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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 4, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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tonight's "jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by this [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thanks, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for joining us, thank you for coming.
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once again we send our love to las vegas. where president trump visited today. and you know what? he was very well behaved. he stuck to his script, he thanked the first responders, he didn't brag about his hotel there, he did good today, he really did, for the most part. he did get off to a rough start this morning. he read a story this morning -- by the way i say he read a story this morning, he was watching "fox and friends." nbc news had a story this morning that claimed secretary of state rex tillerson insulted donald trump's intelligence. while normally the president is very thick skinned about this sort of thing i guess this morning it bothered him. [ laughter ] he went on a tweet rage that started at 7:29 a.m., wow, so many fake news stories this day, the fake news media is out of control. 10:47 a.m. nbc news is fake news and more dishonest than even cnn. they are a disgrace to good reporting. no wonder their news ratings are way down. 11:18 a.m.
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the nbc news story has just been totally refuted by secretary tillerson and vp pence. it is fake news. they should issue an apology to america. and finally, 11:49 a.m. i'll be landing in las vegas shortly to pay my respects with flotus melania. he was laser focused on the people of las vegas this morning. what happened was the thing that set him off, nbc news reported that during a cabinet meeting in july, the secretary of state, rex tillerson, called president trump a moron. according to the story, trump drew a comparison between making the decision on how many troops to send to afghanistan to what it was like to renovate a high-end new york restaurant. and after that, tillerson was at a meeting with a bunch of high-ranking officials and referred to the president as a moron. by the way, if trump is upset rex tillerson called him a moron, wait till he finds out what the rest of the country has been calling him. [ laughter ]
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[ applause ] he's going to be mad. anyway, according to nbc, tillerson was on the verge of resigning after that. but mike pence talked him out of it. the story was confirmed by cnn which meant rex tillerson now knowing donald trump sees this had to call a quick press conference this morning to address it before our 5-year-old president had a temper tantrum. >> there were some news reports this morning that i want to address. first, my commitment to the success of our president and our country is as strong as it was the day i accepted his offer to serve as secretary of state. the vice president has never had to persuade me to remain as secretary of state because i have never considered leaving this post. >> jimmy: until today. [ laughter ] he's never considered leaving the post? if you work in the trump white house and you haven't considered leaving, you're either asleep or you're ben carson. [ laughter ] possibly both. so then a reporter dipped her
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toe into the moron water because that's what we really want to hear about, she asked is that the only thing that you consider to be erroneous in that article? >> i think it's the most important out of the article is to reaffirm my commitment to this role that president trump's asked me to serve and to dispel with this notion that i have ever considered leaving. i have answered that question repeatedly. for some reason it continues to be misreported. there's never been a consideration in my mind to leave. i serve at the appointment of the president, and i am here for as long as the president feels i can be useful to achieving his objectives. >> jimmy: in other words, good-bye, i will be gone by thanksgiving. [ laughter ] this is the first administration where cabinet secretaries regularly hold press conferences to announce they're not quitting. usually happens just before they quit. but so then a reporter specifically asked tillerson, did you call donald trump the m-word? >> could you address the main headline of this story, that you called the president a moron,
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and if not, where do you think these reports -- >> i'm not going to deal with petty stuff like that. i mean, this is what i don't understand about washington. again, i'm not from this place. but the places i come from, we don't deal with that kind of petty nonsense. >> jimmy: so he definitely called him a moron. laugh laugh [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i wish he would have said, of course i called him a moron, everyone calls him a moron, we go around the west wing going, "how's the moron today?" multiple news sources confirmed this moron story and stephanie rule of msnbc was more specific. >> a dozen sources are telling us, no, there is real tension between these two. pushback, but he didn't deny it. i'll tell you my source -- my source didn't just say that he
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called him a moron, he said an "fachlt'i "f'ing moron." [ laughter ] ? in a way that's even worse. obviously this is a nightmare for the trump administration. the one thing they didn't need was more infighting. so it was now up to the white house press office to do their best to squash this story once and for all. >> good afternoon. before the fake news media reports any more inaccuracies, the white house would like to clarify, secretary of state tillerson did not call the president a "moron." he also did not call him any of the following. idiot. bonehead. nincompoop. imbecile. empty jack-o-lantern. san tan hand lotion. so stupid he got his hair stuck in a cotton candy machine and called it a hairstyle. dumb dumb, dumb [ bleep ], [ bleep ] for brains or racist
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sweet potato. thank you. we'll have an update on this tomorrow. >> jimmy: all right, well, that's pretty comprehensive. so president trump was on a roll yesterday in puerto rico. he was supposed to be there to survey the damage, not create it. but you know him. while he was on the ground he met with a group of local leaders, including the mayor of san juan, with whom he did battle on twitter this weekend. they met and this is what she had to say about that encounter. >> well, i said to him, "it's about saving lives, it's not about politics." and he didn't respond. but this was a pr 17-minute meeting. there was no exchange with anybody, with none of the mayors. and in fact, this terrible and abominable view of him throwing paper towels and throwing provisions at people, it's really -- it does not embody the spirit of the american nation. >> jimmy: well, there goes your invitation to the big new year's bash at mar-a-lago.
