tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 4, 2017 11:35pm-12:33am EDT
say that because i was there when he didn't say it. i also want to deny rumors that rex tillerson is the author of this joke, "knock, knock. who's there? moron. moron who? moron that later. trump say moron." >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, tillerson drops an "m" bomb. tonight, stephen welcomes kerry washington. russell brand. and musical guest st. vincent. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
♪ ♪ >> stephen: wow, wow. you knocked it out. hey, everybody! thanks very much. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, i have some shocking news. there's chaos in the trump white house. ( laughter ) i didn't know there were enough people left to qualify for chaos. ( laughter ) horse play, yes. grab-ass you bet. chaos seems ambitious at this point. it all started this morning, when nbc news reported that, over the summer, secretary of state and spokesmodel of "just for eyebrows," rex tillerson, openly disparaged trump by referring to him as a "moron" after a meeting at the pentagon. hold on there, rex! hold on there, tillerson! nobody calls our
( cheers and applause ) and other world leaders and, ultimately, history. ( laughter ) but, here's the deal: why would tillerson say such a vicious, accurate thing about his boss? ( laughter ) well, apparently tensions came to a head around the time trump delivered a politicized speech to the boy scouts, an organization tillerson once led. that's what made him mad ( laughter ) saying "they're fine people" at a nazi rally? eh. giving golf trophies to hurricane victims? sure. but the jamboree is sacred. ( laughter ) tillerson was proud to be the leader of the boy scouts. do we have a photo? there he is! there he is, sitting next to the nation's most powerful butterscotch baron. yes. of course, donald trump is dealing with huge issues right now-- puerto rico, las
vegas, sadly, north korea-- so, naturally, he kept his eye on the ball and let this tillerson story pass. i'm just kidding. ( laughter ) this morning, he tweeted, "nbc news is #fakenews and more dishonest than even cnn. they are a disgrace to good reporting. no wonder their news ratings are way down!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) yes. it gets you. it gets you. you know, what's lovely is in times of trouble, donald trump is always there for himself: "thoughts and prayers to the black hole in my heart that will never be filled, and is the shape of my daddy." the theory being his father did not love him when
and we're paying the price. then, hours later, tillerson mysteriously-- and we don't know why, totally unrelated to donald trump-- decided to hold an impromptu press conference. he began by declaring his love for his job. >> first, my commitment to the success of our president and our country is as strong as it was the day i accepted his offer to serve as secretary of state. >> stephen: well, there it is. and we all know what he said when trump made him the offer: "i didn't want this job. my wife told me i'm supposed to do this." ( laughter ) it is going to be an awkward night at the tillerson house. "honey, can you pass the potatoes, or is there another moron you'd like me to work for?" ( laughter ) then tillerson went on to refute the story. >> to address a few specifics that have been erroneously reported this morning: the vice president has never had to persuade me to remain a secretary of state, because i have never considered leaving this post.
no. "dreamt about it?" yes. "fantasized about it while i pleasured myself in an overstuffed chair?" no comment. and-- and-- it's a hard one to shake off. and as for his opinion of donald trump, tillerson made that clear. >> let me tell you what i've learned about this president, whom i did not know before taking this office. he loves his country. he puts americans and america first. he's smart. he demands results wherever he goes, and he holds those around him accountable for whether they've done the job he's asked them to do. >> stephen: "for instance, he makes them hold uncomfortable press conferences after he finds out they called him a moron." "very thorough." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: he holds it together. >> stephen: that's what it does. what it does. so that's it. re
the nation and vouched for donald trump's intelligence. which means he categorically denies the moron thing, right? >> can you address the main headline of the story, that you called the president a moron? and if not, where do you think these reports are-- >> i'm just-- i'm not going to deal with petty stuff like that. i mean, this is-- this is what i don't understand about washington. >> stephen: yeah, he totally said it. ( laughter ) "i don't know." but, but, here's the thing-- trump felt totally vindicated, tweeting: i agree with the president. nbc news does owe us an apology because, apparently, tillerson didn't call our president a moron. he called him a "(bleep) moron."
