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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  July 5, 2017 11:34pm-12:37am EDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- chris rock, andy cohen,
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and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 666. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness! hey! welcome! welcome! [ cheers and applause ] you know it's going to be a hot show. i feel it. i feel the love! i give it right back to you. thank you very much. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome, to the "tonight show." this is it, baby! [ cheers and applause ]
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this is the show to be at tonight. hot show tonight. here's what people are talking about. this is pretty big. i saw that today president trump had a phone call with vladimir putin. yeah. actually, they're just continuing the phone call they were just having last night, since neither of them would hang up first. [ laughter and applause ] [ as putin and trump ] "you hang up." "no, you hang up." "no, you hang up." "no, you hang up." [ laughter ] that's right, putin talking to trump. even obama was like, "now, this call i'm going to wiretap. [ laughter and applause ] put the popcorn on." [ applause ] that's not the only world leader trump wants to talk to. yesterday he said -- he said this -- that he would be honored to meet with kim jong-un. [ audience groans ] [ light laughter ] he would be honored. when asked why, trump said, "because i've heard her music and she sounds beautiful." [ laughter ] you've got the wrong -- no, the wrong -- [ applause ] trump also took some heat this week when he said he didn't know what caused the c w
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[ light laughter ] to prove that he does have a a good understanding of history, trump just released his own textbook. yeah, and take a look at some of the definitions he wrote. for example, for the ottoman empire, he wrote, "fantastic store. it's where i buy all of my foot stools." >> steve: wow! [ applause ] that's not -- ♪ 800-588 [ laughter ] >> jimmy: next for plymouth rock, he put, "this is where simba was held up after he was born." that's not true. [ laughter ] ♪ nants ingonyama that's not true. >> steve: that's not -- that's pride rock. >> jimmy: it's not that either. [ laughter ] next for the gunfight at the o.k. corral, he put, "fake news. it was a tremendous corral. [ laughter and applause ] better than okay. that's fake news. fake media." next up for the bubonic plague, he wrote, "a world without boobs? can you imagine that? that would be the worst thing." [ laughter and applause ]
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the alamo, he put, "makes sense, i hate paying my ex-wife's alamo." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] he shouldn't release that. >> steve: no. >> jimmy: this kind of surprised me, but white house press secretary sean spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and he's humbled to have it. [ laughter ] then spicer blinked his eyes in morse code to spell out, "help me." [ laughter and applause ] "i'm so happy to be here!" [ laughter ] hey, i saw that this year's tony nominees were announced, and -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah. exciting. this year's tony nominees were announced, and "groundhog day" was nominated for best musical. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. this year's tony nominees were announced, and "groundhog day" was nominated for best musical. [ audience groans ] [ laughter and applause ] hey, if you're excited about the tonys, you must be pumped about the nba playoffs. [ laughter ]
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last night the cavs were playing the raptors, and after a play, lebron james went into the crowd and almost drank a a fan's beer. [ laughter ] check this out, it's real. >> despite the foul, would have gotten the call and one. >> continues to hit the free throw six for seven. oh, lebron tempted to take a a sip. >> jimmy: he was going to drink it until he saw how much the arena charges for beer. [ laughter ] "what, $9.50 for a plastic -- a a fake plastic bottle of beer?" some health news here. a new study finds that high salt diets actually make people less thirsty over time. [ audience oohs ] the way it works is, you die. [ laughter and applause ] another study finds that american toddlers are more likely to eat french fries than green vegetables. the study is published in a a collecti
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[ laughter and applause ] really? oh, so they liked, uh -- [ light laughter ] spent four years on it. absolutely. kids like chocolate better than they like vegetables. >> steve: who'd think? >> jimmy: they like chocolates better than they like vegetables. [ laughter ] >> steve: do they like broccoli? >> jimmy: they don't like broccoli as much as chocolate. >> steve: i set two pieces of broccoli next to four chocolate bars. [ laughter ] the children almost every time ate the chocolate bars. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i got to catch my train. i'll talk to you later. >> steve: one minute! can i borrow a dollar? >> jimmy: yes, just take my metrocard. [ laughter ] finally, new research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. unfortunately the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. [ laughter and applause ] "well, well, well, look who we have here." we have a great show. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] woo! >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight. this guy is one of the all-time greatest. oh, he's doing his first stand-up tour in nine years called the total blackout tour. the one, the only, chris rock is here tonight! >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] woah! funny dude. >> jimmy: unbelievable. he's not coming out here now. no, sorry. [ laughter ] people stood up, they thought chris was -- no, he will come out here, yeah. >> steve: yeah, we've got some stuff to do. >> jimmy: not here -- yeah, what a great crowd. wow, they love him. [ cheers and applause ] quick story. i don't even know if we even have time for this. and this whole thing will probably be edited out. but years ago, i'd say '98, i got to see -- chris rock did the best stand-up show i've ever seen in my lifetime.
