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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 24, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> the cubs are going to the world series! yes, after 71 years of waiting, the cubbies have won the pennant and are facing off against the cleveland indians starting tuesday night, all thanks to a strong pitching cubs bats and the dark assistance of azmalor, the evil wizard who the manager signed a blood compact with in exchange for the world series win. and the windy city is buzzing over the possibility he might fulfill his dark prophecy and bring the cubs their first wreez victory in more than 100 years. the cubs are favored against the indians thanks to the young hungry lineup as well as an
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village claim is as old as the stars themselves and can the form of a stag, a beautiful young maiden or even cubs g.m. jed hoyer, so tune in tuesday night and see if osmalord delivers on his promise that, yes, you will have your golden rings, trinkets all, but at a price you cannot fathom. ha ha, ha ha! go, cubs, go, and all hail ozmalor! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen! tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks! adam conover! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: grand slam! ( cheers and applause ) ? hey! welcome to "the late show." so glad you're here. i'm your host stephen colbert. i am in a fantastic mood tonight because the chicago cubs are going to the world series! (audience reacts) that's right. the world cup of baseball! and the cubs are playing another lovable loser, the cleveland indians. the two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. to put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels.
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( piano riff ) the last time the cubs were in the world series was in 1945, way back when they played hitler. ( laughter ) yeah. yeah. yeah. ( applause ) pretty good in the early game. then he popped out in the ninth inning, and that's how america won world war ii. that's true, won't find that in the history book, though. >> jon: that's right, no. >> stephen: cleveland, on the other hand, hasn't won a world series since 1948, w the least racist thing in america. chief wahoo. ( laughter ) golden age. speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, hillary clinton's in the news. ( laughter ) been a long time coming. been very patient. she's been very patient. ( applause )
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in fact, this picture of her reacting to the cubs win went viral over the weekend. she hasn't been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons. ( laughter ) it's a feel-good story-- a chicagoan is excited about the cubs win, is what hillary clinton wants you to believe! ( laughter ) because back in 2000, she wore a yankees cap! yeah! yeah! ( audience booing ) it's a baseball fandom scandal i'm calling, yank-ghazi! ? yeah. i was afraid the graphic wasn't coming up. ( laughter ) and this time, i'm not alone because the media has been digging into it. cnn is reporting that even though clinton "may have gone to cubs games with her father as a
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and around the same time she ran for senate in new york, the former first lady touted her her love for the new york yankees." how convenient. as a ten year-old she wears a cubs hat. a mere 40 years later, she's in a yankees hat. is there no hat she won't wear? okay, there's one. ( cheers and applause ) so let's keep a close eye on her during the world series. we know she won't be rooting for the yankees because they already lost. at this point, that's like voting for trump. ( cheering ) but no matter what happens to the cubs, hillary clinton is already the winner, because she's decided to stop talking about donald trump, explaining, "i debated him for four and a half hours. i don't even think about
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yes, hillary says she's not giving any thought to what trump says. so that makes both of them. ( laughter ) ( applause ) trump clearly feeds on attention, so by denying it, we can starve him. monologue not talking about donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) here we go. so, magnificent fall weather this weekend. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: beautiful. the leaves are changing color. there's a maple tree in my front yard that turned bright orange. okay. no, you can do this. you can do this.
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coming up. everyone's looking for a jack o'lantern...dammit. ( laughter ) don't give up, don't give up. okay, never mind. (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) donald trump -- ( applause ) this weekend, he gave a speech in gettysburg, where the union turned the tide against the confederate. i guess trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt the country for generations. he started strong, with all the gravity of this sacred ground. >> president lincoln served in a time of division like we have never seen before. it is my hope that we can look at his example to heal the divisions we are living through right now. we are a very divided nation. >> stephen: it's true.
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because the election's rigged and those who think he'll lose because it's not. ( cheers and applause ) and to his credit, donald trump stayed focused on his message of uniting the country... for about 60 seconds. and then -- >> every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my total fabrication. all of these liars will be sued after the election is over. >> stephen: yes, he will take all of these women to court, but at least when he's swearing in, they'll know where his hands are. ( cheers and applause ) and trump continued to unite the
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>> the dishonest mainstream media is also part and a major part of this corruption. they lie and fabricate stories to make a candidate that is not their preferred choice look as bad and even dangerous as possible. >> stephen: yes, the media is making trump look bad. for instance, they covered this speech. ( cheers and applause ) it took a second. and, of course, he also played the hits, putting a new spin on this campaign classic. >> remember, i said mexico is paying for the wall, with the full understanding that the country of mexico will be reimbursing the united states for the full cost of such a wall. okay?
