tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 27, 2017 11:40pm-12:42am EDT
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- kate hudson. jared padalecki. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and comedian ismael loutfi. and now -- look at this -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, welcome. thank you very much. very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad you're here. you know, i don't know if you know this. but we almost didn't make it tonight. we live in a dangerous universe. early this morning at 1:42 a.m.,
an asteroid passed by the earth. missed us by 26,000 miles. which in space terms is close. in fact, the asteroid was planning to hit us, then it saw what's going on down here and said, you know what? [ laughter ] i'm going to keep going that way, i want no part of that. president trump this morning got to work doing the damage the asteroid couldn't. today he signed an executive order that threatens to cripple the affordable care act, obamacare. he's been very focused on doing this. he tweeted, since congress can't this is big, usually when trump uses the power of the pen it's to declare bankruptcy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but he was so fired up, so fired up about this executive order, he almost forgot to sign it. >> we will have great health care in our country. thank you all very much. appreciate it.
thank you. thank you. thank you very much. thank you. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, all right. thanks a lot, mike pence. first thing the guy does all year, and it's that. [ laughter ] meanwhile the president's inexplicable battle with puerto rico rages on. trump fired off a trio of early morning tweets saying puerto rico's infrastructure was a disaster before hurricane maria, blaming them for their own financial problems, warning that the government won't be there to help them indefinitely. and also those paper towels? he wants those back. [ laughter ] he wrote, we cannot keep fema in puerto rico forever. which, okay. but it's been three weeks. he has hemorrhoids that last longer than that. [ laughter ] i don't know what -- what his
problem with puerto rico is. didn't he say he loves puerto rico? >> puerto rico. we love puerto rico. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we do. 80% of puerto rico still doesn't have power and he's tapping on his watch. i feel like the only way to get donald trump to care about what's happening there is to add a hot puerto rican anchor lady to "fox and friends." that might do it. it's especially crazy that this is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. he posted these tweets starting at 6:49 a.m. in fact, that's when he does most of his angry tweeting. i think, i gave this a lot of thought today, i think i have a plan to maybe put a dent in that. because it's dangerous. and the plan is this. a fin jet spinner. okay? [ cheers and applause ] what i would like you to do is go in your kids' rooms, grab all their fidget spinners, and send them to this address, the white house, 1600 pennsylvania avenue, washington, d.c.
better yet, send them to his real address, the mar-a-lago golf club, 1100 south ocean boulevard, palm beach. [ cheers and applause ] let's do everything we can to keep those little fingers busy, give them something less destructive to do. sorry, kids, but your country needs these, okay? [ laughter ] trump's chief of staff, general john kelly, had a rare press conference, i think it may have been his first press conference as chief of staff, to announce reports of his demise have been bigly exaggerated. >> i would just offer to you that although i read it all the time pretty consistently, i'm not quitting today. i don't believe, and i just talked to the president, i don't think i'm being fired today. and i am not so frustrated in this job that i'm thinking of leaving. unless things change, i'm not quitting, i'm not getting fired, and i don't think they'll fire anyone tomorrow. >> jimmy: so you know what that means, right?
>> he's fired! he's fired! >> jimmy: i did not see that coming. while we're on the subject of firing things up, starting january 1 it will be legal to sell marijuana for recreational purposes in the state of california. [ cheers and applause ] and in anticipation of this, the state bureau of cannabis control has established rules for how marijuana can be delivered. if you're really lazy, you could get it delivered right to your house. but the rules state that deliveries must be made in person by an enclosed motor vehicle, which means no drones, means no motorcycles, i guess. but it also means that dozens of new delivery services are gearing up. chief among those delivery services, a spinoff of a popular ride-sharing company. >> first there was uber. then uberx. then uberpool. uberselect. uberblack. uberlux. now doober. press of a button and one of our cars will be dispatched directly to your home.
