tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am EDT
>> it was there white whale. >> and this team does not have a lot of black whales. >> so true! and then coach took stock of where to put the blame. >> all of us. all of us. myself included. we will need to reflect on how we got to this moment. what we could have done to do it better. >> gary, what do you think they could've done better? >> well, they could've not sucked. instead they sucked so hard it would peel the chrome off a trailer hitch. >> but coach ryan stood by the performance of his star player. >> the president gave his all in this effort. he did everything he possibly could. >> talking about the big man, power center donnie trump, known for his haphazard, lumbering style of play. trump never seemed to be able to grasp the complexity of the game. >> although, he was able to p graslathe dy parts of cheerleaders. ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes jane fonda and lily tom lynn, jay chandraseykhar and musical guest
aimee mann, jon batiste and banned banned. now leave from ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. it feels good to be back on this stage. last week, we were off. we pretended we had new shows on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, but those were actually taped the week before. it was an illusion created by an
and you could watch march madness. so i hope you enjoyed that. ( applause ) go gamecocks! but what a great time to be away from the show. >> jon: right, so nothing happened. >> stephen: nothing happened while i was gone, right? ( laughter ) oh, there's one thing-- the gop finally launched their obamacare repeal. i believe we have footage of that from last week. >> i'm just a bill... ♪ yes, i'm only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here on capitol hill ♪ ( gunshot ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh! wow-wee! ( laughter ) oh, no! don't do it! don't do it! it's just a cartoon, folks. he's fine. well, that did not go as planned. ( laughter )
they're so sure they were going to get this this thing done that an anti-obamacare pac ran a bunch of versions of this ad during basketball after the bill failed. >> republicans are keeping their promise with a new plan for better healthcare. no more big government penalties or job killing mandates. thank congressman greg walden. for keeping his promise and replacing the affordable care act with the better healthcare you deserve. >> stephen: they also ran this ad congratulating kansas for making it to the final four and printed a newspaper declaring -- dewey defeats healthcare reform. ( applause ) pro( piano riff ) and the white house tried to get this through. there was full court press from trump and his people. they tried to
the conservative freedom caucus, even summoning them to the white house where adviser and pre-existing condition, steve bannon, told them -- "this is not a discussion. this is not a debate. you have no choice but to vote for this bill." to which one of the members replied -- "you know, the last time someone ordered me to do something, i was 18 years old. and it was my daddy. and i didn't listen to him either." ( cheers and applause ) no suh! >> jon: i do declare! >> stephen: and, so, i put my in that box of fire crackers and today i'm congressman custas "sparky" jones. so, on friday, lacking the votes they needed, they folded the obamacare repeal and placed it in the cabinet of broken republican dreams next to trickle-down economics and a jesus-shaped fighter jet that
( cheers and applause ) that will get 'em. that will show 'em! >> jon: hey -- >> stephen: they could not get the funding for that somehow. i don't understand. ( laughter ) so it's a failure. so who does trump blame for this failure? >> we had no democrat support. we had no votes from the democrats. >> stephen: not enough votes to get a majority? that didn't stop you from becoming president. ( cheers and applause ) just work your magic! just work your magic! ( piano riff ) it's almost like we're living in some sort of democracy. so he blamed democrats and conservative republicans and moderate republicans. but there is one person trump doesn't blame. here's a hint -- it rhymes with "donald trump."
( laughter ) >> i never said -- i guess i'm here, what, 64 days. i never said "repeal and replace obamacare." you've all heard my speeches. i never said "repeal it and replace it within 64 days." i have a long time. >> stephen: yeah, trump never said he'd repeal obamacare in 64 days. he had a different time frame in mind. >> the first thing we're going to do is repeal and replace obamacare. ( cheers and applause ) my first day in office, i'm going to ask congress to put a bill on my desk. we will immediately repeal and replace the disaster known as obamacare. immediately repealing and replacing obamacare. immediately, immediately repealing and replacing obamacare. >> stephen: immediately. ( cheers and applause ) immediately. immediately. day one, immediately. ( laughter )
so, i guess, technically, he didn't fail on friday. he failed two months ago. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) and after all his campaign promises, nothing! it's almost like you can't trust a fast-talking city slicker who rolls into town promising a magic solution to all our medical needs. i'm starting to doubt the effectiveness of dr. bannon's anti-muslim toad oil. ( laughter ) just rub it on. you just rub it on. >> jon: you just rub it on? >> stephen: you've got to get the muslim to hold still while you rub it on. but it's not my product. i didn't say it worked. just a sponsor. just a sponsor. ( laughter ) trump also doesn't blame-- and this is very important -- paul ryan. speaking of not blaming paul ryan, trump found time to make a tv recommendation, tweg etinon saturday -- "watch @judgejeanine on @foxnews tonight at 9:00 p.m."
