tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC July 17, 2009 12:35am-1:35am EDT
>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller ceer, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: that sounds good. hot show tonight. hot show. hot crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. happy thursday, happy thursday. let's get right to the news. oprah winfrey, she was number one on the "forbes" list of most influential women in media. oprah celebrated by buying "forbes." that was nice of her. [ laughter ] that's a fun way to celebrate. a judge dismissed donald trump's court case against an author who questioned trump's claim that he was worth $3 billion. it's been going on for a while. took the judge a few months to comb over the evidence. [ laughter ] give me that, steve. i'm sorry about that. that's ridiculous. comb over the evidence. i'm sorry about that. [ cheers and applause ]
how are you doing, pal? no need. no need. i'm on a lazy susan. just going to slowly rotate. [ laughter ] just weird. hey, a san francisco assemblyman proposed a bill to legalize and tax marijuana that he believes will generate $1.4 billion for california. [ cheers and applause ] pretty good. he actually described it differently. he said, "dude, dude. dude! de. dude." [ laughter ] after two years of marriage, amy winehouse got divorced this morning from her husband. yeah. the romance has been over for a while. towards the end there, they were sleeping in separate gutters. it was getting nasty.
[ laughter ] it was getting nasty. it was awful. you see this yesterday? police were forced to kill three wild cougars that were attacking humans. so next season the show will be called "desperate housewives." [ laughter ] i guess that's -- i'm not giving up two jokes. okay. [ cheers and applause ] all right. never happened. [ cheers and applause ] [ screams ] i like that guy. that guy is so excited. he's so psyched. [ laughter ] finally, 52-year-old kim cattrall from "sex and the city," speaking of cougars.
[ light laughter ] well, she broke up with her 32-ar-old boyfriend alan wise. wyse, and wyse says there's a chance they could get back together, but they have some wrinkles to work out. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. welcome back, everybody. here we are, here we are. wow, what a great show. what a crazy show. the jonas brothers are here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] crazy. crazy. it's been going nuts here all day, all day long. crazy like people were requesting people's kids coming in dressed as starbucks people delivery. like, "i'm here to deliver your coffee." [ laughter ] i'm like, "you are obviously young" and, so, yeah, during the day, people's kids were here during rehearsal.
the nicest guys ever. they came out, and they were just signing autographs, being really cool. good guys. and they are excited about the show. they're going to jam out tonight. it's going to be really fun. it's gonna be awesome. >> steve: aw. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i felt like it was so sweet. >> steve: such heart. you should turn that into, like, a mug, that story. >> jimmy: yeah. it wasantastic. >> steve: a hallmark card. >> jimmy: and we got a big show tonight. our good friend lauren graham is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i love lauren graham. she's in a new movie. a new movie called "the answer man." it's hilarious. the hilarious bill engvall is stopping by as well. [ cheers and applause ] and like i said before, jonas brothers will be here. [ cheers and applause ] a really good show tonight. we've got a great show, everybody. as you guys may have heard, the new "harry potter" movie came out this week. [ cheers and applause ] it's a huge phenomenon. gigantic. it made a ton of money in its openg night. most of the press about the movie has been really good. but not everyone is happy about how well it's doing. you guys know that guy
robert pattinson, the star of "twilight"? [ cheers and applause ] check out this video he posted on youtube last night. just check it out. >> the "harry potter" film came out recently, and made a lot of money, didn't it? made a lot of money. people are saying, "are you bothered by it?" well, no, i'm not bothered. i mean, i have my own movie, don't i? so i'm not bothered by him. am i bothered by him? no. not bothered. people asking me all the time if it bothers me. that may bother me. my movie is about vampires. yours is about wizards. so my movie is less stupid, basically. oh, i just remembered what the film is called. "harry potter and the half-blood prince." it should be called "harry potter and the half-assed film" or "harry potter and i am" -- in the "potter" movies, they fly around on broomsticks to fly. that bothers me. i don't need a broomstick. i just fly. it's more efficiet , n'isit? hey, harry potter. i'm going to cast a spell on you. s-u-c-k. suck. can everyone say it? n'
hey, here's another spell. combine one part douche, two parts sucking. mix it together, you got the mo" e. povier bothering. i'm 6'1" and radcliffe's 5'6." do the math. sex symbol, boom, bothered. [ laughter ] mo news flash. i died when i was 17. i'll be 17 forever. you're 20, that's stupid. i sparkle in the sunlight. it's dazzling. radcliffe, does he sparkle? no, he wears a scarf from gryffindor. who is it? oh, it's you, daniel radcliffe. it's bothered. you bother people. i'm robert pattinson. don't bother me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was interesting. interesting. and in response, daniel radcliffe, who plays harry potter, actually posted his own video. let's take a look. >> "half-blood prince" did pretty well. the other night, in one night, $22 million. i'm quite thrilled. that's better than the "twilight" movie did, the one with pattinson.
