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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 19, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> stephen: hi. stephen colbert here. yesterday, the band pearl jam announced they were cancelling their show in north carolina to protest that state's controversial new law curbing l.g.b.t. right. and they're not alone. bruce springsteen also called off his concert there. paypal canceled plans fair new operation center. and even the porn site xhampster blocked north carolina users from their site. now where are north carolina users going to go for their porn? while i respect those artists, as an entertainer i believe it is not my job to deny you my talent. i believe it is possible to use the magic of television to bridge our differences. i mean, for pete's
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figures like abraham lincoln and robert e. lee believed this country could come together. that's why i will never withhold this show from anyone. i believe we must find common ground and hold firm to those things that unite us all. ( cheers and applause ) we must clipping to each other passionately and, really, really just go for it. captioning sponsored by cbs
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) how you doing? hey, everybody, up there. everybody down here. what's going on here, my friend. >> jon: always good to see you. >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show,"" i am stephen colbert. that's lovely. that is lovely. that is lovely. must be spring. the audience is springing up like tulips. that's very nice. folks, it is spring. but also, check your wrist calendars, because today is primary day right here in the big
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( cheers and applause ) when new yorkers proudly line up at the voting booth and declare with one voice, "hurry up in there, i got stuff to do." you people vote? did you people vote today? ( applause ) and they're all tourists. it's illegal for them to vote. ( laughter ) that's how important it is. but there is something fishy going on this election season that really irks me. you see, when you vote, you have to trust that your vote will be honored. and yet, we have watched the people overwhelmingly make their choice, only to have powerful forces openly discuss tossing the results because they believe they are ridiculous. i am talking, of course, about the overwhelming victory of boaty mcboatface. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the people upon. you guys know. the people know. the you know what i'm talking about? britain's
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research council announced a boat-naming contest a little over a mongst ago, in an effort to build public interest in arctic research-- while there is still some arctic left to research. thousand of enters were admitted and the name "boaty mcboatface" got four times more votes than any other name. and well it should. i believe it's the best name for a boat. just as the best name for a man is manny mcmanface. if i ever have another son, i will name himself manny mcmanface. it is certainly better than the stupid names the british normally give their boats. the h.m.s. "right honorable maritime crumpet barge." the point is-- and i believe this is a universal feeling-- the people voted. boaty mcboatface won. the system works. or does it? >> the final decision goes with the agency.
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>> stephen: what? >> audience: booo! >> stephen: i agree with whatever word that was. this is terrible. if they overturn this vote, they're butty mcbuttfaces. and why draw the line at boaty mcboatface? we don't stop people when they name their kids brinley and cadence. do the english not like the proud scottish heritage of clan mcboatface? ( laughter ) i believe the powers that be have no right to overturn the choice of the voters no matter how childless that voice and that choice may be. i, for one, look forward to president trumpy mctrumpface. speaking-- speaking--
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jon batiste and stay human! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: awesome. all right. now, jon, i understand that you have a special guest with the band tonight. who's joining us? >> jon: oh, we got the legendary trumpeter, arturo sandoval. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: arturo, welcome. thank you so much. it's an honor. it's an honor to have you. >> thank you very much, sir. i appreciate it. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan. >> are you? >> stephen: oh, yeah, i'm a huge fan. i also-- i play a little trumpet myself. >> i saw you doing that... but
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your mouth. that was-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: i play mouth trumpet. i don't play real trumpet. i play mouth trumpet. i make trumpet sounds with my mouth. give me a little taste. i can match anything you do. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> not bad. ( applause ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's mott fair! that's not fair!
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i got a flint lock gun over here and you pulled out a machine gun. that's not fair. anyway, welcome. we're happy to have you. arturo sandoval, everybody. ( applause ) okay, now, clearly, clearly-- we can all tell the anger we had earlier about this election. the election has everyone out there fired up this year, including supremely mellow guys ben and jerry from ben & jerry's. these fellows got themselveses into a scoop of trouble yesterday at a capitol hell protest against money and politics. >> political protests have resulted in the arrests of the co-founders of ben & jerry's. here you can see merrick native ben cohen being arrested along with fellow founder jerry greenfield. >> stephen: ben and jerry got arrested. surprisingly, not for the murder of my waistline. ( laughter ) you monsters!