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[ laughter ] i do have to give trump this, he does have pretty good paper towel shooting form. i feel he can make more shots than shaq. [ laughter ] but president trump also stepped in it yesterday when he accidentally tanked puerto rico's bond by suggesting to heir recalled dough rivera that he would wipe out puerto rico's more than $70 billion debt. >> you know they've had a lot problems and a lot of debt, $72 billion in debt before the hurricanes hit. we're going to work something out. we have to look at their whole det structure. they owe a lot of money to your friends on wall street and we're going to have to wipe that out. that's going to have to be -- you can say good-bye to that, i don't know if it's goldman sachs but whoever it is, you can wave good-bye to that. >> jimmy: as soon as he said that, puerto rico's bonds immediately dropped to 37 cents on the dollar, which left it to white house budget director nick mulvaney to clean up the mess. "i think what you heard the president say is that puerto rico is going to have to figure out a way to solve its debt problem." which i don't know, really?
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because what i heard the president say was this. >> you can say good-bye to that, i don't know if it's goldman sachs, but whoever it is, you can wave good-bye to that. >> jimmy: i have a feeling we're going to wave good-bye to pick mulvaney soon again too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's what's going on in our neck of the woods. hey you know what, last year yahoo! revealed a big data breach that compromised the information of 1 billion yahoo! users? now they say not 1 billion but 3 billion yahoo! customers which is all of the yahoo! customers. not only is it all the yahoo! customers, 3 billion is almost half the planet. between this and that equifax hack, i mean, everybody, we're screwed. not only do we need to change our passwords, everyone i think needs to change their names. [ laughter ] from here on i will be known as lance addison. [ laughter ] guillermo, you are my side, you will be known as brad from now on. >> guillermo: all right, i'm brad. >> jimmy: what's up, brad? >> guillermo: how are you?
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>> jimmy: good. [ laughter ] we have a good show for you tonight. depeche mode is here. [ cheers and applause ] mark consuelos is here. robin wright is with us. [ cheers and applause ] robin wright as you may know stars in the very well reviewed and highly anticipated new movie "blade runner 2049." it's expected to be 91 one at the box office this weekend. we asked our in-house movie critic yehya to give us his take on it, and he, did here is yehya talking about the movie. >> action! it's me, yehya, talk about the new movie behind me, the movie behind me is call ed "blad rinsr 2049." the movie talk about problem. >> replicants are the future. >> and then the guy is in the movie, ryan ga wrchlt zy. i exot picture with him, do you know me? now he's very famous. and actually ryan is in the
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movie with the lady amy adam, "dance with the moon something," he did the movie also "he kiss the girl in the rain," the other guy is name -- not ryan gosling, his name -- this guy. he win the oscar. he's in the movie, he dress like woman. you know, he look very sexy in that movie. his name, jerry lego, he's good actor. he's -- harrison fort, harrison fort in the movie, all the move yao "star war," he's in the movie "they had a plan for the president," he's in "the digi v digitive," he's in the movie with india with the chinese boy. >> very funny! >> in the movie "2049" is like 20 something year and i'm like almost 68, 69 now.
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and this like i wish i stay up to 100 year. because i don't want anybody take shower for me. i want take by myself, you know? and the movie is good. go watch the movie. cut! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, yehya. we have to take a break. when we come back, we have two national holidays to celebrate. and my cousin sal serves hot dogs and mischief at nathan's in cone in coney island so stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ when i look at you, i look back on my life and i know what it was for. what if i struggled... what if i sacrificed... and what if i swore i'd succeed... so you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted. well then, my great granddaughter...
