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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 21, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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ghost, ghost. ♪ ♪ this ghost likes to gander going in for the kiss. i can join? >> yeah, i'm here. i was just having a cocktail with marilyn monroe and the wright brothers. >> i think maybe it was my fault. >> bingo! >> i don't know what the hell went wrong. >> you fly like a maniac. >> ghost goose. ♪ get on social media and start lobbying for ghost goose using this hashtag, and tell america that you feel the need, the need for ghost goose. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes jeffrey tambor
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john benjamin hickey. and musical guest lake street dive. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. hey, everybody! welcome. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i'm so excited for summertime. is anyone here looking forward to fourth of july ( cheers and applause ) u
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forward to that? the senate republicans, because they've given themselves a july fourth deadline for their bill to gut obamacare. so, if you're going to blow your fingers off with fireworks, do it on the 3rd. ( laughter ) now, with that deadline looming, senate majority leader mitch mcconnell is rushing to put the bill together in what's being described as "a frantic scramble," which is the best way to make all your healthcare decisions. "honey, what do you make of this mole on my thigh?" cut off the leg and burn it in a pit!" ( cheers and applause ) now-- i'm sure it's fine. i'm sure it's fine. the tough part of this has been getting republican moderates to vote for the bill. they don't like the idea of phasing out extra federal funding for medicaid in 2020. which is the plan right now. so, to lure them in, mcconnell is prong
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"i'm sorry, mitch, i cannot in good conscience vote to take away life-saving healthcare from low-income people. what's that? three years later? i'm in!" ( laughter ) but we don't know too much about what will be in the final bill, because all of the negotiations so far have taken place behind closed doors. they even put a sock on the doorknob so no one barges in while they're screwing poor people. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now-- there it is. it's very polite, just polite. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: okay. to protest the republicans' secrecy, democrats have vowed to slow work in the senate to a crawl. yes, a crawl, down from its current speed of "toddler on benadryl." sounds delicious. i might go for a little bit of that right now. they make a grape flavor that is just amazing.
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and they're especially mad because back when they were drafting the obamacare bill, the senate debated the measure on the floor for 25 days. but now republicans want to limit debate on their bill to just 20 hours. or about the same amount of time as binge watching the new "twin peaks," except "twin peaks" is less confusing. ( laughter ) so the senate has not debated health care in the open, but so far this year, they have debated topics like airline overcrowding, outer space settlements, and pool and hot tub safety. which is good, it's a very good thing. because if their health care bill passes, sitting in a hot tub may be your only choice for birth control. kills the swimmers. but-- ( applause ) hot tub fans. hot tub fans. and republicans are getting desperate to pass something, anything. it's looking so dire, that the gop is considering cancelling
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salvage their agenda. well, that's too bad. no recess? recess is when they get to play their favorite game: dodge-voter. what else is happening? there's more turmoil in the middle east. iran just banned zumba classes for being "un-islamic." now, in iran, zumba had been advertised under names like "body rhythm" or "advanced aerobics" because "dancing is technically illegal." oh, come on, iran! you can't make dancing illegal! that never works. some hot dude's just going to come in from the big city and rile up the youth by dancing to kenny loggins in a warehouse. all right? all right? ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) i don't know-- i don't know what that is. i don't know what that is. no. and do-- and do i
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you that kevin bacon is not halal? thank you very much. you're very kind, very nice. >> jon: i like that one. >> stephen: he's surprised because i don't think that joke was in rehearsal. anyone here have a ken doll growing up? ken was great. ken was great. though he does give young girls an unrealistic view of how willing their boyfriends will be to wear matching outfits. well, there's big ken news, once again, there's big ken news. because "good morning america" unveiled a whole new line of ken dolls. >> more than five decades after we first met barbie's guy ken, mattel is announcing a new diverse line of ken dolls featuring three different body types, including broad, slim, and original. >> stephen: that is a huge, huge update from the old ken body type-- sexless and melted.
