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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 10, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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on earth. >> am i really that powerful. >> of course i am. now, night night. don't let the bed bugs bite. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight, we welcome will arnett. pete molless and comedian paul mecurio. with jon batiste and stay human. now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey. how are you? nice to see you.
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(cheers and applause) welcome to the late show. i am your host stephen colbert and man t is friday, right? there's no. >> (cheers and applause). >> stephen: and i just want to say these people are excellent liars because it is actually thursday right now. here's the deal, we taped this ahead of time, okay. we did this on thursday night. this is the second show we have done on thursday. and i'm only telling that you is because i want you to know it's thursday because we just learned minutes ago, this is true, that the 9th circuit court of appeals has ruled that george and amal clooney are having twins, everybody. so exciting, so exciting. >> jon: that's really nice. >> stephen: first jay-z and beyonce, now george amal. so exciting, next year they will fight in a pit, all for charity, obviously. doctors aren't telling us anything about the sex of the children, l
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takingly beautiful. also, and this is actually true, just moments ago the 9th circuit court has ruled that it is refusing to reinstate trump's travel ban. (applause). >> stephen: so things-- so things are staying the way they are. for now. and we'll have more on this story as nothing continues to happen. now now let's go back to pretending it's friday. everybody ready for the weekend, you guys? so ready. there's nothing like a friday crowd, you know, you know who could really use time off, high white house pretion secretary and how school wrestling coach you never thought you would run into, sean spicer, he has had a rough couple of weeks. for one melissa mccarthy ripped him a new spice hol
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saturday night live but the president, evidently, was not laughing because apparently trump thought a woman playing a man makes spicer look weak. first of all, i have met melissa mccarthy and she could kick the ass of every pan in that administration. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: but if the president thinks a woman portraying sean spicer makes him look weak, then he's really not going to like this picture we made of a little girl pretending to be donald 2ru6r7. (laughter) -- trump. and he's especially not going to like it when you retweet it at him with the hashtag larger hands. and, she could palm a basketball, that kid and while arguing for trump's travel ban, was this today, no, this was the last few weeks, while arguing for trump's travel ban, spicer evidently repeatedly cited the atlanta
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i don't remember any terror attacks in atlanta. and neither does cnn. >> what is the atlanta terror attack. >> still unclear what he's talking about. (laughter). >> stephen: by the way, still unclear what he's talking about is also trump's 2020 campaign slogan. (laughter) and he'll make it. he'll make it. he'll run again. he'll run again. now later spicer set the record straight in an email writing that when he repeatedly said "atlanta" on different occasions he clearly meant orlando. clearly. people get orlando and atlanta mixed up all the time. that's why you always hear civil war buffs talking about general sher man's burning of epcot. (laughter) i say we must never forget the attacks on atlanta or bowling green. because if we do, that's just pre7-11
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and turns out spicer is-- this is what we are hearing, that spicer has not been impressing the boss either. because apparently trump's been disappointed in spicer's performance and he's begun the search for a new communications director. yeah, he's got to find a new guy to go out there with the press. surely trump knows someone who can be calm and clear under pressure. >> you do not want to [bleep] with me! (laughter). >> stephen: i'll say this, meatloaf is less aggressive than spicer. and you can tell the pressure is getting to sean. when a reporter asked today why the president didn't tweet about a terror attack in canada but did tweet multiple times about nordstrom dropping ivanka's clothing line sean spicer got a little spicey. >> the complain president doesn't have to tweet about anything. he's tweeting about this, he's not tweeting about something else. >> i came out here and actuall
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>> the president's time. >> you are equating me addressing the nation here in a tweet. i mean that's the silliest thing i have ever heard. (laughter). >> stephen: really? sean? s that he's the silliest thing you've ever heard? sillier than the president of the united states tweeting out whatever turd floats to the top of the old punch bowl? surely, surely, sean,-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's silly? surely you're not suggest be, surely you're not suggesting that your press briefings are more important than the unfiltered opinions of the leader of the free world. i mean the white house press room, it's nice but it only has 49 seats. donald trump has 24 million twitter followers so let's be clear. the news is whatever he is saying on twitter. your job is to clean up after him. i mean in the circus, you would never say the elephant was less importanan
