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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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and for jim gardner and cecily tynan and ducis rodgers and i'm rick rogers have a nice evening, good night. ght -- greg kinnear -- from the ufc, dana white -- "this week in unnecessary censorship" -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to you program. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.
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it's one more night of politics, tonight from philadelphia, the home of rocky balboa and cream cheese, the season finale of the democratic national convention. the big question tonight, would hillary clinton accept the nomination or would america go home crying in a limousine in the most dramatic presidential nomination yet? [ laughter ] and she accepted the nomination. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it was a historic night. we're either going to have our first female president, or first president who sold a line of steaks at the sharper image. remember that? by the way, i just want to say, after the two weeks of all this every night, i'm pretty sure everybody knows who they're voting for. so why don't we save a lot of time and vote now. i mean, really, we're going to sit around and wait for the ones who haven't decided yet? i thought this was a nice touch. after she spoke tonight, instead of the conventional end of
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convention balloon drop, bill clinton personally climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had hidden -- [ laughter and applause ] last night, president obama gave mrs. clinton a powerful endorsement at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his mother-in-law at a wedding. you know, hillary clinton's secret service code name is evergreen. bill clinton's is eagle. donald trump's code name is mogul. it is. and the secret service code name for melania was just revealed. it's muse. she wanted to be called moose, but they couldn't understand what she was saying. [ laughter ] mike pence's code name is hoosier. i tell you something. this is when i'm especially sad donald trump didn't pick chris christie to be his running mate, because there's no way his code name wouldn't be hilarious no matter what it was.
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[ laughter and applause ] by the way -- if you're going to announce someone's code name, why give them a code name? hillary's choice for running mate, virginia senator tim kaine gave a speech last night, where he revealed that not only does he habla espanol, he does an impression of donald trump. >> he's got a way of saying the same two words every time he makes his biggest, "yugest" promises. believe me. it's gonna be great, believe me. we're going to build a wall and make mexico pay for it, believe me. we're going to destroy isis so fast, believe me. there's nothing suspicious in my tax returns, believe me. >> jimmy: she believes him. he did such a convincing trump that tim kaine is now leading hillary clinton by 3%. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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since the candidates are now doing impressions, we decided to do the same. we went to the dnc this week, we went to the rnc last week, with sock puppets of hillary clinton and donald trump. we handed the clinton puppet to republicans and the trump puppets to democrats and let the impersonations fly. >> can you do an impression of donald trump talking about hillary clinton? >> hillary clinton is crooked hillary. hillary needs to learn that law and order -- law and order -- is where this country needs to go. >> give me an impression of hillary clinton. >> la la la la la la la la. if the mouth is moving, she must be lying. >> what do you mean i have e-mails on my private server? no, they're all deleted. >> well, first, we're going to build a real big wall, and then we're going to make them pay for it. >> mr. trump, it's between god and satan, and god will win
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every time. >> and, mr. trump? >> well, i -- i am better than god. >> do you write speeches for him? >> why do you expect the american people will believe what you are saying when you have done so many things that have hurt us and that we will get no relief -- >> let her talk a little. >> -- with the world you have left us in with barack obama. >> well, i think that i have done everything right. i have given -- hey, you're a white guy. hey, you're an older person. hey, you're a republican. what do i have in common with you? why would i talk to you? >> ask her out on a date, she likes you. >> i would say no, he cannot make america great again. and what do he mean about making america great again? >> what would you say to that? >> you misunderstood me.
