. >> stephen: "stay cool, donald. stay cool. nice and easy. don't say your inner thoughts out loud. whatever you do, don't refer to yourself in the third person. freaks voters out." those actually aren't voices in his head. they're his advisers telling him
he's imitating them. and we actually have some footage of a strategy session. >> play it cool, boy. ( laughter ) real cool. easy, action! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: easy! ( cheers and applause ) pow, pow! pow! easy, donald! easy, boy! boy, boy! crazy boy! ( drum beat ) it is like westside story because both candidates are from new york and much like the yes, it is, trump is about to rumble with hispanics. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: oh... >> stephen: point, is trump
to screw it up. in fact, while hillary has booked a big convention center for her election night celebration, a source familiar with trump's plans said his party will be relatively small because trump is superstitious, and doesn't want to jinx things. yes, donald trump is very superstitious. in fact, a black cat is the only pussy he won't grab. ( cheers and applause ) ? we've got a great show for you tonight. aaron eckhart is here. i'll be back to talk about all co election, so stick around! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thank you, gentlemen! jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up! best band on television! ( cheers and applause ) (singing) hey! welcome back. i stayed up pretty late last night. shocking election news, by the way. i just found this out, during the commercial break, the "new york times" broke the story that, according to "the clinton campaign bought the apartment below trump's to secretly record him." that's incredible! and with good reason. i made it up. but you believed it, right? why? because this is election is (bleep) insane! ( cheers and applause )
the time and somehow become news. a recent study found that hyperpartisan facebook pages are consistently feeding millions of followers false or misleading information. and the less truthful the content, the more frequently it was shared. i've never trusted my facebook feed. in fact, i'm beginning to think that dog didn't meet the real gumby. no one knows what's true anymore. no one knows what reality is. that's why it's been so easy to start these actual conspiracy theories about the election, like: does hillary clinton have a body double; donald trump's sabotaged microphone; the debate cocaine; google's pro-hillary algorithms; and the wackiest rumor of all, that donald trump has a 35% chance of being president! ( applause )
sound bad. like a one-third chance of him being president. think of it this way -- it's just like america playing russian roulette with two bullets. with all these paranoid theories swirling around, it's impossible to know what to believe, so why not believe everything? now you can! in my segment, the "late show presents 'stephen colbert's tinfoil hat.'" ( cheers a a as always, brought to you by reynolds wrap: keeps the radio signals out of your skull and all the flavor in. ( laughter ) the aliens will thank you when they pop a straw in your noggin to suck out your brains like a capri sun. welcome to the truth bunker. this is where i share the secret
know about, which have been revealed to me by my exclusive source: nyquil severe cold and flu. mmm. speak to me, dextromethorphan! oh, i am trippin' balls! ( laughter ) okay, what's coming in right here? this is just coming over my dot matrix printout of all of facebook. here's the first rumor coming in. is it possible we've all been groped by donald trump but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands? ( laughter ) ( applause ) wait, wait, wait! something's just come in over the wire! and if santa claus is always watching, why didn't he save kennedy? wait, i'm getting a message via
how are you, darling? hold on. hold on. ( laughter ) he's fine. okay. all right, here. just come in from the conspiracy pigeon. is it possible that upstate weddings are a sham invented by the "putting chandeliers in barns" industry? ( laughter ) what's that, pigeon? what did you want to say in my deaf ear? what's that? could it be that clams and mussels are actually the same thing, and that thing is oysters? ( laughter ) tell the world! ( laughter ) all right, let me just check on my buddies on the open road. breaker, breaker, i got a conspiracy on the flip flop. how come we haven't seen chumbawumba in nearly 20 years? ( laughter ) did they get knocked down and not get up again? get on back to me on this one -- what if the swedish government
microchips hidden in ikea allen wrenches? it's the perfect plan. every house has at least one and you never throw it away, just in case you need to tighten your smyordbilla. okay, all right. let's move on. what's this? hold on. what's this. got to keep the juices in! okay. i forgot to put it on earlier, they heard everything i said! okay. let's go to the let's lead the tea leaves. it's clear. okay. the message is -- why haven't i ever seen a dog chase a cat in real life? who wants us to think they hate each other? a message over the walkie-talkie! hold on. i'm coming! i'm coming! hello? hello? yes. hello? yes. are the lyrics to "american pie" actually a coded message trying
goes on way, way too long? ( laughter ) something's coming in over here. hold on. what's this? got to keep it tight. what's that? it's the conspiracy pigeon. what's it? come in, pigeon! why do gary johnson voters still have to go to the polls on election day when they could just as easily flush their ballot down the toilet at home? ( cheers and applause ) what's this? what's this? oh, here it is! would you believe that if you rearrange the letters in donald trump, you get "tan dump lord?" ( laughter ) true. i'm guessing you would. what's that? the chip the illuminati implanted in my brain tells me that's it for this edition of "tinfoil hat." but always remember: the truth
we'll be right back with aaron eckhart. ( cheers and applause ) ? i thought i was managing my moderate to severe crohn's disease. i didn't think there was anything else to talk about. but then i realized there was. so, i finally broke the silence with my doctor about what i was experiencing. he said humira is for people like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. ents on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections,
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now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! first, my first guest golden globe-nominated actor from films such as "erin brockovich" and "the dark knight." now he now stars in the upcoming boxing film, "bleed for this." >> you can. i get pretty sick of people talking to me like i'm dead, like i died in that car wreck, like it's just over for me. i'm going to fight again.
