tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 3, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST
you see, when i was younger, i had an affair with doikk na'ts. he's a member of the cantina band. >> oh, yeah, that's right. you know that guy. >> stephen: know him, paul? i loved him. there he is, holding his dorenian beshniquel. and let's just say, that wasn't the only thing doikk knew how to blow. when i first heard doikk play at the mos eisley cantina, he made love to that instrument, and then he made love to me. it was an experience i'll never forget, because i had no idea what sex he was or how he did it. under those clothes it's kind of a-- kind of a train wreck, i have to say. i just poked around and hoped for the best. >> that sounds like a beautiful evening. >> stephen: it was. so yeah, paul, i'm preaw
song to have sex to. >> have you ever seen him again? >> stephen: only in my dreams, paul, only in my dreams. and on weekends. he's got the kids. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes cate blanchett. paul rust. and comedian mo amer. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to see you. how are you? hey! thank you very much. >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey, chris! ( cheer
please, have a seat, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. well, the revelations about the trump team's connections to russia just keep on coming. yesterday, we learned that attorney general jeff sessions met with a russian ambassador during the campaign and then what's the word? lied about it to congress. so yesterday sessions made this announcement: >> i have recused myself in the matters that deal with the trump campaign. >> stephen: senator, you can't recuse yourself from all matters that deal with the trump campaign. you don't have to be the prosecutor, but you might be a defendant. ( cheers and applause ) huge, big, big, jeff sessions fans here tonight. ( laughter ) senator, what about that time you lied to senator franken?
>> in retrospect i should have slowed down and said, "but i did meet one russian official one time. that would be the ambassador. thank you, all, take care. ( lahter ). >> stephen: y'all come back now, hear, hear. seriously, we're getting a subpoena. you all come back now, okay? you can't just end a press conference with the one piece of relevant information you have. that would be like darth vader saying, "by the way, luke, i'm your dad. take care, bye! 2 i don't know have darth vader is southern in this analogy. it would be fun if he was. and then the day got a little more not good for the trump white house, because they admitted that in december, trump's son-in-law and frat guy who seems nice at first, jared kushner, joined michael flynn at a meeting with the russian ambassador-- this guy. who-- surprise-- also met with trump advisers carter page and j.d.
did everyone trump knows have a relationship with the russian ambassador? hold on. wait a second. can we-- jim, do you have a picture of bannon's nanny? there you go. she checks out. that's fine. ( laughter ) speaking of american institutions... disney. they've had a long history of progressive values, from their positive depiction of a woman with seven husbands to touting the benefits of hallucinogenic. drugs. ( laughter ) and now disney has struck another blow for open-mindedness. >> the new movie "beauty and the beast" will feature disney's first openly gay character. the director revealed that gaston's sidekick, la fou, played by actor josh gad, will explore his sexuality in a small, but significant subplot. >> stephen: now, if you don't remember lafou from "beauty and the beast," he's this guy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) no, no! wait, wait! no!
incompetent sidekick who sucks up to the bad guy. yeah, that's the one. right there. ( laughter ) first off, i just want to say lafou might not have known he was gay, but the rest of us did. he sang a whole song about how thick gaston's neck was. also, first gay character? what about timon and pumba, and every disney prince ever? you know, the buff guys with no body hair who can't kiss the beautiful girlfriends without singing a three-minute show tune first? come on. come on. it's fine. it's fine. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ who left this fabulous shoe! ( laughter ) i have to get the other pair! now, unsurprisingly, some people are freaking out about the "same-sex surprise" in the film.
although, they really don't have the moral high ground if they think two men kissing ruins this kid's movie about a woman who is held captive until she falls in love with a giant angry animal. ( laughter ) hey, this is a question i don't get to ask often enough: anybody here enjoy marijuana? anybody? ( cheers and applause ) some people do. some people do. not everybody, some people do. everybody who just clapped, better hope that jeff sessions does redesign, because since he took over the attorney general's department he has taken a hard line on the stickyicky. and he laid out his opposition at the national meeting of attorney generals. >> i'm not sure we're going to be a better, healthier nation if we have marijuana being sold at every corner grocery store. >> stephen: maybe so, but those grocery stores will sell a lot more pretzel bites and. itrshmallow fluff.