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i said i'm going to make america hate again. >> i agree with that. >> compliment her hat. hilla hillary. compliment her hat. say something about her hat. >> no. >> i'll give you something. >> what will you give me? >> free schooling. >> free anything. >> it's a pretty good hillary. >> thank you. this is my first time. would you like five or ten minutes alone with that? >> i don't. >> what would you like to say to hillary clinton? >> drop dead. no, i'm serious. >> do me a favor, drink this bottle of water and have her sing "yankee doodle dandy." >> i don't think that's going to happen. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if the puppets can't bring us together, we're in a lot of trouble. donald trump is having a bumpy week. there's a big investigation today from buzzfeed that shows trumps private club, mar-a-lago and the golf club he owns filed applications to import 78
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foreign workers, including housekeepers, servers and cooks, to come into the u.s. to work for him. which is crazy. because it's very unlike him to say one thing and do the other. [ laughter and applause ] he wants to build a wall and bring in foreign workers. it's like he's playing a game of tick tack toe against himself. or maybe this is a telemundo prank show. we sent a bunch of workers to the united states, wait until they find out who their new boss is! trump also claimed that he was joking when he said he hoped russia would be able to find hillary clinton's e-mails he said he was joking, being sarcastic. but hacking, especially from countries that aren't our friends, is no joke. and on that thought, please welcome the troompaloompas, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ troompaloompa doompety doo ♪ i've got another puzzle for you ♪ ♪ troompaloompa doompety dee ♪ if you are wise ♪ you'll listen to me
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♪ what kind of nut asks russians to hack ♪ ♪ rashly inviting a cyber attack ♪ ♪ you should think twice what you ask them to do ♪ ♪ someday the russians might hurt you ♪ ♪ it might take your tax returns ♪ ♪ troompaloompa doompety doo ♪ you will live in happiness too ♪ ♪ like the troompaloompa doompety do ♪ ♪ ♪ i must break you [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, troompaloompas. he imported them too. we have to take a break. when we come back, that loser matt damon was on jimmy fallon last night, attacking me. we'll talk about that, and this week in unnecessary censorship too.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: sitting in with the cletones. welcome back to the show. greg kinnear is on the way. i don't want to ruin the mood, but i'm beside myself with rage. can you see how much i'm shaking? look at this. look at my hand. i'm very angry, because matt damon -- do you know who that is? [ cheers and applause ] i didn't ask for shouts of joy. anyway, he has -- matt damon has
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a new jason bourne movie coming out tomorrow. i have no plans to see it. i don't know anybody that wants to see it, but he's going around trying to convince people to waste money on it. this is what happened last night when he was on "the tonight show." >> i've seen you on talk shows. you've been on jimmy kimmel, i've seen that. >> no, no, i haven't. i haven't. >> maybe one day. >> you called me, one invite, boom, here, made it on the show. that's how you host a tv show. >> that's gonna hurt his feelings. >> jimmy: oh, really? that's how you host a talk show? [ cheers and applause ] well, then i have some very bad news for you, matt. you're not getting on the show tonight again either. [ cheers and applause ] that's right, you're not on the show again tonight. sorry, dummy, we can't hear anything you're saying. you can sit there all night long for all i care. we have better guests anyway. poor greg kinnear had to be
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siamese twins with that guy for a whole movie. [ laughter ] anyway, back to the convention. snoop dogg is in philadelphia right now. he's hosting what they call a unity party. it is easy to be united when everyone is high, i will say that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but snoop is not your average popstar. he -- snoop has his mind on his money and his money on his mind. but he also has a deep interest in learning. so tonight, we challenged him to guess what product is being made. we showed him video from a factory. well, the rest explains itself in the inaugural edition of "howz it mizzade." >> what up, this is big snoop dogg, trying to get how this [ bleep ]'s made. let me see what they making right here. oh, that's cereal. that's cream of wheat. wait a minute, maybe sheep hair. ooh, what is that, boo boo? flour.
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cookie dough. manure. chocolate. that look like a malt. chocolate malt. damn. what is it? oh, beef jerky? hotdogs? this is a hotdog? oh, man, i ain't never eating no [ bleep ] hot dog, ew! [ laughter and applause ] every time i see my kid with a hotdog, i'm knocking that [ bleep ] out of his hands. if that's how they make hotdogs, i don't want one of them. that was -- oh, kuz. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: one more thing before we forge ahead to this thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. whether they need it or not, it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> i want to start off by [ bleep ] my beautiful wife ann. >> tonight i ask you to do for
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hillary clinton, what you did for me. i ask you to [ bleep ] her, the same way you [ bleep ] me. >> i wanted to [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. >> i still see the donald trump who likes to [ bleep ] people in the [ bleep ] when he feels it. >> pat lewis, are you [ bleep ] in your britches this morning? >> one, two, three, [ bleep ] you. >> don't let anyone ever tell you that this [ bleep ] isn't great. >> i think it's an all hands on [ bleep ] big time. >> i'm a new yorker and i know a [ bleep ] when i see one. >> the dirty [ bleep ] you know is better than the dirty [ bleep ] you don't know. >> sometimes a jockey needs a [ bleep ] horse. it isn't always pleasant to watch, but it gets results. >> ooh, he likes it when you roll him over and ride on his [ bleep ]. >> show of hands, who likes small [ bleep ]? >> i do actually. >> she's a natural leader.