one of our friendly doober drivers will show up at your door with the pot you're too lazy to go get. >> hey, man, open up! >> did i order pizza? >> no, man. i'm your doober. >> oh, yeah, man! thanks, dog. come on in here. >> hey, you got any weed? >> yeah, i just scored some. [ laughter ] >> doober. live the high life. >> jimmy: that's convenient, right? this is funny. this is from our abc affiliate in colorado springs. news channel 13. where an innocent story about a denver bronco with an unusual name gave rise to an even more unusual new position. >> the broncos tight end jake butt can't wait to play. butt tore his acl nine months
ago in his final college game, and he's been working very hard sense to get back on the field. >> the hardest part for me has been -- >> jimmy: well, that's all the squats? let me tell you -- that is the kind of filth that america does not need right now. and fortunately we're here to clean it up. it is thursday night which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> let's start with health care. i saw that tweet this morning and started stroking my [ bleep ] trying to figure out exactly what he's referring to. >> we want lower taxes. bigger paychecks. and [ bleep ] jobs for american truckers. >> how often do you [ bleep ]? >> [ bleep ] every 14 days. a good number at the white house. but i don't really want to [ bleep ] him because melania is there. >> nfl coaches out of a job after a video emerged of him [ bleep ]ing a white
[ bleep ]. >> butt day, do we need that? do we need that? i guess we do. >> let's get [ bleep ]ed! >> married couple from virginia took on the top prize at the 18th annual north american wife [ bleep ]ing championship. >> do your research and realize it's going to be this big, and maybe you love big [ bleep ]s like me. >> now we got a whole new breed of [ bleep ]s, folks, soft [ bleep ]s. >> he came back, pushed me off my chair, and [ bleep ]ed me. >> where? >> in my face. >> where? fist or hand? >> fist. >> he's getting worked on. let's hope that's nothing serious. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, i have some alarming internet pornography news and i'm going to do the unthinkable and put a pumpkin spice pizza into my mouth. stick around, we'll be right back!
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>> jimmy: hello and welcome back to the show. kate hudson, jared padalecki and comedian ismail loutfi all on the way. we're on our way to brooklyn next week. all next week. if i don't make it back to l.a., know i died doing what i love, eating pizza until my heart exploded. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if you heard, there's a damaging computer virus going around. it's infecting millions of people who visited the website pornhub which i'm told is a repository for adult film. [ laughter ] do you know this? have any of you been on that website? let's get a camera on whoever that was. pornhub is the 20th most popular website in the united states, gets about 80 million visitors a day which is crazy. there's a quick test they do to find out if you have the virus
on your computer. first they ask, are you a man? and if you said yes, then yeah, you have it on your computer. [ laughter ] here's how you get the virus. a tab would pop up saying there was a critical update, then if you clicked that update, the virus would be downloaded to your computer. in other words, you got the virus by being stupid. [ laughter ] and now when you take the computer to the geek squad to get it fixed they absolutely know what you did. [ laughter ] probably best to throw the computer out and start over. if you did contract a virus, it's your responsibility to contact other websites you visited, let them know they need to get tested, okay? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] speaking of troubling things, this is a cautionary tale. instigated by what i believe is the greatest threat to the united states in the present day. >> someone reported an unusual smell on the third floor of cristo rey jesuit high school
yesterday. it got so bad the hazmat team was called out to test for toxins. it turned out to be a pumpkin spice air freshener. >> jimmy: uh-huh. the damn pumpkin spicing of america continues. and the president does nothing about it. [ laughter ] this started with lattes. now we have pumpkin spice everything. they even have pumpkin spice dog treats. organic nuggets. even the dog on the package looks depressed by this. [ laughter ] there's one thing dogs love, it's pumpkin. of all the pumpkin spiced atrocities and there are many out there, this to me is the most atrocious. this is a pumpkin spice pizza. i spoke about this a couple of weeks ago. as a result of that, the restaurant chain that makes it, villa italian kitchen, reached out and said, try it before you make fun of it. their c.o.o. offered to fly out here to bring one to me. i'm nothing but if not fair, you know that about me, right? >> guillermo: yeah, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. even though it goes against everything i stand for, even though it shakes me to my