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and i got to go with a friend that knew chris. and i saw him at the universal amphitheater. and man, oh man, it was the greatest show. i was sore from laughing. it was like i did crunches for like two hours. [ laughter ] it was the funniest thing ever. i've never seen this happen. he got four or five standing ovations during his set. which never happens. it's insane. you hope to have one standing ovation on the way out. [ laughter ] he just crushed it. he was so good. i got to meet him backstage. i was nervous to meet him, you know, 'cause he's -- it was just fantastic. and then he took me and my friend and a couple of his buddies -- i think garry shandling was with us -- to kate mantilini's, which i don't even know if it's open anymore. and he treated us to dinner. i could never afford kate mantilini's. at the time i was living off ramen noodle soup. [ laughter ] and i was like, "sure. i'll get the --" i think i ordered the ramen. [ laughter ] and he goes, "i'll treat." i just will never forget that, 'cause i was just a young comedian. and he was being a cool guy. i just love him. and anytime he comes out with anything -- gu,
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town, go see chris rock live. [ cheers and applause ] you will talk about it like i'm talking about it years later. he's that good. [ applause ] plus, he's one of the busiest guys in tv, our pal, andy cohen is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: he's rebooting "love connection." >> steve: what!? >> jimmy: i cannot wait for that. i'm very excited. and then, we've got great music. phoenix is here tonight, guys! [ cheers and applause ] "ti amo!" hey guys, it is time to take a a look at the stories making headlines today, and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for "pros and cons." here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight we'll be taking a look at the pros and cons of donald trump returning to new york city. [ audience groans ] can tell the crowd's excited. he'll be back in town this thursday. it's his first trip back to the city since becoming president. so now let's take a look at the pros and cons of donald trump returning to new york city. here we go.
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pro, trump can visit his favorite places in new york. con -- [ as trump ] "wall" street and "chinatown." [ laughter ] chinatown. [ laughter ] pro, trump buying a shirt that says "i heart new york." con, mike pence buying a shirt that says, "i heart my wife and like new york as a friend." [ laughter and applause ] that's a catchy slogan. that's catchy. >> steve: fits on the back. >> jimmy: pro, seeing donald trump climb aboard the u.s.s. intrepid. con, then seeing new yorkers untie the rope and push it towards new jersey. [ laughter and applause ] "he's your problem now! au revoir!" >> steve: say hi to chris christie! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pro, going to koreatown. con, starting a war with north koreatown. [ laughter and applause ] that's a tricky situation. >> steve: i'd be honored.
