tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC April 5, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EDT
and featuring the legendary roots cr. >> questlove: nova! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on. that makes you feel so good. that's what i'm talking about. welcome. this is a hot new york city crowd tonight. hey, welcome, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very, very much. welcome to "the tonight show," everybody.
oh, i love you, too, sir. well, here's what everybody's talking about. after weeks of back and forth, bernie sanders and hillary clinton have finally agreed to hold the debate in brooklyn next thursday. [ cheers and applause ] you know you're in new york when you have to argue over the date of when you're going to argue. [ laughter ] "oh, see you next wednesday. i can't do wednesday. thursday!" [ laughter ] that's right, bernie sanders and hillary clinton have agreed to meet for another debate next thursday at the brooklyn navy yard. bernie said he chose the location because of its history while hillary liked it because it's remote, poorly lit, and close to the east river. [ laughter and applause ] see ya there. and hillary clinton's top aide huma abedin, who is married to anthony weiner, said the -- [ laughter ] said the first time she met hillary clinton -- [ laughter ] >> s:
>> jimmy: no, no, no, no. say yes. huma abedin, who is married to anthony weiner, said the first time she met hillary clinton she thought she was beautiful but little. [ laughter ] which incidentally is also what she thought the first time weiner texted her a photo. [ cheers and applause ] how am i suppose -- i got to do that. ♪ >> steve: hey-oh! >> jimmy: hey, come on. >> steve: hey-oh! >> jimmy: someone beat me to it. >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: hey, over on the republican side, ben carson said yesterday that donald trump knows about foreign policy just as much as the other candidates but is not an expert on russia. trump was like, "that is nonsense. [ laughter ] i ordered half my wives from russia. so i think i know what i'm talking about." [ applause ] [ laughter ] actually, during a rally last
against claims that her husband is sexist and said donald treats everyone equally. she was like, "he treats everyone the same whether they're supermodels, swimsuit model, or lingerie model. they're all -- [ laughter and applause ] they're all equal in his eyes." i want to say congrats to the villanova wildcats who won the college basketball national championship last night! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] the game came to an end when forward kris jenkins hit a a three-point buzzer -- a a three-point shot right at the buzzer. did you see this? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: it's only in like college -- watch this. look at -- >> three seconds -- >> jimmy: look at this. >> jenkins -- gets it to jenkins -- >> jimmy: look at this. last second. >> for the championship! [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: he got it, they won! how exciting is that? it was unbelievable. now it's time to settle down for 162 games of baseball. so that's just -- [ laughter and applause ] of course, everyone at villanova is sill celebrating. i saw today that villanova ca
or as the players put it, "canceled what now?" [ laughter and applause ] this is kind of crazy. i saw that a nasa administrator predicts that we're on track to get humans to mars by the year 2030, and there's actually a a lot of people who want to sign up for the trip. when they asked those people if they're ready for a lonely life where they can only communicate through a screen, they were like, "what's that? [ laughter ] i just got to -- i just got to finish this tweet out really quick, hold on. [ applause ] okay. what was that now"? this is interesting here, a new study finds that some people may be --some people may be genetically programmed to be vegetarians. so in addition to having your grandmother's eyes, you can also inherit her ability to be difficult at restaurants. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: and that's good. >> jimmy: big international story. more than 11.5 million documents called the panama papers just leaked. and they link vladimir putin to $2 billi h
[ audience oohs ] and if confirmed, it could be the least bad thing putin's ever done. [ laughter and applause ] this thing made me laugh here. a reporter in australia was broadcasting live outside a a courthouse when she got an unexpected visitor. take a look at what happened. >> now the court -- [ screams ] [ laughter ] >> [ bleep ] yeah, i know, but like -- i was not expecting that. i can't get it off me! oh, my god. oh, my god. can you please get it off me? it's not funny, though, guys. it's not funny. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: it is kind of funny, i mean -- by the way, worst pirate ever. [ laughter ] and finally, this is cool. amazon prime just unveiled new buttons you can press in order to order dorito's, red bull, and trojan condoms. [ laughter ] that's right, dorito's, red bull, and condoms, or as it's called in new jersey, a gift basket. there you go. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for being here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] it's a fun show tonight. fun show tonight. guys, we wanted to try a fun new bit. it's called kid impressions. but first we need your help. we want you to send us clips of your kids doing their best impressions of the presidential candidates. [ light laughter ] so if you go to tonightshow.com, we have some clips of trump, cruz, hillary, and bernie. just show them to your kid and have him or her do their best impression of one of the candidates then upload it to youtube with the title "tonight show kid impression." we'll pick our favorites and who knows? your kid might be on the show. it'll be fun. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: got a big week of shows ahead. tomorrow night our pal cameron diaz will be here. >> steve: yeah.