well, that's interesting. i wonder what the show was about that night. >> paul ryan needs to step down as speaker of the house. this bill didn't just fail. it failed when republicans had the house, the senate, the white house. and, speaker ryan, you come in with all your swagger and experience and you sell him a bill of goods. based on what?? your legislative expertise? what? your drinks at the hay-adams with your pals!? ryan has hurt you going forward, and he's got to go. >> stephen: but, first, someone give judge jeanine a ride home from the studio. ( laughter ) and, no, i don't know where her shoes are! they're under the couch! ( applause ) so, he must want ryan gone, right, reince priebus?
ryan to resign as speaker? >> well, first of all, i will go on record, we do love judge jeanine, and so does the president. i think it was more coincidental, chris. >> oh, come on. why would he say watch her and then that's the first thing -- >> because he loves judge jeanine, and he wanted to do judge jeanine a favor. i think this is more of a personal relationship, the president helping out a friend. >> stephen: yeah, just -- just helping out a friend. "you shove ryan's head in the toilet, i'll stand by bathroom door and yell for everyone to come watch!" swirly. immediately. ( applause ) well, if he likes judge jeanine, trump's going to love tonight's episode of the late show's pro-trump news team, real news tonight. >> welcome to real news tonight, i'm jim. >> and i'm jill news lady. last
care bill failed but not because of president trump who is a good man. >> great man. very grad. could be blamed on speaker of the house paul ryan. >> the weak boy who smells bad. smells bad, is bad. we turned to sally blazerface. sally. >> paul ryan has gotta go. he came in here with his swagger and his swingin' hips and promised to deliver a hot, juicy pile of health care, and he failed! trump trusted him because of why? because he's a good-time boy palling around getting margaritas with all his pals. and i hate it when schumer and pelosi get to shake their lil' maracas saying trump is no
paul ryan failed republicans. praipaul ryan says, i can't go o hooters anymore because i made the girls cry. paul ryan says i have to drink water. donald trump wouldn't do that. and, donald, you know what? if you're watching, i gotta tell you something -- wait, i want to talk to you! >> stephen: she's going to be fine. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. jane fonda and lily tomlin are here. but first, i'll be over there talking about russia. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ he's got the cash. he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he get's you.
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. jon batiste and "stay human" right there! welcome back! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) so good to be back. >> jon: real good to be back. woo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: listen, john, these people are excited. i'm very excited tonight. i'm very excited. just a minute we'll have jane fonda and lily tomlin sitting over here. jay yeah, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i have made out with one of them. >> jon: i remember that. >> stephen: don't give it away! we'll find out. don't tell my wife! ( laughter ) so what's going on? washington is a mess right now, but that's going to end soon because the white house just announced that trump's son-in-law and leader of the
jared kushner, "will oversee a broad effort to overhaul the federal government." and the government desperately needs overhaul. somebody keeps putting totally unqualified people in charge of really important stuff. that's gotta stop! ( cheers and applause ) kushner will become the head of something called "the office of american innovation." vague. but better than the original title, "the bureau of obvious nepotism." ( laughter ) kushner's job will be to lead a team to fix government with business ideas. you know he has great business ideas like being born into a wealthy real estate family. or "marryinginto a wealthy real estate family. why hasn't the government tried that? ( la
by former business executives, and is being described as a swat team of strategic consultants." alpha niner, there is a budget redundancy in the bureau of weights and measures, kick in the door and shoot anything that moves! ( laughter ) but kushner has a bold vision for the office, saying, "the government should be run like a great american company." and if they can't do that, like a trump company. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) you can go bankrupt. kushner went on to explain, "our hope is that we can achieve successes and efficiencies for our customers, who are the citizens." hold it a second. we're not customers. we're citizens. which means we own the stomplet you work for us, buddy. ( cheers and applaus)