( applause ) this seems like a strange time to launch a new war on weed. for one thing, "planet earth 2" just came out. ( laughter ) and currently, 28 states have legalized marijuana for recreational or medicinal use, and sessions' comments have thrown the country's marijuana. industry into a panic. if only there was something that could help chill them out. ( laughter ) we have a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) cate blanchett is here. but when we return, i'm hitting the streets to cheer america up. stick anderson. cate blanchett! (cheering) (vo) they say glory awaits at the finish. but what about the start? (cheering continues) that moment you suck up every doubt, every fear, every reason 'why not' and decide to begin.
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ladies and gentlemen. say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the best band on television! ( cheers and applause ) now, jon, jon, we talked a little bit about this two days ago. we're in lent now, and it's friday, and so i'm not eating any meat on friday because it's lent and i'm aing catholic. but i'm not eating any meat any time during lent. are you giving up anything? >> jon: um, sure, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is it-- is it-- is it a secret, jon? >> jon: i haven't decided yet. i'll add on afterwards, you know, after the 40 days. >> stephen: so when you come up with whatever you give up, you're just going to tag it on to the back of lent. >> jon: like roll over minutes? >> does god accept roll over minutes? i didn't ready that. >> jon: i play a lot. my works out gli have to change
folks, we're over a month in to the trump administration, people are worried. are you guys worried about this? i'm worried, too. will trump deport friends and neighbors? will the press be silenced? what percentage of sean spicer is lunch meat? ( laughter ) these are questions that we all deal with on a daily basis. and this is manhattan, which donald trump lost by 89%. back in november. ( cheers and applause ) these are nice people. these are nice people, trying to cheap donald trump up. it's so nice. so there, out on the streets, a few gloomy faces around. but i really believe that i'd like to believe everything is going to be okay, and i wanted to get out there on the streets and reassure others who are feeling a little low. jim? ♪ ♪
>> stephen: thank you, jon! welcome to-- uhh-- "late show street show takin' it to the street." tonight, we're going to let everyone know it's going to be ok. here we are in front of the beautiful trump international with you and thisbe. what's on your mind? how are you feeling? >> it's hard to get through the day, ya know. >> stephen: really? >> it's hard to know how to behave, what to listen to, what to look for and how to move on, and how to make a difference in the world. >> stephen: is there anything specific that's worrying you right now, matt? >> i mean, there's a lot of things-- the ban on immigration, getting rid of the n.e.a.-- >> stephen: it's not a ban. it's not a ban on immigration. they just can't come here. you could still emigrate, you just can't come here. what is thisbe eating there? >> she's eating milk-bones. >> stephen: did she bring enough for everybody? >> you can have one if you want ( laughter )
yummy, yummy. >> stephen: it's actually not bad. i would use this to dip into hummus. i gotta say, the milk-bone, it sticks with you. ( laughter ) just wanted to remind everybody that's watching, this interview is brought to you by milk-bone. milk-bone: you can eat it. how are you guys feeling? are you guys worried about anything? >> we have our own-- we have our issue with brexit. you've probably heard about brexit. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah. you guys are pulling out of the european union. >> we're not happy about that, and we're worried about that. >> stephen: what did you guys think when you had heard that president trump had been elected? >> i can't swear on here, can i? >> stephen: sure. >> he's an absolute wanker. >> stephen: you could say that. you can wanker all you want, we don't know what it means. what's a wanker? >> it's like a tosser! >> stephen: what's a tosser? what's a tosser? (bleep). >> stephen: oh, yeah, i know what that is. the theme of today's "late show street show, takin' it to the street" is, uh, everything's
