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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 7, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, bill maher, from comedy and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. thanks for coming out. it is appreciated.
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we have a lot to get to tonight. we have great guests all the way through the end of the show. something i mentioned last night, something i'm very passionate about and something that turns out a lot of people are passionate about, that is long receipts. you know what i'm talking about. you go to the supermarket, you buy one or two things and you get a receipt that's like a miss america sash. you get these in the same stores that want to conserve paper by making us bring in our own bags. a lot of people seem to be on board with this. i got a great deal of tweets today. here's some of them. this is from jeffrey, for one 45 cent stamp. here's one from jeremiah. one bottle of water, cvs, you're better than that.
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here's another from faust higgins. check out this long receipt, again, from cvs. this is from eileen. cvs for throat lasanges. this is from heidi. here's a receipt, love shopping at cvs. that's a whole cartful of receipts. cvs seems to be the main offender. but this is from staples. this says, bigger than my kids. the next one is from jeannie. men's warehouse receipt. glad we're never doing that again. next one from sandy, whose name i can't pronounce. oh, yeah, that's the declaration of independence next to my receipt. and this, i don't know who this is, but he actually made a cvs receipt costume to illustrate how long these receipts are. so thank you. keep tweeting them to me, pause
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i'm serious about them. this does seem silly to save paper when it comes to bags but to pump it out like crazy when you're making receipts. i wanted to discuss this with someone in charge. so we contacted a gentleman named jerry flagler, a representative from the national grocery association. hi, jerry. >> hi, jimmy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you work for the national grocery association. >> yes. it's actually the national grocor's association. >> jimmy: why have receipts gotten so long? >> our members are always looking for ways to be rewarded, our loyal customers for shopping with us. and we have found that receipts rewards programs does just that. >> jimmy: the receipts rewards program. that's where you call them? >> that's what we call them,
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yes. >> jimmy: do you find the customers feel rewarded when they get this long strip of paper with a 25% coupon for your next q-tips purchase on it? >> most definitely we do. >> jimmy: they're not angry or annoyed or anything like that when they have a receipt like this? >> we find that customers are very appreciative of the opportunity to save money. >> jimmy: they're appreciative of the opportunity to save money. they like getting these long receipts? >> yes, they do. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: the customers come in and they're happy to have this in their bag? >> yeah. [ laughter ] honestly? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i have no [ bleep ] clue. [ applause ] i wanted to be a veterinarian, and i flunked out of anatomy,
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you know, and next thing you know, i'm up here defending these crazy long receipts. like i actually give a [ bleep ] about them. which believe you me, i don't. i don't even go to stores. i shop online. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i didn't mean to question your life choices. i just wanted to get to the bottom -- >> well, you did. you can take that long receipt and roll it up in a ball and shove it up your ass. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that was jerry flagrer of the national grocer's association. >> i'm sorry. that was out of hand. i mean, that wasn't your fault. that wasn't you, that was me. >> jimmy: it's all right. >> so we're okay. >> jimmy: poor guy wanted to be a veterinarian. so thank you, jerry. [ applause ] guillermo, lock that door. meanwhile, i'll put this in my
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ass. that's right. in las vegas, the consumer electronics show is going on. [ applause ] if you're familiar with this, it's a technology that makes you already hate the tv you bought two weeks ago for christmas. they have the 8-k tv now, more than 160,000 people from all over the world gathered to see the latest technological innovations and get hookers to their room. you know how it goes. it's vegas. there's wi-fi kettle, a kettle that lets you boil water from anywhere in your house. finally. there's a pacifier that will let you check your babe yes's temperature. lamborghini is offering a $6,000 smartphone. they're also featured to have a