i mean, my movie is about wizards. his movies are about bat people who jump around in trees. it's stupid, really. you get to cast spells in my movie. here's a spell for robert pattinson. twilightcansuckit! [ laughter ] he's awfully pale, isn't he? hey, pattinson, here's another spell. perilous stupidest tanning bedicus! [ laughter ] a bit of a douche bag, really, when you think about it. isn't he? "oh, i'm robert pattinson. i'm so brooding and tough." your skin sparkles in the sunlight! [ laughter ] i mean, it looks like something elton john would wear for an encore. homo eroticus! [ laughter ] what's with his head? sticking up all over the place. he looks like he's hanging upside down. barbes needicus! nowicus! call supercutsicus! he's taller than i am. hey, pattinson, i make more
money. scoreboardicus! [ laughter ] barnes & nobleicus. amazon top sales rankicus. "publishers weekly" favorable reviewicus. check it out, too. i have an owl that delivers my mail. [ laughter ] i hear you're ice cold. i hear you're ice cold in your movies, like your career. freezing. that's notht best oneicus, but you get it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how crazy. that is insane. well, it doesn't stop there. it doesn't stop there. check out this mash-up that somebody posted of the outtakes. [ light laughter ] somebody posted this. i don't know who did it. the outtakes from those two videos. these guys are really at each other's throats. >> look, what do vampires do best? suck. >> does he bother me? yeah, he does.
>> his records. i'm just breaking all of them. >> hello. look at that chapter. sound familiar? o bothered. >> 22 mil. >> i sit here in my tree all day just keeping it safe. [ laughter ] >> he's greasy, and he's smelly looking. >> don't look at her, all right? don't look at them either. >> very smelly looking. >> want to fly? honey, you feel like flying? >> mmm, every flavor bean. [ laughter ] every flavor, you douche bag [ bleep ]. >> hey, radcliffe, take a snozberry, whatever the [ bleep ] you call those beans and shove it up your [ bleep ]. >> get on the hogwarts express, you jackass. >> you stupid [ bleep ] magician. >> hey, do me a favor. i'll send you this wand. take it and go [ bleep ] yourself.
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: shocking to see those two go at each other. we'll see what happens when the next "twilight" movie comes out. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with "lick it for $10." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ - introducing bud light lime in cans. - ♪ lights out...