what do you need to be reassured about? >> well, ya know, i actually know that everything's going to be okay, but i just want the rest of the people to know that everything's gonna be ok. >> stephen: i've always heard that if you just smile through something that upsets you, it actually makes you feel better about it. >> it starts to make you feel better about it. >> stephen: ready? we're going to do smile therapy, okay? president trump says he wants to bring back torture. ( laughter ) president trump asked rudy guiliani to come up with a legal way to ban muslims from entering america. ( laughter ) that does feel better. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i see some other things, you got milk-bones. what's the other one? >> it's just a pouch of treasure troves. it's a wonder nugget. >> stephen: what's the wonder nugget? >> it's peanut butter something. >> stephen: and this is for dogs? it's called the wonder nugget? >> it is, yeah. ( laughter )
i do feel better. >> stephen: wonder nugget. it tastes like something. who wants a marshmallow. are you worried about nuclear war at all? >> oh, of course, yeah. nuclear football being in those tiny hands is pretty disturbing. >> stephen: would you like something to make you feel better? >> i sure would. >> stephen: all right. see? >> it's working. >> stephen: they're all wearing make america great again t-shirts. >> oh, no! >> stephen: yeah. make america great again. now, matt, before i let you go, i'm going to write you a prescription-- which i'm allowed to do because i got a tv show-- for one carne asada burrito and 20 minutes of googling young paul newman. ♪ ♪
you think you remember, but you don't! >> it's pretty special >> stephen: do it some place private. >> i will. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: heads up! marshmallow! don't tell your teacher! don't eat it off the ground! mmm. well, everybody, that's it for "the late show: taking it to the street, everything's going to be ok" edition. i just want to remind everybody that everything's going to be okay, all right? look, there's his pee-pee. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with cate blanchett. remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a two-time academy award-winning actress currently making her. broadway debut in "the present." please welcome cate blanchett! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> a standing ovation. >> stephen, of course! >> do you get that all the time? >> stephen: ummm... yet. i was about to be humble, but i'm not going to. it's lovely to see you. listen, i've got a confession to make. i don't-- >> publicly. >> stephen: i don't get star struck but i do get a little
i'm such a huge fan of yours. ( cheers and applause ) you're such a brilliant actress, and i'm not going to go into the whole gladdial thing, but everything you've done. and you're an intelligent, lovely person. a fashion icon. >> oh, but i can't but disappoint. you don't see me first thing in the morning. believe it or not, i don't wake up like this. >> stephen: oh, no. what are you like at home? >> it's pretty ugly at 6:00 a.m., i look like ia cross between phyllis diller and -- >> stephen: a gladdial. >> yes. i'm covered in-- i'm in my pajamas, which i've been wearing for-- i wear my pajamas most of the time. >> stephen: do you have kids? >> i have four. so i'm covered in pancake mix, and bananas and vegemite. it takes a toll. >> stephen: can you explain vegemite to me? i tasted it-- i've tasted it in new zealand, and it was shocking to me. >> that's because you, as an american, live on a diet of sugar.