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and planning birthday parties, nobody does it better. she's also in a rock band. look at her shred. but when it comes to mortgages, she's less confident. fortunately for maria, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so she can understand the details and be sure she's getting the right mortgage. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. we see what makes you unique. so we have something for everyone, at a price that's just right for you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx
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new charmin ultra soft! ♪ it's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. and it's softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. we all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin? >> jimmy: welcome back did the show. robin wright, mark consuelos, music from depeche mode is all
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happening. first, today is not one but two holidays. national taco day, and national vodka day. i have to say i feel like since trump took office, every day is national vodka day. are you celebrating national vod -- taco -- oh my goodness gracious. i guess the answer is yes. let's see how long we can g get him to lay there. [ laughter ] you know when tequila finds out you were cheating on her you're going to be in a lot of trouble. okay, good, he's alive. this russia facebook election connection gets more alarming every day. earlier this week facebook said 10 million users saw political ads purchased by rugs. now we learn these ads were highly sophisticated in how they targeted key demographic groups in key areas of pivotal states like michigan and wisconsin where trump won by less than 1%
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of the vote. so special counsel robert mueller and his investigators are trying to determine if russia received any help from trump or his team about where to place those ads. and of course for that to be true, trump would have to be able to find wisconsin on a map, which he most certainly cannot. [ laughter ] but whether trump was involved or not, it's a diabolical plot. it really is. i have to say, you know -- these russians are pretty -- maybe we should just let them take over because they're really good at what they do. at this point how much worse could it be? hey, here's something i enjoyed. i want to shine a light tonight on the team at wpri news in providence, rhode island, specifically on a young sports reporter, mark dondero. mark turned a mess of a broadcast into television gold just in time to win this week's award for "excellence in reporting." >> the patriots hosted the carolina panthers today at gillette stadium. and -- am i on here?
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is my mike on? jared, are we live? is this live? can you hear me? oh, dang it. my bad. am i leading in highlights? okay. so that's basically the tv equivalent of how the patriots defense played on sunday. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, it's quite a recovery. that plane was in a nosedive and he pulled it out like sully, right at the last minute. [ laughter ] hey, this is exciting. the week after next week we're taking our show on the road to brooklyn, new york. which will be a lot of fun. [ cheers and applause ] for us especially. hopefully guillermo will be recovered by then. do you think you'll be okay by then? [ snoring ] >> jimmy: we will be live from b.a.m., brooklyn academy of music. guests howard stern, david letterman, billy joel, amy schumer, tracy morgan.
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and we'll have more guests to be named later. my cousin sal is already there getting everything ready in brooklyn. to get the ball rolling we sent sal to nathan's famous in coney island, a hot dog place. we put him in uniform, we put him behind the counter, we let the fun happen. ♪ >> sal: get your nathan's hot dog, step right up. best on the boardwalk. welcome to nathan's, can i help you? >> can i have a cheese dog, a regular hot dog -- >> sal: i love your accent, where are you from? >> brooklyn. >> jimmy: i thought great britain. $19.96. thank you. oh, look who it is. this is the original nathan right here. >> hello, mr. nathan. >> jimmy: that's him. he's responsible for all of this. >> good to meet you. >> jimmy: he made the first hot dog in 1916. this guy's the real deal. >> one of the best hot dogs you've ever beaten, the best in the world, nathan's hot dogs.
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>> he made the original dog here. >> get your hot dogs over here! >> jimmy: here comes nathan's long-time competitor ethan. >> ethan's hot dogs! >> sal: this is not going to be good. >> ethan's, not nathan's, don't eat that! eat ethan's! ethan's is the original original, that's garbage! >> sal: get lost, ethan. >> what the hell are you doing here? >> eat ethan's! >> i told you never to come around here. >> [ bleep ]! >> my hot dogs are the best -- >> [ bleep ]! >> get the heck out of here! >> [ bleep ]! >> stop it now! you are crazy! are you insane! here, you take this hot dog and put it in your face! >> i'll shove these hot dogs up your ass, you son of a bitch! get out of here! >> put this in your face! >> what are you doing here? >> oh, oh!
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>> the cops are coming. >> sal: sit down, nathan. >> you're finished. >> sal: go ahead, ethan. nathan is really in bad shape. you killed nathan, you son of a bitch! all right. well, you know what, if you want any of those, they're free. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we got a hot dog vision. tonight on the show, music from depeche mode, mark consuelos is here, be right back with robin wright! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by spirit airlines. less money, more go. ♪ (upbeat musi♪) ♪ it's here! it's here! it's here!
