tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
"the nice guys", russell crowe is here. the very, very funny and i rarely put two funnies together, mike birbiglia is with us. and the reason that the whole place smells like patchouli oil and pot tonight, dead and company is here. [ applause ] a combination of the grateful dead, the almond brothers all together. they're going to play for a couple of hours. they'll only do one song though. [ applause ] it's nice to have the dead and company here right now. we need them right now. because according to a new study, l.a. has the most or best road rage in the united states. we are number one road rage wise. [ applause ]
we have the unique ability to get blinded with fury on the the way home from a yoga class here. the study ranked american cities with the number of instagram posts with the #road rage. maybe they're mad because they're posting to instagram on the road. it's a dumb study but it's probably right. we just spend more time having it on the road in traffic. my favorite part about road rage in l.a. is that when you yell at somebody or there's mutual flipping off, then you have to drive right next to them for the next 45 minutes. not every driver in southern california is filled with rage. this gentleman made our local 10:00 news for being a little too chilled out. >> police were called to an intersection near san diego, where a driver had passed out behind the wheel. the car was still in drive but the foot was on the brake. they finally woke him up.
he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. they thought they heard a dog growling in the backseat but it was just the guy's buddy passed out, snoring. >> why didn't he go to jail too? you can get arrested for being passed out in the back of a car? because if that's true, my 2-year-old daughter should be in prison right now. meanwhile in england, and this is something you have to see to believe. a college student passed out drunk and his friends duct taped him, which is step one and they put him on some kind of an office chair [ laughter] sorry about that. they took him out for a bite. hamburger, french fries. off to the bar. they ordered just what he needed, more drinks.
they gave him a straw. and then to a night club. he is brought in like a parade float. celine dion is the only thing able to bring him back to life. it's like a sequel to "weekend at bernie's" without the dead guy. i can't decide whether he has the best or worst friends. i saw no teeth or crumpets in that video at all. [ applause ] here in california, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. well, not with that attitude, it won't. water is a precious resource in california. we need it for our bongs. and we've reduced our water use
by 24% over the last couple years, we need to do as much as we can to conserve and that's why i hired a team of conservation scientists to develop this thing that this man is squatting in front of me. [ laughter] [ applause ] all right. so, this is a toilet seat insert. it says it's our governor. it says if it's brown, flush it down, otherwise, let it mellow. go to our website, which is jimmykimmellive.com. you download it, print it on your picture and cut out the shape of whatever your particular toilet seat is, get scotch tape and tape it right
there, so every time you lift the toilet seat up, you can see it to remind you. [ applause ] have we asked governor brown for an official indorsement of this? we have. nothing yet? i think he would be thrilled to be in all of our toilets. imagine to say there i am, right? i'll tell you something when donald trump is president, we won't have a problem with the drought because we'll all be drinking delicious trump water. i'm told it's the best. there were primaries in west virginia and nebraska. do we really even need a president? i mean, honestly, nobody seems to listen to them anyway. but the california primary doesn't happen until june 7th, which is a month away. every state gets to vote before california. no offense, but name one beach boy song about west virginia. [ applause ]
>> jimmy: donald trump is expected to do very well in west virginia, partly because he has no opponents and because the state's demographics fit his four main supportive categories, white voters, older voters, those that have been struck repeatedly in the head with large lumps of coal. he has selected current new jersey governor chris christie to lead his transition team. christie has been a key advisor. it surprises me he has advisors. where were they when he went on facebook to post that taco bowl? that's the story chris christie should be advising on. the man is built on taco bowls. chris christie, even though he's an advisor, he's not ruling out the possibility to be trump's running mate. he said he will block that bridge when he gets to it.
