tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 16, 2017 11:35pm-12:33am EDT
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat. welcome to the "late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) now, folks-- that's nice. we've been on the road for the past week. it's great to be back home. speaking of traveling, donald trump-- donald trump is on a trip to a very hostile region: new york city. ( cheers and applause ) he's-- he's-- ( applause ) they love a hometown boy. he's in town because this morning, he gave his first official address at-- i want to say, starfleet academy? ( laughter ) radical klingon extremists.
they violated the neutral zone. we had no choice." of course, the president gave us a preview of his u.n. speech yesterday, telling reporters he plans to "make the united nations great... not again. make the united nations great." so not #maga. it's #mungnumung. ( cheers and applause ) it's not the name. it's no secret donald trump has never liked the u.n. he's been very clear about it. back in 2012, he tweeted "the cheap 12-inch square marble tiles behind speaker at u.n. always bothered me. i will replace with beautiful large marble slabs, if they ask me." ( laughter ) they're not going to ask you. ( laughter ) you know what they talk about at the u.n., right?
they're going to ask you to send soldiers to uganda, not sconces to the lobby. of course, the u.n. was founded after world war ii in the hopes of creating a lasting peace. so, naturally, the highlight of the president's speech was threatening thermonuclear war. >> the united states has great strength and patience, but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies, we'll have no choice but to totally destroy north korea. >> stephen: "and, yes, yes, destroying north korea would also destroy south korea, which is why i'm encouraging everyone in south korea to evacuate to east or west korea. ( laughter ) immediately." and the-- and trump doubled down on his new nickname for kim jong-un. >> rocket man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime. >> stephen: rocket man?
mr. president, please don't give our enemies nicknames that make them sound cooler! "i will destroy commander jetpack and admiral ice cream sex machine." ( laughter ) and trump had a major complaint for the u.n.-- we're not getting our money's worth. >> the united states is one out of 193 countries in the united nations, and yet, we pay 22% of the entire budget, and more. the united states bears an unfair cost burden. but, to be fair, if it could actually accomplish all of its stated goals, especially the goal of peace, this investment would easily be well worth it. >> stephen: he's right. we're paying top dollar, and we're nowhere near world peace. i mean, i just saw some guy at the podium say he's going to destroy north korea! ( laughter ) and donald trump called on t
world to look to america for inspiration. >> the greatest in the united states constitution is its first three beautiful words. >> stephen: he's only read the first three words. ( laughter ) "let's see, let's see here. ( cheers and applause ) let's see what we got. let's see what we got here. we the people-- how long is this? is there an audio book or anything like that? i'll paraphrase it later." now, the most awkward moment had to have been when he brought up venezuela. >> the problem in venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented. >> stephen: "i said, 'faithfully implemented.' is this on? is this-- is this--"
so, you know who was also there at the u.n. today, because they're there every year. it's trump's buddies from russia. and there are some stunning new developments in the investigation. we learned over the weekend that trump lawyers are clashing over how much to cooperate with the russia inquiry. if only those trump lawyers were around when he decided how much to cooperate with russia. according to sources, the battle-- russia fans! no, that's all right. no saber dance. no saber dance. according to sources, this battle pits white house counsel and bass player of your dad's band, donald mcgann, against trump's personal lawyer and man- leading high-stakes zeppelin race to siam, ty cobb. cobb wants to give mueller as many documents as possible in hopes of getting the investigation over with quickly, while mcgann worries about "setting a precedent that would weaken the white house long
after mr. trump's tenure is over." yes, that's how trump's going to weaken the white house: too much honesty. ( laughter ) that is kind of interesting news. how did we learn this? how do we know this is true? well, we learned it straight from the mouth of trump lawyer and frontier dentist who's all gussied up for the barn dance, ty cobb. a "new york times" reporter overheard cobb talking about the russia probe at a washington steakhouse. either that, or the reporter confused cobb with the steakhouse's mascot. how careless is this guy? you're a lawyer just out there mouthing off in public where anyone can hear you? that's like your therapist going out in the waiting room and saying "guess who's having sex dreams about his cousin again? pretty racy stuff." ( laughter ) but running his mouth in public isn't the biggest mistake made by trump lawyer and wilfred brimley tribute head, ty cobb.