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now-- ( laughter ) yeah, the first rule of television, you've got to eat it in rehearsal, too. now, these guys have been released. no doubt their flirtation with the slammer is bound to inspire some exciting new ben & jerry's flavors, including: solitary confine-mint, cone-jugal visit, cherryan brotherhood, disproportionate incarceration of african-ameri-crunch, toilet wine, and life without the possibility of pecan. ( applause ) , of course. ( cheers and applause ) of course, ben and jerry aren't
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angry about all the money in politics. so is bernie sanders, who's been making folks feel the bern by railing against super pacs in fiery speeches like this. >> when every major candidate has a superpac, we have said no to superpacs, said no to the billionaires who fund those superpacs. >> stephen: wow. not only does bernie make good points. he also points good. in fact, bernie's pointing prowess has inspired us to create a new video game. it's bubble-burst bernie! let's do it. >> when every major candidate haa superpac, we have said no. to superpacs. said no to the billionaires who fund those superpacs. ( cheers and applause )
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pretty sweet. but i am telling you, if we do not get money out of politics, next we will be playing "angry bernies." of course, on the republican side, donald trump is heavily favored to win tonight's primary. new york is his home town, and he's been married to many of its voters. ( laughter ) but trump's victory may not be enough to avoid a contested convention. that is where no candidate has no majority of delegates, freeing up those delegates to vote for anyone they think would be most appealing to the american public. so the next g.o.p. presidential nominee could be a "gilmore girls" reboot. but the hot name on a lot of republican lips right now is speaker of the house, paul ryan.
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clapping, yes. they believe he would be a better alternative to trump and cruz, more likely to attract moderate. voters and less likely to haunt your robitussin-induced nightmares. ( applause ) good, handsome man. he's a handsome man. but ryan keeps insisting he will not run. >> so let me be clear. i do not want, nor will i accept the nomination for our party. count me out. i should not be considered, period, end of story. >> stephen: okay, end of story, for more on the story, let's go live via satellite to "late show" speaker paul ryan expert, speaker paul ryan. ( cheers and applause ) speaker ryan, thanks so much for joining me. >> thanks for having me, stephen. good to be with you. >> stephen: i
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mistaken, this is your first appearance on a late night show. >> it is. >> stephen: i'm honored. that's what we call in our business exclusively. >> happy to provide one. >> stephen: fair warning, we call everything an exclusive, though. there has been much speculation as to whether you would accept the nomination a contested republican convention. you have said no, and i accept that. what i want to talk to you about today is your agenda for house republicans in 2016. how does your message differ as the speaker from what we're hearing from the presidential candidates? >> well, one of the things that we're building here in the house republicans is we're offering an agenda to the country for how we fix our country's big problems. 71% of americans don't like the direction the country is headed. we think we owe our fellow citizens a better way forward, so we're going to tackle the issues-- economic growth, patient-centered health care, how do you move people from welfare to work, how do you secure national security, restore self-government? we want to give the people of this country a very coherent choice by dpifg them
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that gets this country back on track, and we want to take this agenda to the country to ask for a mandate to put these things in place in 2017. that's what we're working on here. we want to have an ideas campaign, not a personality contest. and that's what we think here in the house we can coand provide to our fellow citizens. >> stephen: that's a powerful message, a message that the american people will certainly respond to if it comes from the mouth of the future republican nominee. yes or no-- would you accept the nomination? >> no, stephen, i have said i do not want, nor would i accept, the republican nomination. >> stephen: got it. so you're considering the nomination. ( laughter ). >> no, no i'm not. >> stephen: another i'll give you some time to mull this one over? ( laughter ) how about now? >> still no. >> stephen: so that's a maybe? >> no, it's a no. >> stephen: like a no-no? or one of those no, i don't want to be speaker of the house but i'll accept it if you just give it t
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>> it's a no-no. >> stephen: and two no-nos make a yes? >> no, they make a firmer no. period. >> stephen: okay period. but if i add two more periods, it becomes an ellipses, so possibly? >> so, no. let me say it in clear english. no. >> stephen: okay, how about clear german? >> nein. >> stephen: clear russian. >> nyet. >> stephen: wow, you seem to know a lot of foreign languages. that kind of international experience will really come in handy if you decide to accept the republican nomination, sir. >> stephen. >> have said this repeatedly. the nomination should go to someone who actually campaigned for it. for me, that door is closed. >> stephen: got it. but is the door locked? ( laughter ) >> it is bolted shut. >> stephen: i see. is there a key under the mat, by
