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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> hey, stephen. i, how are you? the reporter called. are you dressing up like a chicken and a cow. >> stephen: in the dressing room? >> yeah, excuse me. one second. sorry. stephen? stephen? seriously? ♪ >> tonight, stephen welcomes bill o'reilly! morris chestnut! and the musical performance by "deerhunter"! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"!
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show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs
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friend larry wilmore. he preformed at the white house correspondents' dinner this weekend. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! i agree. i agree. he really stunned that room. people in washington aren't used to seeing two black men speaking at the same event. (laughter) there was one controversial moment at the end where larry said the n-word. it was shocking, but it did lay the groundwork for president trump to say it next year. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's out there now. you can imagine it. you can imagine it. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: now, personally, i thought larry gave a great speech that didn't let the president or the press off the hook. i'm confident that larry will receive the ultimate recognition for his work: never being invited back. you can watch with me next year, larry! (cheers and applause) it's a lovely party.
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once, it's a lovely party. i did not go down for the dinner this year. i don't like to go anywhere actually. because, a, new york is fantastic and, b, air travel is a drag, and no one drags it more than the t.s.a. the only organization in the country with a "no shoes, yes service" policy. the united states spends $7 billion a year on the agency and that amount raises a few eyebrows. so recently, the t.s.a. proposed a novel new cost-cutting measure: a plan to screen passengers from smaller airports only after they reached their destination. smart. that's like putting on a condom at the baby shower. (laughter) oh, this is so -- oh, this is so -- so -- this -- i
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know it came if such beautiful colors! (laughter) hey i've got a question. any technology people here tonight? (cheers and applause) who here has used bitcoin? you know what bitcoin is? ( applause ) it's good to know my audience is full of arms dealers and murderers for hire. excellent. you know what bitcoin is? bitcoin is an electronic online currency that was created in 2009 by someone under the pseudonym "satoshi nakamoto." obviously, a fake name because, if you unscramble those letters of "satoshi nakamoto," you get "tom hanks asia too." (laughter) i asked mr. hanks, and he denied it. well, today in australia, or yesterday for people, an australian entrepreneur named craig wright outed himself as the creator of this shadow currency.
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aussie created this new technology. me too. the last thing australia invented was that dumb stick that comes back at you. just get out of here! go -- away! (cheers and applause) (applause) and, of course, the bloomin' onion. (laughter) but to me, the most personal story from over the weekend was that ringling brothers circus held its final performance with elephants. (cheers and applause) yeah. i agree. the idea of using elephants as performers had become controversial in recent years. these are intelligent, endangered animals, and many activists believe they should be holding each other's tails and wearing tiaras in the wild. (laughter) now, as
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these eleven pacaderms are getting let go, but they're not going back to the jungle. they're going somewhere far more dangerous: florida. (laughter) maybe those elephants can get a job at sea world. they're still willing to do weird stuff to giant mammals! the elephants already have the snork also, and i would love to see an elephant fight shamu -- or a captive breeding program. that's fun to think of the kids watching that. (laughter) mommy, what's happening with shamu... (laughter) but, i say, elephants aren't the only things that need to be rescued from the circus. what about the performers? look at the abuse. they're lit on fire, shoved into glass balls and dangled from the ceiling, tossed into cages with tigers. and look at these cramped work conditions. (laughter) for pete's sake! (cheers and applause)
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factory hogs have more room! but they are delicious.á speaking of delicious. jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! (cheers and applause) that was beautiful. you see? >> jon: feels good out there. >> stephen: i feel fantastic. did you do anything fun this weekend? >> i went to new orleans. we played at the jazz festival. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: mm
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superman going back to his home planet. you must be incredibly strong, like really in your element. >> it does wonders for the ego. i had red beans and rice. we had jambalaya, crawfish etouffee, and then we went and played three shows in two days. >> stephen: wow, and that's how you burn off the etouffee? >> yeah. >> stephen: there has to be a reason why you fit in those skinny jeans. >> jon: well -- >> stephen: that's not packed with etouffee, i can tell. >> jon: i have a fast metabolism. >> stephen: maybe so. but you know where i'm glad i'm not right now? >> jon: where is that? >> stephen: indiana. i love indiana. i dated a girl from indiana, but indiana is chaos now. the indiana primary is tomorrow. how many people are in indiana tomorrow? a show of hands. that's good. that would be weird. indiana is
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anticipated race. it's like the indy 500, except this flaming car crash is just a metaphor. this is "road to the white house." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> do i look like a president? how handsome am i, right? how handsome! ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i want to talk about donald trump. well, "want" is a strong word. (laughter) i'm just practicing for when he's elected, and it's the law. last week, trump delivered a major foreign policy speech about his favorite foreign country: america. >> my foreign policy will always put the interests of the american people and american security above all else. has to be first. has to be. america first will be the major and overriding theme of my administration.