oh this is the best. we're going to play a game of drinko. so be sure to tune in for that. plus, we have great music from alessia cara, and then later this week -- [ cheers and applause ] my man russell crowe, kerry washington will be dropping by. it's gonna be good. [ cheers ] but first, we have a fun show tonight. from the hbo movie "confirmation," academy award-nominated actor greg kinnear is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. love him. >> jimmy: i love him. >> steve: lovely man. >> jimmy: plus she's the author of "the new york times" best-selling memoir "love, loss and what we ate," the lovely padma lakshmi is joining us, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and then this guy, he has a a brand-new showtime series called "dice." he's a legendary stand-up comedian. he's the first comic to sell out madison square garden two nights consecutively. i mean, unbelievable, and here he is returning to new york. i mean, come on, this is perfect.
the one and only, the man himself, andrew dice clay is here! oh! >> steve: oh! hey! >> jimmy: unbelievable. he would just come out, and it'd be just applause for ten minutes. he would just kind of stand there and then he'd light up a a cigarette. [ laughter ] and then he put the thing around his head. oh, my gosh, he's the best. guys, now it's time to take a a look at the stories making headlines today, weigh the good and the bad. it's time for pros and cons. here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: tonight we'll be taking a look at the pros and cons of chipotle opening a a burger chain. >> steve: oh. [ audience ohs ] wow. >> jimmy: according to reports, they're thinking about getting into the burger business. it's new territory for them. so let's take a look at the pros and cons of chipotle opening a burger cin. here we go. pro, chipotle is calling it "better burger." con, your digestive system is
calling it "in 'n' out." [ laughter ] >> steve: really? [ applause ] >> jimmy: both good name -- >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: both good names. >> steve: yeah, both good names. you got to think outside the bun. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pro, they're hoping to be the number one burger place in america. con, or at least a big number two. [ laughter ] solid number. >> steve: solid number. >> jimmy: solid number. >> steve: number two is great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pro, a mexican chain is venturing into american food. con, donald trump plans to build a wall around the kitchen. [ laughter and applause ] "no more french fries." >> steve: "the extra guac will pay for it." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: pro, they'll have a a fun new mascot to rival the hamburglar. con, el chapo. [ laughter ] kids love -- >> steve: kids love el chapo. the tunnel. >> jimmy: pro, workers get a a generous vacation plan. con, because the restaurant is shut down 360 days a year. that works out nice. [ applause ] pro, chipotle's burger restaurants will have 75 seats.
bathroom. [ laughter ] >> steve: oh. burrito bowl. >> jimmy: give the people what they want. pro, they also plan to open an upscale seafood restaurant with a fancy name. con, salmonella. that's a nice -- [ laughter ] >> steve: little nella, it's salmonella. >> jimmy: little zip to it. yeah. >> steve: they want salmon. >> jimmy: and finally pro, the health department just completed an inspection and issued its final report. con -- ♪ da da da da da ♪ we're closin' it there you go everybody. that's the pros and cons. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show." thank you very much! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you live on a planet that is mostly water. sometimes water just starts falling out of the sky. when water freezes, people play on it. when it bubbles, people sit in it. when it moves, people slide down it. and smart people, like this person, say there's about to be even more water. there's about to be even more water. ok, smile. in fact, there's so much water out there,
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and i approve this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to "the tonight show," everybody. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. thank you! it is time for a new bit we call bad signs. ♪ ♪ if we lucky we got 'em bad signs ♪ [ laughter ]
>> steve: i'm a little wheezy. >> jimmy: wow, yeah. went for it there. wow, wow, wow. >> steve: pulling out all the stops. >> jimmy: that's an opening song right there. [ light laughter ] hot, hot opening. not sure if we can match that. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: ain't we lucky we got 'em? ♪ ♪ bad signs [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: these are -- thank you, roots. these are funny or weird signs that you've seen and taken pictures of and sent them into us. these are all real and they're bad. [ light laughter ] here's the first one here, and you'll get the idea. do not enter, entrance only. [ light laughter ] see, that's a bad sign. that's a mind bender. >> steve: yeah. it's a haiku. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, thank you. it is a haiku. this next one, someone found on some grocery store oranges. this one made me laugh. look.
