tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS June 29, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) thank you very much! how lovely of you all to be here. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. now i'm going to say -- ( cheers and applause ) i'm going to say something i didn't think was possible anymore: i'm shocked by something donald trump said. ( laughter ) i thought, by now, my soul had calcified into a crouton. ( laughter )
today, the president of the united states tweeted, "i heard poorly rated @morning joe speaks. badly of me. don't watch anymore. ( laughter ) then, "how come low i.q.-crazy mika, along with psycho joe, came, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, to mar-a-lago three nights in a row around new year's eve, and insisted on joining me. she was bleeding badly from a face-lift. i said no!" ( audience reacts ) where to begin? ( laughter ) it's a buffet of (bleep). ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) first of all -- a steam table, as it were. ( laughter ) first of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, yo
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: i mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of christmas. ( laughter ) only there wasn't a wise man in sight. this is shocking and vicious, so... on-brand! ( laughter ) and the reviews are in: "vulgar," "crude," and "a new low." no, it's the same low. ( laughter ) we're at a cruising altitude of marianas trench. ( laughter ) there are giant squid looking down at us right now. of course, mika responded with her own tweet: a picture of a cheerios box saying "made for little hands." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
really, mika? making fun of size of his hands? i'm more worried about the size of his brain. ( laughter ) of course, this is shocking to everyone who isn't employed by donald trump. republican senator ben sasse tweeted, "please just stop. this isn't normal." and lindsay graham tweeted, "mr. president, your tweet was beneath the office and represents what is wrong with american politics." hold it right there, lindsay. this is not what's wrong with american politics. you don't see paul ryan throwing shade at chuck schumer for his eye job. ( laughter ) it's what's wrong with american president. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) okay? ( applause ) let's stop pretending trump is a
( cheers and applause ) and the only cure is three and a half years of liquor and bed rest. ( laughter ) of course, the first lady defended her husband via her spokesperson: "as the first lady has stated publicly in the past, when her husband gets attacked, he will punch back ten times harder." yes, as the first lady says, "when they go low, we go ten times lower." ( laughter ) ( applause ) so the focus on cyber-bullying is going well. ( laughter ) we just didn't know it was going to be as a super-fan. and you know who had the courage to agree with melania's spokesperson? the president's spokesperson: >> when the president gets hit, he's going to hit back harder, which is what he did here today. he fights fire with fire. >> stephen: he fights everything with fire.
( laughter ) and first he soaks the country with gasoline. ( laughter ) and huckabee sanders explained the president had a very good reason to go after those mean meanies on the tv screen. >> the things that this show has called him, and not just him, but numerous members of his staff, including myself and many others, are very deeply personal. so to then turn and pretend like, you know, this approach, i guess, it's kind of like we're living in the twilight zone. >> stephen: ooh, i love the "twilight zone!" which one is he again? is this the one where the little boy with no morals has the power to kill? because it's definitely not the one where the guy just wants to be alone reading books. ( laughter ) oh, oh -- ( cheers and applause ) so scary. ( piano riff )
i have a personal question, is everyone here tonight in the country? >> audience: yes. >> stephen: good, because trump's travel ban took effect tonight. ( audience reacts ) i understand. because the supreme court okayed partial implementation of the ban and will revisit the full ban when it hears oral arguments in october. which will be followed by oral arguments with your family at thanksgiving. ( laughter ) the decision allows in travelers from the six affected countries if they have "a bona fide relationship with a person or entity in the united states." yes, it has to be a "bona fide" relationship with a foreigner, so that will exclude your imaginary canadian girlfriend and the totally hot guy you "made out with" in france. but a diplomatic cable obtained by the "new york times" spelled out some bona fide relationships, including "a parent, including parent-in-law, spouse, child, adult son or daughter, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, sibling,
whether whole or half. this includes step relationships." no surprise son-in-laws are allowed in. trump is sending his to every country on earth. but the cable also defined what aren't bona fide relationships, ruling out "aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, brothers-in-laws and sisters-in-law, fianceés and any other 'extended' family members," even "grandparents." ( audience reacts ) of course, grandparents are extremely suspicious. with their headscarves, and their neck scarves, and really just scarves all over-- they're always cold.xd and they're constantly launching cyber attacks, by sending emailr with subjects like "forward, forward, forward: 20 hilarious ways your cat is better than a husband." ( laughter ) what else is going on in theçó