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>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome. tonight on the show, from "riverdale" on the cw, the very beautiful mark consuelos is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, their latest album is called "spirit." depeche mode from the mercedes-benz stage. that will be fun. tomorrow night, jeff bridges, isla fisher, and music from steve aoki with gucci mane and t-pain.
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so join us then. our first guest is a golden globe-winning actor who's having a very big year. she taught wonder woman to fight, became president of the united states and now, she leaps to the future in "blade runner 2049." >> the world is built on a wall. it separates kind. tell either side there's no wall, you bought a war. or a slaughter. so what you saw didn't happen. >> yes, madam. >> it is my job to keep order. that's what we do here. we keep order. >> you want it gone? >> erase everything. >> jimmy: "blade runner 2049" opens friday. please welcome robin wright! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: how are you? >> hi. >> jimmy: you look fantastic, thanks for coming, thank you for having me. >> jimmy: congratulations on all the great reviews for the movie. do you look at that sort of thing? >> i do not. that's blasphemy. >> jimmy: never? >> nope, don't look at it. >> jimmy: what can you say about this movie? because everything's top secret, right? yeah, yeah. >> yats -- >> jimmy: i don't know what i can say without ruining -- >> what is it about -- this looks like a movie about two guys who are really dirty. they have a lot of dirt. >> jimmy: that's a good way of setting it up, two dirty guys. >> i can say one line about it. it's about, what is humanity? anymore in 2049 what is it? >> jimmy: did somebody tell you that's something you can say or did you decide that's something i can say? >> i literally had to ask the studio, can you give me talking points? because we're spoilers. that's all we've become now.
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>> jimmy: right, yeah. >> we spoil everything by tweeting. can you feed me the line? >> jimmy: and they told you this is okay to say? >> i'm actually a robot. >> jimmy: can you say if your character is a robot or replicant in the film? >> i can't say. >> jimmy: can you say if ryan gosling's character is a replicant? >> he's a beautiful man. >> jimmy: okay. >> that's what we can say. clearly say. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can you reveal that the clown from "it" comes out of the sewer and kills everyone in this movie? yes? no, we can't reveal that. you just got back from paris, correct? >> i did. >> jimmy: you were at a fashion show with your son? >> i was. >> jimmy: nice. does he like going to a fashion show? >> i don't know. but he went with me. and it's great to appreciate the talent. because there's amazing talent out there. but i actually have my own fashion line. >> jimmy: oh, you do? >> i brought something for you. >> jimmy: you did? >> i know you don't like to receive gifts on the show, but it's fashion. >> jimmy: okay.
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>> and it's so your style. when i picked it out, this is so jimmy. >> jimmy: for real? >> yes, for real. >> jimmy: what is it? >> will you open it, though? >> jimmy: of course i'll open it. there's something hidden back there? oh, okay, thank you. did you wrap this? >> i did, i wrapped it. >> jimmy: you know, this tape, you can get a more clear version of the tape. [ laughter ] anyway, we'll talk about that later. i mean -- all right. let's see what i have here. i can't imagine what this is. what the hell? oh, wow. oh, that is so me, you're right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] very sexy. you really designed this? >> i did, i did design it. but i'm wondering if it's too long. >> jimmy: well, what i'm worried -- [ laughter ] it as little bit long for me. also my back hair will be sprouting out. so i might have to get a little wax. >> i think your wife molly needs to take care of it. >> jimmy: i probably will give
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that to her. we'll share it. we can go back and forth. we're like that. you at one time lived in paris, right? >> i did. >> jimmy: how long ago was that? >> right out of high school. and i decided to go and try to stay there for a year on no money. so what do you do? you model. >> jimmy: well, quyeah, sure, that's what you and i would do. [ laughter ] but not everybody has that chance. you went, did you have like a plan? did you think, i'll go over there, see if somebody will hire me to model? >> yes, and i had maybe two euro. it wasn't euro at the time, but anyway. and i said, okay what do we do? we're going to put you in a house, a classic six, with six other models, and the living room was so big that we played soccer from one fireplace to the next. >> jimmy: really? a big place. >> huge, with no furniture. >> jimmy: did you sleep in the living room or did they have bedrooms? >> we had little pallets. >> jimmy: was that a great time of your life? >> yeah, you know -- the worst greatest time you've ever had. >> jimmy: i see, because you had
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no money. >> you had no money. >> jimmy: also you're living with models, i don't know -- i think for me i'd love to live with a bunch of models. >> we weren't living in squalor, but yeah. >> jimmy: you were living with strangers from various countries. >> yes. nobody spoke the same language. >> jimmy: that's weird. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's something else, to go right out of high school. i can't -- i can't even imagine flying across the country by myself right out of high school. to go to paris on your own. >> i thought you modeled. >> jimmy: i did model, yes. i was a hand model. i la hand aid right now so i'm out of commission, but other than that. then is that why you got into this like designing clothes? >> no, it's a give-back company. part of the proceeds go to helping women in conflict regions all over the world and putting girls in school, helping educate -- >> jimmy: oh, that's not sexy but it's good. [ cheers and applause ] i know we can't really talk about "blade runner," what happens. i do want to talk about another movie, "the princess bride."