the steakhouse is "on the same block as 'the new york times' washington bureau." it's 171 steps away from the washington bureau of the "new york times." don't go to the same place that people eat who are out to get you. that's like shaving in a shark tank while wearing a vest of pork chops. oh, and this is huge. this is huge. we also just learned that the government wire tapped former trump campaign chairman paul manafort, both before and after the election. this means-- ( cheers and applause ) sure, sure, absolutely. you applaud until they wiretap you. ( laughter ) this means manafort was under federal investigation when he interviewed to become trump's campaign manager. "okay, mr. manafort, what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
too hard. oh, and treason." ( laughter ) now, we already-- manafort fans here tonight, evidently. we already knew the f.b.i. conducted a predawn raid of manafort's house back in july, but now we've learned that instead of knocking, "federal agents picked the lock on his front door," which required "prosecutors to persuade a federal judge that mr. manafort was likely to destroy evidence." we're not sure what they presented to the judge to prove that, but i'm going to say it was this picture. ( laughter ) "who's that?" ( applause ) "those documents? yes, i think i left them in the furnace room. i'll be right back." now, if this seems like an aggressive investigation,
according to one expert, mueller is "setting a tone. it's important early on to strike terror into the hearts of people in washington." yeah, you've got to set a tone early in washington. that's why, on the first day of every session, mitch mcconnell walks up to the biggest guy in the senate and just shivs him. ( laughter ) yeah. yeah. or else mitch is sweet meat, man. yeah. they're making turtle soup. ( laughter ) legal experts -- legal experts-- it's not a metaphor. it's actual soup. legal experts say mueller's investigation is "moving with unusual speed." okay, that's nice. here's the thing. we don't need "unusual speed." we need high speed. we need maximum warp. i'm talking, i'm talking-- ( applause ) "star trek" call back is that what that is. yeah. i'm talking "law & order" speed, okay, like this:
>> sir, i can ask you a few questions? >> of course. fruit stand's open at 2:00 a.m., just like everyone else's. >> what do you know about a man named paul manafort? >> manafort? never heard of him. oh, wait. was a guy come by last week with his buddy-- don't remember the name. blond hair, president of the united states. last name clump, or dump, something like that. anyway, on his way out, he leaves behind this file labeled, "secret russia collusion plan." don't ask me. i'm just a guy unloading cantaloupes. >> guilty. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we have a great show for you tonight. emma stone is here. but when we come back, i will sit down with hillary rodham clinton. stick around. ( band playing )
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and homegoods is what makes it all possible. amazing finds. always great prices. make home yours. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody, jon batiste and stay human right there! ( cheers and applause ) jon-- as you guys know, as you guys know, we were gone last week because we were prepping for the emmys out los angeles, california, big city of dreams. and jon and the band were out there, too. you guys actually warmed up the audience. you were doing a love riot, right? >> jon: we were doing a love riot all through there, moving through the pretty dresses and tuxedoes, getting people hyped, jumping on the seats, and then we started the show, and you did a great job. >> stephen: did you have fun? did you have fun? >> jon: i had a great time. the weather was nice, but i'm glad to be back here doing the show.
>> stephen: absolutely, i'm glad to be here. it was fun. i've got to say, i'm lucky enough to go to a bunch of these. it was the most fun i've ever had at the emmys, and i've won emmys before. ( laughter ) we lost-- we lost the emmys on sunday night. but you know what? no, it's okay, because we lost to a dear friend, john oliver at "last week tonight." ( cheers and applause ) they're an incredible show. if you've got to lose, you have to lose to somebody you really admire. a bunch of people in that category i wouldn't mind losing to. and i know i made a joke after he won, or they won, with jimmy kimmel, where i said, "they're so good, they can only do one a week." but the truth is, they only do one a week. ( laughter ) but that's not on them. they're not lazy. they're working hard. we're insane doing five a week. we've got the problem. not them. ( cheers and applause ) so mwah! you're the best. officially. ♪ ♪ please, have a seat.
because she was first a first lady, then a senator, then secretary of state, and i would have bet anything the next president of the united states. please welcome hillary rodham clinton! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much-- >> oh, stephen, it's good to see you. >> stephen: it's good to see you. it's an ho
>> stephen: you have a new book. it's called "what happened." ( laughter ) and i don't know how else to start this interview, other than saying-- what happened? ( laughter ) >> wow. >> stephen: what-- what happened? >> well, that's the question i try to answer. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah, because it was a question i asked myself starting on election night. and i started-- >> stephen: what time on election night? ( laughter ) >> well, as i write in the book, midnight. >> stephen: yeah. >> midnight. >> stephen: i remember. >> the dark time of the soul, midnight. >> stephen: yeah. i'm waiting for it to not be midnight soon. >> yeah, right. and so i-- i was asking it like you just said, "what happened!" and i figured, maybe i'd better try to find out and figure it out. so that's why i dove into this book.
