tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night, nor exploding fingers keep these men from their appointed rounds. i will send that to, "far away place." all right. don't forget to put a stamp on it, maybe a couple of them. all right? and post office is closed. i will send it first thing in the morning. ( laughter ) >> tonight, stephen welcomes zachary quinto. natasha lyonne. and 2 chain. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: happy friday! happy friday! hey, everybody! everybody back up there. ( applause ) that's nice. that's lovely. welcome to the show, everybody. thank you so much. wow, wow. i'm stephen colbert, host of "the late show." and you know it's a friday crowd. ( cheers ) only a friday crowd sounds like that. i'm glad you-- you guys in a pretty good mood tonight? ( cheers and applause ) wow, wow, that was almost frighteningly happy. because i'm glad you're in a good mood, because the rest of the
the brexit. no one knows how it will work. does england need all new trade deals? will it ban foreign workers? will we have to pay import tariffs on coldplay? ( laughter ) there's just no way of knowing. and there's huge news on brexit. this guy right here, this is boris johnson, the former mayor of london, and a man many are calling england's donald trump because he's an anti-immigrant conservative accused of fearmongering for political gain, and like trump, he has a hair graft from a viking corpse. ( laughter ) i think. i'm not sure. ( cheers and applause ) what that is. yes. he looks like-- he looks like only a semisuccessful clone of donald trump, like they used a toenail or something like that. so after successfully leading the brexit vote, boris johnson was the favorite to become britain's next prime minister.
>> it is vital now in the conservative party that we bring together everybody who campaigned so hard both for the remain and the leave sides. that is the agenda for the next prime minister of this country. i have concluded that that person cannot be me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's leadership. ( laughter ) ( applause ) excuse me. i have an announcement to make. i have an announcement to make. i have blown up the the bridge. now, everybody, across the river somehow! i'll stay here. ( laughter ) also, i just heard that on the day of the brexit vote-- this is true-, brexit beat porn as google's most popular search term.
that is unbelievable. that there are people who just search for the word "porn." you guys know porn is available that's like going to the grocery store and asking, "excuse me, which aisle has the food?" in fact, there's so much porn on the web, i bet that if you google "brexit," you'll get porn anyway. maybe a video of a guy going-- ( british accents ) ding-dong! i say, did somebody order some bangers and mash! ( as british woman ) yes, i did! but however shall i pay for it now that they've devalued the pound? ( as british man ) well, my lady, i could give you a very valuable pound. ( cheers and applause ) they don't call me "big ben" for nothing. ( laughter ) then they both close their eyes and think of england. and you know what, guys.
close your eyes right now and think of jon batiste and stay human. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sorry. it's friday. what are you going to do. you have to give into it. i'm excited. summer has officially arrived, and i couldn't be happier, because summer means giant hollywood blockbusters. and i'm a sucker for them. everywhere you look right now, there are ads for big summer movies with clever taglines. you might not realize it, but a lot of work goes into writing each of those little taglines, and they don't always get them right on the first try. so tonight, we're going to look at some of the early attempts, in our segment, "first drafts!" >> no, no! stupid,
>> ah. >> stephen: all right. let's take a look at some movie taglines before they perfected them. all right. first up. here's a good example. here's the poster for "independence day: resurgence." you can see the tagline is "we had 20 years to prepare. so did they." all right? but the first draft-- that's what they came up with. but the first draft said, "for 20 years, will smith said 'no.' so we just made it without him." ( cheers and applause ) based on a true story right here. you ever see "ben-hur." >> jon: no, i didn't see that. >> stephen: they're doing a remake of "ben-hur." and they've already got the poster out for the summer. en