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but there's one new ken that's clearly the standout. >> there are seven different skin tones to choose from and nine different hairstyles and even-- >> a man bun. >> one has a man bun, which i'm looking at right there. >> stephen: that's right, that's right, that's right. man bun ken! for when you want your barbie to hold down two jobs to support her boyfriend until his app takes off. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's just a couple more-- "just a little while, babe, just a little while." it's great that mattel is going for diversity, but you have to admit, it's kind of weird that barbie will date anyone as long as they're named ken. ( laughter ) "so let me get this straight-- every boyfriend before me was also named ken? stop the malibu dream car right now. i'm getting out." quick question-- and this is important, i want to you answer honestly. any cops in the audience? you have to tell me if you're a cop or this is
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no, okay, let's talk about drugs. police in texas recently busted up a drug ring and seized $1 million worth of meth-infused lollipops. yeah, yeah-- >> jon: that's a lot. >> stephen: makes sense, because meth, like lolly pops, does not require teeth. true story. that joke is based on a true story. the meth was cooked and combined with corn syrup in an operation "the washington post" described as part "willy wonka," part "the wire." ( laughter ) that's right. >> jon: wow! >> stephen: that's right. it was like a disturbing look into the ravages of mind-altering drugs plus "the wire." one of the craziest details is that the lollipops were in fun shapes like flowers, butterflies, r2-d2, and yoda. oh, yeah, it was important. you've got to make them fun shapes because meth users are notoriously picky. ( laughter )
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lollipop was kind of surprising for me. so, to get his perspective on all of this, we turn now, live via satellite from dagobah, yoda. welcome to the show. yoda, everybody. >> yeah, good to be here, it is. >> stephen: master yoda, are you upset that police found meth lollipops with your likeness on them? >> yes, pissed, i am! wasted, those lollipops are. delicious they sound. >> stephen: wait, you want to try them? 600 pounds of meth lollipops would take down an elephant. >> judge me by me size, do you? hmm? hmm? >> stephen: yoda, this is important. yoda, are you hitting the crank? >> no, no. yoda clean. rubbery skin, no teeth, bulging eyes, coincidence they are. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i guess i could buy that. you are really old. >> oh, yes, 27 years old, yoda is.
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>> stephen: 27. so, you're definitely not on meth. >> no, high on the force, i am. lift a space ship with my mind, i will! mmmmmmm!!! mmmmmmm!!! >> stephen: yoda, are you okay? >> freaking out, i am! on the force, not on the highspeed chicken feed. >> stephen: yoda, everybody! >> yaaarghhhblaaaaargh! we've got a great show for you tonight. jeffrey tambor is here. but when we come back i'll have lifestyle tips from me and my good friend gwyneth paltrow. stick around. yeah, that's right. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) upon people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there. >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. folks, i do everything i can to stay healthy. i eat right, exercise, and try not to drink the elixir that turns me into evil stephen. that's why i am always excited to hear the latest health tips from celebrity lifestyle guru and porcelain doll your grandma will only let you look at, gwyneth paltrow. she recently held a one-day wellness summit, for her lifestyle company, goop. yes, goop, a brand that screams both luxury and mucous. in fact, the wellness summit was officially called "in goop health." which is better than the
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original title: "fill your body with goop." here's a little rundown of what went on: >> goop. >> goop. >> it's getting goop in here. >> grab your energy crystals and tuck away those jade eggs because gwyneth's goop health summit is here. >> it's like a goop goopy dream. >> stephen: yes, "it's like a goop goopy dream, which i want to stress to my teenage viewers is perfectly natural at your age." happens to everybody. happens to everybody. ( applause ) well, the event featured crystal therapy, aura photography, sound baths, where you could "sink into the sounds of crystal singing bowls." you can get the same effect by flushing your money down a crystal toilet bowl. there's also that goop-approved i.v. drip, which apparently is for "getting you hydrated." although, if i'm going to stick a needle in my arm, i'd like to feel a little more than hydrated. ( laughter ) and to improve your female part