this might be the reason -- trump is headlining a fund raiser to help chris christie pay back his campaign debt. he owes more than $400 thousand. so, they're having an event to raise cash to pay it back. who has a few thousand bucks, i could donate this to orphans but i think instead i'll use it to cover christie campaign's unpaid pizza bill. these guys so against donald trump, chris christie, rick perry, this is rick perry from last year. >> let no one be mistaken. donald trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism and must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded. >> jimmy: does donald trump have a magic bill cosby pill he's slipping in -- [ applause ]
rick perry is kind of desperately putting himself out there as a vice presidential prosect. he paid for an ad supporting trump that attempts to put a spin on why he initially compared the man to cancer. >> this is texas governor rick perry. last year i called donald trump a cancer. donald trump's candidacy is a cancer on conservatism and today i'm proud to support that cancer for president of the united states. we need growth and that's what cancer is, a growth. and some cancers often die. heck, i have a great uncle with the disease in his colon. they said don't even operate. i believe that's the kind of cancer donald trump will be as president. that's why i will be proud to stand beside him. i can be like -- i don't know, hemorrhoids, popping up all across america. this election, americans have a choice.
do you want four more years of the same failed liberal agenda or hemorrhoids and -- cancer? i know you'll make the right choice. [ applause ] >> jimmy: have to weigh that out. we have to take a break. those people, those two mystery individuals are the parents of a famous person. i don't know who the famous person is but when we come back, i'm going to try to guess. we'll find out that, hopefully next. stick around. we'll be right back. s turns out lemon juice doesn't cure pink eye. hi. how are you doing today? that's how i am. red head fred. ultra rare. i collect these too. nah, these are for my dog because he can never decide which one he wants until he gets home, so...
presenting the american express blue cash everyday card with cash back on purchases and no annual fee. my only concern is that this is where we put food. a dog's foot is cleaner than a human's mouth. that's what they say. is it? cleaner than my mouth. cash back on purchases. backed by the service and security of american express. "daddy doing work",d cash back on purchases. it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that.
t-mobile does data differently. stream video and music free! without using one bit of your lte data. so switch today and get 4 lines for just 30 bucks each. if rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e we'll be over here flowing caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®. grover cleveland here. yes, the handsome gent on the thousand-dollar bill. with 'cash4life', the great game from the pennsylvania lottery,
you could win a thousand dollars a day for life! you could invest it, or save it for a rainy day. or you could buy a new car! and with drawings every monday and thursday, that means 2 chances to win every week. cash4life from the pennsylvania lottery. you could win a thousand dollars a day for life. intromercedes-benz c-coupe, redesigned with its athletic prowess and sleek new body. it doesn't just raise the bar... ...it completely crushes it. the all-new c-class coupe. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
>> jimmy: tonight on the show we have music from dead & company, mike birbiglia is here, and tonight we're going to get to know one of them even better by getting to know one of their mom and dad. i don't know whose mom and dad they are. we saw them a minute ago. let's meet our mystery celebrity parents. now, may i ask -- i guess the first question is i'm going to ask yes or no questions. is your child a male? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right. i don't know if that's politically correct to ask or not. the child's got to be pretty young to actor or singer or whatever. i'm going to look at the pictures on your refrigerator.
>> go ahead. >> jimmy: i don't feel like i can tell anything. and now i'm looking at your faces and in a way, it does. they ring two bells but i can't figure out what bells they are. has your child ever been on my show? >> yes. >> yes. >> jimmy: is your child an actor? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay. is your child a musician? >> not -- >> not officially. >> jimmy: okay. strictly an actor. has your child ever humiliated you publicly? >> not intentionally. >> kind of. >> jimmy: has your child ever thanked you in an acceptance speech of some kind? >> no. >> in our dreams, he has. >> only in our dreams. >> jimmy: is your child part of a celebrity power couple? >> no, no i don't think so. >> um, no. >> maybe one day. >> jimmy: all right. is your child me?
was i adopted? are you my real parents? >> he's always wanted to be. >> jimmy: interesting. interesting. wow. this is based strictly on resemblance. is your child michael sarah? >> no, but not a bad guess. >> not a bad guess. >> jimmy: pretty good guess. is your child a movie star? >> he has been in movies. >> jimmy: is he a television star? >> he has been on tv. >> jimmy: is he primarily known as a television star? >> no. >> jimmy: is he primarily known as a movie star? >> yes. >> jimmy: does he have his own fragrance? >> he does, actually. >> don't say it. no. it's not perfume.
