tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 10, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes megan mullally and nick offerman. aaron taylor johnson. dave matthews. and a performance by dave matthews and tim reynolds. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> jon: i like that! >> stephen: good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) hey! thank you, everybody. thank you, so
welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. i feel the same way about you. well i have-- i have gone through a lot of thoughts today. it's been a historic day. we have reached a milestone as a nation. it's not just that the president fired the head of the f.b.i. okay. no, here's the milestone-- we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care what anything looks like. which is surprising fair guy whose actual face we've never seen. ( laughter ) now-- no idea. >> jon: man, man. nope. >> stephen: firing jim comey, head of the f.b.i., really feels like authoritarianism 101. which, by the way, a very difficult class. the professor is a total nazi. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, so strict. so strict. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: tough guy. >> stephen: the question is, why did t
now, while it looks like donald trump fired james comey to stop the russia investigation... that is why. ( laughter ) because-- i'm pretty confident. because one thing we've learned from the last two years of donald trump is that what it seems like he's doing is exactly what he's doing. ( laughter ) there's no grand strategy. ( cheers and applause ) he's not-- he's not-- he's not some puppet master. >> jon: right. >> stephen: he's not some wizard playing three-dimensional chess. he's playing "hungry hungry hippos." he's just slapping till he gets all the marbles. mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! there's nothing deeper going on. he's a baby pool. you could not get your ankles wet in donald trump. now, the word is, trump has been planning to fire comey for at least a week, right? and he evidently asat
with reasons to fire him. so that's yet department of justice is now the department of justification. apparently over at d.o.j.-- ( applause ) over at d.o.j., apparently, that job fell to deputy attorney general and man staring at you from the produce section, rod rosenstein. ( laughter ) hi. hey, the name's rod. ( laughter ) yes. recently divorced. hi. ( laughter ) and the best reason rosenstein could come up with was, "i cannot defend the director's handling of the conclusion of the investigation of secretary clinton's emails." okay, so they're claiming trump fired comey for how he treated hillary clinton. that doesn't make sense. we all remember his rallies when the crowds chanted, "treat her fairly! treat her fairly!"
and that would certainly explain trump's new t-shirt. very big of him. very generous. very big of him. now, everybody was shocked by this. especially the shockee, because comey found out he was fired during a meeting when a television in the background flashed the news. well, that's certainly on brand because firing people on tv is trump's qualification for being president. ( cheers and applause ) now at first-- at first comey-- and this is true-- did not take the news seriously, reportedly saying he thought it was a fairly funny prierchg. james comey, you didn't just get pranked. you got... trump'd. what! what! trump'd! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: the hat
touch. >> stephen, of course, that wasn't the end of it. donald trump eventually did send a letter: "while i greatly appreciate you informing me on three separate occasions, that i am not under investigation, i nevertheless concur with the judgment of the department of justice that you are not able to effectively lead the bureau." did you catch that? he's saying this is not about the russia investigation in a letter firing comey for the russia investigation. that is clever. that is like carving your alibi on the murder weapon. hold on one second-- "not donny's gun. i think the maid did it. sad!" ( laughter ) "build the wall." ( cheers and applause ) so comey has been fired, or as fox news put it, "james comey resigns."