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( laughter ). >> no, there's not. and observer you ask, there isn't one of those little windows on the door you can punch through and turn the handle like a burglar in those home security ads. >> stephen: got it. okay, i apologize. maybe "door" was a bad metaphor? has the ship sailed? >> yes, it has sailed. >> stephen: and was that ship the ss"yes "on the way to nomination harbor? >> no it was the h.m.s. "not gonna happen to a one-way voyage to how could i be any clearer in? >> stephen: well, sir, if you don't know how to be clearer, i don't. i know it's a big decision upon you should probably pray on it and talk about it with your family. in the meantime, thank you for joining us, and i hope to have you back on the show soon. >> put me down for a strong maybe on that. >> stephen: paul ryan, everybody, the republican nop me. ( applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. lks, i am really excited for my first guest, and a lot of times i just say that. you know him as the sinister president frank underwood on netflix's "house of cards." you can now see him as the wonderful president richard nixon, in the film "elvis & nixon." please welcome the great kevin spacey! ♪ ♪ ( appl )
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( cheers )
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there, and just last august, i finished there. so i actually have not been able to be in new york in the spring for, like, 10 years. and i just want to say i love new york so much right now. ( cheers and applause ) i love being here. >> stephen: greatest city in the world. greatest city in the world. >> it's awesome. >> stephen: i love your new movie. >> ah. >> stephen: "elvis & nixon." this is a fascinating story. it's a true story, and the thing i think that will sort of sell people on what it is quickest is this photo right here. it's all kind of based on this photo right there. this is an actual photo of elvis presley, in the golden years, with richard nixon. this photo right here is a true photo. it is the most requested in the u.s. national archives, more than like d-day photos, people want this. >> that's right. >> stephen: what's the story behind this pho
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>> the story behind this photo, december of 1970, elvis presley was very concerned about where the country was. he was concerned about the protests against the vietnam war. he was concerned about people seeming to lack respect for the presidency and law enforcement. he was very worried. communists. now -- >> elvis was worried about communists? >> yes. people don't know this but it was true. he was much more conservative than you would imagine but he never talked about politics. and he decided what he needed to do was to offer himself to the country so he got on an airplane. he flew to washington, d.c. uninvited, unexpected. he wrote a six-page letter to richard nixon, and showed up at the white house gates at 7:30 in the morning asking to see the president. >> stephen: and the people in the white house didn't know what to do. >> the guards thought he was an elvis impersonator. ( laughter ). >> stephen: he kind of looks like an elvis impersonator. >> so haldered manho
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nixon's chief of staff, who would later, i believe, go to jail for watergate, did not want nixon to meet elvis presley. >> stephen: yet ynot? >> thought it was a crazy idea. and nixon didn't want to meet elvis presley and he said no. and then julie nixon, his daughter, who was 20 years old, found out that her father had said no to meeting elvis presley, and she wanted an autograph. so she called her father and ideal at him. ( laughter ) and so nixon reluctantly agreed to meet this rock 'n' roller so that he could get an autograph for his daughter. >> stephen: so, so, at that point she was the most powerful person. >> she was the most powerful person. >> stephen: daughters generally are. daughters are generally the most powerful people in the world. we have a clip ps this is nixon being ascanse of elvis presley
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>> you know, guys like that who were just born good look ago well, you obviously know-- they never had to work for it, if you know what i mean. not me. no, i had to make something of myself to get a girl to notice me. it wasn't just handed to me by some sort of genetic lottery. i wasn't born looking like a kennedy,un. but that's why guys like me are survivors. guys like this elvis fellow, no. underneath all that, they're weak. they whither at the first sign of trouble. they just crumble like a sand dune. ( cheers and applause ) so what's most crazy about this meeting is that finally, elvis comes to the white house. he decides he wants to bring a gun for the president as a gift. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it was a