italian american core, i said, yes, you can fly out here and i will try it, i feel like i owe it to them and myself to at least give pumpkin spice pizza a chance. ♪ it's pumpkin spice it's pumpkin spice ♪ ♪ it just isn't right it's pumpkin spice ♪ ♪ pizza pie with pumpkin spice ♪ are they out of their minds it's pumpkin spice ♪ ♪ and here we go, here's the pumpkin spice pizza coming out of the car and into the studio. >> jimmy: and here he is, the c.o.o. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing, andrew? >> jimmy kimmel, how are you? >> jimmy: this is the -- here, let me put this right over here. >> sure. >> jimmy: there we go. okay. all right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy, jimmy -- that hurts, that hurts. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. no, i will try this. >> i need one commitment from you. >> jimmy: what is the
commitment? >> i need a two-bite commitment. so much flavor. i want to make sure you get it all. >> jimmy: okay, all right, all right. i am going to make another commitment to you. i'm going to be honest. if i like it, i'll tell you i like it. if i don't like it i'll tell you. but i do have a couple of questions. why, is number one. >> why not? it's all about fun. and best way to get on the "jimmy kimmel live" show is -- >> jimmy: is to make something terrible? >> exactly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. >> tasting is believing. >> jimmy: do your children know what daddy is doing at work? >> they do, we try to keep it very low key. >> jimmy: all right, you hold that. let's reveal it. have a look at it. it got a little bit shaken up. >> that's beautiful. >> jimmy: so i'm examining it. i'm going to have a smell of it. is there a special way to consume this? >> very new york style, you got it right there. >> jimmy: okay, very good. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] you wouldn't want to get something that on the end there. >> hold on one more. >> jimmy: let me swallow it
first. [ laughter ] okay. hm hm, hm hm -- >> you like it, don't you? >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, it's not terrible. >> we'll take that. >> jimmy: but -- but you know what? order the regular pizza from them. [ cheers and applause ] it's like you dumped a pumpkin pie onto a pizza. >> that's a good thing. >> jimmy: that is not a good thing. get some to guillermo, he'll give it a try, we'll see what he thinks. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you so much. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it was better than i thought it was going to be. i gave it a 5. all right? but don't do that anymore, okay? oh, he's gone, all right.
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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome to the show. tonight, from the long-running show "supernatural" on the cw, jared padalecki is here. then, a funny man -- you can see him at the laughing skull lounge in atlanta november 9th and 12th. comedian ismael loutfi. next week, we will be joining those of you who live in new york for five shows from the brooklyn academy of music. b.a.m. we have great guests lined up including david letterman, amy schumer, howard stern, tracy morgan, billy joel, woody harrelson, cardi b, dj khaled, lcd soundsystem, and
more. and this is exciting -- we have our own twitter emoji to commemorate our trip. if you send a tweet using the hashtag #kimmelinbrooklyn or just #kimmel, a special emoji pops up. i'll show you how it works. this is going to take about a half hour, okay? "dear brooklyn." oops. "i look forward to being in you next week." [ laughter ] #kimmelinbrooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] you see that? it just comes right up. all right. is the show done now? okay, all right. our first guest tonight comes
from a family of movie stars. she's a golden globe winner herself who, starting tomorrow, can be seen in the courtroom drama based on real american history. called "marshall." please welcome kate hudson! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: looks good. >> we've had a similar haircut. >> jimmy: in about three weeks we'll have exactly the same haircut. >> exactly, exactly. >> jimmy: it looks good. you did it for a role? >> i did, i did a film with sia. >> jimmy: sia directed a film. >> the singer/songwriter. she directed a film and i starred and it and she was like, well, i'm going to shave your head. >> jimmy: did she tell you beforehand you'd have to shave your head for the written? >> yeah, it's written. the character's kind of a shaved head kind of girl. >> jimmy: how does it work when a person your caliber has her head shaved? do you pay a hairstylist $400 to do it?
>> yeah. [ laughter ] he's out there, easy day of work these days. >> jimmy: yeah, and are you enjoying having it? >> i love it. it was funny too. when i first started -- i didn't think about it because it was the role, you know? it was like, oh, let's do this. and then -- and then as we were shaving it, and being my little one and sia were doing the honors of shaving head -- >> jimmy: oh, really? how old's he? >> he's 6. >> jimmy: you let a 6-year-old shave your head? well, what's the worst that could happen. >> it was a number two so it just -- >> jimmy: he made a number two? [ laughter ] >> no. >> jimmy: i see. >> the number 2. >> jimmy: i see, gotcha. >> you couldn't really go wrong. i was thinking -- i didn't think about it until it started, like what is the shape of my head going too look like?