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she's a good organizer and she's the best darn [ bleep ] i ever met in my entire life. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show for you tonight. we've got joe bonamassa sitting in with the cletones, comedian dino archie is here, from the ufc dana white is here, and we'll be right back with greg kinnear. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ uide the surface pro 4 is the most powerful computer i've ever used everything that i do is really fast, and this is the best tool for running my business. craso come dive into disheser like the new alaska bairdi crab dinner with sweet crab from the icy waters of alaska. or try crab lover's dream with tender snow and king crab legs. love crab? then hurry, crabfest ends soon.
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this giant square that i couldn't find is called "blues of desperation." they're saying it's the feel-good album of the summer. so pick that up. joe will be here all night. and the multi millionaire, p promoting ufc 201 saturday, dana white is with us tonight. and this is his cd, it's called choosy lover, dino archie is here with us. next week on the show, we have a lot of guests and i'll name them noun, chris pine, salma hayek, hugh grant, morgan freeman, jojo the bachelorette, whoever she did or didn't pick. funny if she comes alone. mark consuelos, nikki glaser, steve martorano, and we will have music from kelsea ballerini, grouplove, miranda lambert, and young the giant. please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a multi-talented fellow who has oscar and golden globe nomination certificates in a drawer and an emmy welded to the hood of his car.
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his new drama, "little men," opens in theaters a week from tomorrow. please welcome greg kinnear. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like your facial hair. is this your own hair or hair that belongs to a character you are playing? >> matt damon's backstage and he's pissed, okay? try owl your jokes out right now because he's coming out here. he's rocking up dana white back stage. he's serious. >> jimmy: i'm glad he's not crazy glued to you, that must have been the worst weeks of your whole life. >> matt and i did a movie called "stuck on you," it was during that phase when they were making a lot of conjoined twin films. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: i wonder if that will come back around. >> yeah, well, it's a cyclical cycle. and it was brought to my attention the other day, that the person who separated us was dr. ben carson. no kidding. that's absolutely true. >> jimmy: dr. ben carson. yeah, at that time, we didn't know how interesting he was. we just thought he was a genius. >> listen, he's the only actor i've ever worked with who was able to give me an ekg after the scene was over, but, yeah -- >> jimmy: that's really crazy. have you been working all summer? >> i've been editing a movie. i directed a film at the end of last year. >> jimmy: oh, what's the title? have you settled on one yet? >> it is an untitled project. >> jimmy: you should give it a title. you really need to. >> yeah. i know. >> jimmy: what's the hold up? maybe we can figure it out tonight with the audience. what's it about? [ cheers and applause ]
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>> a depressed dentist in the portland area. >> jimmy: depressed dentist in portland. >> who is -- basically meets a man who has everything who ends up taking his own life by suicide. so he's trying to save his life by finding out an unraveling mystery as to why this guy did that, and in the course of this, becomes a greek plumber. >> jimmy: i have the title. drilling deep. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: right? >> it's not a porn film. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, we'll come up with it later, then, i guess. >> talk backstage. >> jimmy: yeah. everything's -- with your family -- how many kids do you have now? >> i have three daughters. >> jimmy: three daughters. do they go to camp at this time of year? >> you know what, they don't go to camp. my wife's from england, and this is an ongoing debate. they just don't have camps in europe as much as they do here.
