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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 8, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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blythe, gary and jerry. >> just ask jerry. >> stephen: jerry is a woman. hair, makeup, and wardrobe are dements run by women. let's read the script written by only the male writers. "open on vol tranand chewbacca team up to drive monster trucks with their penises. that's really good. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes mark halperin and john heilemann michael ian black and cat behaviorist, jackson galaxy. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed suln livatheater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey!
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how are you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's up, chris? what's up, paul? please, have a seat. you're too kind. very nice. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to day three of health care plan two, repeal and revenge. this time it's republican. it took the g.o.p. forever to release this thing. they're the george r.r. martins of healthcare. and just like in "game of thrones," a lot of your favorite characters will die without warning. the bill came out three days ago. it was actually on monday they actually released the thing. the bill already has enemies on all sides. the conservative freedom caucus
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opposes it and so does republican rand paul. >> you coming out against it, some of your colleagues already coming out against the house republican plan, is this proposal dead? >> yes, it's dead on arrival. >> stephen: and rand paul knows dead on arrival. because i believe that was his presidential campaign slogan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) whatever this is. whatever-- whatever that thing up there is, too. but last night, last night, president trump was all in. he said he likes the plan. >> this will be a plan where you can choose your doctor. this will be the plan where you can choose your plan. and you know what the plan is: this is the pl. ( laughter ) >> stephen: adding, "plan, plan, plan, plan. plan, sad, plan." this is how commit the donald trump is-- he met in private with g.o.p. house members and told them that if they don't get their work together, if they don't actually pass this bill, the midterm
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bloodbath." which would be terrible, because their health plan doesn't cover bloodbath. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) again, "game of thrones." "game of thrones." at today's press briefings, sean spicer was asked whether the g.o.p. can sympathize with people who might lose their health care under the new plan. >> the individuals involved in the health care situation right now, can they really have the kind of sympathy and empathy for individuals who may not benefit nearly as much when they're negotiating all these plans, sean? >> in what respect? >> you're fine. you're covered. >> first of all, i'm not fine. >> stephen: we know you're not fine, sean. that's self-evident. but lets stay focused on healthcare. and spicer insisted he could empathize with people worried about their health care. >> that's like saying because i have a job, i can't be
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doesn't have a job. >> stephen: you might have empathy sooner than you think, sean. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- that's what i hear. ( cheers and applause ) possible? and sean spicer laid out how the plan would appeal to the 18-35 demographic. >> 27- to 28-year-old individuals don't need care. that's for folks, you know, that talks about certain things, that a plan that has certain things that are towards the end of life. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. you don't buy things having to do with the end of life until you know you're going to die. ( laughter ) just like i don't buy flood insurance until the water is past my groin. but even with donald trump's backing, it's a tough road ahead, because the plan will raise premiums for some elderly people and impact medicare. and now it's opposed by the a.a.r.p.
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you've awakened... the ancient ones. ( laughter ) ( applause ) for months-- for months now, the elders have slumbered after sending one of their own to lead us. but now they stir, roused by a threat to the healthcare they cherish. of course this would summon them. they keep track of the days of the week using pills! and now they are angered and energized by soup and early- morning mall walks. don't you know they're the ones who vote! they guard the booths and control the sticker supply. somehow, somewhere, they're voting right now! ( laughter ) and, oh, you will rue this trespass, for the ancient ones have nothing but anger and free time. except sundays at 8:00, when me-tv broadcast "columbo." your only hope is to pass the
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get drowsy after dinner. of course, healthcare's important, but when it comes to trump, all roads lead back to moscow. most of the controversy has swirled russian ambassador and pillsbury diplomat, sergey kislyak. ( laughter ) ( applause ) in fact, despite claiming absolutely no contact of any kind, by the latest tally, "at least five members of trump's campaign team had contact with kislyak before trump took office." but they insist the contact was strictly under the shirt, over the constitution. my question is why does this ambassador kislyak keep popping up everywhere? he looks so familiar. wait a second. jimmy, put up ellen's selfie from the oscars a few years ago. there he is! right between julia roberts and brad pitt! and now that i think about it, put up the opening of "the brady bunch." he's jan!
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i should have known-- jan always gets overlooked. russia, russia, russia! wait, hold on a second. now they think of it. put up the flag raising at iwo jima. oh, my god. he's not even helping. of course, trump's number one concern right now is securing of course, trump's number one concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he's going to pay for it because according to the office of management and budget, trump plans "deep cuts in airport and rail security." that is shocking-- there's such a thing as rail security? if so, they should investigate amtrak bathrooms. those things look like a crime scene. but when it comes to cutbacks, "the coast guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion." the coast guard?
