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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> cnn's new national poll shows only four point separate the two rivals. some escape from this election! just a moment of peace. i know, i'll relax by finishing my ship in a bottle. let's see, just straighten the mast here and then pull the rigging over the spar... you son of a bitch colbert! you stabbed me! as sure as the sea is wet, i will have my revenge! you will rue the day you tried
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this severe puncture wound. i know, i'll work on my desk in a bottle. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes viggo mortenson. patton oswalt. and comedian maz jobrani. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's up? thanks for being here. hey, jon.
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hey, please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much. oh, how's everybody's friday going so far, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) i suspected as much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. don't forget, daylight saving time-- guys, don't forget this, don't forget this, don't forget this. daylight saving time is this weekend. so it's fall back. that means when it's 2:00 a.m. on sunday morning, turn your clock back to 1:00 a.m. but don't forget to set your alarm to wake up at 2:00, so you can set it back to 1:00 again. and if we all remember to do that, it will never be tuesday. somebody tell barack and michelle they're not leaving. and with just four days-- four days left in the race, there's some strange stuff going on.
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just learned that trump supporters are trying to trick people into thinking they can vote by text. now, i just want to be clear to everybody watching-- you cannot do that for the presidential election but it does explain why hillary clinton just won "america's got talent." her talent by the way? her talent? >> jon: yes, big time. >> stephen: hillary's talent by the way-- blowing huge leads. now, no one is saying the trump campaign is out to stop people from voting, except for the trump campaign. because last week, an unnamed adviser said that the campaign was having three major voter suppression operations under way," targeting liberals, young women, and african americans. wow, they really don't want alicia keys to vote. ( laughter ) of course, people are angry about the election, but they are angry about everything these days.
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it's. time for the annual tradition for everybody to get mad about starbucks' holiday cup. now, starbucks hasn't unveiled their official holiday cup yet, but the new pre-holiday cup is out. here it is. you can get a shot of that jimmy? it's green and has a picture of people drawn with one continuous line, okay, because what says starbucks more than a line that goes on forever just know your order when you walk up! just know your order! it's meant to symbolize unity but people on twitter have written furious responses to this cup, like this one, "starbucks... green cups!? war on christmas. last days." ( laughter ) and perhaps the hottest take of
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we want snowflakes. we want snowflakes that symbolize this team of peace and love where i will gouge out your eyes with a cinnamon chip scone! people are more divided than ever by this unity cup, so i figured we should check in with someone who's an expert on christmas and, like starbucks, is literally everywhere-- god. let's do that now. are you there, lord? ite, >> yes, yes, hey, stephen. how you doing there? i'm here. >> stephen: it's the lord, everybody, say hi! >> hey, everybody, hey, everybody. >> stephen: how you doing, lord? >> well, i'm a little tired from watching the world series the other night. did you like how i made it rain. ( cheers and applause ) yes, good game, good game. >> stephen: what did you say? >> did you like how i made it rain before extra innings?
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feel about the new starbucks cups? are you boycotting? >> oh, good me, no. i need my starbucks. fidon't have my morningula taw, i get all old testament. sodom and gomorrah happened because someone served me decaf. >> stephen: but what about the war on christmas? >> oh, please. people need to lighten up. without some stupid cup, people will just forget my son's birthday? oh, that reminds me. i'm taking him to dinner. got to make reservations. it's the 25th, right? >> i should know that. >> stephen: yes. well, before you go, i'm just curious. since god has many names, what does the barista write on your cup? >> well, as a celebrity, i have a lot of aliases-- god, yahweh, jehovah-- but mostly i use my real name, gary. ( laughter ). >> stephen: your name is gary? >> yeah, gary trendleton. nice to meet you? >> stephen: nice to meet you, too. ladies and gentlemen, gary. ( cheers and applause ) >> bye, everybody.
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we've got a great show for you tonight. viggo mortenson is here, so stick around! we'll be right back. ? ? ? ( applause ) fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. pm.