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time. >> it was a different time. and not only that. he also carried firearms himself. >> stephen: oh, yeah, he liked to shoot the tv and stuff like that. >> yes. so he actually snuck into the oval office with a firearm that they didn't find. >> stephen: how do you-- how do you-- how? >> it's in your leg, baby. >> stephen: oh, in his boot. >> yeah, in his boot. i'm carrying one now. >> stephen: to play the part of nixon, he has been portrayed so many times, he has been imitated so many times. it's a brilliant production, presentation of nixon. how do you do that without falling into the, i'm richard nixon." >> you know what i did on set just to make sure i wouldn't do that? i'd go, "i love you all so much." just to make sure i wouldn't. >> stephen: that's good. that's good. ( applause ) that's a very good abraham lincoln. that's a vrkd abraham lincoln you do.
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nature. >> what's crazy about this meeting is they had it and in the course of this afternoon they spent together, these two men who you would not think they had anything in common, actually ended up having a great amount of empathy for each other and i think by the end of the meeting they liked each other. >> stephen: is that true? not just the photo. >> not just the photo. they spent the after together. and then later, when either of them ended up in the hospital for any reason, one of them called the other to find out how they were doing. so their weird bond continued. >> stephen: and elvis got a special-- >> this is what he wanted. he wanted the president to make him an undercover federal agent at large. >> stephen: how-- how does the biggest rock 'n' roll star in the world be an undercover agent? >> because he felt he had done many movies and he understood costumes and disguise. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he's unrecognizable in "clambake." he's unrecognizable. >> and by the way, by the way, this movie is a comedy. this is just this side of
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although we play it very seriously. it is just ( bleep ) crazy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hold on to that thought. hold on to that thought. we'll be right back with more kevin spacey. ♪ ( applause ) who know it wasn't a day at the beach... unless someone got buried. to the fullbacks... gearheads... and those with green thumbs. to the sticky... the stinky... even those who get a little icky. to all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up... with delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. see what delta can do. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. we're here with the great kevin spacey again. so you're shooting this movie--... ( cheers and applause ) ( imitating trumpet ) >> stephen: yeah. ( cheers and applause ) we got it. ot
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thank you very much. >> you want to take my job? >> stephen: take five, baby. >> we got it. >> you want to take my job? >> stephen: take five, baby. >> he's very upset with us now. >> stephen: yes, he is, very much. ( laughter ) now, you're doing the "elvis & nixon" movie. you're in an oval office set right now. how hard is it to not snap into frank underwood? >> that is the challenge. there i am in an oval office set. the oval office in "elvis & nixon" is the one from "west wing." >> stephen: very same one. >> same one. >> stephen: was there a martin sheen butt-mark in the chair? >> how heavy is he, by the way? >> stephen: you tell me. >> i don't know. but you made him seem like there would be a big dent. ( laughter ) yes, he makes an impression, that martin sheen. ( applause ) no, so, we were on the set, and it was interesting and challenging for me
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nixon, but, obviously, not want to do an imitation or a caricature of him because that's been done, so why do it? but also not have people think frank underwood when they watch the movie. i saw the movie for the firm time because we screened it at the tribeca film festival and i screened it with an audience and they seemed to enjoy it very much and nobody seemed to think about frank. >> stephen: the show, "house of cards" itself-- >> season four, season four. >> stephen: it's particularly-- ( applause ) it's particularly prophetic this year, because this year, which was written a year ago, if i understand, has a contested convention in it. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: does that spook anybody that the show seems predictive? >> by the way, this has happened every season. we have the writers. we've discussed the storylines, where we want to go, the arc of the show. we write it, we film
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and then just before it airs, something that we have done in every season this has happened, happens in real life. and we think people are going to assume we ripped it from the headlines, right? but in fact, it's been the other way around. so we decided-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you have awesome power. >> we decided that the the thing that we should do is write something into the show that will be really awesome to have happen, like $965 billion gets put in the national endowment of the arts. ( cheers and applause ) and then let's see if we can make that happen. >> stephen: go for it, go for it. >> it's an awesome idea. >> stephen: yeah, but somehow frank would use it to create a statue that would kill someone or something like, that epicase his enemies in plaster and put them on the mall. speaking of museums. congratulations, your character, frank underwood, his portrait from the show is being put up in the national portrait gallery. >> the smithsonian. >> stephen: the