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody, all right, here we go. it's time once again for one of my favorite games, "lick it for $10." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. now, as you all know, this game is exactly what it sounds like. we pick a few people from the audience. they come down here, they lick something and we give them $10. higgins, tell us what the audience members are going to "lick it for $10." ♪ >> steve: well, jimmy, tonight's contestants are -- fiza hazel sudean, garrett shine, dan barzeny and allison chafee. they are three people who have agreed to come down here and
lick something for $10. >> jimmy: hey. how are you. all right, guys. welcome. welcome to "lick it for $10." now, tonight's lick it is a very special "harry potter" edition. [ scattered cheers ] that's right. which means tonight you'll all be licking "harry potter" themed items for ten bucks. are you ready? all right. very good -- contestant number one, what's your name, where are you from? >> my name is fiza, i'm from north plainfield, new jersey. >> jimmy: you're from new jersey. okay, very good. and have you seen the new "harry potter" movie? >> yes, i have. >> jimmy: oh, really, was it good? >> oh, it was really good. i like it a lot. >> jimmy: really? how many stars out of four? >> four? out of four? three. i'd say three. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. it's going down. it's losing weight as you are saying -- "four -- 2 1/2. definitely one star." but, okay, good. all right. you liked it. it was good. higgins, can you tell us fiza what she'll be licking? >> steve: well, jimmy, fiza will be licking these "harry potter" glasses! these spell-binding spectacles are the exact reica of the pair worn by the boy wizard. featuring a wire rimmed frame and a round lens.
they're the harry potter glasses and they retail for 45 galleons, jimmy? >> jimmy: all right, here you go. now, i got it wrong, it's fiza? is that right? all right, fiza, fiza, you'll be licking the "harry potter" glasses. have you licked glasses before? >> no, i have not. >> jimmy: this is going to be exciting, then. we're going to put them on this camera here so people get a good view of you. [ light laughter ] that's perfect. right there. yeah, that's good. all right. so that's -- [ scattered cheers ] that's what you're going to have to lick. make new jersey proud. come on. will you? i mean -- [ cheers ] there you go -- whenever you're ready. questlove, can i get a drum roll? go for it. ♪ [ cheers ] >> jimmy: very nice! very, very nice. very nice. can we see that in super sexy slow-mo, please? [ laughter ] ♪
>> jimmy: you look really happy. i know you are saying -- you're saying, "am i going to get my ten bucks?" yes. a deal is a deal. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] move down to the end. hey, come on, buddy! how are you, pal? >> good. >> jimmy: oh, i forgot. you get an official, "lick it for $10" t-shirt. as well. >> awesome! >> jimmy: we're giving out a bonus. there you go. look at that. that's not for you. it won't fit you, buddy. there you go. [ laughter ] it's for girls. now, here we go. contestant number two, what's your name? >> garrett shine. >> jimmy: gary and where you from? >> i'm from south windsor, connecticut. >> jimmy: south windsor, connecticut? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right, very good. are you a "harry potter" fan? >> i guess. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're ambivalent? you don't care. >> i'm kind of in the middle. >> jimmy: you are? >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you ever read any of the books? >> yeah, i read like five of them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's true. yes, doesn't sound like a fan at all to me. [ light laughter ] yeah, yeah -- the fifth one you are like, "that's enough. yeah, i can't read. that's ridiculous. i've had enough!" [ light laughter ]
five is too much. yes. well, higgins, what do we have for contestant number two to lick it tonight? >> steve: well, jimmy, garrett will be licking this beautiful portrait of deceased hogwart's headmaster, fleming burble. this extremely lifelike painting is incased in antique frame and can be seen on the walls of hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry. it's a portrait of fleming burble. and it retails for $800,000. jimmy? >> jimmy: this painting's worth $800,000? is that what you said, higgins? >> steve: yeah, $800,000. >> jimmy: okay, well, it's very lifelike, indeed. almost as if it's an empty frame and there's a guy standing behind it -- [ laughter ] trying not to move. okay. higgins, what's tonight's designated lick zone? >> steve: tonight's designated lick zone is lick zone b, the frame right next to the headmaster's face. >> jimmy: okay. is that what we like? all right. here you go. step up here if you want to. this is it right here. now word of warning, sometimes they've seen the headmaster paintings move and come to life
and move. i can't imagine how that possibly happen -- [ light laughter ] this is clearly a two-dimensional painting. garrett, whenever you are ready. questlove. [ laughter ] what book did you read that in? the fourth one? all right. ready? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i think you're ready. drum roll please. ♪ >> jimmy: all right. oh, hey, hey, whoa! ♪ >> jimmy: my gosh. hey, it totally moved. hey, let's see that in super sexy slow-mo. [ laughter ] let's see that in super sexy slow-mo again. ♪ >> jimmy: very good.
