tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC September 27, 2012 12:35am-1:35am EDT
♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by worldwide pants and cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> dave: i'm telling you, if i wrote that song-- you know, you mentioned your co-star lucy liu. you know who's on tomorrow night? do-see-do. (laughter) do you know where the magna carta is? >> runnymede. no, not anymore. >> dave: william the conquerer? >> i must make a correction, actually. it was signed in 1214 and a half not 1215. >> dave: (laughs) >> i think he was nervous. >> dave: he was off by six months. am i right, william the conquerer was in on this, was he not? >> he was in on a lot of stuff. >> dave: i knew it was him! i knew he'd pull something like that.
you're living in new york city now? >> yes. >> dave: do you have a family? >> i do, i have a wife and a three-year-old boy. >> dave: oh, tremendous, there's nothing better than that. well, listen, great pleasure meeting you and good luck. the show is titled "elementary" and you can see it tomorrow night at 10:00. here's hoping it's an enormous hit. nice meeting you. thank you very much. thanks for watching. good night. everybody. [laughter] craig: the girls of lesbian rorks everybody. [applause] -- row, everybody.
i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, craig, why have you brought up the girls of lesbian row? tonight it is international lesbian row. we have girls from -- >> france. >> sweden. >> france. craig: do you know each other? >> yes. craig: that's awesome. and where are you from, young international lady? >> orange county! craig: that's fine. so france, what part of france are you from? >> paris. craig: we have been there. we went there. geoff and went to paris. geoff: yeah, yeah. [laughter] craig: which part of paris? >> second. craig: oh! where are you from? >> sweden. craig: which part? lake malmo. craig: is that the place where is the thing happened with the
dragon tattoo thing? >> no. [laughter] craig: you're from -- also from paris? >> yes. craig: i like to pretend that i don't speak english very well to people who english is not their first language. it helps me feel included. which part of orange county are you from? >> the boring part. craig: more specific. >> the valley. craig: yes. ladies, i've got a special surprise for you. secretariat, come on out, will you? [applause] ladies, please meet the legendary american racehorse, secretariat. a little jumpy there. we're going to send you to a fabulous hollywood restaurant. the ivy. you can go for free, on one
condition. if you can dance gangnam style with my horse and me. hit it! ♪ [applause] >>♪ it's hard to stay up it's been a long, long day and you've got the sandman at the door but hang on leave the tv on and let's do it anyway it's ok you can always sleep through work tomorrow ok hey, hey tomorrow's just your future yesterday ♪ [captioning made possible by worldwide pants, inc., and the cbs television network]
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i like it! i like that! [applause] it's a new thing. thanks a lot, studio audience. we have just invented a new thing and the show has hardly begun. and you think we're going wave like this? no. that is like kermit's wave, isn't it? [laughter] i thought you liked me but you're just like waving. they don't like me. they just like waving. [laughter] it's a great day for america, everybody! yes, indeed, it is. it is! [applause] although the nfl thing is going and going and going. green bay quarterback aaron rodgers said the nfl cares about money more than football. careful! [laughter] he's not the only quarterback sounding off. today, brett favre texted a picture of a frowny penis.