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national portrait gallery. >> this is true. this is an actual portrait done by a british artist named jonathan yo, who had done a previous portrait of me when i played richard iii. and the smithsonian approached about doing a portrait and he did it and we unveiled it like it was an actual presidential unveiling. i arrived as frank underwood and gave a little speech. and i basically said that i was excited about the fact that now so many tourists would be able to come to the smithsonian and see just how well hung i am. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: nicely done. nicely done. "elvis & nixon" is in theaters this friday. kevin spacey, everybody. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i am very excited about my next guest. that's two guests in a row. he is the star of the hbo hit show "silicon valley." >> see that? compositing perfect 3d holographic mustaches using depth-sensing cameras in a live video chat. and nobody is doing that. >> nobody. >> sorry, this is the rad thing? >> richard, we agree, we're not there yet. we're using a crappy plug-in, so thealatancy is bad.
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is on your ear. but with your help we can cut the lag in nine months. just in time for november. >> which one do you want on your employee banl? tom selleck. john waters. >> not bad. >> alex trebek. hitler. >> probably not hitler, skip him. >> stephen: please welcome thomas middleditch. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: let me get this for you, squire. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: well, well, that went smoothly. so few people come out here with a cane. thank you for being so dapper. >> yeah, and most people would have successfully twirled it, but i didn't. on purpose. ( laughter ) part of my comedy routine. >> stephen: do you take that everywhere with you? >> no, this is only today because i closed the new york stock exchange. i rang the little bell. >> stephen: did you really? >> yeah, and i thought i'd. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the ding-ding-ding-ding. that whole thing. >> it's deafening. and i thought i would really dress, you know, like a harvard sailing team kind of thing. i wanted to dress like an 80s villain. like, "hands off my girl, craig." you know. "you don't run this school. i do. let's bhowns." >> stephen: at my rifle dojo. >> have you ever thought about changing the accent on your first same to stephan, so you could be stephan colbert, kind of
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and at home you'd be steve coal-bert. >> stephen: the secret is at home i am steve coal-bert. i was raised steve colbert. i chose coal-bear. >> you don't have to yell. >> stephen: i'm not yelling. you just suddenly got me on something i'm interested in-- me. middleditch? what kind of name is middleditch? >> well, british, born from a charles dickens novel with coal soot on my toes. no, yeah, i mean, it is british. >> stephen: does it mean anything? >> it's hard to say. from what i understand, it's sort of like those names that sound like words, middle-ditch, well, say kind of where you're from or what you did. and it's probably -- >> from the middle of a ditch, something like that some. >> my dad is like, "oh, it's probably we're from some place where they had dikes, irrigation." >> stephen: does your dad do a great imprsi
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person or is your dad actually english? >> he's from the south, i'm just kid ago having fun. he is from the south of england. and my brother wants it to be like a ditch-digger soldier man. so there's a bit of a heated rivalry between my father and brother. >> stephen: did i touch a nerve just now? >> no, i'm fanning the flames of a nonexistent rivalry right now. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, in the show, you play sort of a socially awkward nerd. >> yeah. >> stephen: where do you find that in yourself? why wheredo you find-- ( laughter ) where does that-- how as an actor-- >> too big of a laugh. too big of a laugh there! too strong a reaction! ( laughter ) you received too many pats on the back for that one, sir. >> stephen: so where does-- were you, like, nerdy growing up? >> yeah, i was pretty nerdy, still am. i mean, like, you know, i was into
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still like computers. and, you know-- >> stephen: i hear those are going to be very big soon. >> yeah, one of theseidation. >> stephen: i've got a wang. >> are you telling me you have a penis? what are you talking about. >> stephen: i am. i call it my middle ditch. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wang computers. i understand-- >> i'm glad to be part of your bedroom talk. >> stephen: i understand you play dudgeons and dragons. >> a little d. and d. but i play more of this game called gerps. >> stephen: gerps. all right! that's about the appropriate ratio. it stand for generic universal role playing system. it's a set of rules that you can apply to any world. so, yeah, i can do dudgeons and dragons, swords and sorcery, and
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1930s film noir. and that's my sundays. >> stephen: that's a great pickup line. ( laughter ) thomas middleditch, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: season three of "silicon valley" premieres on hbo april 24. we'll be right back.
