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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 7, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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at trump's plaza hotel on 58t 58th street has switched places with the trump march to war with north korea protest at trump's plaza in new rochelle. everybody got that. okay, let's go protest -- oh, hold on. hold on. trump's tweeting again. cannibalism has its merits -- wow. okay. revise plan. everybody over to the trump ice rink for the eating humans is wrong rally! let's go! >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes: senator bernie sanders, caitrioina balf, and musical guest the national, featuring jon batiste and stay human. and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: very nice. very kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. now -- ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) quickly here, hurricane irma -- you guys heard of this? hurricane irma, it continues to grind its way through the caribbean. it's the largest atlantic storm in history, with sustained of up to 185 miles per hour. so, if you're in its path, don't be. if you haven't already left, please follow the guidance of your local officials regarding evacuations. but if you are staying put, might i suggest following the storm-prep example of eccentric billionaire and guy most likely to make a jurassic park in real life, sir richard branson.
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( laughter ) the goat-headed demon god actually owns a private island in the caribbean, and rode out the storm yesterday in his wine cellar. ( laughter ) smart move. i hear the red cross shelters only have merlot. how drab! branson hunkered down with his team of attractive young people and posted some cool pics, like this one of them having a sleepover in the great house. and this one of them playing some sort of dice game. because being in the path of a category 5 hurricane wasn't enough of a gamble... "okay, let's see who we eat first." ( piano riff ) joshua, go marinate yourself. good news, they're fine. many people are not. if you want to help, tune in on tuesday for the "hand in hand" harvey and irma hurricane telethon airing on all the major networks.
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i'll be working the phones. and if it helps raise money, i'll also be working the pole. ( laughter ) all right? whatever it takes. i was young, i needed the money. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) i'm going to say something a little weird right now, so bear with me: the democrats won something... ( cheers and applause ) because, during a white house meeting about the upcoming agenda in congress, "trump sided with the democrats on the debt limit and funding for hurricane harvey." huge victory for the dems! and you know what that means: it's squanderin' time! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but for the moment, they're riding high because they got trump to agree to their plan on the debt limit. you guys remember the debt limit, right?
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we talk about it every so often, okay. it's the amount of debt america is legally allowed to carry, and, if we don't raise it every once in a while, we default on everything and america gets repossessed by china. ( laughter ) then i think we all move down to richard branson's wine cellar. ( laughter ) to ride it out. republicans wanted to raise the debt ceiling to cover the next 18 months so the democrats couldn't use it as a negotiating tool before the midterm elections. democrats wanted to cover only three months, and they convinced trump, possibly right at this moment when chuck schumer appears to be saying, "who's a good president? you are! you are!" ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) go get it! go get it! ( laughter ) of course, this infuriated republican leaders.
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one g.o.p. operative put it this way: "he ( bleep ) us." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) yeah... and he didn't even take them furniture shopping first. so why did trump side with the democrats? people at the meeting say he was anxious to get a deal done fast. in fact, a senior republican source described trump as being in "apprentice" mode. yeah, he was in "apprentice" mode, which is why he kept calling schumer, "senator meatloaf." ( laughter ) and trump's also hinting he might work with the dems on restoring daca after he rescinds it. >> chuck and nancy would like to see something happen, and so do i. and i said, if we can get something to happen, we are going to sign it and make it-- and we're gonna make a lot of happy people. >> stephen: yeah, that's the best way to make people happy--
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first, scare the crap out them. then tell them there's a way out. it's like one of those "saw" movies in reverse. "okay, i've locked you dreamers in a room, you've all got green cards but they're in your skull behind your eyeball. here's a broken bottle. go for it! happy people!">3 ( laughter ) so ha -- ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) eventually, my impression of trump will just be grunting ( grunting ) ( laughter ) just as intelligible. then, out of nowhere, today, trump tweeted: "for all of those, daca, that are concerned about your status during the six-month period, you have nothing to worry about.