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dedicated to putting america first that he will be president of "the america-- comma-- united states of." (cheers and applause) and trump unveiled his foolproof plan for keeping america safe from our enemies. >> and then there's isis. i have a simple message for them. their days are numbered. i won't tell them where and i won't tell them how. we must, as a nation, be more unpredictable. we are totally predictable. we have to be unpredictable. and we have to be unpredictable starting now. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: booo! (laughter) did it work? (cheers and applause) did it work? is isis defeated yet? (laughter) no? well, that was predictable. yes, trump wants america to be unpredictable. it's all laid out in his four-point foreign policy plan: "lethal weapon" 1 through 4. (laughter) trump is riggs. he's a loose cannon, with nothing to lose, a fantastic head of hair, and one black supporter. (laughter)
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and as president, trump's going to convince the rest of the world that you shouldn't mess with america because we're crazy. and there will be ample evidence of our insanity when we elect donald trump president. (cheers and applause) this lethal weapon metaphor is perfect because i'm not sure who's three days from retirement, but one thing i can say for sure: this is the fifth presidential election i've covered, and i'm getting too old for this (bleep). (laughter) (applause) i can't say that on cbs, right? can i? i'm sure it will be fine.
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right now, in this race for indiana, trump is setting the pace for the field while ted cruz is sucking fumes -- which may explain why he's making that face. with one day to go, the republican second-runner is trailing trump by 15 points, even though less than a week ago cruz 45 was up 16 points. wow. it's almost as if spending time there campaigning hurt him. well, you know what they say about ted cruz: "to know him is to wish you didn't." (cheers and applause) indiana voters clearly agree with former speaker of the house and former beef turned jerky, john boehner. last week he called cruz "a miserable son of a bitch." (laughter) (applause) by the way, we checked with cbs lawyers and apparently i'm allowed to say miserable son of a bitch if i'mal
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cruz. (cheers and applause) still, the former republican speaker calling a presidential candidate "a son of a bitch" is as big of an insult as i can imagine. because i do not have the same imagination as john boehner, because at the same event boehner also called cruz lucifer in the flesh -- and boehner knows lucifer because they clearly go to the same tanning salon. (cheers and applause) and ha ha, we all laughed but come on. if ted cruz were the devil, there'd be signs. the earth would open up and swallow people when you said his name. >> the next president of the united states, ted cruz!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: oh my god! where did she go? she vanished instantly! it's almost as if there's some demonic power about saying the phrase: "the next president of the united states, ted cruz." oh! (applause) (cheering) okay, where was i? okay. let's see. right. ted cruz can't seem to catch a break in indiana. even at cruz rallies. >> something truly bizarre happened last night. every once in a while ted cruz gets a heckler, but this time the heckler was somewhere between 10 and 12 years old. listen to this.
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>> and when we do that-- (kid yelling) >> apparently, there's a young man who's having some problems. >> you suck! >> stephen: yes, a child shouted "you suck" at ted cruz. (laughter) we don't know the heckler's name, but we do have a picture of the child. there you go. (laughter) i just want to point out that this huge font is not ours. that's how fox news captioned this. meanwhile,"u.s. artillery shelling and drone attacks" is buried in the crawl, but "ted cruz sucks" is up here in 190-point "man walks on the moon" font.
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man walks on the moon and sucks. but ted cruz showed that he's the type of strong leader willing to stand up to a small child. >> children should actually speak with respect. you know, in my household when a child behaves that way, they get a spanking. (audience reacts) >> stephen: and you know things aren't looking good for the cruz campaign when they're trying out the new slogan: "ted cruz '16 -- he hits kids." (applause) either way, he has called indiana his firewall, and he's going to have to pull off a miracle if he ever hopes to hear the phrase, "the next president of the united states, ted cruz." ahh! ♪ we'll be right back with bill o'reilly!
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you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state.