the catholic church -- this is hard for me because i'm catholic. i love my church and i go to church and, unfortunately, the catholic church is faced with a crisis. and i don't have to tell you what it is. is: fidget spinners! ( laughter ) which the catholic church is "freaking out about." that's surprising. you'd think they'd support anything that keeps people awake during mass. ( cheers and applause ) the debate is lovely but it can feel long sometimes. the debate is raging online, because some people think the toy could represent the holy trinity, and various priests have been using the device to explain its meaning. which is good since, up until now, the only way to explain the holy trinity was the turducken. ( laughter ) instead of a chicken on the inside, it's a dove. okay. let me spell this
for not-yet converted pre-catholics out there, the holy trinity is a central doctrine of catholicism that god is three persons in one being. there's the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and... firm correctly... -- if i remember correctly -- i think they're stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat so they can see a rated-r movie. if you're confused, first of all: welcome to catholicism. it's a mystery. ( laughter ) secondly, how do fidget spinners relate to all this? allow this viral meme to fidge-splain. the prongs of the spinner are the father, son, and holy spirit. and once they're spinning on the sacred ball bearing, they come together to form one god. ( laughter ) it's not bad. it's not a bad -- i mean, that speaks to me. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: i get it. i kind of like it. ( applause ) i kind of like it. it's pretty
but not everyone is happy about cool priests using fidget spinners, notably catholic websites like u-catholic.com. which, by the way, has got to be the worst late night text. ( laughter ) want to get together and -- nothing? >> jon: ha ha, gonna wait it out! ( laughter ) >> stephen: u-catholic says the idea that the fidget spinner explains the holy trinity is "heretical. each person of the trinity is fully god, not a 1/3 component that, when combined with others, becomes 'god.' that falls into partialism, modalism, or sabellianism." that's right, parents, is your teen doing sabellianism? ( laughter ) look for the warning signs, like knowing what sabellianism is. i have no idea. but this is ridiculous. it's tradition to explain the holy trinity with whatever's lying around. in the 4th century in ireland,
none other than saint patrick used a shamrock to explain it. but you've got to drink a lot of guinness if you want to see it spin. ( laughter ) unfortunately, we may never know if comparing fidget spinners to the holy trinity is right or wrong unless a higher authority weighs in. >> hey-o! jehovah in the je-hizzy! whoo! >> stephen: hey! it's god, everybody! say hello to the lord! >> hey, everybody! >> stephen: hi, god! what are you doing here? >> technically, i'm everywhere. except ikea on saturday. that place is insane. >> stephen: hey, have you heard about this fidget spinner crisis? >> absolutely. i love fidget spinners. check it out. whoo! >> stephen: wait, you have a fidget spinner? >> oh, yeah. helps me with my anxiety. i used to get so worked up that i missed every seventh day of work.
>> stephen: well, lord, what's your take on fidget spinners, god? should they be used to represent the holy trinity? >> definitely! it's the only way i can keep it straight. three persons in one god? what is this, "twin peaks?" are you watching this new season? it's really weird! freaks me out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so there's nothing sacrilegious about this? >> no, you can use all sorts of toys to represent religious concepts. like a slinky on the stairs. it starts at the top and then keeps moving down, just like the fall of man. ooh, heavy! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're blowing my mind, lord. you're blowing my mind. that's what i do. >> stephen: all right. the lord has spoken. maybe i'll go buy a fidget spinner. >> then i'll see you in heaven soon! they're a total choking hazard! >> stephen: the lord, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. naomi watts is here. but when we come back, i'll share some confessions i didn't tell the lord just now. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band right there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: i could listen to you guys do that song over and over again. >> jon: yeah, you know we've got it. >> stephen: at least twice. >> jon: oh, yeah, i'm ready. i'm with it! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: folks, as i have made clear many times, i am a catholic, and my favorite catholic tradition is confession, but i don't have a chance to go as often as i should, which is ever. so, if you don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great.
this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions!" ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. ( laughter ) okay, i'll be right back. ( organ music playing softly ) forgive me, audience. i go to the gym on rainy days, so it looks like i'm sweating a lot. ( laughter ) always yens -- alway audience, all my ties are really clip-on, and so are my pants. ( laughter ) ah! whoo! ( cheers and applaus
ah, that really cools things off. ( laughter ) i've never blamed a fart on my dog. ( laughter ) tax evasion, once. ( laughter ) i never drink alone, because i have a mirror back here. ( laughter ) come here often? ( laughter ) i know you do. when i was younger, i got a tattoo. now i can't find it. ( laughter ) i lied and told my kids that our family dog moved to a farm upstate, but he really moved to a loft in brooklyn.