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who does trump think protects the waters around mar-a-lago, laser-sited manatees ( cheers and applause ) yeah. maybe so. i pay tax dollars. i would love to see my tax dollars go to that. trump's paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the coast guard, airport and rail security. great. so we're find as long as nobody tries to get in by sea, air, or land. trump's budget also "cuts 11% in spending from the t.s.a." but here's the thing. it's going to be all right. they're going to do more with less, because the t.s.a. has announced they're going to start doing "more invasive physical pat-downs." "more" invasive? did they find a new hole? >> jon: whoa! ( applause ) >> stephen: a lot of
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applauding finding a new hole out there. lonely people. the t.s.a. hasn't told us much about the new pat-down, but they are saying it "will involve intimate contact" with "sensitive areas, such as breasts, groin, and the buttocks." they're putting the "t" and "a" back in t.s.a. ( laughter ) this is how intimate it's going to get: "the t.s.a. is warning local police in case anyone calls to report an 'abnormal' federal frisking." all right. so before you go to the airport, make sure you have your ticket, your photo i.d., and your safe word. okay, just something that you wouldn't yell out in a moment of pleasure, okay, like donald trump. ( laughter ) or pumpkin patch. now, we still don't know everything, but if you want all the details, you can read about it in the t.s.a.'s new guidelines, "fifty shades of safe." ( laughter ) and there is a silver lining. for the le
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their healthcare, just go to laguardia, and you can get a free prostate exam. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. stick around. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! with matty on guitar over there tonight. >> stephen: now, folks i have not seen my first guests tonight
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with me on election night. plawz welcome the host of showtime's "the circus," mark halperin and john heilemann. good to see you. hugs. he hugged me. i want to point out, i want to point out that he hugged me. he shook my hand. >> you still need comforting from election night, stephen. >> i was afraid if i hugged you, i would need to cradle you in my arms you. >> stephen: are not a big comforter because the last time we were here together, this is what you said. i asked both of you what you that you want the election meant. i asked both of you what you thought the election meant. and this is what you guys said. >> donald trump stage aid hostile takeover of the republican party on the right and now we are where we are. >>
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world war ii, and 9/11, this may be the most cataclysmic event the country has ever seen. >> stephen: oh, well... we'll be right back after this message from calgon. >> i might have understated it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so in all seriousness, do you see-- in all seriousness on a comedy show-- inule seriousness, do you see anything in the first 45 days that is sort of fruit of that moment that you were sort of picturing when you-- when you imagined this as being a cataclysmic thing. >> i don't want to minimize the loss of life in 9/11 and the world war, but from the point of view half the country who voted against him and upset about him being president -- >> stephen: a little more. >> a little more than half, it's self-inflicted. i've travelledly the country a lot since he gotle
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are people who are hopeful and optimistic and really think this is the kind of change we need, and there are people who, adults, who say to me, "this is the worst thing that's happened in my life. >> stephen: well, okay, so the first season of "the circus" was about the campaign trail. and now the second season, which starts is it this-- a week from sunday-- is about the first 100 days of the trump presidency. did you know you were going to do a second season or did you get to the end of the first season and go, "oh, (bleep). the story just started." >> you can-- can we use that kind of language on the show? >> stephen: sure, sure, i'll edit you out. >> fantastic. we were really happy with the way the show progressed over the course of the year. we thought we made something that was really good. we were really proud of it. it was possible we could have done a second season if hillary clinton had been elected but it is in the case in journalism that novelty is a compelling thing, and everything that is
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every minute in washington right now is new and the novelty made it impossible to not go back to the second bite at the apple. >> trump's washington and trump's america is a fascinating thing and the first half of 100 days we're sort of joining in progress, you can go anywhere in america, this is what people are talking about. certain late-night shows focusing on the trump administration have been doing quite well in the ratings, i read. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i have to check those out. i have to check those out. now, let me ask you this, both of you guys -- both of you guys have, like, 20 years of experience writing and covering politics. what do you know as washington insiders-- if you'll pardon the expression-- what do you know is happening in the white house because there are a lot of rumors it's chaotic and this is sort of like the gang that can't shoot straight and there's a lot of in-fighting, that sort of thing. is that real or is it an illusion so some other trick is being pulled off over here that we're not paying attention to? >> people keep asking us, "what's going on behind the scenes? and