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number of high tech gadgets for pets. one is a device that uses sensors to create a custom feeding schedule for your pet called the smart feeder, which costs $250. which is a ridiculous amount to spend on a dog bowl. unless your dog is a very, very good boy. there's another device that lets you talk to your dog while you're at work and another that monitors how many calories your dog is burning throughout the day. do we need gadgets like this? there's already a device that tells you how your dog is feeling. it's called a tail. [ applause ] you know what? i had guillermo -- i had a weird thing had to me today and i kind of blame you for it, as well. you're not paying attention. you're supposed to be
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security. we book a lot of celebrities and today i was in my office, just working, and kind of opposite of that happened. [ knock on door ] >> hey, hey. >> jimmy: what's happening? >> quick question, bow ties? >> jimmy: yeah, they are. >> this one, this one, or this one? >> jimmy: for what exactly? >> for the show tonight. >> jimmy: well, hold on a second. i don't think you're on the show tonight. i think bill maher and nick kroll are on the show tonight. >> tonight? >> jimmy: yeah, it says they're on the show tonight. >> no, i got an e-vite. >> jimmy: we don't do that. we call your publicist. that's probably not from us. >> oh, yeah, no. that's from my brother. >> jimmy: okay. so that's --
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>> i call him jimmy kimmel. it's a joke they have. he's morbidly obese. >> jimmy: tell him i said hi. >> i will. let's just send one out. >> jimmy: do you mean have sex? >> no. maybe. what are you talking about? >> jimmy: you know, it's -- i'm married. >> oh, yeah, me too. >> jimmy: you look great. >> seriously, let's bang out an interview real quick. >> jimmy: in my office? >> yeah, why not? it will be fun. come on, you've got a couch and desk and stuff. >> jimmy: yeah, i do. just for like us do you want to have an interview? >> maybe just get velermo in
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here. >> jimmy: guillermo. >> the band. >> jimmy: you want the band. >> bring the band, the instruments, if whole deal. >> jimmy: cleto, will you guys come in here and bring the band with your instruments. chris pratt is here and he wants to do an interview. okay. yeah. so i mean, how do you want to do this exactly? >> i'll go hide backstage, you bring me out. >> jimmy: there is no backstage. that's my bathroom. >> i'm going to go in there. give me a minute. >> should i sit here? >> jimmy: that's a good idea. do you want to get dressed? >> i'm okay. >> jimmy: fine with me. >> good to see you. you're just going to introduce me. you stand over here by this thing. >> jimmy: the clarinet. >> you guys play some peppy music. i'll come out.
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i got some great anecdotes and we'll knock it out. guest from the hit movie "guardians of the >> i'm here to promote "parks and rec." >> i love that show. >> jimmy: i had no idea you spoke english, koji. any way, the final season of "parks and recreation" starts tuesday. please say hello to chris pratt. [ applause ] >> good to see you. >> jimmy: all right. wow. great to see you. >> good to see you, too. >> jimmy: what's up? >> oh, my gosh. so much stuff. everything's good. holidays were good. yeah, yep. >> jimmy: okay.
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umm -- >> i have a lot of good stories. >> jimmy: i would love to hear one of them. >> why don't you ask me about what my aunt linda said at christmas. >> jimmy: okay. what did your aunt linda say at christmas? >> well, funny you should ask. she was standing in front of a lot of dishes after we just had a giant dinner, and she said, christmas tradition, more like christmas tra-dishes. [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: she's like a funny aunt? >> hilarious. she doesn't make a lot of jokes since the accident. >> jimmy: she okay? >> no, no. that's why it was a real relief to us that she even spoke. >> jimmy: please give her our best and thank you for coming. it was great to have you here. chris pratt, everybody. >> whoa, whoa, not yet.
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so i also have -- oh, let me ask you this. are you guys still doing your gift bags? at the show? >> jimmy: yeah, we give out gift bags. i don't have one right now. i can give you something, though. i will give you truvia. it's a sweetener. enjoy. >> you didn't have to do that. thank you. >> jimmy: well, thank you. >> do you guys validate? >> jimmy: guillermo can help you with that. guillermo, would you take chris down to the parking hot. >> okay, come on. >> jimmy: great to see you. chris pratt. [ applause ] you guys can now also leave. ♪
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you don't need to play as you go out. it's fine. [ applause ] thank you, chris, for stopping by. tonight, music from lone bellow. nick kroll is here and we'll be right back with bill maher. stick around. [container door opening] ♪ what makes it an suv is what you can get into it. ♪ [container door closing] what makes it an nx is what you can get out of it. ♪ introducing the first-ever lexus nx turbo and hybrid. once you go beyond utility, there's no going back. ♪ keep your spirits high... the calories low...