( laughter ) i tell little kids i can make balloon animals, but i lack lung strength. ( laughter ) who wants wormy? ( laughter ) i don't want to brag, but i'm harry potter in the streets, and hagrid in the sheets. ( cheers and applause ) i've learned from experience how many napkins they let you take from wendy's before the manager says something to you. ( laughter ) when i was 12, my three best friends and i found a body in the woods. right where we left it. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience? >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with naomi watts.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) snrmpleght >> stephen: that's nice. lovely. welcome back, everybody. my first guest is a two-time oscar nominee you know from "mulholland drive," "21 grams," and "the impossible." she now stars in the netflix show, "gypsy." >> so have you always been into robbing the cradle? >> no, you make me sound like a (bleep) criminal the way you say that. >> well, you must have had girl crushes. >> it didn't really work that way for me. i mean, yeah, i was always into men. sphwhrvmen
>> you would know. i just think if you focus so much on what you should feel, you don't really know what it is you do feel. >> stephen: please welcome naomi watts! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> hi! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: it's an absolutely beautiful summertime dress. >> thank you. it goes with your decor. >> stephen: it's like you planted a garden on one of the chairs. very nice. obviously, you're a movie star, but i found out it was not an overnight success for you. you struggled in the vineyards
of the lord for years before you got your break. >> that's right i. >> stephen: did you come here from australia? >> england, australia, then america. >> stephen: what's your first impression of hollywood? >> people talked it up. >> stephen: yeah, that's what hollywood does. >> i guess. ( laughter ) when you're young and in your early 20s and you want to believe a story, you hang on to those words. they promised me the world. i had all these meetings and they said, come on, yeah! things will go great for you! >> stephen: sounds like a hollywood guy. ( laughter ) so you moved there on this prom snies. >> so i packed my bags on this promise and came back and met all those same people and they were, like, oh, yeah, i remember you. good luck to you, and sent me on my way. ten years later, i was s
>> stephen: you eventually had your revenge, right? >> yeah, revenge is sweet. yeah, david lynch came along and took a chance. >> stephen: from mulholland drive, right. what's he leak to work with? i'm also watching the new "twin peaks" which you're also in, of course, and is he as freaky to be with as to watch? >> he's not freaky. >> stephen: he's just an average guy when you're with him? >> he's not average. he's unique. he's very special, and he's got a certain voice, and he speaks about certain things, and he lives in a certain way that's really very different. >> stephen: that informed me in no way. ( laughter ) that sounds like he's asked you not to say anything about him. so if i'm an actor, how would he give notes? what's he like to work with? >> first of all, he has a
megaphone he folks through even if he's this close to you. >> stephen: that's not normal. that's not, but it's cute! >> stephen: okay. it's cute if it's david lynch. if it's a guy on a street, you medicate him. ( laughter ) so here i am, this close, you've got the megaphone. >> "now, listen, naomi, you want to rip 'tis balls off and scream to the bottom of his toes, and just --" i don't know, i can't think of the lines of dialogue that come out of his mouth but they're all obtuse and -- ( laughter ) yeah, you know, like from another world, another era. >> stephen: that's a pretty good flat, american accent. that's very food. you grew up in england and australia, you said? >> correct. >> stephen: do you find american accent easy? >> no. >> stephen: why not? it's really hard. >> stephen: what's the hardest part about it? >> the rs. >> stephen: the rs? yeah, i sound like i've had a stroke. >>
my kids always tease me. they go, mom, say art. art. it's not art, art. no, you can't say it, you have a terrible accent, mommy. >> stephen: can you say, i would like some butter? >> i would like some butter. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i would totally give you butter. >> the hard one is please may have a drink of water, and can i look in your mirror. >> stephen: i'm sorry, what was the last one? >> mirror. >> stephen: mirror. ome people say mirror. or i like to do horror films, rrrrr -- >> stephen: i saw this horror in my mirror over the water -- ( laughter ) wow. how are you at -- i know you
"eastern promises" with vego. how are you at russian accents. >> i don't have a russian accent. >> stephen: tippet to hear your russian accent. >> no, we're done with accents. >> stephen: we are done if you wish to be done (russian accent). >> that was very good! you did that very well. >> stephen: you come to moscow with me. >> okay. >> stephen: i'm not going back. ( laughter ) have you been to russia? >> i have. >> stephen: lovely people. yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's true. there are lovely people. it's a little spook j. it's like a fantastic haunted house. you were in prague, i understand, doing "ophelia." hamlet's ophelia? op the other way around,
to tell the female version of that. so that's what i was -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and all of this, i assume, takes place before spoiler alert she drowns herself, right? ( laughter ) >> yeah. well, i'm not going to give anything away. >> stephen: okay, please don't. you have kids. do you get to travel with them? >> i do. they come, you know, wherever i go. >> stephen: that's nice because you can keep things sort of like a normal routine and schedule and tradition. >> somewhat. it kind of falls apart with jetlag and things. >> stephen: sure, yeah. in fact, recently, they came over and, on the plane, my son lost a tooth, and -- >> stephen: oh, yeah. -- and they're getting to that age where they don't really believe in the tooth fairies anymore -- >> stephen: but they're real. they don't believe in it, doesn't mean it's not re.
