tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 31, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> stephen: hello, or as they say in russia, hallo. i'm here in magnificent red square. behind me, you see lenin's tomb, where the founder of this great nation lies in state. when you go inside, you're asked not to speak, and more importantly as i learned, no selfies. ( laughter ) got a good one, though. behind the wall is the kremlin. think of it as russia's white house-- or america's white house. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! "russia week"! tonight, stephen welcomes: jason bateman. and musical guest muse.
that's right, the juice is loose! ( audience reacts ) >> jon: wow... wow... >> stephen: i think they're chanting "juice!" o.j. got away. orenthal is soaring, y'all. finally, he has the opportunity to find the real killer. step one: buy a mirror. okay? >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: it'll help. say what you want about o.j., he never met with sergei kislyak. ( laughter ) unlike his buddy, here. that was back-- ( audience reacts ) come on, now! don't be too harsh. that was back in 1993, when it was still a coin toss which one of those guys would be president and which would end up in jail. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) maybe both! might get a two-fer! we might get a two-fer! >> jon: don't go glove shopping. >> stephen: speaking of which, it's also the sixth month anniversary of trump's inauguration.
i'm not sure what you give for six months. i know after six months i'm taking xanax. ( laughter ) i can't believe it's just six months. it seems to have longer than six months, doesn't it? it's crazy. one of our staffers had a baby born on the inauguration day, and here's that same baby today. ( laughter ) it's all the stress. it's the cortisol. >> jon: yeah, yeah. it gets to you. moisturize. >> stephen: he'll be fine. ( laughter ) well, to celebrate lasting six months, yesterday, donald trump gave an interview to the "failing new york times." ( laughter ) first, donald trump talked about senate republicans, who are on the fence about supporting his healthcare bill. "i think we have six people who are really sort of okay. they are all good people. we don't have bad people. i know the bad people.
people." ( cheers and applause ) oh-- oh, sir... >> jon: hey, hey... >> stephen: i believe you. ( laughter ) trump bragged about all he's accomplished so far. "i've given the farmers back their farms. i've given the builders back their land, to build houses and to build other things." ( laughter ) the word you're looking for is buildings. ( laughter ) you know, those big things with your name on the outside? but it wasn't just domestic bragging. oh, no. donald trump loves himself overseas, too. "i have had the best reviews on foreign land. so i go to poland and make a speech. enemies of mine in the media, enemies of mine are saying it was the greatest speech ever made on foreign soil by a president." are you sure?
are you sure they didn't say it was a foreign speech by a president greatly soiling himself? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) because i saw that speech. ( cheers and applause ) i saw the speech. trump was especially proud of his bastille day visit with french president emmanuel macron. "we had dinner at the eiffel tower, and at the bottom of the eiffel tower, looked like they could have never had a bigger celebration ever in the history of the eiffel tower. i mean, there were thousands and thousands of people, 'cause they heard we were having dinner." ( laughter ) "also, and people don't know this, also, just for my visit, they built this arc de triumph, to... i think to celebrate how i won in wisconsin. so huge." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) now-- ( cheers and applause ) yes. >> jon: yeah, yeah.
applauded his win in wisconsin. ( laughter ) now, one takeaway from trump's adventure was his famous, endless mano-a-mano handshake with the french president. forget about a cold war with russia-- i think we're having a thumb war with france. ( laughter ) during the interview with the "times," trump talked about macron, saying, "he's a great guy. smart. strong. loves holding my hand... ( laughter ) people don't realize he loves holding my hand. and that's good, as far as that goes. i mean, really. he's a very good person. and a tough guy, but, look, he has to be. i think he is going to be a terrific president of france. but he does love holding my hand." ( laughter ) "and i tell you, that's totally weird, because i know where that hand has been." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! oh! oh, hey, hey... >> stephen: and trump finally explained why, at the g20
went over to vladimir putin. "so, i was seated next to the wife of prime minister shinzo abe of japan... and she's a terrific woman, but doesn't speak english. like, not 'hello'." okay, i can see why he would want to get up and go someplace else, but i'm not sure that's true, because mrs. abe has given at least one speech in english. sir, i think she was faking it. ( cheers and applause ) i think she just-- ( piano riff ) "hello, mrs. abe." "oh, konichiwa, no habla ingles, senor trump." ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i'm very excited about this-- we now have video of donald trump after his conversation with putin, back at his original seat but still gesturing at putin. "you're great. looking at ya.