okay? and i gotta say -- i gotta say, while we're on the subject, break time is over. we've got a clean up in aisle five. somebody took a dump in healthcare. so get the mop and go deal with that. okay? no smoking. but i'll say this, if you're going to reshape the entire united states government, you want someone who can really focus on it. luckily, the only other jobs trump has given kushner are "managing the dispute with mexico over trump's border wall," and "brokering mideast peace." ( laughter ) ok, that's a little much for one family member. maybe they should give peace in the middle east to tiffany. ( applause ) yeah, there you go. that will take care of it. of course, jared will still have time for his hobbies like "testifying before the senate intelligence committee on the trump campaign's ties to russia." well -- not if he overhauls the government first. busine
( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll just try it! we'll just try it! let's just run it up the flag pole and see if anybody indicts me. ( laughter ) because there is one other small story i wasn't here to tell you about last week. the fbi is investigating the trump campaign for colluding with russia during the election! you know it was a busy news week when i'm only getting to the treason at 11:56. 11:58. ( applause ) is that right? 12:02? last monday, fbi director james comey said this about an investigation that's been going on since july. >> the fbi, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the russian government's efforts to
presidential election, and that includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the trump campaign and the russian government. >> stephen: wow! the fbi is investigating the president for colluding with a foreign power. that is historic! the only way it would be more historic if you had told us before the (bleep) election! ( cheers and applause ) i know you were busy! checking out the whole hillary email thing, but it would have been nice! ( cheers and applause ) the trump administration denies there was any coordination between their campaign and the russians. instead, trump thinks the fbi needs to change the focus of the investigation, tweeting, the real story that congress, the fbi and all others should be looking into is the leaking of classified information.
must find leaker now! what? what? do i hear you correctly? you're mad that we found out what was happening? with russia. that's like saying, "stop looking for the burglars, i want to know who installed the alarm system. what did adt know and when did they know it? sloman, you can't hide behind that shield forever." ( cheers and applause ) one guy under a lot of suspicion is former trump advisor and man who bought a ferrari with his aunt's social security checks, paul manafort, who, in the past, has been paid $13 million by pro-russian agents in ukraine. but white house press secretary sean spicer says it's no big deal. >> there's been discussion of paul manafort who played a very limited role for a very limited amount of time
>> stephen: "played a very limited role for a very limited amount of time." yeah, manafort was only the campaign's chairman and chief strategist. he didn't have an important job like "son-in-law." ( laughter ) we'll be right back with jane fonda and lily tomlin. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪ adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. (sing-songy) i'm a fat guy in a little coat. fat guy in a little coat.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ it's a family affair ♪ it's a family affair >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, between the two of them, my next guests have two oscars, eight emmys, a grammy, two tonys, and some workout tapes. ( laughter ) they now star in the netflix series "grace and frankie". >> grace -- i am a private person. you are thest
person in the world! first time i met you, you pulled off your shirt and said, do these things look right to you? >> look, i haven't had time to tell you because my whole life has been working with you and sleeping with jacob. this is why we need more coffee breaks. >> i have been there for every should i and shouldn't i with you two. how could you leave me hanging now? >> i don't know, you made such a big deal out of sex and the vagina, and it is a big deal. having a pair of scissors on the bedside table just doesn't set the right tone. >> stephen: please welcome jane fonda and lily tomlin. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for inviting us. >> stephen: nice to see you. nice to see you again. >> stephen: how have you been? good, you know. i have been great, i have been fantastic. >> stephen: not a contest, but lily seems to be winning. >> things don't affect her as much as they affect me. >> stephen: you guys have known each other 32 years? >> 72 years. >> stephen: oh you met during the hoover administration. ( laughter ) 37 years ago, 9:00 to 5:00. kind of a ground-breaking movie. it's like a women's power in the workplace comedy, but i understand it didn't start off as a comedy. >> no, i co-produced it. we started it
comedy. one night i went to see lily in her one show appearing nightly and i was smitten and i said i don't to make a movie about secretaries unless she's in it. then i turned on the radio on my way home and she was playing two doors down. imagine if dolly parton was playing secretary -- of course you coulden see her hands -- but i had to have them to turn it into a coldy. it took a year to convince them. >> stephen: it took a year? to get her and dolly to do it. >> stephen: hi didn't you want to do it? >> i didn't want to do a cheap comedy. >> stephen: you're an artist on broadway. >> i was looking at something more serious. i had to persuade her that i wasn't the right person for her. >> she's not kidding. not kidding? it took a year to convince her and after a week of shooting