they stop coming. >> cuts off the old green. yeah. ( laughter ) and i think it's nice to keep the imagination going. >> stephen: i totally agree. that's why we became actors. ( laughter ) >> the first night they came, it was all -- everyone was all at sixes and sevens, no one was sleeping, and i forgot. i was a bad mom. >> stephen: the tooth fairy forgot to come? >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. and, so, the next morning it was, like, mommy, mommy, the tooth fairy didn't come, is that because i stopped believing? i felt terrible. i thought, i have to think on my feet, what shall i say? i said, maybe it's because you were here and they'll come tomorrow. they have to figure out where you are. >> stephen: time zone. yeah. ( laughter ) the next day, write a little note. i
have a lot of consonants so i wrote a note -- z, p, l, m -- random teams of consonants and left him 300 crown which is about the equivalent of, you know, $12. it was extra because i forgot. >> stephen: that's a lot of money, man. >> i could be wrong about that. >> stephen: so the tooth fairy was trying to buy his love. >> and died thried him about -- i hope he doesn't watch this. ( laughter ) >> stephen: just send him to bed. >> he woke up, and he said, $300, i've never had so much money! >> stephen: is he the elder of the two? >> no, the youngest. >> stephen: sister? two boys. >> stephen: did the older boy abuse him, did he go, that's not true? >> no, he l
( audience reacts ) and good for you. >> for being a lying sack of -- >> stephen: yes, a lying sack of mother. we all have to be. do you know if the tooth fairy ever forgets to put under the pillow, i often find if you go to check under the mattress it goes too far and you can mind the money under there. happened a few times in my kids' lives. yeah. ( laughter ) >> what if that's where you stash all your money? >> stephen: then you really should get a bank. ( laughter ) lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) "gypsy" is available on netflix starting tomorrow! naomi watts, everybody! we'll be right back with ari graynor! thank you so much! ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show! my next guest has done film, tv, and broadway. in the new series "i'm dying up here," she gets to try stand-up comedy. >> so how many of you guys have ever flown drunk? oh, i think i see a hand coming up from under the table. is that you, ned gibbs? >> wouldn't mind getting you under my table! ( audience reacts ) >> this man, ladies and gentlemen, is why i take the bus. >> want to join the mile high club. >> not with you. but i would consider joining the mile away club. seriously if your (bleep) is as big as your mouth, but i'm betting it's as big as your brain, so enjoy your solo flight. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: please
graynor! >> hello. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen:. >> stephen: i was talking with the producer and you're still a young person but you have been acting for a long time, since you were a young kid. >> thank you for calling me young. >> stephen: woody allen, christopher guest -- how old were you when you started? >> community theater when i was seven but so lucky to keep working as a kid and did community theater and theater around boston, and then people, as you mentioned, real will you incredible people. >> stephen: do you remember your first job? >> well, my first on-camera job was this industrial for the lutheran church called everybody coun.