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band. ladies and gentlemen, listen. if you watch this show, and you watch on a regular basis, you know we like to have a lot of fun on the show tell jokes, ha-ha-ha. but also, we have deep concerns
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massive celebrity to raise awareness by recording a public service announcement. and i recently learned about the plight of one species that deeply troubled me. and so, right now, i'm going to record a p.s.a., and joining me is another famous person who truly cares. hello. we are stewards of the earth. and every living thing is precious. i'm stephen colbert. >> and i'm viggo mortensen. ( cheers and applause ) and we're asking you to please help us-- >> (both): --save the bees. >> stephen: no other single animal species plays a more integral role in our food chain. >> and over the last decade, the global bee population has
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stinging here but more stinging here. ( laughter ) >> so, won't you please do your prart r part and save the bees? >> stephen: thanks so much. thanks so much. thanks, man. thanks for stepping up and doing the right thing. that really felt great. >> it feels really good to give back. >> stephen: it sure does. i know we have to interview in a second, but i was thinking as long as i got you here, you're standing here, maybe we should just record record next year's p.s.a.s, too? >> sure, why don't we just record the next decade or something. >> stephen: that would be great. why don't we record all the p.s.a.s we were going to record for the next five years but do them now. >> you're on. >> stephen: jimmy. >> last year, we asked you to
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colony collapse disorder, and bee populations are on the rebound. and you know what that means? >> more yummy honey in my tummy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's right. but sometimes saving bees isn't enough. >> the bees deserve a better tomorrow. and that's why we're asking you to help-- >> (both): --educate the bees. >> the bees are thriving, and they want to learn. >> stephen: they're so much smarter than we thought and are quite interested in subjects like military history and engineering. ( laughter ) >> so, won't you please do your part and-- >> (both): --educate the bees? ( cheers and applause ) >> we asked you to save the bees. >> stephen: we asked you to teach the bees. >> and you did more than we could ever imagine. >> stephen: now there are too many bees. ( laughter ) >> and they are alarmingly smart. >> stephen: they know too much
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>> so, please, don't bumble this opportunity to stop-- >> (both): --stop helping the bees. ( laughter ) >> as you know, humanity is at war against the bees. >> stephen: the time for talking is over. >> we've lost every battle and we're running out of food. but we still have hope. >> stephen: the bees must have some kind of weakness, even if they seem like tiny indestructible gods. >> which is why we need you to-- >> (both): --join the fight against the bees. >> stephen: head to a recruiting station before nightfall. >> they own the night. >> stephen: but if you act now, you can be the "buzzerbeater." together, we can all-- >> (both): --defeat the bees. he were he were >> stephen: hi, i'm stephen colbert. >> and i'm viggo mortensen. >> stephen: did you know every day more and more dolphins suffer at the hands of our
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>> in order to protect these noble creatures, we must act with porpoise. ( laughter ) >> stephen: won't you please help us to-- >> (both): --save the dolphins? >> dolphins are beautiful, intelligent creatures. >> stephen: and they would make a powerful ally in our war against the bees. >> they can jump out of the water and swat the bees with their tails. >> stephen: and maybe they could use the bees? >> sonar. >> stephen: they have sonar. the bees have begun building submarines. >> stephen: why did we teach them engineering? >> calm the hell down, stephen! >> stephen: i'm sorry, i'm scared. >> i am, too. so, act now to-- >> (both): --save the dolphins in order to recruit them in our war to destroy the bees.