[laughter] [applause] wait, wait, wait. aren't they all frowny? they are all a little bit grumpy. hey, how are you doing? come on! [laughter] hewn when they are frowning? never mind. look, it's a great day for us here in california. we're getting -- wait until you hear. you'll be so jealous. we're getting driverless cars. i know, yes! they are cars that can run completely on sensors and gigabytes and stuff. california governor jerry brown signed legislation to make it happen. we'll soon bable to buy a car that drives itself. i'm thinking, well, wow! [laughter] what next? bread that toasts itself? gum that chews itself? nfl games that referee themselves? [applause]
come on, craig. come on, craig. let it go. no, you let it go, nfl! and pay the damn referees! i'm staying neutral on this. [laughter] driverless cars. i don't know if a driverless car will affect us here in l.a. it's not really a car town. ha-ha. you see what i did? these driverless cars should be available in about 10 years. wow. i'll be almost 40. [laughter] just in time for my first midlife crisis. drives itself while i sit in back and do something private. [laughter] like cry. while masturbating. [laughter] in the olden days, people had to pull a crank to start their car. now with cars driving themselves they will be able to
pull their crank. that's enough. i don't know if we should be spending time and money developing the driverless car. we have drivers. it's oil we're running out of. how about a car that doesn't need oil? "craig, is that commentary of some kind?" nah, just something to fill time in between jokes about my balls. [laughter] rest assured, geoff, everything's fine. geoff: oh, good, more ball jokes. craig: anyway, the governor of california, what's his name, jerry brown. he made a speech about the new legislation. he said "today we're looking at science fiction becoming tomorrow's reality." makes me miss arnold schwarzenegger as governor. i could do his voice. geoff: yeah, it was really good. craig: he would have been great making a speech about science fiction becoming reality. he's also great at running the state into the toilet, but that's beside the point. oh, he didn't? you oohed me? he wasn't just running the state into the toilet. he was also banging the help!
[applause] don't you ooh me! [applause] [arnold] i not only am truning state. i'm ruining my marriage. you do it. geoff: maria, i swear. we only did it once or twice. craig: "science fiction is reality. i'll be back. ice to see you. agggggggggh." driverless cars were designed by google. so governor brown signed the legislation at google headquarters in northern california. there is competition between northern california and southern california to see who can change the world the most. this week, northern california gave us a driverless car. but southern california gave us "dancing with the stars: all star edition." your move, northern california. i like the fact that google's making these cars. who better to help you find your way than the company that helps
you find your porn? [laughter] [applause] you don't need to give me the clap. [laughter] i know what i said. google helps you find -- directions, erections, tomayto, tomahto. they've been testing driverless cars across the country. so far they haven't had one accident. but they need to put these cars up against a real test. mel gibson. [laughter] lindsay lohan. maybe. whose the new kid doing all the crazy driving? geoff: amanda bynes. craig: amanda bynes. you oohed again? geoff, let's try and remember who was driving their car drunk? me or amanda bynes? geoff: amanda bynes. craig: what the hell? geoff: a bunch of jack asses.
craig: jack asses! california's not the first state to pass legislation on driverless cars. they did it in florida a few months ago. a guy running for a state senate seat in florida ran an attack ad against the guy who sponsored the bill. basically went, "do we want driverless cars running wild through our streets? people in florida were like -- [old] "not on my lawn." the guy who paid for the ad didn't win. but the ad was clearly designed to frighten old people. driverless characters old people. and there are much easier ways of frightening old people. you could show them an ipad. [laughter] hide their yogurt. tell them about the state of social security. tell them that beige shoes have been banned. [laughter] geoff: show them a frowny penis. craig: frowny penis. [laughter] the driverless car thing, though, someone told me, "craig,
a driverless car would allow you to play angry birds while driving." i went "wait, you're not allowed to play angry birds while driving?" [laughter] it's misleading anyway. you're still able to take over the controls if you want. it is like an autopilot system. pilots do it on airplanes. captains do it on ships. i'm doing it now. i'm asleep. right, geoff? geoff: [snoring] craig: you like the idea? what kind of car do you drive? geoff: oh, i'm an auto erotica pilot. craig: i don't understand what that is. geoff: yeah, you do. craig: no, no, i really don't. geoff: why don't you come over here and pull my crank and find out. [applause] craig: see, that's your answer
to every situation. i try, i challenge you at something. we went through this in therapy, geoff. i challenge you at something and then that's it. geoff: i learned it from watching you, ok? craig: do the thing. geoff: you have climbed aboard the late, late show train with frowny penis ferguson and autopilot peterson. [ female announcer ] caroline penry began using olay total effects in 2001.