so happy you came. i never have to see you again. good man. [ laughter ] no, i'm joking. that was very sexy. how are you doing, buddy? >> how'st going? >> jimmy: welcome to "lick it for $10." >> i'm dan from, parsippany, new jersey. >> jimmy: parsippany, new jersey. very good. [ scattered cheers ] dan, are you a fan of "harry potter?" >> i saw the first movie. >> jimmy: that counts. this guy read five books and he doesn't know what's going on. i hear you are here with a friend tonight. >> that's correct. >> jimmy: you're here with a friend. your friend will be helping out for this round. steve tell him how. >> steve: well, jimmy, dan will be licking a lightning shaped scar off his friend's forehead. [ light laughter ] lightning scars are the result of a murder attempt by he who must not be named. but instead of killing harry, the energy bounced off of him and he was left with a lightning shaped scar. this scar will be re-created on dan's friend using mary berry brand syrup a biscuit syrup, which retails for $3.49. jimmy? >> jimmy: now what's your name? >> i'm james. >> jimmy: james and that's your buddy over there? >> yes. >> jimmy: he has no idea this is happening, does he? >> no. >> jimmy: all right, perfect. this is awesome.
so now i'm going to mark you with a strawberry syrup lightning scar. don't worry, i've done this before. there will be much respected in the wizardry community and then your buddy is going to lick this off. [ cheers ] dude, you look just like harry potter! [ light laughter ] let's see if i can get this guy here. there you go. try these guys on. [ audience oohs ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: there you go. look like harry potter. there you go. perfect. that's great. now whenever you're ready to lick, go for it, okay? your friend, here you go. a drum roll please. ♪ [ cheers ] >> jimmy: let's take a look. you may not want to look at this. let's take a look at super sexy slow-mo on that one. ♪
>> jimmy: neither of you were happy about that one at all. no, no, no. sorry about that. well, here's your $10. and here's your t-shirt. this is the guy's t-shirt. you have a "i licked it for $10." there you go. that's for you, buddy. and -- to your friend. i'sorry, this isn't called "getting licked for ten." so, you're out of luck. you're going home empty handed. but you do have wonderful memories. that's a good thing. let's give him a shirt as well. why not? let's give him a shirt. why not. here's a "lick it for $10." thanks buddy, i appreciate it. you're scarred for life. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, pal. i can take that -- thanks, pal. let's get this chair out of here. move on to the next contestant. the final contestant here -- [ light laughter ] come on. they're both upset. they are like, "we're not friends anymore. that's ridiculous." hey, how are you? what's you're name? >> allison. >> jimmy: allison, where are you from? >> long island. >> jimmy: you're from long island right here. [ cheers ] all right, good. are you a fan of harry potter? >> sort of. >> jimmy: okay.
have you read any of the books? >> sort of. >> jimmy: i know what that means. okay, good. very serious. okay, higgins, what do we have our final contestant to lick? >> steve: well, jimmy, allison will be licking this invisible cloak made from the hair of a demiguise, this invisibility cloak. the magical garment it renders whatever it is covering copletely unseeable. it retails for $12. jimmy? >> jimmy: now you watching at home it looks like there's nothing here. but i assure you there's an invisibility cloak here and someone is about to lick it. your ready to lick the cloak? >> sure. >> jimmy: all right, good. probably go right there would be the best. okay. ready? and -- drum roll, please. go for it. ♪ >> jimmy: yeah! right there. very nice. [ cheers and applause ] let's take another look at that. ♪ [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's fantastic. there's your t-shirt. thank you very much. here's your ten bucks.