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i never thought i'd say this, but "secretaries of state, they're just like us." and this afternoon, tennessee senator-- tennessee senator bob corker explained why it was so important that tillerson did not resign. >> i think secretary tillerson, secretary mattis, and chief of staff kelly are those people that help separate our country from chaos. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what! wait, you're saying this isn't chaos yet? this is just forplay to
how will i know when the chaos starts? is it frogz? is it locusts? is it going to rain blood? and i wouldn't blame tillerson if if he did quit. on saturday tillerson reassured us: very reassuring. "we are probing, so stay tuned" is what my doctor says at minute 31 of my annual checkup. ( laughter ) just-- stay tuned. watch the tv. keep your eyes on the tv while i, uh, while i continue probing." ( laughter ) now, trump immediately undercut him, tweeting, "i told rex tillerson, our wonderful secretary of state, that he is wasting his time trying to
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, save your energy rex, we'll do what has to be done!" spoken like a true moron. ( laughter ) you realize-- sound like it a little bit. >> jon: a little bit. >> stephen: a little bit. sir, do what has to be-- do what has to be done? you realize you're tweeting threats of nuclear war to a mad man! remember what the father of the a-bomb, robert oppenheimer, said when he saw that first bomb go off: "now i am become death, frowny emoji." ( laughter ) now, this saber rattling by trump might sound nutty, but apparently nutty is exactly what trump wants, because we just learned that in our trade negotiations with south korea, trump is urging his staff to portray him as a
hat to "make pancakes tennis again." ( laughter ) it's crazy. the hat. it doesn't make sense now. in fact, a lot of people are saying that trump wants our foreign policy to be good cop/ bad cop. i think it's more like good cop/insane president. "hey, look, look, i'm secretary of state. let me help you. you want a glass of water? a sandwich? let's talk about ending your nuclear program. listen, son, you'd better deal with me, because my partner's off the rails. i don't know if you've heard, but he's a (bleep) moron." ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. kerry washington is here. stick around. when you're close to the people you love,
does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. now's your chance at completely clear skin.
le assistant in it. so it's super helpful. watch this, hey google good morning. google home: good morning, claire. it's 72 and sunny. don't forget to wear some sunscreen. oh, that's nice. it'll also read you the news, look up traffic and tell you... gh: your first meeting is at 9am. and you know how sometimes you're in bed and you can't get out of it until you hear that one song that - gh: ok, playing your "get out of bed" playlist. [song plays] yeah, it can do that too. it's google home mini and the rest of the google home family. ♪ ♪ hungry eyes ♪ one look at you and i can't disguise ♪ ♪ i've got hungry eyes ♪ applebee's 2 for $20. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.
er with 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. their pro-v formula is like a multi-vitamin. making your hair 2x stronger see the difference when you add 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. be smart and get the new iphone 8 from sprint hey jimmy, where's your iphone season spirit? you'll get the best price for unlimited and network reliability within 1% of the other guys. i'm going to sprint! get the new iphone 8 for $0 per month. plus, upgrade to the latest iphone anytime with iphone forever.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human right there! ( cheers and applause ) my goodness. folks, we have been having fun for the last week with this little thing we're doing on twitter called #puberme. we're raising money for puerto rico hurricane relief through something called oneamericanappeal set up to help people of texas and florida and puerto rico. and you can make your donations if you want by going to oneamericaappeal.org, and give generously to the hu
united states including our friends, our neighbors, our fellow americans down in puerto rico. one of the things that happened was last week with the puber me thing is nick kroll was on here with his show, talking about his show "big mouth," which is on netflix about going through puberty. and he asked me to put up a picture of myself when i was going-- when i was going through puberty. ( laughter ) i'm not sure if i'm going through puberty here, but my neck tie is. the neck tie looks like it's on viagra. i'm not sure what's going on there. i said let's get some celebrities to join in and do this too. and for every celebrity that tweets themselves with #pubeme, for puerto rico relief, we will give $1,000 from my americone ice cream fund to oneamericaappeal. and we have amazing offers. who do we have going on here? this one i love. we just got this one yesterday, i think.