that's what everybody here knows. they're afraid to say it to your face. you're not going to fight again. it's over. >> stephen: please welcome aaron eckhart! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> i'm going to sing your praises. the tinfoil segment was off the hook. you're amazing. >> we got to some truths. no, i really related to that. yeah, people think you were
( laughter ) are you a superstitious person? >> yeah. >> stephen: i shook your handbook stage and you said, now you've ruined it. >> i had my fingers in my ears and you came and shook my hand. all downhill from there. >> stephen: do you not watch your own film clips? >> no. >> stephen: you're a very good actor. you should watch your own movies. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: do you not like the way you look bald? >> no, i actually love it's a precursor for me in five or six years. i know what i'm going to look like when i gain some weight and -- >> stephen: well, you play basically a boxing coach in all this but you like sports of all kinds. >> yes, i am a sports fan. >> stephen: did you watch the world series last night? >> it's interesting, i was just thinking about this. i was watching at home. then i got in my home to go to the premiere of "bleed for this." i went to the premiere.
i went to l.a.x. listened to it on the way to l.a.x. on the airport i saw it on the television. when i got home, i heard in the back of the car, cubs win. that was the entire streamline of that game yesterday. i went from my house all the way to new york city last night on the red eye and "cubs win." >> stephen: who were you pulling f >> yeah. >> stephen: who did you want to win it? >> don't make me do that. don't make me choose. >> stephen: come on, grow a pair! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> why are you so competitive? >> stephen: i'm not at all. just curious. you don't have to have opinions. >> i've gotten this far without having any. no, i liked both coaches. i liked the fact i could relax
in the fight. meanwhile, everybody else is chewing their fingernails off and having a miserable time. >> stephen: i liked it during the fight. you didn't think of politics at all. >> i only thought about politics when i was watching this game. and when i think about politics, i think about the cubs. >> stephen: really? yeah. it's really interest. a. >> stephen: a lot of people think about baseball when they're having always. >> batter up! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you actually like doing sports. you box. it's a boxing movie but you actually like boxing. >> i did a movie called "erin brockvich" 20 years ago. ( cheers and applause ) you know how everybody's got to be beef cake in this business, everybody's got to have the muscles?
i saw you. my eyes are up here. ( laughter ) >> so i thought, if i have to get in shape for this business, i'm going to learn a skill, so i learned boxing. so for 20 years, i have on and off continually boxed. every time i worked out, i rope or shadow box. i've had trainers. >> stephen: but do you actually have people throw punches at you? >> sometimes, yeah. >> stephen: but this is where the magic is, baby, you've got to protect the >> it's perfect to be imperfect, baby. you know what i'm saying? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i mean, how could you? you enjoy it when somebody punches you in the face? >> i could say to my trainer, tell me when you're going to punch me and where you're going to punch me. he says, okay, aaron, i'm going to punch you in the face right there and i'm going to do it right now. knowing all that information, i still couldn't get out to have the way of the punch.
punch you in the face. >> absolutely. >> stephen: do you derive any pleasure from that? >> absolutely. >> stephen: what's the -- well, you have to toughen yourself up. >> stephen: you do! i saw your monologue. >> stephen: you have to get a face callous? ( laughter ) so you know what it's like to be punched in the face. >> you think i got this nose from god? this nose has been punched in the face. >> stephen: you have a lovely, pretty face. you're somebody's little b ( laughter ) so you're in a boxing movie. did you -- actually, did you train for real? did you give them any advice? >> no. what happens was we did this movie for very little money and he had a trainer, so when i got to rhode island, we filmed this in cranston, rhode island -- shoutout.