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have noticed what's going on in front of the scenes." that chaos-- that's the part that's planned. that's the image they're trying to present. imagine what it's like in the private spaces. >> stephen: but during the campaign-- >> where stuff is happening that they don't you want to see. >> stephen: there was a sense in the campaign, "these guys don't know what they're doing. they can't plan a campaign." meanwhile, they're very quietly planning the possible path to win and they did it. is that happening sort of under the radar right now? >> some of that is happening. they're doing more on foreign policy, more on health care, and more on taxes than is generally covered and they're trying to be below the radar. every new administration is chaotic. i covered the beginning of the clinton administration. people were trying to figure out how, "do i plug in a floppy disk." it's not as chaotic as it seems, but make no mistake at the top of the pyramid is donald trump, and he has thrived on chaos and a management style that is a little unorthodox. >> and most of the gome
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85% of the appointments they have to make, people have not been appointed yet -- >> stephen: they had to hire 4,000 people. >> most of the government still has a "vacancy" sign on it. >> i asked people in the west wing, people i had just met, how many times hubeen to the white house before you took this job? more than half, the first time they were at the white house was the day they showed up for work. that's a hard thing to do. it's a lovely building but it's a complicated building. >> stephen: i heard they had trouble find, the light switch. >> light switches, how to work want doorknobs. it's a complicated building. >> stephen: it's not as complicatedly as health care, but still, quite complicated. ( cheers and applause ). >> apparently-- apparently-- i'm starting to get the feeling that, like, everything in trump tower must be automatedor activated. >> stephen: all of trump tower is on the clapper. gh switches and doorknobs should be pretty much standard everywhere you go. >> by a building in
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>> stephen: how do cover the stweets twooets on saturd ayministration, barack obama himself, had ordered taps of trump in trump tower? how seriously do you have to take that ?oots the president of the united states, you have to accept that as a news story, but. how did you have to take it seriously as news to investigate? >> one of the things that got said in the campaign at the end that i think is a total canard -- >> stephen: i don't speak french. >> you'll fit right in, in the trump administration, stephen. they don't speak french, either. the notion was our failing was we took trump literally but we didn't take him seriously and that people in the country took him seriously but didn't take him literally. the president of the united states should be taken seriously and literally, and when he's on twitter and saying things he's saying, those are public pronouncements from the president of the united states. our allies, our enemies, international markets-- they all take it seriously. so as often unsubstantiated and as often as nuts some of the
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things he tweets are, of course, we should take it seriously. >> stephen: is there a more serious accusation than any president has made about a previous president? >> no, no. >> stephen: if true what, would be the consequences of barack obama having done that? >> he should go to jail because he would have broken the law. but he didn't do it and shouldn't and president trump-- we have a hearing scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, where jim comey will come up and testify publicly and hopefully trump's lie in this case, which is almost certainly is, will be exposed to the world. >> when i day dream now, i day dream, what if nixon or j.f.k. had, had twitter. what they would have done with it. like, if j.f.k. had trump's attitude about twitter, just tweet everything, imagine. >> stephen: j.f.k. might have had an anthony weaner problem. >> you would have to disable the photo thing on twitter for kennedy. >> stephen: okay, so, do you think the health care plan is going to pass this form of it, is going to pass in any way? >> i think it
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enough people off the health care rolls to please most republicans, so no. >> stephen: okay, but if they actually do, that isn't it also dead on arrival because they know it will be a different form of bloodbath in a few years. >> i wish they could have figured out a plan that some democrats could support. there will come a moment, first in the house and then in the senate, when they go to the house and they say, what all presidents say in this situation-- "my presidency is on the line. if this goes down, my presidency is over. it's an existential crisis. you have to vote for it." i think they have a chance to succeed. if they make the perfect the enemy of the good, it will go down and i think that would be a huge problem. if they they will fail on health care, i'm not sure they can restart engine and try to get anything done. >> i think it's unlikely obamacare is going anywhere. this is where governing happens. it's like, you can spend eight years or six years--