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>> stephen: the war with the bees is finally over. >> but humanity still has big challenges ahead. we must rebuild our cities and reseed the earth. but first, we must build monuments to our merciful bee overlords. >> please join the hive and-- >> (both): --serve the bees. >> they let us live, and deserve our obedience. >> stephen: unlike those treacherous dolphins. they were the ones who tried to lure us into an unjust war against the bees! this guy! get over here! >> it was them! it was them, my queen. we would never disobey you. >> down! >> slave! down! >> stephen: get down there! i'm drone 27534. >> and i'm viggo mortensen, asking you to-- >> (both): --please continue to
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? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. good to have you. one of my favorite actors is my first guest tonight and has appeared in some of my favorite movies of all time. his latest is "cap please welcome viggo mortensen. ? ? ? ( applause ) nice to see you. how you doing? >> very good. thanks for having me. >> stephen: you know, as i said in the introduction, you're one of my favorite actors. you know, not just from some of my favorite movie of all time, but from your performances in a
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your knife fight in "eastern promise "might be the greatest fight scene of all time, okay. ( applause ) >> i'd like to say it was fun. >> stephen: one of the greatest movies ever made. do people still kind of yell, "hey, look, it's aragon." is that how they mostly know you? do they think of you as that? >> i sometimes yell that, i'm aragone. i have gotten out of that. >> stephen: we have your sword. could we have a shot of that, jim? we have your sword. just to make me happy. >> good luck. >> stephen: thanks very much. thanks very much. i don't actually think of you as aragone anymore. >> that's good luck. >> stephen: i'm getting a vibe off of that. i don't think of you just as aragorn, i think of you as thoh,
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descend apts of the brother of alexwon. >> also, secretly the strider of the rangers. >> stephen, yeah. >> impressive. you're up on your token. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i can live with you? ( laughter ). >> sure. >> stephen: maybe. >> we could practice sorld fighting. >> stephen: what is it like to be-- what would it be like to live with viggo mortensen. in this new movie, "captain fantastic," you play an unfengzal dad to lives off the grid with his kid. >> six kid. >> stephen: you you are an unconventional person and you have lived off the grid, right? >> i don't know. i keep to myself a lot. but i don't know that i live off the grid, exactly. what do you mean by that? >> stephen: you seem like you eshoe convention. you go your own way. you go-- is what i'm saying. you go your own way. >> sure. >> stephen: do you have an
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? ? ? >> stephen: you have a flip phone? >> it's ringing. this is a phone. >> stephen: is this someone really calling you? >> hello? vinny? vinny, no. i'm-- i'm in the middle of something. ( laughter ) i'm with my friend stephen. no, you-- all right, all right. you-- vinny wants to say hi. ( laughter ) hey. >> tell him i'll call him later. >> stephen: it is. there's actually a guy on the phone. i thought you were ( bleep ) me. there's actually a guy on phone. hello? yes? hello. >> vinny, not now. >> stephen: no, you can't come over. we don't have any clothes on right now. we're off the dprid right now. >> sword practice. >> stephen: sword practice, he says. exactly. well, listen-- okay, thanks vinny. that's good.
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think. >> that's fine. >> stephen: that's fine. >> a release? i'll release. >> stephen: this is a stone tool. ( laughter ) this is a motorola flip phone from, like, 1997. >> yeah, you don't have to-- you can walk around with it. >> stephen: it's magic, my friend. you have to plug it in. you have to plug it in eventually. >> do you? >> stephen: yes. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. but you can walk around on the street. you don't have to use it just in your house. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's true. it's one of those new cordless >> i recommend it. i recommend it. >> stephen: when you were-- when you were getting ready to play the dad in-- >> and i'll turn it off because i should have done that. i'm sorry. well, vinny, sorry. yeah. >> stephen: yeah, you really should have. >> yeah. >> stephen: that was very rude of you. >> unprofessional. >> stephen: yeah, it is. >> even. i'm sorry. >> stephen: but you're a consummate professional. you throw yourself into your roles with complete abandon. >> i do. >> stephen: like in this one, you play the father of all these
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>> yeah. >> stephen: again, totally off grid, living in-- what are you living in a bus or something? what are you living in. >> a tee tee. >> stephen: do you think this would be a good way to teach children, a good way to raise them? >> honestly it, doesn't matter. you don't have to win out in the woods woodz. but i think the idea, honestly, to be truthful, at all timeses not matter how young the kid is, no matter what the subject, whether it's death, sex, anything, just tell them the the truth, no matter what age they are. and have open discourse and, you know, encourage them to think for themselves and to be able to defend their ideas. i think that's all good. >> stephen: well we have a little clip here of-- ( applause ) we have a clip of-- it's you on the family bus talking to the kids about what you're going to have to do as a family or how you might have to conform, because mom is actually back in