there you go, here's my hand. don't know where it's been. you, too. what are you doing? how about this, you, me, collude." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i think-- this thing, where he moves it back and forth? this thing? i just want to point out i made that exact same gesture earlier this week on the show and i got blurred! ( laughter ) was i being too presidential? i don't know. and trump also made an interesting claim. "when nixon came along-- ( inaudible ) --was pretty brutal, and out of courtesy, the f.b.i. started reporting to the department of justice. but there was nothing official, there was nothing from congress. there was nothing-- anything. but the f.b.i. person really reports directly to the president of the united states, which is interesting. you know, which is interesting.
and i think we're going to have a great new f.b.i. director." oh! oh, i see. so the top law enforcement officer, top cop in the country, will report directly to you with nobody else in the room. no one will know! so it's like the police, but, um, secret. the justice department would not see these police. they would be not-see police, i think you would call them. ( cheers and applause ) then-- or no-see or not-see, non-see, none-see? not-see is good. then, donald trump talked about the firing of f.b.i. director james comey. "why would somebody say, 'he has every right to fire me,' bah bah bah? why wouldn't you just say, 'hey, i've retired'?" yes, why didn't comey just say he's retired? i just want to remind you that he was in l.a. at an f.b.i.
event and found out he was fired, live from a tv in the room. "uh, sir, they're saying you got fired on tv." "what? no, i wasn't. i retired!" ( laughter ) well, my work is done here. ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) why didn't he just say i retired? why didn't he just say i retired? that was trump's famous catch phrase for "the apprentice," wasn't it? "you're retired." when asked about the special prosecutor, robert mueller, trump said he shouldn't have been appointed, and trump warned that mueller should stay out of investigating his finances. oh, that's not a red flag at all. ( laughter ) "sure, the pol
search anywhere in my house, as long as they don't dig up the patio. there's nothing to see down there. or the shed out back. and forget the crawlspace-- it's way too crowded already." ( laughter ) well, turns out the president's warning evidently didn't work out so well because, today, it came out that mueller has expanded his probe into trump's personal business transactions. ( cheers and applause ) sir, mr. trump, could you please warn mueller not to subpoena your taxes? ( laughter ) but trump saves his real fire for his own attorney general jeff sessions, and this one we actually have the audio on. >> sessions gets the job. right after he gets the job, he recuses himself. >> reporter: was that a mistake? >> well, sessions should have never recused himself. and if he would-- was going to recuse himself, he should have told me before he took the job, and i would have picked somebody else.
>> stephen: this is 90 proof crazy. ( laughter ) it would have been impossible for jeff sessions to recuse himself because the thing he recused himself from hadn't happened yet. ( applause ) ( cheering ) the only way it could possibly work-- the only way it could possibly work is if jeff sessions goes back in time, takes his own mother to the prom, and then teaches chuck berry's cousin about rock and roll! ( laughter ) okay? 88 miles an hour. and trump was just as unhappy with jeff sessions's deputy attorney general, rod rosenstein. "yeah, what jeff sessions did was, he recused himself right after, right after he became attorney general. then i said, "who's your deputy?" so his deputy he hardly knew, and that's rosenstein, rod rosenstein, who is from baltimore. there are very few republicans in baltimore, if any. so, he's from baltimore."
all right? you get the message? are you getting the message? donald trump doesn't trust baltimore. i mean, just look at his review of "the wire." "one star. very few republicans." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) and again, keep in mind, we're only half a year in and trump is not going anywhere. he's going to run for re- election. and we're ready to project-- ( audience booing ) no, you have to get used to this. he's running for re-election and we at "the late show" are ready to project what that baby will look like in another six months. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. jason bateman is here. but when we return, i take you inside trump's presidential suite in moscow. ( cheers and applause ) stick around! ( band playing )
how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. we want hd. and every box and dvr. all included. because we don't like surprises. yeah. like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. and talented. really. and british.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back. give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right there! give it up! ( cheers and applause ) woo! oh, my gosh! jon, my friend, it has been an amazing week. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: we're having an amazing week, the "russia week" here. and this might be my favorite night of the entire "russia week," because this night is why i went. >> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: the piece we're showing tonight is the reason we went. i was saying to chris, my producer, and he said, you want to be going to russia? i said nobody's going to be talking about that in the summer, and i'm mm
a big part of the interview they did with trump focused on what's called "the dossier." you see, back in january, ten days before trump was inaugurated, a document was leaked containing allegations that trump has deep financial ties to russia, that his campaign was being supported by the russian government, and that the russians had compromising videos of donald trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed in the moscow ritz carlton presidential suite. it was a bombshell, and when former f.b.i. director james comey informed the president about it, trump was not happy. he told the "new york times," "when he brought it to me, i said this is really made-up junk. i just thought about, man, this is such a phony deal."