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>> jimmy: tonight, a strange and very funny man with his own show on comedy central called "kroll show," nick kroll is here. [ applause ] then from brooklyn, new york their new album is called "then came the morning," it comes out later this month, the lone bellow from the at&t stage. they are great. tomorrow night joaquin phoenix will be here, the new host of the nightly show on comedy central, larry wilmore is here, and we'll hear music from frankie ballard. and monday night guillermo, cousin sal, and i will be in arlington, texas for the first-ever college football playoff national championship game between oregon and ohio state. the reason we'll be there is to honor signs like this one,
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fan-made fans that have clever saying like -- this "clemson wears cargos." at halftime, i'm going to present the first-ever golden sharpie award to the champion sign from the championship game. someone will be named lord of the poster board. all you have to do is make great sign, bring it to the game, add the hashtag "l-o-t-p-b'. and hold it high in the sky. if you have the best sign, as determined by me, you could go home with the golden sharpie. once more, hashtag "l-o-t-p-b." [ applause ] and we'll see you in texas. also i forgot to mention losers get punched in the stomach. on friday night, our first guest returns to work after six long weeks off and he's so worked up he might bite somebody. season 13 of "real time with bill maher" premieres on hbo friday at 10. please welcome bill maher. [ applause ]
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♪ >> jimmy: how are you, bill? i'm very glad you're here, you're a very smart guy, a brilliant guy. a terrible thing happened today. >> yes. tell them. >> jimmy: people were killed. a lot of people are on vacation, so maybe they don't know. >> you're the host, you've got to tell them. >> jimmy: cartoonists, journalists, a police officer were killed in paris. >> this was really big [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: especially in our business in particular. >> right. >> jimmy: especially in your business in particular. >> right. and we have to not avoid who did this. who did this, jimmy?
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>> jimmy: well, presume -- >> no, no, it's muslim terrorists. this happens way too frequently. it's like ground hog day, except the groundhog kept getting his head cut off. let's also give credit to this newspaper. this was a satirical newspaper in paris. these guys have the balls of the eiffel tower. their balls were bigger than gerard defardu, because they kept doing it. >> jimmy: their office was firebombed. the editor said he would rather die than change. >> for the crime of being satirists, for the crime of drawing cartoons. this has to stop, and unfortunately, a lot of the liberals, who are my tribe, i am a proud liberal -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: he's about to turn on you, so --
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>> no, i'm not turning on them, i'm asking them to turn toward the truth as i have been for quite a while. i'm the liberal in this debate. i'm for free speech. to be a liberal, you have to stand up for liberal principles. it's not my fault that the part of the world that is against liberal principles is the muslim part of the world. there have been studies. we have facts on this. treatment of women. they studied 130 different countries. 17 of the bottom 20 were muslim countries. in 10 muslim countries, you can get the death penalty just before being gay. they chop heads off in the square in mecca. well, mecca is their vatican city. if they were chopping the heads off of catholic gay people, wouldn't there be a bigger outcry among liberals? [ applause ] i ask you. so to bring it home to us, because we are are satirists, and i deal with this subject
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particularly, it's kind of scary, that some people say you cannot make a joke. that's off-limits. we saw this with kim jong-il. >> jimmy: yes, we did. and i have to say -- >> with "the interview." >> jimmy: i was disappointed with responses -- >> ten seconds. >> jimmy: i was disappointed in the response that i saw from some people who said, well, maybe we shouldn't make movies like this, we shouldn't do this kind of thing, people that don't really understand how big this is, the big picture and how important something like that is. >> [ bleep ] nation. we have to stop saying when something like this that happened in paris today, we have to stop saying, well, we should not insult a great religion. first of all, there are no great religions. they're all stupid and dangerous.