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it's not as much a part of the culture. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: huh. >> yeah. i didn't either. so i'd like them to go to camp. but i had kind of a bad experience. i truthfully did have a very bad -- it wasn't bad for me, but there was a somewhat -- >> jimmy: can you tell us what happened? >> i can't tell you. >> jimmy: you cannot tell us, okay. [ audience booing ] >> jimmy: eh, come on. >> i was -- i'm from the midwest, from indiana. any indiana here? >> jimmy: no, we don't allow them in. go ahead. [ laughter ] >> this concludes the interview, ladies and gentlemen. i actually was at this camp as a kid. and there was a -- there was a gentleman, you know, it was standard camp. did you go to camp as a kid? >> jimmy: i didn't, no. my parents dropped us off at a schoolyard and paid 25 cents. there was a tether ball pole with a deflated tether ball at the end of it. and that was our camp.
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>> okay. well. this wasn't drastically different. >> jimmy: really. >> other than you would spend the night there. you would go for a week or two weeks. i went there. i was dropped off at the station wagon by my parents. got situated, went with a few friends. had a cabin. there was a kid in the cabin who was somewhat of a troubled kid. he was a pain in the ass, really. he was upsetting the cool camp counselor guy. so you had that dynamic. >> jimmy: what was his name, the troubled kid? >> dougie. little dougie. i do remember that. i don't know why it stuck with me. so this kid is nagging on this counsellor for a long period of time, and eventually i can tell that they're getting -- there's a tension building. and one day, we were doing archery, which for some reason, i don't know why archery is the de facto, go-to sport for camp. we're shooting a little archery. the counsellor, nash, cool guy,
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18, got the brillo haircut. he's like taking care of us. he's like, has anybody seen dougie? and nobody's seen dougie for a while. and he is just m.i.a. on this particular day. so we're shooting our bows and arrows and over the meadow, quite a ways away, suddenly a sesame seed of a kid walks up and he's shouting at the counselor, antagonizing him. he's a jerk, he's wearing the wrong outfit. and the counselor in a moment of -- i'll never forget, he didn't do it to -- didn't think he was going to hurt the kid, but he did take his bow and arrow, and he shot it in the direction of this sesame seed that's approaching us. and all ten of the little kids in this camp suddenly stop and i'm looking up, thinking, that's got some pretty good height on it. [ laughter ] and you can see this arrow moving, moving across the sky.
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and sure enough suddenly little dougie raises up his arm, and has an arrow through it. he's been shot. now, he's okay. >> jimmy: what? >> he's all right. but this guy, just in an act of accidental frustration, shot the arrow, hit the kid, and all i remember is 30 minutes later, my parents picking me up in the station wagon. and that ended my camp story. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: greg kinnear, the movie is called "little men." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (vo) making the most out of every mile. that's why i got a subaru impreza. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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>> you ever think about anybody other than yourself? huh? say something, jake! say something! one of the hardest things to realize when you're a child is that your parents are people too. you understand that? they care about things. they make mistakes. they try to do what they think is the right thing to do. does any of what i'm saying make any sense to you? what's so funny, tony? huh? why don't you tell me what's so funny, tony. you think you got it in you to be an actor? >> jimmy: tony doesn't take life very seriously.
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[ cheers and applause ] that's "little men," opens a week from tomorrow, starring greg kinnear. tell us why you're yelling at your son and his friend. >> that was his friend. it's not the most lovely scene for my character there. >> jimmy: i know. by the way, your acting is so good, it makes me feel like you must be kind of a mean father. >> yeah. [ laughter ] send those kids to camp! [ laughter ] no, honestly, they're great kids. >> jimmy: hold on, joe is exploding. >> oh my goodness gracious. >> jimmy: okay, we're all right. >> you're all right. i'm scarred from that. the actual -- the movie is called "little men," and it's a great film. >> jimmy: it is very good. i enjoyed it a lot. >> thank you very much. iris axe directed it. takes place in brooklyn. it's a dynamic of -- deals with gentrification. these two boys were fantastic in the movie. one of them is my son. create this friendship when we move into this neighborhood.