the tagline is "first to finish. last to die." pretty dramatic. pretty effective. but the first tagline was, "ben hur, done that." accurate. i saw this one this weekend. i saw "finding dory." have you seen that? >> jon: i haven't seen that. >> stephen: waterworks, absolutely watered works. but you can't tell because they're under water. this is a great movie. the tagline is "she just kept swimming..." calls back the first movie. you love it. but the first tagline said, "serve with butter and lemon." didn't go over as well. didn't go over as well. they decided not to do that one. they decided not to do that one, though it does sound delicious. all right, all right. this one, i really enjoyed this, too. this has already come out this summer but it was a huge hit. here's the poster for "capta
it says, "united we stand, divided we fall." strong, american tagline. but the first draft was, "the fun kind of civil war, without all the slavery." it's true. it's not as fun. ( applause ) >> jon: aaah... >> stephen: they decided not to go with it. it's a first draft. that's why they didn't go with it. your reaction right now is why they didn't do that. that's why. that's why. you might have been in the focus group they used. this one-- i know these guys. we had kevin hart on. here's one for "central intelligence," with kevin hart and dwayne "the rock" johnson. they got a great tagline. "saving the world takes a little hart and a big johnson." which is really good. a nice, funny tagline. but it was originally, "coming up with puns about the rock is dwayne-ing." ( applause ) ( cheers )
the rock is actually an enormous guy. i'm very excited about this. "suicide squad" is one of the biggest movies of the year. i can't wait for it to come out. they have a really good simple tagline. "worst. heroes. ever." very simple. sells the idea. but the original one was, "the movie will smith did instead of 'independence day.'" anybody want it? there gu. that's it for "first drafts!" we'll be right back, with zachary quinto! what body aches? what knee pain? what sore elbow?
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( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back, folks. my first guest tonight is a star of television, film, and stage. his latest film is "star trek beyond." >> i think you should have this back. after all, it belonged to your mother. >> it is not in the vulcan custom to receive that which was given as a gift. >> you guys break up? what did you do? >> a typically reductive inquiry, doctor. >> you know, spock, an earth girlay
it's definitely you. >> stephen: please welcome, zachary quinto! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> a great theater, huh? great place. >> stephen: welcome back. >> thank you for having me back. i'm glad to be here. >> stephen: we haven't had a chance to talk about "star trek"" before. you were on last time for your play in new york. i'm an enormous fan. >> i know you are. >> stephen: of your particular rendition of spock. i loved leonard nimoy. i love the movies you're doing. it brings back great childhood memories of how good science fiction can be. >> how forward thinking it can be. w
much faith there can be in humanity, especially in the trek. >> stephen: first of all, i'm so sorry about the death of your friend. loss of such a talented actor. >> beautiful, beautiful guy. i don't even know how to talk about it. you know, we already knew that this would be a really bittersweet experience because of the loss of leonard last year, but this has just been absolutely devastating for all of us. and-- >> stephen: you guys have been working together since 2007, something like that? >> we shot the first movie. and, you know, i think our goal has to be to celebrate his incredible life and honor him as much as we can. you know, it was a terrible loss, not only to us, personally, but i think to the industry and audiences. he was such a talent. >> stephen: it's rare in, you know, what you do for, like, movie stars, i understand, it's rare to spend that much time with the same group of people because, first of all, you have to have a huge success. then you have to do multiple versions of it to
affect. but for the last, what, now-- >> better part of a decade. >> stephen: nine years. you guys have been working together. is it like family? >> i think we take it for granted in a lot of ways because we genuinely love each other so much. you hear people, "yeah, yeah, it's cool." but we are truly intertwined inextricably and i think we always will be in such a great way. we laugh like nobody's business. but we're very lucky to have each other. there's no question. it. and i think we are genuinely connected on a true level as a cast and friends even when we're not filming the movies. >> stephen: as i said, i love "star trek" and that series and these movies give me that hopeful, futuristic feeling. and there's a divide sometimes in the sci-fi community between "star trek" and "star wars." i have my own opinions about these two different worlds. >> yeah. >> stephen: growing up, were you a "star trek"
