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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  NBC  January 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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asc, nrr. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the late "late show," everybody! thank you! thank you!
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thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you very much! please, please! i am stephen colbert. wewewelcome to "the late show"! i'm so happy to be here. you happy to be here tonight? (cheers and applause) i am happy to be here in front of you doing the show in one of my men suits. (cheers and applause) well, they announced the winnner of the powerball lottery yesterday and i won... a 2 x 2 piece of paper. i'm going to use it to roll up something to help me forget about the whole thing. if i seem a little off tonight, it's because i've got a slight head cold. it started off with lotto fever and turned into actual fever.
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it's not that big a deal. it only hurts when i talk. so the show is going to be a fair amount of mime. (cheers and applause) but i'm going to get through the show for you! (cheers and applause) i've taken dayquil, and nyquil. i'm hoping that balances out to just "quil." i'm also on advil, tylenol, and sudafed. basically, right now, coursing through my body, i have all the ingredients needed to make meth. anyway, big day in hollywood. this morning, they announced the nominees for this year's academy awards. there are eight best picture nominees. and i know you're busy people who don't have time to see all eight movies. you haven't even seen "star
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so as a service, to keep you informed for your office pool, your oscar pool, here's a quick recap of each of the best picture nominees. i will be playing all the parts, because every nominee is white. (laughter) here we go: "the revenant!" arrghh! a bear! "the big short!" i'm rich! i'm rich! but i kinda feel bad about it. "brooklyn!" hello! i'm just a wee irish lass in brooklyn in 1952. 63 years from now, i hope someone in this neighborhood will dress like me ironically.
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"spotlight!" let's see, uhmm...newspapers... priests... children... pass! pass! "bridge of spies!" it's just a bridge of spies . i'm gonna have to cross a bridge of spies! (laughter) "room!" (laughter) "mad max!" hello, clarice. my name is max. half laugh "the martian!" mmm. you can hardly taste the poop!
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(applause) you know, in rehearsal, that was a baked potato. of course, the real winners tonight are you folks because we have a great show for you. (cheers and applause) first, i'll be sitting down with actor olivia munn. (cheers and applause) we both used to be correspondents at "the daily show." we'll reminisce about how jon stewart forced us to fight with hammers in his secret battle pit. then i'll talk to actor and comedian t.j. miller. (cheers and applause) he's one of the stars of hbo's "silicon valley." it's like hbo's "girls," but there aren't any. and we'll have a performance by
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misty. (cheers and applause) he'll be performing his song "holy (bleep)." or as it's known on network television "oh, darn." (band playing) oh, you hear that sound? that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everyone! they're about to take us all on a musical journey from here to eternity to my desk over there. but before they do, one more thing: economists believe that thanks to falling prices, oil could soon be cheaper than bottled water. and somehow, more environmentally friendly. (cheers and applause) >> tonight! stephen welcomes olivia munn! t. j. miller!
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father john misty! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! before we really get into couple of things i need to get off my chest -- aside from a fair amount of phlegm. (laughter) i am not only sick, i'm also heart sick, because it has been a hard week of losing iconic british artists. david bowie's death shocked us on monday, didn't it?