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of your health, attendees could also purchase goop's signature jade egg, which can be strategically placed to increase vaginal muscle tone. it's an excellent exercise, but you're going to want a spotter. come on, 10 more reps! now, naturally-- so dumb! no, stop! ( cheers ) it's not worth it! it's absolutely-- now, naturally, tickets to wellness summit did not come cheap. there were three levels, from the $500 lapis ticket, which included access to the panels; all the way up to the $1,500 clear quartz experience, which got you luggage "packed with $500 of products we love," and and "lunch with g.p." i hope that g.p. stands for "general practitioner" because
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there really should be a doctor present when you're sticking rocks up your hoo-ha. now, that all sounds like a lot of lucrative fun, so if you couldn't attend the goop summit, you might be interested to know that i also have a celebrity lifestyle brand: covetton house. jim? ♪ ♪ >> baroque simplicity. shabby elegance. give me money. ( laughter ) covetton house. >> stephen: mmmm! hi, everybody. welcome to covetton house. i'll be with you-- i'll be with you all in just a moment. mmmm! needs more dandelion mulch. you know, wellness isn't just about having healthy blood pressure or six-pack armpits.
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they're coming, yeah. it's about nourishing the whole self. so this weekend, come down to the la quinta off i-94 for our first-ever wholeself wellness summit, covetton house's "all's health that ends wealth." everyone's welcome. simply choose the ticket tier that's right for you. for $300, you can join us at the tinfoil level. with this ticket, you get to attend, but you're the caterer. or, if you're up for a splurge, join us at the cursed ruby level. you get a hot stone massage, a turkey club, and the date and time of your death. ( laughter ) all for the low, low price of your bank account number. our health summit is all about giving yourself a little extra t.l.c, so step up to our i.v. station for an invigorating celebrity blood transfusion. ( laughter ) mmm.
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who this? ah! zac efron. and while other wellness symposiums might offer vaginal steaming or jade exercise eggs, we pamper the male yoni, with organic gravel scrotal abrasion-- why can't the guys feel special. why can't the guys feel special? followed by a soothing massage from gary, our unlicensed shaman, who will open up your nether-region's pores by exhaling menthol smoke over them. all attendees will leave with this bespoke basket of covetton wellness products, like vitamin air, chakra-cleansing oxygen, and crystal mist. the basket is extra. so, join us, because nothing is
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more important than your wellness, except my wealth-ness. we'll be right back with jeffrey tambor! ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) ♪ [crunch] ♪ hahahaha! hono-o, hono-o, hono-o!! ("flame, flame, flame!") ♪ [crunch] ♪ [growl] [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch]
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as hank kingsley from "the larry sanders show," george bluth sr. from "arrested development," and now maura pfefferman in "transparent." >> you know, i have to tell you something. you disappoint me. you're better than this. you're better than-- and you know what else? you're cheap. and you're a terrible tipper. yeah! to waiters and to valets and to the poor pizza guy. >> it took 45 minutes for that pizz
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>> so what? >> and i always-- i always tip 15%. >> 15% is what you give for bad service. 15% is when they spit in your food! 15% is when they stab you! ( applause ) >> stephen: please welcome jeffrey tambor! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there you go. >> hey now! >> hey now. >> stephen: people are very excited to see jeffrey tambor. >> i'm very excited to be here. it's really cold. >> stephen: it's comedy weather. you keep it cold.