but at the end, i really feel like i've done my very best to lay out what happened so that it doesn't happen again. i mean, that's my primary goal here-- that it doesn't happen again. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, a lot of people have said, "oh, boy, i wish hillary clinton would just go away." >> yeah. >> stephen: "just go away." >> well, you know, if they'd take up a collection and send me somewhere really nice. >> stephen: really? >> i might consider it. >> stephen: obama's on david geffen's yacht a lot. you could go with him. >> well, i am not going anywhere. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, i'm glad you're not. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) i agree. at first, i could understand some of those calls.
republicans are tearing themselves apart. don't give them someone to rally around in opposition to," because you were a convenient figure for them to unite against. >> right. >> stephen: but i actually do not think that's how what is happening to our government is going to be stopped. i think it's people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises of the progress of the last 50 years that will save this country. thank you so much. >> i agree completely. absolutely completely. >> stephen: but, wait a second. it must not have been easy. >> no. >> stephen: it must not have been easy to write this book. >> it wasn't easy. i mean, it was painful. it was horrible reliving it. and, you know, being as candid, open as i could be about the mistakes i made and talking about those. but, also, trying to come to grips, as i write in the book, about everything from, you know, sexism and misogyny, to voter suppression, to the unusual behavior of the former director of the f.b.i., and the russians,
and you have been sounding the alarm about this, because i believe so strongly that they think they succeeded in messing with our democracy. and i just can't abide that. so-- >> stephen: do you think they succeeded in messing with our democracy? >> yes, i do, i do, i do. >> stephen: to what degree, influencing the vote or influencing opinion? >> influencing voters, and, therefore, influencing opinion i think is becoming clearer and clearer. i don't know what the congressional investigation-- and i don't know what the special counsel investigation are going to find. i'm going to wait for that. but i don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so. this latest revelation about the way they bought ads on facebook and targeted them, we're going to find out a lot more, stephen. i
can-- i feel like i'm a bit of a, you know, paula revere. i'm trying to sound the alarm about this. is that-- ( applause ) you know, you've got to understand what putin's strategy is. he really doesn't like democracy. he thinks it's an inconvenient, messy process. and he doesn't like us, and he wants to destabilize our country, sow doubt about our democracy. these latest revelations where you had russians pretending to be americans. fake americans with fake news and fake stories and fake demonstrations. that wasn't just because he's bored and has nothing to do. he wants to undermine how we see each other, how we respect each other, how we support our institutions and our society. so i think that they believe they had a good outing in 2016,
2018 and 2020, unless we stop them. >> stephen: now you mentioned-- ( applause ) ...that putin doesn't like democracy and he doesn't like america. part of the speculation is that he specifically doesn't like you. do you think this was personal on a certain level? >> i think it was mostly about the role i played as secretary of state, which he did morph into a grudge against me because i would say things like, you know, "the russian people deserve free and fair elections. they deserve to have a democracy." >> stephen: questioning the legitimacy of his election in 2011. >> the parliamentary elections, that's right. and so our intelligence community and others have said that he did have a personal grudge against me. you know, i don't take it personally. i think it's part of his world view which is all tied up with his anger, his disappointment in the collapse of the soet
union, and his feeling that we're his number one rival. he wants to really undermine the european-american alliance. and so i see it as-- you know, i was doing my job. i was honored to do my job, to stand up and speak out on behalf of american values and our democracy. and partly because i'm a woman, which does seem to get him a bit agitated. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and he actually has said that. some things about that. >> stephen: did he ever say anything to you personally that demonstrated his-- >> well, he demonstrated-- as i write in the book, you know, there's an expression, we certainly know it in new york, called "man spreading." ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. ( applause ) >> and every time i met with him, it would be... okay. the whole deal. and so i'd go to meetings with him-- one inti
in his dacha outside of moscow. and the press comes in, and he just berates america about one of the many things that annoys him about us. and then the press leaves, and i've got four or five things we're trying to deal with him and russia on. and i always came to my meetings with him trying to find something that i could actually engage him about. so we went through, you know, the economy and human rights and all these other things that are critically important and he was, you know, like-- as president obama once said, like the bored guy in the back of the room, couldn't care less. then i said, "you know, i am really pleased to hear that you care about wildlife conservation, and that you are trying to save species in russia, like siberian tigers and polar bears." then he came alive. and then we had an interesting conversation. >> stephen: "i wrestle polar bears." ( laughter ) >> h