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[applause] craig: ♪ welcome back, everybody. welcome back. welcome back to the big show where tonight geoff and i are going crazy. right, geoff? geoff: out of our minds! craig: because we're giving away prizes, right, geoff? geoff: big prizes. craig: what are we giving away tonight, geoff? geoff: we're giving away cranks. if you want to g.e. get your car started. craig: isn't crank a drug? geoff: no. craig: i think it is a mixture of crack and whack. geoff: i'm confused. craig: are you all right? geoff: i'm fine. craig: you can get spooked by international lesbians.
they are right next to you. they are almost touching you. you can't tell from that camera angle, but i'm telling you. what time is it, geoffrey peterson? geoff: tweetmail time. time to take advice from a man who may be dreaming this entire program right now. [laughter] craig: no, i'll spin the kangaroo testicles and if they keep spinning, it's a dream. [laughter] all right. we're good. see, if a kangaroo can do that without losing its testicles then you have an act. what time is it? geoff: well, it is tweetmail time. craig: oh, yeah. what? [applause] driverless cars? [laughter] play the jingle.
>> ♪ twitter tweets will set you free triceratops twitter tweet the night with me check the tweets and also e-mail ♪ craig: ♪ and your e-mail [applause] ♪ e-mail time again [laughter] whirkse it's e-mail time partner. this is from nacks ontario. you ever been up to canada? it gets toefield cold. your testicles slink into your body. geoff: get little frowny penis. craig: hey, max, what's up? do you guys have a favorite
median? um, well, i'm very fond of the work of geoff peterson. geoff: i quite admire the works of mr. craig ferguson. craig: wow, it almost killed you to say it, if you weren't already dead! i admire the works of craig ferguson. geoff: no, i'm a huge fan of craig ferguson. craig: you know, my son, who is 11, said to me, dad, you know gabriel igglacias the comedian? yeah, he has been on the show. well, he is funny, dad. i said what the hell does that mean? he said i doesn't mean anything. i'm just letting you know, he is funny. can you believe that? geoff: kid makes a good point. craig: he is funny. geoff: not as funny as craig ferguson. craig: i think you know that is not true. this is from lee in minnesota.
you ever been to minnesota? hey, calm down, minnesotans. that's as lively as it has been in minnesota in years. i appreciate how less creepy you make me look in comparison. [laughter] do you think i'm creepy? [creepy music] [laughter] maybe my horse is creepy. [laughter] maybe my gay robot pal is creepy. put the lotion in the basket! that's enough. welcome, international lesbians. this is from mike in seneca falls, new york. have you ever been there? dear craig, during the show, could you give a shoutout to the u.s. army's military police?
it is the birthday today at 9:26-41. yep. did i do that right? geoff: that was great, man. craig: i didn't want to be disrespectful. it is military police. geoff: no, you're a genius, craig ferguson. craig: finally this is from jack in pittsburgh but currently in amsterdam. geoff: oh. craig: i was in amsterdam once in 1987. i think. actually i have got a feeling i might still be in amsterdam and it might still be 1987. i really hope that is not true, what i just said, because if it is, these cookies were laced with something. dear craig and geoff. i took the summer off and wandered around europe like you're supposed to do before college. i don't want to come back. how do i tell my parents? what you say is hey, mom, dad.
i changed my mind. i would like to host a middle of the night show on cbs. [laughter] you're on the right track, kid. let that be a warning to you. right, geoff? geoff: yeah, you could aspire to be like craig ferguson. [laughter] craig do you want to do a little? come on then. ♪ geoff: ♪ craig: ♪ geoff: ♪ craig: hey, did you know -- i never noticed this before. when we do that, the horse dances a little bit. watch this. [laughter] ♪ [applause] craig: we'll be right back, everybody. this happy couple used capital one venture miles for their "destination wedding."