really want to go here? there's so much-- there's so much to love about this magnificent country. >> stephen: vegemite? it tastes to me like someone went, "i wonder if we can find a way to make salt taste like it went bad and it's brown." >> that's because you spread it on like peanut butter. australians have been trying to explain this phenomenon for decades. i can't believe, being a jackson fan that you haven't kind of crossed that bridge. >> stephen: i tried it. i tried it when i was in new zealand. >> did you put jam on it. >> stephen: no, am i supposed to. >> you put a tiny scrape and put the rest on your pajamas. >> stephen: i did have a tiny little scrape there and i can still taste it 10 years later, 10 years later. my son, "my youngest son, thought it was a jam and took a giant bite of it. >> that will do it for you. >> stephen: it was one of the saddest faces i have seen in my entire life. you won two oscars. nomi f
( applause ). >> stephen: why not? why not? the reason i ask is that, you know, there was a huge hullabaloo at the oscars this part sunday night. >> oh, it wasn't that bad! >> stephen: i've never been backstage. can you imagine what it must have been like for everyone up there, absolutely so shocking. >> awful. it's like sort of being married to the wrong person. it's-- but, you know, at first for me what was most upsetting is-- in australia, there's a-- we have a wonderful, wonderful sort of cultural industries, but often success is not reward. but here in this country, the wonderful thing about america is success is rewarded. and butt now i think in the last-- since the inauguration, this notion of the cultural elite has really kind of got going. so anyone who has got a voice and success in the cultural industries is suddenly marginalized or considered, you know, their voice isn't significant or worth being parent of the, you know, popular
parlance. and they kind of handed it to the administration on sunday night, that they're a bunch of duffers. >> stephen: because they looked like idiots. >> but they're not. >> stephen: and he gets to point and go, "hollywood, sad." >> ysad, which is such a profoundly interesting thing to say. >> stephen: yeah. >> hollywood sad. >> stephen: hollywood sad. make me happy, not sad. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, what's the secret to winning an oscar? as soon as they give it to you, run off stage before they can give it to "moonlight." >> yes. at least two films got to win. >> stephen: it's nice. >> it's nice, isn't it? it's really nice. >> stephen: it's twice the oscars. >> they don't have to do it next year. >> stephen: now, you are on broadway debut. i'm so surprised this is your broadway debut because you've done so much theater in australia. >> my husband and i ran the sydney theatre, this is the last play he programmed. >> stephen: it's at the
barrymore theatre in new york. >> that's me. >> stephen: it's called "the present." it's a chekhov play. i'm not familiar with "the present." >> it's because chekhov wrote it for an actress who was rejected it -- >> stephen: wasn't good enough for the woman he had a crutch on? >> no, and he put it, as richard says in his sock drawer and it was never found. it was a broken fragment of a work, and what people don't realize about chekhov is it's fun gle it's a comedy. >> "cherry orchard" his most well known play say comedy in four acts and it's always played for the misery. boots people in a midlife crisis, and nothing could be more hilarious and absurd and tragic. let's face it. you're not there yet. >> stephen: no, no, no. no, i can't wait to get to moi 40s. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, your character-- >> is turning 40. >> stephen: is turning 40, is in
reminds you of things that are happening in the world right now. how so. >> andrew has updated it to the sort of 90 necessary russia. so when piewten is coming to power, which seems particularly relevant to this-- what's going on in the country at the moment. and with the rise of the oligarchs. so it's all about, as you move forward in life, what's your moral compass? what do you-- where does kindness and humanity sit in a really brutal world. >> stephen: cate blanchett, what is your moral compass? where does kindness and humanity sit nay brutal world? those are important questions to ask right now. >> it's in my vagina. ( cheers and applause ) okay, okay. thank you! thank you very much! >> stephen: that takes-- that takes care of my next two questions. ( laughter ) your character says