>> jimmy: oh, is his fragrance illegal in states other than colorado and washington? >> i didn't say that. no. >> jimmy: all right. okay. does your child have a famous best friend? >> yes. famousish. >> jimmy: is your child older than 30? >> yes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. guillermo, can you help me on this at all? >> ask them if the kid lives in hawaii. >> jimmy: is your son tom selleck? >> no. >> jimmy: all right. does your son live in hawaii? >> no. no, no. >> jimmy: what kind of a question was that? >> i thought he was woody harrelson.
>> that would be a valiant move. >> jimmy: i think they're too young to be woody harrelson's son. you have any help? >> seth rogen. >> jimmy: oh. i did not think of you as canadians. is your child seth rogen? very well done cleo. >> you got it. >> jimmy: mr. and mrs. roguen, you guys seem so normal. >> we are. >> jimmy: where did that funny hair come from on seth's hair? >> when i had her hair, i had curls. one day. >> jimmy: when seth was a young man, did you smell weed around the house? >> he always told us it was somebody else's. >> jimmy: and you believed that,
huh? >> of course we did. >> jimmy: wow, it's very nice of you guys to do this and you must be very, very proud of your son. >> proud of both our children. >> jimmy: but more of seth though, right? do you have any of his projects you'd like to plug right now? >> "neighbors 2." [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, mr. and mrs. rogen, everybody. >> jimmy: tonight on the show we have music from dead & company, mike birbiglia is here, and we'll be right back with russell crowe. all the best stuff happens in the dark. there's dancing and music in the dark. people are younger and better looking in the dark. see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. in the dark, people gain an irrational sense of invincibility.
bowling is less sad, and making out is much more likely. so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camera that can capture things... ...in the dark? the new galaxy s7 edge with low-light camera. ♪ introducing jim beam apple.e together to make history. poured over ice and served with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge. to make a crisp refreshing jim beam apple and soda.
intromercedes-benz c-coupe, redesigned with its athletic prowess and sleek new body. it doesn't just raise the bar... ...it completely crushes it. the all-new c-class coupe. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. in all these years have you ever made love to a member of the band? >> i'm gay. >> jimmy: so, the answer is no? >> that's right, no.
he could install your ceiling fan.ce said he couldn't. and that one time ron said another chili dog was a good idea. yeah, it wasn't. so when ron said you'd never afford a john deere tractor, you knew better. now ron does too. the e series. legendary john deere quality. unexpected low
price. e series compact tractors come with an industry-best, six-year, no-cost powertrain warranty.
>> jimmy: tonight, a very funny guy who made an excellent new movie about the world of improv comedy. it's called "don't think twice." mike birbiglia is here. [ applause ] then later, a supergroup that includes three members of the grateful dead, one member of the allman brothers, and another member of john mayer, who happens to be john mayer, dead and company from the samsung outdoor stage. you can see them on tour live this summer, starting june 10th in charlotte, north carolina. tomorrow night on the show, alec baldwin will be here. riley keough will join us, and we'll have music from cole swindell. and thursday, kerry washington, shonda rhimes, rob gronkowski, and music from goo goo dolls. so, please join us then. our first guest tonight is an oscar and golden globe-winning actor and australian national treasure with a very funny new movie, "the nice guys", co-starring ryan gosling, opens may 20th. please say hello to russell crowe. [ applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: how you doing? >> pretty good, man, how you doing? >> jimmy: i heard you road a bicycle here tonight? >> yeah, just like to have a little bit of bike ride. i ride in pretty much every city. it gives me a north, south, east, west and gives me extra time to think about what i'm going to do. >> jimmy: are you in disguise? >> well, i'm in helmet and glasses and a beard. but it's amazing because you'll be riding down the street with the helmet and the wrap around glasses and the beard and somebody will go, hey, russell. what part of me did you recognize? is it my ear lobe or something? >> jimmy: you sent a coffee show
to our whole staff. that was nice. we're alert. >> i wanted everybody to be awake. >> jimmy: we're awake all day. i have the jitters i drank so much coffee. ryan gosling, from his account you hit it off in a big way. >> i watched the segment. i heard what he said, man. >> jimmy: i think if you weren't pals, he wouldn't have made any jokes about you. >> it's so easy to get on with him. i mean, he's so present, available. he's just so empthetic, it's absolutely nauseating. >> jimmy: not to mention a handsome devil. >> the whole 6-pack thing. the [ bleep] [ applause ] he's a lovely fellow. >> jimmy: he told us a story you tried to get him into australian rugby.