zoom in a little bit. not the best but still good. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: they're honest. they're honest with you. >> jimmy: hey. >> steve: how are those oranges? >> jimmy: ain't going to lie to you. >> steve: how are those oranges? >> jimmy: they're not the best, but they're still all right. [ light laughter ] the produce guy. here's another. this is a good one. tasty ass crackers. [ laughter ] there you go. i think they mean assorted. assorted. [ light laughter ] >> steve: i don't know. tasty ass crackers. how are those crackers? they good? >> jimmy: either way, i'm sold. i like it. >> steve: yeah. i love tasty ara my favorite, man. [ light laughter ] >> steve: they're not tasty ass crackers. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> steve: they're tasty ass crackers. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] next one -- [ laughter ] next, this is a back to school display. >> steve: oh, good. back to school. >> jimmy: back to school. look at this. it's at a liquor store. filled with wine. it's all wine. [ laughter ] come on, mom. >> steve: come on, mom. the kids are going to get going. >> jimmy: come on, soccer mom -- >> steve: you want them whining or you wining?
>> jimmy: here's the next sign here. first communion gown. that's nice. [ laughter ] kids grow up so fast. they grow up so fast. this next one's good too. look at this next one. this is great. it says employees must wash hands, in air quotes. >> steve: yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: hey, go in there and wash your hands, all right? [ light laughter ] honey, i don't think we should eat here. yeah. >> steve: oh yeah, we washed our hands. >> jimmy: not clean. yeah, yeah. i washed my hands. [ light laughter ] turn the faucet on. yeah. >> steve: that's a plaque, too. >> jimmy: i know. [ light laughter ] here's another one that says, restrooms -- customer occupancy limit one hour. [ light laughter ] >> steve: that's it. >> jimmy: that's it, i'm coming in there! [ light laughter ] it's been an hour and 15. a little bit too long. we gave you an hour. >> steve: oh, it's the new chipotle burger place. >> jimmy: come on, man. i'm almost out.
>> steve: do i have to wash my hands? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm just washing my hands. [ light laughter ] >> steve: he's cool, he's washing his hands. leave him be. >> jimmy: i'm just washing my hands, that's all. [ light laughter ] another 45 minutes, please? >> steve: you got it. european. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. maybe the new chipotle burger place. [ light laughter ] thank you. the audience -- >> steve: they can write our jokes, yeah. [ laughter ] everybody's in. it's all inclusive, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: all inclusive. you guys can do your own jokes, too. >> steve: yeah. [ light laughter ] they become co-authors of a a piece. i love it. >> jimmy: that's actually a a decent joke. next time, someone saw ikea all beef hot dogs 50 cents. there's an asterisk. it says -- zoom in. it says not actual size. oh, okay. [ light laughter ] it's not a 12-foot hot dog? >> steve: forget it. i'm suing. >> jimmy: i want a 12-foot hot dog for 50 cents. all right. this next one's great. someone's waiting on line in mcdonalds, right? look at this minion.
hey! [ sandler style gibberish ] >> steve: he's wearing a a communion gown. [ sandler style gibberish ] [ light laughter ] >> steve: it's a sandler minion. >> jimmy: here's another one here. this is someone put this up at work, i guess, in the workplace. they just had -- enough is enough. guys, toasters for beagles only, okay? [ laughter ] enough's enough. >> steve: it's gotta stop. >> jimmy: stop, okay? now go ahead, rusty, show them how to do it. [ barking ] >> steve: what about my chihuahua? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely not. and finally, it's time for the applause of the week. this is the best sign that you guys sent in. it's a sign outside an animal clinic that says, "now watch me sniff, watch me play play." [ cheers and applause ] now watch me sniff sniff. watch me play play. that's all we have for bad signs. if you see a funny bad sign,
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♪ lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $399 a month only at your lincoln dealer. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an emmy- and academy award-nominated actor. starting april 16th, you can see him as joe biden in the hbo film "confirmation." ladies and gentlemen, please welcome greg kinnear. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: greg kinnear, oh,
good to have you back. i missed you. >> i know. i know. it's good to be back. last time -- that was a great game last night. >> jimmy: oh, was that exciting? [ cheers and applause ] >> unbelievable game, right? >> jimmy: exciting. >> and i'm watching, i'm thinking the last time i was here, we played random object shoot-out right over here where we shot random objects into a a basketball net. >> jimmy: quality television. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] what were we shooting that night? >> yeah, i watched these kids last night, and you know, they're pretty good with the ball, but how would they be with a 12-inch hot dog covered in sauerkraut? >> jimmy: exactly, yeah. random objects. >> or to go deep with a a tom cruise mannequin head. i don't think they could do it. i don't think ryan archiedabago or whatever it is. could hit it. >> jimmy: that's right. you did a great job with that. >> well, you were very good yourself. >> jimmy: oh, no, thanks, buddy. please, no. i haven't seen you. it's been a couple of years. everything going well? you're doing good? >> everything's good. everything's good. i, uh -- i had a little injury. i had -- what? >> jimmy: sorry. >> oh. no, i'm okay.