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or any other small frozen coolatta, for $1.99. america runs on dunkin'. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is the bestselling. author of "killing reagan" and the host of the number one cable news program, "the o'reilly. factor." please welcome bill o'reilly. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nice to see you. come on up. oh, papa bear, always good to see ya. how are ya? >> i'm the same. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: never change? never, no, boring as always. >> stephen: slow
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wins the race. >> i'm surprised you want pe. i'm so boring. >> stephen: what are you talking about? you're a guy who's willing to say what -- uh you're thinking -- (laughter) >> some days. >> stephen: let's talk about indiana. what the hell is going on with this race? in this case, we know. cruz said indiana is his fire wall. do you think the polls are right that the inferno temperature burns them out. >> can't stop him. what the media does is they try to get the horse race so you will watch, but it was over three weeks ago after new york. same thing with hillary clinton. you know, feel the burn all you want, but the burn is going to be in the refrigerator and clinton is going to be the nominee. that's the way it's going to be. it's hillary versus trump. indiana, if trump did not win tomorrow, that would give cruz a little bit of a thing to
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to, but it's still going to be trump. >> stephen: you know trump, right? >> i do. >> stephen: you've known him for years. i understand you've shared vanilla milk shakes with him, is what you've said. you try to entice him to come back to the fox debate -- >> i bought him a couple of milks shakes. he never has money. >> stephen: those guys never have money. >> he has $10 billion, no money. go to yankee stadium, here, a couple of milk shakes -- i got it, i got it. >> stephen: since you know the guy personally for years, does it comforts you that he will be one of the two major party candidates? because that's a reasonable shot at being president. >> i'm not arrogant enough to say this or that person isn't qualified. the people in the republican party want donald trump, for one reason, they want to blow the whole establishment up, that's why he's gotten where he h
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people who run the republican not want him? >> they don't want their property blown up, colbert! they like way it is! if you're going to blow it up, they don't like that! >> stephen: it's been around a long time, they put a lot of effort into it, bill. >> yeah. republicans are angry because they perceive progressive americans -- your crew, all right? -- >> stephen: let me write this down, i -- am -- the -- problem -- just want to make sure we know who the problem is, i am, okay. >> so judicial conservative americans believe the colbert crew is winning the cultural war, the political correctness war, is winning changing the culture and don't like it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: however conservative something might be, i don't believe there is anything wrong with conservatism per se, but it's always a losing battle because the culture always
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>> you would have been fired on the comedy channel if you said you don't think there is anything wrong with conservatism. >> stephen: that's true. it's more than that. they don't like the what the country is becoming. 32-year-old kate,. >> stephen: sad story. in the square with her phat around she's killed and shot in the back of the head and she's dead. who killed her? an illegal alien, aggravated felon with six felony convictions in the united states who had been deported five times and came back six times. the girl is dead. i say we need kate's law, which means that if an aggravated felon defies deportation, that person gets mandatory five years, first offense, ten second offense just for being in the country. you pick him up, he goes to federal prison. kate's law. simple. can't get it passed. why? because the republican leadership wouldn't get behind
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trump is running successfully on an anti-illegal immigrant platform. >> it's all b.s. and the folks know it? trump's b.s.? >> the anti-illegal alien stuff is b.s. you shouldn't be anti-illegal aliens, that doesn't solve any problems. >> stephen: you should be anti-criminal. >> exactly. >> stephen: you and riagreing all the over the place. >> no, we're not. you're actually listening and that's a good thing. so harry reid kills this in the senate but mitch mcconnell, the republican leader does nothing and in the house do nothing. why? because they want to attach it to a sanctuary city bill they knew president obama would veto. >> stephen: why would they do that. >> that's right! why would they do that! all right? i'm pounding the table! put it as a stand alone. >> stephen: it's a brand-new table -- >> right. president obama would sign kate's law, i believe. he wouldn't veto
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but you can't attach it to 15 other things. >> stephen: but -- just listen to me. >> stephen: oh, boy. i have been listening. >> you're absorbing. now you have to live it. >> stephen: i have to live this? >> you have to learn and live oh... >> so the republicans see their own party not doing the right thing. they expect harry reid to do it, he's corrupt. but they don't expect their leadership to not do anything, that's why they're furious. >> stephen: it's not just illegal immigration. it's a lot of different things. >> i don't want to be too complicated. you could understand this. i'm giving you something you can understand. (audience reacts) >> stephen: i understand. no, it's okay! it's okay. be nice to him. be nice to him. >> little steps with colbert. little steps. >> stephen: let me see ifig understand you. old on a second. go quickly before it wears off. we have to take a little break. i want to talk about the democratic side. back with more bill o'reilly!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: we're back witih bill o'reilly. still have "killing reagan" out there? >> still out there. good father's day or mother's day gift. >> stephen: mom loves hearing about the potential assassination of ronald reagan. >> a lot of nancy in there. > >> stephen: let's get back to the election. before we go to the democrats, trump is going to turn to the general. who do you think he'll pick for