he said, "come with me." he takes me down the stairs, down this corridor, into the door-- all of his security guys are jumping up because we weren't expected-- into this inner sanctum with this huge desk and the biggest map of russia, i think, exists. and he started telling me he's going here to tag polar bears. and then he says to me, "would your husband like to come?" and i said, "well, you know, i'll ask him, but if he's busy, i'll go." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're going to take a little break. when we come back, secretary clinton and i just might break out the chardonnay. ( cheers and applause )
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cnarrator: ed gillespie and i wants to endis ad. a woman's right to choose. ed giof a woman'sd put thpersonal decisions,rge not women and their doctors. as governor, ed gillespie says, i would like to see abortion be banned. if ed gillespie would like to see abortion banned, i would like to see i would like to see i would like to see that ed gillespie never becomes governor. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with secretary hillary rodham clinton talking
happened." now, one of the things that happened is, as you said, it's clear the russians were trying to influence our election. you said when you were on with terry gross on npr, if it's proven, if there's a deeper connection, some sort of collusion between the trump campaign and russia, that would be grounds to question the legitimacy of the election of the president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) my question is, my question is-- i mean, i have these fantasies, but my question is-- seriously-- my question is what then? there is no constitutional mechanism to question the election. >> no. >> stephen: our elections are messy. >> that's right. >> stephen: this is just what happened. >> so as i say in the book, yeah, right. ( laughter ) nobody's talking about contesting the election, including me. but i do think-- no, because there is no mechanism. >> stephen: this is someone who believes in the constitution, unlike the guy who got the job.
but i think legitimacy is rooted in what comes out of these investigations, because if there is evidence of coordination, communication-- whatever it might be-- then i think millions of americans are going to say, well, those raise questions about legitimacy. now, what do you do with those questions, besides ask them? what you do is mobilize politically to express your will and your rejection of that kind of russian involvement and coordination at the ballot box. i mean, that is where we settle our political differences. ( cheers and applause ) and that's where it should be. >> stephen: i-- i agree. did you happen to see the president's speech at the u.n. today? >> i saw parts of it, yes. >> stephen: what did you-- what did you make of it? >> i thought it was very dark, dangerous, not the kind of message that the leader of the greatest nation in the world should be delivering.
you are both-- you are both required to stand up for the values of what we believe in-- democracy and opportunity-- as a way to demonstrate clearly the united states remains the beacon that we want it to be, while, of course, when you face dangerous situations-- like what is happening in north korea-- to make it clear your first approach should always be diplomatic. what i hoped the president would have said was something along the lines of, "we view this as dangerous to our allies, to the region, and even to our country. we call on all nations to work with us to try to end the threat posed by kim jong-un." and not call him "rocket man" the old elton john song, but to
say, clearly, "we will not tolerate any attacks on our friends or ourselves." but you should lead with diplomacy. you should lead with the commitment of trying to avoid conflict, however you can. ( applause ) >> stephen: one of the things that you say in the book is that in recovering from this and while writing the book, you leaned heavily on chardonnay. ( laughter ) so i was wondering whether you-- would you care for. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, sure. absolutely. well, yeah, yeah, there were a few other things, but this helped. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you get out of bed in the morning? because i did not run for president, and i could barely do it. in 2000-- i don't think al gore shaved forea
>> yeah, that wasn't an option for me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, cheers. thank you so much for being here. ( applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: the book is "what happened." let's hope it never happens again. available now. hillary rodham clinton, everybody. we'll be right back with emma stone. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> that's right. that's exactly who you are. and i am a tennis player who happens to be a man who says that he can beat any woman on the planet. think of the publicity we get. think of the money. >> no. >> $35,000. >> where did you get that kind of money? >> you see, you see. you're tempted. >> i'm really not. i'm not interested, bobby, good night. >> don't hang up. don't hang up. >> by the way, i shave my legs. >> stephen: please welcome emma stone. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hi. >> hi! ( cheers and applause ) who was that? >> stephen: who was that? >> who was that before? >> stephen: that was a woman who filled me with a lot of hope. >> yeah. me, too. that was-- this is a tough act to follow. that was unbelievable.