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shovels his poop. so let's just keep this in mind. that's the gig. things do not look good, sean. you might want to get a head start on your post retirement memoir long ties, big lies and made up crowd size, my crazy three weeks in the trump administration. i would buy that. i would-- say i had to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. well, valentine's day is next week. and there's nothing giving a nice card to your special some one. it is the kind of gesture that says my office is
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walgreen's. but even the best valentine's day cards had to start somewhere. and the people who write them don't always nail it on the first try. which is why tonight we're going to look at some early greeting card efforts in our segment first drafts. >> no, no, stid. >> stephen: all right, whenever we do first drafts i never do it alone. i always do it with someone to help me. let's go out here and see if there is someone who can help me do first drafts tonight. all right, somebody want to-- anybody? oh, thank you very much. sure, please. i would love it. thank you very much. come with me, please. thank you very much. all right. what's your name, please. >> patty. >> stephen: patty, patty what? >> smith. >> stephen: patty smith, everybody, say i had to patty smith. now
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day. >> thank you. >> stephen: do you drink? >> no. >> stephen: you don't drink, all right. >> well, yes, i do. >> stephen: you don't have to, i can drink it i only have one. >> okay, you have it. >> stephen: i have it, okay, i'll have that, fine. this turned out to be a good valentine's for me. patty, will you accept this rose. >> oh, thank you. beautiful. >> stephen: patty, do you have any allergies. >> no, i don't. >> stephen: you don't have any allergies, here is some chocolate, dig in right there. that's the real stuff, if you want a little chocolate right there. >> i think i will hold off. >> stephen: okay, well. >> it's beautiful. (laughter). >> stephen: i'll have the whole damn thing. you're a real romantic, patty. patty, are you here with your valentine tonight. >> yes, he's right out there in the audience. >> stephen: who is the gentlemen. >> roy. >> stephen: can we get a shot of roy out there. hey, roy. how long have you and roy been married? >> it will be 46 years in
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congratulations. that's fantastic. what i need your help is here, have you ever seen first drafts before. >> i haven't. >> stephen: this is how it works. i would like you to hold these and please keep them in that order. what i would like you to do like the magician assistant i would like you hand me the top card when i call for the next card. and let's start now. thank you very much. so what we do on first draft, patty, is i read you the final draft of a card and then i show you what the first draft was. which was not as successful as the final draft, are you on board? >> yes. >> stephen: do you understand the premise of the joke. >> yes. >> stephen: excellent. here is the first one. i kind of like this one. this is a cute one that says, you still drive me crazy. all right? that's nice. but the first draft, just the top one please, thank you very much. first draft said if you take out the garbage without replacing the bag one more time, i will put the bag over your head while you sleep
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while i got you here, there will probably be some people out there who aren't married or thinking about getting married. what is the secret of 46 years, patty? >> persistence. >> stephen: persistence. just keep grinding on. keep grinding on, no matter what. exslebts. all right. this is, i really like this one here. it says you make my heart skip a beat, but the first draft said, please stop feeding me so much sausage. very nice people, there you go. thank you very much. here is a valentine for the whole family that says friends may come and go but a sister is forever. nice. that's sweet. sweet. but the first draft said why didn't you make becky your maid of honor? do you have brothers and sisters. >> one brother. >> stephen: you havon
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>> yes. >> stephen: are you an older brother or younger brother. >> younger brother. >> stephen: are you a bossy older sister. >> i was. no longer. >> stephen: i'm sorry about that. all right. let's see. so here's a nice one it says on this valentine's day, i give all my love to you. okay? very sweet, very sweet, first draft wasn't quite as good. first draft said on this valentine's day i give half my love to you and half of my love to the jacksonville jaguars, go jags. do you have any plans for valentine's day? >> probably go swimming, go out to lunch. >> stephen: go swimming on valentines, is that traditional. >> indoor pool. >> stephen: you have an indoor pool. >> we belong to a club with an indoor pool. >> stephen: sounds leak a nice club, is there a valentine's event. >> no, tuesday, we go swimming on tuesday.