to let her go and she would give the week with's money back. >> stephen: is that true? yes. >> stephen: why did you want to back out after a week? >> i saw myself on doreen south korean in the dailies and i was talking to the birds that weren't there and i was not doing a good job and i thought, oh, i'm going to be horrible in this. it was my only second movie -- third movie, i guess. >> so? >> stephen: but you stayed friends? >> i was so glad, i saw the next day's dailies, and i was so good! ( applause ) >> stephen: that's the danger, you can't watch yourself. >> i begged her so let me be in it. >> i watch all the daily lis and then report to her. >> stephen: really? i do. we did stay friends. >> oh, we did. we did. >> stephen: i understand you guys did the women's march out
in -- >> l.a. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: a shock to everybody. >> 750,000 people, men, women, baby carriages, wheelchairs. >> dogs. were there, yes ( laughter ) snowyou've done some protesting in the past, jane. ( cheers and applause ) >> right. >> stephen: this is you arrested for protesting in 1970. that's a good mug shop. nobody ever gets one that good. >> i was accused of smuggling drugs. they were vitamin pills. the guy arresting me said he was taking orders from the nixon white house. it was a frameup. >> stephen: were you on the nixon enemies list? >> well, i just -- yes, i was! ( laughter ) >> stephen: what an honor! i know! >> stephen: if i find out i wasn't on trump's enemy list, i will be very insulted. >> donor
there. >> stephen: did you get arrested? >> well -- no. >> stephen: would you like a lawyer present before you answer that question, lily tom lynn? >> i kind of would. >> stephen: i'm going to point something out here, jane fonda, if i may. >> i know what you're going to do. >> stephen: you're making lemonade out of lemons. here's your mug shot. if you go to janefonda.com you can buy a mugshot mug. did you know this was for sale? ( applause ) >> it's my blog! >> stephen: well i don't run the store at cbs. i don't know what they're selling with my face on it. >> all the money goes to my nonprofit. >> stephen: goes for charity, that's nice. ( applause ) so the revolution will not be televised but will be mem merchandised. >> i have a business model for
adult diapers, they could be called trumpers, to help with all the leaks! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: young ladies. yes. >> stephen: let's talk about your show, "grace and frankie." >> yes. >> stephen: you're two friends who end up living together after your husbands fall in love with each other and leave you. >> yes. >> stephen: you support each other and you have been friends for a long time. you go into business in season 3. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is the business you go into. >> adult vibrators for older women. at the end of season 2 a very dear friend of ours gives us both presents and the one she gives me is a vibrator and grace never used one and she ends up with carpal tunnel syndrome and she can't read the directions because they're too small, so they decide to make vibrators for adult women with very easily movable heads so you don't have to move -- you
great rubber sleeve you put on. and also the printing is big and the speeds glow in the dark. >> stephen: what glows in the dark? >> the speeds -- you know, slow, medium, fast. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good. good. and is your character on board with this? >> oh, yeah, well, i was familiar with vibrators before. ( laughter ) my character was familiar. >> stephen: sure. by the way, i have been told by cbs that we can discuss this as long as it's in the context of the show. >> and anatomically correct. >> stephen: really? yes, that's what we were told. >> stephen: because i don't know of any penises that do this. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> it's for women! >> stephen: i know, but anatomically correct what? what is it that's anatomically correct? >> no slang. >> stephen:
you can't call it like a steely dan or something. ( laughter ) >> tell her what the name of it is. >> stephen: what's the name. he'll criticize my french but it's m -- menage amoir. >> stephen: se la vie! ( laughter ) lovely to see you both. >> notice our planned parenthood pins. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: season 3 of "grace and frankie" is available on netflix. jane fonda and lily tomlin, everybody! back with jay chandrasekhar! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the program! ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight wrote, directed, and starred in the cult hit "super troopers," which is about to get it's long-awaited sequel. please welcome jay chandrasekhar! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: jay, did i pronounce that correctly? chandrasekhar? >> yeah. >> stephen: and is jay your full name? >> my full name is giant jumbalingam chandrasekhar.