>> no, no, nothing serious. didn't you almost cut your finger off? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. i was -- yeah. my -- i didn't do it. i almost did it. the doctor almost had to cut it off, yeah. >> i -- i -- well then i don't really want to tell you my injury story in that case. >> jimmy: no, no, i'm not trying to out-injury you. >> well, it sounds like that's a tough one to beat, though. >> jimmy: i didn't do it on purpose because i knew you were coming on. [ laughter ] i'm happy everything's all right. you have all your fingers. >> i do have my -- no, i -- while i was making this movie -- i play joe biden and, uh -- vice president biden, who at the time was a a senator. this is during the confirmation hearings in the early '90s. and he had, during these confirmation hearings, a a terrible toothache. and while we were making the movie, i went to, you know, to watch a movie one afternoon myself when i wasn't working, and i'm watching the film, i'm having a little popcorn. suddenly i realize my tooth is missing. [ audience ohs ] my -- the very tooth that i was pretending that joe biden had a a sore tooth over was suddenly
[ light laughter ] so i was -- it was like -- >> jimmy: when did you -- when do you think it was taken? [ laughter ] >> i think it was taken while i was watching the film. it was a daniel day -- >> jimmy: do you chew your popcorn? or you just swallow them whole? >> no, i -- apparently i chew it very well. [ laughter ] and i -- it's a daniel day-lewis thing i guess. i was so in the character that i -- >> jimmy: method actor. was tooth was it, in the front? >> it's in the back. it's this back molar. and they put a temporary in, and even -- to cover it, they put a -- do you have any, do you have a crown? do you have a crown? >> jimmy: sure, absolutely. >> do you? >> jimmy: i think so. [ laughter ] >> do you have a crown? anybody have crowns in here? >> jimmy: yeah, i've had cavities, and yeah, i have crowns, sure. >> they put a temporary piece on top. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. no, it's a plastic. it's very -- >> it's horrible. >> jimmy: oh, it doesn't last long at all. >> no, it's the size of a golf ball. >> jimmy: it's not for your mouth. they make them in one size. >> i think you're right. >> jimmy: and just glue them
>> and even right now, i can -- i'm doing what i've been doing for the last six months, which is -- you just gently want to massage this area. the area. like he talked to me, just say anything. that's what it's been like the last six months. >> jimmy: are you enjoying spring? spring's almost here. is that exciting, springtime? get to go golfing and get to enjoy golf and get out there, right? the flowers are coming up. you got three daughters. can i see it? why don't you pull your head back. come on. no you stay there, yeah. [ laughter ] oh, yeah, i totally see it. yeah, yeah, yeah. totally -- yeah. [ laughter ] it's not even the color of a a tooth. >> and by the way, if it comes off -- if it comes off, they give you -- you go to a local pharmacy and you pick up a a little cement mixer and they give you this -- [ light laughter ] -- that you dip in. it's like a little putty and you can plaster it back on to hold it in place. it's a sad state of affairs for me these days. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> yeah. so i'm not doing great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but you look like you're doing great. you look like you're fantastic. how are the kids, how are the girls? >> the kids are good. >> jimmy: they are good?