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nypd over $300,000 in extra security forces to control crowds. con, or they could do it for free with two united airline workers. i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] "get over here! come here!" pro, he'll be here for cinco de mayo. con, betsy devos thinks that's spanish for, "sink full of mayonnaise." well, that's -- [ laughter and applause ] not quite, not quite. >> steve: almost. [ laughter ] it's hellmann's. >> jimmy: pro, trump giving his wife melania a long, heartfelt goodbye as he leaves for his big trip to the city, telling her he'll miss her and vowing to return as soon as he possibly can. con, melania replying, "k thanks, bye!" [ laughter and applause ] "i know, i know, i know. i know. we're good." [ laughter ] au revoir! >> steve: say hi to chris christie! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't have to speak
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take your time. >> steve: don't yell. >> jimmy: and finally, pro, new york is hosting president trump. con, in other words, the big apple is hosting the big orange. [ laughter and applause ] there you go, that's the "pros and cons"! [ cheers and applause ] we'll be pack with chris rock! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening is a brilliant comedian in the middle of his "total blackout" stand-up tour all over north america. it is his first tour in nine years. go check him out. or see him right now. please welcome chris rock! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: my goodness! >> whoa! >> jimmy: my goodness. >> whoa! >> jimmy: that's what happens when chris rock comes out. there you go. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: new york city -- >> wow! >> jimmy: new york city loves chris rock. >> they stood up. you would have thought i had a a stroke last year or something. i thought he had a stroke. doesn't he look good? he just had a stroke. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: chris rock is here. >> what the hell was you playing? >> questlove: naw man. you always complain about your song. >> no, no. normally it's a song with rock in the title. so it's king of rock, or rocking it. >> questlove: i was ran out of rock songs. it was "blackout" by redman and method man. >> oh, okay. too much, man. >> jimmy: too deep. that was some deep stuff. >> there's white people here! [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: that's a damn redman song. >> you got to entertain the white people. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: redman. yeah, i love redman. >> i guess you don't want to be here that long. [ laughter ] you know? you know, there's nine commodores that need a job. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nine commodores. >> i'm just saying. >> jimmy: nine commodores. >> there's nine commodores. like, what are we going to do? and they'll play a bruno mars song in a minute. [ laughter ] it ain't too hip for them. play the hits. >> jimmy: you and quest -- you and quest know each other but you -- >> yeah, we go way back. >> jimmy: were you at the -- were you at the white house final party at the white house? >> yes. i was at the white -- everybody was there. it was like -- it was -- whoa, the last party at the white house -- 'cause have you been to the white house? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's amg.
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you walk in, and you see these humongous portraits of the presidents, everywhere you go, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> so i'm there, and it's me, and then amir is there, and jay-z, beyonce, oprah. it was like i died and went to black heaven, right? [ laughter ] so we're all in -- >> jimmy: d.c. >> yeah, it was unbelievable -- it was a few white people there, too. you know? couple -- you know, kid rock or somebody. anyway -- somebody, katy couric. and -- [ laughter ] there was a couple. there was a couple. you know, there's a lot more now, i'll tell you that. and -- [ laughter ] so there's a lot more now. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they had entertain -- you know, you were sitting around, you're meeting people, and you mingle. first you mingle. and at one point i'm -- it's me and michelle obama, just talking.
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alone with michelle obama. [ light laughter ] that's not really my lane. i don't know how to talk politics. and you know, michelle obama is like, i don't know what we're going to do, the country, and we're talking about elections and stuff. i don't know -- i don't know what's going to happen. this is such a crazy time. and i go, you'll be all right. [ laughter ] i literally said that -- i said that to michelle -- i said you'll be all right. >> jimmy: to the first lady. >> and then i said, you know, you get any kind of job you want, i mean -- "the view," "the housewives of atlanta." and she goes -- and michelle obama looks at me and was like, i was talking about the country. [ laughter ] i wasn't talking about me. >> jimmy: "the house wives of atlanta." >> i was talking about the country. and i never felt so stupid in my life. it's like my ged flared up, you know? [ laughter ] and she gives meoo
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house? [ laughter ] and -- she didn't say that. but that's what the look was like. and then she goes, oprah, i've got to talk to you. and she runs -- she runs away from me. and then i'm feeling dumb. i'm like, okay, i got to find some people that's dumb as me. like -- i've got to find -- i've got to find my intelligence. i'm like, okay where the athletes at, right? [ laughter ] where are the athletes. then i see charles barkley, i'm like ahh! my [ bleep ] what's up? right? [ laughter and applause ] so i see charles barkley. we talked for a minute, right? and then, they -- they ring a a bell and you've got to go watch the entertainment, right? so it was me, charles barkley and jay-z going in this room and watch the entertainment. first, it was --it was herbie hancock. he was amazing. like -- ♪ bom bom bom bom bom bom bom ♪ then stevie wonder like kind of snatches the mic
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herbie hancock, right? and starts playing his stuff like -- and put some extra blind in it. you know what i mean? [ laughter ] put some like -- put some -- [ laughter ] you know what i mean? so stevie -- you know, stevie -- stevie's been in the white house more than most presidents. so when he act like he don't know where he's going, he's lying, right? [ laughter ] he's been there for like nine presidents, all right? so stevie's playing, and me and jay-z get sad because we realize we're never going to play the white house, you know? i mean, like he's never going to be, like, [ bleep ], what's my mother [ bleep ]? that's never going to happen. you know? >> jimmy: i don't see that. >> that's not going to happen. not with one -- we're only on the first black president. >> jimmy: that's right. >> you know black president 12
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but not -- [ laughter ] not. >> jimmy: but not now. not now. not going to happen. >> not while we're in the single digits of black presidents, right? then, the party started. and quest starts playing music. and it's amazing. and we're dancing. a bunch of black people dancing our asses off. just amazing. in this place -- in a place that slaves made, okay? in a house that slaves -- black people enjoying the white house, man. just amazing. sasha, malia, and obama saying good-bye to people and everything. and as i'm walking out the white house, i look up on the wall, and i see a picture of george washington with a bloody tear coming out of his eye. [ laughter ] and that was pretty much -- >> jimmy: that's pretty much the party at the white house. >> that's pretty much it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: chris rock, go see him on tour! oh, my gosh.
