tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- hillary clinton -- and john krasinski -- with cleto and the cletones -- and now, pace yourselves, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming.
we have been away on vacation for two weeks and we were welcomed back to work today by the secret service and their bomb-sniffing dogs. which by the way as far as jobs for dogs go bomb-sniffing is the worst one. you're trained to intentionally find something that can blow you up. anyway it's all of course because hillary clinton is here -- [ cheers and applause ] hillary clinton could be one of the first, if not the first, female presidents of the united states. [ cheers and applause ] one of the things mrs. clinton is working on, besides being here, is getting ready for debates with drurp. which are going to be great. these are going to be better than the diaz/mcgregor fight this weekend. to get ready typically the candidates practice against the stand and have mock debates. the clinton campaign admitted they're having trouble finding someone to stand in for donald trump. hillary's campaign manner said it's hard to find someone to
mimic the reckless tell personal and hateful and dave vicive instincts of donald trump. which to which i say, have they ever been on facebook? i think they can find a lot of viable candidates there. [ cheers and applause ] they're looking for someone who not only knows donald trump but is equally as intense and unpredictable. i don't know how hard they've been looking but i think i have the perfect guy for the job. >> treasu.r.u.m.p., taking redestruction, understanding massive power. >> jimmy: that's right. duct tape gary busey to kanye west and she can practice-depaid them. donald trump is trailing hillary clinton in i think every major poll except one, especially among african-americans. according to a "wall street journal"/nbc news poll clinton leads trump among african-american voters 9-1. tr 91 to 91 with respect. trump made an appeal to black
voters in front of an all-white audience. "you're living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58% of your youth is unemployed, what the hell do you have to lose?" basically the same pitch he uses when he proposes to his wives. he also guaranteed that after four years in office, he said, i guarantee i will get more than 95% of the average arm vofrican. and if he doesn't he will sue every black person in america. donald trump, with the possible exception of stranger things on netflix, the subject people are talking about most this summer. a group of artists paid special tribute to him with statues in his likeness in cleveland, l.a., seattle, san francisco, and new york this weekend. >> naked life-sized statues of donald trump are showing up in new york and other major cities. here's the statue in union square before parks department employees removed it this afternoon. it's one of five across the country. >> jimmy: looks like someone has a good story on snapchat.
so that's fun. did you watch the olympics? [ cheers and applause ] if you didn't it's too late. the olympics are over. the closing ceremony was last night. i like to take this opportunity to thank our american olympic athletes for being in shape so we don't have to. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's quite a sacrifice. the u.s. team dominated. i think the olympics would be more fun if they selected a random assortment of people from each country. like they pick a name out of a hat and your mom all of a sudden has to do judo. against someone from bulgaria. that would be a representation of our physical prowess, right? the next olympics are going to be held in tokyo. i have to say it worries me. i hope ryan lochte doesn't get attacked by godzilla while he's there. for all the bright and shining stars on the u.s. olympic team, none was less bright than ryan
lochte. he lost all his major endorsements today. ralph lauren, speedo, a mattress company, and something called gentle hair removal. so they weren't that major. but they dropped him after he concocted a story about being robbed at gun point in rio. turned out he and three other swimmers weren't robbed at gunpoint, they got drunk and vandalized a gas station bathroom. the u.s. olympic committee said he let american down. acting like a drunken jackass in a foreign country, what's more american than that? [ laughter ] [ applause ] besides losing endorsements he could be banned from swimming. not just competitive swimming. even when he goes to a friend's house for a barbecue he will not be allowed to swim. this morning ryan sat down with matt lauer on the "today" show to explain what he was thinking and to take responsibility for his actions. >> the first version of the story you told, ryan, was much more about the mean streets of rio. >> yeah. >> and the version we're hearing now is much more about a