easier to do (bleep) that you don't actually care about. what does that mean? >> no, it's so hard to do what you really, really desperately want in life. it's so easy to do (bleep) you don't care about either way. ain't that the truth? >> stephen: are there things you're tempted to do, "oh, it looks like that would be fun to do and i don't care about it and i would like to do that"? >> like bungee jumping or something insane like that. >> stephen: if you weren't being an actress, do you have some other dream. >> i studied architecture for a while at university and thought i would go into gallery curation. someone said to me in high school, "you should find what you're passionate about and you should sort of find a way to bring that into a profession. expivment thought what am i passionate about? i thought i have a passionate hatred for plastic bags but i couldn't quite bridge how i could make a career out of that. other people have, handicrafts -- >> stephen: guys in the orange vests on the highway with a stick and a nail on the
>> stephen: community service. it's waiting for you out there. your character has an existential crisis turning 40. how are the 40s treating you, young lady? >> i don't know yet. i'm not there. i'm liking tactually. i loved my 30s so much and i thought moving into my 40s was going to be a car crash. but now, it's been good. it's been quite confronting, actually, because i'm starting to think about chickens and thinkinthinkingthinking about g. and i thought, hold on. that's how my grandmother and mother started. so i'm moving into that zone, gardening. i'm thinking about gardening. >> stephen: are you living in new york right now? >> . >> it's very hard to start a garden in new york. >> it is. >> stephen: you're starting to do "oceans eight." >> just finished. >> stephen: just finished it. "oceans 11" was the first of the ocean series. why an all-female cast. >> there are only eight women working in hollywood. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i'm glad ye
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costore from "love" on here gillian jacobs. >> fantastic. >> stephen: she's fantastic, a very talented, funny actress. this is the first time we've met. >> yes. >> stephen: paul rust. >> right. >> stephen: that's like a name from, like, a detective novel or something like that. >> paul rust p.i.! >> stephen: exactly. it's the nameave real tough guy. >> but... ( laughter ) >> stephen: is it a hard name to live up to? >> yeah, like growing up, you know, i would meet somebody and my friend would go, "this is paul rust. this is who i was telling you about." and i could see it in their eyes making this psychological adjust "i thought he was going to have a scar, maybe be a steel worker." my name should be like, lilypad jones. >> stephen: lilypad jones? >> yeah. >> stephen: named for st. lilypad. >> yeah. >> stephen: were you, like, a good kid. were the hardy boys or were you the bad kid in the neighborhood? >> i was the hardy boys. i wanted to be a good little
we were both raised catholic, right? i'm shoe you were a good little boy. >> stephen: year, i'm still raised catholic. did you go to catholic school or anything like that yeah. it was great, i remember in fifth or sixth grade i was a teacher who did the "helper of the week" award. on friday, i kept my eyes out and i looked to see who was good and a helper. >> stephen: every week she would do this? >> yeah, yeah. "and on friday i will announce the worker of the week." and as soon as i heard, that i said that's mine. >> stephen: all the good people want the award. that's the one thing you know. what did you do? >> i was riding home with my mom and she was driving and i saw an old woman raking leaves in her yard and i was like, "this is a lock. mom, stop the car!" she pulled over and for a couple hours i helped this old woman rake leaves. >> stephen: a couple hours. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's impressive. had you immediate mt. this old woman before? >> no. >> stephen: just at
>> she took off. >> stephen: your mother left? >> we were in a very small town. she was very trusty. >> stephen: all right, where is this? >> lamars, iowa. >> stephen: okay, yes. >> i rawkd the leaves and next day came in bursting at the scenes wanting to talk about it. but i had to be cool about it. >> stephen: how was the teacher supposed to know? >> i had to say it within ear shot of her. i was talking to somebody and i said, "yesterday i saw this old leave explaed got out of the car and helped her rake the leaves. whatever. it's just something i do." >> stephen: i don't want to talk about it. >> i don't want to talk about it. somebody asked, right? and friday came around for the big announcement and i didn't get it. >> stephen: what? >> i know. you heard the gasp from the audience. >> stephen: later, we're going to put in the sound feesk of them gasping. ( laughter ) just to make you feel better. the fisks in? who got the thing? >> some person who didn't deserve-- you know-- ( laughter ) if i -- >> stephen: but you've let it