and remember, as the founder of trump university, he is an expert on phony deals. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) trump claimed-- ( piano riff ) donald trump claimed he can prove it's bogus because "i have witnesses. you know, i went there with phil ruffin." now, i thought phil ruffin was the arch nemesis of mcgruff the crime dog. "i'll get you, ruffin!" ( laughter ) but it turns out, he's a casino owner friend of trump's. well, let's take a look at this upstanding character witness they call phil ruffin-- oh, yeah, they did it. yeah. yeah, they did it. now, the wildest accusations in that dossier have never been confirmed. but as far as i know, nobody has tried to confirm them. and here's the reason why. the real news, while reporting on the dossier-- your cnns, your msnbcs, your foxs, they said it's too salacious for us to
but it's the only part we care about! it's the part we talk about, the pee pee tape! pee pee tape! pee pee tape! pee pee tape! well, guess what? there was one man brave enough to go to moscow and check it out. and he has two thumbs. ( cheers and applause ) jim? >> stephen: moscow. the heart of mother russia. and the source of the greatest political turmoil to afflict the highest echelons of the united states government in our lifetimes. i ventured into the russian bear's den myself to ask the question that others were afraid to-- do you have the pee pee tape? do you have the pee pee tape? i'll also take the pee-pee tape. ♪ i would like the pee pee tape, pee pee tape ♪ pee pee tape? for some reason, asking random people for the pee pee tape
so i met with russian surveillance expert andrei soldatov. a journalist critical of the kremlin's surveillance tactics, andrei has been interrogated by the f.s.b. four times! i met andrei at an undisclosed moscow hotel. hello, andrei. >> hello, stephen. >> stephen: i know you don't have the answer to these questions, but do you think the russians have compromot on donald trump? >> i don't know. >> stephen: like maybe... the russian government has a-- and he's my president, so i want to be dignified about this-- a pee pee tape? of donald trump. have you heard about the pee pee tape? >> yes. >> stephen: what have you heard in russia? what's been reported here? >> so there were reports that there was something embarrassing about donald trump, but with no details. >> stephen: no details? >> well, some details. ( laughter ) >> stephen: like what?
>> stephen: yes. a type of shower. a type of shower. is-- did the shower have a particular color? >> yeah, i think so. >> stephen: could you name the color? what color was the shower? >> something about gold, or yellow. >> stephen: yep, gold. and-- who might have provided that? was it from a faucet? or was it-- who might have provided the shower? >> some girls, maybe? >> stephen: some girls? just, like, some friends? like, some pr-- just stopped by for fun? >> well, i do not have these kind of details. >> stephen: you don't have these de-- details. okay. well, in the united states, it was reported that when donald trump was staying at the ritz- carlton, he stayed in the presidential suite, which i believe is room 1101, and that he hired two prostitutes to pee in the bed, because this room had also been occupied by barack and michelle obama, and it was a form of insult to them to have these women come do that on the bed.
did you guys hear those details over here? >> yes. >> stephen: well, the idea is that there were surveillance cameras in this room because the building is wired, and that the f.s.b. has this, because they automatically have cameras in the room and they caught this happening. >> well, that makes sense. >> stephen: does make sense? okay.o verify that story in any way. what would you have to do to-- to get access to that room? >> maybe to check into the hotel? >> stephen: that seems extraordinarily complicated. but we did it! it's true, room 1101. the presidential suite of the ritz carlton. i rented it. here's the key. let's go! ( cheers and applause ) the glamorous ritz carlton presidential suite. champagne dreams and pee pee wishes. ten glorious rooms, filled with
grand pianos and closets so big you could hide a corpse. it has all the modern amenities. but there is only one room you want to see in this suite. >> stephen: hello. join me, won't you? in the bedroom of the presidential suite of the ritz carlton hotel in moscow. the room we have heard so much about, and yet no one has come to check it out. i don't know why. when you are in this room, i just don't know how to describe it-- um, it's soaked in history. ( laughter ) it just washes over you. ( laughter ) i mean, it's not even like it's in the past-- urine history. ( laughter ) urine it, you know what i am saying? i am saying that the pee pee tape supposedly took place on that bed, is what i am saying. the dossier alleges that president trump was somewhere in this room.