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"reimburse" us for the wall? you said mexico would pay for it! paying for something is very different than reimbursing. you can't take a date out for dinner, make her pay, and then say, "just send me an invoice." ( laughter ) or maybe you can. i can't believe -- ( cheers and applause ) i can't believe you'd go to gettysburg and give a speech that was so far from the spirit it's just ridiculous! >> well, that's not true, stephen. >> stephen: ghost of abraham lincoln! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello! hello, everyone! >> stephen: thank you for being here, mr. ghost lincoln! >> my pleasure, stephen. good to see you. >> stephen: always good to see you, sir. abe, were you shocked by trump's speech at gettysburg? >> no, it reminded me of my address. >> stephen: but they were
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my advisors made me tone it down. would you like to hear some of it? >> stephen: of course! would you like to hear it, ladies and gentlemen? ( cheers and applause ) well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, the rough draft of the gettysburg address. >> four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that i did not proposition those women. they're liars! and just look at them. they wouldn' and when i said, "grab them by the petticoat," that was merely log cabin talk! i will sue those lying jezebels into the ground! the consecrated ground in which our brave soldiers now lie. sad! that's why we resolve that this nation, under god, shall make america great again, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth...
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otherwise, the whole civil war is rigged. jefferson davis is a bad hombre! lock him up! lock him up! >> stephen: ghost abraham lincoln, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here! stick around! we've got a great show for you tonight! tom hanks is here! and when we return he's going to reprise the role that made him famous. so stick around. (band playing) ( cheers and applause ) from the first moment you met it was love at first touch and all you wanted to do was surround them in comfort and protection that's why only pampers swaddlers is the #1 choice of hospitals
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okay, you guys are all set. thank you. for all their new devices. you can't break me. you want a piece of cake? switching to fios is easier than ever. we'll set you up, and connect your devices to the new wi-fi. and there's no cost to cancel early if you change your mind within 30 days. this is your last chance to switch to super fast 100 meg internet, plus tv and phone for just $69.99 per month online, guaranteed with a 2 year agreement. hurry, this offer ends soon. go to getfios.com or call 1.888. get fios to learn more. ss out on our best offer ever. 100 meg internet, plus tv and phone for just $69.99 per month online. only from fios. >> c'mon, where is it? where is that?
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that old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. what about -- ( cheers and applause ) zoltar! zoltar! i've finally found you again! come on... zoltar! zoltar! >> stephen: yes! oh, jeez! yes! the all-knowing zoltar remembers you well! i wanna say -- tim something? ( laughter ) >> tom. tom hanks. >> stephen: yes.
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>> no, it was "big!" >> stephen: right. wait, who's in "the santa claus?" >> that's tim allen. >> stephen: you're not him? >> no! >> stephen: okay. no need to yell. what can the all-knowing zoltar do for you? >> well, last time we met, i was be older. so you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30-year-old. i need you to do that again. >> stephen: your wish is to be 17 years older? >> no! no, no, no! no. i want you to turn me 30 again! >> stephen: but don't you remember the heart-warming lesson you learned last time?
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i learned being older isn't always what it's cracked up to be. a lesson i'm constantly learning at my age! the other day i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and i swear i heard my hip snap. come on, make me 30! >> stephen: ok, what's in it for lt >> oh, right... i think i have a quarter. >> stephen: seriously, a quarter? zoltar requires your eternal soul. >> i can't do that. >> stephen: why not?! >> i sold it to raise money for "that thing you do." >> stephen: oh, really.