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>> stephen: got you. this one says, this one says alice, will you be my valentine. but this one, the first draft of this one said sarah, will you be my valentine, i hope so. otherwise i will ask alice. very specific. (applause). >> stephen: do you guys have kids. >> we do, three kids, six grand children. >> stephen: wow, are all the kids married now? >> yes. >> stephen: are you happy with the loved ones that your children have found? >> absolutely. >> stephen: okay frk you say no, i will just cut it out of the show. you can be totally honest. here's one, it says you've got the biggest heart of anyone i know, all right. but the first draft said, seriously, the sausage is killing both of us. another sausage card. so important. the first sausage card. check this oneou
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how do i love thee, let me count the ways. but the first version said, i love thee two different ways, three if it's your birthday. well, patty, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you, bring this to your husband. bring this to your husker and this to your husband too. patty smith, everybody. we'll be right back with will arnett. ♪ ♪ so tasty. ♪ ♪
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now you might think it's a little odd that the wilsons have a half house, but they think it's a little odd to pay for uploads that aren't up to speed. get 150 meg internet with equal uploads and downloads, tv and phone for just 79.99 per month online for one year. visit getfios.com or call 1-888-get-fios to learn more. that's 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79.99 per month. cable can't offer speeds this fast at a price this good. only fios can. (applause). >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks, my first guest tonight is an emmy nominated actor wh
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voices batman in the lego batman movie. >> you can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black listening to angry music and staying up all night. >> yes, i can. cuz i'm batman. >> don't you think it's time you finally face your greatest fear? >> snakes? >> no. >> clowns. >> no. >> snake clowns. >> bruce, your greatest fear is being part of a family again. >> nope, now it's snake clouds because you put that idea in my head. >> stephen: please welcome will arnett. (cheers and applause)
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>> lovely to see you again. >> lovely to see you too. you know, they say a sign of a genius is a guy without wears a blue suit. >> stephen: yeah, yes. >> looks like we have a couple of guys if blue suits. >> stephen: slowly disappearing too that chair. >> i know. >> stephen: you're a floating head. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm always struck when i see you that you are much taller than i this? right over there, i didn't-- usually if somebody is like-- i know is considerably taller than me, i've got enough of an ego that i stay on one of the steps an don't go all the way down to the floor. i made the mistake of going all the way up to you, and i was greeting your neck tie. >> i get that a lot. people say you're much taller. i guess it is an compliment. i don't know. because i seem shorter. >> stephen: so, because you can not tell on television. >> yeah, that's true. >> stephen: it's very hard with voice over aking to know how tall the guy is. >> that's true. >> stephen: now very excited about the lego b
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i love the lego movie. and obviously batman breakout star. >> well, you know. >> stephen: they don't make a movie if it's not the breakout star, lego batman. >> i suppose, i suppose. it was an experiment on their part. >> stephen: that's a compliment. >> yes. >> stephen: that's a compliment. >> i don't know how to deal with compliment. >> stephen: no? just say thank you. >> thank you. >> stephen: you disn do that very well. now bruce wayne, batman. >> yeah. >> stephen: is he bruise bruce wayne in the lego batman too? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: bruce wayne, not all that mentally well, billionaire who puts his name on a lot of things and lives in a big house. thinks he's the only one who can save the world. >> where is -- he wears a bath robe a lot. >> stephen: yeah. open in the front. >> you saw the clip. >> stephen: yeah does it remind you of anybody. >> does it remind me of anybody? just off the top of