easy mistake. >> jon: resigned? >> stephen: obviously, fog of war. it's easy to get things wrong on a breaking story. i mean, who can forget the "new york herald's,," lincoln commits suicide." but-- too soon. despite commie's firing, maine senator susan colins is certainty russian investigations will continue. >> well, the president didn't fire the entire f.b.i. >> stephen: don't give him any ideas! dummy! i could do that. could i do that? tell them to turn their tvs on. but this investigation is not going to go away quietly. comey's firing is historically unprecedenteprecedented with one exception. >> some are comparing comb's firing to president
saturday night massacre. he wanted archibald cox fired. >> reminiscent of watergate. >> echoes of watergate. >> the whole echo of watergate is very strong here. >> stephen: yes, listen closely, children, and you can hear the echo of watergate. i am not a crook-oook-oook. that's my nixon. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) but i'll tell you what, i'll tell you who does not buy the nixon comparison. the nixon listen. yesterday they tweeted, "fun fact: president nixon never fired the director of the fbi." ( laughter ) ( applause ) that is fun. yeah. fun fact: that's the nixon library's only "fun" fact! ( laughter ) thst
hey, you know who else was shocked? donald trump. because both sides of the aisle have been mad at comey over the years, white house officials believed comey's firing would be a "win-win." why would trump think this is win-win? even his election was lose-win. now, president knows-- bought he didn't get the majority vote. there will be flash cards later, footnotes, everything. the entire monologue is online thth links. ese prident knows, eventually, all his critics will come around, tweeting, "comey lost the confidence of almost everyone in washington, republican and democrat alike. when things calm down, they will be thanking me!" all right, how should we thank him? how should we thank him? we should get him something special. how about a special prosecutor ( cheers and applause ) now-- wrap it up, a little bow. a little
( cheers and applause ) now, as usual, as usual, trump's spokespeople scrambled to clean up the mess. they even re-hydrated kellyanne conway-- moisture. leave her in a dish for about halfap hour. like those dinosaur sponges. so she could go talk to a disbelieving anderson cooper. watch his eyes. >> you're comparing two things that don't belong together. thanks for the trip down memory lane. i was on your show often last fall saying how we were going to win michigan and how we were going to do it. so that was fun. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: did you catch that? he couldn't possibly shor
i'm being told he can: >> i was on your show often last fall, saying we were going to win michigan and saying how we could do it. so that was fun. here's what happened today, today, not in the campaign, in the white house. it's just-- it's a confluence of events. what mr. rosenstein says is so important. he says, "the f.b.i.'s reputation and credibility have suffered substantial damage." "i cannot defend the director's handling of the conclusion of the investigation of secretary clinton's emails." "the f.b.i. director is never empowered to supplant federal prosecutors and pursue command of the justice department." "we do not hold press conferences to release derogatory information about an investigation." he also says-. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, anderson. he's a good man. good man. , of course, no trump catastrophe would bepl
secretary and original boss baby, sean spicer. last night, spicer was heading into his office but couldn't get there without running into a throng of reporters, so he hid in the bushes to avoid answering their questions. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) "are they still out there? hey, i found reince priebus's frisbee!" ( laughter ) get it! so why did this really happen? evidently, trump got angry that the russia investigation wouldn't disappear. not only wot russia investigation not disappear. just a few days ago, comey reportedly asked the justice department for a significant increase in money and personnel for the bureau's
oooh, i love a good mystery. in this case, "nancy drew and the case of the blatantly obvious motive." laugh we've got a great show for you tonight. when i come back, i'll talk to comedy power couple nick offerman and megan mullally! stick around! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) i was out here smoking instead of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how. every great why we, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. we want unlimited entertainment. so we can stream unlimited action. watch unlimited robots. watch unlimited romance. if you are into that. but we also want more like...
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human right over there, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: a great group of people. >> jon: it's a great group of people. >> stephen: and they deserve a great show. i had so much fun-- did you guys see the show last night, "the daily show"
we had jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. which is great, sitting around like we all used to sit around back at the old days at the old gig. the thing is, we couldn't fit all of it on the show last night because we did a sit-down with all six of us. and that actually went for 32 minutes? something like that. and we got, like, 12 of it on the air. but you can go online. you can go on to cbsallaccess tonight. it's all 32 minutes. it's uncensored, and it's the entire 32 minutes without a break, right? i've watched it twice. ( laughter ) and i know what i'm saying. it's so great. check it out. check it out. really special. i don't think you'll ever see that again. ladies and gentlemen, i'm pretty excited about this, too. you know my first guests from
we have the table you made for me. >> it's quite beautiful. it's holding up. >> stephen: and we got the coasters that you made for me the last time. >> and i made this mug. >> stephen: uh-huh. does he-- is it nice having the handy man around. >> can i see one of those real quick? >> stephen: sure. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm sorry. i'm sorry. yes. ( cheers and applause ) i apologize. i apologize. we're not animals. we're not animals. is it nice having a handy man who makes things. has he made you, like, anything special? >> um, he's very good with his hands... ( laughter ) >> stephen: and how is he with his wood? ( laughter ) >> excellent. >> stephen: excellent. has he crafted you anything nice? like is it sort of like a kid making a macaroni frame for his mom. >> he's made me many macaroni frames which come in handy. he has mae
as a matter of fact, the box that the engagement ring was in when he proposed to me was handcashed and it was heart-shaped in kind of 3d, and i opened it up and there was the ring. pretty good. >> stephen: pretty sexy. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you know he made it? did he say, "i made this?" >> well, yeah, i assumed. >> stephen: did you make it? >> i did make it. >> stephen: i just wanted to confirm. i just wanted to confirm. >> that would be crazy if it finally came out that he did not make it. >> stephen: he just went to jared. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you-- you have a new project going on. you have a new wood project going on over there. besides the table, you have something in your pocket. >> we do, thank you. >> stephen: i assume it's not a murder weapon. >>y brought you a couple of these -- >> stephen: what-- >> they're the offerman wood shop mother's and father's day card. it's about an eighth inch, maybe 5/64 of american cherry.