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>> thank you. charlize theron's second job. >> stephen: tim allen's great in that. >> i'm in that. >> stephen: i thought you were the guy from "toy story." >> i am. tim's in "toy story," too. >> stephen: "toy story 2?" i thought you both were in all three of them. >> we are. >> stephen: you see why zoltar's confused? >> who's on first! >> stephen: look -- >> stephen: who's the eternal one here? >> all right, sorry. >> stephen: look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. >> anything! >> stephen: will you read my screenplay? >> oh, you have a screenplay? what's it about? >> stephen: it's about a carnival fortune telling machine. kind of an everyman. after he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up
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>> i kind of feel like i've seen that one before. and sorry, but i'm not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. >> stephen: you fool! you're way too old to play me. i was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. i can't find the slot. sorry. >> boing. all right, fine. fine, i'll take it. fine, okay. ( cheers and applause ) can you please just make me 30 again? granted. you shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. >> awesome! that means tonight's my last chance to see "inferno" with a senior discount! bye zoltar! >> stephen: bye tim! we'll be right back with tom hanks! oh, he's good! (band playing) ( cheers and applause )
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and "stay human"! give it up for the band, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight is an oscar-winner but more importantly he's tom hanks. please welcome tom hanks! (band playing) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: working on a new project over there? >> yeah, working on this a little bit. this ain't gonna work, that ain't gonna work. just changing this.
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budget. a great way to start any film is with exterior hawaii beach. that's not funny. by the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings. >> stephen: yeah. you had to play for about 20 minutes there ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned there is no crying in baseball. >> there's gonna be. you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and three-legged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. but you do not do three long hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching the cleveland indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland
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it wasn't like petco park or dunkin' donuts field -- cleveland municipal lake front stadium. holds 90,000 people. i would be there on a give fen night with 4,800 -- ( laughter ) -- watching the human rain delay hargrove. so i'm yeah, cubs great. i'm rooting for the cleveland indians to win the world series. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. ( applause ) now, listen northside boy, you little denison of wrigleyville -- >> stephen: i live two blocks away. spent my 30th birthday there. >> oh, shut up. who cares? ( laughter ) look, i want the tribe to win,
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i will accept the seventh game in cleveland, by the way, deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. larry dobie, the ghost of larry dobie is on deck. the ghost of rocky calavito is in the box. who do you want to pitch for the cubs? who's your great relief pitcher? >> stephen: who is the greatest relief pitcher for the ? >> stephen: who? chapman. like he knew. ( laughter ) >> stephen: come on, first base is -- >> all right, all right, fine! this is what i want -- low-hanging curve of the scores tied, by the way. >> stephen: 20-20. been a great game, by the way. it has lasted six and a half hours.
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center. hanging up there, is the wind blowing out? might be. is it going to out? who's circling under the wall and might catch it? >> stephen: the ghost of shawn. >> some legendary club. is it going in or out? who's going to win the game? armageddon. four horsemen of the apocalypse, earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end because quite root for the right team. stick your pins in me now, i'm rooting against the cubs. >> stephen: you probably get mail as opposed to email. >> i do, yes. i'll get mail. >> stephen: i don't mean that's an insult. >> i'll get mail. >> stephen: and you also, do you know, some say that's the
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>> fabulous meg ryan. >> stephen: i was sick one day, watched it three times -- >> cried like a baby. >> stephen: i did. i love you, shop girl. >> stephen: you take a type writer. >> i have been known to take a type writer to the baseball game. >> stephen: why? it's like scoring the game. off narrative. >> stephen: do you have a stogie and hat? >> i sit up on a little thing. there are dodgers games and we go. i love baseball. but the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you're write on the score called tay! means strike out. so it's a big fat capital k,
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period, period, period. backspace, backspace, backspace. shift 8, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe -- because that makes an explanation mark, you see -- close parentheses. so i think whoever it is walking back -- yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didn't get it, i struck out. i think they hear me typing that up in my little box, sit down! clack clack clack backspace, backspace, backspace! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this might be the angriest i've ever seen tom hanks. >> well, you know. >> stephen: nicely done. well, keeps you in the game. >> stephen: anger's good for the blood. >> after six and a half bears you get worked up. >> stephen: you recently turned 60 years old. >> yes. >> stephen: okay!
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>> wasn't hard. >> stephen: did 60 hit you hard? >> no, it's not a real accomplishment. you become 60 by essentially weight. >> stephen: inertia. 36 was hard. when i turned 36. >> stephen: why? because 36 is the year for my body shape, anyway, that your metabolism slows down and suddenly you have been living essentially on top of ding dongs and at 36 it starts to show. >> stephen: not at all. no, the butt goes and stuff starts coming out of your skin. but 60 is nothing. i'll show you how strong i am. >> stephen: punch me. do i get to punch you back or is this a one-sided thing? >> oh -- how old are you? >> stephen: i'm 52, but a frail 52. go ahead. do what you need to.