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( applause ) saying-- not only saying you're going to repeal it and replace it, but voting to repeal-- not never to replace-- but to repeal it and now the reality of the situation is you-- we have seen what's happened in the last two days. these divisions among republicans -- and i understand what mark is saying about what trump might or might not do-- but the division with republicans is profound. and that there is going to be a middle ground, just seems really unlikely. >> if it passes, have us back on the day of the signing ceremony, and we'll bring donut s. >> stephen: it's a deal. >> okay. >> stephen: mark, john, good to see you. season two of "the circus" premieres march 19 on showtime. mark halperin and john heilemann, everybody! we'll be right back with michael ian black. ♪ it takes two to make a thing go right ♪ ♪ it takes two to make it outta sight ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. before we go any further, happy international women's day, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) can we get a shot of the beautiful dome right there. show the people at home what we've knot here. look at that. isn't that lovely? ( cheers and applause ) here in the united states, we mark the occasion by women taking the day off to show their economic strength. it's called "a day without a woman." or as it should be called by men, "i'm so sorry." there was other symbolic support as well, like the statue of a little girl staring down the wall street bull in lower manhattan. ( applause ) i agree. representing women's daily experience of having to face a ton of
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now, donald trump did his part, respecting women today, by tweeting, "i have tremendous respect for women, and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society, and our economy." not bad. i don't know who wrote that. but-- ( laughter ) not bad. maybe his state of the union team is back. and the day without a woman began early because last night, right before midnight, lady liberty's lights went out. there's just something about 2017 that turns a woman off. 7 ( laughter ) people started wondering, was it in solidarity with women's day? was it a protest against trump's travel ban. turns out it was a scathing indictment of the american power dynamic because it was just a power outage. but it wasn't even intentional symbolism. it did give me one moment-- it gave me a moment of pause. it got me thinking, lady
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torch up for 130 years. she deserves a break. so tonight, filling in for lady liberty, please welcome dude liberty. >> woo! yeah! all right! yeah! what's up, a-bro-ham lincolns. reporting for duplicatey. and yes, i said dooty. >> stephen: you spentidate filling in with holding up the torch for freedom. >> tomorrow is leg day. do you lift, steve? i'll spot you, bro? >> stephen: i do when i can. you're supposed to be a welcoming beam booekon to immigrants fleeing oppression. >> i am, man, just cop a squat, yeah! >> stephen: great. what did you learn from doing a woman's job for a day? >> it's a great gig, i don't know why lady liberty doesn't
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it's free. doesn't cost nothing. turn that frown upside down. >> stephen: i have to say, you really don't seem qualified for the job. >> not true, steve. taking it super serious. i even took that boring poem and made it better. "give me your tired, your porn, with huddled asses. ladies drink free!" >> stephen: dude liberty, everybody. >> "die hard" is the best christmas movie. >> stephen: we'll be right back, stick around. hi. woo! hi. hi. all pants, jeans, and tops up to 40% off. hi, fashion. old navy. [ rock music playing ]
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! there we go. put these on. hey, i can see everything now! welcome back, folks. my next guest is a very funny comedian you know from "wet hot american summer" and amy
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michael ian black. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: good to see you again. >> hi, there. >> stephen: good to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: i like the entire thing you've got going on. the like the dark on dark went mustache. >> yeah, i'm not crazy about the mustache, myself. >> stephen: are you doing it for a part? >> for a tv show, yeah. i feel like i loo look like a background cop. the guy in the background waiting for the real cops to go their jobs. >> stephen: you look like a background cop in a french detective movie. you're too suave looking. >> i'm not normally dressed up. i feel like i'm a single dad with an ix wife who has the kids for the weekend. >> stephen: so you dressed up? >> for this, absolutely, i do. >> stephen: the single dad
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dressed up when his wife leaves town. >> no in my scenario, the guy goes out in his jeans and hoodie. >> stephen: what's your go-to to, applebee's. >> just a burger. >> stephen: i go to the jack daniel's wings. >> you're a lush gli take it any way i can get it. last time you were here you talked about a book you had written called "a child's first book of trump." >> that's right. >> stephen: that was explaining donald trump to children, like if you you encountered a trump in the wild. >> right, it was kind of-- ( laughter ) that's exactly what it is. it's a little bit-- it's a little bit like "goosebumps" for kids. it's a horror story. >> stephen: exactly, and it sold well, i understand. >> it did. >> stephen: people really liked it. now that he is president of the united states, can you explain donald trump to adults? ( laughter ) because we're as confused as children. >> people are asking me, "michael, you're a genius. how did we get-- ( laughter ) to this place