>> jimmy: right. >> because that was really -- then i started -- i really started to panic. i was like, if this is not, you know -- and then sia was like, i know it's going to be round. i know it. [ laughter ] and all of a sudden it was like a birthing. it was like, it's a boy! it's round! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank goodness. >> well, i just, you know. >> jimmy: you don't want to have a big dent in your head or something, right? >> it was possible. it was possible it could have been anything. you know -- you know. i don't know. it would have been a weird profile in the movie. >> jimmy: yeah, it would have. >> if it was, you know, not -- so we were pleasantly, you know, surprised. >> jimmy: who would have imagined your head would also be perfect. [ cheers and applause ] you know what i do want to ask you about, what is your position on pumpkin spice? >> oh, yeah, i can actually -- i think i'm smelling it still. >> jimmy: it's probably in my teeth. yeah. yeah. >> you know -- jimmy, i love
pumpkin spice. >> jimmy: oh. >> like i really love it. i'm one of those people that loves the holidays. so i change my house and the scents and everything. and pumpkin spice is one of the things i put in my house. i won't invite you over. >> jimmy: well, i know that. what about on pizza? >> it is a little weird. it was a little weird. and the globs made me uncomfortable. >> jimmy: there should not be globs on a pizza. >> no. but i would go and get a pumpkin spice latte any time. >> jimmy: you would? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: even in july? >> yeah. no, if you go to the supermarket in my neighborhood and get the pumpkin spice coffee mates, they're gone. >> jimmy: really? >> it's because i took all of them. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yes, i love pumpkin spice. it's like -- it's warm. it's the warmth of the fall. pumpkin -- >> jimmy: it's not warm, it's a small amount of chemicals in a plastic cup is really what it is. [ laughter ] >> well, you can make a natural version. >> jimmy: can you really? >> yes, you can. yes, you can. >> jimmy: by the way, do you do
that -- >> it's one of the things i talk about in my book. well, i don't talk about pumpkin spice. >> jimmy: maybe that will be a whole other book. "pretty fun." it's about throwing a party. right? >> well, no. it's about -- i mean, it's about why it's important to have -- to gather. to me it's like -- when we talk about wellness a lot, you talk about health, all these things but people forget to talk about why we connect. and that's kind of the focus on this. along with the fun stuff. >> jimmy: right, yes. >> but it's really about -- it's important to connect. it's not about the big parties, it's about traditions. >> jimmy: can you have fun if you're not pretty? is that allowed? >> no, my whole theory behind pretty happy or pretty fun -- >> jimmy: that was your last book, "pretty happy." >> yeah, nothing's ever perfect. it's like, oh, that was pretty fun. i mean, it looks great. >> jimmy: you set the bar at a reasonable -- >> yeah, that's where you have to set it. then the expectations aren't too high. >> jimmy: unless you're martha stewart, you're not going to achieve those high highs.
>> i've tried. it doesn't work for me. >> jimmy: maybe because you're serving pumpkin spice stuff at your house. is that possible? >> no. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. i'm going to try to talk you out of this pumpkin spice thing during the commercial. kate hudson is here. [ cheers and applause ] she has a movie called "marshall." we'll be right back.
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the gag was between your lips, is that correct? >> yes, that's correct. >> is this about right? >> no. it was a bit tighter than that. >> how about this, ma'am? >> yes, that's about it. >> jimmy: that is kate hudson in "marshall" with josh gad and chadwick bozeman. >> you can't really -- we've had such a hard time with the clips because you can't give too much of the movie away. >> jimmy: and there's some heavy stuff in the movie. >> there is heavy stuff. >> jimmy: it's a really good movie. you got 100% on rotten tomatoes with the top credit ins. >> yes! that was a first. >> jimmy: is it?
do you even look at -- >> no, no, i can't, i can't. >> jimmy: what about your parents? did they look at their criticisms? >> no, no. >> jimmy: they never do? healthy mentality. >> if you believe the good ones, you have to believe the bad ones. if you believe every one, why am i reading about myself? >> jimmy: but you did know this one had 100%. >> yeah, because your producer told me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, okay, he told me as well. >> he's like, did you know you had 100%? i was like, what, no, because nobody tells me anything. it was awesome. >> jimmy: i see, i see. >> yeah, it was -- you know. >> jimmy: we talked about this book with the parties and stuff like that. when you were a teenager, did you ever like throw a party that your parents weren't aware of? >> oh, yeah, yeah. i talk about one of them in the book a little bit. and it's -- we thought our parents were out of town. we were older, late teens. >> jimmy: that's the time where trouble happens, yeah. >> we were, you know -- my parents liked to party.