this is? william shatner. ( cheers and applause ) as a 12-year-old. hear adolescent captain kirk looks like he just battled a pubescent gorn. all right, look it up. ( laughter ) let's see. i love this. guess if you can see who is this? anybody? alana glazer right there. and here she's saying, "yes, tween!" this one, this one's pretty excited exooiting. see if you can guess who this is, jon? >> jon: aaaah! >> stephen: that's our friend, jon batiste. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes! i know that kid. >> stephen: this is what jon looked like. this is what you looked like on our very first show. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: doing 200 shows a year takes its toll. >> jon: yeah, that's right, that's right. >> stephen: this one i just-- o
like, an hour ago or something like that. this was just this afternoon. okay, this is william jefferson clinton right there. looking pretty cool, leaning up against the car. can you get in closer than that? can you get even closer to that, show that? that's either bill clinton or fat baby elvis. not sure. either one. it's an honor. either one of those, it's an honor. and the last one i have here, this isn't actually a celebrity, but i want to show this one because it says here, "i'm not a celebrity, but i've been told i'm stephen colbert's long-lost sister. does that count?" let's attack a close enough shot. yes. i don't think--
don't think she looks like my sister. i think she looks like she's my me. veronica, congratulations on looking look a celebrity, and condolences on that celebrity being me. so anyway, if you want to go out there and help, please go to a1americaappeal.org. there is still time to make donations. unfortunately there will be a long time to make those donations. we're getting close to a total. tomorrow we will have the toilgt number of celebrities giving $1,000. and we're in the hundreds at this point, right? we're in the hundreds of celebrities. ( applause ) it's a lot of ice cream. that's a lot of ice cream. yeah. it's a lot of ice cream. remember to please go get my ice cream, stephen colbert's americone dream. remember, the bigger your ass, the more love you're showing. we'll be right b
starbucks nariño 70 cold brew coffee. in stores now. only at starbucks. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep.
directv has been rated #1 in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like banging their head on a low ceiling. drinking spoiled milk. camping in poison ivy. getting a papercut. and having their arm trapped in a vending machine. but for everyone else, there's directv. for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable
ectv. but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. so if you have a sink, and the ship is sinking, is it a sinking sink? scrubbing bubbles toilet gel, freshens and cleans with every flush. spend less time cleaning, and more time thinking about the important things. sc johnson
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as a washington fixer named olivia pope, on the hit show "scandal." >> how is the president? >> melee is good. >> so mel sein formation-- happy to let you hold all the information, hold all the cards. >> millie and i are a team. >> you have never played team sports, not well, anyway. >> dad, it's my turn. i'm changing the rule. this is, what i'm doing, is better. ( laughs ). >> you are like looking into the wendo of my past.
tried, all i could create was me. >> stephen: welcome kerry washington! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: suddenly feels look a party. >> it is a party! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> it's so nice to see you. thank you for having me. >> stephen: welcome back east. >> thank you, thank you, my home town. >> stephen: home town, like grew up here home town. >> yeah, boogie down bronx. oh! >> stephen: when you were a kid, were you one of those kids i see around new york off by themselves, wandering the city, going to school back and forth as themselves?