( cheering ) he had a very renowned trainer. right away, i got into character. so i s-arted picking up the bottle every time he finished training and towel him off, walk around, give him commands, and his trainer said, who the hell is this guy, until somebody told him i was in the movie. the reason i did that, i wanted to start nurturing the trainer, boxer relationship, get in his space. i got to the only one allowed to give him water, tow him off, say champ, the rub down, the legs. >> stephen: you did the same thing for tom hanks with "sully," did you get in there and rub him down? >> yes, i did. >> stephen: can i compliment you for "sully"? your mustache was extraordinary and your performance was
extraordinary. i could use that as a push broom to clean my garage. was that natural? >> no, they're creating a new category for it. it's working harder than i was. it started to give me demands. >> stephen: wanted its own trailer? >> yeah, tom would say something, he just didn't have any respect after a while. i don't know why clint let me wear that mustache. i grew it but i didn't know how to trim it back. >> stephen: there was no trimming on the mustache, n. looked a little bit like -- and i mean this as a compliment. >> i can't wait for this. >> stephen: instead of the cop, the village people went with a pilot. >> do you have a problem with that? >> stephen: no, tha not that all. some of my best friends are pilots. it's a pleasure. i really enjoyed being on your show. ( laughter ) "bleed for this" opens nationwide friday november 18th.
we'll be right back with tig notaro! ? ( cheers and applause ) hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. vo: in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. donald trump: "knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously..."vo: clear
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we could keep doing all the things we love. prudential. bring your challenges. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: my next guest is a brilliant comedian who is perfmi hall for the new york comedy festival. please welcome tig notaro. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: nice to meet you. nice to meet you. >> stephen: we've never met
but i wanted to meet you because i admire your work. >> i love you. >> stephen: oh! because i like you? >> yes. >> stephen: because i usually like people. i'm an easy date. >> everybody loves you. >> stephen: oh, that's very nice of you to say. we have one thing in common, we're both comedians from the south. >> yes. >> stephen: you're from mississippi and texas? >> i'd say exactly that. >> stephen: mississippi and texas? >> born in there, then we moved to texas. >> stephen: little town, mississippi? most towns in mississippi are -- >> there are only little towns. >> stephen: what town in mississippi? >> i was born in jackson and we moved to the gulf coast. there's probably 4,000 people. >> stephen: but you don't have a southern accent. people ask me all the time why don't i have one. why don't you have one? >> well, i'm not sure, but i --
southern like wuddnin', oh, i -- wuddin' gonna do that. then i would say y'all. i had a podcast -- >> stephen: i didn't realize i was in the presence of a podcaster. >> you have your pod, i have but i said, careful you don't want to tump that over. everybody stopped and said, i'm sorry, what? i said tump. just be careful, you don't want to tump it over. in that moment, i found out that tump was not a word. >> stephen: it's unregionablism or -- >> southern dialect, but i had just been dropping "tump" all around, and i found out on the
listeners that that was -- that that wuddn-t a word. ( laughter ) >> stephen: people they, y'all, that means a whole group of people in the south. no, that's all y'all. there's y'all, then there's all y'all, which is the collective multiple. >> exactly. >> stephen: i can call you and say, are y'all going? yeah. what about all y'all? no, no. ( laughter ) >> exactly. you're from north carolina? >> stephen: i forgive you. i'm from south carolina. yeah, yeah. >> you didn't even know my town. >> stephen: i know jackson. but you should have known where i was from. >> stephen: i apologize. that's all right. we work things through quickly. >> stephen: this is awkward. well, neither of us enjoy awkwardness so let's get out of this moment immediately.
ooh, boy! >> stephen: you are a new mother. >> i am. >> stephen: speaking of awkward. >> yes. >> stephen: you have twins. i do. ( applause ) >> i'll be honest, i love them so much. ( laughter ) and that was not halloween. >> stephen: now, i heard something about you from my producer, not your hometown, evidently, but i did hear that you like to ride motorcycles but your wife said that is absolutely off limits now. >> yes. when we started dating, i have two vintage motorcycles that are collecting dust. >> and she won't let you ride them anymore? >> stephen: yes. are you about to surprise me
( laughter ) god, i wish what was the case. no! so what are you supposed to ride if you can't ride your motorcycles, babe? yeah. come on, you just need to talk to her and go, look, this is my life. >> oh, i thought you were calling me babe. i was, like, dude, i'm married! you can't be calling me babe. >> stephen: it's show business. can't i call anybody babe? what's up, baby ( laughter ) you just touched my hand. i'm a married man. all right? i'm flattered. >> i am attracted to you and i can't help myself. >> stephen: the feeling is mutual. ( laughter ) so what does she want me to drive. >> she dudn' t. >> stephen: she might could?