this sounds like the most fun thing you could do with your money. you bought your home town rugby team. >> if the opportunity comes up for you, don't do it. investment wise, money wise, it's doing pretty good but the emotional investment is very difficult. and of course, when you're just a fan you get to say anything about anyone. you can just makeup -- if somebody disappointments you, you can get turets. but when you're the boss, you have to be circumspect and even with all the players at all time and curb your passion a little bit. because they would always take photographs up of me in the stand doing things like this. i realize that's having a detrimental effect on the spirit of my squad. i had to chill it back a little bit.
>> jimmy: here in the united states the owner gets a lot of abuse too. it's not just the players. >> south city is the oldest rugby league team formed in 1908. but for the 20 years prior to me taking over in 2006, they had become essentially perennial losers. so, the fact that they have resparked from being perennial losers to being competitive and dominant. and then we lifted the trophy for the first time in 43 years. so, i brought hats for you. >> jimmy: nice. why are they called the rabbit o's? >> back in 1788, there was a duke that managed to put on board one of the boats some rabbits to go hunting.
and over time, cut to a couple hundred years later, the rabbits were investing the prime pastor land, so there was a job you could have, you would be paid to shoot rabbits. you'd get money from the government for the pelt and you'd have the meat to sell on the street. so, just like newspaper vendors, they'll be out on the street calling out rabbit o? and some of the main players were either a rabbit o's or knew people directly related to that. that's our signal. >> jimmy: that rabbit better run. >> because that's how they get paid. we do the same thing with the wages. if they don't get the rabbits,
they don't get paid. >> jimmy: are your sons fans of the teams you like? >> they are. my oldest isn't really sport focussed, but my youngest definitely is and they're fans of the team and we go to the games. >> jimmy: do they have a choice? if they decided to root for another team, would that be accepted? >> my youngest had that concept, he came to me and said he'd been discussing it at school and thought he might follow such and such a team and i was very even and explained i thought it was going to be quite difficult given his age because rent is quite high in that area and also as he wasn't okay with even a microwave, i wasn't sure how he was going to feed himself.
cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. go cottonelle, go commando. protect your clothes fromout in tstretching, fading, and fuzz.. ...with downy fabric conditioner... it helps protect clothes from the damage of the wash. so your favorite clothes stay your favorite clothes. downy fabric conditioner. wash in the wow. and with touch id it does way more than unlock your phone. it logs you into things, like your bank account. see what i mean? it checks you into your flight. ooop, your phone! it pays for stuff like... (mouth full) doughnuts. how about chew then talk. it unlocks things for you. it signs documents for you. hey, you bought a boat! i bought a boat! i just said that. and it does this. yeah, it starts your car.