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>> problems. >> stephen: some problems that have to be dealt with in the city so you're reintegrating back into society and this is you telling them how life is. >> yeah. >> stephen: another jim? >> powerful, controlled the lives of the powerless. and that's the way the world works. it's unjust, and it's unfair. but that's just too damn bad. we have to shut up and accept it. ( bleep ) that. ( applause ) that was-- you know, i mean, it's also a road trip. the kids insist on going to see the mom, even though i've been told by my in-laws, who are
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they're very conservative, sort of normal people, not like us, savages. and we've been-- i've been forbidden to come anywhere near their daughter. and the kids insist on going on this road trip, and that's when everything starts to go haywire. >> stephen: how much of that is what you're like? could you give that speech and end it with ( bleep ) that? is that how you live your life? because you know you're not-- >> like to my son, could i say that? >> stephendo not just raising a child, but is that how you feel, like you have to-- do you yourself spread a message of nonconformity? because i know you're not choosing between trump and clinton in this election. >> no, i'm not. i'm voting for jill stein for the same reason i supported bernie sanders, you know, because she's talking in a meaningful way about many things that aren't discussed in the debates. >> stephen: like what? >> they're not really going into
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they're summer not talking about overspending in the military. they're not talking about-- ( applause ) they're not talking about foreign policy. i mean trump and clinton are trying to outdo each other saying, "i'm going to kick ass here. i'm going to kick ass there." she has proven to us she likes to do that and not always the best idea when she does that at times, and she's bellicose. trump, who know what he will do. as far as foreign policy, i would say they trust her about as >> stephen: so to you, there's no difference between the two essentially? it's like curse on both their houses. >> i do honestly think it's one of the-- one of the poorest-- maybe the poorest choice we've had in an election in my lifetime. and it's unfortunate. and i've had a lot of people-- and i understand their point of view, you know, friends and strangers, publicly and private, go after mea&say, "how could you do that?
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you're elitist. you're a patsy for trump." i just don't want to get to the end of my life and look back and say i didn't vote my conscience ever when it didn't matter. and you can make an excuse every year for not voting for a third party. i don't know. i want to vote my conscience and feel right about it. >> stephen: do you live in the united states? >> yes, i do. i won't be for long? is that what you're saying? >> stephen: i have some evidence here that you actually are a spread the spirit of nonconformity, because this is you and all the children in this movie. and this is you on the red carpet at the cannes film festival. it's true? >> yes, it is. >> stephen: can you explain how this came about? ( laughter ). >> i think our middle fingers have been blurred out. >> stephen: they have been blurred out because you're on cbs. >> ah! they're great kids.
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they're so on, beadient. no, we had a really wonderful time at cannes. and we may not be invited to go back. >> stephen: you will live in the tee pea again. >> that's right. >> stephen: thanks for being here. listen on, the off chance jill stein is not elected president on tuesday, will you come back and talk to us again about whoever you're going to vote for the next time? >> you're not running this time. i know you ran -- >> you could write me in if you want to. >> if trump wins, would you consider be secretary of state? i mean -- >> if trump wherever you're going. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "captain fantastic" is now out on dvd and on demand. we'll be right back with patton oswalt. stick around. simulation initiated.
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? ? ? ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody. thank you, jon. welcome back, folks. my next guest tonight is a very funny guy who recently won an emmy award for his standup special, "talking for clapping." he performed last night at the new york comedy festival. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome patton oswalt! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> oh, hi. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: how are you doing? >> aaahh... i'm okay. you know, it's-- it's it's weird. doing-- like, me sitting here now talking to you, this part very easy.