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craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. [applause] my first guest tonight is an emmy award-winning actor. he stars in "the big bang theory." [applause] which apparently is very popular with international lesbians. the season premiere is tomorrow night at 8 p.m. on cbs. take a look at this. >> where do you stand on the an thropic principle? >> on the one hand -- >> you don't even know what it is, do you? if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent
creatures to arise that are capable of asking the question as i am doing. >> i know what the anthropic principle is. >> of course. i just explained it to you. craig: jim parsons, everybody! [applause] craig: jim, jim, jim. texas james. how are you? >> very nice to be back. craig: this is your first time in the big room. >> this is if i first time in the big house. craig: first time in the big house. >> i thought you would use some of your mom and pop charms being in the nicer digs approximately you haven't. craig: you can take the pervert
out of the basement but you can't take -- >> this is great. a good view of secretariat. hi. [laughter] good to see you. craig: you know, i have never heard the horse speak. no, i did once, when i was tripping in vegas. how are you? how is the new season? is it good? >> it is wonderful. it absolutely is. there have been some very successful episodes so far. craig: you haven't added anything new or done anything new? i just don't like new things. >> i mean new stories? craig: yes, new stories is fine. there is not like scrappy doo or anything like that? >> no, we haven't adopted any children or anything like that. that's what they would do. bring on a kid, you know, or a pet. craig: that's when you know you're in the last couple of seasons. >> except i was just thinking one of the things, remember on
"friends qus ross had that monkey. that wasn't a ratings savior. things were going fine. he just had a monkey. i would be so stressed out if i had to work with that monkey every week. craig: monkeys are dangerous. >> you have got geoff. [applause] god bless him. he doesn't poop on the floor. craig: he does kind of a little bit. >> back there, who can tell? geoff: keep it up, parsons! craig: he is really having a go at you. >> i don't know. craig: i think you do know. you went right after him. >> no, i just -- no. i don't know what to say, geoff. geoff: penis parsons. craig: watch it. it is advertise first time in the big house.
let it go, man. >> i did "harvey" on broadway. i had a wonderful time. craig: it was? >> it was really nice to come back to l.a. to start work. that was like seven weeks ago now. there is no better way to enjoy one city than to see the other one. one job took me to new york and now i'm back in l.a. they highlight each other's good qualities. craig: what happened to you, man if? >> what do you mean? craig: you're being all positive and upbeat. >> i was? craig: i like a little bit of cynicism. >> you'll have it. i really kind of thought i'm going to go -- i'm going to be nice. [laughter] craig: i don't know, jim. it is kind of freaking me out. like you found a religion or something. i'm going to be pleasant no matter what happens. >> i found religion. i mean, i'm here. this is the church i come to. craig: don't call this place a church. >> not in a bad way. craig: churches are excellent, america! [applause]
no, i mean don't call -- never mind. >> why? craig: so new york was nice then? did you have nice pizza? did it smell of pee-pee? not the pizza. >> sometimes you smell urine. you take the good, you take the bad. i'm sorry, that wasn't positive enough. it was horrible. craig: i don't like the smell of that kind of business in the street unless it is in new york. then i'm like that's all right. >> i agree with you. that's what comes with the territory. it gives it life and tang. craig: tang? tid you have any tang? isn't tang one of those fizzy drinks they used to give astronauts? was it fizzy? >> no, i don't believe it is fizzy. there may be a new one these days, energy tang. craig: fizzy tang? i used to dance under that name. >> how many times are we going
to say fizzy tang before you have something to add? geoff: i'm just watching you. craig: "harvey" that's a great show. did you have fun with that? >> i had a lot of fun with it, yeah. craig: i think it is a parable about alcoholism, that play. >> he is a heavy drinker. that being said, they make reference to -- not a lot of bar scene or anything. he talks about a bar, but the whole thing is about that imaginary or not imaginary rabbit. if the alcohol is bringing that on, then it seems all for the best. [laughter] craig: you talked me into it. so long, 20 years of sobriety. >> oh, my god, me and you both. i don't drink either. which is why i'm playing alcoholics. craig: did you ever drink? >> i used to enjoy the drink. craig: i knew i felt that kind of bond with you. >> 10 years ago you and i.