we don't know where he sat. it could have been on this bench down here, though i doubt it because that is in what you'd call the splash zone. ( laughter ) you are going to want to wear a poncho. could have been on the couch, over there. but what would that look like? join us, when my investigative journalism continues. ♪ pee pee tape. pee pee tape. ♪ ( laughter ) you know when you have imagined something for so long, that when you finally see it, it doesn't match what you pictured? that's not this feeling at all! ( laughter ) no, this is-- this is right on the money. holy cow. that's the kremlin! they don't need to install cameras in here, they could just give putin binoculars. with my initial survey complete, andrei rejoined the investigation. because the presidential suite is known to be under
surveillance, andrei and i swept the room for cameras and listening devices. they could be anywhere, even the pottery. so, is there any way of knowing if there's listening devices in here? >> well, for that you need special equipment. >> stephen: or you could break it open? >> that's also an option. >> stephen: yeah. >> obviously. >> stephen: yeah, there's nothing in there. ( phone ringing ) >> stephen: hello? ( inaudible ) >> stephen: there is an emergency button in my room? ( inaudible ) >> stephen: no, everything is great. thank you. thank you for checking. yeah, they're on to us. ( laughter )
yeah. that was andrei's cue to leave. but i wasn't done. so, who knows what really happened in this room? science does, and tonight, science is on your side. hit the lights. ( cheering ) let's investigate. i want to thank action news team channel 53 for lending me their black light. okay, i'm going in. all right, this pillow looks clean. okay, that checks out, no evidence there. oh, i got something. "fake news, never happened, sad." ( laughter ) sadder still, i'd come 5,000 miles to find the pee pee tape, and was leaving with no proof that donald trump was ever here. but worst of all, this room was
extremely expensive so this is where i'm staying tonight. guys, you can go. would you mind killing the lights on your way out? ( snoring ) >> stephen: do you mind? >> sorry, stephen, my bad. night, night. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ritz carlton, and i'm sorry about this. join me tomorrow for the exciting collusion of russia week. because unlike the russia scandals, this week will eventually be over. we'll be right back with jason bateman. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) folks, you know my first guest tonight from comedies like "arrested development," "horrible bosses," and "juno." he now stars in the netflix drama, "ozark." >> where is my money? >> as we told you, we can't cover that amount within 24 hours. >> okay. there's two federal agents here, which means you wouldn't take the chance that there was a kidnapping and not have my money. so if you don't produce it immediately, i'm going to walk into that lobby and i'm going to tell these people that i can't get my money out and we'll see how long it takes to go viral and you get an old fashioned run on this bank. and if i want to put all $7,945,400 in a hot tub, get buck naked and play scrooge mcduck, that is 100% my business. now where's my money? >> stephen: please welcome jason bateman!
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> please. they stand for every first guest, don't they? >> stephen: no, they do not. >> that's not true. >> stephen: no, they do not. every other. every other. yeah, on thursdays they do. on fridays, they never do. ( laughter ) good to see you again. >> hi, nice to see you. >> stephen: here's the deal, i need to know right now-- >> i'm here to answer questions. >> stephen: am i talking to funny jason bateman? or am i talking to drama jason bateman? okay? because i understand there's a turn going on right now. >> listen, i don't know what the garbage is. >> stephen: what the garbage is? i hear it's a great series where you're a dramatic actor.
some people not so great. i take what i get, you know. ( laughter ) i just read a review, the guy says i play the character with the blandness of an airport desk clerk. so, i read another review-- >> stephen: those guys terrify me. >> another review, best work he's ever done. what are you going to do? so you go out there, you do what you can do, everybody, right? ( cheers and applause ) we're out there, we're all dancing as fast as we can, stephen, to provide for the family. >> stephen: and most people don't have a public review being written of their work. >> i actually like reading reviews. >> stephen: do you, really? >> we're making these things for people to have an opinion. we can't bat a thousand. i like our average, though. >> stephen: have you had bad reviews? >> no, most have been great. one came in right before i came out here and i was, like, "oh, no!" and my publicist is like, you probably shouldn't read that before you go out there. i said, "no, i'm going to read it!"