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and not leaving for days, super easy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: there might be a few people out there, just to explain, who-- that, sadly, six months ago you lost your wife michelle. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: for the people who don't know that, now you are-- you've been very public about it, about your grief, in ways that i think has been very appreciated by people who have experienced grief because there are a lot of times people don't talk about it, and they don't want to hear it sometimes because they feel almost like it's contagious. it's sori contemplate, but you sharing with other people i think has been a beautiful gift for someone to give to know that other people are not alone. so thank you for that. >> i mean, it's a-- ( applause ) thank you. i think-- i think it's a way for me to-- when you said, "it feels contagious. it feels like you've summoned this virus and you've become
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desummon it, the more you talk openly about what it is and put more light on to it, people can see all the angles and say, "oh, okay, that is horrible, but there's life on either side of it, and it's somehow manageable." i've heard from people that have gone through unbelievable-- like loss that i can't even wrap my head around in the depths of my loss. but you can-- and there are these really long messages that i'll get. the message is them beginning to talk about it and write about it, and then it just comes pouring out. and it's-- there's just-- if you don't talk about it, then grief really gets to set up and fortify its positions inside of you and begin to immobilize you. but the more you talk, the more you expose it to the air and to the light then, you know, grief doesn't get a chance to organize itself, and then you can maybe move on a little better and a
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these six months. >> stephen: well, how is-- you know, have been away from performing and now you're coming back to performing. >> yeah. >> stephen: how has that been? i must imagine when you first considered coming to do comedy, that's must have been a weird feeling to do. >> it was really-- it was really weird, the process of getting to do the show. again, once i get on stage and start talking, it weirdly becomes okay because the stage was always a safe place for me. it was used to. but it's the getting in the car and driving and thinking about people are coming into a room, and i've been through this loss, and i'm going to talk-- how dare i talk about this thing. but then in a really weird way, it takes you out of your own head and your own ego to go, well, wait a minute. everyone in that room, each individual person, you're all meeting at this moment of-- you don't know what they've been through that day or in their lives or what they have going on. so if you all meet together at
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denying whatever is bad for just an hour, up in the light of telling jokes and being ridiculous, there's something-- it's weird how both me and the audiences that i've been performing for, we all just kind of rise to the occasion. it's a-- it's a way to make the darkness feel uncomfortable with itself for a little bit. you know? ( applause ) >> stephen: i do know. i do know. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. grief cannot be fixed. it >> no. >> stephen: unless you allow yourself to experience it, it will stay. >> and it can't be remedied. it must be endured. and it's the endurance, weirdly enough, that becomes the remedy. does that make a little -- >> i do. >> like a -- >> no, it's the acknowledgment of it. it's like a demon that must be named and then it can go. >> yeah, if you can name it, you can manage it. you can mock it, you can manage
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manage it. it robs it of its power. >> stephen: the devil cannot ignore mockery. >> oh, yeah. not too crazy about-- if you're being entertained or laughing at what is supposed to be terrifying you, it just takes all of its strength away. >> stephen: you can't laugh and be afraid at the same time is what i like to say. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: you're not doing this alone. >> unless you're on bath salt s. >> stephen: that is true. >> then you can do both. >> stephen: then your laughter is actually terrifying. >> yes. whoa! should i take bath salts? sorry. >> stephen: or take a bath. one of those two. >> that will be good. >> stephen: you and your wife michelle have a daughter, alice, who you are raising. >> yes. >> stephen: anda what is that experience like for you? is she helping you? >> oh, she's-- my daughter is helping me immeasurably with this, with the way that we-- when you see someone who in your mind, "oh, she's only seven. i'm the-- i'm the 47-year-old here. i'm the wise one."