>> stephen: you've clearly let this go. >> i'm using national television to grieb grooip about it. so clearly i've gotten over it. the story should have ended there, but i remember after she announced it-- this is very embarrassing. i raised my hand and i was like, "i don't know if you remember, but i raked this person's leaves. she was really old." >> stephen: everybody's talking about it. >> yeah, yeah "word on the street is that i'm, like, herp of the week." and my takeaway was, oh, i'm a good kid. i'm just a bad person." yeah, yeah. >> stephen: where is lammars? >> it's in northwest iowa. >> stephen: up by the dacoatarchs south dakota. >> a stone's thrown away from sioux city, iowa. usually when you name a town on a show someone claps. lamars is known as the ice cream capital he
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: no! no jumping on the lamars gravy train at this point. >> you had your chance! >> stephen: based on what are you the ice cream capital of the world? no offense, i was not familiar with lamars' work-- be nice now. you want the award "best guest of the week." ( laughter ). >> they have the wells blue bunny ice cream plants. they make a lot of ice cream there. >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah. >> stephen: so they just declared themselves ice cream capital of the world. >> if you read about it online or somebody writes an article they're a little snotty, about it, stephen. they'll go, "lamars, want so-called self-proclaimed ice cream capitol of the world." >> stephen: so nobody's buying it. >> likey detroit to cars, lamars is to ice cream. >> stephen: yes. >> and for people who think we're wrong, prove it. prove me wrong. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, the series on netflix is called "love." >> yes. >> stephen: the highs and
( applause ) look at that. it's about the highs and lows of dating. did you-- do you ever any particular lows in your dating life? >> oh, all low s. >> stephen: really? you have a ring on your finger. >> that's right. part of a very special club that gets a special ring. you and me are part of this club, stephen. >> stephen: that's exactly right. didn't see you at the last meeting, though. >> i'm sure right now they're flashing on the bottom of the screen, "sorry, ladies. he's married." but-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's fut up. want to put that up? great, thanks. >> yeah, when i first moved to los angeles, you know, los angeles is a big, like, car town. >> stephen: yeah. >> cars are kind of like the status symbol you. >> stephen: can't get anywhere. >> it's your way of showing people where you're at, especially on a first date. >> stephen: yeah. >> but i drove the first few years i had the car that i, like drove out to l.a. in, and it was my mom's pontiac. >> stephen: from lamar
from lamars to l.a. after a while the car gets beat up, and i had the side mirror dangling off and flopping around. and the driver's side door wouldn't open. >> stephen: at all? >> no, so i would have to go to the passenger side door, and open it up. and of but what would happen is, like-- may i demonstrate? >> stephen: sure. >> if i was on a first date, you know-- >> stephen: this is the driver's seat? >> this is the driver's seat. this is the passenger's seat. me and the date are coming along. i would, like, open up the door to get in, but she thought i was being chivalrous. ( laughter ) she's like, "oh, thank you." and i'm like, "oh, no, no, i have a terrible car." and she would have to see me, like a toddler, like... crawl across. ( cheers and applause ) it's okay. "so, do you want to have sex with me now?" ( laughter )
>> stephen: exactly. it's another reason to get married. >> that's right. >> stephen: well, it was lovely to meet you. >> it was nice to meet you, too. >> stephen: season two of "love" premieres next friday on netflix. paul rust, everybody! good kid. we'll be right back with comedian mo amer. (alarms) where's the car? it'll be here in three...uh, four minutes. are you kidding me? no, looks like he took a wrong turn. don't worry, this guy's got like a four-star rating, we're good. his name is randy. that's like one of the most trustworthy names! ordering a getaway car with an app? are you randy? that's me! awesome! surprising. what's not surprising? how much money
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ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a dmeedian who has sold out shows in over 30 countries. tonight, he's making his network television debut. please welcome mo amer! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hey! ( cheers and applause ) look at this! look at this! nice to see you guys. my name is mo amber. mo is actually short for mohammed! surprise! fade's the day! it's