they're very like open. open-door type of family. so that's how we felt as teenagers. we were like, guys, parents are out of town, come on over. we thought it was going to be like 20 people. but like 50 of our friends were at the house. and we're having a blast. and all of a sudden the door flings open. and it's my mother. and we're -- it was like, rrr! everything just stopped. she was in a negligee. [ laughter ] you know, like -- and she looked around like, really? as you would think she would in one of her films. just like looking around. and then she goes, she goes to the lights, she turns the lights way down. she goes, "kids, lighting is everything." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] then she left. and everybody was like, your mom is so cool!
and ollie and i were literally like, no, it's going to be so bad in the morning. >> she was right about lighting. >> she was right. i talk about that in my book. >> jimmy: there's nothing worse than going to a party or a restaurant, it's like being inside a walmart. >> yeah, i'm one of those people that's like walking into a party, where's the food? how do you not have food at a party? just give me something. give me a pretzel. you know. so i have a little bit of that, how do you get people to get cozy and just relax and have a great need to relax? >> jimmy: you go into somebody's refrigerator when you're at their house, open the door and go in. >> yes, yes. i'll be asking as i'm going. can i go get a thing? yeah. >> jimmy: well, there you go. you're much more relaxed than i am. it's very good to see you. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy: congratulations on the movie and the book too. [ cheers and applause ] "marshall" opens in theaters
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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. for 13 seasons our next guest has battled hellhounds, dragons, dark fairies and demons of all types as the paranormal peacekeeper sam winchester on "supernatural." it airs thursday nights on the cw. please welcome jared padalecki. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i heard today, i didn't realize that your show's been on for 13 seasons, that's crazy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you knew that, right? >> constantly reminded. tonight is our 13th season premiere. >> jimmy: congratulations. that's unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] >> i think i still -- i think i still pale in comparison to you,
you're 15, 16? >> jimmy: almost 15. but still. [ cheers and applause ] especially for a scripted show. it's a remarkably long time. >> yeah, it surprises me. obviously with today being the premiere and whatnot, there are a lot of texts and e-mails going back and forth, congratulations. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> good luck, and it's still -- >> jimmy: are you guys getting along still? usually after the fourth season is when successful shows, the stars of the show turn on each other. >> we do get along. we get along really well. jenson and i are the two brothers in the show. we're texas boys. he was born and raised in dallas. i saw my houston buddies over there. >> jimmy: that's right, right. >> i was born in san antonio, we both live in austin. we're both married to -- actresses. >> jimmy: the same woman? >> yes, yes. we're in a commune. >> jimmy: your wife was on the show? >> yes, season 4. >> jimmy: explain what happened. >> it gets a little tricky, right? so i have a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old boy and they call
jenson uncle jenson. a baby girl who doesn't yet make words, necessarily, but i'm sure -- >> jimmy: she will call him uncle jenson. >> likewise his daughter j.j. calls me uncle jared. my wife was on the show, we met, went out, fell in love, all that. at the end of season 4, daddy and uncle jenson killed my wife. so they don't watch the show yet but that's going to be a very -- it's going to be -- >> jimmy: how did daddy and uncle jenson do it? >> i held her by the arms while he stabbed her. >> jimmy: yeah, no. [ laughter ] >> honest to god i'm sort of like, uhh -- >> jimmy: they must never see that. not even in their 30s should they see that. >> honestly, it would still be a little frightening. >> jimmy: which one is most likely to look it up and watch it? >> shep, my 3-year-old. he's got -- we call him drunk jared. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ]
>> he's not mean, doesn't have a mean bone in his body. he's just kind of like, ha ha ha, ha ha ha! doesn't really realize it. >> jimmy: little drunk jared is going to be excited to see this. >> i haven't seen that. >> jimmy: you're on the cover of "entertainment weekly." [ cheers and applause ] not only that, you are alone on the cover of "entertainment weekly." [ cheers and applause ] that's kind of cool, right? >> that's really cool. >> jimmy: yeah. you hadn't seen it yet? >> i had seen pictures. i hadn't seen it in person. >> jimmy: you want to touch it? it's shiny. >> couldn't hurt. yeah. >> jimmy: well, there you go. that's pretty good. >> yeah. i was even joking. my parents still have their "entertainment weekly" subscription. it's not something i would have imagined in a million years. for those of you guys out there -- >> jimmy: your parents are going to be psyched when it shows up at the house. do they know it's coming? >> oh, yeah, they know before i know. "hey, we just found out you're doing a photo shoot." really? i don't have an e-mail yet. >> jimmy: are they very involved
in your life? >> they are, and they're very, very excited. they tivo everything or dvr or whatever? >> jimmy: you shoot the show up in vancouver, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you get a lot of time off? >> we get -- we basically film a school year. we go in july, we get thanksgiving, a couple of weeks at christmas and new year's, finnish april. we pepper in three-day weekends. but by and large. >> jimmy: that's great, that sounds like a good deal. >> it as good gig. vancouver, any canadians in the house? [ scattered applause ] >> jimmy: sometimes they sneak in, we haven't built that wall yet. [ laughter ] >> it's a beautiful spot. >> jimmy: yes, it is one of the great cities in north america, yes. >> it really is. >> jimmy: i'm not joking, it is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: why would that be a joke? >> he said north america. maybe they didn't hear north, they heard "america." >> jimmy: i see, i got it, yeah. >> hey, hey, hey. >> jimmy: you're doing 13 seasons of this show.