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"yes, i tied you to train tracks, but don't worry, the train is running six months late." ( laughter ) so it's an odd, unexpected tweet, and then we found out why he did it. >> i said to him, when he called this morning, i said, thanks for calling. this is what we need-- people really need a reassurance from you, mr. president. and boom, boom, boom, the tweet appeared. >> stephen: boom boom boom? boom boom boom? i'm sorry, ma'am, i believe it's pronounced like this -- >> bing! bing! bing! >> stephen: bing, bing, boom boom boom -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) ah, ah, ah, eh... ( laughter )
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deals happening, and it could be because the president has found a new dealmakin' spot. members of congress are saying that air force one is trump's new boardroom. so you know when you're stuck on an airplane next to someone who won't shut up? turns out, it could be worse. apparently, the president has invited a lot of lawmakers onto the plane for private arm-twisting sessions. and it's effective, as congressman mario diaz-balart says, "they can't go anywhere. they can't run away from you." same reason trump loves dressing rooms. ( audience reacts ) "i'm sorrow, i'm sorry i, was i not allowed? i didn't see the signs. oops. ah, eh..." ( piano riff ) "eh." ( laughter ) this is a new low. ( laughter ) of course, this was my first week back from a two week break,
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's a long break. >> stephen: and so many things happened. i really missed the chance to talk about some big stuff -- especially the exit of white house strategist and pro-active "before" model, steve bannon. technically, i guess bannon wasn't fired because on the day he left the administration issued a statement "white house chief of staff john kelly and steve bannon have mutually agreed today would be steve's last day." yes, it was mutual. same way my college girlfriend and i mutually agreed that she'd be happier having sex with gary. ( laughter ) well, seems like a good guy. you'd like him. ( laughter ) well, this sunday, bannon's making his first post-white house tv appearance right here on cbs, and, surprisingly, it's not as a corpse on "n.c.i.s." ( laughter ) "how long has this guy been floating in the harbor?
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( laughter ) bannon -- somebody's little boy. bannon is sitting down with our friend charlie rose on the "60 minutes," and he teased it this morning on "cbs this morning." >> first television interview he's done. >> yep, most people have not heard him speak before. but he's certainly not one to mince words, charlie. i'm surprised he came out. >> stephen: oh my god, he came out? this interview's going to be amazing. ( applause ) i'm surprised. i'm surprised he's not more fit. ( laughter ) now -- we got a sneak peek of charlie's interview and, in it, bannon defends trump ending daca, even thought bannon's a catholic and the church opposed the decision. >> the catholic church have been terrible about this. the bishops have been terrible about this. by the way, you know why-- you know why? because, unable to really-- to come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens.
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they need illegal aliens to fill the churches. it's obvious, on the face of it. >> stephen: yeah, it's obvious on the face of it that the church is just cynically welcoming in strangers who desperately need help so the bishops can get into heaven. the fix is in. they're just buttering up the big guy. jesus laid out the whole marketing strategy: "blessed are the meek, for they will really fill up the pews. i'll take anybody. peacemakers, lepers, mexicans. ka-ching." ( applause ) bannon went on to clarify why he disagrees with his church on this. >> i totally respect the pope and the catholic bishops and cardinals on doctrine. this is not about doctrine. this is about the sovereignty of the nation. and in that regard, they're just another guy with an opinion. >> stephen: yeah, steve, and now that you're not at the white house, so are you. ( cheers and applause ) very much like the pope. very much like the pope. ( applause )
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his image in the media. >> the media image, i think, is pretty accurate. i'm a street fighter. that's what i am. >> you're more than that. >> i think i'm a street fighter. >> stephen: yeah, you look like a street fighter. ever thought about fighting back? ( laughter ) only so much punishment a man's face can take. ( piano riff ) in fact, bannon's such a street fighter, he's actually in the video game. >> you will destroy! >> stephen: great game. ( applause ) and even though he's no longer in the white house, bannon vows to defend trump, no matter what. >> donald trump's a fighter-- great counter puncher. great counter puncher. he's a fighter. i'm gonna be his wingman outside for the entire time. >> stephen: that's not how a wingman works. ( laughter ) you're not standing outside the bar shouting "you're doing a great job, brad!