cherry. it's the most charismatic of the domestic hardwoods. and the closest to red, the color of love. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's really nice. now where can people get these? >> offermanwoodshop.com. you can get tables and coasters and cards. >> stephen: mao mother's day is this sunday. >> indeed. >> stephen: so is there time to get this for mother's day? do you do express shipping? >> i imagine if you order right now. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it won't get there in time. >> we can guarantee it by next wednesday. >> stephen: good. and you'll find out how much your mother actually loves you by sending a card late. you guys are #relationship goals. you are very open about your love for each other and your sexual love for each other. and you have a show you're launching again this summer. it's called "summer of 69: no apostrophe." okay. ( lauger
>> stephen: now, how-- how-- how sexy does the show get? >> well, if you like live sex acts... >> stephen: i live in new york. ( laughter ) do you guys have a-- do you have a power couple name? you are a celebrity power couple and you have to have one-- you have to have a brangelina. filliam h.must haveman. >> we want one. >> stephen: we have a couple of options. see if this works out. how did you guys meet, by the way? >> we met doing a play in the year 2000. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it sounds like you met in the future, but it was 17 years ago. i realized that-- so what was the play? what was the play? were you immediately attracted to each other? >> no. we met-- i was-- it was after the second season of "will & grace." >> stephen: so you were faims at this point. you're famous. >> i don't know. but he wasvi
sleeping on a couch in someone's basement, so great catch. ( laughter ) and we both were in the play. and we were kind of, like, screwing around doing bits between scenes. >> and started thinking that he was really funny, and we were becoming friends. and then one day i thought, wait a minute. is he sexy? and-- ( laughter ) i -- >> stephen: how do you verify that? >> yeah. i'm still working on it. ( laughter ) not really. >> i can take it? >> he's very sexy. so then, i didn't want to get involved with anybody, but he did. >> stephen: especially somebody you work with. >> especially somebody i was working with. but he was very, very persistent. he has a great work ethic. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and he was working it. >> and he was workin it. and it paid off. >> i plied my troaght. >> stephen: oh, you p
troaght. i really do need a glossary for this interview. ii want to take the s.a.t.s right after this conversation. in the show you reveal a lot of personal things about yourself. any particular personal stories that you could share with the audience they could tell without bleepg on the show? >> well, you could-- i mean, i know you can say this word on television, but i wrote a song in the show where we reveal a lot of trivia about ourselves that nobody knows. and one of the things is that nick once had poison ivy on his-- poison oak on his penis. so... ( laughter ). >> stephen: uh-huh. and, nick, how did that come about? >> well... >> stephen: thereby hangs a tale. >> funny you should ask. >> stephen: we'll find out. >> i-- i like walking and hiking and running in the woods. and there was a trail... ( laughter ) and there was a beautiful poison oak tree with-- with an orif
ground. i-- i must have brushed against some poison oak and inadvertently got the oil in my hands and took a leak in the woods. >> stephen: and there's a song about this. there's a song. >> it's much better in "g." >> yeah. but the-- the end piece to this tale is that just two-- not two months ago, we were in the same place, and he took a hike again on the same trail. poison oak. ( laughter ). >> stephen: everywhere? >> i can't get enough of it. >> he's very consistent. >> stephen: keep it in your pantsz, my friend. >> i kept it below midthigh this time. >> yeah, just barely. >> stephen: well, guys, thank you so much for being here. thank you, again for the wood products. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: what's our celebrity name. >> stephen: wisconsi
celebrity name? oh, (bleep) i didn't do that. we have twoings ons for you. two options. we have negan awfulman. again, it's a portmento. or mcmulifeman. i think it's mcmulliferman "summer of 69: no apostrophe" premieres next friday on epix. megan mullally and nick offerman. we'll be right back with aaron taylor-johnson. thank you soich. and diarrhea. i tried lifestyle changes and over-the-counter treatments, but my symptoms keep coming back. it turns out i have irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea, or ibs-d. a condition that's really frustrating.