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>> stephen: last time we were together, i done know, nine months or something like, that was before the election and we were on the show, we were toying with the idea that maybe you and i run for president. >> sure. >> stephen: at some point. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: we decided against it. >> we did decide against it because at the time we didn't realize how low the threshhold was. >> stephen: and you and i know that we're completely unqualified for the job. >> absolutely. that would be our platform, right. we are beyond unqualified. >> stephen: this is a huge mistake, 2016. >> sure. >> stephen: yeah. who do you think-- without do you think president, without do you think vice president. i would like to be the president, but again, you're taller. >> yeah. >> stephen: and that tends to go to the president. >> i just think for people's security, like feeling secure, the tall guy should be. but it's just-- it's an illusion, if you will. >> stephen: right? i could get some lifts. >> that's fine. i want to you say, we're ar
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you might-- . >> stephen: i want to say that too. >> i know. >> stephen: i really-- i really want to say that. how old are you? >> i'm a 46 year old man. >> stephen: we're around the same age. >> you see. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, is what i would like to say. >> i like to say that i'm closer to 30 than i am a hundred. cuz that's a fact. >> stephen: i am too. >> there you go. i had to do a little math there. now you, are you totally ready to get politically involved here. here you are, you were in london why were you in london. >> i was shooting a film in the beautiful country of wales for a couple of mopts. >> stephen: what was the movie. >> a fun family movie coming out next year. >> stephen: you can't say what it is. >> i can't really-- it's called show dogs, i'm lying about that i can't say it. see again, i'm qualified to be president. >> stephen: you were at the women's march in london, there
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>> yeah, yeah. (applause) that was-- that was a really-- that was a really special day, the women's march was incredible and i said this before, the greatest part for me was getting a text from my mom and her saying how proud she was and that meant a lot to me. i have a lot of important women in my life including my moms and my sisters. my position is i will be damned if they will be treated like second class citizens. so. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: are have you marched, you have done any political action, done any marching in the states? >> i have not really done any political action-- or marching, rather, in the states. >> stephen: i was wondering if there was a difference between here or there. >> what was great being there was, let's bring it down for a minute. what was great being there was when you realized the impact that this country has on a global scale. and how much what we do in our policies, et cetera, have over there and really touch the lives of people everywhere. >> stephen: cuz we
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governments of that's cute, you have your own government, that's really great. we-- the free world and i'm glad you have something to keep you busy. >> yeah, exactly, yeah. but no, it was really interesting being there. everybody is very polite am. i will say that. >> stephen: very polite march. >> a very polite march. but very loud. >> stephen: like the hey hey ho ho, hello guf, hello guf. >> they were very into it, i will say that. it was an incredible experience. it really was it was a life changing experience. but at the same time, people are like sorry, sorry. they're just very, they're just a very-- they put a lot of value on-- on being civil with one another. and i think that that is something we could probably learn from that. >> stephen: that would be lovely. well, just to be civil, i hope you will pardon us while we take a short commercial break. >> i don't mind at all, stephen. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more will arnett. (applause)