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and i can explain it with a story. thank you. ( laughter ) about two years ago, stephen, it's lunchtime. and i decide to take my son to subway sandwiches. >> stephen: i'm familiar with subway sandwiches. >> yeah. >> stephen: i know that chain subway sandwiches. >> that's the one, subway sandwich s. >> stephen: how old is your son in this scenario? >> he's 13 or 14. >> stephen: 13 years old. >> i decide to go to subway because we both like subway and we have nothing else in common. >> stephen: okay, this is how you bond. >> right. we go to subway and we each had our regular order. he likes the "iitalian" b.m.t. >> stephen: b.m.t. >> that's a sandwich loaded with deli meets maets, none of whiewms of whose names begin with b., m., t. and i like the six-inch chicken breast and that's a classy order. and i can tell. the woman who takes the order --
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order? >> and i know she thinks so because when i order she looks at me like this... ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay, okay. >> so she goes, "would you like cheese?" i say, "no choose." >> stephen: no cheese. >> and now for the first time our eyes meet. and i know what she's thinking. "a-ha, this one is different." and she's right. i am. i am a connoisseur of subway, so i can distinguish between the regular subway sandwich make expert subway sandwich artist. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's what they call their employees. >> that's what they call them. but so few of them earn that title, unless you're talking about the art of abstract expressionism when they fling vegetables willy-nilly across-- that's not the art i'm talking about. >> stephen: you don't want a da-da sandwich. >> no, you do not. the art i'm talking about, stephen, is the art of the ballet. it's a dance, a hand dance. >> stephen: just real quick. we're getting to trump somewhere in here, right? >> d
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( laughter ) she is a perfect maker of sandwiches. she makes-- he puts all the vegetables on. she asks if i want jalapenos, and i do want jalapenos. and then at the end, she says, "what kind of dressing?" i say, "mustard." she puts the mustard on. i say, "a little bit more mustard, please." she puts a little bit more mustard on. she bags the sandwiches. we take them home. my son's sandwich, stephen, is perfect, it's a perfect sandwich. mine, however, there is something amiss. do you know what that is? >> stephen: no cheese. >> you ray fool! stephen, on my sandwich, there is a little too much mustard. do you understand? >> stephen: no. ( laughter ). >> somehow in my arrogance, in my hubris, i had decided that i knew better than this subway sandwich artist how much dressing a subway
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was it sexism? perhaps. ( laughter ) was it-- was it subconscious racism? you bet it was. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what race-- >> two years later, stephen! two years later, donald trump is elected president of the united states. ( laughter ) because jerks like me think they know how to do everything better than the professionals who do it for a living! and that's how we got where we are today! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: thank you. wow. you should write a book. ( laughter ) you have a-- you have a-- a petition. >> i do have a petition. >> stephen: at the white house right now. >> that's right. >> stephen: on the white house website you can put a petition in. >> yes. >> stephen: and it's got a lot of signatures,
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how many does it need? >> 100,000. >> stephen: how many does it have? >> zero as far as i can tell because the white house wasn't tabulating signatures for the longest of time. you would put a petition on the white house website, and no matter how many people clicked on it, it wouldn't tabulate the signature s. >> stephen: is this the trump people doing this? >> i don't know who it was. was it the russians? perhaps. who can say. >> stephen: what's your petition? >> i'll give you the-- i want to get it exactly right. it was "to explain to the american people why president donald j. trump is such a needy little bitch." that was the name of the petition. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: they can just go and sign up? >> they can go and sign in. >> stephen: michael ian black, lovely to see you. michael ian black has a show on itunes. "how to be amazing with michael ian black" is available on itunes and audible. michael ian black, everybody. we'll be right back with cat expert, jackson galaxy. are you familiar with his work
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is one of the rare human stars on animal planet where he hosts, "my cat from hell." >> there is no rational spot with me. and that concerns me. ♪ ♪ >> it's okay, baby. this is a conciliatory gesture. she's literally reaching out to me. there's no cowt in my mind, a shroud disappears from her, that shroud of madness, and reveals a much sweeter version of me, desperate to find her way out. that's why i'm here. >> stephen: please welcome jackson galaxy.