nervous to let my child do that. >> i grew up at the height of the crack epidemic in new york, and i, at five years old, asked my mother if i could walk to school by myself. and my mother is such an amazing human being she said yes. >> stephen: at five. >> but she hid behind cars while i was walking to school so i could think i was independent but she was like super mom, protecting me behind every corner. isn't that so sweet. >> stephen: is there any chance she's in the studio right now? >> i think she is. >> stephen: make sure you are okay. >> yeah, she probably is. >> stephen: so i-- i started off my career in chicago, which is, you know, it's a big city and it's tough enough to, like, act, and, like, make a living there. new york must have been so much harder when you were a young actress. i always wanted to know, like, what did you do to get by? like, what were the jobs you were doing? >> i had a couple of gigs. a worked at a restaurant, like most actors. >> stephen: that's classic. >> i taught yoga. >> stephen: that is not as classic. >> and i also was a
teacher for new york city public schools. yeah, yeah, give it up for teachers. they are our most important members of society. >> stephen: was this-- like, how much warning do you have? is it like a fireman where you have-- >> it was the perfect job for an actor because you get a call in the morning saying, "we need a teacher." if i had an audition, i wouldn't go, but if i didn't have an audition, which was most days-- i would go and work in school. in chicago i got a job in a movie called "save the last dance." it was my first big film and it did not pay a lot of money so after the film came out, i went back to substitute teaching. i made a rule i couldn't work in high school. i could only do elementary schools because kids were cutting class to see shanneal teach ference. and i would say the kids trying to see the girl from "save the last dance" which was terrible. >> stephen: which is more
hollywood? >> high school! >> stephen: okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> or maybe i'm just not as equipped. high school prepared me for hollywood, yeah. >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> nothing is as scary as the real world right now. >> stephen: oh, no, right now? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, no, it's chaos. have you heard? ( laughter ) well, now-- so then you're in college. okay, so you're in college. you went to george washington? >> i did. >> stephen: lovely school, down in d.c., another city school. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you studied storytelling. >> i storied anthropology and dramatic lit. yeah, i studied storytelling in a way. i studied people. >> stephen: okay. that's what an actress does, right? >> yes, we play people so we should study people. i did all kinds of-- i played all kinds of roles when i was there. i didn't always play a person. i did a musical about a frog when i was there. >> stephen: really? what did you play? >> a frog. >> stephen: oh, congratulations. so you got the lead. >> i did. cawas the last frog in a musical
( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> big deal. >> stephen: really? >> big deal. >> stephen: did you get to use words or did you just-- just variations on ribet for two hours. >> no, it was a musical. we not only talked but we sang. i take what i do very seriously, and i even did then. i went to the washington it's national zoo-- for hours to study frog movement. >> stephen: they have a frog exhibit? >> they did. every zoo has frogs. so, yeah, i mean -- >> stephen: how is your frog? do you still have a frog? >> i should have never gone down this road. ( laughter ) yeah. i mean, you know, there's-- being a frog is really more about body language. ( laughter ) do you want me to teach you how to be froggish. >> stephen: i have my own frog. i can do a frog. >> let me see your frog. i'll do my frog if you do your
>> aaahhh! that's good! that's good! that's good! ( cheers and applause ) all right. all right. so my frog is more about posture, right. you have to turn your feet out. it was more like this kind of thing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, i like that. >> it's not in the face. there's a frog that would shake its ankle. you have to get this. the frog would do this. >> stephen: that's really nice. that's really nice. ( cheers and applause ) you can commit more in pants, i'm getion. so now, storyteller. >> yes. >> stephen: are you the best storytellener your family? >> no, no, that would be my dad. >> stephen: oh, that's great. >> yeah, he has a really special skill for taking the mundane, and exaggerating into a story.