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unfortunately, we're forced, our family, because we have limited money, and are going through a hard time, to displace his friend and his friend's mother from below our little storefront in brooklyn where they've been working for many years. so it's a real mixed dynamic. it's a great film. he did a wonderful job with it, and i'm very happy with it. >> jimmy: you should be. you did a great job with it too. >> when i'm not screaming. >> jimmy: when you're not screaming. well, even when you are screaming you did a great job in it. speaking of your kids, i want to bring this up, because this is very impressive. this is a newspaper article about your daughter lily. how old is lily? >> 12 years old. >> jimmy: and she's a karate champion. >> yes, that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's lily. you can't see her at all, but -- how did this happen? >> you know, i don't know. i don't know. >> jimmy: you were not a karate champion at that age? >> i was not.
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and there's nothing in our family history or lineage that would suggest that she would ever take this up. she's just very good at it and took an interest a few years ago and has gotten exceedingly better and she's trained in weapons. >> jimmy: what kind of weapons is she trained in? >> well, they're like -- like jackknives or something. i don't know what they call them. these sort of sword, little miniature sword knives. >> jimmy: at the meet, does she fight the other children with knives, or is it a purely a wave them around kind of thing? >> no, i don't think they actually fight with the knives. they do have, you know, do actual fighting. dana white should be here telling us about this. >> jimmy: from the ufc, yeah. dana could sign your daughter up. do you think that's something your daughter might one day be interested in doing, fighting mixed martial arts? >> i sure hope not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know. what could be worse than watching that? >> first time you see a 12-year-old put a mouthpiece in, you get a little like, whoa, sure you don't want to play soccer?
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yeah, but she's very good in it, and very disciplined in it, and she takes it quite seriously. >> jimmy: if she continues studying, at what age will she be actually able to beat her father up? >> i think we crossed that already. >> jimmy: you may have crossed that already. >> however, she five years away from college, so i'm perfectly fine with it. >> jimmy: to hell with it, right? combination of pride and humiliation, really, when something like that happens. it's very good to see you. the movie is called "little men." greg kinnear, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] opens a week from tomorrow. we'll be right back with dana white from the ufc. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back. joe bonamassa sitting in with the cletones. our next guest puts more violent americans to work than anyone has before. he presides over the ultimate fighting championship. "ufc 201: lawler vs woodley" airs live, saturday night on pay-per-view.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? well, we are fellow las vegans. >> yes, i went to school with your cousins. >> jimmy: i know you did. gorman high school. with my cousins. happy birthday, by the way. >> thank you, appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] >> i feel every minute of 47. >> jimmy: is this the happiest birthday yet after making $4 billion? >> it doesn't suck. >> jimmy: you had 9% of the ufc, is that correct? >> that's correct. i had 10%. and then we sold a point to abu dhabi when they bought a few years ago. and then we just -- >> jimmy: so now you have $360 million, plus whatever you had before that, correct? >> i got a couple bucks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: does it all come at once, or are there installments?
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is there a giant novelty check that you're presented with, like ed mcmahon used to? >> when you do a deal like this, it has to go through a bunch of regulation, and once all the regulation is done and the thing finally closes, i guess you just get a check. >> jimmy: wow. >> i guess that's how it works. >> jimmy: will you build a castle? [ laughter ] >> you know, i'm at a point -- this is kind of -- you know. i'm 47. i've been working -- we've been doing this for almost 20 years. i don't know what else i need. you know? >> jimmy: that's a good way to look at it. but i can figure some things out, if you -- [ laughter ] >> i can tell you this, and this is the honest to god truth. when this deal closed, it bugged me out a little bit. >> jimmy: why? >> i don't know. when you make that kind of money and -- my partners, i've been with them for 20 years. so that's all going to change. i have new partners now. and yeah, i kind of howard hughes'd myself up in a hotel room for a couple of days. didn't sleep or eat. freaked me out a bit. >> jimmy: do you have people asking you for money already? >> oh, yeah.