educational. you learn. >> stephen: well, i just wrote what i felt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> you're that son of a bitch-- >> stephen: look at this, talk about young gun right there. look at you right there. >> we were happy. >> stephen: this is 20 years ago? how many years ago, 20? >> at least. it's when i could afford the good piece. look at the size of that piece on my head. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the hogan family. that's as short as they could cut it. your hair fought back. >> yeah, it sure did. no, that was-- this is when i was making smiles. now we've got the drama out there and-- no, the drama was really, really fun to do. it was this "ozark," which is fantastic. i hope you like it. it's just this moody, dangerous thing that i really enjoyed
i directed a couple of films over the last few years, and we were looking to direct something that would continue to be more challenging and all that stuff. >> stephen: that's one of the reasons i got this photo out. at age 18, you directed some of the episodes of "the hogan family." what is it like to be 18 years old and be telling people twice or three times your age, you know, "i need more in this take?" do they take you seriously? >> no. no, no. ( laughter ) there's a lot of qualifiers. there's a lot of apologizing before you start speaking, you know. "i'm so sorry to bother you with this probably terrible note, but here's an idea. not this, don't do this, but something in this world of-- or if you don't want to do that, don't do it. um, i gotta go." ( laughter ) you know, it's, like, but it was fun. i mean, that was simple and comfortable because we had all been together for so long d
they finally let me do that, and they were very nice to me. i got the bug. the hook got set early. >> stephen: hold on. we've got to take a little bit of a break. but we'll be right back with more jason bateman. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ciyes we! wide-ruled notebooks, scissors, glue! we've got ice cream... ...sprinkles, too! everything you need to ready, set, go! back to school. this is how many people were born here. this many are fifth generation. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. he keeps the town dry. they'd prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. if you can't get here,
y2fwby y16fy ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with jason bateman. jason, i got a bone to pick with you. this is what you said-- you said, in an interview or something like that-- i don't follow your career. >> who's got my back? who's ready to come up here and defend me? >> stephen: you said you were considering becoming a talk show host in new york 20 years from now! is this a retirement plan to you? ( laughter ) you think this is so easy? >> no, man! >> stephen: that 20 years from
i know, i'll be a talk show host. that looks like a dream! >> my kids love their schools. when they're done with their schools out in l.a., i can come out to new york. >> stephen: do you think you can waltz in, in 20 years, and someone will make room for you? >> this is hard, stephen. you're in here early at noon or something, right? ( laughter ) and you're, you know, you're banging out two shows in two hours, you're doing two monologues in the same tie! he doesn't change his tie! ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's right. want to try it! go ahead! try it! come on, mr. smart guy! come on, introduce me. introduce me. introduce me. give me a good song. give me a good song. >> oh, my god. guys... ( cheers and applause ) woo!
( audience chanting jason ) i gotta tell you, this is-- okay, we're back! hope you enjoyed the commercials. ( laughter ) this is-- this is really a thrill. i owe you big for this. ladies and gentlemen, our next guest, um, is an incredible performer, um, a recent man-- ( laughter ) --i don't know, i'm vamping. i've got no cards. you get cards! it's so simple! um, and we're happy to have him, please give a warm welcome to-- tell me it one more time-- scott-- scott-- stephen! stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
>> this is embarrassing. we're out of time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: great to be here, man. i'm s huge fan. what you're doing is important. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it really is. >> thank you, man. >> stephen: you're so great. i don't know how you do it. i don't know how you do it night after night. that looks like the hardest job in america. ( laughter ) >> it's not easy. it's not easy. >> stephen: incredible. i love you and i'm so obsessed with you, you're so great. >> and not mutual admiration, but we saw that clip of your new dramatic show. >> stephen: thank you. >> boy, baby, let me tell you, you are not bland. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, no. >> what's it like to work with laura linney? >> stephen: amazing. very hot. very hot. amazing laura linney, an incredible actress. ( applause ) beautiful. i was against the nude scenes. she insisted. (ug
yeah, she insisted. >> she's very proud. >> stephen: yeah, of me. ( laughter ) because i was nude. she was fully clothed. >> oh, your nude scene? >> stephen: no. she said, let me at that thing. ( laughter ) that's what she said. yeah she said your ass looks so high and firm i could bounce off a quarter and get back two dimes and a nickel. she said that. ( laughter ) >> you were a skater? >> stephen: what? >> you were a skater? >> stephen: for a little while. i worked in an ice capades. when i started my career in the ice capades it was called frozen peaches, i was a georgia-based ice capades group and we reenacted civil war battles on ice. i played the bugler who dies at the end. triple sow cow, double axle, the whole thing. >> any fun stories from the set? you don't ask boring questions like that. >> stephen: that was a terrible
>> that's why they watch. >> stephen: you know, what, jason? i miss dave. ( audience reacts ) >> yeah. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) >> no, no! ( cheering ) >> stephen: "ozark" premieres tomorrow on netflix. jason bateman, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by muse. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ s ion? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. good night! captioning funded by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from chippaqua, calisnarf, it's the one, the ly