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>> stephen: let's talk about this shroud of madness for a moment. >> the shroud of madness. >> stephen: i look at that foot expaj you see her reaching up on the to you, a conciliatory gesture. i see her saying, "if you move one inch of will tear your eyes out." >> and she did. this was this wonderful moment. the moment of the shroud, and it was gone and she kicked my ass. >> stephen: how does one become-- you are a cat behaviorist, working to help problem cats on "my cat from hell." how does one become a cat behaviorist? do you say i have a cat and i have a common blood type? what i can do with these two skills? how did you become-- how did you get the gig jiefs working at an animal shelter and i never had a cat in my life, really, and the cats would gathe
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pocket. they would just gather, and they started calling me "cat boy" at the shelter. >> stephen: how long ago are we talking here? >> 20, 22 years ago. >> stephen: so you've been working with cats for two years. >> for cats. >> stephen: you do kind of work for cats, don't you? >> i do. they don't pate bills, but yeah. >> stephen: right. so what's the most difficult cat you have ever dealt with? >> well, the one you just saw was close to. that was-- that was a heck of a day. >> stephen: what's a common problem? people bring their cats to you. >> pee, poop, blood, guts. >> stephen: i'm sorry, what was that, pee, poop, blood, guts. >> pee and poop blood and guts. the cat is either peeing someplace they don't want the cat to pea-- "i" "e," or something like that. or they're beating up boyfriend, child, that sort of thing. >> stephen: do you think cats are capable of loving us? >> of course, they are. >> stephen: don't say, of course, they are. they don't
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emotion. i had two cats. >> and liked my cats. i loved my cats. but i didn't always get it back from them. i always get it back from my dog. >> which is why i have dogs. that's exactly it. ( cheers and applause ) listen -- >> stephen: so you take care of cats but you live with dogs. >> you need that payoff, right? you have to have a little bit of a payoff. i don't mind the concept of saying you love me, but then there's the zen love, the temporary love. and that's cats. they definitely put out love. we just don't recognize it a lot of time. we recognize dogs. >> stephen: okay, you have said-- and let me make sure i got this right-- you said, "cats are in touch with what lies beyond the tangible." because it really just looks like they're staring into space to me. ( laughter ) what do you mean? do you mean, like, cats with perceive the spiritual realm? >> absolutely. i totally think that animals in general are in touch with an energetic place that we
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either take for grant, we don't pay attention to it, our minds are too fast or-- you. >> stephen: mean like the dog whistles that they can hear things we can't or do you mean literally spirit realm? >> totally spirit realm. absolutely spirit realm. if you have ever seen your cat just staring at a wall, they're not stare -- >> stephen: hay, i just think-- >> you're staring at me the way they star at a wall. >> stephen: i'm thinking, "they're a cheap date." that's totally entertaining to her. >> i feel like they have the ability to-- not the aof ability it's presence. they have the presence of mind to just be still and observe in a way that we just don't. >> stephen: another let's see-- let's get some cats out here, let's get some cats out here to see how you can help me deal with them. ( applause )
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>> stephen: i had a cat named cootie who had a big butt. so we called her booty. >> stephen: cootie beat. would you like her? >> i'd love to. >> that is pollutey and this is moon. that was completely an accident. it has nothing to do with galaxy. >> stephen: pluto has already scratched me. he has already taken a dig-- >> kittens have little kitten nails. hi, baby dolls. they are, they're sharp as hell. and these little guys are eight weeks old, up for adoption with kitty kind. >> stephen: hold on a sec. very expensive suit! >.>> oh, is it? not anymore. welcome to my world, buddy. >> stephen: another all right. so what do you do when-- the cat's already freaking out on me. >> here we go. mwah! don't be scared. >> stephen: i'm not scared. i just want to make sure-- >> he's got my nk.
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and bring him up to your chest because they're into the heartbeat. >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> these guys have been-- they're only a couple of weeks removed from mom right new -- >> stephen: cats like you when you're warm and you don't move a lot. >> and your heart beats. we're going to start with what i call, "cat i love you." basically, you're going to do a slow blink, right. so if you were talking you would say "i. love. you." ( applause ) >> stephen: i. love. you. ( laughter ). >> oh, god. what a moment! all right, no, but do it to the cat, man. >> stephen: the cat's not looking at me, jackson. >> well you have to hold him. >> stephen: sorry. everything's good. i'm not losing the cat. >> you're losing the cat. >> stephen: i'm a failure as a cat owner. >> here. >> stephen: i'm good. >> take a good look. now, do the
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you going to give a little blink? they're staring at you because -- >> stephen: no effect whatsoever. >> they're scared to death, man. let's do it backstage when the audience is gone. they mike of might be nervous. "my cat from hell" airs on animal planet. jackson galaxy, everyone! we'll be right back. thank you, jackson.
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will be kristen stewart, maz jobrani, and musical guest dawes. now stick around for james corden and his guests samuel l. jackson and january jones. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh tonight on the "late, late show" samuel l. jackson and i re-create his entire film career. >> hold on to your butts. >> plus january jones, music from sting, and it starts now. (cheers and applause)


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