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plawses (applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm here just hydrating with will arnett who is the star of lego batman movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you got little boy, right? >> two little boy, yeah. they're six and eight. >> stephen: that's perfect for lego batman. >> they're right in the sweet. yeah, i'm going to get their money. >> stephen: yeah, the movie is genetically engineered to just go harvest those kids. >> they've got to learn about business, you know, and they've got to know that dad needs their dough. >> stephen: are you excited that you are lego batman, because it's a perfect-- it's a perfect role for a dads because you get to be cool and funny in the part. >> yes, yeah, they're excited. i always say that i sometimes feel like they're not excited enough. >> stephen: do theyt
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with you to the-- it's not the set, it's the recording. >> actually, we were recording in the sort of summer, i guess in the fall. and i had to go in on a saturday. and they didn't have school. so i was like all right, you're coming with me to work. it will be really fun. we're going to be in the recording booth. for anyone that has never been to a recording booth, it is a closet but more boring. >> where you can't hear the person next to you, the sound is so dead. and so like i was just trying to keep them entertained and then finally-- . >> stephen: on the other side of the glass. >> on the other side of glass. and then they are coming in like, can we get something to drink. i'm like guys, you can't talk in here because we are-- but then, you know, we needed these voices and krition mckay the director said why don't we get these guys on the mic. we need these voices of these orphans. yeah. >> stephen: are there orphans. >> there are orphans in the movie. and i said, i said great, i said you guys, you might be orphans one day, you know,
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life is hard. >> stephen: they need to know, you're going to get their money and. >> and that life is hard and it's oul over. and-- . >> stephen: sleep tight, kids. >> so they came in and they recorded. it was such a thrill, i got to say. it was so great to-- they got to-- . >> stephen: did they like it? >> they did. my eldest son was not that into it initially and i had to kind of convince him to do it cuz he just doesn't want to be sort of have that kind of attention. but my little guy, i stood up from my chair, i said okay, do you want to do this. and he quickly passed me and on his way into my seat he goes, just tell me what to do. and i was like okay. and he was terrific. >> stephen: that's trouble, man, that's trouble. i had my kids in a christmas special i did years ago and they were playing street roughians, like street urchins. >> orphans? >> stephen: well, kind of
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face and cut off gloves, very dikensian. and after one said to my make my six year old said to the makeup artist, i like it out there. >> stephen: trowcial, trouble, usually doesn't work out this way. >> don't get into it, whatever you do. >> stephen: are they excited about this. this is exciting, this is incredibly exciting. >> this guy. >> stephen: put him down there, right. there can we see who that is. >> how is it going, stephen? thanks for having me to your show. >> stephen: it's great to be here. (applause) well, batman, thank you so much for being on the show. i understand are you a bit of a pranksster, any fun pranks on the set? >> well, i'm always doing stuff, i learned from cloon dog how to do pranks on
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putting like cans of tuna in people's dressing rooms and then turning the heat on high. and it would stink. it would really stink the joint up. >> stephen: what is it like working with will arnett. >> he's the best, yeah, he's the best. >> stephen: i hear he's much taller. >> he's very tall. and he's like, i always describe hims alike cookoo handsome. >> stephen: lovely having you on, batman. i usually makeout with my guests. >> oh, didn't-- i didn't know that this was a-- oh-- i-- i'm going to take a breather. >> stephen: well, the lego batman movie is in theaters now. will arnett, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, may next guest tonight, the very funny comedian whose new show on hbo is called crashing. >> i don't want to be pushy but you said to talk to you maybe about the monthly shows, then you booked the holiday inn in connecticut and the fire house. >> do you have a car. >> yeah, i have a car. >> is it do well on ice? >> yeah, i mean i don't stop-- ice is fine. >> yeah, maybe. >> okay, can i email you? >> no. >> but you could give me your, mail. >> it's a little complicated it's p pete holmes 21, the 20 spelled with an i not a