negotiated settlement to cover up some dumb behavior. >> and -- that's why i'm taking full responsibility for it. is because i overexaggerated that story. and if i never did -- done that, we wouldn't be in this mess. >> jimmy: right, it's true. if you hadn't done it, you wouldn't be in this mess. just like if mike tyson hadn't gotten that tattoo on his face, he wouldn't have a tattoo on his face. [ laughter ] i think they're making the swim caps too tight or something. matt lauer gave lochte a chance to set the record straight and he did do a pretty good job with that. >> if i were to ask you the same question again right now and say, were you robbed on sunday morning in rio, how would you answer it? >> something will pop up in my head. it could be like the weirdest thing. like all of a sudden like i have like a jumping banana in my head and i just stop and pause. i'm like, that damn jumping banana's in my head. no, what's going on up there? >> jimmy: was it a banana or a
plantain, ryan? i know everyone is upset about this and he did do a dumb thing but let me say in his defense, ryan lochte has spent probably a full third of his life under water which means his brain does not get enough oxygen to properly function. he's not able to make the kind of basic decisions most of us are able to make. like how many quarters are in a dollar. which shoe goes on which foot. he's not that much smarter than a tuna fish. so yes, if you judge ryan lochte as a person what he did was unacceptable. if you judge him as a fish? he's actually kind of a genius. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] a fish who's smart enough to lie on television? you could build a whole aquarium around that. give the kid a break. how high can your expectations be for someone who doesn't wear a shirt to work? i'm hoping they make him the next bachelor, i really am. [ cheers and applause ] instead of ryan lochte, this is -- i think this is what
people should be 18 are about. while on vacation this happened. that's right. matt damon is wearing a bun now. remember matt and ben? now it's matt and bun. i bet he thought we'd miss that too. he thought he was safe. i want to show you something that has me upset. i'm currently running for vice president of the united states. [ cheers and applause ] i take this seriously. i'm out there every day on the streets talking to voters and collecting pokemon, you can go both. but unfortunately, a special interest group, a not so super pac, has been trying to stop me by running attack ads like this. >> jimmy kimmel is running for vice president. >> i am officially running for vice president of the united states! >> but can jimmy kimmel really be trusted? [ voice of matt damon ] >> time and time he has proven to be deceitful. >> apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him.
>> duplicitous. >> we ran out of hyme for him. >> a liar. why does jimmy kimmel mislead people? humiliate them? >> to get matt damon to deliver his lines they put peanut butner his mouth to make it look like he's talking. >> physically assault them. make them dress up like fruit for no reason. >> i can't believe i fell for that. >> if jimmy kimmel [ bleep ] ben affleck, who's he going to [ bleep ] next? america? >> paid for by citizens for a kimmel-free america. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're definitely running out of time for him tonight. as this election inches closer, there's more pressure to pretend we have any idea of what we're talking about when we have conversations with other people. most people go along with whatever party they support no matter the facts. this afternoon we had fun with that. we went on the street in front of our theater and asked people about hillary clinton's big announcement this morning. now, mrs. clinton did not make a
big announcement this morning. or any announcement this morning. but did that stop people from weighing in on it anyway? let's find out in tonight's "presidential election themed lie witness news." >> did you think hillary clinton seemed trustworthy during her big announcement this morning? >> absolutely. it's time she came forward and was hobbs with the american people. it's the announcement we were waiting for. >> what about that announcement was honest to you? >> just the way she said it. where she was at. and with her husband by her side, i thought that was something that we needed to see. >> how would you describe her announcement this morning? do you think it's on the right side of history or a little bit extreme? >> no, i mean, i guess it's right there where it should be yeah. on the right side. >> were people around you surprised? >> no. but that's because i was by myself. >> oh, okay. where did you see it? >> on the news at home. >> oh, okay. did you feel hillary clinton showed strength during her big announcement this morning?
>> yep. sure did. >> how so? >> it was just coming back at 'em. >> where were you when you saw the announcement? >> um -- we were over across the street at the hard rock. >> oh, cool. they were showing it over there? >> yes. >> and who was with you? >> um -- me and my daughter here. >> was it hard to hear her announcement with the hard rock sound system or could you hear it pretty well? >> they had closed captioning so i was able to read her words. >> how do you think hillary clinton's announcement will affect the banks? >> it might cause the market to surge. i'm not entirely sure, i'm not an economist. it might cause fluctuation, i believe. >> did she seem thrilled to you during that announcement? >> define that. >> how would you define that? >> yeah, i think she was. >> okay. >> she probably could have picked maybe a little better time to announce this. but that's just my opinion. >> what was the announcement again? >> um -- which part of it? >> just any part of it.