i heard -- one of my producers told me that you won a debate contest, national debate contest in high school. >> i did, yes. when i was in high school, in san antonio, back in the late '90s, i did speech and debate. and we -- my specific -- what i did wasn't lincoln/douglass, it was duo interpretation. it was a really weird, strange -- if this was a scene in a movie, you and i are talking, looking at each other. if we were doing the duo interpretation version of this scene between us, we'd be looking straight forward and i'd be saying, jimmy, how are you? i'd grab something off your cheek and you'd hit my hand away. so you react. >> jimmy: are you arguing with the other person? >> sure. we have -- in our scene he hits me, i react to it. >> jimmy: it's scripted? >> it's a script. >> jimmy: it's not debate with punching? >> no. like the russian chess boxing. >> yeah, make it a lot more interesting. >> it actually would, i'd watch
that. >> jimmy: this is a script. really you guys were acting? >> acting but it was like acting to a green screen. and these days, because "supernatural" has a lot of visual effects, i'll do a lot of my stuff as you know, speaking to a camera, to a tape mark on the inside of a camera box. >> jimmy: right, monsters and all that stuff. >> yeah which is strange but they haven't created the visual effect monster yet. so had i not kind of done that for years in school. there were two things, as a matter of fact -- >> jimmy: you learned something in school. >> i did, i did. >> jimmy: this is amazing. [ laughter ] >> and even kind of more strangely, i took latin in school. so i could do better on my s.a.t.s because it teaches root words. oh, i heard you take latin, raise your s.a.t. score, maybe i can get some scholarships. all the while i took latin in high school, no offense to any latinophiles, latin fanatics, but i knew i would never, ever use it in my life.
now i'm always saying some latin incantation or exorcism. >> jimmy: the only nonpriest in america who put your latin to use. >> regularly uses latin. >> jimmy: that's great. [ cheers and applause ] that's a great lesson for .00004% of kids out there. well, it's great to meet you again. congratulations on the show. "supernatural" airs thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on the cw. jared padalecki! and we'll return with comedian ismael loutfi. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what can you do with two bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches for $5 from dunkin'? settle a debt.
make a friend. save the day. or keep 'em both for this handsome devil. with two bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches for $5 the future is in your hands. america runs on dunkin'. new charmin ultra soft! ♪ it's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. and it's softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. we all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin? why are south jerseyans so angry headlines at sweeney? up. sweeney repeatedly sided with chris christie to underfund south jersey schools, increase standardized testing like parcc, cut take-home pay for teachers, and broke his promise to fund the pensions of hundreds of thousands of new jerseyans-
all while padding his own. steve sweeney says a lot of things. but the truth is, he's not on our side. countless ailments. countless hours. and guess what? you can handle it all. be a leader in your field with a bsn from strayer university. a nursing program created by and for nurses. let's get it, nurses. >> jimmy: our next guest can be seem performing all over the los angeles area, making his television debut tonight. please welcome ismael loutfi! >> huh, wow, wow, good to see you! hello. good to see you. okay. good, all right. so i'm a cutie patootie.