>> i have three daughters. >> jimmy: yeah, congratulations. >> you have daughters, too. >> jimmy: i have two beautiful daughters. yeah, yeah, i love them. >> yeah. they treat you well? >> jimmy: they're the greatest. they love me. yeah. [ laughter ] i think. i mean, yeah, but they're babies. they're 2 1/2 and 1 1/2. >> i've got -- mine are a a little older. they've all passed through different -- they -- listen, they love me, and i love them and they're fantastic. but there is this little period that i've had with each of them where they all recognized the fact that i'm kind of the odd man out. that they have a sister, they have another sister, they got a a mommy and then there's this guy. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. yeah, yeah, you're different, yeah. >> and so last year -- i think this was from last year, my youngest -- i brought the video. she basically was going through this phase where she was -- everyone was -- she was a rock star. and everybody in the family was a rock star. mommy is a rock star, and sister was a rock star. but i absolutely was not in the club.
>> jimmy: you can not be a rock star, daddy. >> couldn't do it. >> jimmy: and -- well, this video we're showing, you interviewed her and tried to find out why. >> it's in my office. >> jimmy: why can't i be a rock star. so cute, watch this clip. >> what about daddy? >> no. >> no, i'm not a rock star? >> no. >> can i become a rock star? >> no. they have -- they have hair. and dads have no hair. [ laughter ] >> no hair for dads? >> no. >> that's why i can't be a rock star? >> no. >> what should i do? >> you can be anything you want. >> but i can't be a rock star? >> no. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's the cutest face. no. >> no. >> jimmy: you can be anything else. oh, my gosh. >> not a rock star. >> jimmy: precious, precious, precious. >> not gonna happen. >> jimmy: let's talk "confirmation." you play senator joe biden, vice president joe biden. >> yes. >> jimmy: did you meet him at all before you -- >> i never have.
i understand you have met him. >> jimmy: he's great. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's great. i was at some "time" event here in new york and he spoke. he's a fantastic speaker. >> yeah. >> jimmy: if you ever get a a chance to see him, it's amazing. and then i went over to him. i said, "thank you so much for -- just all the jokes in our monologue. [ laughter ] thank you very much." and he goes -- and i go, "please, you decide to run for president, that would just be the greatest thing ever to happen us." this was years ago. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: so i'm begging him to do that. he had a good sense of humor. >> yeah. he's very -- there's no shortage of footage on joe biden, obviously. so there's plenty to look at. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and these confirmation hearings took place in 1 1991, and he -- you know, clarence thomas was up for the supreme court, and there was a a allegation of abuse from anita hill, obviously. and it set off a -- kind of a a firestorm in washington. i mean, if you think that, you know, washington's gotten horrible and ugly in the last year, you haven't seen anything yet. it was happening back in 1991 as well.
here's greg kinnear as senator joe biden in "confirmation." take a look at this. >> does the white house know about her? >> we sent over a copy of her deposition. >> oh. they're going to love that, aren't they? okay, triple check the credibility. i mean, these situations pull all sorts of people out of the woodwork. >> yeah, i don't think that's the case here. she didn't call us, someone else sent her column in, and she has a corroborating witness. it took some convincing to get her to talk. but boy, once we started -- >> loose cannon? >> possibly. plus he fired her. >> oh. ex-employee disgruntled loose cannon. better yet. all right, bring her in. >> jimmy: come on. [ cheers and applause ] the tooth is the secret. greg kinnear. "confirmation" premieres arpil 16th at 8:00 pm on hbo. "confirmation." greg kinnear. we'll be right back with padma lakshmi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: our next guest is a a multiple emmy award nominee who has written this "new york times" best-selling memoir, "love, loss, and what we ate", which is available now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome padma lakshmi. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: come on. >> i love being here. >> jimmy: we love having you here. please. you know the roots. >> i do, i do. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. thank you for coming on. congrats on everything. oh, my gosh, "new york times" best-selling memoir? >> i know, i can't believe it. >> jimmy: i mean, come on. [ cheers ] >> and this one doesn't even have pictures in it or anything. >> jimmy: there's no pictures. it's not a cookbook. >> no. >> jimmy: but it's pretty personal. >> it's very personal. i mean, it does have a handful of recipes, because if i'm writing abou l
