tv Right This Minute CBS August 24, 2013 1:35am-2:05am EDT
, twinkle"? ( playing "twinkle, twinkle, little star" ) ( playing fast bluegrass ) oh, she's-she's good. you ever think about taking her to branson? you think she's branson good? well, hell, yeah. they got these fiddle contests there. i used to judge them till they found out i was taking bribes. boy, the best players in the world go to branson. you thinking what i'm thinking? ooh, could i wear a sun dress and play in my bare feet? and we could be your backup band: the dale gribble bluegrass experience. hmm. i like it. aw, no. i'm going to be in fort worthless that weekend auditioning for van boring. ah. well, that's a kick in the teeth. bobby! okay. ♪ blue moon of kentucky keep on shining ♪ ♪ shine on the one that's gone and left... ♪ ( kahn screams ) kahn jr., what is that noise you're making? it sounds like you're killing a seagull with a bagpipe.
it's bluegrass, kahn. music made in america. and whether you like it or not your daughter's a natural. mm-hmm. and i'm having more fun than a dog up a bone tree. that's how you say it's fun in bluegrass. ( screaming ) that inbred music is designed so only people with six fingers can play it. your path is van cliburn camp to harvard to new york philharmonic-- not hay wagon to hee haw. time to pack! we love you, honey. phone as soon as you get to host family in fort worth. remember to give them the pineapple. kahn: practice on bus. aww... mr. hill?
my dad said i could go to branson. how fast do you think you can get the dale gribble bluegrass experience back together? probably after they finish their beers. hey, guys, don't open a new one. we're going to branson! ( men cheering ) boomhaueur: yeah, man. we love branson, man. car insurance companies say they'll save you by switching, you'd have like, a ton of dollars. but how're they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um" or "no comment." then there's esurance. born online, raised by technology and majors in efficiency. so whatever they save, you save. hassle, time, paperwork, hair-tearing out, and yes, especially dollars. esurance. now backed by allstate. click or call. sponsored in part by... ♪ hot shot? how's it taste? [ male announcer ] that hot spicy taste is like a slap to the face. new kfc hot shot bites. 100% breast meat
i'm coming with you. yakov smirnoff is in branson and he's a stepping-stone to my comedy-writing future. ( sighs ): all right. but you better sleep the whole way. we'll be careful. what do i care? ( country music playing ) ♪ ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... ♪ hi, dad. fort worth is great. what's the competition like? is tim woo there? yeah, but he hurt his hand stealing a coke from the coke machine. ( laughing ) hey, connie, is is my tongue blue? ah... who's that?! uh... it's tim woo. his tongue is blue. dad, i got to go practice some more. yes, go practice. okay, dad. i love you.
stop talking. go practice. the key to writing a good yakov smirnoff joke is picturing yourself arriving in america and noticing that it is different from russia. it's brilliant, really. the only thing brilliant really about yakov smirnoff is that he's a kgb spy. he's been sending u.s. secrets back to mother russia while tourists are seduced by his fake comedy act. although his beard is real. ( laughing ) oh, this joke will kill. ( bad accent ): in america, you put "in god we trust" on your money. in russia, we have no money. ( laughter ) oh...! come on, focus. does anybody remember why we're going to branson? fiddle contest. and to have fun. yes, yes, we're going to have fun but you know what's not fun?
being ill-prepared. hank: all right, everybody. cough up two bucks and we'll be officially entered. no turning back now. hey, it's ten to 5:00 you think it's too late to get seats for the 5:00 yakov? ( cheering ) well, maybe you can get yakov to write you an autograph: "dear dale, hope the show "was worth throwing away "that young girl's musical career. can do, will do. come on, connie. okay, connie, just tell them well... see, she's not interested. where do we put the gift? mess up her bed and hide it underneath her pillow and when she come home from audition we'll scream at her "kahn jr., clean up your filthy room!" and when she cleans it up that's when she finds the limoges violin. bill monroe? the foggy mountain boys? minh, have you seen this pornography? don't worry, she's in fort worth. we throw it out before she gets back.
wait a minute. tim woo hates coca-cola! ( shrieks ) connie's in branson. i've been learning english for 20 years. now i move to the ozarks, i have to start all over again. mel tillis is teaching me english. it's taking a lot longer than i expected. ( audience laughing ) yakov smirnoff is not my real name. it used to be jack daniels. ( laughing ) mr. smirnoff. i would one day like to be a comedian like yourself. i've written an "in america and in russia" joke for you that i think is very funny. hey, kid, i don't tell russian jokes for last ten years. now i do jokes about relationships and things i observe. ( laughing ) i'll give you $20 american.