truth, but they're good! ( laughter ) they're good. they're good. >> stephen: do you have a favorite nontruth goodness? >> here's an example. it's not that he's lying. he's not lying. >> stephen: your dad is not going to lie. >> he's not going to lie. he's a good guy. but i had pet fish when i was a kid. >> stephen: oh. >> who cat fish, mr. and mrs. katz. k-a-t-z. and when they got too large for the tank, my father invented an elaborate ceremony for them to be taken to a lake in new york state and deposited in the lake. but the story he tells about it is an epic, life-changing, rite of package. none of that happened, bucket at the lake. >> stephen: did you go with him to the lake to see the fish put into the lake. >> no. >> stephen: okay. >> no, no. >> stephen: i have some terrible news. >> oh, no. no! don't say tha
i'm here to tell you-- >> that my father ate my cat fish! >> stephen: yes. your father-- or maybe you did. do you remember having fish sticks? >> i'm allergic to fish. i'm allergic to fish. >> stephen: then, no, your father did not feed them to you. >> dad! >> stephen: or he released them into the hudson. i'm sure the fish are fine. did you see the bucket? did you see want whole thing-- >> they were gone! >> stephen: you are adorable. still a good man. >> i don't know. >> stephen: that he didn't tell you is the best story. they're fine. the fish is fine. >> my whole world is upside down. >> stephen: no, i'm lying now. i'm sure it didn't-- i'm sure it didn't happen. >> it better have been good. >> stephen: what? >> it better have been good. >> stephen: tartar sauce, fantastic. i understand you-- you're pretty excited about this photo. >> oh! oh! >> stephen: you can tell me why. i don't necessarily understand. the beautiful, wonderful
kidman. well-deserved emmy. what's the story here. >> i am a creative consultant for newt gina, and i helped design that lip color she's wearing. >> stephen: right there? >> yes. >> stephen: what's it called. >> it's called "velvet wine." >> stephen: velvet wine. >> i worked with them to create bold new colors that will look good on anybody. i'm actually wearing it now. it looks good on her but it is still gorgeous. >> stephen: that's the same on her. >> yeah, because she and i are different color s. >> stephen: somebody dropped off this right here. may i try it? >> you think it will look good on you? >> stephen: i don't know, but i wouldn't-- may i try it? >> no. ( laughter ) i want you to be blessed, because i'm not sure i can guarantee the authenticity of this. but i have one. ( cheers and applause ) it's nice
it's been in my bosom. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> you took too much off. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> oh, it's so good! it's so good! oh, it's so pretty! it's so pretty! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> you're so pretty! >> stephen: "scandal's" final season starts tomorrow on abc. kerry washington, everybody! we'll be right back with russell brand. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> thank you! >> stephen: thank you! ♪watch this ♪
♪watch this ♪ ♪watch this ♪ ♪watch this why? terrible toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. charmin ultra strong. it cleans better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ♪
about to see progressive's new home quote explorer. where you can compare multiple quote options online and choose what's right for you. woah. flo and jamie here to see hqx. flo and jamie request entry. slovakia. triceratops. tapioca. racquetball. staccato. me llamo jamie. pumpernickel. pudding. employee: hey, guys!
sweet 4k tv, mr. peterson. thanks. pretty psyched. did you get fios too? no. mr. peterson, fios is a 100% fiber optic-network. what does that mean? think about it. if you got an awesome new car you'd put the best gas in it, right. so why hook up your awesome technology to anything other than a fiber-optic network? i got to go. peterson. peterson's wife. counting on you guys. your internet deserves the 100% fiber-optic network. and now get our fastest internet ever plus tv and phone for just $79.99 per month.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. thank you, jon. welcome back, everybody to "the late show." folks, my next guest is a british actor, a comedian, and author. please welcome russell brand. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hi. nice to finally meet you. we met backstage a second ago. >> even since then, our relationship has evolved. ( laughter ). >> stephen: a little bit, a little bit. you're one of these actors i understand you're not
much. >> i do worry about small talk because in the back of me mind, during some small talk, i might suddenly realize that we are mortal and death is coming-- cruel death! the icy hand, the icy hand, death cometh. so sometimes that distracts me from the old small tack, stephen. >> stephen: death looms at all time. >> it's looming right now. >> stephen: why are we here, russell brand? why is there something instead of nog? the do you think it's to move towards oneness? could there be some consciousness trying to realize itself through material? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, i thought the universe was expanding, and eventually entropy will bring us to sort of absolute neutral room temperature throughout the universe, and we'll suffer heat death, and there will be nothing, not even energy. >> but, stephen! 70% of the universe is dark matter. it's inconceivable. it can't be held