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z2e2gz z1a2z y2e2gy y1a2y ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back! welcome back, everybody! >> yeah! >> jimmy: i'm here with chris rock. [ cheers app
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>> "total blackout." >> jimmy: "total blackout tour." now, look, it's no secret that i love music. and chris, i know you're a big music guy. >> i'm a big music guy. >> jimmy: but let's face it. there's a lot of bad music out there. >> there's some horrible music out there, jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: so, as a service to you guys, chris and i are about to play some real songs. these are real songs. >> actual. >> jimmy: from real bands that we think you should avoid in our latest edition of our "do not play list." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ do not play do not play do not play these songs these songs ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, good. now, before we start, i want you all to know every artist and song that we're about to play for you is 100% real. they are actual bands, actual songs. you can download them on i-tunes or amazon. see if your local music store has them. they are real. [ light laughter ] all right, let's see what's on our "do not play list." >> let's hear it. let's hear it. >> jimmy: the first song is from an artist called "kill the noise." you don't have to explain the album cover. i get it. [ laughter ] >> what the hell? >> jimmy: i don't know. >> it's a dolphin sipping sizz-urp.
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that sizz-urp? >> that's syrup. >> jimmy: is that sizz-urp? >> i know syrup when i see syrup. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this first song -- >> i had some syrup before i came out here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a -- here's the -- let's take a listen to the track called -- it's called, "dolphin on wheels." ♪ i didn't like dolphins ♪ ♪ dolphins ♪ [ dolphin squeaking ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just kill the -- kill the noise. it's a dolphin. >> wow. >> jimmy: dolphin sound effect. dolphin on wheels. >> that sounds like dolphin on crack. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: our next song is good. >> oh. >> jimmy: this is a reggae artist. it's called "guinney pepper." [ light laughter ] and the name of the album is "herb, music, and food." let's take a listen to a track called "lick the chalice." [ laughter ] ♪ the herbs the herbs the herb♪
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♪ ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's good. that's good. okay, that's it. [ cheers ] dude, have you ever heard -- dude, have you ever heard anything like that in your lifetime? >> wow, what part of jamaica is he from? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: the underwater part. ♪ maybe he's trying to talk to the dolphins. ♪ ♪ [ dolphin squeaking ] [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: anyway, that's good. that's, that's my man. >> man, he's bad. >> jimmy: i've never seen that move before. >> jimmy. ♪ >> jimmy: oh, the next singer is from the '80s. [ light laughter ] from the '80's, this is gloria balsam. >> oh, gloria. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i haven't heard from her in a while. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: man, you never heard of her. >> everybody knows gloria balsam. [ light laughter ]
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>> who the hell didn't have a a poster of gloria balsam up when they was a kid. >> jimmy: the album is called "fluffy." [ light laughter ] and between that, that's gloria there holding the invisible leash. [ light laughter ] it looks a little sad, but maybe her music is happy. let's take a listen to "fluffy." >> this is a love song about my first love. ♪ >> jimmy: a little red. ♪ ♪ ♪ here fluffy [ laughter ] ♪ where are you where are you ♪ >> jimmy: wow. all right, we're good. that's it. wow. [ laughter and applause ] >> yo. >> jimmy: you don't hear that note. you don't hear that note enough. >> wow. >> jimmy: you don't hear that one enough. >> you don't need to waterboard nobody. [ laughter ] just play that. whoo!