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y@gmail.com. do you want me to write it down. >> i will remember it. >> there is a pen right here. >> if you just wrote pete in front of pete holmes, you would have most of it. >> stephen: please welcome pete holmes. i was just saying to will arnett when he was out here that he's taller than i thought. and i usually stay on the steps for the tall guy. so look him in the eye, because it's a power play. and i know how tall you are. an i forgot to stay on the step. >> yeah. i look down on will arnett. i'm 6 foot 6. i would help him retrieve a frisbee from a tree. >> stephen: did you play ball, basketball? >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: they let you not play basketball at 6, 6. >> this is true, the coach in high school, lexington high would come up to me and go why! just like that in the hallway. and i go--
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nerd. >> i always slept with his wife but that's not related. >> stephen: that's good. well, i hear you have good news. speaking of valentine's day, because it is next week, we have a very romantic event recently, you just got engaged, congratulations. >> i did. plus (applause). >> stephen: i have been given this photograph, may i show this. >> you may show that. >> stephen: look at this photograph. tell me what is happening right here. >> that is a two dimensional representation of a real-life event. >> stephen: wow. >> in full color. >> stephen: okay, great. >> taken with an i telephone made by the apple corporation. >> stephen: okay. >> i got engaged because i'm not messing around n a hot air propelled balloon. you can see-- . >> stephen: really, this is lighter than air travel, i hear it's coming back. >> heat yun lifts-- zeplins, deridgables and hot air balloons are the future. >> absolutely right. >> stephen: you got into the
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>> that is sweet lady valerie. >> stephen: your a finance. >> i don't like saying it. do you want to meet my fiance, i think like a jaguar should come out. >> stephen: what do you want to call her. >> this is my lady. >> i just like to get her-- . >> stephen: oh, how about-- that makes you sound like her pimp. let's get my ladies out here. >> i would be like this is my lover. >> stephen: that's wonderfully uncomfortable. mom, dad, i would like you to meet my lover. >> it's funny that you say that i think it's always weird when you introduce your girlfriend to your parents because you are like hey, this is what i am into. (laughter). >> stephen: so we got in a hot air balloon and i do recommend it for any fellas think being it. but there is a man in the basket with you. >> stephen: you're not alone. >> i did not think of this. there has to be a
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>> stephen: give me the controls, the nozzle, this is up, this is down, and i cut the sand bags and we go. >> it's even easier, this is up, there is no down, god speed. why does there need to be a licensed technician for this clown event. >> stephen: the guy is in it. >> he's in it and he's right here. and is' some guy i have never met. >> stephen: he is taking the photo though, right? >> hey, stephen, propose to your girlfriend. >> stephen: does she know? >> she's got to know. she knew. >> stephen: she doesn't have to know. >> you know, you're dating for awhile and you're like, i have an idea. let's, for no reason let's get in this airbornee basket. she knew. i didn't-- i didn't get engaged to no dumbee. -- dumby. >> stephen: but you tell the guy, right, it's going to happen so. >> he knew. >> stephen: get us to a good place. >> and he was great. and we were going zero.
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he told us. >> stephen: what does that mean, like you're boy ant. >> that's it, going zero. and i got nervous cuz there's a man's man there. >> stephen: why is he more manly than you, because he has a hot air balloon? you know, he's a circus guy, he's a man's man. so he is more manly than you are. >> a stranger, let's say a stranger standing there, and i got nervous. i was going say all these flowery things but there is a man in a carhart work jacket that's got some stuff on it and i feel judged. so i just go go, i would be honored to call you my wife. and i didn't, stephen, i didn't say will you marry me, so it's like playing tennis, i hit the ball in her court and she was just like. >> yes? >> stephen: i'm sorry you must answer in the form of a question.