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when they're younger they have so much more resilience than you do because-- because they've experienced less of the world, and because they're kind of creating the world as they go along, that grief-- let's like grief has been introduced to them in a world that they haven't yet completed. so it's way easier for them to go, "i'm just going to place grief over here because i have all this other cool stuff that i'm still constructing and reforming." to get to see that is a out of your own head. kind of reverse your valences and put grief where you want it to be, not where it wants you to be. and my seven-year-old is showing me how to do that it's pretty incredible. >> stephen: yeah that's a great gift. that's a great gift. >> it is. >> stephen: how do you explain to her who donald trump is? ( laughter ) >> i show her the cantina scene in "star wars."
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creature they had to kick out, and that's-- for being too belligerent and too, you know-- he was being-- ( applause ) he was saying-- he was saying-- he was saying racist stuff about gun darks, and they're saying 'we're just trying to have a drink here. please." weirdly, and this is going to sound a little cheesy, you know what's been helping raise my daughter is having hillary to point at on tv, and go, look, there's this person and-- because i know that you're getting-- i can tell her, i know you're getting hit with stuff, you know, feelings and stuff in your head be, but she's-- not only has she been getting hit with this stuff since he was a teenager, a teenager, she's had people coming after her. but it's all televised and recorded and now, she has to-- she has to prove herself to this
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it's that he is-- he is the argument against himself. but she has to somehow beat him. ( applause ) you know what i'm saying? what's weird is, people that support trump, some of the things they like about trump kind of make sense. but then he negates it. like the thing that they-- like they'll go, "you know what's great about trump? he's anti-p.c., and he just says-- and nothing gets to him." and you've got to go, "stop, i understand that that could be a good thing. he is the most p.c. human being on the planet except it's not political correctness. p.c. for him stands for personal comfort. it's all his feelings. if you piss off somebody on the internet or twitter, they'll start a hashtag against you or write an angry essay. he will go, "i will see you in court for saying that thing about my hair! i want money!" his brain, it's-- his brain is--
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barely alive. and then there's this giant dark tower, and in neon are the words, "my feelings," and if those words light up, everything in the desert dies, and we have to start over again. that is how his brain works. ( cheers and applause ) literally how his brain work s. >> stephen: four days, four days. >> god, please. >> stephen: patton thank you so much for being here. thank you for sharing your story with us. people need to hear it. patton oswalt will be performing in minnesota on november 11, and in north carolina on december 3. patton oswalt, everybody! we'll be right back with maz jobrani. ? ? ?
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i've been thinking... this might be the one thing in the world you pull apart to come together. new papa john's cinnamon pull-aparts i alone can fix it! bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i'd like to punch him in the face. i like people that weren't captured, okay? he's a mexican! she ate like a pig... i moved on her like a [bleep] i did not say that... i love war. yes, including with nukes. blood coming out of her... they're rapists... wrong. there has to be some form of punishment. such a nasty woman. i wanna be unpredictable. ...on 5th avenue and shoot somebody...
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remember! ? ? ? ? ? ?
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under state attorney mark ober's watch, rape and sexual assault are on the rise. ober is not just ineffective, he declined to prosecute a man who forced a girl into sexual slavery, even bthe ctim. ober: she was with him voluntarily.
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will reallocate resources to target violent crime, ? ? ? ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. oh, folks, my guest guest has performed at the white house and the kennedy center and now he's here to perform for us.