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ready? all right. i'm going to lean into this. i'm going to rear back -- ready? ( laughter ) did i kick you as well? >> stephen: yes, yes. are you okay? >> look what i did to myself. i threw my shoulder out. >> stephen: oh, my god. we shout that in imax. >> you all rig go ahead. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, you know where that came from -- downtown. >> what is this? this is a new things celebrities on talk shows are doing when we don't like where the panel is going. i'm giving you a yellow card. >> stephen: hope i don't get the red. back with more tom hanks.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back! we're here with our friend tom hanks! ( cheers and applause ) excited about the new movie >> robert langdon. i keep trying to call them the robert langdon series. but everybody is saying are you making another da vinci code? i'm making another robert langdon mystery. "inferno." it's coming out. >> stephen: you're robert langdon and trying to save the world again? >> exactly, always.
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>> who knows. hangs in the balance. >> stephen: we have a clip here. >> do we know? >> stephen: i don't know either. that will be exciting. jim? >> right above the hall, 500. stairway leading to the street on the other side. so. one step at a time. yeah. good. ( cracking ) chin up! ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: wow! that was great! heavily invested. i saw more of that clip.
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>> stephen: where is that? in the pilazzo vekio, called the hall of 500 because in the old days with the big dresses they could fit 500 people in there. it was a gorge place. i can't believe they're letting us shoot there because you're surrounded literally by masterpieces everywhere. >> stephen: when another one of these books come out, do you call ron, or does he call you? because it must be so fun for you to go, where do i get to go this time? you go to the most beautiful places. >> i do and i read them with my google page open because every time they make a reference to a place or art history, i look it up and say, man, hope we get to shoot there. and we do. we were in florence for weeks. i would walk to work literally with a cappuccino in the morning
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veccio with antiquities, it's a great gig. >> stephen: yeah -- ( laughter ) >> i love working with ron. he drives us nuts. but it's a very fun scavenger hunt movie. >> stephen: the opening question of the movie is if you could push a button and kill half of humanity, knowing that if you didn't push it mankind would be extinct in 1 would you do it? >> it's about overpopulation and the numbers are adding up. >> stephen: tom hanks, if you could push a button and it would kill half of humanity knowing if you didn't all of us would die, what would you do supposedly nice person tom hanks i? >> that's an interesting question, but i'm sorry, i'm going to have to go. >> stephen: all right. trying to make me look bad.
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maneuver. there's no right answer to that question. >> stephen: big fan of star trek. >> on every day at 6:00. >> stephen: did you ever want to be on one of the movies or the series? >> i would like to be the guy in the red shirt that gets killed on the planet, you know. >> stephen: any other disappointments of roles you really would have liked to have played? >> oh, dear lord. well, listen, i drove home once from the valley all bummed out thinking that that's it, i can't do it, because i didn't get a call back to police academy, the first police academy. no, i'm serious. it was 82. something like that. you know, and if you are of a certain age, everybody in town knows what's casting. and this is a bonanza. there are 49 cops in this thing. there is no way. i'm as good as half those guys. come on. i could be funny enough.
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binz low, the guy that did the sound effects and stuff like that. was going to shoot in toronto. literally i got a, great, thank you. driving home in my honda civic bummed out. >> stephen: so no toronto, but you got florence. >> life is long, my friend, and just like turning 60, just wait, just wait. just wait, see what happens. >> stephen: here's something that happened, that i think made some people very happy. can yo here? what this photo is all about? >> that was -- is that me and ryan and -- >> stephen: that was central park. >> i was in central park. believe it or not, cat stephens was performing on the great lawn. ( singing cat stephens ) ? i'm being followed by a moon shadow ?