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>> there was an actor -- >> stephen: i know who he is. >> he had in his contract it had to be 65 degrees. >> stephen: wow. i totally-- >> the interview will get better than this. >> stephen: it's not going to get better for me, because i meet so few people who understand how important it is to have a cold theater when you're doing especially comedy. >> right now i'm having an ice cream headache. ( laughter ) cold, right? >> stephen: julie andrews sat in that very seat a couple of months ago, and, of course, she was fantastic. she was julie andrews. and after the whole thing was over she leaned over to me and said, " i'm so glad you keep it cold in here. blake taught me it was so important." >> could do you that english accent once more because it's arguably one of the worst english accents i've ever. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> stephen: well, she does have a bad one. >> she's faking it? >> she's from-- i think she's
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>> stephen: she's from sciosit. you have been-- >> everything. >> stephen: some of the best television shows ever made. >> everything. >> stephen: some of the greatest television shows every day. i found out what the first television show? >> what was that. >> stephen: you know that, "kojak." it was a date player. >> i was a date player. that's a person -- >> stephen: "kojaconclude" anybody? "who love yous baby" with the lollipop. >> it was grant's tomb on the upper west side. it was the coldest day. i called my father in san francisco, and i said, "dad--" because he was so worried about me. >> stephen: how old were you at this point? >> i was four. >> stephen: you lost your hair early. >> i did. it just went. i was 35. my dad was very worried about me. i was doing a show on broadway, but i said, "dad, i'm on "kojak." and he said, "what
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and he said, "oh, yeah, well, we get 2." >> stephen: meaning the channel? >> the channel. ( laughter ). >> stephen: he only got 2? >> we got 2, 4, and 7. and then he said, "peppy--" andy said here it is, he's finally going to say i'm so proud of you. he said, "don't do too much on 4." ( laughter ) "we don't get that too well." >> stephen: good advice, good advice. >> great advice. >> stephen: you didn't end up doing much on 4. >> i didn't do anything on 4 for the rest of my life. we're on 2 here, right. >> stephen: this is 2 right now. ( cheers and applause ). >> back on 2. >> stephen: home again. >> home again. >> stephen: we actually have a clip of you-- >> no. >> stephen: you didn't know we have a clip? >> oh, god. >> stephen: can you tell me anything about-- can you tell me anything-- i love it. can you tell me-- i have to tell you, in this clip, you have the greatest english accent i ever heard. >> well, i studied
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her name. >> stephen: julie andrews. what's her name. >> upper west side, coldest day -- >> stephen: a cold day. >> and there was a camera malfunction, and everybody went inside but i didn't have a stand-in, so i had to wait outside and when they fixed it and said, "action," my mouth, all muscles had frozen around-- basically, i was a talking anus. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. >> it was like -- >> stephen: are you ready, are you ready? ( laughter ) are you ready? >> and my eyes yoo sewell see the terror. wait a minute. >> stephen: jim, please. >> i want you to check under the nails and i want a swab. inventory the personal belong, and i want to be sure nobody was after anything superb. >> come, on joe, just because a girl is lying on the ground doesn't mean rape was the only thing. >> captain! >> stephen: that's it.
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you looked miserable. >> i was miserable. i had an ice cream headache. and you'll notice i didn't look up. i was so ashamed of what i was doing. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what do you mean? >> i'm like this. i'm like, "oh, i'm so bad in this." it's tough being an actor. >> stephen: it really is. >> were you an actor. >> stephen: for many years, basically until i had this gig. the old gig i was acting like i was a pundit for 10 years. >> and what does "pundit" mean. >> stephen: somebody who would rather win with his opinions than your fact. >> we got it. >> stephen: okay, good. ( applause ) you have a book now.
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my favorite guest. ( cheers ) let's do the book! sit down! sit down! sit down! i get enough of that.