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[ bleep ]. >> jimmy: relatives coming out of the woodwork. >> i don't answer any family phone calls at all. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tell us the story of how you got involved with ufc. when you got involved with it, it was a small thing, nobody was really paying attention to it. >> yeah, so the easiest version of it, i was a boxing guy. i've been in the fight game since i was 19 years old. my partner, lorenzo fertitta, they own station casinos in las vegas. >> jimmy: that's where our band leader cleto got his start, playing saxophone in the palace station. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, did he? oh, wow. small world. so we always said we were going to do something. i managed tito ortiz and chuck liddel at the time. and i used to get into the contract negotiations with the old owner of the ufc. and basically one day, we were on the phone. i was talking about pay-per-view and he's like, pay per view if this is no pay per view, this
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thing's going out of business, we're losing money, all of this stuff. and i said, wow. i called my partner lorenzo in miami at the time. and i said, i think we can buy the ufc. i think these guys are in trouble. they're going out of business. a couple months later, we bought it for $2 million. >> jimmy: $2 million, now you told it for $4 billion. have you heard from the guy you bought it from? for $2 million? [ laughter and applause ] >> his name is bob myowitz. he's a guy from new york, like a tv guy. he had spent a lot of his own money trying to make this thing work. yeah, we were inducted -- >> jimmy: please send bob a million dollars. [ laughter ] >> we were inducting bob into the hall of fame. the ufc hall of fame. >> jimmy: oh, that's great, he gets a plaque. [ laughter ] >> when the deal was announced, he canceled. >> jimmy: oh, no! oh my god. >> i love you bob. >> jimmy: poor bob. yeah, you love him.
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are you a boss that your fighters like working for? are you tough? are you compassionate? >> who likes their boss? >> jimmy: well, i like my boss. he's number one. [ laughter and applause ] >> probably true. >> jimmy: guillermo loves his boss. >> we all love the boss publicly. it's one of those things. at the end of the day, our fighters are independent contractors. so they can really -- i can't make anybody fight. i put together fights. i build the platform. i, you know, do all the bells and whistles, and they have to show up and deliver. but i have good relationships with most of the guys. there's some guys i can't stand. >> jimmy: there's some crazy guys in that league. >> we don't have to love each other to do business together. you know? >> jimmy: i see. how did you wind up speaking at the republican national convention? >> so, crazy story. when we first bought the ufc, it had such a bad stigma attached to it, no venues wanted us at all. >> jimmy: especially in new york. you had a problem -- >> it was banned in new york. yeah, it was banned in new york. wasn't regulated by any of the
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athletic commissions except new jersey. donald trump called. and the thing is, when you look at where donald trump's brand was then and where our brand was, the fact that this guy called and said, i would love for you to come and hold the event here in atlantic city. he did the deal himself. he was so involved. then when we went out there and put on the show, the guy shows up for the first prelim, until the last -- till the main event. twice. so we did two with him. then we left and went to the meadowlands, because it was bigger. showed up at the meadowlands and did that. any time anything's happened in my career, he's the first guy to pick up the phone and call, and say congratulations, unbelievable, i knew you'd do it. he's always been a great guy. >> jimmy: so you've been friends for a long time. and he asked you to speak at the convention? >> so what happened is, one saturday, i was hanging out at my house and my phone starts going crazy. and they said, donald trump just said in the "new york times" that he's asking you to speak at the convention. all this press is calling me.
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i'm like -- he hasn't asked me anything. it's in the paper. you know? i didn't even know about it, whatever. then he called me. even the way he handled it. on the phone. he said, i understand, when you own a business, to be political, he said, i completely understand if you don't want to do it, no hard feelings. i said, i'm in, i'm in, i'll do it. >> jimmy: that was all you needed to hear from him? >> that was it. i mean, that -- >> jimmy: has he promised you an ambassadorship? or a cabinet position, anything like that? >> no, nothing like that. >> jimmy: because you could get that out of him. [ laughter ] you really could. >> i'm good. i'll stay out of that mess. >> jimmy: you will be with the ufc for at least five years, potentially beyond that? >> yeah. when you do deals like this, i have a five-year deal. >> jimmy: yeah, they want you to stay, because otherwise it's not necessarily worth anything if you're not there anymore, right? >> thank you. i don't know if that's true but -- >> jimmy: well, yeah, but -- >> that's nice, thank you.