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maz jobrani. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, thank you. i'm excited to be here. i'm a big fan of the show. this is fantastic. a lot of crazy things going on in the world right now. the elections are almost over. a lot of crazy-- ( applause ) yes, yes. a lot of craziness, islama phobia is on the rise. i'm originally from the middle east myself. i was born in iran. and i gotta tell you, it's a hard time to be middle eastern it's a hard time to be middle eastern these days. and by "these days" i mean the past 500 years. ( laughter ) yeah, that's the last year we had a good year, yeah. remember that? 1516, we were in the super bowl. but we didn't win. we didn't win. yeah. it's crazy because they've been kicking middle eastern people off of airplanes left and right for doing nothing. did you guys hear about this guy? there was a middle eastern guy on an airplane, he was watching something on his phone, there was gun violence on the phone. the passenger sitting next to
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middle eastern guy, got him kicked off the plane. you have heard of this. it was spirit airlines. have you heard of spirit airlines. if you have heard of spirit airlines, work harder so you no longer have to hear about spirit airlines. this poor guy was watching on the phone, there was gun violence. they investigated. it turns out it was a middle eastern guy watching the news. that's why he got kicked-- no one is thinking anything. what did the lady sitting next to the guy think last-minute instructional ideas. i'm going to go like this, then i go like that. hold on, don't fly. i'm still studying. go like this, go like that. skews me, i can borrow your phone. i'm starting to hijack the plane, i cannot see how-- it's craziness. it's a fear of immigrants, right. there's a lot of fear of immigrant. if you watch fox news, you, too, will be afraid of immigrant. i watched a half hour of fox news and i was afraid of immigrant. you watch fox news and you'll
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muslims will kill us, and i'm going to get eaten by a shark. i'm going to get eaten my a mexican muslum shark with the zika virus named barack hussein obama. a lot of it is fear of immigrant. first of all, if you like trump or not, when he first started running, everybody thought it was a joke. everybody was like ha-ha-ha. now, no one can believe it. ha! ha! no one believes it! and i've been watching the guy. i've been trying to see if he's got any plans. he's got no plans. it's a lot of slogans with no plans. and he's at the reallies and he just says the slogans, he repeat the slogans and no one asks about the plans. he's at the rallies. gonna make america great again! gonna make america great again! gonna build a wall.
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how you gonna do it? i have no idea! listen, the number one thing i've heard trump supporters say, number one thing, "i love him because he says what's on his mind. he just says what's on his mind. he just says what's on his mind! you go, what, are your thoughts about his policies?" "i don't know about his policies. he just says what's on his mind." i thought that was the dumbest thing i had ever heard. until i went t an iranian lady. she fell for the line. she said, maz, i like this guy. he says what's on his mind. i said are you crazy. he's anti-immigrant. if he became president, they couldn't come and visit you. she said, "i don't like them anyway." ( applause ) yeah. a lot of immigrants actually like trump. a lot of immigrants get in this country and they don't want any
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i swear to god, i was in an uberwith an older armenian guy. this guy loved trump. barely spoke english, but he loved trump. he was trying to tell me what i great politician he is. he kept saying what a great politic he is. he kept saying,"donald trump, number one politic. very good, number one politic, very good, number one, vrkd, number one. i said, dude, he's anti-immigrant. you're an immigrant!" he said, "yes, but i'm here." ( applause ) yeah. "for me, good politic. for my cousin, not good politic. very bad politic." i actually think that trump does not want to win. i really do. he's a megalomaniac billionaire businessman. he wants to make money. he of you don't make money as a president. i think he wants to lose. i really do. that's why he says so much crazy stuff. and then that tape came out where he said if you want to pick up women you have to grab them by their... i said, mom, did you hear what he said.
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have to grab them by the... she said, "remind me of your father's day." thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his movie, "jimmy vestvood: amerikan hero," is now available on amazon. maz jobrani, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ? ?
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en i come home and dinner's not ready i go through the roof. grab 'em by the p****". when you're a star, they let you do it. more accusers coming forward to say they were sexually assaulted by donald trump. i'll go backstage before a show... yes.. and everyone's getting dressed. donald trump walked into the dressing room while contestants, some as young as 15 were changing. standing there with no clothes. i'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. do you treat women with respect? uh... i can't say that either. alright, good. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. don't forget to tune in next week when we will be live here on cbs monday and wednesday, and live uncensored on tuesday for our election night special at at 11 p.m. on showtime. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show

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