so now we're just starting cars with our fingerprints. just. whoa. when you can be in the moment? ♪ olive garden now offers catering delivery. we make the food and deliver it to your door... so you can enjoy what's important. ♪ ♪ whatcha gonna do when you get outta here? ♪ ♪ i'm gonna have some fun! ♪ ♪ what do you consider fun? ♪ fun, natural fun. ♪ yeah, we rocking right now. ♪ ♪ it's a party over here. ♪ hey! ♪ i'm in heaven! ♪
look away. >> you know there's a mirror here, right? >> close your eyes. >> jimmy: that is russell crowe. "nice guys" opens in theaters next friday. this was a very funny movie. were you surprised with how well you guys meshed? >> we talked oen the phone a couple years before working together, so i knew we shared a sense of humor but you never really know that for sure. but the thing about ryan, man, is he's a cinniest. he really does have a knowledge of the history of cinema. so, if it feels he's making a reference to something before
when he's doing a gag, he more than likely is. we can be having a conversation about that, right? for 45 minutes like what's the best way to sit on a toilet while covering your private parts with a magazine and we'll look at the bounce of the door. >> jimmy: even the sound of the door is important. >> because we both love our job, it's very easy for us to get on. >> jimmy: how many times do you have to shoot something like that before the door bounces in all the right places? >> we have a very good idea of exactly what he's going to do. it's my job. >> jimmy: it sounds simple but it's all very complicated, isn't it? >> and you find yourself saying now, the best way for me to break your arm -- but it does bond you, i suppose. i tried to get him into rugby league, into sport. he's not really sport focussed. kind of like my oldest son.
i mean, he's a canadian who doesn't follow ice hockey. and north of the border in canada, they have a descriptive word for that. you're called an [ bleep] >> jimmy: that's the canadian word? >> that's technically the word. look in the canadian dictionary. [ bleep] >> jimmy: well, whatever happened -- you and that. [ bleep] made a pretty great movie together. it's called "the nice guys." russell crowe. up next is mike birbiglia. ♪ [ applause ] yeah a little further back. there you go. which urgent care do you want to try this time? this one's only a mile away. oooo, and it's in-network. this is our best idea yet. steve! steve! steve!
so close. it's not always easy to control your enthusiasm. but with unitedhealthcare it's easy to find quick care options and compare costs. that's my husband. let me try this. second time's a charm. oh there goes mine. unitedhealthcare because you can't beat zero heartburn! i take prilosec otc each morning for my frequent heartburn ahhh the sweet taste of victory! prilosec otc. one pill each morning. 24 hours. zero heartburn. t-mobile does data differently. now, stream video and music on your favorite services... free! without using any of your lte data. and, roll your unused data forward.
gearheads... and those with green thumbs. to the sticky... the stinky... even those who get a little icky. to all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up... with delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. see what delta can do. help you experience this world? i'm glad you finally made it, dad. you have to experience this city. that's what you always say. you were right about the food. hi john. hey kevin. spent the day with an astronaut, huh. one more. one more. it's beautiful, isn't it? how about a baseball game next time? done! done. book priceless experiences around the globe with your world mastercard. only at priceless.com/world
than playing all about the bens with top prizes of a hundred grand? winning, ...on the spot. play all about the bens from the pennsylvania lottery, and you could win.... ...on the spot. keep on scratchin' >>jimmy: our next guest is a very funny comedian, actor, writer and director who made an excellent new movie, all on his own called "don't think twice"
>> the theater's closing. we have to be out of there in four weeks. another trump building, i think. >> new york city, you're fired. >> all of america, you're fired. >> what the hell is that is this. >> that was trump. >> that's j.fk. >> your impersonation is so bad, you're fired. "don't think twice" opens in new york, july 22nd, please welcome mike birbiglia. [ applause ] ♪ first of all, welcome and thank you for inviting me to see your movie. it really came out great. >> thanks for coming. >> jimmy: it was my pleasure. >> last time i saw you was at your house. i was pitching you that movie a
year 1/2 ago. >> jimmy: it was great to see it from an idea you had to a real movie. >> i was at jimmy's house and you were making me a roast beef sandwich. >> jimmy: that is true, yes. >> best roast beef sandwich i've ever had in my life. >> jimmy: thank you. >> i tell people about it every day. it's a roast beef sandwich name drop. and i was telling you -- i was visiting your daughter, baby jane who i just saw and is adorable. >> jimmy: she's working back there. >> because my wife was pregnant at the time. >> jimmy: congratulations. or whatever. >> but i wanted to see what it was like because you had a baby. >> jimmy: you were testing the water, getting your toe in. >> see where babies come from.