consciousness. we dote know the rules of the universe yet, as your great herman melville says, all human science but passing fables. everything we hold is our credo. all the knowledge we have built. where does it leave us! i am ozzie man dias, king of kings, alone in the desert, civillations rule, stephen. rome fell. this, too, must pass! what are we going to do? it's still looming. it's loom-ing! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's true. that's very true. in the meantime... ( laughter ) you have a book. we're going to sell some books right now. >> don't you trivialize this! >> stephen: oh, i'm not. we're talking about your book, a signature document talking about-- it's called "recovery: freedom from our addictions." you can really have freedom from
hold your addiction at bay? >> stephen it depends on how one defines addiction. you can have freedom from the malevolent men festations of addiction. if addiction is a drive to know truth or in another lexicon, to know god, to know oneness, that we are unable to medicate successfully, because our culture tells us that there is no meaning, tells us we are but material, tells us that we are individuals trapped in flesh, only here to consume. and there are some people that just can't bear that, so they take a little bit of heroin to unwind. >> stephen: yes. that's true. ( laughter ) as tomos burton said as ours, we clothe, we wrap in the bandages of other people's perceptions of us, or in our appetites and pleasures. and we say, "oh, those bandages, that is ourselves," would looking underneath our bandage that is a hole in our hearts the size ood
that's very beautiful. >> stephen: i stole it. >> he said had you been able to ask that thomas burton and say it in the future on a talk show, he probably would have a few questions about how society evolved, say, yeah, go, mate, the swaddling. >> stephen: he was a monk. he didn't have possessions. >> sometimes i think if i was dressed in religious garb, people wouldn't trouble me with trivia. if i had a hooded robe and stuff like that. perhaps that's the answer-- to announce yourself physically as religious. i'm trying to look like jesus, but it's not working. >> stephen: the robe would help. the robe would help a lot. >> possibly would help. >> stephen: you have or had addictions. you've had some trouble or some experience or some adventures, however you want to describe twith the self-abuse of intoxicants. what did you learn about getting off them that would help the rest of us? >> what i learned is, is that no matter what the presentation is of the addiction-- it could be food, it could
and i've tried all of them. yeah, i have, really excessively. i really got myself a terrible mischief. the drive behind this is the same drive. if you learn to understand this drive, if you are able to communicate with it correctly, then you can have freedom. so i suppose what i'm saying is, the people that, like, are drug addicts, they are merely the outliars. they are the creatures that fly to the high ground before the tsunami arrives. but all of us are attaching, somehow, aren't we, to temporary illusions? the squad ling of your thomas burton there. all of us are clinging to things, clinging to things, like drowning men. and i suppose that the answer is found in connection. so i suppose the quick answer, which is a bit late, let's face it now, is connection. >> stephen: you talk about-- you went through the 12 steps of recovery. >> yes. >> stephen: you have your own interpretations of them. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, they're not exactly the 12 steps as s
if i gave you a couple of 12 steps, could you interpret them for me? >> i will do that for you stephen. >> stephen: let's do the first three. >> okay. >> stephen: you say-- here's step number one in the 12 steps, and you interpret. number one, "we admit that we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable." >> are you a (bleep)? ( laughter ). >> stephen: two "we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore to us sanity." >> could you not be (bleep)? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: "we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand him." >> are you on your own gonna un(bleep) yourself. >> stephen: if you can ask, what-- when did you ask yourself those three questions? >> i'm continually asking myself. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: okay, you got. ( cheers and applause ) you got into a twitter feud with our president. >> oh, yes. you've got a president, and i got into a feud with him via twitter, like all dignified people must. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. is there such a thing-- do you think there is such a thing as a twitter addiction? >> if you're asking me if donald trump, the president of the united states, has addiction, certainly, the middle syllable seems particularly pertinent. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it's a small syllable. >> i'd say-- it's barely there at all. ( applause ). >> stephen: this is the kind of connection you're talking about right now. >> it's a brief interruption in the nothingness, isn't it, steve? that syllable, so tiny, is barely to be there. so i think, yeah, like, is he a beat (bleep)? yes. could he not be (bleep)? that's tricky. three, does he need help to (bleep)
well, yeah, but who's going to do it and what (bleep) would you use? ( laughter ) ( applause ) did i do well! >> stephen: you did so well! you did so well. i'm curious to see how much of this will make it to air. >> oh, come on! >> stephen: "recovery: freedom from our addictions" is out now. russell brand, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by st. vincent. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪
perfect. giveyou're finished! curse you, he-man, you interfering imbecile! give us one good reason we shouldn't vanquish you to another dimension! ok, guys, hear me out. switching to geico could save you... hundreds on car insurance. huh, he does make a point... i do like to save money... catch you on the flip, suckas! geico. because saving fifteen percent or more on car insurance is always a great answer. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you.