centers around food, so how could i not? >> jimmy: but if this is all -- what a career you've had and the different aspects of your life. from model and the relationships you've had. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, it's -- [ light laughter ] yeah, and the food as well. >> and the food. >> jimmy: and the food is great, too. >> it's also -- you know, it's also very funny, and it's also a lot about my childhood, especially in india. which i don't think -- you know, you see such a slim part of me from "top chef" or from pictures or whatever. and i loved doing this, and it was a really hard thing to do. but i love doing this, because i could talk about those other parts of my life that nobody got to see. you know, like when i was a a child in india or growing it up as a latchkey kid here in new york city with my mom. >> jimmy: oh, it's fascinating. >> thank you. >> jimmy: of course, as you said, there is recipes and stuff like that. >> well, a handful. there's, like, very simple six recipes. >> jimmy: yeah. because you have to put some type of food in there, because you are just -- you've just been told that you are a super taster. >> yes, yes. it's kind of like being a g
can't. but i didn't know it was -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: kind of, yeah. one way to describe it. >> well, i mean -- >> jimmy: but you have like perfect taste buds? what is it? >> it's when you have extra taste buds. basically -- and i didn't know this until we were filming "top chef" in seattle and we were at the science museum. and i took my daughter, krishna, to the children's part and there was sort of this taste bud booth. and so i went up there. i said, "you know, i've always felt like i could really taste very subtle things." and the scientist said, "maybe you're a super taster." i said, "is this a real thing?" i always thought it was a made up, imaginary thing. and she said, "no, no, i can test you and see if you're one." i said, "will it hurt?" you know, she said, "no, no." i said, "how long will it take?" she's like, "i can do it right now." i said, "i don't have to get undressed or anything?" [ laughter ] "no, it's fine." >> jimmy: you could if you want to. [ light laughter ] that's your choice. >> so, it's, like basically a a little tab test that they put on your tongue and they do all kinds of different pieces of paper.
it's not that kind of tab. >> jimmy: you went to bonnaroo. that's what you did, yeah. it was the best experience. yeah. >> and if you can taste bitter notes that other people can't, then you have extra taste buds. >> jimmy: wow. >> and so i found out that i do. i have extra taste buds. i mean, it's not like being able to have x-ray vision or anything, unfortunately. >> jimmy: something to put on the resume. >> that's true. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely. >> that is true. >> jimmy: there's funny stories in here that made me laugh. one is a good story in here that says you learned a lot from this show you used to do in italy. >> yeah, most people don't know this, but i actually got my start hosting on italian television. i was part of the cast of a a live variety show on sunday called "domenica in." and, you know, we had no script -- >> jimmy: "domenica in"? >> which means sunday in. spending the sunday in. >> jimmy: oh. >> and, you know, we had no script. it was flying by the seat of our pants. it was zany. i mean, one time i came on set in roller skates. it was just wild. >> jimmy: and so i did that last n.
>> yeah, exactly. so, i mean, it was so much fun. and you know, i studied spanish, but i never really studied italian. i learned italian from the cab drivers in italy. and as we know, cab drivers are very colorful. so, you know, because this is an italian show, we also break in for soccer reports in the middle of it. like, breaking news. you know, monta beats -- you know, whatever. and so, the most famous sports caster's name is galeazzi. and he's this huge -- imagine if jabba the hutt was italian. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's okay. yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, sure, sure, sure. >> he and the head host, his name was fabrizio, were teasing me, and by accident -- i thought i was calling him a a jerk, but in italian, i said another word which means, literally, a piece of excrement. >> jimmy: okay. thank you for covering. >> actually, greg kinnear was just here and i was laughing, because we -- we? the italians have a show called "blob" and it's like "talk soup." and so they show little snippets and sound bites from all the talk shows all week. and because i said this anit
went on air, hence no tape delay, they blobbed me all week. so that was before -- yeah. i felt like i made it. >> jimmy: you got blobbed! >> i got blobbed. >> jimmy: yes! and you did make it, yeah. >> i did make it. >> jimmy: look at you now, pal. >> exactly. >> jimmy: "new york times" best-seller. who is blobbing now, pals? [ laughter and applause ] i'm so happy for you. kiss the baby. >> i shall. >> jimmy: padma lakshmi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] her new book, "love, loss, and what we ate", is available now. andrew "dice" clay will perform stand-up for us next. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! questlove. can i get a one time? ♪ can i get a two time? ♪ ♪ our next guest is the undisputed heavyweight champion of comedy. his new comedy series, "dice", premieres this sunday on showtime. can i get a three time? ♪ ♪ ♪ everyone, please welcome the legend, andrew "dice" clay! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers ] [ cheers ] >> nah. nah, nah, nah. you know, i'm really like in a a bad mood. like the whole world is flipped upside down. i mean, i'm sorry, jimmy, if you don't have -- i mean, my own kid just told me backstage, "dad, your career's coming up. you don't want to go out there and say this." but somebody's got to say it, okay? i mean, come on. what are you, suckers? from the minute you wake up in the morning, there it is. cnn, facebook, twitter.