>> jimmy: did my wife show you that? >> she gave me a book. we hung out with your daughter jane and about 20 minutes in, this woman swoops in, this other person and she changes the baby and feeds the baby and comes back 20 minutes later and i call my wife and say cloe, her name is jen. i go, cloe, listen to this. they have this person who comes in and does all the stuff we don't want to do and then she leaves and then you just get to do the fun stuff with the baby. so, we don't have that. we have the baby. we don't have the other person. so, i was wondering can we have yours? >> jimmy: we only had her for a short time. her name was my mother. no, we had a baby nurse. i've done it both ways. it's easier with the baby nurse. but how is father hood? are you enjoying it?
>> it's good. we made this movie "don't think twice." and she came on the set of the movie. i brought a photo. >> jimmy: i have these photos right here. o-o-n-a. she's really cute. >> and my wife and oona and her in the edit. and i agreed to do some of her -- too. the wheels on the bus go round and round. that -- doesn't matter. i mean, you can only humor them for so long. >> jimmy: has she seen the movie yet? >> she's seen cuts. >> jimmy: it's a great idea. >> it's a group of best friends and an improv group and one of them gets cast on a "saturday night live" type of show and the rest of them don't.
it has gillgen jacobs and we had a blast making it. i mean, it was very emotional thing. we're very proud of it. >> jimmy: it's a very touching movie. i don't want to give too much away but you told me night you can't watch it because it makes you cry. >> a lot of the themes of improv are similar to the themes of life. it's something that has never happened before and will never happen again and it's the same when you work on a movie or project, it's just a moment in time. so, working with them was so fun. we had such a blast. >> jimmy: and it deals with pretty heavy subjects. envy, trying to be happy for your friends and good things happen to them and they don't happen to you. i think people -- you don't have
be to part of improv comedy to get it. >> thanks. >> jimmy: you will personally show the movie to people. >> i'm probably coming to your town. i'm going to 20 or 30 cities in america. we're giving improv work shops. planet ant in detroit where michael keaton started and liz allen who taught our improv group in the movie is teaching these free work shops across the country and we're showing the movie in a sneak preview form. >> jimmy: so, people will have the opportunity to see the movie and so they too can have their hearts broken as someone surpass s them career wise? >> yes. >> jimmy: you want everyone to experience a little bit of the heart break?
>> in our 20s, we all had the same dream, and in your 30s, you realize you don't all have to have the same dream and the person who gets the dream they're not always so happy after all. >> jimmy: he's a very wise man. mike birbiglia, "don't think twice", opens in new york, july 22nd. he will bring it to you personally. and when we return, music from dead & company. ♪
♪ ♪ bertha don't you come around here anymore ♪ ♪ ♪ dressed myself in green i went down to the sea ♪ try to see what's going down maybe read between ♪ ♪ the line ♪ ♪ had a feeling i was falling falling falling ♪ turned around to see ♪ ♪ heard a voice calling calling calling you was comin ♪ after me back to me ♪ ♪
move ♪ that's why if you please i am on my bended knees ♪ ♪ bertha don't you come around here anymore ♪ ♪ throw me into the jailhouse ♪ until the sun goes down ♪ i had to move, really had to move ♪ ♪ that's why if you please i am on my bended knees ♪ bertha don't you come around me anymore ♪ ♪ oh, really had to move ♪ that's why if you please i am on my bended knees ♪
this is "nightline." >> tonight, is a university's honor code keeping rape survivors from speaking up? >> i was afraid it would be seen as my fault. >> scared their school would throw them out if they reported what happened. tonight brave women stepping out hoping to break a code of silence. plus, he's got all the makings of an internet phenomenon. adorable animals, check. rugged good lucooks, check. millions of followers, check. and finally, female fighters who say their isis's worst nightmare. we're on the ground in iraq.