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>> jimmy: wow, that was an interesting one. this is a canadian singer named sidney castel. [ laughter ] the album's called -- >> "live at the beaver log?" >> jimmy: yup. >> also known as jamie foxx's house. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i didn't know that. let's listen to "the pukatawagan song." pukatawagon. ♪ ♪ pukatawagon [ laughter ] ♪ pukatawagon that's where i come from pukatawagon pukatawagon ♪ >> jimmy: that's good. ♪ that's where i was >> wow. >> jimmy: wow, that's interesting. here's my complaint about that. i don't believe that was live. [ laughter and applause ]
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i don't think they were in the beaver lodge unless there was no one there that night. >> wow. >> jimmy: that sounded like a a clean recording. there you go. that's -- >> wow. >> jimmy: yeah, the that's good stuff, man. oh, this last one, we're down to our last song. this is from tim wilson. you know tim wilson? >> oh, everybody knows tim wilson. >> jimmy: ever have a poster of him? >> tim wilson, you know his brother, bobby? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: here's tim wilson, right there. >> tim wilson. >> jimmy: yeah, "mr. wilson explains america." [ light laughter ] >> is this a comedy album? >> jimmy: no, it's not. this is a serious -- >> "explains america?" >> jimmy: take a listen to "the booty song." ♪ ♪ look at the booty show me the booty give me the booty i want the booty ♪ ♪ back up the booty i need the booty i like the booty oh what a booty ♪ ♪ shaking that booty i saw the booty i want the booty lord what a booty ♪ ♪ bring on the booty give up the booty loving the booty ♪ >> not bad. ♪ right on the booty round booty down for the booty i want the booty ♪ ♪ hunting the booty chasing the booty ♪ >> that's a hit! ♪ casing the booty getting the booty ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ beautiful booty smoking booty talk to the booty ♪
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that's a hit. "total blackout standup tour" coming to a city near you! that's all the time we have for "do not play." if you have an album or song you think we would want to see it, send a suggestion to our blog at donotplay@tonightshow.com. stick around. we'll be right back with andy cohen, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ at red lobster's lobster & shrimp summerfest, lobster and shrimp are teaming up in so many new dishes.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. you guys having a good time? oh, my goodness. that was fun. let's keep it going. our next guest is an emmy award-winning producer and "new york times" best selling author, his latest series, "andy cohen then and now" returns tomorrow night at 10:00 pm on bravo and his brand-new show "love connection" premieres may 25th at 9:00 p.m. on fox. ladies and gentlemen, give it up for andy cohen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ >> jimmy: andy cohen! >> wow! hey! >> jimmy: and a standing o. >> it's a double standing o. does that ever happen? >> jimmy: that's never happened, it's a double standing o night on the "tonight show." >> what did you give these guys? >> jimmy: they just love you, man. >> i never gotten a standing ovation in my life. >> jimmy: there you go. that's what happens. >> there's love. >> jimmy: for a fast segway, that was a "love connection." >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i am so excited about this. >> james, you're a fan of the format, aren't you? >> jimmy: i freaked out when i saw the headline that you were going to revamp "love connection," you were going to host "love connection." i can't think of a better casting for that. i can't think of a better human to do that. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i am geeking out. may 25th? >> yeah. i'm so psyched. >> jimmy: we're going to party. i am geeking out. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and you got --
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here's why i'm geeking out. slice, what's his name? >> mike fleiss, who produces "the bachelor" and mike darnell from "american idol," two super powers of reality television coming together for "love connection." i'm the guy who loves asking awkward questions of people, you know? and so it's so perfect. we set up two sexy singles, on a three days each. and there's a lot of dating and a lot of awkwardness. we have them score each other based on their first impressions of each other's looks at the beginning of the dates. and then i reveal the scores to them. it's so cringy. but i love it. >> jimmy: i live for that. i love it. >> let me tell you something, ladies will score a gentleman poorly if they're short. it's terrible. >> jimmy: really? >> i was trying to think of a a better phrase for short. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: it's based on height? >> no, you know, they really want a tall man. they like tall dudes. >> jimmy: what's the other thing?