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she's in her late 30s, she's 41. and then i go 12, 10, and two 7s, and they have no idea what daddy does for a living. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> they think i eat lunch. because they come -- >> stephen: big part of the work. >> well, they come to the set, and i eat lunch. so they say, "what does your dad do?" "he eats sandwiches." >> stephen: in "transparent"-- >> let's hold this up. >> stephen: hold it up again. you're going to love this book. you're going to love this book. >> you're going to love it. >> stephen: in "transparent," you play maura pfefferman, and it's a brilliant performance. >> thank you. >> stephen: we spoke about this before back on the old show. >> thank you. >> stephen: we see her with her friends and her family, and how did you get a sense of what life was like for her out in the world, beyond the life that we see on the show? >> well, that's a great question. you know -- >> stephen: thank you. >> you're welcome. jill soloway gave me the responsibility of-- i mean with this role, but the responsibility and the gift of a
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lifetime. i was very nervous, you know, being this gender male given this wonderful opportunity. so i decided to go on a field trip with my wonderful-- my teacher zachary druker, and said, "i want to go shopping as maura. i want to find out what it's like." sowe dressed her up very, very nervous-- stillam. we just finished our fourth season, by the way. ( cheers and applause ) and i went out. we went to a shopping center, and i-- i was shaking. but i remember saying, "don't ever forget this." and i had maura all, you know-- you know, maura is very young into her transition, even though she's 70 years old and she doesn't know quite how it make up or quite how to walk or the thing. and we were walking down the grocery aisles and i said, "well, how would maura shop?" and zachary left me alone. and then there was this man and he just looked at me-- and i'll never forget the look because it was the look of absolute hatred and it was a smirk of absolute
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you know, "don't ever forget this because that's what maura is every day of her life." it's so important. it's so-- so when i-- ( applause ) you know, here was a woman 70 years old who went for her freedom and said, " i'm going for it. i'm going to go for my authentic self." and i think she's a hero. >> stephen: does playing her-- does playing her make you a better jeffrey? >> i think it makes me a better-- to be really honest, i think it makes me all jeffrey. in other words, people say, "well, how is your feminine part, your masculine part?" i go, "i just have never been a freer jeffrey, a happier jeffrey. i think it makes me a better papa, a better husband, and certainly a better guest on a tv show. >> stephen: excellent guest last question-- >> and it certainly makes me very
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this came at 70 years old, the role of my lift. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: congratulations. >> i mean, i know i don't look 70-- well, i know i-- i know i don't look 70. >> stephen: you don't actually look 70. >> how old do i look? >> stephen: 69-ish. ( laughter ) when you said, "'kojak' at 35 i said no way in my head. that doesn't work out. >> i'm very lucky. and i get to go from here and in one month get to start a fifth season of "arrested development." >> >> stephen: that's what i wanted to ask about and now you've answered my question. jeffrey, thank you so much for being here. folks, "are you anybody?"? he is. that's jeffrey tambor. it's available now. we'll be right back with john benjamin hickey. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. folks, you've seen my next guest on "the good wife" and "the good fight" and "six degrees of separation" on broadway. please welcome john benjamin hickey. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) come on up. >> stephen: now i just-- i just saw you and allison janney and and the young man who just won the tony-- >> corey hawkins. he was nominated. he didn't win. >> stephen: had him on the show, and an absolutely brilliant performance by all of you in the play. it closed sunday. >> it's so nice to be here after the show ended
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didn't see it just has to take our word for it how great it was. >> stephen: it was amazing. >> remarkable play. a masterpiece and great fun. >> stephen: it must be an honor to be able to do that play on broadway, to say those words and tell that story. >> yes. it's a brilliantly written play and it's so relevant because of the walls we build between each other based on class and race and expwrung old. really, really relevant now. so it was great fun to do. >> stephen: what's it like to-- i've never done a broadway play-- what's it like to do a and run know it's coming to an end? is all the last nights, are you choking up? like-- >> yes, are you. >> stephen: to stay in character? >> you're trying not to be too sentimental about it all. i mean, you're also slightly thrilled because it's the greatest honor in the world to be in a broadway show as an actor. it's like the epicenter of the acting universe. but it's also like being in your very own existential groundhog day because you're doing the same thing over and
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like you-- it's like if you came here and had the same guest on every single night and said the same things to each other. so you have to try your best to make it very, very fresh and alive. and the last few shows, you're trying not to cry. and i'm a little bit of a control freak, so you also want everything to be perfect in the last few shows. and in the last moment of the play that i have with allison janney, a beautiful moment-- and we were feeling it. i mean we were full of emotion. a cell phone went off in the audience. >> stephen: oh! >> that was so loud-- and it was an old-school ring, and the play takes place in 1989. so people who were in the audience thought, "i thought that was part of the play." no, it wasn't part of the play. >> stephen: no jury could convict me. >> no jury-- absolutely. there should be a fine. there should be a fine. >> stephen: allison janney played your wife, she plays ouisa to your flan. i heard you say that she-- basically you two got stage married 20 years before. what does this mean? >> this
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ninth job with allison janney, the magnificent allison janney. and 25 years ago, i think, we were in an off-broadway play together. we both got cast in the movie "the first wives club." i hope people remember that. it was a wonderful movie. ( applause ) yeah.