keep them coming. ( shouting ) ( groans ) why did you do that? save the sweet-guy act for the tourists, nikolai. the cia will be here momentarily. i called them during the statue of liberty dance number. are you okay? my left eye really burns. he's faking it, bobby. it's all part of his act. which, by the way, is very funny. ( gasps ) bill: yakov was so funny. oh, and we got to meet him after the show. great guy. where have you guys been? i've had to deal with the bluegrass brothers all by myself. they've been staring at me, twiddling their beards and trying to psych me out. dad, i sold my joke to yakov. i'm a professional comedy writer. look, i told you to stay out of my wallet. the dale gribble bluegrass experience? yo, man. y'all are on after the harris twins.
oh, god. well, this is it, connie. your dream to become a professional bluegrass musician. don't blow it. my dream? mr. hill... come on, connie, focus. rosin up your bow and focus. no! i don't want to be a professional bluegrass musician. i quit. and i quit, too even though i'm not in the band. what? where are you going? the twins are finishing. connie. well, i saw that coming. yet i did nothing to stop it. why do i fear success?
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maybe connie ran off 'cause of stage fright. okay. i'm not afraid to say it. we're a novelty band without connie. it's going to be fine. you guys just stall the audience until i get her back. boomhauer, you're good at stage patter. yeah, man, maybe they'll give a little "hey, man, how y'all doing in branson, man? let me hear you say, 'yeah.'" good. perfect. do that. ( yells ) you kidnapped my daughter and took her across state lines to play hillbilly music against her will. i've been looking for a reason to put you in jail, and now i have it. what are you talking about?
you gave her permission to come with us. never! i make sure she practice mozart. get into van cliburn, then ivy league orchestra. from there, she play paris, rome. then i take her back to my hometown of luang phabang and stick it up their nose. that's why she ran away from you. she'd rather play bluegrass and win this contest and then get a record deal and open up the connie souphanousinphone theater and... ah, i'm a jackass. stop stating the obvious. where is my daughter? uh... i don't know. i'm sure she's fine. she's with bobby. great. that narrows it down. now all we have to do is check every free buffet in town. bobby: how about this one? i've been working out with weights. every time someone says, "let's work out" i say, "wait." that's funny, bobby. i'm sorry. it's just... i'm sick of our dads putting pressure on me. at least they're paying attention.
feels like i'm always playing to an empty house. you know what i'd love to do? run away to the appalachian mountains and play bluegrass all day long with people who know that music is about having fun. people who sing and smile even though they're poor and their faces are smudged with coal. and i can wear overalls with no shirt and tell jokes about the high cost of mules. let's do it! dale gribble bluegrass experience? you're up. uh... they're not here. they're... locked in a vault. what? dale: hold on! screw connie, i got us an even better fiddle player. may i present to you... mr. charlie daniels. where is this young fiddle player whose final wish was to meet me? well, actually, you're too late but her other final wish was that you would play with us her favorite song on that stage now. so, what do i tell her parents?
tell them i'll play till my fiddle catches fire. oh... we can't afford bus tickets. we only have enough money for a t-shirt or a row of seats at the andy williams show. well, i could go for either, but it's up to you. bobby, we are going to be in appalachia by sundown. why do we do it, kahn? why do we push connie so hard? i do it because she has a lot of talent and i want what's best for her. you do it... well, frankly, i'm flummoxed. back off. push bobby. ( dismissive snort ) he doesn't like sports. he doesn't play an instrument. there's nothing to push him into. yeah. he's going to be a loser, all right. now, hold on. bobby's not a loser. for your information a lot of people think bobby's funny. the kid's only 13 years old and he's already sold a joke to this yakov smirnoff.
oh, yeah? yeah. uh... "in america, they put 'in god we trust' on the money. in russia, they have no money." ( laughing ) that's funny. i hate russia. yeah. yeah, that is a good joke. it's... branson good. ♪ blue moon of kentucky ♪ ♪ keep on shinin'... aw, damn you, hank hill. i can't get that song out of my head. aah! here it goes again. ♪ blue moon of kentucky... ♪ ( fiddle playing ) ♪ keep on shinin'. kahn: ah! she's playing on the streets for lousy tourists. she should be playing at royal albert hall for prince charles and camilla parker bowles. oh, come on, kahn, i bet you never knew she could smile and play at the same time. ( accompanying connie )
♪ shine on the one that's gone and left me blue... ♪ ♪ it was on a moonlit night ♪ the stars were shining bright ♪ ♪ when they whispered... maybe one day you can be our opening act. ♪ your love has said good-bye ♪ ♪ blue moon... of kentucky keep on shining ♪ ♪ shine on the one that's gone and proved untrue ♪ ♪ blue moon of kentucky keep on shining ♪ ♪ shine on the one that's gone and said good-bye. ♪ ♪ hee-hee-hee. connie souphanousinphone, everyone. she's only 13. that's him!
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