i'm a sweet young man with a kind face. ethnic, not ethnic enough to disappoint anybody's parents. you know how hard it is for me to scare white people? i can't. i can't do it. i look like the guy on the cover of every "welcome to college" brochure. just give me a backpack and a cardigan. hi, my name is nonthreatening minority. i'm here to tell you that your state university is both inclusive and safe. just ask my best friends, black nerd and asian wheelchair girl. [ laughter ] watch us ride around campus and fight crime, we're superheroes. our super power, white guilt. [ laughter ] i'm a muslim. that hasn't been fun. i don't know if you've noticed the last 16 years have been pretty stressful for us. i can't watch the news, just the
way they talk about us is so demeaning, the buzz words, talking about moderate muslims. that's their go-to. i want to see one moderate muslim, show me one moderate muslim denounce terror. like, screw you, dude. who came up with moderate muslim? what an objectifying label to give 1.5 billion people. moderate muslims, mild muslims, your sweet and sour muslims, your lemon pepper, teriyaki. and also, we do denounce terror all the time but nobody puts a camera on that, nobody wants to see people be moderate, that's boring. you want to see people up and down and be craze. the point of the news system is to sensationalize everything. makes me so mad. i just want to blow stuff up. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i get so angry! anybody else have that instinct in their blood? i don't know. [ laughter ] i don't know what that is. probably nothing to worry about, all right.
okay, it's been tense. i think we can all agree it's been a tense year ever since the dude became the thing. [ laughter ] the guy with the -- yeah it was weird. i think that was weird night for everybody. for me, at the time of the election, i was on a road trip from tennessee to atlanta, georgia. and as the election results became official, as it was like official, donald trump won, it was 2:00 a.m., middle of the night, my car died. my car just dead on the side of the highway. so i get out of the car. i look at it for no reason. i call the tow truck company. they're in a great mood. i'm like, hey, i'm brown and i'm stranded in tennessee, i need to go to atlanta. they're like, don't you worry, we're going to send heath! heath is gonna getcha! that's the scariest way you could have said that but not much i can do about it now.
heath shows up in his tow truck. heath is this big old southerner, big camo jacket, camo hat, a big beard full of bramble and leaves. i get in the truck. it's a six-hour journey by the way. six hours through the deep south. all right, so the first hour is just complete silence. me and heath are just -- whoo. interesting day, okay. and then heath starts opening up to me, starts talking. he's like, so -- where you from? i'm like, florida. he's like, oh, yeah, sure, okay, yep, all right. i'm like, and syria. like, i know what you want to hear. i know how not to disappoint white people. you don't want to hear florida. i get it, i understand, i know. i'm cool with it. so i told him syria. and he was cool with it. he was really cool. and i know that because then he started telling me about his life. he was like, i used to live in shanghai, china.
i was like, oh my god, heath. that's kind of cool. he was like, yeah, i lived in beijing for two years. oh my god, beijing, what's that even about? then we just started talking about china. we talked about the cuisine, the culture, communism, the pollution, the politics. it felt good, it get like america was going to being on, right? like our conversation was a band-aid being put on the wound left by that divisive election, right? and then out of nowhere he was like, i don't like chinese people. i'm like, dammit, heath, are you serious? [ laughter ] you were doing so good, come on, man. [ applause ] then he literally goes, no, no, i mean like asians. that was his correction. he went bigger. what? no, i don't hate 1 billion people, i hate 4 billion people! what are you doing? he's like, they're sneaky. you can't say that 4 billion people are sneaky, man, come on. plus i had just told him that i'm from syria.
syria's in asia. i'm an asian. but he didn't know that and i didn't want to tell him. so -- i just held it in for five hours. just not going to mention that. now looking back on it, me not telling him that i'm asian, pretty sneaky asian [ bleep ]. he was actually kind of right about that. thank you so much, bye-bye! appreciate it! >> jimmy: very sneaky, you were very sneaky. ismael loutfi! i'd like to thank all my guests and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching, buenos noches!
this is "nightline." >> tonight, nearly a year after the abduction of the so-called california super mom -- >> they blanded her. >> new evidence raising questions about her disappearance. texts with a male acquaintance days before. the mysterious dna found on her clothes. police sketches of possible suspects and the newly released 911 recordings of her husband reporting her missing. >> found her phone on the ground. telling me that something happened to her. plus top-secret jfk files sealed from the public for decades now released, sharing light on the president and the assassination that spawned endless conspiracy theories and movies. >> coup d'etat with lyndon johnson waiting in the wings. >> was a newspaper tipped off be