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>> stephen: it adds up, though. >> it's $3 i didn't have the day before. >> stephen: it as up after a while. you have a radio show now? >> yes, i do. i have good taste in old friends. another one of my old buddies is andy cohen. >> stephen: a good friend to have. he's a friend of us over here, too ( applause ). >> yes, the wonderful andy cohen. a couple of years ago, we were on the beach, and he said, "guess what? i have a channel one oned is siw called radio andy, and he said would you ever think about doing a radio show? and i think we might have been a little stoned. and i said, "sure, of course, i want to do a radio show. of and we came up with this idea called "my favorite song." and it's brilliant. i send you a questionnaire-- and i'm gog send you this questionnaire -- >> stephen: to me? >> yes, they say barter system. >> stephen: sure. >> and i ask you what's whafs your favorite song in high school? what's your favorite rock 'n' roll song? what's your favorite disco song? what is your favorite song from high school. >> stephen: my favorite song from high
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i knew all the words to "stairway to heaven." >> perfect, perfect. so we would play that song, all 12 minutes of it. >> stephen: yeah, exactly, and then you would say, "thank you for being here." >> that would be it. we just did the show-- you better hope there aren't tapes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: to quote a great man. >> yes, yes, exactly. >> stephen: to quote a great man ( applause ). >> we play a song "talk about it, and the great thing about the show, which was a surprise to me, i'm not an interviewer, brilliant like you are, learn about a person's life without having to talk about their life. we all have a soundtrack. we all have music. >> stephen: next time i'm going to do that for you. i'll do it for you if you do it for me the next time you're here. >> i would love that. everybody heard that. you're going to do my show. >> stephen: it's done. thank you so much for being here.
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>> my next guests are one of my favorite bands playing my new favorite song, "close to me." please welcome lake street dive. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ well, you seem awfully nice so this won't take long ♪ i've just got to let you know that you should be moving on ♪ if you want my advice i think it would be wrong ♪ for you to get close to me ♪ well, i can be sweet i can be perfectly kind ♪ i can be anything
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since it ain't my heart ♪ on the line it would be so easy ♪ it would be so blind for you to get close to me ♪ maybe i'll call you when i'm fully grown ♪ until that day comes, now baby, won't you leave me alone oh, leave me alone ♪ i can see you're still waiting for some kind of sign
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♪ i know you're ready for love but i'm never gonna ♪ make up my mind it's not a matter of patience ♪ it's not a matter of time for you to get close to me ♪ maybe i'll call you when i'm fully grown ♪ until that day comes, now baby, won't you leave me alone oh, won't you leave me alone ♪ ♪
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♪ maybe i'll call you when i'm fully grown ♪ until that day comes won't you leave me alone ♪ maybe i'll call you when i'm fully grown ♪ until that day comes i recommend that you don't i recommend that you don't ♪ get too close to me ♪ close to me
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( cheers and applause ) >> can't ask for more than that. that was beautiful. thank you, so much. lake street dierveg everybody! we'll be right back.
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text "blades" to gillette on demand noo text to reorder blades... ...and get $3 off your first order with gillette on demand. >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody! we'll see you tomorrow. now stick around for james corden and his guests, seth rogen, will arnett, and alison brie.
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from idaho, give it up for

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