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and we should insult them and we should be able to insult whatever we want. there are certain people in the world who want wafers on free speech. kim jong-il in north korea says you cannot make jokes about our country, and there's a lot of muslim people in the world. i know most muslim people would not have carried out an attack like this. but here's the important point. hundreds of millions of them support an attack like this. they applaud an attack like this. what they say is, we don't approve of violence, but when you make fun of the prophet, all bets are off. >> jimmy: you really think hundreds of millions of muslims support this? >> absolutely. that is main stream in the muslim world. when you make fun of the prophet, all bets are off. it's also main stream, if you leave the religion you get what's coming to you, which is
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death. not in every muslim country, but in the majority and this is a problem we have to stand up to. again, i'm the liberal in this debate. i was brought up in a liberal family. the reason we were liberals is pause we were against oppression. i was a little kid when my father told us, we're with kennedy and against the southern governors who stand in the doorways and don't let black kids go to school. all my life i've been for people who have been the downtrodden, the oppressed, i've been for blacks, gays, women, mexicans, whoever it is. [ applause ] >> jimmy: let's stop right there. >> not you in particular, but i mean in general. >> jimmy: bill maher is for mexicans, everybody. i heard it right here. we'll take a quick break.
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>> jimmy: hi, everybody. bill maher is here. lone bellow is still to come. we're talking about what happened in paris and the situation in north korea. you tweeted another controversial comment. you said last month, bill cosby's lawyer keeps saying the stories are old and discredited, and we know what you're referring to. except nobody remembers the part where they were discredited.
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unusual for a comedian to go after another comedian. >> i they have thought he was funny. >> jimmy: is that true? >> absolutely. i have a number of people that never made me laugh. some of my close friends in comedy are huge bill cosby fans. >> jimmy: go ahead. >> any way, look i think when you're a public figure, you are absolutely a target. we are all just sitting out in. by the way, they referenced you on the newsroom. >> jimmy: why are you pointing at me, what did i do? i heard that. >> they did a great takedown of, you know, social media and how it is responsible.
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and so i am very wary of saying if somebody accuses somebody that it's true. but let's look at some other people who have been accused. woody allen. he was accused by one person who had every reason in the world to hate him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. >> jimmy: his ex-wife. >> she accused him of having sex with a child, and i don't think that's true, because of what i just said. but it could be. so we'll say that's 10% possible. michael jackson. now, michael jackson, awesome dancer, great songwriter. unconventional babysitter. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was going to be the title of the next album. >> so look, he got how many accusers, two or three? but he's so weird. so it's kind of hard to know. by his own mouth, he said, you
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know, it's charming to be in bed with children. he said that. so i don't know. what i think happened. a little grabby grabby under the covers, which is wrong. that is a crime to grabby grabby. but it's not like what catholic priests were doing. >> jimmy: you just heard about this? a lot of them are here on vacation. >> but it is a crime. but i always said put that in perspective. when i was 12 years old, i was brutally beaten on the play ground by two bullies. one held them down and the other punched me in the face. if i could trade that experience for being gently masturbated by a pop star, i would do it in a heart beat. frankie valley could [ bleep ],
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marvin gaye could do it, the grifters. not the group, just drifters. it would still be better than being punched in the house. so woody allen, one accuser, michael jackson, two or three. bill crosby, we do not have a number high enough. people say he deserves his day in court. do we have enough time? >> jimmy: he doesn't want a day in court. >> we present accuser number 465 and the stenographer would like to say few words because she was groped on the way in. these are women who don't seem to have a reason to lie about it. >> jimmy: that's not necessarily true. a lot seem to be represented by gloria allred. yes, yes. >> i heard there was four more today. i am wondering where the number
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is going to end up. i'm just saying i think we should be very careful about accusations. but when there's this much smoke, that's got to be a fire somewhere. >> jimmy: have you invited bill cosby on the on your show? >> that will happen soon. i heard today he's going to go into therapy. but he asked for a therapist with big -- thank you very much. i think i >> jimmy: bill maher, everybody. the season premiere of "real time with bill maher" airs this friday at 10pm on hbo. we'll be right back. this mess? a mess? i don't think -- what's that? snapshot from progressive. plug it in, and you can save on car insurance based on your good driving. you sell to me? no, it's free. you want to try? i try this if you try... not this. okay.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. nick kroll and music from the lone bellow is on the way, but first, i want to wish a happy birthday to nicolas cage. nicolas turned 51 years old today. and to honor his special day, a 5th grader named luke has prepared a special birthday presentation for us. luke, take it away. [ applause ] >> hi everybody, i'm nicolas cage and today is my 51st
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birthday. i am awesome! i've been in over seventy movies. and i want be in 70 more. because i am a great actor. you might even say that i am a national treasure. [ applause ] i own two islands, a dinosaur skull, and a pyramid. some people think i'm weird. well, that's my story. i stole john travolta's face! thank you! >> jimmy: thanks, luke. we'll be right back with nick kroll.