person. >> i grew up in the "star wars" generation so i had no choice, you guys, i couldn't-- my hands were tie gld it's not a bad choice. >> i think "star wars" especially when i was a kid appeals to the the visceral kind of adventure spirit, the action figures. i got really into that, "the ewalks -- >> stephen: i'm a hard-core sci-fi fan from golden age science fiction, and to me "star trek" is real science fiction. "star wars" takes place in space but seems more science fiction to me. it's space opera. >> it's true. it's been classified as such. but i think science fiction indicates a kind of intellectual pursuit, like an ideological exploration of where we're going as a civilization, as a species. >> stephen: exactly. i think science fiction is an outgrowth of the enlightened idea of a perfectal humanity. >> which sometimes translates
boring. ( laughter ). >> stephen: not in this case. >> not now. but when i was a kid and that original series would come on, i would be like uck-- don't get mad at me. >> stephen: i'm not mad. i'm baffled. is it the the production-- is it because it's a bubbly green monster, and they go, "look, it's pure energy." >> and they're smashing computers that were clearly made out of cardboard. >> stephen: but in the future we can make computers out of cardboard, don't you understand? >> we can 3d print them out of anything we want. >> stephen: the original, gene roddenberry, the original cast, when they couldn't afford the monster they would just say, "it's a creature of pure energy" and project light. and that's how they would save money. that's tv, baby. >> that is tv from the 60s. the great part about being a part of this reimagining of the franchise is this version of it is the opposite of that. it takesse
explorations and infuses them with all of the action and all of the excitement that i think the original series aspired to, and sometimes achieved, but notes always. for me it was the motion pictures. the original cast in the motion pictures. the wrath of kahn and then it started to change for me and brought me in, in a way. >> stephen: you have to do that, you know, on a big screen when shatner is acting that hard. >> you do. >> stephen: it wouldn't fit on a tv. you're also playing glenn greenwald in the new movie about snowden. >> which comes out just after "star trek"." oliver stone directed that one. >> stephen: greenwald, of course, is a less-known character in this. explain to the people who greenwald is. >> greenwald is the journalist who joined with edward snowden to ultimately release the
were the subject of all that controversy. and this movie uses that relationship as a portal to the flashbacks to explore snowden's decision and the path that he took to arriving there. >> stephen: do you think it's time for snowden to come back and face the music? >> you know, i've been-- there's a lot of press actually right now-- i was just reading this article. he's on the cover of "new york" magazine this week because of the way the technology has allowed him to circumvent his exile in russia. they have this thing called the snow bot, a maneuverable screen that can go places and represent him. >> stephen: i have seen it. it's like an ipad on a seg segway, basically. >> but he can go places and give speeches and interact with people and see what they see and they can see him. and-- >> stephen: i'll tell you what i think upon i think that robots will eventually go to gitmo. better watch it.
>> very true. git-bot, is. >> stephen: don't waterboard them. don't wateraboard them. congratulations on "star trek beyond" and the new snowden movie. >> stephen: "star trek beyond" will be in theaters on july 22. zachary quinto, everybody! we'll be right back with natasha lyonne. caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®. has more high-speed data nowthan ever before.reless... we're talking double the data for just 10 bucks more.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: now, listen, let me start out by saying something i tonight think i've said on to a guest yet. you smell fantastic. >> i have to say i am shocked to hear that. >> stephen: really? do you usually not smell good? >> i mean-- listen, i can't really smell myself. which i think is the case with most people. and i think that's how things usually take a dark turn. >> stephen: yeah. >> no, i would think i probably smell like, off the record, which is pretty hard to do here, like nicotine. you whan i mean? >> stephen: no. >> do you like that smell? >> stephen: whatever you smell like right now, give me $5 worth of that. yeah. >> i could come to your house. i could just blow some smoke on you and then chew some gum around you. that's my scent. >> stephen: that's fantastic. maybe i just like the smell of new york city. >> i smell like new york city! i smell like the new york s