>> um -- we're talking about the em mails now? >> no. just the announcement with -- what she announced. >> what she announced? don't remember. >> yeah. how would you summarize hillary clinton's announcement this morning? >> laughable, not worthwhile, not necessary. >> fictitious? >> yeah, fake. yeah. >> completely made up? >> made up. >> didn't happen? >> yeah. >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all registered voters which is good news. tonight john krasinski is here with us. randolph is sitting in with the cletones and we'll be right back with hillary clinton. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: hi, welcome back. that's robert randolph sitting in with cleto and the cletones. he's with us all week. you can see robert live with zz top on sunday night in boston. tonight from the new movie "the hollars" which he directed and stars in too, the always delightful john krasinski is here. [ cheers and applause ] last time he was here, something terrible happened involving egg nothing. we're hoping that does not repeat itself tonight. tomorrow night 50 cent will be with us, from "narcos" pablo escobar himself wagner moura, we'll have music from kongos and later this week, bob odenkirk, natalie portman, kendall jenner, usher, jidenna and kiefer sutherland.
please join us for all of those people. when most people move back into the house they used to live in, it means things have gone poorly in their lives, but not so for our first guest. she's running for president and i think she's here to ask me to be her running mate. please welcome hillary clinton. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: who would have guessed this audience would be so enthusiastic about the cofounder of isis? [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. that was one of the crazier things that's been said this campaign. >> jimmy: do you laugh? do you think it's funny?
do you get upset? how does it hit you? >> it's really funny, jimmy. i don't get upset anymore. because i'd be upset all the time so i don't get upset. i think it's crazy. but then i think, you know, this is like giving aid and comfort to the bad guys. >> jimmy: do you think so? >> i really do. i think there's enough evidence now that when trump talks the way he talks, it actually helps the terrorists. because they make a case, as they made with this comment. "oh, well, see, hillary clinton, barack obama, they created isis, we heard this from donald trump who's running for president, he's the republican nominee." i think it's crazy but i think it's also harmful. >> jimmy: how do you prepare for a debate with donald trump? >> i'm here to ask your help. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i might be able to fill in for him. >> well -- >> jimmy: can you prepare -- >> you have to prepare.
but i watched a lot of his debates during the primaries and he insulted all of his opponents. >> jimmy: right. >> he insulted all the moderators, he insulted i guess about 80% of the american people and the rest of the world. and so how do you prepare for that? i think on the one hand, it's a serious chance for americans to tune in and if they haven't made up their minds to try to make up their minds so i want to take it seriously. i want to talk about what i think we can do and how important it is. but you've got to be prepared for wacky stuff that comes at you. >> jimmy: yeah. and i am drawing on my experience in elementary school. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> the guy who pulled your ponytail. >> jimmy: the ponytail puller but that meant he liked you, really. you have to think maybe donald trump has a secret crush on you. [ laughter ] it's his way expressing it.
>> this is how great rumors get started. >> speaking of rumors the new one is that you are unhealthy, that you had a concussion. >> right. >> jimmy: rudy giuliani on fox news yesterday and today saying you seem sick, you look tired, et cetera, et cetera. are you in good health? >> well, this has become one of their themes. you take my pulse while i'm talking to you. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] make sure i'm alive. >> jimmy: oh my god, there's nothing there. >> there's nothing there, what can i say. back in october, the national enquirer said i would be dead in six months. >> jimmy: oh, boy. >> with every breath i take -- >> jimmy: you have a new lease on life. >> a new lease on life. i don't know, i don't know why they are saying this. i think on the one hand it's part of the wacky strategy. just say all these crazy things and maybe you can get some people to believe you. on the other hand, it just absolutely makes no sense.