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and get a $400 bonus with a two year agreement. hurry! it's your last chance! this offer ends january 17th. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800.974.6006 tty/v >> jimmy: our next guest is so funny, they gave him a show with his name on it. that's what they do for the best guys. the third and final season of "kroll show" starts tuesday at
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10:30 on comedy central. please welcome nick kroll. [ applause ] ♪ thank you for coming. it's good to see you. >> good to see you, as well. >> jimmy: i want to ask you something, because i can't wrap my head about it. your show is first of all, very, very funny. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: it's never been more popular -- [ applause ] you're at the peak of your powers and decided this will be the last season. >> yeah, yeah. it doesn't make much sense. >> jimmy: it makes no sense at all. >> you know, i think i just, you know, when we started the show way back in 2011 -- [ laughter ] to think that we would be here almost three years later, what a journey. what a journey we've been on.
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>> jimmy: are you getting nostalgic? >> i cry all the time. but that's because i'm going through menopause. i think i had a vision for what the show would be, and i felt like we accomplished what we wanted to do. i just picture the show like a trilogy. each season was like one movie. like "the lord of the rings." so may plan is in about five years to do another round and have it really terrible and look like a video game. >> jimmy: if i was a network executive, especially comedy central, and you pitched another show i wouldn't trust you. because we did the last one, it went well and you left. >> that's the problem, i'm going to pitch comedy central tomorrow. no, comedy central is amazing, and it was a great show and the biggest bummer is the idea of not continuing to work with the people that i worked with making the show. >> jimmy: there's so many funny people on the show.
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your cast is fantastic. >> we have a crazy group of people. the guest stars are people on the show this year like john mullaney and chelsea and amy poller and seth rogan and all these amazing people. [ applause ] it's a crazy group of people. john daley, the list goes on and on. but my favorite guest star this year is c.p. >> jimmy: the only reason i know who c.p. is, i saw your first episode, which was hilarious. >> thank you. >> jimmy: but i was not familiar with his work. >> for those of you unfamiliar, c.t. is on a little show on mtv called "the challenge." real world road rules challenge. it's an elimination show and c.t. has been on the show for like ten years.
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this guy is like a fantasy draft for reality shows. so you can go on it and instead of like a football team, it's like oh, i'm going to -- i get a lot of points for this guy because he had sex on camera or he made someone cry. c.t. is like a perennial first round pick in the -- like he's the peyton manning of the draft. >> he's a big, big reality star. and he is on our show this year. on the show last year, were a bunch of gigilo's and they lived in a gigilo house. they have an elimination this year called "gigilo horse."