system! ( cheers and applause ) i will say whenever i land at j.f.k., speaking as a real new yorker, i always have such a thrill when i walk into the public bathroom. i'm like, "ah! this is real new york!" guinto these fancy airports -- >> stephen: you really are a real new yorker. you sound like real deal. >> thank you. >> stephen: like you have the real new york accent. i wish i had that. i'm flavorless, i feel like i come from nowhere. >> i picked that up but it's working for you. and that's what's important. >> stephen: congratulations on "orange is the new black." >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: here's the thing, i hope this isn't a spoiler in any way, but the fact that you're here means you're on this season. >> yes. >> stephen: and people weren't entirely sure because you weren't on the show a lot last season. did you have to keep it a secret that you were coming back? >> yes, it's a very high-stakes situation. spoilers. everybody is bananas for
so, yeah, i was doing some, you know, press stuff. they keep asking me, like-- dodging questions. "are you coming back to the show? are you coming back to the show?" i had to be like, "what are you colombo? what are you cagney? 'entertainment weekli'. requested luck. of." and i made john snow references saying thing like john snow is the nikki nichols of "games of thrones." stop flipping that around. i'm doing that guy a favor. i get through this whole day gangbusters. i did not reveal a single spoiler. and i go-- i was visiting my boyfriend, tiny airport in burbank-- this story is so long-- and then it's an empty airport. and i'm really patting myself on the back, like, "good job, kid." >> stephen: you made it through
reveal anything. >> yeah. and then a nice, lovely t.s.a. agent says, "i'm such a big fan of the show. are you coming back this year?" and without looking, without blinking, i said, "yes, of course." ( laughter ) such a weird moment. >> stephen: he legally could detain you at that point. >> so, of course, then i go full-scale panic. one thing leads to another-- nothing happened. that's the point of the story. everything's fine. >> stephen: i got this photograph right before i came out here. you've been in the business for a long time. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're used to dealing with keeping spoilers. what are you doing here? what are you on? ( laughter ). >> yeah. big-time spoiler show. "peewee's playhouse. displvment what a fantastic show. was that your first show. >> yes. >> stephen: what an incredible thing to start on. >> nothing better than that. >> stephen: your dad was a boxing promoter? >> that's a fact, yes. >> stephen: and this is you helping yourad
a boxing promotion right there. you were the ring girl? >> instead of a hot piece in a bikini with the the cards, "round 2," et cetera. that's what i would do. ( laughter ) because my father loved me. so that's what i would do. >> stephen: i understand that you were just-- "orange is the new black" had a float in the pride parade here in new york. what was that like? was that an exciting thing to do? i understand it's a very energetic parade? >> float, flow, uh-huh, a float is a real event. ( laughter ) you know? >> stephen: was there a theme to it? were you guys in orange? >> no, no, no. i was wearing a visor. "make america gay again." ( cheers and applause ) i mean, that was a top-tier, custom-made visor, i'll have you displn were you wearing anything else? >> no, it's a pride parade! you don't want to overdo it. it was very hot.
>> oh, yeah, we did uzo, who plays crazy eyes. and sarah reilly, the three of us we went to brazil. we did it in sao paulo. it was a terrific float. >> stephen: was this for carnival? >> it was for a pride parade. it was an inspirational day. everybody made homemade posters, port you geese. nikki said ( bleep ) great. and cut to the end of the story, bieber mania. >> stephen: bieber mania? >> have you experienced anything like this. i've been around a long time never in my life have i been that important. >> stephen: they were treating you like justin bieber. i thought they mistook you for justin bieber. >> if only, if only,
all be so lucky. that's a joke. ( laughter ) no, they just-- when we left they were like-- people were jumping on us and so excited. and we got in the car, and they were just throwing their bodes. i never experienced anything like that in my life. i've never been michael jackson. >> stephen: congratulations on "orange is the new black" and the the new season. season four of "orange is the new black" is now streaming on netflix. natasha lyonne, everybody. we'll be right back with 2 chainz. ♪ rock-a-bye stacy, your day is through. ♪ ♪ cause sealy's support is perfect for you. ♪ only the sealy hybrid has posturepedic technology to support you where you need it most. se aly. proud supporter of you. ♪ i'm free to do what i want and have a good time.♪ the ford freedom sales event is on! and zero for 72 is back! on 2016 ford focus, fusion and escape.