she doesn't want me to drive motorcycles or my dream car which is a honda odyssey. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you would think you could have a honda odyssey out here. that's a super sexy car, that minivan. >> i would drive that podium. >> stephen: that is actually street legal. he drives that home every day. >> i could put max and finn on top and pray they don't tump. >> stephen: what is it you love about the honda odyssey because >> it has a vacuum cleaner in there. >> stephen: why do you need the vacuum cleaner? >> cheerios, goldfish. >> stephen: to clean out the car because to have the kids. do you know what's very easy to clean out? motorcycle. strap the kids on the back of that motorcycle? >> no, in a side car. >> stephen: okay. a little schav blowing in the wind. >> stephen: you're performing at carnegie hall saturday.
played carnegie hall? >> can't you tell? >> stephen: congratulations. have a great time. >> thank you. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> you, too. >> stephen: tig is performing in the new york comedy festival at carnegie hall this saturday. you can stream her show "one mississippi" on amazon now. tig notaro, everybody! we'll be right back with ron suskind. ? ( cheers and applause ) ? go paperless, don't stress, girl ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show, everybody. my next pulitzer prize-winning journalist and best-selling author. please welcome ron suskind! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: thanks for being here! >> stephen: nice to see you. great to see you. >> stephen: i want to start
know about is, in 2004, you wrote an article about the bush administration, interviewing members of the bush administration and one bush aid mocked you and basically those who study history mocked you as part of the reality-based community. we are an empire, when we act, we create our own reality, we're history's actors and all of you will be left to studyat do. there is something you want that to be true. then the reality-based community, that sentence is what i based most of the colbert report on the next ten years. ( cheers and applause ) so thank you. okay. so the check is in the mail. >> do you have anything on ya now. >> stephen: i don't. i don't. i gave it all to aaron eckhart. >> you do truthiness. it breathed life into it. a schtick can do that.
that. i used to like to say you wrote about the bull (bleep) we could smell, i became the turd. ( laughter ) i don't think i can say that on cbs. we'll find out. did you see any of that in what donald trump was doing? >> months ago, i saw trumps the more entertainment-based candidacy. >> yeah. he's a reality show. he practiced that for years. he presented to the american public through that show. now i think it's a darker thing. you know the third debate where he was pretty good, not sniffling. >> stephen: for the first half our. >> but then in the end people say he lost because at the end he would not cede to accepting the outcome. he said, you know, i'll keep you in suspense.
that's why he lost. i don't agree. that was new. that was a new form. that was a threat. that was an actual threat. to say, you know, i'll tell my mob what to do on election day. that's my call. it's like a mobster thing. >> stephen: yeah, he does seem a little bit like he's in shipping. >> yeah, yeah. yeah. >> stephen: exactly. exactly. we're in sanitation, yeah... ( laughter ) >> think about the idea. it's like, you've got a very nice country here -- i'd hate to see something bad happen to it -- (trump voice). so remember that on election day when you go to the polls. we've never had that, not in my life time. >> stephen: i'll tell you something i find inspirational and that is when i see something beautiful and true in a story i've never seen before, and i experienced that when i watched the documentary about your
who is autistic and you found a way to communicate with him through disney movies. >> he couldn't speak for years. we realize he's memorized 50 disney movies. so we speak in disney dialogue. i grab a pup et the sidekick to jaafar and talk to him as gilbert. >> stephen: how long. ince he was seven. >> stephen: for four years -- we couldn't talk to him. so i grab the pup et and say in gilbert's voice, owen, owen, how does it feel to be you? he turns to the pup et like a friend, not great. i have no friends and i'm
and in a minute he clears his voice and growls, i love the way your foul little mind works! that's jaafar! i thought, we're speaking in disney dialogue! ( applause ) >> stephen: in the school you brought him to he created "disney clubs" and explains how these movies brought these kids together. >> i started a disney club so i ge they can be around me, so i can be more popular. it worked! tonight we're watching some of lion king because this year is the big 20th anniversary of the original release of the lion king. shall we? >> yeah! ( applause ) >> not only am i a big disney fanatic but i also like to play
>> yeah! (singing) >> we watch part of disney animated films and discuss them and see what they're really about in our lives. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's an incredibly beautiful film and thank you for making it and sharing your family story with the rest of us. he sees a lot of things through the filter of disney movies. does he have anything to say about the campaign this year through the >> yeah, he was asked through the q&a if he was supporting anyone and he said hillary clinton. ( applause ) he said what disney character of the hundreds of them would you say is most like donald trump. he took a minute because he interprets the world through movies like a lot of spectrum kids and he said, well, gaston, because he's handsome but
assembles a mob based on hatred of people not like him, and at the beginning they think he's a hero but at the end they realize he's the villain. ( applause ) >> stephen: we could do worse in analysis. >> exactly. >> stephen: thank you so much. "life animated" is available on itunes and on demand. ron suskind, everybody! we'll be right back.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be viggo mortensen, patton oswalt, and comedian maz jobrani. now stick around for james corden and his guests, aaron paul, piper perabo, and jack hanna. good night! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show