i don't go around questioning donald trump's health. i mean, as far as i can tell he's healthy as a horse. >> jimmy: his doctors said he had the best medical examine he's ever seen in a human being. [ laughter ] >> yeah. yeah, i saw that. >> jimmy: can you open this jar of pickles? this has not been tampered with. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> rrr! >> jimmy: oh, oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's not been touched. >> you are so funny. no, i mean -- i do feel sometimes like this campaign has entered into an alternative universe. so i'm out here talking about, hey, here's how we can create a lot more good jobs, here's how we can help young people pay off their student debts, here's how we can make -- [ applause ] -- college more affordable, here's what we do about health care, lots of issues, prescription drugs, mental health, addiction. i'm out here talking about all
of this. then i have to sort of step into the alternative reality. and, you know, answer questions about am i alive? how much longer will i be alive? and the like. >> jimmy: if you were elected president, how great would it be if your first act was to deport donald trump to mexico? [ cheers and applause ] can the president do that? >> no. well, i'm not into deporting anybody except violent people. >> jimmy: okay. all right. well, that second amendment comment may have qualified. >> well, that's another part of the alternative universe. look. this is such a serious time in our country. >> jimmy: not really. not really. [ laughter ] >> we have so many opportunities and there's so much we can do. and i'm just trying to keep it on something resembling a level playing field here. >> jimmy: would you prefer to be running against somebody boring like mitt romney? who's just kind of a vanilla
guy? >> i would prefer to be running against somebody who i thought was qualified to be president and temperamentally fit to be commander in chief, yeah. i would be, absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, i think that in all the presidents that i have seen during my lifetime, that i've read about in history, we've had great ones, not so great ones. but i don't think we've ever been confronted with somebody who we see right now in the midst of this election is unqualified and temperamentally unfit. so all these republicans are endorsing me and writing letters -- >> jimmy: which one has surprised you the most of people from the other side who endorsed you? >> there have been a lot. i mean, three people who i am very grateful to, one brent scowcroft, who is one of the leaders on the republican side, really strong, steady, calm national security and foreign policy. hank paulson, the treasury secretary who i think convinced
president bush in doing the right thing when we were facing such a terrible financial crisis. meg whitman who is a very successful chief executive, always been a republican. there's a long list of people like that who -- it's not an easy thing for them. and i recognize that they're putting country before party. that's what they say to me. and i think that's what we all should be doing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. hillary clinton is here with us. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. steve. yeah? clarence is on a roll. yeah. i wish they'd name an event after me. same here. but the model year end becky event? that's no good... stevent! that's just vandalism. whatever you want to call it, don't miss the volkswagen
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>> jimmy: we are back. hillary clinton is here. john krasinski is on the way. that democratic national convention started off, it looked like it might go south. and then i have to believe that as the person who is really kind of the subject of that four-day period, that had to be one of the best times of your life, right? >> it was, absolutely. >> jimmy: a room of all those people saying nice things about you. >> yeah, that was nice. >> jimmy: yeah, usually you have to die to get that. >> that's true but you know, i'm on the brink. >> jimmy: not according to the
pickles. >> i really loved the convention. because it really showcased a lot of americans who represent millions of other americans. people who are brave and courageous and outspoken. and that's what i wanted everybody to see. that we don't all have to agree on everything, but we should treat each other with respect. we should listen to each other. we should try to help each other. i don't think that's too much to ask. i think the convention did a good job in sending that message out. >> jimmy: when your daughter writes a speech about you or your husband writes a speech about you, do you as the candidate go through the speech before they deliver it? >> no. >> jimmy: you do not? neither one of them? >> no, neither one of them. partly because they have every right to say whatever they want to say. but also because i didn't want to interfere with whatever they were thinking and how they wanted to express themselves. and i was pretty nervous about everything anyway. so i didn't want to get more nervous. >> jimmy: your husband seemed to -- can we have that
videotape? he seemed -- it seemed like he'd seen balloons for the first time in his life. [ laughter ] roll that one more time in slow motion. look at how delighted he is. by the balloons. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i feel maybe he hasn't gotten enough balloons in his life. >> well, we were all pretty excited about the balloons. that's one of the things i love about my husband is that he enjoys so many things. >> jimmy: like helium. balloons is one of them. >> jimmy: this is your hotel room? >> that's our hotel room. don't tell anybody, he took a balloon for our granddaughter. you know, she's too little, she wasn't there the night before. our nephews and our niece were. bill took one of the balloons and the next morning we played with charlotte and the balloon. the balloon fantasy and excitement continues. >> jimmy: are you enjoying being a grandparent? >> it is the best, jimmy. >> jimmy: do you wish you had
more time that this campaign didn't coincide with the kids being so little? >> i think i'd be distraught if we didn't have facetime. >> jimmy: you do that a lot? >> all the time. >> jimmy: have you considered using facetime instead of e-mail? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> actually -- actually, i think that's really good advice. >> jimmy: not a bad idea. >> not a bad idea. it's a good idea. >> jimmy: the state department -- i actually added it up today. the state department said that they have to release 15,000 e-mails by the deadline, a couple of days before the debate. are you concerned about that? >> no. >> jimmy: because i would be terrified if my e-mails were released. >> but jimmy -- my e-mails are so boring. >> jimmy: yeah. mine aren't. >> i'm embarrassed about that they're so boring. so we've already released, i don't know, 30,000 plus. so what's a few more? >> jimmy: at the end, you're not concerned there's going to be something that donald trump is able to use against you, that