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guys if they're going on dates? >> don't be late. deal with your breath. get to know the lady. don't just talk about yourself. >> jimmy: do people vote on like little ipads? >> people vote on the -- yeah, people vote for their choice of who should be love connection. >> jimmy: everybody is like no -- >> there's a $10,000 twist at the end of the episode. >> jimmy: what? >> it's crazy. >> jimmy: wait a second! really? >> yeah, yeah, no, it's crazy. >> jimmy: i'm geeking out about that. >> it's awesome. >> jimmy: i cannot wait for that. >> i love it. >> jimmy: and you get it -- do you -- >> we're in this big like, love chamber. like a big love spaceship. it's crazy. >> jimmy: a love spaceship. it's a love spaceship. no spoilers, but are there any connections? >> maj connections! >> jimmy: really? >> maj! yes! >> jimmy: there are connections. >> yes, yes. we don't let fate decide. we let a date decide. >> jimmy: yes! that's what i'm talking about! [ cheers and applause ] i'm freaking out about this. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: you're the perfect person to do this. >> appreciate it. >>my
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>> tomorrow night on bravo. >> jimmy: tomorrow night and i love the shows on bravo. 10:00 p.m.? >> it's on at 10:00, right after "the new york housewives." and basically we take a year every episode and we look at how the events of that year shaped what's going on today. i love looking back. i like -- i got to talk to mary jo buttafuoco, and -- you remember her? >> jimmy: of course. >> amy fisher, amy fisher. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i think it would be fun if we did a then and now of just pictures that i have of you. >> great. >> jimmy: and just -- >> i'm scared. >> jimmy: this is your bar mitzvah. >> so bad. you know what, nothing says awkward teenage years more than these transition lenses, reading the torah. what is not awkward about that photo? >> jimmy: why the transition lenses? >> thank you to evelyn cohen who forced me into those. and they hadn't crafted them correctly. it is not sunny in the synagogue. >> jimmy: clearly it was a a little bright-- it was a a little bright. >> yeah, i guess so. >> jimmy: 'cause if it was dark it would just be clear.
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>> jimmy: yeah. all right. how about this one here? this one i just -- >> oh, my god, this is so bad. i'm -- okay. i'm sitting on jim morrison's grave. i'm 20-years-old. i am attempting to smoke. i'm wearing essentially hammer pants, which i wore because i do remember that my butt used to look very good in this particular pair of very baggy pants. and a polo shirt. you can almost see jim morrison jumping out of the grave. you are a loser. get off my grave. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you're ruining my cool. >> yes. >> jimmy: you're ruining the cool. and then this one here -- >> this is crazy. okay. i'm in my 30s at a special episode of trl screaming behind carson daly. >> jimmy: how cool is that? >> it was a special madonna -- i was an established tv executive at this time. but i'm like, oh, madonna! oh, my god! i'm going crazy. so bad. >> jimmy: we want to show a a clip of "then and now."
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here's andy cohen and willy geist in andy cohen's "then and now." take a look at this. >> you were a big wrestle mania fan. >> i was at the first wrestle mania. i was there. liberace was there. >> excuse me? >> mr. t was there. >> hold on, back up. liberace was there? >> liberace was -- >> what she was doing there? >> liberace was an honorary referee. they were trying to bring star power. >> that's a show. >> big. it was big. the guy sitting next to my mom, his jeans came up and there was a knife in his boot. and my mom said, what's the knife for? and he said, knife's for if anybody who messes with the hulkster. he was there to defend hulk hogan at wrestle mania with his knife. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "then and now." "then and now." tomorrow night, wednesday night, 10:00 p.m. >> yes. >> jimmy: you know i'm a big fan of the show. "watch what happens live." i watch you all the time. >> thanks, jimmy.