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i don't know if you're aware, on monday it's the 30th anniversary of that film. [ cheers and applause ] that's a big favorite for a lot of people. in fact, my brother named his son after wellesl wesly. >> i thought you named him andre the giant. >> jimmy: he should have named him andre the giant, that would have been a great name. "i'm andre the giant kimmel." what was andre like? we touched on this once when you were here. >> we did, when i was here ten years ago. >> jimmy: i heard, tell me if this is true, when you first met him, you ran in fear. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's true? >> yes. >> jimmy: really? >> the largest human being on the earth was in front of me. yes, i was petrified. >> jimmy: i've got to get out of here? >> what do you do with that? >> jimmy: how did he react? >> he's the sweetest, sui sweetest -- >> jimmy: you found that out when you came back later? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how did he express that sweetness with you? >> we were freezing cold. in the middle of this forest, riding horses in the rain.
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and i didn't have an overcoat for some reason. and he just came over, he was always hot, in a tank top when we'd be in nordic wear. >> jimmy: a big guy, yeah. >> he put his hand on my head and his fingers came down to here, and warmed my head with his hands. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. that's like "of mice and men." you're lucky you got out of that alive. that is something else. they're working on a documentary about andre the giant, for hbo. >> yes. >> jimmy: did they contact you? >> yeah, we just did a piece for it. >> jimmy: you did, great. that's going to be something. well, it's very, very good to see you and thank you so much for the nightie. [ cheers and applause ] i'll send you some pictures. robin wright, "blade runner 2049" opens friday. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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i'm going on a target run. you need anything? toilet paper. cereal. maybe some chew toys. got it. get new lower prices on thousands of items. target run and done. woman: for the holidays, we get a gift for mom and dad. and every year, we split it equally. except for one of us. i write them a poem instead. and one for each of you too. woman: cool. that actually yours... that one. yeah. regardless, we're stuck with the bill. to many, words are the most valuable currency. last i checked, stores don't take words. man: some do. oh. (alert beeps) not everyone can be the poetic voice of a generation.
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i know, right? such a burden. settle up with your friends on october 17th with the bank of america mobile banking app. settle up with your friends on october 17th this is goit's got theni. google assistant in it. so it's super helpful. watch this, hey google good morning. google home: good morning, claire. it's 72 and sunny. don't forget to wear some sunscreen. oh, that's nice. it'll also read you the news, look up traffic and tell you... gh: your first meeting is at 9am. and you know how sometimes you're in bed and you can't get out of it until you hear that one song that - gh: ok, playing your "get out of bed" playlist. [song plays] yeah, it can do that too. it's google home mini and the rest of the google home family. ♪ behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. ♪ music the #1 longest-lasting battery.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. mark consuelos and depeche mode are on the way but first, little-known fact about me. sometimes i fly on airplanes. that's right and our friends at spirit airlines have prices so low, you don't even need a reason to fly. you can just do it wherever or whenever for any reason at all. >> seriously, sea ghee llermo,
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no food? >> you guys want food? >> yeah, pizza! >> great idea, i know the perfect place. brb. do you know what that means? be right back! >> i knew that. >> how are you doing? >> can i have a cheese pizza? and since i'm saving so much money on airfare, throw in an order of garlic nuggets, please. >> tony, garlic nuggets! >> oh, barbecue, great idea. >> here's your order. >> thank you very much. >> fuggetaboudit. >> no, my friend. i will remember. >> i would like some ribs. >> okay. how many? >> uh, what do you think? >> all of them. >> great idea. >> here's all the food! >> where's the chick no one.