the violence, the mud slinging. this campaign is disgusting. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, "batman versus superman"? [ laughter ] are you kidding me with this here now? bruce wayne? they shouldn't even be on the same poster. there is no competition here. you know what i mean? think about it. bruce wayne, billionaire, batman, big shot, right? shows up at a little costume party with the outfit, the little mask with the pointy ears. the utility belt. [ laughter ] with a flashlight and a chain ladder and some pepper spray. what's he say, what's he say? "stop, i'm going to mace you." [ laughter ] drives around, this guy, right? drives around in a lite
souped-up trans-am with the big rims. you could meet this guy at any gas station changing out the battery with his little assistant, robin. [ laughter ] superman. they call superman "superman" because he's a super man. he's not from here, he's super. he jumps off a cliff, he's in bangkok in 30 seconds. [ light laughter ] going, "i'm over here now!" [ light laughter ] he could take the entire world, right? he could take the entire world and spin it on one finger like a harlem globetrotter. ♪ da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪ daddy. come on. [ applause ] if he has sex -- if he has sex with a woman, he knocks her eight planets away. [ laughter ] star
he's the man of steel! he looks at a pipe, it bends. i wish i had that x-ray vision. i'd be in victoria's secrets every day, just browsing. [ laughter ] let me sum it up for you this way, all right? jack be nimble, jack be quick. anyone thinks they can kick superman's ass is full of -- it. oh! [ applause ] but i'll tell you, don't worry about the applause. don't need 'em. dice don't need applause. [ light laughter ] let me explain the thing about batman. see, it's all ego. rich guy, right? i know about ego. i got an ego. everybody's got an idol. mine happens to be me. [ laughter ] i get up three, four hours early to spend more time with myself. you kidding? i got a mirror above my bed, so
wake up in the morning. and it only covers, like, half the bed, because i don't need to see my wife. i just want to see what she's getting to look at all day long. [ light laughter ] it's all ego. and let me tell you something, that's what the world is now. and i get the call. donny t. called me up. donny trump, he goes, "dice" -- because we're on a first-name basis. he says, "dice, what do you think about being vice president for a little while?" i said, "number one, you know, i'm not a morning guy. and you fired me off of 'apprentice', because i couldn't bake a cupcake." [ light laughter ] first episode, donny! but you know what it is? i don't even know why these guys want to run for president anyway. they're all older than us. come on, look at this guy over here. you don't get out of bed like spiderman any more and shoot your web on command. the minute i wake up in the morning -- the minute i wake up and i open my eyes, i'm like, "ah, ah, what's this now?" and my wife's laying there.
i go, "what happened? i'm 58 years old. that's what happened. i get out of a chair, my knee buckles, i bang against the wall. that's what happened. i look down my underwear, it looks like santa's beard. that's what happened." [ laughter ] and she's like, "did you sleep good?" how good could i sleep? you're still here. get up, make me coffee. [ light laughter ] and then -- then you make your way to the bathroom. with the aches, the pains, you look at your body in the mirror like, what happened. why does the back of my ass look like a basset hound's neck? [ laughter ] and then you sit on the toilet and your balls are making iced tea. [ laughter ] that when you go to flush, they're knocking off the walls of the toilet. paper gets wrapped around it. it sucks getting older. you know what my wife got me for my birthday? th
so, i'm out with a couple friends. i'm a little embarrassed. my friend goes, "what's the button?" i go, "you know, it starts the car." so he hits the button, right? he hits the button. five minutes later, here come the police. here come secret service, fire engines, paramedics. my friend says to me, "what's going on?" i go, "what's going on? what's going on? i'm probably going to be vice president." oh! [ laughter ] you've been a great crowd. god bless. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! andrew "dice" clay! [ cheers and applause ] his comedy series, "dice", premieres this sunday on showtime. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
andrew dice clay. give it up! [ cheers and applause ] this sunday on showtime. also give it up for the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned with "late night with seth meyers" on next. thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- matthew perry and thomas lennon. from the "the boss" and "snl" actress and comedian cecily strong. host of "meet the press" tv/journalist chuck todd. featuring the 8g band with brann dailor. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, th meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is late night. how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. in that case, let's get to the news. at a campaign event in wisconsin yesterday a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at donald trump, but missed. and i can't quite explain it, but somehow it hit jeb. [ laughter ] oh, man.