craig: 10 years ago, i was 10 years sober. >> is that right? 20 years. how old were you? craig: when i got sober 5. i'm 50 now. i got sober when i was 29. >> i was 30 -- i don't like to call it getting sober. i just quit drinking. craig: i actually did the whole rehab. dr. phil follows me around. >> well, i quit. i quit right before we shot the pilot for "big bang." i did it just to focus and clear up before we were shooting the pilot. i don't know what i was thinking. craig: was there marching in the pilot? i can't remember. >> shut up. i was marching forward in life. that's what i was doing. it was a big change. i kept saying if the show gets picked up, i'll start drinking again and then it did, i thought things are going so well. if we get picked up for the back nine, then eventually i kind of
became superstitious. craig: that's how i quit smoking. >> then i quit smoking. i swear to god. craig: why? oh, it kills you. it kills you. i stopped smoking -- the thing about stopping smoking, i like smoking. i only stopped because it kills you. if you could smoke and not like die. >> i would smoke. craig: me too. i would be like -- >> you would have to deal with it in this set. craig: i don't mind that. when i see smokers standing outside in group s of two or three, i go there go my people. >> i grupecompleeply agree with you. craig: i'm still a smoker somehow. >> i had a doctor tell me if you cut down, you could smoke four a day and i would be ok with that. craig: can i have the address of this doctor? [laughter] >> i think it was some sort of hit know dsh hit no tism.
there was a man who did a show there and it was like diner type thing in houston. i'm weak and i was -- craig: no, you're not weak. you're sensitive. >> you're right. i'm sensitive and vulnerable and gullible. craig: and adorable. >> i know. [applause] >> but he picked up on that and at some point he did something and i was -- and i did not know until i came back and my two friends were like did you know -- i'm like no. they are like you were asleep. i'm like no. they were like yeah. craig: i used to do that with alcohol. [laughter] >> that's self-induced h ypnotism. i couldn't get much movement. thank god. he just -- it was all in his
eyes. craig: what did he do? did he say look into my eyes? >> i guess he had some -- he was really good. craig: all right then. [laughter] >> i mean, i feel weird, but we're on a talk show. craig: that's what i was trying to do. i was trying to make you feel weird. >> i'm saying i felt weird the moment i walked in. the whole atmosphere is -- it is not like i'm at home. i love being here. i'm comfortable. that's not the point. craig: let me throw another log on the fire for you. something like that. >> i would like to see you try. craig: ok. be right back. >> no, don't do it! craig: ready? >> yes. [applause] >> you're not going move the screen? oh, you didn't need to. it is cozy. you're right. now it is better. craig: yeah.
take your shoes off. relax. >> i don't feel awkward anymore. oh, god. craig: there you are. [applause] you have gotten very sedate with your socks. >> what were they before? craig: you used to be this sort of guy. >> those are absolutely electric. craig: they are actually tights. [laughter] >> these match. so i wore them. craig: is that a onesie? [applause] >> god, i wish. i wish. craig: that would be cool. we have to take a commercial break. >> have at it. craig: ok. eggs, bacon, and pancakes.
>> i was like what do you want with the pilot? i was like we may not get a chance like this again. you better wise up. are we back? we are? craig: yeah, yeah. [laughter] hey, hey. yes, there you are. so you had a nice summer play in "harvey." you didn't take any vacation? >> no, i didn't. i'll not do that again unless an opportunity comes along that i simply can't refuse. i feel very much like keep going. keep going while opportunity keeps knocking. craig: well, i don't know. you have to take -- >> i don't feel like i'm desperate -- you know, chained to that notion necessarily and i do think that it will be -- it is equally important to take a few weeks off at least this summer. i didn't take any off last summer either. craig: skiing would be good for you. >> first, i don't. i don't care to. i'll tell you why. i have known too many people
that have broken limbs. i've always said as an actor, i don't want to screw myself out of a job. craig: "rear window," that is a about a guy a broken leg. >> no, i'll act the broken leg if i have to. i'll try skiing. craig: what about motorcycles? >> smart. can you see me riding around l.a. with the driverless cars around me? i think we could use those here. i didn't know that was going on. brown says he wants them? is that what he said? when i first moved here, my thought was like 50%, let's keep it low, 50% of the cars. i don't care what happens to my car. seriously, and i -- it just, you know, you're like oh, you don't care if you hit me.