here's your "lick it for $10" t-shirt. there you go right there. that's a good one. it says i licked it for ten. what is under the cloak. should we just decloak it. >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: it is -- [ cheers and applause ] you just licked a jonas brother! let's hear it again for our four contestants and the jonas brothers. stick around. we'll be right back with lauren graham. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ first piece of nicorette
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>> jimmy: you look gorgeous. welcome back to the show. >> thank you very much. i wore very short shorts in honor of my boyfriends, the jonas brothers. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very, very nice. exciting. >> i know. yeah. >> jimmy: did i hear you are having a big technological problem backstage? you were saying your phone -- >> i feel upset about the new iphone because -- >> jimmy: you came to the right place. >> really? >> because i had the iphone d i feel like it was like the worst boyfriend i ever had, because it kept losing all my information and then crashing. and then i couldn't, you know, not calling me and then dating other people. i don't know. that's not -- that wasn't really part of it. >> jimmy: that's weird, yeah. >> and so i broke up with the iphone, but then it's as if it was that old boyfriend that, like, then starts dressing really well. you know? because of all the stuff you gave him, and like gets all improved and has all these new apps and then everybody falls in love with him.
but we're talking about the iphone, of course. >> jimmy: yes, i was dating that. >> and then he stops wearing running shoes with jeans. and then -- >> jimmy: starts looking nice. >> and then now i want him back. >> jimmy: yeah. 'cause now you can do video and stuff. i see what you're saying. >> yeah, 'cause now our love would be perfect. i'm just certain. >> jimmy: tell me about this movie, "the answer man." >> it's a beautiful movie. it's an independent film. it's a romantic comedy. it's olivia thirlby, kat dennings, lou taylor pucci, jeff daniels and me. and it's about a man who writes the most popular famous book ever and kind of as a result becomes so famous that he goes into hiding until he comes out and falls in love with me. >> jimmy: what is the book about that he writes? >> he writes a book about a conversation with god. and so everybody thinks he has the answer to everything and wants him to give them life's answers, and so he kind of goes into hiding as a result. >> jimmy: and how do you meet him in the movie? >> his back goes out, and i'm his chiropractor, and he literally comes crawling into my
office and i fix him and then -- and then we kind of fall for each other. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: we have a clip. let's take a look of the clip from "the answer man." >> okay, be good for annie. >> okay. >> mommy will give you a kiss when she gets home. i won't be too late. okay, you know what to do. no sweets tonight, okay. just popcorn. call me if you need anything. use the fruit spray. there's light bulbs. >> you're freaking out. did you tell hm? >> not yet. >> not yet what? >> nothing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love jeff daniels. how was jeff daniels to work with? >> he's awesome. he's such an amazing actor and he's from the midwest. he's very, like, quiet and midwesternish. so when i'm around somebody like that, it just makes more like, "hey, hey! hey, charlie! hey, charlie! what's going on?" it just makes me more like spazzy and, loud, which makes him more quiet, but ultimately, we worked it out. we found a happy compromise.