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hey, ladies, my friend is great at sex!" get on that thing! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but bannon is a staunch trump supporter. he even defended trump after he failed to call out violent white supremacists in charlotteseville. >> by the way, after the charlottesville situation, that's what i told general kelly. i was the only guy that came out and tried to defend him. i was the only guy that said, he's talking about talking about something, taking it up to a higher level. >> stephen: he's definitely taking it to a higher level. i'd say his support is about... here. ( applause ) ( piano riff ) or over here. somewhere up there. we've got a great show for you tonight. bernie sanders is here right over there! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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amazing finds. always great prices. make home yours. ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) john, i'm very excited. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: because moments from now, jon -- >> jon: i know! >> stephen: -- moments from now in that chair, we'll have the one, the only senator bernie sanders sitting right there! ( cheers and applause ) pretty excited. i'm also excited because we were talking about steve bannon a little bit earlier -- y'all can have a seat -- and we were talking about steve bannon a little
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teased a little bit of him this morning on the "cbs this morning." tomorrow morning, more of charlie rose's interview, a preview of the "60 minutes" interview this sunday will be on "cbs this morning" tomorrow morning. check out this show a week from tuesday the night after i host the emmys. a week from monday i host the emmys. ( cheers and applause ) no, a week from sunday i host the emmys. a week from tuesday, hillary clinton will be sitting in that seat right there talking about her new book, what happened. we'll find out what happened. hopefully, we'll find out what happened. ( laughter ) but, now, for tonight's contender, my first guest is a former democratic presidential candidate, current independent senator, and constant topic of
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-- perhapsberry seed in the tooth, please welcome senator bernie sanders! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: look at that reaction to that crowd. do you miss it? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you miss the crowd? >> do i miss it? >> stephen: do you miss the crowds at all? because you became a sex symbol in your 70s! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> no, the truth is i get enormous energy and what sustains me is getting out among real people, capitol hill and feel
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do good things in this country, so, yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. you've got a new book, it's called "stephen colbert's midnight confessions " . ( laughter ) no, i apologize. off new book, should get that. it's called "bernie sanders guide to political revolution." all right? ( cheers and applause ) this is a political powder keg between two covers. light a match, step back revolution, right? >> yep. >> stephen: okay. somebody else has a book now, hillary clinton does, and that book is called what happened, and she remembers you from the campaign in the book. i don't know if you're aware of this. but like a reaction to this, hillary clinton says that your attacks during the campaign caused lasting damage, making it harder to unify progressives. what is your response to that
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america by damaging hillary clinton? >> actually, the cases that the progressive movement today and grassroots activism is stronger than it has been in many, many years. ( cheers and applause ) as a result of our campaign, millions of young people began to vote for the first time, became engaged in the political process. we're seeing young people all over this country, working class people, running for office from school board to congress. so i think there is a level of understanding now, among people and what this book is about that we have got to stand together against trump's efforts to divide us up, take on the billionaire class and make that political revolution so that we have a government that works for all of us, not just the 1%. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: those are the kind
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about, bernie. ( laughter ) >> but i understand. look, secretary clinton ran against the most unpopular candidate in the history of this country and she lost and was upset about that and i understand that. but our job is not to go backwards. it is to go forward. it is to create the kind of nation we know we can become. we have enormous problems facing us. i think it's silly talking about 2016. we have too many problems. we've got this daca issue, the outrageous effort on trump's part to throw 800,000 people off their legal status, we have to deal with climate change, raise the minimum wage, we have to have healthcare for all our people as a right. >> stephen: i agree. those are the issues we've got to be focusing on. ( applause ) >> stephen: i agree. i think all of us agree it's important we look forward. let's talk about 2016 one more time because hillary clinton also talks about something called pony promises,
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were promising people ponies and she would sai say where are the ponies coming from? are we going to regulate the ponies, and you would say hillary clinton hates ponies, doesn't think america deserves ponies. what do you make of her accusations that you promise too much and forced her in a position that unless she took the most left wing view she would lose the base you helped create. >> what are the promises i made? i said in america we should join every other industrialized country and guarantee healthcare to all people as a right, and there is now growing sentiment for that effort. so that's not a pipe dream. a majority of the american people now believe that the government should make sure that every man, woman and child has healthcare as a right, okay? ( applause ) i said that
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wage today is a starvation wage. we've got to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. ( applause ) and right now, stephen, i have 31 co-sponsors in the united states senate for that piece of legislation. i said that we need to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, spend $1 trillion to do that and in doing that we can create up to 15 million decent paying jobs, now the official position of the democratic party. i have said that we have to deal with criminal justice reform so we don't have more people in jail than any other country on earth, growing consciousness on that issue. ( applause ) >> stephen: universal free college education. >> i said that we need, in a competitive global economy, to make public colleges and universities tuition free. talk to the governor of the state of new york, he thinks
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already passed that legislation. ( cheers and applause ) and other communities are doing it. so the ideas -- the real point is we broke through a box which said you can't talk about this, you can't talk about income inequality, you can't talk about healthcare for all, you can't take about taking on the billionaire class. we did it. we ended up with 13 million votes, i think we helped transform politics in america. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, i have, next week, just a little over a week from now, i'm going to have secretary clinton sitting right there talking about her book. what do you think i should ask her about the accusations? if you were going to respond, if there's a question i'd like to ask her about about these ponies, what might it be? >> i think the response is we have got to think going forward, and i would like her to join us in the fight
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medicare for all single payer system, in taking on the fossil fuel industry so we transform our energy system away from fossil fuel and move to energy sufficiency and sustainable energy. so, in other words, we need her help to go forward. let's not keep arguing about 2016. let's get together, take on trump's desire to divide us up, let's go forward with the progressive agenda. ask her if she'll do that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. we've got to take a little break right here. when we come back, i'm going to try to make senator sanders say something nice about donald trump. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) this weekend at kohl's shop hundreds of epic deals! no coupons needed!