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so switch today. ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm chris van hollen, and i approve this message. narrator: an attack ad from the campaign for donna edwards. so untrue. so outrageous that president obama said, "pull it down."
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lled the ad on chris van hollen and the nra "misleading." the sun says van hollen and president obama have the exact same position. the post praised van hollen as a "leading champion on gun safety," and condemned the edwards ads that "mislead" voters. donna edwards. will she say anything to win an election? >> stephen: my next guests fell from space or oklahoma. here to honor david bowie with the song "space oddity," please welcome the flaming lips. ♪ ground control to major tom ou
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♪ take your protein pills and put your helmet on ♪ ground control to major tom commencing countdown, engines on ♪ check ignition and may god's love be with you ♪ this is ground control to major tom ♪ you've really made the grade and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
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♪ now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare ♪ "this is major tom to ground control ♪ i'm stepping through the door and i'm floating in the most peculiar way ♪ and the stars look very different today ♪ here am i floating ¡round my tin can ♪ far above the world planet earth is blue and there's nothing i can do
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♪ though i'm past one hundred thousand miles ♪ i'm feeling very still and i think my spaceship knows which way to go ♪ tell my wife i love her very much she knows ♪ ground control to major tom your circuit's dead, ♪ there's something wrong can you hear me, major tom? ♪ can you hear me, major tom?
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can you hear me, major tom? can you hear-- ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: the flaming lips, and which you balk aeverybody. we want
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you may know what it's like to deal with high... and low blood sugar. januvia (sitagliptin) is a once-daily pill that, along with diet and exercise, helps lower blood sugar. januvia works when your blood sugar is high and works less when your blood sugar is low, because it works by enhancing your body's own ability to lower blood sugar. plus januvia, by itself, is not likely to cause weight gain or low blood sugar (hypoglycemia).
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or diabetic ketoacidosis. tell your doctor if you have a history of pancreatitis. serious side effects can happen, including pancreatitis which may be severe and lead to death. stop taking januvia and call your doctor right away if you have severe pain in your stomach area which may be pancreatitis. tell your doctor right away and stop taking januvia if you have an allergic reaction that causes swelling of the face, lips, tongue, or throat, or affects your breathing or causes rash or hives. kidney problems sometimes requiring dialysis have been reported. some people may develop severe joint pain. call your doctor if this happens. using januvia with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. to reduce the risk, your doctor may prescribe a lower dose of the sulfonylurea or insulin. your dtor may do blood tests before and during treatment to check your kidneys. if you have kidney problems a lower dose may be prescribed. side effects may include upper respiratory tract infection, stuffy or runny nose, sore throat, and headache. for help lowering your blood sugar
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." you don't have to leave, but you can't watch me anymore. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dennis quaid, from "veep" matt walsh, and a musical performance by charles bradley. stick around for james corden, who will be joined by the lovely gwyneth paltrow. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs

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