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>> stephen: yeah, you did. >> i trebeced her to marry me. >> stephen: a lot of people must have done this before. >> he said immediately after she said yes to my nonquestion, very sweet girl, yes, and then the guy is going, two celebratory are toots with the flame. just like that. >> stephen: can you tell it's celebratory or do you like oh we're losing boy ansi? >> there were some power lines getting dangerously close. but he was celebrating. i could tell. and then no pause, he just goes you know, a lot of girls say no up here. (laughter). >> stephen: and then you is just hurl yourself out, i will always love you. well, lovely to meet you. >> stephen, a pleasure. >> stephen: crashing premiers next sunday on hbo. pete holmes, everybody 6789. we'll be right back with paul ri
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is (applause)
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fios is not cable. we're wired differently. which means we can deliver equal uploads and downloads. welcome to 8 and a half maple street. it's half a house. and even though it only has half a kitchen, half the closet space and a half bath, it's a full house to the wilsons. because they have fios, their half house has full internet, with uploads as fast as downloads. don't pay for uploads that aren't up to speed. get 150 meg internet, tv and phone for only $79.99 per month online for one year. only from fios. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, my next guestto
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an old friend and a very funny comedian who hosts a podcast two chairs and a microphone, please welcome paul mecurio. (applause) >> wow. nah very much. that's very nice. i got to tell you, i saw this the other night, blew my mind, like a couple of blocks from the theater. running across broadway, a rat with a whole green apple in its mouth. like a big-- just booking. i'm looking at that thinking good for him, he's eating healthy. he's working out. his cholesterol numbers must be great, huh? i'm tired. you ever been so tired you look at a homeless guy asleep on the street and go boy, i wish i could sleep like that. lev (laughter) i don't need a box spring, i need a
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i'm tired cuz have i a kid, you know. oh, can i show you my kid, in is favorite toy right now. look at that. yeah. yeah. cute, right? he's 15. i'm an idiot. i can't believe t you know, it goes by fast, the cliche. can i remember when he first started walking, do you remember a kid when he first starts walking, he walk ten feet, walk and sit, and i realized, he's a security guard. the most important thing you can do is have a kid. and no one checks with you from the government to see if you're qualified. i don't know anything. every single person in this theater and every person watching at home at one point or another has said this, i can't believe that person has a kid. right? i'm that person.
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(applause) true. true. that guy is a parent, he's clapping. you see him clap, you're a parent, can i tell. the first clue you don't know what you are doing with your kid, they are babies, freaking out, having one of these crying jags you can't get them to stop. and me blg the moron that i was, eight months old, i start talking to him like he is an adult. try to reason with him and he's freaking out, what, what is it, alex, what's wrong, tell daddy, what's wrong. like he's going to snap out of it and go you want to know what's wrong, paul. i was very comfortable in the womb, you yanked me out of there, you snip me dun there, that was a lot of fun. you wrap knee in what you call a dieper, let's be honest, it say plastic bag, i poop myself eight times a day. hung this mobile above my head, you think it's cute, it is freaking me out right now. when i'm hungry i can't even go to the fridge and get a pop, what do you think is wrong with me. youve
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lap. do you want me talking to strangers or don't you. and this, this, i see you, all right. (applause) now look, i love my kid, i love my family, you don't have to have a kid to relate to this. it's overw4e8 aming. it is exhausting, right, okay. i have these days, do you ever have these days where it is just so-- you don't want to go home? you just condition deal with the chaos and the nonsense. you just want to avoid it you know what i do, i go to the post office and stand in line all day. get to the head of the line, next, no i got nothing to mail. i just can't deal with going home. killing time. >> i hear you, man, killing time, have i been there, you want to kill time, go to the information desk ask them to explain the difference between express and priority mail that will take two years off your
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life. so how are we doing, jon? i always wanted to learn a foreign language. i feel like i should be able to speak a foreign language. i was going to take a course, but it's expensive. so instead, you could use this idea, i'm learning a foreign language by reading the owners manuals to my electronics. (laughter) yeah. these are my speaks, they are in like eight different languages, comien ease, german-- i know german, check this out, page 26. -- subwoofer. i'm not exactly sure what this means but when i read it i am scared to death of my subwoofer. i'm learning french there are different kinds of french, advanced, intermediate. i'm learning george foreman grill franch french it is the most beautiful of the romance manuals. the other night my wife was mad at me, i had to pay her a compliment, whatever, so i go to the manual, go to page 17, i said sweetie, i'm sorry,
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beautiful, your face looks just like the-- which apparently is a greas catching drip tray. (laughter) good night, everybody. thank you very much, good night, all. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: his comedy album, it's not me, it's the world, on sale now, paul mecurio, everybody. we'll be right back. (applause)
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(applause). >> stephen: this' it for the late show, join us next week with shailene woodley, christine baranski, bob odenkirk and sally field. now stick around for james corden. good night. ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it'll gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way in new brunswick, canada, give it up for your host the one, the only, james corden!

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