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his vp? nobody wants the gig. >> there is a lot of people who don't want to be on the second with donald trump, that's for sure. so i suggested the governor of new mexico, susana martinez, a very accomplished woman. >> stephen: is this how she's finding out now? >> we mentioned it on the show. >> stephen: everybody watches that. >> i told trump himself. >> stephen: you told him? yeah. >> stephen: did you call him up? >> no, he was on the show, colbert. he shows up once in a while. >> stephen: do you let him call in, by the way? >> no, don't let anybody call in. if you do call in with politicians, you will have three people there telling you what to say. so you don't know. >> stephen: they have life lines. >> they do all that. i don't like to do that. >> stephen: there is anger on the republican side -- talking about the democrats. the guy stoking anger on the democrat side doesn't look like he's going to get the position. what do you think is the di
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>> african-american votes. >> stephen: they're not angry? they are very loyal to hillary clinton and bill clinton. >> stephen: is that true? are you guys loyal to the clintons? everybody loyal to the clintons? (applause) i have to check in every so often. >> sanders could not cut through the african-american vote in the south, and if you look at new york and states like that, the plurality was given to mrs. clinton by the minority voters. so that's to her credit. >> stephen: do you think there's a difference between the kind of anger being stoked, the things that bernie was making people mad about? >> right. >> stephen: both trump and bernie were pointing their guns at wall street. they were crossing at that moment. >> it's an ideological anger. it's not the same. bernie sanders wants the united states to become sweden, and that's fine. >> stephen: denmark, he dross throws denmark out there a lot.
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and can't come out seven months a year because there is too much snow. so it's more complicated here. i'm going to bern ie, you want us to kill ourselves? >> stephen: they have the bikini team. >> i didn't know that. >> stephen: yeah. the anger on the left is an economic-driven anger. folks would like to make more money. the anger on the right is a cultural anger, so it's different. >> stephen: you ever thought of running for office yourself? >> no, look, i'm fine with what i do now. this is what i was put on earth to do. >> stephen: really? i thought it was to know god, love god and serve god. >> colbert and i both went to catholic schools and we know the catechism because we were dunked in the water if we didn't. anyway, this is what i was born to do, i'm doing it and for 20 years have been successful. do i want t
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no. >> stephen: all you have to do is print these thing. (laughter) >> no, i don't have any interest. >> stephen: can we talk about bayne around watt he said about cruz? >> oh, yeah... >> stephen: what makes me mad is he never comes on television shows and says that. >> with all due respect, and i don't have any respect for mr. boehner, if you're going to say something about anybody -- for example, i say bad things about colbert all the time but i show up and explain. same thing with stewart. remember stewart? he has a big beard, looks like a werewolf. you ever seen him? jersey? >> stephen: you seen him? i'm soa worried about stewart. >> stephen: he has a farm now, he's like dr. doolittle. he speaks to the animals. he's a jewish dr. doolittle. >> he only
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animals. the conservative animals are booted out. >> stephen: yeah. when you say nasty about somebody else, at least have the cojones -- that's a spanish word -- (laughter) -- to explain it and ut it in some kind of context. don't be a weasel and go to stanford university where there's no press and go, yeah, he's like lucifer... >> stephen: that was a spooky boehner, that was really good. (laughter) i know you have to do is a show tonight. >> it's been delightful. >> stephen: for me, too. thank you so much. >> thank you >> stephen: "the o'reilly factor" airs weeknights on fox news channel. "killing reagan" is available now. bill o'reilly everybody! we'll be right back. if you have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis, and you're talking to your doctor about your medication... this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest started his career as one of the "boyz n the hood." he's now starring as a man in "rosewood" on fox. >> i found a contusion on his arm, probably from a fight. bronze yellow, says three days old. >> yellowish brown, two days old. >> i have yellowish brown, how did you get that. >> i was rounding down. up. come on. i'm still working on our significant bro shake, so -- >> stephen: please welcome morris chestnut! (cheers and applause) ♪
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i was looking at the clip, and the guy in the thing gives you a little pat on the shoulder and thinks twice about giving you any grief after that. i just did right now, man. you are absolutely -- we're not that different in age. that's like slapping a tractor. (laughter) how much of it -- do you make this part of your job to stay fit? >> yeah, definitely on the show -- the set is miami, so i have to take my shirt off a lot. >> stephen: you have to (cheers and applause) >> yeah. i go to the gym. i work out at 4:00 in the morning, six days a week. >> stephen: what? yeah, because i like to get up early. sometimes call time is 6:00, so i like to get to work before i start the day. >> stephen: on rosewood you play a private pathologist? >> that's correct, yes. >> stephen: a pathologist finds out how someone died. >> a pathologist
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or blood examples and diagnose things about patients dead or alive. i work privately to help police department as detective villa who works with the police department to help solve crimes. >> stephen: a private pathologist? rich people want a private pathologist to figure out how they die? >> quite possibly. (laughter) no, actually the pathologist on our show's worked with quite a few famous people. regular pathologists work for the city. >> stephen: did you do a ride along with a pathologist? >> well, no. no, no. >> stephen: no? because i'm not a detective or a cop. i'm a pathologist. >> stephen: ride along, term of art. >> okay. no, actually, they come into the lab. whenever we do a scene in the lab like you saw there, there was someone to show me how to grab and handle the organs. as first i was acting all delicate because they were fake organs, not real.