the republicans -- that comes in at the last second? >> but he makes up stuff to use against me. if he would stick with reality i wouldn't have a worry in the world. >> jimmy: have you ever sent him an e-mail? >> no. >> jimmy: you have not, okay. that would be some plot twist. >> no. [ laughter ] i think i have missed that opportunity. >> jimmy: i would like to give you an opportunity -- we have a fish bowl. it's got real quotes from donald trump. >> okay. >> jimmy: my challenge to you is, can you read these without cracking a smile? with a straight face? these are actual quotes. you will select them randomly from this bowl. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if you're able to read them without laughing you get to keep the bowl. >> i get to keep the bowl? >> jimmy: all right, so go ahead. >> all right. >> jimmy: give it a go. >> that's kind of yuck reserve. >> jimmy: yeah, like a halloween party or something. >> all right, okay. i took a bunch. >> jimmy: take whatever you
like, all right. >> here we go. >> jimmy: these again are actual quotes. >> i think apologizing's a great thing but you have to be wrong. i will absolutely apologize sometime in the hopefully distant future if i'm ever wrong. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. well done. >> profound, that's profound. profound. number one, i have great respect for women. i was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry. >> jimmy: you think he's talking about actual glass that he broke? >> well, i think some of his places have glass ceilings. >> jimmy: that's true. >> yeah. >> jimmy: classy, all right. >> who knows. okay. let me see. these are the milder ones, actually. if i were running "the view" i'd fire rosie o'donnell. i mean, i'd look at her right in that fat ugly face of hers. i'd say, rosie, you're fired. >> jimmy: all right. >> that's not funny.
>> jimmy: you have one more. we'll see if you can do it. >> i mean, that's the whole deal. i mean, do you want a "you're fired" president or a "you're hired" president? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like a little of each, a combination. >> okay. >> jimmy: one more. >> i can't read this. >> jimmy: is it bad? >> i can't read it. >> jimmy: let me see which one. i've said, if ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps i'd be dating her. [ audience groaning ] >> jimmy: we didn't make these up, these are real quotes. all right, you do get to keep the bowl. this is nice, you can fill it with candy. [ laughter ] one more segment with hillary clinton, john krasinski's here too, be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ne in th. that's right, a free samsung galaxy with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line.
>> jimmy: we're back with hillary clinton. john krasinski is on the way. do you think jeb bush is going to vote for you? >> oh, i don't know. >> jimmy: do you ever talk to him? >> no, i haven't talked to him? when is the last time you spoke to bernie sanders? >> at the convention. >> jimmy: at the convention, that was the last time, he doesn't call you? >> no, well, i mean, we are really working hard together. he's doing a lot for the
campaign. i'm very grateful. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have a little bit of a bone to pick before we go. >> oh, dear. >> jimmy: i assume you're aware of my historic run for vice president of the united states. >> i am aware of it, jimmy. i am aware of that, yes. >> jimmy: when you were deciding who your running mate would be, at any point did anyone mention my name? was that ever entertained? >> oh, i want you to know we took you very seriously. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yes, you were on the list. >> jimmy: see, i don't believe -- you know, because you picked tim kaine. were you looking for somebody who looks like he jumped out of the front row at a jimmy buff let concert? [ laughter ] >> i was looking for somebody who's been a successful mayor, a governor, a senator -- >> jimmy: i've been all of those things. i've been a lot of those things. >> never lost an election, has a great record. >> jimmy: it's not too late to dump timmy and get jimmy on, you know what i'm saying? [ cheers and applause ] >> i mean, one of the advantages of that is we'd just have to
change the first letter. >> jimmy: easy, i'll go with "tim," no problem. >> i was really impressed he plays the harmonica so well. >> jimmy: you know what? i play harmonica just as badly as he does. >> i've never seen you play the harmonica. >> jimmy: i do it in my car. let's make a list of pros and cons. >> okay. >> jimmy: i will come up with the cons and you come up with the pros as far as tim kaine goes. i think at the end you'll see i'm the better choice. number one. con, he seems like the kind of guy who has a belt clip for his cell phone. >> well, he is the kind of guy who is incredibly well regarded and respected and successful. >> jimmy: he will definitely -- >> and however he carries his cell phone is fine with me. >> jimmy: he will definitely do the macarena at your inauguration. >> i hate to break it to you but i'll be doing it with him. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you will. i have a feeling he will show up wearing crocs at some kind of a
state department dinner. >> well -- have you worn crocs? >> jimmy: no. >> well, see, i have. >> jimmy: oh. >> they can be quite comfortable. >> jimmy: he probably has a funny song on his voice mail, right? ♪ tim isn't here like that. have you ever called his phone? >> doesn't everybody have a funny song? >> jimmy: he probably has one of those hats with beer cans attached to the side. >> no, we made him get rid of that. >> jimmy: you did. are you at all concerned he will greet foreign dignitaries by asking them to pull his finger? [ laughter ] >> that was never raised. >> jimmy: well, with all due respect, i think the choice is clear to everyone here. certainly in our audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i accept your unspoken but obvious invitation. >> well, you know, i'm really, really sorry but we've kind of moved on. but here is what i would like to offer. >> jimmy: oh! >> we could have like a vice vice president. >> jimmy: for real?