oh, my god. they don't care. not everybody. craig: 50%. >> one in two drivers in l.a. don't care. craig: half. half. >> well. craig: well, that's all i got. we're out of time. do you want some fruit? >> oh, my god. yeah, sure. is it organic? craig: we have a lot of produce. that's passion fruit. >> it is. craig: this is a fresh jicama. >> i used to work in a grocery store. craig: let's play name that vegetable. start off easy. >> apple. craig: this? >> jicami. >> is an ugly fruit? no. a testicle? it is a chanoya. star fruit?
craig: that's not a star fruit. a keanu. you know, keanu reeves. that's stupid. he is on the show this week. >> is he? craig: it is like his first time on the show. i've been trying to get him for years. >> he would be thrilled. craig: if he comes out and i go i have a fruit that kind of sounds like your name, he will be like why wasn't i here before? >> yeah. craig: finally this one. >> it is ugly. is it an ugli one? is it just a relative of that? craig: it is a different type of chanoya. it is less prickly. i think we all learned something. do you want to do mig else? >> what? i don't know. what will we do? you already played the mouth organ. craig: you want to dance gangnam
style or oprah style? gangnam style. play some music. [applause] ♪ so iv will: [ inner voice ] the only place i can afford. i'm so glad you're home. yeah. will: [ inner voice ] if i was smart enough to pounce on the daily double for just a buck 99 on the mcdonald's extra value menu i can handle this. i got this great loft space. ooo, very cool. [ male announcer ] start with nothing. build a ground-breaking car. good. now build a time machine. go here. find someone who can build a futuristic dashboard display. bring future guy back. watch him build a tft display like nothing you've ever seen. get him to explain exactly what that is. the thin-film transistor display -- [ male announcer ] mnh, maybe not. just show it. customize the dash. give it park assist, that fuel efficiency flower thing. send future guy home. his work here is done. destroy time machine. win some awards. send in brady. that's how you do it. easy. boring. boring.
[ jack ] after lauren broke up with me, i went to the citi private pass page and decided to be...not boring. that's how i met marilyn... giada... really good. yes! [ jack ] ...and alicia. ♪ this girl is on fire [ male announcer ] use any citi card to get the benefits of private pass. more concerts, more events, more experiences. [ jack ] hey, who's boring now? [ male announcer ] get more access with the citi card. [ crowd cheering, mouse clicks ] no you don't, honey. yes, you do! don't! i've washed a few cupcake tins in my day... oh, so you're a tin expert now. is that... whoa nelly! hi, kitchen counselor here. he's actually right... with cascade complete. see cascade complete pacs work like thousands of micro-scrubbing brushes to help power away tough foods even in corners and edges. so, i was right, right? i've gotta run. more households use cascade dishwashing detergent than any other brand.
please welcome dispatch, everybody! dispatch! ♪ he's much too small, it's like he's weightless when he turned six, they answered tests they searched science, he's patriotic ah let's send him where no one else has gone and after all he can not speak or walk let's send him out to moon, do circles round the sun when he was twelve, the time had come then and if his prize he said he loved them then came the suits, then came
the government she stayed and cried, she could not keep him ah let's send him where no one else has gone and after all he can not speak or walk let's send him out to moon, do circles round the sun hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho hey, hey, hey, hey, hey oh, oh, oh ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho hey, hey, hey, hey, hey oh, oh, oh ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho then he came back, yeah he came back the doctors were shocked by his vital signs she said would you like to go