u're not a customer. ♪ hungry eyes ♪ one look at you and i can't disguise ♪ ♪ i've got hungry eyes ♪ applebee's 2 for $20. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. boy instead of over there.re. applebee's 2 for $20. (screaming) - have some. - reliving the glory days isn't always rewarding. but hotels.com is. instant savings now. free nights later. hotels.com.
ralpand as a doctor, nobody ever asked if i'm a democrat or republican. they just want my help. so if donald trump is helping virginia i'll work with him. but donald trump proposed cutting virginia's school funding, rolling back our clean air and water protections, and taking away health care from thousands of virginians. as a candidate for governor, i sponsored this ad because i've stood up to donald trump on all of it.
you are a true friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! madame susan, you are an even truer friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! what is that? this is a spiced honey mead wine that i have really been into lately. please follow, sir brad. he's going to give you a private tour of the pit of misery. i'm sorry, what? pit of misery! dilly dilly! dilly dilly! here's to the friends you can always count on. saving 50% on these samsung galaxy note 8s from sprint was a genius idea. now we can finish our work before we get to work. (vo) get the samsung galaxy note 8, right now for 50% off. with galaxy forever, you can
for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint. visit sprintrelay.com. poallergies?reather. stuffy nose? can't sleep? take that. a breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than allergy medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. breathe right. want in on the secret take the olay 28 day challenge. millions of real women see results starting day 1. "there is not a friend i have, that will not own this product"" visible results or your money back olay. ageless. cilantro. parsley. spinach. basil. toothpicks? campbell's slow kettle chef crafted soups. mm can i get some more spinach? made for real, real life.
♪ where you're the only ( bleep ) in the city ♪ who can handle me ♪ new love wasn't true love ♪ back to you, love so much for a home run ♪ with some blue bloods ♪ if i last-strawed you on eighth avenue ♪ where you're the only ( bleep ) in the city ♪ who can stand me ♪ i have lost a hero i have lost a friend ♪ but for you, darling i'd do it all again ♪ i have lost a hero i have lost a friend
i'd do it all again ♪ new york isn't new york without you, love ♪ too few of our old crew left on astor ♪ so if i trade our 'hood for some hollywood ♪ where you're the only ( bleep ) in the city who would only ( bleep ) in the city who ♪ would only ( bleep ) in the city who'd ♪ forgive me ♪ i have lost a hero i have lost a friend ♪ but for you, darling i'd do it all again
l. whether it's protecting veterans and seniors from shady debt collectors, or cracking down on gangs and drug traffickers, i have one guiding principle: do what's right for people. i'm mark herring, candidate for attorney general, and i sponsored this ad. come and save up to $1000ture in bonus discounts - -only through monday. plus take advantage of no interest for 36 months. find the style you've been searching for, down to every detail. with havertys, your home can be perfect, even when life isn't. [knocking] we're early! hurry in before monday to save up to $1000 in bonus discounts at havertys. life looks good.
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be morgan freeman, grace gummer, and comedian nathan mcintosh. now stick around for james corden and his guests cheryl hynes and mark feururstein. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org