i would love to be vice vice president. i accept your offer. thank you, secretary clinton. i'm going to be the next vice vice president of the united states! [ cheers and applause ] oh, look! take one of these home to bill. hillary clinton, everybody. be right back with john krasinski! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ crabfest is on at red lobster
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>> jimmy: good to see you. first of all, thank you for sliding into the second guest spot to accommodate secretary clinton. >> i was really thrown by that. >> jimmy: were you? >> i got here and i thought, finally the respect i deserve. having a full security detail. >> jimmy: you look like one of them. >> great, you're patting everybody down, thank god, he's dangerous. then i realized it was for a presidential candidate. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> how boring. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> doing great, thank you. >> jimmy: you have two baby daughters at home. >> i do. >> jimmy: a toddler and a little baby, hazel and violet. >> yes. >> jimmy: both named after colors. >> you actually remembered their names. >> of course. >> he lives in space, guys. he just gets it from his assistant? what now? got it. zebop and haze-bo. >> jimmy: is hazel enjoying violet's presence in your home? >> yes, absolutely. 2 1/2, she's young enough to
know that's adorable and i get a lot of attention when i do things like hug her. as long as she doesn't mess with my stuff we're good. that's kind of the relationship they have. >> jimmy: there's little messing with the stuff because violet -- >> violet as not the most mobile person yet. >> jimmy: do you ever go, wow, i can't believe i have two little daughters. >> i looked today and they were holding each other in a picture emily sent, just so i would feel ult ultra-bad not being there. she loves to make me sad. >> jimmy: really? >> no, she was celebrating how sweet it was. i do say, i can't believe i have these two amazing girls. >> are you helping out around the house more now that you have two babies? >> i do, i started cooking. >> is that right? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hold on. don't clap for that. >> absolutely clap for that. >> jimmy: why don't i know about this? >> it took me 36 years to learn to cook for myself. >> jimmy: i'd be less shocked if you told me you had a boyfriend than you learned to cook.
>> wait sill the next sentence. it started with a mother's day gift to emily. it's sad that's what impresses her, goes to show how unimpressive i am. i'm going to cook you a meal. she was like, oh my god! >> jimmy: wow. >> that was my mother's day gift to her. because she's from england, they do a lot of roasts. i'm going to do a roast. it was sweet because my wife said what are you going to cook? i said, a roast. i saw her go, oh. i said, why? she says, it's rave difficult, choose something else. and i made one mean roast. >> jimmy: you did? >> oh yeah. >> jimmy: what did you roast? >> just a chicken. with some vegetables. >> chicken's tricky. >> stuck some lemons up. >> jimmy: lemons in the hole, nice. >> that sounds like some war term. lemons in the hole! >> jimmy: at best it's a war term. wow, i'm surprised. >> don't be so surprised. >> jimmy: how regularly are you cooking now? >> it's every week now. because i lost a bet. >> jimmy: oh. >> we made a stupid bet. and i lost. >> jimmy: what was the bet?