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>> you guys want jerk chicken? >> heated. >> no problem. i just got to go to jamaica, brb. >> dicky: with spirit you can afford to fly just about anywhere for just about any reason. book now at spirit.com. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with mark consuelos. with my moderate to severe crohn's disease,... ...i was always searching for ways to manage my symptoms. i thought i had it covered. then i realized managing was all i was doing. when i finally told my doctor, he said humira was for people like me who have tried other medications,... but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief... ...and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections... ...including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers,... including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions,... ...and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. depeche mode is on the way. our next guest is an almost-blindingly handsome man who is about to join archie, betty, jughead and veronica on "riverdale", it returns to the cw a week from tonight, please say hello to mark consuelos. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> all right. >> jimmy: your show, i want to establish, because we had archie comics when we were a kid, it was a very wholesome, almost too wholesome thing. right. >> jimmy: now your show is a very -- would you say perverted take on that comic?
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>> i would say it's not the archies that we grew up with at all. >> jimmy: right. >> very perverted. >> you play who? >> i play veronica's dad hyrum. >> jimmy: hyrum. now this was hyrum in the original comics. i can see why they thought of you. [ laughter ] >> like looking in the mirror. >> jimmy: now they've al teared the actual comic to look nothing like you. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: did they tell you they were going to do that? >> i didn't know that but the glasses are nice. they're still that rectangular shape. >> jimmy: the cheapst glasses at the store. you're playing veronica's dad. >> he's the bad guy. >> jimmy: a bad guy? >> a morally ambiguous, will stop at nothing, real estate developer who wants maybe a lot of power, political power included. >> jimmy: is there any chance he'll kill jughead? >> mm -- >> jimmy: maybe, maybe? so archie has to be careful,
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choose between betty and veronica all the time, seems betty would be the better choice? >> especially if he has a dad like me looking over his daughter. >> jimmy: your wife kelly ripa had a birthday this week. >> she did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i got her a present. [ laughter ] >> i'll take it. >> jimmy: i hope you won't take offense, i saw it and thought, this is so her. >> it smells like robin wright. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it does, that cost extra. >> perfect, i'll take it. >> jimmy: what did you get kelly? >> i pulled off a masterful thing, i actually listened to something that she wanted. >> jimmy: really? >> that she liked a few weeks earlier. i'd love to go to the ballet, "swan lake" is ending in a few weeks, and she let it hang there. i got her tickets to the ballet. >> jimmy: is she a ballet fan? >> she used to dance, she danced ballet, she loves it. i got the tickets. it was the best gift i could have given my wife because she thought it was special. but what i was concerned about is that as you know, i fall
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asleep no matter what. >> jimmy: same here, yeah. >> i fall asleep anywhere. >> jimmy: you fell asleep driving once, right? >> i was speeding, 70 miles an hour, and the cops -- the only way i woke up is the cop on the horn was like, "pull over." >> jimmy: same thing happened to me. i was at a light. >> i was moving. >> a female cop. she said, "are you awake enough to operate that vehicle?" and i went, "i am now." >> did you get a ticket? >> jimmy: no, i just got startled and i continued on. >> i got a ticket. >> jimmy: you got a ticket for sleeping? >> i was driving, actually moving. >> you can't get ticketed for sleeping. i think that's illegal. >> i was speeding. speeding whilst sleeping. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how many point dozen you get for that? >> sleeping whilst speeching whilst speeding whilst latino. [ laughter ] which, you know. >> jimmy: sure. >> anyway, now i'm in a dilemma, i know i have to take my wife to
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the ballet. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there's nothing that puts you in a state of slumber like a nice seat in lincoln center, the music, the dancers, and the whole time -- i knew that if i fell asleep it would be a bummer for her. >> jimmy: right. >> so i was like that kid. were you an altar boy? >> jimmy: yes, i was. >> did you ever do midnight mass? >> jimmy: yes, i did. >> did you fall asleep? >> jimmy: every week. it wasn't just midnight mass. 9:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m. -- >> i was pinching myself, cutting myself. >> jimmy: wake and up ring the bell. >> i made and it she liked it. >> jimmy: you made it through, that's good. >> yeah. >> jimmy: snoring is not good at the ballet. >> horrible, horrible. >> jimmy: wow, you really came through this year. what are you going to do next year? how do you top the ballet? >> i don't know, maybe like do a nap together. i think that would be successful. laugh live. >> jimmy: that would be for your birthday maybe. >> yes. >> jimmy: you're having fun, you shot in vancouver. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're away from the family now. >> right. >> jimmy: is that a good thing? i mean, listen --
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>> i think there's certain men at a certain age, probably shouldn't be left alone to do anything. they burn stuff down. are you capable by yourself? >> jimmy: i'm very capable. oh, yes. yes, i can run a household. >> right, yeah. >> jimmy: i've been alone for some time. >> yeah. i was working at albuquerque. before vancouver on another show. and i was in charge of getting my living situation there. and the house was very small. i could flush the toilet while sitting in bed. open the front door and do a little laundry. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> from the bed. >> jimmy: that's weird, you go from manhattan to albuquerque, you should triple the size of your place. >> albuquerque, "breaking bad" was a documentary. [ laughter ] i have an alarm system in my house that sometimes you don't use. this house had an alarm system, broad daylight, walk in, turn it on, turn it off. i love albuquerque. >> jimmy: sounds like it. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: you should be part of the chamber of commerce.