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you gave up our shotsky. you gave me the muff of truth. >> jimmy: the muff of truth. have you ever used that or not yet? >> haven't again. i will though. >> jimmy: we like giving you -- i like thinking of new ideas just that you could do on your show because it's so different. you never know what's going to happen on your show. and that's why you have to watch what happens live. so i wanted to up the shotsky game. >> okay. >> jimmy: but i didn't want to change the shots, because that's fun. but i was thinking, that's a a cool shot. invent a shot. >> okay. >> jimmy: and this will be your shot. you own this shot. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay? >> what is it? >> jimmy: well, i want to do something kind of fun and magical. so i thought something to do with a unicorn. and so i invented a new jell-o shot that's layered with beautiful colors and it's called the sloppy unicorn. it's the best way to end any night. ladies and gentlemen, the sloppy unicorn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> that's the unicorn? >> jimmy: that's the sloppy unicorn. >> oh my gosh. it's so sloppy. >> jimmy: it's a mess. it's a mess. it's a mess. you okay, unic
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>> jimmy: hold on a second. he's sloppy. yeah, you get the unicorn. the end of the night. thank you unicorn. >> oh, he's drunk? >> jimmy: no, i don't know what's happening to him. he's alright. he's going to be fine. >> oh. >> jimmy: so here, cheers. >> you've got it so great. >> jimmy: we've got got like 30 of these for you for all week if wanted. and you can have the costume but not the person inside it. >> what kind of alcohol is in it? >> jimmy: it's vodka it's a a jell-o shot, ready? [ cheers and applause ] not bad. >> it's so sugary. >> jimmy: andy cohen, "andy cohen's then and now" aires tomorrow night at 10:00 pm on bravo! we'll be right back with a a performance from phoenix! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you might not ever just stand there, looking at it.
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ack seat. yeah, but maybe you should. ♪ (laughter) ♪ it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing) or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) new left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside.
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mmm! we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. we want hd. and every box and dvr. all included. because we don't like surprises. yeah. like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. and talented. really. and british. switch from cable to directv. get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for $25 a month. ♪ [crunch] ♪ yeah! ♪
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[slap] [punch] [crunch] i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. they are a grammy-winning band whose new album, "ti amo," is out june 9th. performing "j-boy," please welcome phoenix! [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ ♪ ♪ something in the middle of the side of the store got your attention when you ask for more ♪ ♪ i was excited to be part of your world to belong to be lost to be mostly the two of us ♪ ♪ something i was stealing for no reason at all they hang me higher than a disco ball ♪ ♪ but you talked them into letting me go it's no picasso michelangelo ♪ ♪ something about the jewels you wear shiny shiny bangles on your wrists ♪ ♪ and at the masquerade ball you feel trapped in a vault in an empty aquarium ♪ ♪ if suddenly you're out of the woods
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then inside of an alley you're out of words ♪ ♪ well i thought it was radium at first ♪ ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ is it so bad is it so true ♪ is it still you ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ it's more than that we're chained and there's no one else to blame for us two ♪ ♪ some things they don't matter till they matter to you they stole that money from a homeless girl ♪ ♪ the truth is we're all to blame the lies and moral consequences ♪ ♪ we started at the end of the line to end up giving up to a
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couple who cares ♪ ♪ when you talked me into letting you go no more coral on the atoll ♪ ♪ something about how hard you learned kamikaze in a hopeless world ♪ ♪ do you remember the last time you laughed and i laughed and you left and i left ♪ ♪ send me on the lonely other side of the world with a couple of guys and no alphabet ♪ ♪ put two and two together we'll make it last forever ♪ ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ is it so bad is it so true is it still you ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ it's more than that
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no one else to blame for us two ♪ ♪ ♪ ahh ohh [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ohh ooooh ♪ ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ is it so bad is it so true ♪ is it still you ♪ ♪ just because of you these things i have to go through ♪ ♪ it's more than that we're chained and there's
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for us two ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah! come on! phoenix! [ cheers and applause ] catch them headlining the hollywood bowl june 15th. we'll be right back, everybody! oh, my gosh! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to chris rock! andy cohen! phoenix once again! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania! stay tuned for "late night with seth myers!" thank you for watching, have a a great night! i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- chris evans, from "smurfs: the lost village," actor mandy patinkin, music from michelle branch, featuring the 8g band with johnathan mover. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. that's great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump today met with the president of china at his mar-a-lago resort. and things got off to an awkward start when trump said, "i thought you were really funny in the 'hangover' movies." [ laughter ]

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