tell, but i'm jewish. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i didn't. you had no idea. i hide it so well. it's wild because it was sort of about old friendship and new friendship and i played the old friend and i only read my lines. so when the tape came out, i watched it with this boy i had a crush on that was also in it, and it was while i was watching it with him that i discovered that they were making fun of my character about being fat. my character's name was maxine dempster. there was this line where they were like, you know, the thing about maxine, she's a big, fat tub of lard and her name ought to be maximum dumpster. and i heard it the first time with my crush nearby but they did have good craft services so it was a good first try. >> stephen: at
you think this is what i want to do and not just a pipe dream? >> i started when i was a kid and basically never stopped. it wasn't anything nancy. it was children's theaters and small theaters in boston. >> stephen: your parents were so cool with this? >> so supportive. my mom is in the dressing room now, so excited about all the free food. hi, joni! she's losing her mind and crying backstage, as is my dad greg, he's at home, but very supportive. >> stephen: are you from fancy boston or southie? what are you? >> i'm from welly. >> stephen: i don't know what that is. >> the thing i think is hilarious about massachusetts is it's the only state where everyone tries to class themselves down. everyone is always trying to prove they grew up with no money. you're, like, are you from fancy boston or not boston? >> stephen: yeah. everyone is like, yeah, i'm from
poor part of wellsley. so i grew up there, but it was considered a fancy part. >> stephen: you went to prom with a kennedy? >> i did. >> stephen: was that fun? it was likely fun, especially because, the way it happened, i managed boys sports teams to get out of my gym requirement. >> stephen: you were equipment manager? >> no, for hockey, i was equipment manager, but for la crosse, i scored every game. i went to all the games. >> stephen: okay. and i got a prom date out of it. >> stephen: okay. and my prom date -- >> stephen: was it one of the good kennedys? >> joe kennedy iii who is a congressman for massachusetts right now. ( applause ) >> stephen: you guys keep up? you know, i was wondering if i was going to mention his name
run it by him, like, what if i somehow ruin or taint his political career? >> stephen: wait a second! what have you done that just by saying a man's name you taint his career? ( laughter ) joe business isn't that bad. >> i don't know. i played a lot of sex workers, so i didn't know if somehow that was going to -- >> stephen: and again, mom is cool? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's very nice. this is a broadway return for you, i understand, being on a broadway stage because we're here on broadway in new york. you did a broadway with woody allen? >> he wrote a one-act play and it was would because his piece was called money moon motel, and it was sort of a going back to his humor, an we were basically up there telling one-line jokes, and we would have notes in the house after every show during previews for a month. >> stephen: at
get a note from mr. woody allen? >> there was like comedy class. he would sit there and sometimes just say, you know, you did not tell the joke well. what happened? did you lose all comedic sensibility? ( laughter ) it could be like that. >> stephen: really? he sounds like an as (bleep). ( laughter ) >> i liked it. sometimes because then if he told you, you know, you told it swiftly and with great comedic timing you felt really good about yourself. it was maybe the most i ever learned about comedy in terms of joke telling because, you know, he would say things like, you did not tell that joke correctly. you said brunette, but you didn't get the laugh because you should have said brunette -- hit the t, i guess. that's the lesson. >> stephen: i guess
absolutely lovely to meet you. have a very happy fourth of july. >> thank you. >> stephen: do you have any plans? >> i don't know what i'm going to do exactly. i don't know. i got a new puppy, so i'll probably hang out with her. her name is tootsie. >> stephen: well, have a lovely time with tootsie. >> thank you. >> stephen: "i'm dying up here" airs sundays on showtime. ari graynor, everybody! back with pear forms by swet shop boys! stick around! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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♪ taitiika tai baitickka bai ♪ we're militant you're on a milli vanilli vibe ♪ stopping refugees is just silly, blud ♪ well you know about aeneas in the iliad ♪ fled turkey and he just founded rome ♪ what if he had drowned in a boat ♪ yanks eat turkey 'cause your peeps had found a home ♪ where you think all the sounds on your phone from? ♪ what you mean her majesty's london? ♪ where you think all her majesty come from? ♪ trump want my exit but if he press a red button ♪ to watch netflix, bruv i'm on ♪ i run the city like my name sadiq ♪ not the syrian city of dabiq ♪ some wallah want to preach bakbak that's weak ♪ i shut 'em up like sheep on bukra eid ♪ oh, no we're in trouble ♪ t.s.a. always wanna burst my bubble ♪ always get a random check when i rock the stubble ♪ terminal 5 terminal 1 ♪ think we're termites wanna terminate us ♪ terminal 5 terminal 1
wanna terminate us ♪ terminal 5 terminal 1 ♪ think we're termites ♪anna terminate us ♪ ♪ ♪ london's burning slush funds are earning ♪ trump's under russia's thumb and i'm hurting ♪ they talkin' bout interment and banning me from travelling ♪ tricky when my pic is on the in-flight magazine ♪ your girl can strip-search me after ♪ they love me on the strip vegas or gaza ♪ i do it for the mans that bannon try to put a ban on ♪ i do it mask off i'm future meets fannon ♪ london's burning and they earning while they putting us in urns ♪ taking turns rape and burn ♪ while we pray one day they learn ♪ we can't flee when they treat us ♪ like dogs with the fleas we say please ♪ but they beat us like dogs with disease ♪ how many likes will my hate crime receive? ♪ how does my accent sound when i'm crying? ♪ how does my accent sound when i'm dying?
captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from ashken-glasten, pascaloosa, give it up for your host, the one, the only james