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my shoulders carry some i deserve others i don't but in the end only one name really matters because shoulders were made for greatness, not dandruff ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. we're here with
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senator bernie sanders. as i said before the break, i'm trying to get you to say something nice about donald trump. he's been in office for nine months, something like that now. is there something nice you could say about president trump? >> uh... ( laughter ) >> stephen: would you lake me to go first? >> yeah, why don't you go first? >> stephen: he still has all his teeth -- ( laughter ) -- or someone's teeth. he has someone's teeth. anything? >> yeah, i mean -- ( laughter ) uh -- >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) >> well, let's say this, he has talk about taking on the pharmaceutical industry and lowering the very, very high cost of prescription drugs in this country, and he is right to make the point that the drug companies are ripping us off in a terrible, terrible way. so president trump, that's what you said during the campaign, let's go forward together and do that. >> stephen: he also agrees with you on infrastructure. >> that's right. the president said when
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candidate, he said we need a trillion-dollar investment in our infrastructure, and that is exactly right, and i hope we can go forward. the proposals that he seems to have brought forth really talk about privatization of our roads and our bridges and our water system which to me is total nonsense, but i hope that we can work together because our infrastructure, in fact, is collapsing, and we can create many, many millions of jobs by rebuilding it. >> stephen: now, next wednesday, i understand, you're introducing a medicare for all bill. >> yep. >> stephen: what is that? what it is is finally coming to terms with a very, very fundamental issue and that is, as a nation, we have got to finally decide whether healthcare is a human right or it is not, whether every man, woman and child in this country is entitled to healthcare because they are human beings, or whether or not we're going to continue to have a system run by the insurance companies and the drug companies where the major
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those entities. and i think the time is now for the united states to join every other major country on earth -- i'm talking about canada, u.k., france, germany -- every major country that guarantees healthcare to all people, and what a medicare for all system is about is saying we've got a good program now for seniors, it's called medicare, let's make that program available to every man, woman and child in this country. ( applause ) >> stephen: i don't want to talk about 2016 anymore. let's talk about 2020. ( laughter ) in july, you were in iowa. you were in new hampshire last weekend. are you running again and are you prepared to be blamed next time for trump's reelection? ( laughter ) >> stephen, i will tell you what i tell everybody, that, right now, what the american people want the senate and the
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do is start addressing the real issues that they are facing, and the real issues are healthcare, making educational opportunity valuable to all, raising the minimum wage, that is what they want us to focus on. they do not like never-ending campaigns. media likes that. i don't think people do. so we've got a long time to go. we just came from election eight or nine months ago, so let us focus on the issues that the american people care about and the politics will follow that. >> stephen: you gestured at me when you said media. ( laughter ) i take that as an act of hostility, senator. ( laughter ) okay, well, sir, thank you so much for being here. the book is "bernie sanders guide to political revolution." it's out now. ( cheers and applause ) senator bernie sanders, everybody! we'll be right back with caitrioina balf! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! ( cheers and applause ) folks, my next guest is an irish actress who plays the time-traveling combat nurse claire on the television phenomenon "outlander"! please welcome caitrioina balfe! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) please! hello! hi. >> hello! >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you, too. >> stephen: now, please explain something to me. they spelled your name phonetically for me in the
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prompter here, caitrioina balf, but it is spelled caitrioina. why do so many names in ireland not look like anything like they're pronounced? >> that's a simplified version. >> stephen: that's the simplified version? >> yes. there should be a fada on the i. >> stephen: a fada on the i right there? >> uh-huh. i took it off for america to make it easy. >> stephen: how often do you get ky-troi-na? >> a lot. >> stephen: lucky girl. where in ireland did you grow up? >> outside a little village called
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>> stephen: not a big place. no, one church, one school, two pubs. >> stephen: one for the church and one for the school? >> yes. >> stephen: one for the pre-school and one for the teachers. >> one for the pre-school kids going home. >> stephen: you have been in america ten years. you had a very successful modeling career. were you in acting school in dublin? >> i was. i studied at d.i.t. roth mines, so i was doing theater studies there and got scouted there. so i left after my first year. >> stephen: you have been in the united states for ten years. do you like it here? >> i love it here. people care here. >> stephen: do people not care over there? >> they do, but institutions care here -- or they used to. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's interesting. that's interesting. you've gotten into a little bit of trouble, i understand, with the california department of motor vehicles. you received a letter -- i have a copy for you