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well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey,
ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is a golden globe winner you know from the "kick-ass" movies and quicksilver "the avengers." his new film is "the wall." >> you got eyes on him? i think i got a shot. >> i'm going for it, man. you got eyes? >> no, no, no, no! he'd shoot you before you can get-- you hear me? >> i'm here. >> stephen: please welcome aaron taylor-johnson. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
( applause ) >> stephen: as i was saying to the people, welcome to the show. as i was saying to the people when i introduced you, they know you from the "kick-ass" movies and "the avengers." "nowhere boy" "savages" "ana karenina" "nocturnal animals." you have so many onscreen looks here. here are all the different versions of aaron taylor-johnson right there. i don't know if i would necessarily recognize you if i saw you in the street. do you get recognized a lot because you have so many different looks here? >> sometimes. occasionally i've been mistaken for other actors as well. which has been confusing. >> stephen: thams, that happens. >> yeah. yeah. yeah. the worst time was actually oliver stone when actually "savages" was-- it was the first time i actually got a straight-up offer for a role, especially for a leading role.
have to audition. they just said you can have the thing. >> i didn't have to audition, which was bizarre to me. it was actually quite shocking. and it transpired that he thought i was-- he was trying to explain to the other cast like, you know, how he cast me. "i saw this fantastic performance of you. i can't remember what it was called but you were wearing a black leather jacket in it." and i said nowhere boy." >> and he said, "no. you were playing cards and really brilliant and you did this thing and you laid it down." and i was trying to think what is that? and right at that time, "21" was really big, right. and i walked out kind of going, okay, great. and i was really embarrassed because he was kind of bragging in front of a bunch of people. and i was like, "thanks for that." and i walk away again and he thought i was jim sturgis. >> stephen: so he cast you from a movie he saw you in but he didn't see you, he saw jim
sturgis. >> jim sturgis did a fantastic job and i got the job. >> stephen: congratulations. congratulations. that is really easy work. >> yeah, i mean -- >> stephen: did you ever tell him he was wrong? >> no, that was the first-- i feel a bit nervous now, this is the first -- >> stephen: this is how he's finding out you're not jim sturgis? >> yes, unfortunately. >> stephen: they've already paid you and everything, right? >> yeah. i should really thank jim for that. i've never met him, either. but anyway... >> stephen: the new movie that you're in "the wall," you play a u.s. soldier. and you say you gained 30 pounds for it? >> yeah. >> stephen: is that to play a soldier or to play an american? ( laughter ). >> i better not answer that one. but-- ( applause ) >> stephen: how did you do it? i always hear about these stories like de niro bulky up for "raging bull." did you do it in a fun way or anything like that? >> i just wanted to pack on the pounds so i got really into eating in and out burger. and i almost
nieps i've met john cena. that's about right. >> at the end of the day. he was busy, we only had him for four days, and he'd come in and out from places and he'd get up from laying in the dirt, covered in sandstorm crap and everything. and you'd see this 250-pound man squeeze into a three-piece suit and jet off to tokyo or something, you know. >> stephen: to do some wrestling or something like that? >> we were in the desert as well, literally, the shoes, the three-piece shoes, pink shirt, tie. remarkab. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet you. thank so much for being here. "the wall" is in theaters this friday. aaron taylor-johnson, everybody. we'll be right back with dave matthews. i love that tie. nobody does
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folks my next guest is a grapy award-winning artist who has sold over 35 million albums. please welcome dave matthews. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) dave matthews! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: if i'm not mistaken we haven't met before. have we met before? >> we did once, but i was star struck and you were busy. you looked busy at the time. >> stephen: really? >> it was real quick. and there was a lot happening for you. i think we were in jersey at a film festival. >> stephen: a lot of things happened for me in jersey. yeah it's a very busy-- >> i was like -- >> stephen: but i've seen you before because i've been to your concerts and there's nothing like a dave matthews concert. ( cheers and applause ) the energy-- the energy that your fans bring-- i saw you in