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? hopping on a moon shadow ? and i come across a wedding party getting their photograph taken. so i stopped off, right by the reservoir. i said, hey, folks, how you doing? got the picture. the bride elizabeth was lovely. ryan was lovely in his way. ( laughter ) and i wished them the best. they had little ring bearers and whatnot. something i always say to everybody getting married. i say to the guy, you, sir, are ve and i say to the bride, and you could have done a little better. ( applause ) because that is my marriage in a nutshell. >> stephen: they always could. every map marries up. >> oh, without a question. i know i did. >> stephen: tom, thanks for being here. >> always a pleasure! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "inferno" opens this friday. tom hanks, everybody! we'll be right back with adam conover. (band playing)
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>> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a writer, comedian, podcaster, and now, the creator and host of "adam ruins everything" on trutv. please welcome, adam conover! (band playing) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. incredible to be here. thank you so much. >> stephen: i love the way you're dressed. very natty. >> i try to look good. i do my best. >> stephen: i'm sure you stand out in a crowd. >> yeah. >> stephen: what do you mean you ruin things? what does it mean to ruin something? >> it's the superficial idea of our show. it's an educational comedy show where i tell people awful truth about common misconceptions or cultural traditions we don't often examine. you're married, right?
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great. when you proposed, you got your fiance? an engagement ring? >> stephen: yes, i gave it to her later. >> we think of it as being an old tradition. but that was invented by the diamond cartel in the '30s to sell more diamond rings through a massive ad campaign, and everybody forgot about the campaign and now it's the bed rom tradition of our society. >> stephen: but a diamond is forever. >> yeah, kind of, you know -- >> stephen: yeah? yeah, and also they're not dermsz value. >> except there is a diamond cartel that controls almost the entire world's supply of diamonds so they restrict the supply to drive the prices up. >> stephen: they could have you killed for saying that. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. what are some of the favorite things you ruined? >> oh, jeez. >> stephen: and do you have joy at watching the light drain
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>> i surprise someone who has a misconception about the world. >> stephen: otherwise happy. and they say, oh, why do you have to ruin it for me?! and i show them it gives you more power in the world to know the truth snoof that's a philosophy, then? >> yes, i was a philosophy major in college. >> stephen: so was i for two years and then i decided to do something useful. ( laughter ) at the end of my freshman 2016, my first year of is it better to know or not to know. and there was no test all year. just that one. is it better to know or not to know and support your answer with philosophy. >> it's incredibly better to know. >> stephen: tell that to -- is it better to know? >> yes. >> stephen: i do not want to know what's in my hot dog. >> chicken, pork, beef.
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wonderful combination. >> stephen: what about the the fly eyes and rat tail, the stuff allowed to be in your hot dog. >> well, you can choose better which one to get. i believe there is no virtue in ignorance. >> stephen: you have a special come up, "adam ruins everything, election special." >> yeah, the "adam ruins everything, election special." >> stephen: and you have been traveling around the united states. >> yeah, we went on this tour bus, a bus with my face on it we drove to 15 cities country. this is us driving through the white sands desert which is a post-apocalyptic feeling to drive through a desert in a bus with your face on it. and an american flag. it made it very hard to be incog neat -- incognito. >> stephen: how do you ruin elections? >> there are so many people doing incredible comedy about the election. the one thing we thought we
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it. >> stephen: is there an historical perspective on this election. >> yes. >> stephen: who is like trump? a lot of examples. >> stephen: never been a woman. >> that is true. there are genuinely new things about the election, but people say, oh, we've never seen this before -- like the rhetoric name calling is so much worse. but in the jefferson wrote against john adams. jefferson hired a newspaper editor to write incredible slander about adams in the press, that he was horrible things. and everyone said when trump bragged about the size of his penis, that was -- oh, we can't
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lindenl.b.j. -- lyndon b. johnsn braghtd about the size of his penis. >> stephen: but in private. no, there is a very famous story where he pulled out his penis in front of reporters when asked why they were invading vietnam and he said this is why. he would whip it out in front of congress people in the capital bathroom and say, have you ever >> stephen: because he's from texas. >> exactly. ( laughter ) you know, so we can find those points of comparison and that can hopefully relieve our anxiety about the election because everyone is so upset. >> stephen: ruin orange juice. even orange juice that says 100% is artificially flavored. >> stephen: mouthwash. listerine was initially sold
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invented the term "halitosis" in the 30s to sell it as a mouthwash. >> stephen: tom hanks. oh, you can't ruin him. h he's perfect. ( cheers and applause ) > >> stephen: the "adam ruins everything, election special" is on trutv tomorrow night at 10:00. adam conover, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be will forte, dermot mulroney, and wyatt cenac. now stick around for james corden and his guests, nick offerman, ron howard, and aldis hodge. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right

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