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>> so she helped me find a place in vancouver. it's not -- it's the opposite of how i was living in albuquerque. >> jimmy: i see. the whole family can come out everybody can flush the toilets? >> it's amazing. the people in canada are so polite. >> jimmy: they are, yes. they're the nicest. >> what you do in vancouver -- >> jimmy: they're mclapping, se? >> you'll eat at a restaurant, eat bite. count one, two, theri. on the third bite, the waiter comes up, how are the first few bites as a meal? how do you know it's my first few bites? now i'm codependant so i want them to feel good, coming up with new words, this is a culinary revelation -- >> jimmy: keep coming back? >> keep coming back. another ting they do, when you're a store, they say what else have you got planned for the day? i'm like, you don't want to know, plus i have nothing planned for the day. >> jimmy: sounds like they're spaying on you.
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>> which comes back to my wife. i think she's got them -- >> jimmy: or the latino thing again. >> i started making up stories. i'm going to rob a store! shhh! >> jimmy: do they laugh? >> no, they don't laugh. >> jimmy: right, that's what i meant, yeah. well, it's very good to see you. congratulations on the show. it's called "riverdale." it's on cw, comes out next wednesday, 8:00. mark consuelos! we'll be right back with depeche mode! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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meet steve sweeney. he's a double-dipping pension padder. double-dipping pension padder! he had two government jobs, two paychecks and padded his pension along the way. he's a double-dipping pension padder! now he's making over $300,000 a year as a lobbyist and a senator. double-dipping pension padder! so he's all set - thanks to you, the taxpayer. which is why steve sweeney had no problem voting to raise your taxes 145 times, including the largest gas tax hike in history. sounds about right, coming from a.... double-dipping pension padder! sold for eight thousand five!? hundred "unicorn in rouge."
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congratulations, sir. when you need help fast, call us with td asap on the td bank app and skip to the front of the line. hi alex, i have your account pulled up. how can i help? oh, uh... great. are you seeing this charge from an auction house? that doesn't look right. i'll take care of that. oh good. thank you. because when you need help, you need it asap. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank robin wright, mark consuelos and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him tonight. "nightline" is next, but first their album is called "spirit." here with the song "cover me," depeche mode! ♪ ♪ i've felt better
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i've been up all night i can feel it coming the morning light ♪ ♪ the air is so cold here it's so hard to breathe we better take cover will you cover me ♪ ♪ way up here with the northern lights beyond you and me i dreamt of us ♪
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♪ in another life one we've never reached and you know we're sinking we could fade away ♪ ♪ i'm not going down not today the air is so cold here too cold to see ♪ ♪ we have to take cover cover me
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way up here with the northern lights ♪ ♪ beyond these broken bars i pictured us in another life where we're all superstars ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ way up here with the northern lights ♪ ♪ beyond you and me ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, a nation in mourning. we're in las vegas with resilient survivors. >> i knew that if we stopped, the chances of us getting out weren't very good. >> with a family at a loss. their sister killed before her boyfriend could propose. >> she deserved a chance. she was literally dying in my arms. >> the latest in the investigation. what the shooter's girlfriend is saying and why authorities are leaving it to whether he may have had accomplices. plus ryan gosling and harrison ford. >> they know you're here. >> on their new sci-fi sequel "blade runner 2049." inside their on-camera relationship. >> it is not a romance or car chase movie. >> i'm sorry. >>

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