>> jimmy: happy medium for you both of you guys. i like him because he does serious movies, but then he just rocked it in "dumb & dumber." he was unbelievable in "dumb & dumber." >> totally rocked it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it was amazing. he could have gotten an oscar for that. >> no, he's really funny and a great dramatic actor. he has it all. and have you seen this broadway show he's doing? "god of carnage"? >> jimmy: no. >> it's amazing. it's excellent. >> jimmy: really? you were just on broadway, too. >> yes, my show closed. >> jimmy: hey, they don't go on forever. or else you'd be in "cats." then you'd be like, "this is a nightmare. this is a nightmare." [ laughter ] "this is the -- i might kill myself. this is our 800th performance, everybody." >> i'm still a cat. >> jimmy: you're happy it closed. yeah, "i'm a cat." >> no, i'm happy. it was a perfect amount of time. it was a great experience. >> jimmy: you are a singer. you told me, this is a crazy story. your prom was a crazy experience. you went to your prom, your high school prom, and you didn't just go, but you had to actually sing. >> well it was sort of a -- i can't believe this now, but it was a privilege to sing the prom theme in my high school, and
they would vote every year on, like, what the prom theme was and -- >> jimmy: and everyone sings it every year? i'm sorry. >> no, you get chosen. it like you are singing the prom theme this year. >> jimmy: you did it. it's a tradition. >> yes. why is that weird? >> jimmy: because my prom theme was "born to be wild." d i can't see -- >> why didn't you sing it? that would have been awesome. >> jimmy: what was it? i'm just thinking of a pretty girl thing. it'd be weird. like -- ♪ born to be wild >> well, it was me and mark aldridge, though, singing "we've got tonight, who needs tomorrow." >> jimmy: oh, great. kenny rogers. love that song. >> which, yes, in high school, you need tomorrow, because you are only in high school. like what a terrible prom theme. >> jimmy: yeah, but you always -- you think it's the end of your whole love when you graduate high school. you're like, "good-bye, everybody. take care." >> yeah. >> jimmy: "never see you again." and it's like you see them next week. go, "hey, what's up? sorry about crying on your yearbook." >> "sorry about that whole 'who needs tomorrow' thing." >> jimmy: "can i rip that out of your yearbook?" sorry about that. you had to sing it? >> yes, and i was late because my boyiend took me to this fancy dinner. it was like some prom movie
where, like, i ran in and mark aldridge was about to sing it by himself. and it's a duet. can you imagine? people would have gone into their futures all screwed up. >> jimmy: yeah. it's not like "back to the future." 21 gigowatts to go back in time. but you finally made it. and you almost missed it. >> i know. >> jimmy: well, not tonight. you get to relive your prom memories because -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we've got tonight who needs tomorrow ♪ ♪ let's make it last, babe >> whoa. ♪ let's find a way >> jimmy: i'm getting nervous. ♪ turn out the lights come take my hand now we've got tonight, babe why don't you stay ♪
>> jimy: all right, everybody. we'll be right back. lauren graham, everybody. coming up next, bill engvall. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ (announcer) degree ultra clear goes on clearer than the leading solid antiperspirant. dare to make a statement in black. find out why thousands of women voted degree ultra clear product of the year.
welcome back. tomorrow night's show is going to blow your mind apart. from the hot hbo show "true blood," anna paquin is stopping by. she's awesome. [ cers and applause ] radio talk show host, mancow will be here, and jack white's new band. jack white's new band, the dead weather, are coming. they are awesome. it's going to be a great show. [ cheers and applause ] our next guest is a super funny comedian and the star of "the bill engvall show," which begins its third seasoon tbs this saturday night at 9:00 p.m. put it together for bill engvall, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for coming by, man. >> i love this band. >> jimmy: they're unbelievable. the roots. they are the best. [ cheers and applause ] you can't beat them. you can't beat them. >> they are the best. >> jimmy: they are the greatest. if you want, we could slow dance under a mirror ball. >> that would -- you know, i got to tell you, i teared up back there. that was nice. >> jimmy: it really was a touching moment.