pack it up! get the door! no, i'm kidding. let's just soak that in for a second. it's a new trump era, you know. and speak of, i recently took a flight with eric trump-- not on purpose. it just happened. i didn't know he was going to be in the plane. might have showed up on your social media feeds. but i do know one thing, the lady who upgrade me into that seat was certainly a clinton supporter, 100%. ( applause ) 100%. she was like, "oh, eric trump is on my flight? is that what you're telling me? oh, there's an empty seat next to eric, is there? let me attack a look at this upgrade list see who's waiting to be upgrade. on. >> mohammed mustapha ama! upgrade now!" because i've taken hundreds of flights and i've never been greeted with such enthusiasm prior to
a mohammed flying out of new york. has never happened. i walk up trying to scan my border pass. she's like, "guess who's been upgrade! ba-ba." i was like, "what is this, a rap battle?" i walk into the plane, i see what-- i was like, is that eric trump? no, it can't be. i put up my bag, took a second look, and saw his name on his sweater. ah, definitely was eric. i knew what to do next. i sat next to him and say salam, eric. how you doing? how are you, man? like, my name is mohammed. i'm muslim, and i came here as a refugee! we made it, mama! you know what i mean? it was fun. ( applause ) i jumped right into it. i was like, "hey, man, i don't know what all the hate is about. mohammed is the most popular name in the world okay? you know what's frustrating about that fact? i went
weeks ago, not one key chain with my name on it. not one person has shared a coca-cola with me in america, not a single person. i must confess, i didn't even know how popular the name was until i watched the egyptian soccer team. they were showing a play-by-play request and the commentator said mohammed has the ball upon. ball to mohammed. mohammed to mohammed. mohammed to mohammed. mohammed! mohammed! mohammed! there's one guy on the team. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i was actually born in kuwait. i left kuwait after the first gulf war, or as i like to call it "the prequel." i went to a rear nice private british-english school. had a hint of a british accent. i was adorable. hello, mom, d
hummus. i walked my chubby butt to school. and then ended up in houston, texas. ( applause ) i'm a proud texan. man. when i first got there, they put me in e.s.l. class. which is english as a second language class and i was the only guy that spoke english in this class! i walk in alm the kids are looking at me like oula, amigo. i was like, sorry? what language are you speaking? all of a sudden, this other guy rolls up out of nowhere, "you're weird, dude! why do you talk like that, eh!" and that was my teacher. ( laughter ) ( applause ) like, he was-- it was difficult. ( applause ) i ended up becoming fluent in spairn. became fluent in spanish because of an english class. ( laughter ) which is great b
anything breaks out i can camouflage at any moment in time. it's getting rough. start hunting arabs and muslims like-- hey, boy! you one of them arabs, huh? you one of those muslims? ( applause ) i'll just go to mexico. i'll just start selling falafel tacos in mexico. that's the exit strategy. ( laughter ) it took me, like, 20 years to get my citizenship, 20 years to get my citizenship. i believe that's called-- ( applause ) i believe that's called extreme vetting. it already exists. for many years, i traveled without a passport. they give refugees a refugee travel document. on the front, it looks real official "department of homeland security." makes me look like a come.
however, on the inside, in all caps it says, "this is not a u.s. passport." confuses immigration officers globally. my first tour out of the country was to germany. i get there and the guy is like, welcome to germany. i can have your passport please?" i'm like, "yeah, sure, here you go." "look very special, ya. oh, no! oh, no! i said can i have your passport, please?" i said, "hey, man, that is my passport." "that cannot be your passport. it shows here it's not a passport. it shows you were born in kuwait. can i have your kuwait passport? "i said i don't have one. in kuwait it doesn't matter if you were born there. matters where your parents come ."
my parents are palestinian. get qt give me your palestinian passport. i don't have a palestinian passport. why don't you have a palestinian passport. because it is not a state. why don't you make it a state? have you not watched the news for the past 68 years. and by the way, i'm in germany. this is all your fault to begin with. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can see his solo show on tuesday at the comedy cellar here in new york. mo amer, everybody! we'll be right back.
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"the late show," everybody! join us next week when i'll be talking to kristen stewart, judd apatow, and anderson cooper. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be just fine ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from coney island,