>> stephen: it absolutely is. >> oh, my god. >> stephen: it absolutely is. did you have a chance to talk to her backstage? >> i did, yeah. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. nice to have you on the show >> and really nice to meet you, thank you for having me, the same night as hillary clinton. >> stephen: i am old enough to remember the battle of the sexes between billie jean king and bobby riggs. it's hard to convey to everybody now what a giant media event this was. it was a circus. >> yeah. >> stephen: explain to the people what exactly happened. >> so it took place tomorrow, september 20, 1973, 44 years ago. and bobby riggs was 55 years old. billie jean king was 29. she was pretty much the number one female tennis player in the world. and he challenged her to a true battle of the sexes and 90 million people watched. and it was-- it was an enormous tennis match. it was, like, a huge entertainment spectacle. but it was also a huge catalyst for a lot of social change. an
recognizable figures, i think, in the fight for equality that we have today. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it sounds like a silly thing on a certain level. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: on a certain level it sounds like a silly thing, kind of an older, sort of washed-out tennis player challenging a 29-year-old woman to prove-- what did he say? women should be-- belong in the bedroom and the kitchen. >> bedroom and the kitchen, yeah. >> stephen: in that order. >> yeah. >> stephen: and people were literally taking sides on a real cultural battleground here. helen reddy's ♪ i am woman hear me roar ♪ was kind of the anthem of the time and of that match. >> yeah. >> stephen: and she smoked him. >> she smoked him. ( cheers and applause ) in three straight sets, yup. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: she killed him. as a matter of fact, i see backstage you actually-- there are t-shirts that have billie jean king on it with the score 6-4, 6-3, 6-3. >> can i also point somein
out beyond this very cool photo. i get a chance to meet hillary clinton, which is unfathomable and incredible. and i look like i'm nude. >> stephen: this is-- this is the two of them backstage holding up these commemorative t-shirts in front of them. and it does-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it does look like you're topless. >> really? like... >> stephen: yeah. >> you had one shot! ( laughs ) whatever. >> stephen: bobby riggs in this movie is played by our friend steve carell. >> yes. >> stephen: what a jerk, huh? >> oh, my god. >> stephen: unbelievable. >> you could not meet a crueler man than steve carell. >> stephen: is this the first time you played a living person? >> yes. >> stephen: so here are you, you actually went-- was this the u.s. open? >> yes, this was the u.s. open, this was last weekend. >> stephen: you with billie jean king. >> yeah, unreal. >> stephen: a lovely, really funny person, too. >> she's fantastic. she's the biggest spitfire.
going to see a tennis match with her, like eating dinner with julia child or going to a concert with paul mccartney. >> essentially. as you see, in the photo-- there are of two of us sitting there. there was no one on the other side of her, so she did live commentary without any pauses in my ear for the entirety of the match. >> stephen: that was a thumbs-up on that? >> it was pretty incredible. but the thing is that before i played billie jean, i was not-- i was not an athlete by any means at all. and my younger brother was high school football quarterback. >> stephen: you follow sports or anything? >> no, no. ( laughter ) and so i would go-- i went to a game-- someone got tackled and i was like, "fumble!" so to have someone-- one of the greatest athletes of all time talking to you about a sport-- which, thankfully, i know a lot more about tennis, now, of course, than i ever have football. >> stephen: sure. >> but i was like, this is slightly lost on me in some ways. >> stephen: but i've seen some of the footage -- >> i'm an ( bleep ). it was great-- sorry i said ( bleep ).