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out of. >> i don't know to this day, but they feel and look real. >> stephen: they could be real, they're not gonna tell ya. don't worry, morris, they're not real, it's fine... >> yeah. >> stephen: because it looks real. >> they make it look really real. the first time i was grabbing it and i said -- i was very delicate with it. i said, how would you do it? he put on the gloves, tossing it back and forth like a tennis ball. they're so deaccepts advertised they handle it just regularly. >> stephen: i like your way better. if you were cutting me open, i would want someone delicately handling my spleen. >> if you were cut open. i'm sure your wife delicately handles your organs pretty well. (laughte
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♪ >> stephen: i'm not sure we can say that on cbs. can we say that? you son of a bitch. (cheers and applause) (laughter) do you like blood and guts? does it bother you? do you ever say to yourself, why do i have to handle the blood and cuts? >> so sometimes the actors, they start off live on the show, then dead in the lab. >> stephen: tough gig. and so they put all these pros tickets on them and we cut them open and the blood and the organs, they look real, and you do kind of get a little queasy after lunch. not the best time. >> stephen: do they bring in a fake body for you to work on? >> they do. most to have the time if the show starts out and the person is dead, it's already dead body. but others they put on prosthetics. we were working on a body one time and it was a long scene and
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everybody jumped back! (laughter) we knew it was fake but for a second we got caught up in the moment. >> stephen: that's good acting. >> great acting. we were in the moment. >> stephen: when you were cutting on the people, do you ever have to lose the shirt while you're actually doing that? >> season two. we're going to do that in season two. >> stephen: all right. you guys picked up for season two yet? >> yes. thank you so much. >> stephen: congratulations. great. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: >> stephen: "rosewood" airs wednesdays on fox. morris chestnut, everybody! we'll be right back. mksz (cheers and applause) honey, did you call the insurance company? not yet, i'm... folding the laundry! can you? no... cleaning the windows! the living room's a disaster! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. plants need planting! well the leaves aren't going to rake themselves! (vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim?
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i smbut ended up nowhere.a lot now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose nicoderm cq. amber assumed all ranch dressings were made equal.rror. assume nothing. hidden valley ranch has artificial flavors. kraft ranch has no artificial flavors. no synthetic colors. no wonder it tastes so good.
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♪ (cheers and applause)
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e.t. phone home.
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you can never get enough of it. change the way you experience tv with xfinity x1. >> stephen: here performing "living my life," ladies and gentlemen, "deerhunter." (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ >> ♪ i'm living my life ♪ i'm off the grid, i'm out of range ♪ and the amber waves of grain are turning grey again ♪ the darkened stage and the infinite waves ♪ distance can change fate i'm out of range again ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ will you tell me when you find out ♪ how to conquer all this fear i've been spending too much time ♪ out on the fading frontier ♪ will you tell me when you find out how ♪ to recover the lost years i've spent all of my time out here ♪ chasing the fading frontier ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> ♪ i'm living my life i'm living my life ♪ i'm living my life i'm living my life ♪ i'm living my life i'm living my life ♪ i'm living my life i'm living my life ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: deerhunter's album, "fading frontier" is available now! we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dakota johnson, sebastian stan, and a musical performance by lukas nelson.
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now stick around for james corden and his guest, john stamos. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ everyone you know is on fire. ♪ come on baby, let's start ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from new york, give


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