it translates to victorious large penis rising moon. >> stephen: what was that like growing up with a middle name "large penis"? >> here's the thing. i was 25 and made a short film and i put my name in the credits. i was showing it to my friend's mom and she sees it and bursts into laughter. i said what? she says, do you know what your name means? i said, no. she says, large penis. i said, what?! so i called my own mom and i said, mom, does my middle name mean "large penis"? she says, well, literally, yeah. ( laughter ) but, you know -- ( applause ) >> stephen: what? is it
>> my father, my son, my grandfather. she says, it's a euphemism for power. i'm, like, yeah, but it means large penis, right? she said, yeah. i said, i was an indian kid growing up in the suburbs, trying to hit on girls, not having a lot of luck. would have been helpful to know. >> stephen: you would have to translate for them. >> i do it all the time now. >> stephen: yeah. i tell anybody who'll talk to me. >> stephen: yeah. large penis, my middle name is large penis. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> that's my middle name. >> stephen: that's pretty great. congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you also, you, obviously, you wrote, directed and starred in "super troopers." >> yeah. >> stephen: 16 years ago, great film. >> thank you. >> stephen: crazy funny. thank you. >> stephen: the sequel is coming out this year? >> yeah, maybe the summer or fall. >> stephen: why 16 years between the two films? >> it's hard to make a
it's hard to raise the money. we had to crowd fund the sequel. we went out to the audience and we raised $4.7 million from them. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: better than applause. did you promise them tickets to the premiere? >> yeah, the premiere, you could be an extra in the film, we would name a character after you. the indecent proposalle, for $24 million, one of us would father a child with your wife. it's still available. >> stephen: naming rights still available. >> still available. >> stephen: you have a new book called ""mustache shenanigans," making "super troopers" another
success is the ability to party. >> yeah. >> stephen: how does that come in handy, the ability to party? >> i went to coal gate, and it's a hard partying school -- well, i'll give you an example. i made a film called "dukes of hazzard" and willie nelson was in the movie, right? ( applause ) i'm a huge willie nelson fan. on the first day he's doing his fitting, we go to see him, me and my provider, and we say, you know, willie wanted to invite you to a steak dinner. he said, great, i'll come. my producer walks away. willie says, come on over to the bus before dinner and let's get hungry. and i'm, like, all right. >> stephen: i have been on that bus. >> have you? >> stephen: you don't want to stay on that bus for long. ( laughter ) >> i smoked a lot of grass in college and i said to willie, willie, i just want you to know, office pretty big pot ske
college. he's, like, all right. i'm, like, every day. he says, cool. right before dinner i go to the bus and willie and two other guys are sitting in the kitchen area and i'm standing and willie is rolling joints. he rolls so fast they're rolled and in your mouth in 20 seconds. so i'm smoking this joint with him and i'm, like, this is cool. willie is trolling second joint. two joints, four guys, that's how it goes down. i'm smoking this thing and i realize i'm too missed up. i'm dizzy and my mouth is dry and i need something to parch my thirst. i said, willie, do you have a beer? he says i don't keep beer on the bus because it leads to darkness. i'm, like, it's getting pretty dark over here, will, right? and there he is rolling a third joint. and i'm panicking bau
can't smoke anymore and a guy is telling a funn funny story, ands rolling a fourth joint. i'm holding a joint in each hand, he has one in each hand. the conversation stopped and everyone's looking at me. i can't smoke anymore and i passed the joints and he said, what's i don' wrong? i said, i'm good. he said, say, i submit. i said, i submit. he said, big (bleep) smoker. >> stephen: don't go on that bus. that bus is dangerous. thanks for being here! the book is ""mustache shenanigans." comes out tomorrow. huge penis, everybody. ( band playing ) back with performance by aimee mann. t i can redefine... power... footwork...
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no white marks on black clothes. new degree ultraclear black + white. it won't let you down. i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be hank azaria, kate walsh and a performance by "circus 1903". now stick around for james corden and his guests, j.j. redick and scott bakula. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from