it really was. >> "oh, my little jimmy is all grown up." >> jimmy: i love the show. tim meadows is on your show. >> one of my favorites. timmy is just the greatest guy. >> jimmy: i love tim meadows. what a great guy. >> i always have this dream that one day we're going to do a script, and they're just gonna say, "okay, bill and tim, here's where we have to get to. you guys just improv it." 'cause he is just hysterical. just trying to keep a straight face when you're doing a scene with him is amazing. the show is based on your -- >> it's based on what happens in my life. and we're going to do a show in the next season where we go on vacation. because we just -- we just got back from a family vacation because my wife -- who i love to death. please understand that before we get into this. she came to me one day because our son is leaving the house. he's the last one. and she goes, "we have to take a family vacation." i'm like, "okay." and she goes, "no, you don't understand, we have to take a family vacation." i'm like, "what did you not understand about the first response?" [ laughter ] and so she books us on this trip to costa rica. so we get to the airport and the
security line is crazy long. we have plenty of time, but we're standing there in the security line, and all of a sudden, here she goes. "we're going to miss the flight. great. this is wonderful. i worked so hard on this thing, and we're going to miss the flight because this security line is not moving. and if you love me, you would go to that security guy and tell him who you are and see if there's another way we can get around this." i'm like, "or not, crazy woman." [ laughter ] so it was like i was having an out of body experience. i saw myself skirting the security line, and i walked up to this tsa guy who -- have you ever seen the expression they have? it's priceless. [ laughter ] and so i said, "hi." i said, "is there another way we can get through this line?" and he goes, "are you handicapped?" and i said, "i'm married." [ laughte] and he goes -- he said, "i am too, but it doesn't count." and i said, "well, look, i don't ever do this, but my name is bill engvall, and i have a show on tbs called 'the bill engvall show.'" and he goes, "oh, my god." he goes, "you had your hat on, your glasses. i'm sorry. i didn't recognize you."
i go, "it's fine." he goes, "are you getting hounded by autograph seekers?" and i'm like, "well, no, but if it starts, 'katie, bar the door'. you know." so he goes, "is it just you?" and i said, "no, my whole family is back there." he said, "well, come on. let's go get them." i'm like, "oh, my god, this is working." he walks us back -- he walks back to my family. he goes -- i said yes. i said, "sir, please understand i don't do this. this is not me. it's this mixed bag of nuts i'm married to, who i love to death, you know." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: calling out your wife. >> yeah. he said great. so he turns around to the entire security line and goes, "everyone, this is bill engvall, and he's got a show on tv. and he's afraid he's going to miss his flight if you people eep asking for autographs. so let's do this." >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> you want an autograph, come up now, otherwise leave this man alone." >> jimmy: that is -- [ laughter ] >> they're looking at me like i'm a three-headed circus dog.
so we get through the thing and we get on the plane and we get there. and i'm already -- now my definion of vacation is me in a beach chair with a mai tai in my hand, and keep them coming until i roll off face first into the sand. [ laughter ] my wife likes to take little trips away fro-- we fly to another land and then take other trips. that's not a vacation. that's still traveling. so we get to the hotel. i strip down into my swimsuit, and my hand is in the shape of a glass. and she goes, "where are you going?" i said,bar, mai tai. i am still mad at you about the security thing." [ laughter ] and she goes, "no, no, no, no. we're booked on a trip." and i go, "what?" and she goes, "we're going zip-lining through the rain forest." i go, "what?" [ laughter ] i go, "do you know why y they don't do that in america? because we have safety laws." [ laughter ] zip lining in costa rica? what could go wrong there? so we get on the van and our guide is trying to tell us what's going to happen. but he speaks very little english, and i know no spanish. this is my foreign language. if we went to a chinese restaurant here in new york. the waiter was born here, raised here, went to princeton. never left the city. speaks perfect english.