>> the bet was, emily said something about leonardo dicaprio being 41. and i said, how dare you. and i said, that cherub of a man -- i think that was my quote -- that cherub of a talent can't be more than 28. he's not over 40. she said, if i'm right you have to cook for me every sunday. if you're right you get to play "call of duty" once a week. >> jimmy: oh. >> i thought, here we go, this is the good stuff. >> jimmy: i would have sided with you. he's older than 40? >> he's 41. come on. >> jimmy: oh, no. he should be cooking dinner at your house. >> yes, i agree. >> jimmy: i was at your house on sunday. and emily did all the cooking while you and i looked at your record player. >> i told you. i'm impressive at home. [ laughter ] >> you know, the new "star wars" trailer out, i was like, i'm not cooking tonight. why are you doing that to my face? >> jimmy: i need the weekend off, huh? >> it's true. >> jimmy: i feel like i don't know you anymore. >> you don't. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break.
what are you cdoing? >> stacy started seeing somebody. >> this is stacy's house? you divorced her years ago. >> i agreed to the divorce, i didn't agree to some strange man hanging around my daughters. >> oh, okay, we got to go. this is [ bleep ]. what? what is it? >> get down! he's at the window! >> oh my god, mine doesn't work. >> don't grab! >> my seat -- he's coming. he's coming. he's coming. he's coming. >> he's coming over? >> i'm going to kill you, i'm going to kill you. this is very -- this is very upsetting to me. >> jimmy: oh my goodness. the menacing josh. "the hollars," john krasinski, it opens in theaters friday. what a great job you did. that's the guy from "district 9"? >> yes, that's his official legal name. i saw "district 9" and thought, that's one of the best acting performances i've ever seen.
then i found out he wasn't an actor, he was a producer who stepped in and said, i'll do it. >> jimmy: wow. >> how frustrating. then josh groban comes, i'm a huge musician, what is this acting thing? and crushed it. >> jimmy: he did a great job. he's very funny in the movie. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's deceptively funny, josh groban. >> for me i laugh all the time when he's around, very funny. >> jimmy: the word "groban" in general is funny. who are some of the stars? >> most importantly i have the most amazing actress margo martin dale. >> jimmy: she's unbelievably great. >> if you don't know who she is, you absolutely do, does that make sense? one of the best actresses around. then i have richard jen dis, anna jenkins -- >> jimmy: how do you get these people to do a movie? i know some of you are really huge stars, anna kendrick, for instance, i'd like you to come to -- >> jackson, mississippi. >> jimmy: jackson, mississippi,
and there's no money in it for anybody, but -- >> you've got to raise the money. we paid them tens of millions of dollars. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yeah. it looks like a small movie but it cost $273 million. >> jimmy: wow, my god. >> yeah, that was a bad decision on my part. to let the budget get that high. i think we can do it, guys. everybody go see it. 27 million times. [ cheers and applause ] the beauty of this movie is, be honest, there's a lot of family movies out there, i had no intention of directing a family movie. then i read this script by jim strauss which is so unbelievably specific and real and honest. it's the best take on family i've seen. so i was so honored to do it. i think in a crazy world it's nice to go back to things as simple and strong as family. >> jimmy: the clip is funny but it's very sad. >> it is, yes. it's animated, the second half, guys. >> jimmy: i have to say the mom in the movie reminded me of your mom a little bit.
>> that's really nice. she reminded me of your mom. >> jimmy: oh, really, how about that. >> i think this is a competition and i'm going to win. >> jimmy: you're going to be playing jack ryan coming up? >> i am. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a big deal. >> yeah, a little bummed to hear other actors had done it. >> jimmy: they're good actors. >> who are these chumps? >> jimmy: harrison ford. >> who's that guy? >> jimmy: chris pine. >> pfft! >> jimmy: alec baldwin. >> alec baldwin, now that's a guy i think i've heard of. >> jimmy: you've heard of him, i think you're in a movie with him. >> yeah, someone you're in a sexual relationship with, ben affleck is in it. he was jan ryan. >> jimmy: he was jack ryan. >> that's awful, edit that out. >> jimmy: we'll cut that out, don't worry. >> it's going to be weird pillow talk for you guys tonight. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. see john's movie, he spent $257 million on this thing, "the hollars," it opens friday. thanks to john, thanks to hillary clinton, thanks to robert randolph, apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time.
"nightline" is next, good night! this is "nightline." >> tonight, wiped off the grid. what's it really like to be in the witness protection program? a rare glimpse through the eyes of children forced to live in secrecy. >> ushered into black vans. >> now all grown up, they're asking was the protection worth the price? plus, noah galloway's remarkable journey from the battlefield to the ballroom. ♪ revealing how the dark struggle of losing an arm and a leg in iraq led him to living a life with no excuses. and tyra banks trades the catwalk for the classroom. heading to stanford's business school to teach. does this model-turned-mogul have what it takes to