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we had c.t. has one of the gigilos in this challenge elimination. it was this crossing of worlds. >> jimmy: he dressed as a woman after the show. >> that's the plan, jimmy. >> jimmy: i want to go back to bobby bottle service. he of doush bags. is he based on one person? >> he's based on a lot of people i grew up with in new york. you probably met a few bobby bot services along the way. >> jimmy: some are in my family. >> then "jersey shore" came out and my friend, john daley, who is on the show, an all-star producer and actor, i keep pointing to the one person who
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clapped. >> jimmy: and that person thinks they're clapping for the golfer. >> so john and i made these videos called the ed hardy boys. and it's bobby bottle service and pete paparazo and they solve crimes. the first one was the ed hardy boys and the case of the missing belt buckle. we made the first video and the guy behind the ed hardy brand saw the video and loved it. he was like, i want to bring you in. so we go to the ed hardy compound, and christian adije is a scary figure. it's like he's either going to kill us or outfit us in ed hardy. either way could be a crime. so we go in there and he straight up looks like a grand theft auto villain.
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so we go in to meet with him in his weird warehouse with his motorcycles and little michael jackson room. the guy is fascinating. he's like, i want to make a movie with you. we're like, okay. he's hike, with michael and tom sizemore. we're like, great. so then he gives us a tour of the compound. we're riding around on his golf cart hummer. and his assistant is hanging on the back. he's going like 40 miles an hour around the turn and the assistant flies off of the hummer. i turn back to the assistant and i go, are you okay? and christian looks at me and says, yes, i'm fine. i'm like all right, i'm in. this is awesome. so when we go to make "kroll
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show," we get access to all of his products. at this point, he's making ed hardy wine, ed hardy energy drinks, ed hardy day after pill. for those of you that don't remember, ed hardy clothing looked like if a jack baby had rhinestone diarrhea. so we get fully outfitted. we shoot the episode. it goes great. and then comedy central is like, christian will not give you the rights to ed hardy brand to use. after he had given us access to everything. >> jimmy: whoa. >> so it was a real bummer and the big shocker is that the man behind the ed hardy brand turned out to be untrustworthy. >> jimmy: you can't count on anything anymore.
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watch "the kroll show." we'll be right back with lone bellow. what's with the suit?
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oh, i had to go to the bank. if you look legit they give you special treatment. seriously? seriously, yeah. the banker dude set up my checking account so if i make one deposit a month, no monthly maintenance fee. special treatment! citizens bank, right? yep. you know they do that one deposit checking thing for everyone, right? got mustard on your suit. actually, it's your suit. one deposit checking. only from citizens bank. one deposit of any amount each statement period waives the monthly maintenance fee.
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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank bill maher, nick kroll, i want to thank bill crosby, i think. chris pratt, krim krim. -- kim jong-il. and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first their album "then came the morning" comes out january 27th, here with the song "cold as it is," the lone bellow. ♪
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♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll cold as it is i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll cold as it is i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ i saw you walking on the water while i was drowning underneath ♪ ♪ eyes just like any other daughter pulling me into the deep cold as it is ♪ ♪ i wouldn't leave my baby doll cold as it is i wouldn't leave ♪
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♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ you're name was written on the apple i carved my name into that tree ♪ ♪ pure gold but darling it's unnatural the way you bring me to my knees ♪ ♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll cold as it is i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave ♪ ♪ water take me in calling me it's friend wash me wash me sing a siren's song ♪ ♪ black before the dawn
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waiting for the midnight waiting for the midnight water take me ♪ ♪ calling me it's friend wash me wash me singin' siren's song black before the dawn ♪ ♪ waiting for the midnight waiting for the midnight waiting for the midnight waiting for the midnight ♪ ♪ waiting waiting cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll cold as it is ♪ ♪ i wouldn't leave cold as it is i wouldn't leave my baby doll ♪ ♪ i wouldn't leave my baby doll i wouldn't leave ♪ [ applause ]
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this is "nightline." tonight, terror in paris. >> journalists gunned down by terrorists execution style in a shooting spree that leaves at least a dozen people dead. the rampage followed by a massive manhunt. and now the questions, who are these killers and what does this attack mean for americans, both abroad and at home? we are in paris tonight covering the breaking news. she was bill cosby's tv wife for eight years and tonight she is speaking exclusively to abc news about her former co-star. >> people have been waiting


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