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alan rickman died made me cry. i'm not entirely sure why, but snape, the unlikely heartbroken hero of the "harry potter" stories. but he was also great in "galaxy," "quest," "die hard," "love actually," "truly madly. deeply," "sense and sensibilty." he played so many characters who we the audience could see lived on the threshold of letting those around him know how he felt, the ways that he was hurt and couldn't reveal. that's a rare and beautiful gift to share with an audience, and the world is poorer for his loss. and in a completely different vein, i'm still upset about a sandwich i got last week. (laughter) those of you who saw last tackled the issue of whether i got enough tomatoes on my b.l.t. jimmy, put up a picture of me
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enhance! there it is. i see the b. i see the l. where the hell is the t? where's my tomato? there isn't any. and a b.l.t. without the t is just a b.l. it's bllll. now, i knew this segment was going to be controversial, but i was shocked by the blowback online. the tweetosphere exploded with hashtag-rage, like "colbert, there was clearly tomato at the bottom of that b.l.t!" "the tomato's on the bottom, dude," and -- "am i going crazy? the tomato is right there!" no. you're not going crazy. the "world" is going crazy if "this" is considered enough tomato. because remember my order -- and tomato," then ordering with regular tomato means no tomato at all. and if that's the case, stop the sandwich, i want to get off. and these weren't the only
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only a tomato but a conspiracy. one conspiracist, or b.l.-truther, as they prefer to be called, wrote: "why am i the only one that sees the tomato in #colbert #blt? if it isn't , what in hell is that 6mm veg under the lettuce?" that's 6 millimeters? is that what you tell your girlfriend? you need to get your tomato ruler checked, buddy. that's a millimeter and a half, tops. it's so thin that you could read the new york times through it. the headline: "not enough tomato." but i will say, in my zeal for justice, i may have been a little harsh on the man who made this sandwich. hello, deli owner rupert jee. there are no hard feelings. in fact, i ordered another
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what i got. look at that. okay? (cheers and applause) (applause) so we know the system works. if you want a b.l.t. and you are anywhere in the tri-state area -- hell, on the east coast -- this is the guy to go to. now, if you're like me, you taped your t.v. show earlier tonight, and right now you're at home on the couch with a cocktail made of equal parts bourbon and mucinex -- i call it "the cold fashioned" -- and you just finished watching tonight's republican debate. i bet tonight was the best one yet. because we are just 19 days away from the first official vote at the iowa caucuses -- and winning iowa is crucial for winning the republican nomination. just ask the guy who won iowa in 2012, president rick santorum. thank you, sir. (applause)
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for instance, jeb! last week, i reported that jeb! had revitalized his campaign with a bold new strategy. >> jeb bush says that he sees himself as a joyful tortoise. at least that's what he told a teenager on the campaign trail yesterday. the republican presidential candidate gave the boy a toy turtle and says he carries them around in his pocket. >> stephen: yes, he gives out toy turtles. he tried using real turtles, but they kept crawling out of his pockets and then passing him in the polls. but guess what? i called it. last week, i said this guy was due for a comeback, and according to reuters, he is now in third place nationally. aint' no stoppin us now! jeb's on the move! he's on a rocket fueled elevator straight to the third floor! and if my math is right, there are only two places "above"
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that's at least a bronze. speaking of bronzer -- donald trump. the latest iowa polls have trump just three points behind ted cruz, who has been leading in iowa ever since george pataki dropped out, and cruz picked. up all of pataki's voter. trump did what a cornered trump does. he went on the attack by exposing a dark secret from cruz's past. >> he was born in canada. >> stephen: that's right, only natural born citizens can be president, and cruz was born... in canada! that, of course, is the sound of canada's national bird, the loon. if you knew that, you are not qualified to be president. or maybe you are. i think the whole thing is horse (bleep). but trump doesn't.
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playing at "his" rallies. born in the u.s.a. "born in the u.s.a.!" it could be worse, ted. he could be taunting you with the canadian anthem -- i think it's that barenaked ladies song: chikkity-china, the chinese chicken you have a drum stick and your brain stops tickin' our home and native land but cruz has his own snappy musical comeback. >> now ted cruz is saying donald trump, you know, is from somewhere even worse than canada: new york. >> i think he may shift in his new rallies to playin' "new york, new york." because, you know, donald comes from new york, and he embodies new york values. >> stephen: i don't like what he's insinuating about new york, that donald trump comes from here. that is just a nasty thing to say! but maybe ted cruz is misinterpreting trump constantly
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as trump's campaign manager explained, "we're trying to help." yes, he's trying to help. today it's "he was born in canada." tomorrow, maybe inserting him into old episodes of "degrassi junior high". besides, this isn't the first time the natural born citizen issue has come up in an election. in 2008, one candidate's unusual, possibly unamerican origins had a lot of people suspicious: john mccain. senator mccain was born in panama, on a u.s. military base. but that was all cleared up when all his senate colleagues, including barack obama, stepped in and passed a resolution declaring him a natural born citizen. now, cruz isn't particularly popular in congress. he has been described by members of his own party as a "jackass," "a wacko bird," "the republican no other republican can stand." and, while the other leading republican candidates would benefit from cruz being ineligible, i'm sure his fellow republicans senators will rally
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mccain. right, mitch mcconnell? >> i don't think the senate ought to get in the middle of it. >> stephen: yeah, but in 2008 when mccain was -- >> i just don't think the senate ought to get in the middle of this. >> stephen: well, looks like jeb bush has one more lucky turtle in his pocket. we'll be right back with olivia munn. (cheers and applause)ite frte f undsika reood ke fate at tin tning o is it's jfrom sarm. riake state farm? , kh. she sounds hideous. wee's so..