charleston coliseum, or whatever it's called, north charleston, south carolina, and i didn't hear all of the words to your songs because the crowds get so excited at your concerts that they never shut up. >> sometimes i think-- i think sometimes yeah i don't know-- sometimes i get paranoid. i'm really paranoid on stage air, lot of times. i mean i smile but i'm like-- and my whole band knows it. and i turn around to carter, and-- my drummer. >> stephen: is that a side effect. >> theyt could be. sometimes i look at the audience and think they're having a great time. and that's a good night. and then i look at them and say why are they talking to each other? why aren't they looking at me. >> stephen: because they're saying i'm at a dave math use concert. 25 years on the road. >> we've gone from when they used to hold lighters up, and that looked like stars, and it wa
>> and now they hold cell phone-- cell phones up, and it's also pretty, but it's more consistent. it's more-- it's like digital stars. it's not quite-- it's not quite candle s. >> stephen: doesn't flicker. >> not quite candle flame. it's still lovely because they move and that's nice. but i feel like-- that's why i field old-timey because i'm from the days of fire. ( laughter ) >> stephen: they're not up there rubbing two sticks together. >> no, no. >> stephen: now, do you have kids? >> i have three kids. i have twin girls who are 15. and they're taller than my wife. and -- >> stephen: is she a tall person? i don't have a scale. >> she's tall. but you know, you're a parent so you know that it's-- it's-- those are like landmark moments. my wife would say, "i don't want--" i feel really weird. "i don't want my kids to be taller than me," and then they are. >> stephen: you havehi
accurate, too. >> stephen: it's kind of nice to be raised by this person instead of... >> yeah, but he did a good nirvana. >> stephen: you're like a king of festivals. what do you think of the fire festival a week and a half another the people that got trapped in the danger zone. >> i don't want to belittle suffering, but i do think-- i do hope the fyre festival goes down almost as fantastic as woodstock because it's one of the greatest things that happened. it's terrible. i know it's terrible. >> stephen: what's great about it to you? >> just like that kind of disappointment. that kind of surprise. ( laughter ) it's just-- that's just-- that's just like -- >> stephen: because the way it was hyped up. >> you know like-- it's one of-- one of the beers that has a lot of advertising money, like a guy just bursts through doors and every time the doors open or a curtain swings open, thing get better. and you're like, "wow, wouldn't that be great if life was like
that." that's not what that is. the fyre festival is exactly the opposite of that. it's like "man it's going to be..." "it's the worst! it's the best." >> stephen: well, you've got a vineyard. you've got a vineyard in virginia. >> screw top. >> stephen: screw top. all the best, all the best. yup. ( laughter ) and it's right down the street from mr. trump's vineyard, right? >> yeah, i can see-- well, the house. >> stephen: yup. >> from my vineyard. >> stephen: yup. >> i can look across the valley, and there-- and there it is. >> stephen: all right. well -- >> cheers. >> stephen: that's lovely. it's got-- >> i think it is lovely. >> stephen: it's got a lovely nose. >> it's not easy to make wine in the southeast, but we do a pretty good job. >> stephen: oh, i could get drunk on that. they needed this at the fyre festival. >> we would have supplied it. >> stephen: you're doing a
>> it's called cop. >> stephen: and what is that about? >> it's not about a samurai cop. >> stephen: we'll find out with a performance by dave matthews and tim reynolds. stick around. have updated our terms and conditions. one. from now on, the word "television" will no longer be defined as that thing over there on the wall. we want all our things to be television things. phones. ipads. refrigerators. heart monitors. ok, maybe not heart monitors. two. our shows and movies. we want them when we want them. so they should go with us. anywhere? you got that right, kid show thing. three. nothing beats live. so we want to stream all that sweet live stuff. like football. red carpets. and yelling. wait! what are we yelling about, guys? four. we don't just want unlimited data. we want unlimited entertainment. like unlimited hbo. can i stop dying now mark? c'mon man. it's unlimited. last thing.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was beautiful. thanks, dave. that was beautiful, man, thanks so much. dave matthews and tim reynolds everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ when you have doctors working as a team for your health, you get the care you need to help you thrive. ♪ visit kp.org to learn more.
republican leaders are to affordable health care. i'm tom perriello and in congress i voted for obamacare because it was wrong that a million virginians weren't covered while insurance companies held all the power. now i'm running for governor because it's wrong that most virginia incomes haven't gone up in 20 years. together, we can stop donald trump, raise wages and build an economy that works for everyone. and we'll make sure this never happens in virginia.
that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mayim bialik, andy karl and comedian ramy yousseff. now stick around for james corden and his guests betty white, ben mckenzie, and amy brenneman. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the