i'm still a guy who will walk in and go -- [ in comic chinese accent ] "ah, yes, i'll have egg roll." [ laughter ] and he's going, "i am so going to spit in your food." [ laughter ] so they hook -- they start pouring cruddy costa rican beer down me, and it was after 7:00, so i didn't care. and we get to the top of this mountain, and they put these harnesses on us. and then they put this helmet -- well, might as well have been half a coconut shell. [ lahter ] and it was just there to keep you alive long enough so you hear your last vertebra snap at the end of the ride. >> jimmy: shoelace tie at the bottom. >> exactly. and the guy's like -- [ in latino accent ] "it's safe. it's safe. it's so safeo." yeah, okay, great. whatever. >> jimmy: "esta safeo." >> so we hike up to the top of this mountain. and they hook my daughter up. the way you slow down is you have a big leather glove on, and you slowly squeeze the cable to slow ourself down. well, she heads off. she's great. my wife heads up, she's great. the guy hooks me up and goes just like this. he goes, "you" -- i go, "i don't understand." he goes, "you go upside down." and i go -- "i don't speak your
language." because in my language, nothing is fun upside down. [ laughter ] except -- well, no, not even that. and so -- but because they -- because they pumped me full of costa rican beer, i'm like, "okay." so he flips me upside down. so now my feet are pointed up. my head's pointed down at the ground. i look like an upside down roll-on deodorant. you remember those this? and my hands are pointed at the ground. well, he cuts me loose. well, i weigh 200 pounds. i picked up some speed fast. so i'm just like -- i mean, sticks are flying like this. i'm going "oh, my god! you're an idiot!" and i can't slow down because my brake is pointed at the ground. >> jimmy: your hands. >> i know at some point i passed a howler monkey that went, "what the hell was that?" [ laughter ] and we get to the end of the ride. because i couldn't slow it down, i literally just went bam, bam, bam. and what happened next, i cannot explain, but all i heard my wife say was, "see? i told you it would be fun." and i whipped around and went --
[ speaking spanish ] she goes, "i don't like the sound of that." and i go, "i don't even know what i just said!" and the guide walks by, and he goes, "you just said, 'crazy woman, why don't you just kill mwith a gun.'" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. see, it just came out. >> and if you're wondering, they call it a zip-lining because at the end of the ride, your zipper is lined with pee, and i have the dvd to prove it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "the bill engvall show" premieres this saturday at 9:00 p.m. on tbs. check it out. jonas brothers next. thanks, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ healthy hair is soft, silky. and you can get it. fabulous, healthy hair. all you need is pantene. salon names and fancy packaging are nice, but you don't need it. even experts agree. it's damage protection results leading salon brands can't beat. trust me on this, the blow dryer, the curling iron, and the flat iron, and my hair's still shiny. pantene moisture renewal.
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. these guys, our next guests are unbelievable. you know, they just played -- a -- 50,000 people. they played for 50,000 people. not many people can do that. they're a pop music phenomenon. who's sold millions of albums and concert tickets in the past year. here to perform "paranoid" from their new album "lines, vines and trying times," please welcome jonas brothers, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i make the most of all this stress i try to live without regrets ♪ ♪ but i'm about to break a sweat i'm freaking out ♪ ♪ it's like a poison in my brain it's like a fog that blurs the scene ♪
♪ it's like a vine you cant untangle i'm freaking out ♪ ♪ every time i turn around something don't feel right i might be paranoid ♪ ♪ i'm avoiding the lines 'cause they just might split can someone stop the noise? ♪ ♪ i don't know what it is but it just don't fit i'm paranoid yeah ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i take the necessary steps to get some air into my chest i'm taking all the doctors meds ♪ ♪ i'm still freaking out that's why my ex is still my ex ♪ ♪ i never trust
a word she says i'm running all the background checks ♪ ♪ she's freaking out every time i turn around something's just not right i might be paranoid ♪ ♪ i'm avoiding the lines 'cause they just might split can someone stop the noise? ♪ ♪ i don't know what it is but it just don't fit consider me destroyed ♪ ♪ i don't know how to act 'cause i lost my head i must be paranoid♪ ♪ i never thought it would come to this i'm paranoid ♪ ♪ stuck in the room we're staring faces oh ♪ ♪ i'm caught in a nightmare
i cant wake up if you hear my cry running through her streets ♪ ♪ i'm about to break come and rescue me she might be paranoid yeah ♪ ♪ i'm avoiding the lines 'cause they just might split can someone stop the noise? ♪ ♪ i don't know what it is but it just don't fit consider me destroyed ♪ ♪ i don't know how to act 'cause i lost my head i must be paranoid ♪ ♪ and i never thought it would come to this i'm paranoid ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. very, very nice. good to see you guys.