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rrenifie lesse ds quliou $fiewocal (band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, let's hear it for jon batiste jon, you sound terrific on that piano tonight. >> jon: thank you, stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you know, i've often thought that if i could play any musical instrument, i would. >> jon: what if i told you i could teach you to play piano in nine easy steps?
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and that's how you play piano. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, jon! we'll be right back with t. j. miller! (cheers and applause)sfx:t blng off sf, 2, rocket
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(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is a writer, actor, and comedian, and star of the show "silicon valley". this sunday he'll be hosting "the critic's choice awards". please welcome t.j. miller. (cheers and applause) >> i'm t. j. miller from the major motion picture "yogi bear" 3-d. >> stephen: a great movie. a great fill. >> stephen: who were you in that. >> ranger john. >> stephen: oh, yeah! the strongest character of the film. >> stephen: the breakout star
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>> i sort of overshadowed boo-boo. >> stephen: thanks for wearing the winged collar, too? so few of my guests come duded up. >> i was really nervous. you're my wife's favorite comedian, present company included. >> stephen: sounds like a lovely woman. what's your wife's name? >> the source of a lot of contention. kate. >> stephen: hey, kate. here we are on your favorite comedian's show. >> stephen: everybody likes you. you're blowing up. you're the host of the critics choice award. >> i am. i'm blowing up. you may have a clip dr. . >> stephen: we do have a clip. hould we clip it up? >> stephen: this is you winning last year for "silicon valley." >> i thought i was going to lose so i ate a lot.
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i would say that the awards for the children because children are a tangible representation of achievement whereas aadults should settle for the president and admiration of their peers. but what do i know? i mean, i just play an arrogant blow hard that says whatever the (bleep) he wants to. >> stephen: did they stop you as you were leaving and say -- >> give the award back, come back next year. i believe the awards with for children. what did i say, the award is hollow, nothing to it, then i got a job from it to host the actual awards.
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a foot in my mouth, right? egg on my face, right? (laughter) the old egg on the face bit! >> stephen: glad to have you. we're very excited. i'm excited that i have more than one suit! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so you're telling me your wife doesn't like this in?>> it not that she doesn't like it. she just hates it. >> stephen: (laughter) >> stephen: you worked on the "silicon valley" show. >> i did. >> stephen: do you want to talk or just drip for a while because we can be quiet for a bit.
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>> stephen: let's drip for a second. rrr>> i have been on the road and i have been closing with a bit called skeleton hands, and if you don't mind, i'm just going to -- (laughter) thank you. so i have been closing with this bit on the road, standup, and it's called skeleton hands, and i was wondering if you wanted to do it with me. >> stephen: sure. i was told you had skeleton hands and i'm quiet during it? i close my eyes? >> you close your eyes and look towards america, all right. >> stephen: again, i have no idea what's going to happen. tell me wife i love her. >> this would be so weird if this is the way you died. >> stephen: yep. got a lot of egg on me.
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close your eyes. now open them, and just trust me, stephen. >> stephen: open my eyes? yeah. stephen, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. i want you to know that. i -- (laughter) i guess in some case this really validates me as a comedian. god, look at this... (laughter) the 21st annual critics choice awards sunday on a amp e and lifetime! t. j. miller, everyone!
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featuring new dishes loaded with flavor, r 650 calories >> stephen: and now, singing a song from his album, "i love you, honeybear." ladies and gentlemen, father john misty!
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dead religions, holocausts new regimes, old ideals that's now myth, that's now real original sin, genetic fate revolutions, spinning plates it's important to stay informed the commentary to comment on oh, and no one ever really knows you and life is brief so i've heard, but what's that gotta do with this black hole and me? oh... oh... oh...
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infotainment, capital golden bowls and mercury bohemian nightmare, dust bowl chic this documentary's lost on me satirical news, free energy mobile lifestyle, loveless sex independence, happiness oh, and no one ever knows the real you and life is brief so i've heard, but what's that gotta do with this atom bomb and me? oh...
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>> colosseum families the golden era of tv eunuch sluts, consumer slaves a rose by any other name carbon footprint, incest dreams ( bleep ) the mother in the green planet cancer, sweet revenge isolation, online friends oh, and love is just an institution based on human frailty what's your paradise
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maybe love is just an economy based on resource scarcity what i fail to see is what that's gotta do with you and me oh... oh... oh... oh... oh... oh... (cheers and applause)
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