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( laughter ) and could you tell me, hereby hangs a tail, what would you do to deserve this letter and could you give us a dramatic reading of what you got from the department of california motor vehicles. >> institutions care. they were concerned that due to the latest entries of my driving record that i was now among some of california's worst drivers. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you got an i shall letter saying you are one of the worst drivers in california? ( laughter ) how did you get here tonight? >> starz won't let me drive so they hired a car. >> stephen: all right. what are the accusations here? >> in my defense, so there may have been a late turn on a red light, or i was speeding one day. but i thought -- because you get a ticket and they ask do you want to go to driving school, and i would send off my form and
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driving school to get the point taken off my license. but i waited for the acceptance letter which never came. >> stephen: you thought it was like getting into a university? ( laughter ) congratulations, we are proud to accept you to california's driving school. >> yes, i thought that they would say, okay, yes, you can go to driving school. but i just didn't know that you had to go do that online on your own. so i just accumulated -- >> stephen: so what's going to happen to you, caitrioina balfe? >> well, nothing, because then i got a great job and got to go to scotland so i have been away four years so i think i lost those points now. >> stephen: no, you haven't. they don't expunge them from your record. >> they don't? >> stephen: no, they're going to put you in the clink. they're going to take you downtown! you're going to see how much institutions care in california. ( laughter ) "outlander,"
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up here. ( cheers and applause ) hearing from the people. many people in this building are completely obsessed with this show. can you tell me why you think people get so obsessed with the story of a time-traveling combat nurse in love with jamie in 18th century scotland? >> because there is a beautiful aspirational love story at the start of the show. >> stephen: you're cheating on your husband frank. >> he's not born yet! >> stephen: doesn't matter. if my wife came back from a time machine and said no biggie i had sex with a guy in the 18t 18th century, i would be pretty mad. >> really? >> stephen: yes, just for the record, if you're watching, don't do that, please. >> well, i don't know. >> stephen: and you're pregnant with his baby in the 18th century. >> right, frank is very understanding. >> stephen: your show is hailed as having some of the best sex on televi
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can you explain why your sex on tv might be better than others, and keep in mind this is cbs? >> well -- >> stephen: is it because your character is a nurse and she knows her way around? >> she's great with anatomy and the men wear kilts so it's easy access, i guess. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'll take it. i'm hooked. i'm hooked. lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. be careful driving. ( cheers and applause ) the new season of "outlander" appears sunday on starz! caitrioina balfe, everybody! back with a performance by the national! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'll take a sick day tomorrow. on our daughter's birthday? moms don't take sick days & moms take nyquil severe. the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep with a cold &medicine. remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed.
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>> stephen: and now, performing "day i die" from their new album, "sleep well beast," ladies and gentlemen, the national! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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♪ i don't need you i don't need you ♪ besides i barely ever see you anymore ♪ and when i do it feels like you're only ♪ halfway there young mothers love me ♪ even ghosts of girlfriends call from cleveland ♪ they will meet me anytime and anywhere ♪ the day i die the day i die ♪ where will we be? the day i die ♪ the day i die where will we be? ♪ don't do this ♪ ♪ ♪ don't do this i don't do this to you ♪ don't expect me to enjoy it
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'cause i really don't ♪ have the courage not to turn the volume up inside ♪ my ears for years i used to put my head ♪ inside the speakers in the hallway when you ♪ get too high and talk forever ♪ the day i die the day i die ♪ where will we be? the day i die ♪ the day i die where will we be? ♪ the day i die the day i die ♪ where will we be? the day i die ♪ the day i die where will we be? ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ i get a little punchy with the vodka ♪ just like my great uncle valentine jester did ♪ but he had to deal with those people ♪ like you who made no goddamn common sense ♪ i'd rather walk all the way home right now ♪ than to spend one more second in this place ♪ i'm exactly like you valentine ♪ just come outside and leave with me ♪ ♪ ♪ let's just get high enough to see our problems ♪ let's just get high enough to
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♪ the day i die the day i die ♪ where will we be? the day i die ♪ the day i die where will we be? ♪ the day i die the day i die ♪ where will we be? the day i die ♪ the day i die where will we be? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thanks so much. >> stephen: the national, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) fios is not cable. we're a 100% fiber optic network. and with the new fios gigabit connection... you get our fastest... internet ever. with download speeds up to 940 megs - 20 times faster than most people have. switch to fios gigabit connection with tv and phone for $79.99 a month online for the first year.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. see you tomorrow night with a new friday show! with jessica biel. now stick around for james corden and his guests, dana ey
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good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the upper west side manhta

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