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but no, it's one of those things -- i'm 47. i love this sport, i love what i do for a living. i would have signed a 55-year deal with these guys. so i'm in. >> jimmy: congratulations on all your success. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ufc 201, lawler versus woodley, saturday night. we'll be right back with dino archie. dana white, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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i'm hillary clinton, and i approve this message. michael hayden: if he governs consistent with some of the things he said as a candidate, i would be very frightened. gillian turner: he's been talking about the option of using a nuclear weapon against our western european allies. max boot: this is not somebody who should be handed the nuclear codes. charles krauthammer: you have to ask yourself, do i want a person of that temperament controlling the nuclear codes? and as of now, i'd have to say no. [bill o'reilly sighs]
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and as of now, i'd have to say no. choose effortless glide from choosside to side. choose knee-loving, underarm-caring, bikini line-baring. choose venus swirl. with five contour blades and a flexi-ball, it pivots with every dip and divot. choose to smooth. venus swirl. >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny man with a comedy album called "choosy lover." on his website, dinoarchie.com. please welcome dino archie! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> yes, excited to be here on "jimmy kimmel live." this is very exciting. i am a little hungover. i just had a birthday two months ago. and after 30, a hangover turns into pneumonia. but at this age, life still reminds me i'm not quite an adult.
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i try to log into my itunes account. forgot the password. they started asking me all the public at quus lose personal questions. what's your mother's maiden name? why is your dad not proud of you? [ laughter ] then they gave me an option. they said, would you like to retrieve a security question you wrote yourself four years ago. i'm like, of course i'll know this. no lie, the question i wrote myself was, my [ bleep ] what it do. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? that means four year ago me is like, you always know what it do, homeboy! you'll never not know what it do! i have no idea what it do. i don't know what it did. i don't know why itunes let me do that. why weren't they like, are you sure? it's like a time capsule for ignorance.
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i am in a relationship and netflix is keeping us together. yeah, because when you're in a bad relationship, you bond over a series. you know, you're like, pablo, move that dope. let's get it! but the only way to break that bond is if you watch the next episode without her. it's like cheating. you know, i was in dubai and my girl called me, 3:00 a.m. her time and she's pissed. i'm like, what's wrong? she goes, i had this nightmare that you were watching the finale of "game of thrones" without me. right? i'm like, i'd never do that. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but i have a really -- i have a really old laptop, though. and the sound kept playing. right? she's like, who's that in the background? is that kalisi? i just had to lie, i'm like that's just some chick i met at the club tonight.
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she's like, okay, i'm going back to sleep. she didn't give a [ bleep ]. but you gotta have -- you gotta have the show ready, because once your series ends, your relationship ends. unless you have something ready. so the show that we found was "the bachelorette." right? i don't know, yeah. first i wasn't on board. i'm like, why am i watching this? what is this? ten minutes later, i'm like, oh my god. is she gonna sleep with nick? is she gonna tell shaun? she can't tell shaun. he's too insecure. like, i fell in love with these characters. the host is the best. has the best job on tv. 20 years, chris harrison pops up every episode twice. to get his money, you know, like, right, he knocks on the door, she lives in the mansion. she opens up like hey, chris. he's like, hey, kaitlin, how you
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feeling? i'm so confused. he's like, you'll figure it out. then he leaves. he comes back during the rose ceremony and he's late. he comes back when there's one rose left. he doesn't know what's going on. caitlin, you have one rose left. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and the biggest thing, though, is the break-up. the break-up is crazy. it's like when she's breaking up with dudes, it's like a scary movie, you know, like, i get into it. so i'm watching and i'm screaming at the tv. this dude's walking to her house. i'm like, no, turn around, man! don't go in the house! she's gonna dump you! but he doesn't know that, because he hasn't seen the previews. [ laughter ] that's my time, thank you so much, man.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: dino archie, everybody. you're right, chris harrison is a slacker. i'd like to thank all my guests. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching. good night! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, a spectacular fall. kathleen cain was pennsylvania's first elected female attorney general, crusading against corruption, uncovering thousands of pornographic, racist, and sexist e-mails leading to the downfall of high-ranking state officials. until she came under investigation herself. >> did you break the law, have you broken the law? >> no, of course not. >> the verdict is in. plus for decades it was illegal to have more than one child in china. except in villages like this one where nearly every couple mysteriously has one boy and one girl. we journey to the remote territory and uncover centuries-old fertility rituals. >> this is where the people are going to come to take their oath and drink the pig blood.

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