( applause ). >> stephen: but i've seen the footage. i mean, you're really serving. like-- >> it was boot camp. it was true boot camp in learning to play tennis. i also had the most incredible double and coach and trainer and it was, like, a whole team of people that were so helpful. but it was some serious tennis. >> stephen: your brother's on the team, but you're not into sports at all. it was theatre club? >> i was-- i did improv. >> stephen: you did improv. >> i did improv. >> stephen: okay. >> and, like, a little bit of sketch stuff when i was a kid. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and i moved to l.a. pretty young. >> stephen: i understand you were pretty young. how old were you? >> i was 15 when i moved. >> stephen: that's really young. >> yeah, really young. >> stephen: wow, so, like, six years ago or something. >> it was six years ago! thank you so much. yes. it's about to be six years. >> stephen: about to be six years. >> about to be six years. >> stephen: can you explain-- can you explain this to me? what is happening? this is-- how old were you when
i was in-- i was in therapy at that time. ( laughter ) this was-- i drew this at therapy. this is me, i guess, with really-- it's great artistry, with my shoes. and then this is anxiety here. >> stephen: right down here. >> it's a little green monster that looks a little bit like someone backstage said a uterus, with some ovaries. ( laughter ) >> stephen: uh-huh. >> but i didn't mean for it to be hormonally related in any way. like i said, i was nine. >> stephen: let's follow that feeling. let's follow that feeling. where does that take you? >> i was a very, very, very anxious child, and i had a lot of panic attacks and i benefited in a big way from therapy. >> stephen: this was nine years old? >> yes, i started at seven. >> stephen: does the acting help with you the anxiety? >> it helped me so much. improv helped me so much. i still have anxiety to this day. not ( knocks on desk ) panic attacks. >> stephen: i had one on november 8-- >> listen so did i.
>> stephen: i find performing helps me a lot every night. >> do you ever get anxious? >> stephen: oh, really-- i had, when i was younger, not nine, but younger, i had anxiety attacks and curl up on the couch backstage at second city, don't talk to me, and i would hear my cue and walk on stage but you get on stage and you feel fine. >> isn't that wild? and by the way, just to bring it back around, billie jean was telling me she was going through so much in her life, which is what the movie was about, so much angst, and she would walk out on the tennis court. >> stephen: show time, folks. >> show time, folks. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you so much for having me. >> stephen: "battle of the sexes" is in theaters this friday. emma stone, everybody. we'll be right back with some very, very, very soft porn.
like paperless, multi-car, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. any questions? -yeah. -how do you go to the bathroom? great. any insurance-related questions? -mm-hmm. -do you have a girlfriend? uh, i'm actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly $600 when they switch, so... where's your belly button? [ sighs ] i've got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] ♪ this is google home mini. it's got the google assistant in it, so it's super helpful. watch this: "hey google, good morning." "good morning, claire." "it's 72 and sunny." "don't forget to wear some sunscreen." oh, that's nice. it'll also read you the news,
sweet 4k tv, mr. peterson. thanks. i'm pretty psyched. did you get fios too? no, was i supposed to get fios? mr. peterson. fios is a 100% fiber-optic network. it's like it was invented to stream 4k movies and shows. how do you know so much about tv and internet? the internet. right. streaming is only as good as your internet. so get the best internet - with the 100% fiber-optic network - get fios - now just $79.99 per month for fios gigabit connection plus tv and phone. >> stephen: hey, welcome back everybody! ( cheers and applause ) you know, folks, i was gone for an entire week-- a week, a whole week? a week and a day we were gone out in los angeles. and here's the thing, we like to do the show about what just happened, just the most-- exactly what you're talking abouda
fell through the cracks over the last week that i will never be able to talk about, and i just have to let them go-- ted cruz watches porn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ turns out he's relatable after all. ( laughter ) last week, the texas republican's twitter account favored a tweet featuring hardcore pornography. now, i cannot say the name of the video that he favorited on the cbs network. but let's say the name is a cross between the hit comedy "mom" and "big bang theory." ( laughter ) 20. cruz quickly attempted to blame somebody else for this, referring to the incident as a staffing issue, and saying that there are a number of people on the team that have access to the
that someone inadvertently hit the "like" button. "hitting the 'like' button" is a new one. ( laughter ) i remember one time i walked in on my college roommate hitting his "like" button. ( applause ) so-- so-- ( applause ) i'll take him at his word. we know this is just cruz's staffer. we have no idea what kind of porn ted cruz is into, though we can guess. jim? ♪ ♪ >> pizza delivery. one large cheese with extra soup. >> oh, no! but i don't have any money. i already spent this week's welfare check on a ferrari. isn't there another way i can pay you?
>> oh, i got an idea. let's lay together and perform lawful sexual relations as described in leviticus, 18:5. >> but wait, we aren't married yet. >> we can fix that. what denomination are you? i'm southern baptist. >> and i'm landmark baptist. ♪ ♪ >> i wish you luck in hell. >> oh! shake my hand! >> oh, you'll feel this tomorrow. in your hand. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back! vo: john adams' prescription for health care would be a disaster for virginia families. adams supports letting insurance companies deny coverage for pre-existing conditions.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from france, give it f