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( bleep ). >> inside here is the most expensive bottled water. so let's see. >> why do you gotta have this-- messed pup. >> this costs $100,000. because you cannot buy this, kind of-- actually, it's just been made nine times in this world. and this whole experience is the ultradiamond luxury collection of beverly hielz 90210. >> what are you paying $100,000 for, brother? >> do you see this? that's 14 karat real diamonds. >> stephen: please welcome 2 chainz. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ good to see you.
>> stephen: you're looking good. i like that outfit. >> thank you, i just bought it today. >> stephen: and that shirt is from your company. >> the c.e.o. millionaires. >> stephen: you bought me one, too. are these shirts for millionaires or for c.e.o.s? >> no, this shirt is actually designed to create the next c.e.o., to create the next entrepreneur, to encourage the millennials, to spark the young lady in the community that has the next big idea. c.e.o. is about creating every opportunity. >> stephen: that's what c.e.o. stands for? >> creating every opportunity. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. >> and so t-shirt is the start. be looking for big things coming up in the future. ( applause ).
dumb question, please forgive me if this is a question you have heard too many times-- why 2 chainz? what does 2 chainz mean? >> >> i had an original rap name. my original rap name was ( bleep ) boy. >> stephen: do you mind spelling that? ( laughter ) am i spelling that correctly? am i spelling that correctly? >> with an "i" at the end. >> stephen: my apologies. >> that's actually-- like i'm an only child. i'm real close to my mom. it was a childhood name. people in my family were calling me this. >> stephen: really? >> when i first got my deal, i was with ludacris, it didn't sit well with everyone. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ( bleep ) boy! >> i knew i always had the juice, you know. so 2 chainz was something that i-- as a baby, i wore jewelry, a part of my lifestyle. but to put some substance behind
( laughter ). >> stephen: magic water? >> we need-- we-- i need more of this. so i think it's, like, i don't know, it might be a placebo. >> stephen: well, this is an actual-- this is something that you all brought here. this is a serious can of popcorn. this is one of the things you're covering on the show? >> yes, so for the third season-- i'm doing the third season right now, i've done everything from the $1500 sun se to the most expensive popcorn. the reason it's the most expensive it has the most expensive salt on it. they went way over there. >> stephen: wow, wow! that's a long way, man. that is a long way. >> you know, i made them give me some. i have some salt they use sparingly. and then it has-- it's something about putting gold on everything-- >> stephen: can i get a little dpliften as i
>> there it is. >> stephen: this is carmel corn. >> this right here. they sell this right here for $5 a kernel. $5. and they put it in a little baggy like you're buying it off an alley. ( cheers and applause ) that's, like, $65 worth of popcorn right there. >> stephen: and where can the budget conscious buy some of this? where do you get this? >> i'm sure you have the the web site. yeah. if y'all watch the third season you'll see this is one of the strange things that i try. >> stephen: it's really good. >> but it's good, though. >> stephen: you know what it tastes like-- >> i know what it tastes like. >> stephen: it tastes like carmel corn. >> crackerjack. a little prize at the bottom. >> stephen: it is the crack of crackerjack. >> anyway, these experiences, like,. this is what's going on. this is what, like, moves m
i'm actually meeting people for the first time that really care about popcorn and-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: you've got a great job, man. >> yeah. somebody has to do it. >> stephen: well, congratulations. congratulations on the new show. it's lovely to meet you. "most expensivist ( bleep )" is on the gq channel. 2 chainz, everybody. who wants this? come on!
♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks, my next guest tonight is a video game speed runner with the world record for beating "super mario bros. 3". please welcome mitch fowler. mitch, thank you so much for being here. for the uninitiated, mitch, what's a speed runner? >> someone who beats a game as a matter of fact you possibly can. >> stephen: how quickly can you beat "super mario bros. 3"? >> three minute andig
seconds. >> stephen: that's your record. the whole thing, save the princess and everything. >> yeah. that's about as long as it takes a track team to run the 4x400 relay. do you think you could finish all of "super mario bros. 3" faster than it takes four athletes to run a mile? >> yeah, i think so so. >> stephen: your time, the 3:08, is about the time it takes a human being to cook and eept a hot pocket, all right. >> all right. >> stephen: do you think you could beat "mario 3" as a matter of factoas a matteroffaster tha. >> yeah. i accept that challenge and it's time for the inaugural "late show" three-legged race! welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the "late show" "three-legged race where we promise someone will be fastest at something.
for play-by-play, let's turn it over to cbs sports' own ian eagle. iain. >> stephen, thanks very much. welcome to an unprecedented cbs sports event. i have never, in all my career, enjoyed this many adult beverages before a job. that's true. at the tube television, we have mitch fowler, a.k.a. mitch flower power, the "super mario bros 3" world-record holder. at the microwave, we have stephen colbert, with a box of standard-issue pepperoni hot pockets. and at new york city's armory track and field center, we have the columbia university men's 4x400 team. ( cheers and applause ) is everybody ready? >> stephen: yes, i'm starving! >> racers, to your marks. ( gunfire ) it's a clean start! it's noah larteeg on the first
at level one. stephen colbert tears open his hot pocket box like a man possessed. no surprise, mitch is flying through this first level. this is like a college professor dominating kindergarten. larteeg's setting a nice pace, entering the home stretch on that first lap right as mitch completes level one. the venue is the armory. it's an indoor track, so each runner will actually complete two laps before handing off the baton, eight laps total for just over a mile. and everyone has their own pitfalls to avoid. mario could die. a runner could drop the baton. colbert could set the timer instead of actually starting the microwave. makes you wonder how mario would do on a real track. first hand-off for columbia-- this is crucial-- and they nailed it. brian browne takes over with a new head of steam. we are neck and pixelated neck here so far. third level is a big one for mitch. it's where he collects his first warp whistle. he needs two for his run
we have some breaking news. stephen has picked a non-carousel microwave. he has to stop and rotate the hot pocket by hand. that's a huge mental error from colbert! mitch's first major move is the white platform trick, to disappear behind the scenery. this is no holds barred. he's pulling out all the stops. browne starts his last lap, taking that turn right as mitch collects that first warp whistle. again, this is one of two that he needs. browne setting a very nice pace on that back stretch, digging deep. mitch will now make his way to the castle, as browne comes around the bend into his final stretch. mitch is still cooking. colbert is cooking hot pocket. the second handoff is to ron busby, who grabs the stick with no issues. mitch leaps over some lava chasms. colbert, still waiting for his hot pocket to reach peak temperature,ea
enjoying the hot pocket, but it is hot. busby sprinting to the end of the lap. mitch zeroes in on that second whistle. mitch now has both of the columbia is cruising. columbia looking to make the final. y this is going to be very tight. here comes calvin. mitch, he's got to be careful. very precise series of movements to trigger the game-winning pledge. calvin entered the turn before the final lap. it all comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen. we are waiting to see if it is columbia, is it mitch, or is it colbert? it's the final lap. columbia pushing hard.
mitch triggering the secret door. yelnats calvin screaming down the back turn as stephen colbert shovels piping-hot dough and filling into his mouth. colbert wins it! >> stephen: wooo! wooo! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen colbert an upset winner. >> stephen: it's over, baby. it's over. >> incredible! incredible display in the inaugural "late show" three-legged race. >> stephen: iain eagle, everybody. mitch, thanks very much. iain eagle, always a thrsh to have you here check out "summer games done quick," a 24-hour live stream for charity,